Tuesday, December 30, 2008

2008 $tevie Awards

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, we've come to the end of 2008. It's been a fun and exciting ride…but now we must move on to 2009. Sure, 2009 doesn't have an Olympics…or a Presidential Election…or anything like that…but still, it should be pretty awesome. Last night, I spent the evening unpacking from my trip to Utah…and then repacking with clean clothes for flying to Vegas tonight. Bubbles is super excited…as am I. We talked briefly last night…because we were both exhausted from our vacations last week (her family in San Diego) and early days at work. We're rested up now though…so it's gonna be a fun time. Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes when I'm back next week. Until then, here's some news…and stay tuned for the 2nd Annual $tevie Awards.

Cobain Guitar - A smashed guitar from the late grunge rocker Kurt Cobain has been sold to an unidentified private collector for $100,000. Helen Hall, a broker in England, says it's the second-highest known price for an item of Cobain memorabilia. The seller was punk rocker Sluggo (goes only by that name) of The Grannies and Hullabaloo. The sale was confirmed Tuesday by Jacob McMurray, senior curator at the Experience Music Project in Seattle, where the taped-up Fender Mustang guitar in sunburst finish was displayed for a time. "It's a really cool-looking guitar because it's smashed and held together with duct tape and Kurt Cobain wrote on it," McMurray said. Sluggo said he traded a working guitar for the smashed one during the first U.S. tour of Cobain's band, Nirvana. McMurray said Nirvana, living hand-to-mouth, was on a tour in New Jersey when Cobain smashed the guitar on stage and went looking for one to play at his next gig. The swap was made while Cobain was staying at the apartment of Sluggo and Sluggo's girlfriend, McMurray said. He said he hoped the buyer would allow the instrument to return to Seattle for a Cobain exhibit he is preparing for 2010. "There's not a huge amount of broken Nirvana guitars out there," McMurray said, adding that most amount to "little slivers and fragments." A news release from Hall said the highest price paid for a piece of Cobain memorabilia was $131,000 at a 2006 auction for his Mosrite Gospel Mark IV guitar. In related news, Courtney Love is still alive and well somehow. Seriously? $100,000 for a broken guitar. I don't care if it's the guitar that Jimi Hendrix set on fire…or guitar that Elvis broke trying to crack a coconut on the set of "Blue Hawaii" if it doesn't work, why would you pay that much? It's not the Liberty Bell. Say what you will about Kurt Cobain as a talented poet (HA!!! How can you tell? Nobody knows what he's mumbling into the microphone) and rocker…but he's not exactly Ernest Hemingway…or Van Gogh…maybe a Picasso of sound…but only because you listen to it…and you think, "Hmm, I wonder what he's trying to say there. Something about raping a mosquito? That's deep." I don't know. I obviously wouldn't have spent that money…but I hope that the unidentified private collector (Satan?) isn't suffering from post-Holiday Buyers' Remorse.

Jesus is Born - Virgin Mary, a 20-year-old Peruvian woman, gave birth to a baby boy on Christmas day and named him Jesus, Peru's state news agency said on Friday. The baby's father, 24-year old Adolfo Jorge Huamani is a carpenter. Religious Peruvians compared him to Joseph the Carpenter in the Bible. "Two thousand years later the story of Bethlehem is relived," read the headline about the birth in El Comercio, the main newspaper in Peru, a predominantly Catholic country. The mother, Virgen Maria Huarcaya, delivered the 7.7 pound (3.5 kg) boy, Jesus Emanuel, in the early hours of Christmas at the central maternity hospital in Lima, the capital. The father confessed, "A few days ago we had decided to name my son after a professional soccer player…but thanks to a happy coincidence this is how things ended up." Well, happy birthday Jesus!!! Too bad your dad's name is Adolf. I thought that name had died out years ago.

Gilligan's Island Movie - "Gilligan's Island" creator Sherwood Schwartz and his son Lloyd are moving ahead with a big screen version of the classic sitcom reports TV Guide. The pair are after "Superbad" and "Juno" star Michael Cera to don the famous red shirt and white hat as Gilligan, and Beyonce Knowles to play sexy movie star Ginger. Sherwood says the deal "Just happened in the last 48 hours. I can't take this much excitement at my age." No production schedule or further cast/crew involvement has yet been announced…but feel free to throw your own speculation into the blogosphere. I'm sure the question on everybody's mind though…is who's going to be Mary Ann? And will she & Ginger FINALLY get into a sexy catfight on the beach?

Good Riddance Day - Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Or maybe shredded? In an event that organizers hope will become a New Year's tradition, New Yorkers and tourists were invited to bring bad memories from 2008 to Times Square on Sunday and feed them to an industrial-strength shredder. "This is the perfect way to move on from a bad year, from a bad experience," said Kathryn Bonn, of New York City, who shredded a printout of her boyfriend's e-mail breaking up with her. (By the way, breaking up by email? Classy.) The event, the second annual "Good Riddance Day," was sponsored by the Times Square Alliance, organizers of the New Year's Eve ball-dropping celebration. Some participants wrote "the stock market" or "cancer" on a piece of paper and shredded it, while others shredded bags of bank statements and check stubs. Kate Anello, a Yankees fan from New York City, destroyed a poster of the city's longtime rival, the Boston Red Sox. "I hate them. It felt good." City resident Jay Ballesteros won a $250 prize for the most creative object to be shredded: a sock representing all the socks that emerge from the laundry without their mates. "I'm hoping to use the prize to buy some brand new socks." Hmm, what would you throw in the shredder to cleanse yourself of 2008? I could've really used one of those when I was moving out of my old apartment. Maybe a print-out of my 401k activity. Maybe a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker or something. I don't know. Thoughts? Throw them in my Comment Shredder!!! BE GONE, DEMON!!!

The 2008 $tevies

Back by popular demand, it's the 2nd Annual $tevie Awards…with your host, $teve. Based on something sent to my MySpace account last year. By the way, just because you're not mentioned in the Stevies doesn't mean that I don't care about you. It's simply some stupid stuff that I threw together to kind of sum up the year…and feel free to check out the numerous links to past entries to keep yourself entertained while I’m gone. So without further ado, this year's winners are...

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: Bubbles - Two-time winner of this award. Even her moving to Las Vegas couldn't stop us from getting drunk together…let's see…four times in Vegas & twice in Utah since she moved in March...and I'm going to Vegas for New Year's Eve. An honorable mention goes to JL Clyde, who shares my love for Rum & Coke Slurpees.

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): Isaihia - Another two-time winner, who got married a few months ago and has been down since the 2nd grade. How many people can say that? Honorable mention here goes to his little brother Spitsofrantic who's been a friend just about as long.

NEWCOMER AWARD: Lilie - Honestly, I don't think we had ever really talked before 2008, other than a few BS passing-the-time conversations…and now we write epic emails and stories for one another…and in keeping suit with past winners, just in time to become friends…she moves away to California. It's okay though…because I moved to Denver.

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Going Away Party - So many to choose from. Week vacation to San Diego with the Wingmans, multiple tripgasms to Vegas, weekend in Seattle, two-week road trip with my mom (including Denver prequel), getting a new job in Denver, my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, thanksgiving with the family at my new place, my buddy getting married, helping Bubbles & Filly move and further their careers & lives, and even my nephew Vinny being born to start it all off…but it was a sad splendor when it all kind of culminated in a fantastic celebration of all the year's trials & victories coming together with my friends & family and just having a badass fun time. Big thanks again to Boss Man B for hosting it all…and for everybody that showed up.

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Day of Infamy - There were a few inconveniences along the way this year, like driving through blizzards on the way to San Diego & to help Filly move, my brother & sister-in-law's hormonal cycles, the perpetual purgatory that is trying to get a good job in Vegas in these economic times (six months worth of entries), having a job offer rescinded because…well, it just was (and eventually reoffered), but I chose the Day of Infamy…because it was the beginning of the end…but also helped a lot of people to…basically push them out the door and into the next step of their careers. I mean…JJ, Bubbles, Filly, Amelia, Lilie, Heater, B, even myself and countless others have moved on from that call center job and into something more fulfilling (though maybe not as financially fulfilling in some cases) and are better for it. It's one of those horrible things that bring out the best in people, I guess. Anyway, that's how I see it…and why it gets an award.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas - Another repeat winner. Thanksgiving was awesome with my mom & the kids coming out to visit…but Christmas was awesome…and the Eagles made the playoffs...and I'm looking forward to New Year's in Las Vegas, possible winner for next year's $tevie Awards.

SONG FOR 2008: "No One" by Alicia Keys - To be honest, I don't think that I bought a CD this year…and though I like ditties that I've heard from John Legend and a few others, nothing really grabbed me. Akon had a few good tracks…and Ingrid Michaelson might've won…but "The Way I Am" was late last year…so it goes to Miss Keys and this soulful track with a good baseline. By the way, did I mention that I saw Ingrid Michaelson in concert AND Al Green? Because I did...

MOVIE FOR 2008: The Dark Knight - You can't beat Batman. Don't even try. It was an awesome movie from a comic book nerd perspective…and a cinematic storyline angle…and it was just fun & entertaining. Iron Man gets a nod…but even Kung Fu Pandas & a much-Wanted pistol-packing Angelina couldn't top Batman. I'd do a Movie List for Movies of 2008…but I'd rather not put forth the effort right now. Maybe when Awards Season rolls around.

VIDEO GAME FOR 2008: Rock Band - Yet another two-time winner. Rock Band parties were aplenty this past year and Rock Band 2 is merely a continuation of the same. So much fun…because it's Guitar Hero…with a dash of Karaoke…and the great anger release method of banging on drums COMBINED with some of the catchiest songs in the word. I still occasionally get that "Still Alive" song stuck in my head.

TV SHOW FOR 2008: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - All the cool cats agree. Dee, Dennis, Mac, Charlie, & Frank are the best. Hands down. This show is simply amazing and hilarious and I can't believe that I didn't know about it earlier. Damn you FX for being an obscure cable network famous for dramas like the Shield & Rescue Me. I didn't know that you could do comedy. Honorable mention to Heroes (though you've been around for a while, I just found out about you) but it's always sunny in Philadelphia…and God's an Eagles fan. I don't know...what do you guys think?

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: Your Mom - Surprisingly this wasn't a winner last year…but then again, she's easily forgettable. Honestly though, I spent Valentine's Eve having a Movie Night with Bubbles & the Mad Scientist…then worked on Valentine's Day and gave chocolates to the ladies at work…and got ready for my trip to Seattle that weekend…and looked back in my journal to see my string of horrible Valentine's Days. I'm optimistic that 2009's will break that string though. How? Delusion.

BEST RELATIONSHIP: N/A - Yeah, this year has kind of sucked in that department with only a few dates here and there…and mostly just awkward occasions. Sigh…so ronery...

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: N/A - The concept of Frank the Bunny never came to be…but I'm told it'll be ready for next year (only ten months to go) and it really didn't matter because I was busy moving into a new apartment in a new city when Halloween rolled around. Still waiting for those pictures from Bone Junior's party though (hint hint)

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Elway's at the Ritz-Carlton, Denver - Come on over and I'll show it to ya

BOOK OF THE YEAR: "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk - Thanks Mad Scientist!!!

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Moving On - Though it was without a doubt the hardest decision this year too…and as the six months aimed at Vegas will show, fairly tedious & frustrating…but it was about time for me to move on in my professional career, as well as try a new environment on my own (despite it being lonely), and just continue being the best person that I can be…but better. I think I've been able to do that this past year for the most part.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Live Each Day - This time last year, there was absolutely no indication that I would be typing this from Denver…at my new apartment…with a new job…and all my friends that I had just had a great Movie Night with would be scattered all over the United States in California, Nevada, Utah, Louisiana, Ohio, Colorado, Arizona, Texas, Florida and elsewhere. Basically, I just want to live each day greatly and have fun with this wonderful experience, meet new people, try new things and keep in touch with my loved ones. Simple plans, right?

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Driving Drunk - I'll admit it. There was one time this year where I probably shouldn't have been driving…but given the alternatives, it seemed like the only choice that I had. That being said, I waited a few hours for the effects to wear off a bit, went slow & steady…and my passenger & I made it home safely. I felt really bad about the situation…and haven't even put myself anywhere near that situation since. You know I hate drunk drivers…but the person was really sick and needed to get some rest. I had to do something. Now I make sure that I'm always ready on a moment's notice. Lesson learned.

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: My Apartment - I went from a sh*t hole with leaky pipes, shag carpeting, a retarded landlord and a giant hole in the f**king ceiling…to a premium bachelor pad on the 34th floor ABOVE a 5-star hotel. Oh yeah, in a different city too. That's a pretty big change.

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: George W. Bush - I mean…how did this guy become President? TWICE? I blame all of you who voted…even if it wasn't for him…because you didn't stand up and say "Hey, they both suck. Let's get somebody else in this election." Okay, so I don't really blame anyone…but still, he gets the award. Why? Why wouldn't he? I mean…I'm picking him over Terrell Owens…because at least he didn't screw around with my 401k. All of your $tevies are in the mail...


  • Travel more...or at least as much - Yup
  • Find a good girl who likes me too - Not of a sexual nature...
  • Have more sex...preferably with a woman nearby - Sigh...
  • Pursue another part-time job...maybe as a late night radio DJ - Sigh...
  • Play more basketball. I miss our times together - I'm going to the gym now
  • Give more to charity & donate time, blood, plasma, sperm, hair, feces, whatever they'll take - Blood & Time
  • Dance more...preferably with a woman nearby - A few times…but would like more
  • Swear less (now that my nieces & nephews are getting spongier) - Sigh…frack
  • Should I swear off Mountain Dew? - A lot less Mountain Dew, that's for sure
  • Nah, maybe just eat healthier...or cook more - Gym & cooking more
  • Remember JJ - Who? Oh yeah, the girl that would be sitting next to me if she weren't trying to stay away from me
  • Smack more asses (a.k.a. More forward with the opposite sex) - I've smacked a few asses this year
  • Drive my Baby more - Sigh…did you see the picture yesterday? Love ya mom!!!
  • Most importantly, make sure everybody out there knows how much I love & care for them - You all know, right?

  • Make Denver my new home
  • Find that Love I've been looking for
  • Progress in my job & learn everything about the industry
  • Don't Settle for Mediocrity
  • Learn another language (Spanish or Mandarin…to go along with English & German)
  • Renew my Passport…and use it
  • Get my body ripped…like Jesus
  • Movie Nights with neighbors and new friends in Denver
  • Play in a Recreational Basketball League
  • Smack more asses
  • Make sure everybody out there knows how much I love & care for them STILL!!!

Thank you all for making 2008 awesome and quite the memorable experience (and there's always the blog to remind me, just in case). I wish you all a safe & happy celebration of the new year. Have fun...and a great 2009 everybody!!! Drive safely & drink responsibly!!! See ya next year!!! (Lame, I know...)

Monday, December 29, 2008

It's a Christmas Miracle

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

My Christmas was magnificent. Thank you for asking. In fact, the greatest gift that I received wasn't given to me until late last night, just before I hopped on the plane home…but first things first. On Christmas Eve, I took a shuttle van (that showed up this time) to the airport and along the way talked with a few people heading to the Midwest (two to Milwaukee & one to Chicago). We talked about the holidays, winter weather, the industries we worked in, good times really. The flight was fairly uneventful. It was delayed an hour coming out of Oakland so that just meant that I got to watch a little basketball in the bar and drink a few Heinekens before the flight. No big whoop. I showed up at the SLC Airport about 9 PM, met up with my dad and we hung out a bit watching TV and catching up before I decided to call it a night because I had been up since about six that day…and if I didn't go to sleep, then Santa wouldn't stop by. Slept on a twin size bed in the den…like a baby.
Christmas morning, we woke up around eight shortly before my brother & his family showed up. The nieces and nephew were cute as hell, we passed around presents, my stepmom cooked a great breakfast and good times were had by all. Here are some pictures…
My dad's Tannenbaum
Brother Love & Daddy
Kairi opening my present to her
After that, we headed north to my mom's get-together. I would also like to mention at this point…that the city of Ogden needs to get their sh*t together and start plowing their roads. It's only been a problem really recently (about three years?) but there'll be about six inches of ice on MAJOR roads in the city…about three days after the latest snowfall. It's ridiculous…and dangerous. Cars were off the roads all the way up to my mom's house in the mountains…and we were driving a fully-loaded minivan to get there…and the roads weren't clear…until we left the city of Ogden and were in the mountains. Man up, Ogden. Get it taken care of. Anyway, here are some pictures from my brother's house...and then my mom's house
My brother's tree
Kelaudri, Kairi, mom & Vinny
Up at my mom's house
My Baby - The muscle car that I spent years restoring and
was told would be safe inside of a shed about ten yards
west of its current position, not in an igloo
Love ya mom!!!
My mom's tree...and key lime walls
Guess who the baby was...
The girl closest to the baby looks like she just
caught a whiff of a dirty daiper...
My stash
Here's my tally of gifts:

  • Gift Cards to Best Buy (used for Dark Knight on Blu-Ray), Target and Wal-Mart (future groceries?)

  • "How to Talk to Anyone" by Leil Lowndes - Yes, a book from my stepmom. It's actually pretty good though so far. Some stuff I knew already…but other points are interesting…and I'll have to test them

  • Dress Socks & Boxers…as predicted by tradition - Love ya mom, "Yay, socks & underwear!!!"

  • Tie & Dress shirts - Cuz a pimp needs to look his best

  • Leather Wallet - May be used when/if my other falls apart

  • Gloves - One size fits all? My ass!!!

  • Ornament for my tree - Total is now up to 21

  • Remote Control Organizer - Needed with my entertainment setup

  • Crock Pot & Cookbook for it - Bringing my total of crock pots to four…and cookbooks to three. That's right, more crock pots than cookbooks

  • Various goodies from my aunt - She gives me great recipes for desserts…that I share with the ladies…ladies…

  • Monogrammed hand towels & candle - Nothing like wiping my hands with my embroidered initials

  • Poo Poo Panda - It's a jelly bean dispenser that has a panda pooping brown jelly beans

  • iPod Dock with wireless speakers - Gonna see if there's a way to hook that up to my surround sound too

  • And the Greatest Gift of All…is coming up

That night, we had a lovely dinner (thanks mom) and stayed up at my mom's. My aunt Pat & Alicia were there too. Then my brother & I decided to get our drink on. He had picked up a 24-pack of Bud Light longnecks (Utah beer though, so doable) and he & I split it while playing board games like Harry Potter Clue and Trouble (a favorite when I was a kid). We kind of turned it into a drinking game…but it sort of became "Okay, if you roll the dice…and it's NOT doubles, chug a beer." It didn't get rowdy or anything because it was just us…and we were really just hydrated from how watered down Utah beer is…but good times were had. I slept on the air mattress that night in front of their fireplace…but I underestimated how hot that thing gets (and I think my brother turned up the thermostat) so around 6 AM, when I woke up sweating and thinking that the air mattress was about to melt, I went up and slept on the couch upstairs. It was okay though…because that meant that I was going to be woken up by my niece Kairi. "Mo'nin Unko 'Teve." Open my eyes to see her cute gap-toothed smile, "Mornin' sweetie."

That morning, I hung out with my mom and helped her with breakfast, played with the kids and their new toys and it was just awesome. Eventually, my brother & sister-in-law woke up and we headed into town (she had to work), my brother & I hit the Best Buy & Wal-Mart with our gift cards (he bought a few games) and good times were had by all. I also watched a few movies like "Death Race" (Running Man with cars), "Role Models" (funny) and "Pineapple Express" (okay funny) but I won't bore you with details on those just yet. Maybe another entry. Spent the night at my brother's and slept on his couch (so of course I woke up feeling sick).

Saturday morning, my cell phone kept going off with my text message ringtone ("Slow Jamz" with Kanye, Twista & Jamie Foxx) so I figured that it must be something important to bug me at 8:30 AM on a Saturday. Alas it was my aunt Pat asking if I was able to hang out with her & my cousin Alicia because she just got Guitar Hero World Tour and wanted to play and only got to see me a few hours. That's the thing with these quick trips back home. There were so many people that I wanted to see…and busy schedules…and ice all over the roads…that I only got to see most of them…and only for a few hours here and there. So yeah, I had to say no because I already had plans…though I know it would have made their day…but I already spent a few hours with them the night before. It's a messed-up situation…and even IF they didn't try to run a guilt trip, it happens naturally for me. There were a few occasions of that this weekend…but still, it was my choice. Besides, she woke me up on a Saturday morning. The nerve.

That night, I made it back to my old job for a few to see some of the coworkers including Cat & Casanova…then headed out to get some sushi & sake then to a party with JL Clyde & the Mad Scientist. Here is photographic evidence of this occasion…

JL Clyde & the Mad Scientist...who appears to be very tired

Joey's tree, a skeleton & "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"

The night ended a little earlier than expected…but still a lot of fun. It's good to see the old gang and hang out for a while. Then came Sunday…and the Greatest Christmas Gift of All Time was given to me. Who gave it to me? GOD!!! (Who apparently hates the Cowboys). It started Sunday morning, when I awoke in a surprisingly good mood (must have been some awesome dreams) and started watching the pregame show for football. The scenario was laid out…for a Christmas Miracle. First off, either the Vikings or Bears had to lose. The Vikings were playing the team with the best record in the NFC & defending Super Bowl Champion, NY Giants…but the Giants were resting their starters for the playoffs already with nothing to play for really…so the Vikings pulled out a victory. Dang, now the Houston Texans had to beat the Chicago Bears. It was a close game…but in the end, the Texans pulled out the victory. Awesome. Now, the lowly Raiders had to beat their fellow pillagers, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

An interesting story (that I kind of made up about this game) involves the former head coach of the Raiders Lane Kiffin (who was fired by crazy crotchety owner Al Davis for really no reason) and the Buccaneers defensive coordinator…and his father, Monte Kiffin. Well, Lane was hired shortly after as the coach for the University of Tennessee…and his dad will be joining him when the season's over. Now, I made up this little story about how they were gathered around the tree opening presents and then there's a box that says "To: Dad From: Lane" probably with wrapping paper with little footballs on it. Dad, a little teary eyed, says, "Thank you son. What is it?" "Open it up, pop." Bits of shiny paper are ripped off and lo and behold…it's a book…with a Raiders logo on it. "What? What is this?" "I couldn't think of anything else to get you…so I got you my copy of the Raiders playbook from when those c*cksuckers fired me. I know you guys have a big game against them on Sunday." Now, dad is in full blown crocodile tears. "Thank you son. It's perfect. I love you." Manly embrace, queue touchy moment music. Fast forward a few days to the Buccaneers losing to the Raiders and Monte gets a call on his cell phone, "Hey it's me, Lane. I was on a recruiting trip and saw on Sportscenter that you guys lost. What happened?" "Who the f**k is Michael Bush?" "I…who? I think we had a guy on the practice squad when I was there named Bush. Why?" "That sum'bich ran all over us." So yeah…now the matchup between the future world champion Philadelphia Eagles and the cast of the Longest Yard known as the Dallas Cowboys actually meant something. The winners were going to the playoffs…and the losers would head back to Dallas…er, back home. Sorry, spoiler alert.

My dad & I were REALLY excited with this turn of events (by the way, his team lost to the Bengals ensuring a top 3 draft pick that he thinks will be Tim Tebow, that's why he was stoked. Too bad Tebow will really be around in the 3rd round…and I made a wage for five bucks that says so) so I thought it'd work out to spend more time with my dad AND watch the game. It started out a pretty good game. In the early second quarter, the Eagles led 10-3 and I was keeping fellow hottie Eagles fan Bone Junior updated on the score…and then the Greatest Gift of All, the Christmas Miracle of 2008 happened…all over the Cowboys' asses. Romo was getting hit & fumbling, passes were flying into the bleachers, TO was yapping on the sidelines, coach Wade Phillips looked lost, Brian Dawkins was leading the crowd in cheers, McNabb was dancing and before you knew it, in the 3rd quarter, the Eagles were up 41-3 and I was like a kid on Christmas…just waiting for TO to cry during the post-game conference. Too bad that was over an hour away. Apparently, the updates sent shivers of pleasure up Bone Junior's spine as well…which was also sweet. Yes, the Greatest Gift of 2008, courtesy of the Big Guy…was the Philadelphia Eagles making it to the Playoffs against all odds. Not only that, there first game next week is against the Vikings…so very winnable…and the next round would then be against the Giants, who they've already beaten this year…and then some other team…and then the Super Bowl against the Colts. Oh yes, you've heard it here first ladies & gentlemen. The Eagles will make it all the way to the Super Bowl…and will play the Indianapolis Colts, who will be carrying a 12-game winning streak into that game. Set your TiVo's (that means Joaquin for you, Bone Junior) and get ready. It's gonna be awesome!!!

This mural...is at the Denver Int'l Airport

It never ceases to confuse me...

So yeah, after that, I watched a little of the Broncos / Chargers game to find out who was going to lose to the Colts in the playoffs next week…and then headed for the airport. Read a few pages of my new book "How to Talk to Anyone" and long story short, I got to bed around 2 AM, then back up this morning around 6:30. Work was work. Tonight, I'm posting this post…and basically paying all the bills and getting ready for my trip to Vegas tomorrow night for New Year's Eve. It's gonna be fun. Anyway, probably half of you have stopped reading because I rambled on about football…but whatever, I was rambling about the Greatest Gift of All…besides Love I guess…but still, pretty damn awesome. Years from now, you may see me star in my own movie entitled "It's a Christmas Miracle, Mookie Love!!!" about this past weekend…and it'll rock…and be rated PG-13 for brief nudity, the Kiffins' dirty language and intense mystery…like this weekend's mystery that popped up while we were playing board games and my sister-in-law was taking too long in the bathroom - "Who peed in the litter box?"

I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with Smee. Merry Christmas Everybody…and a Happy New Year!!!

Friday, December 26, 2008

A Little Christmas Craziness

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Just chillin' at my brother's waiting to watch his kids for him while he goes to allegedly have lunch with his wife at work (needed a minute away from him honestly) so I thought I'd just let you know that I made out like a bandit for Christmas (divorced & remarried parents have their advantages...even at my age) and I'm having a great time in the city of Salt. Tomorrow's gonna be a bit of a party and I drank a 12-pack of Bud Light longnecks last night, so getting ready for Vegas. In the meantime, sparing you details and pictures until later dates, here's some Christmas craziness in the news...

Snowzilla - A giant snowman named Snowzilla has mysteriously appeared again this year — despite the city's cease-and-desist order. Someone again built the giant snowman in Billy Powers' front yard in an east Anchorage neighborhood. Snowzilla reappeared before dawn Tuesday. Powers is not taking credit. When questioned Tuesday afternoon, he insisted Snowzilla just somehow happened, again. For the last three years, Snowzilla — to the delight of some and the chagrin of others — has been a very large feature in Powers' yard. In 2005, Snowzilla rose 16 feet. He had a corncob pipe and a carrot nose and two eyes made out of beer bottles. This year, Snowzilla is estimated to be 25 feet tall. He's wearing a black stovepipe hat and scarf. "Have you seen him?" Powers asked when reached by telephone at his home, the sound of excited children in the background. "He's handsome." Snowzilla has consistently risen outside Powers' modest home. His children (father of seven) collected snow from neighbors' yards to make the snowman big enough. Each year, Snowzilla got a bit bigger. Not everybody in the neighborhood liked all the cars and visitors who came to see him. City officials this year deemed Snowzilla a public nuisance and safety hazard. A cease-and-desist order was issued. The city tacked a public notice on Powers' door. City officials said the structure increased traffic to the point of endangerment and that the snowman itself was unsafe. The mayor's office on Tuesday issued a statement defending its move against Snowzilla. "This property owner has repeatedly ignored city attempts to find ways to accommodate his desire to build a giant snowman without affecting the quiet, residential quality of the neighborhood," said the statement from Mayor Mark Begich's office. "This is a neighborhood of small homes on small lots connected by small streets. It can't support the volume of traffic and revelers that are interested in Snowzilla." The mayor's office says Powers appears to run a large junk and salvage operation from his home. He has violated land use codes for 13 years. He owes the city more than $100,000 in fines and other assessments. Powers said it is the city that has been difficult, not him. "I have tried to jump through every goofy hoop they have sent to me. I have never been confrontational and it goes on and on and on and it is so goofy. Some of it is unfounded, some is just outrageous." The city said it did not expect to take any further action until after Christmas…but until then, Snowzilla shall stand proudly in his yard. That's a big snowman, there's no doubt. Three stories high is amazing for one family…but then again…

China Ups the Ante - China's freezing northern city of Harbin is building what organizers say is the world's largest Santa Claus ice sculpture. The giant Father Christmas, 525 feet long and 80 feet high, centers on an enormous face of Father Christmas, complete with flowing beard and hat. Its huge size and unseasonably warm temperatures have made the job especially challenging, said Tang Guangjun, one of the sculptors. "It is even bigger and higher than last year's, and more difficult. The weather swings between warm and cold, so it becomes very wet and slippery on the ice. It is very dangerous for us." Harbin, the capital of Heilongjiang province on the edge of Siberia, is one of China's coldest places. Winter temperatures can drop to below minus 35 degrees Celsius (- 31 F). Every year the city plays host to a world-renowned ice festival...but the effects of global warming are taking a toll as the snow and ice now melt more rapidly than in the past. Organizers said they had to artificially make snow for the Santa Claus sculpture. Still, the sculpture has attracted thousands of tourists from all over the country who want to enjoy a white Christmas despite worries over the economic downturn. Many said such tourism could help to boost the economy. "It can stimulate the economy and consumption. When people feel happier, they will want to spend more, so it will lift the economy of the city and even the country," said Li Qingsheng, a tourist from Beijing. Officials in Harbin remained optimistic about the tourist outlook for the winter. An estimated 800,000 tourists, 90% of them Chinese, were expected to visit the ice festival, said Jia Yan, director of the local tourism bureau. The festival traditionally runs from mid-December to early February. See? See what can happen when we work together instead of throw out petty fines and notices? We could have a gigantic (and potentially dangerous) Santa in downtown Anchorage…but NO!!! We've gotta be all bah humbug about it…and the Chinese take our idea and make it work…and stimulate their economy. Lesson learned? Now let's start on this giant leprechaun made of dollar bills for St. Patty's Day in a few months…

Counterfeit Bon Bons? - The French customs service announced today that officers at the giant Rungis international market outside Paris seized TEN TONS (nearly 33,000 boxes) of gold-foil-wrapped morsels, on suspicion that they were counterfeit Ferrero Rochers, a popular Italian chocolate brand. Lab tests and an examination by Ferrero itself found that the seized candies were harmless...but low-quality copies. They arrived in France by refrigerated truck from Turkey and were seized in late November. Legal proceedings are under way between Ferrero and the chocolates' importer, said Sophie Hocquerelle, a spokeswoman for the French customs office. "It was the first time we had ever seized chocolates," Hocquerelle said -- and what a seizure: 10 tons of coconut-filled dark chocolates and milk chocolate balls worth an estimated $312,230 (street value?). The customs office said the fake Ferreros confirmed a trend seen in recent years of counterfeiters moving on from luxury goods like leather handbags and expensive perfumes to more day-to-day consumer goods like food, medicine and car parts. By last month French customs agents had seized 5.4 million counterfeit items this year, up from 4.6 million in all of 2007. As for those chocolates -- they're to be destroyed. That's a lot of Christmas pounds leading to New Year's Resolutions…that will go without this year. I'm glad to see that they're finally cracking down on these low-quality chocolates imported from Turkey. In related news, the Turkish Sex Slave Trade is in full swing while customs agents are slowly destroying these chocolates one nibble at a time. Don't look so surprised. This is the same country that tested bombs on Tahiti.

Stallone's Latest - Sylvester Stallone is after his old "Demolition Man" co-star Sandra Bullock to join him in his new action film "The Expendables" reports JoBlo. This movie sounds pretty badass…but what would you expect from Stallone? Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren (oh yeah, Ivan Drago & Rocky on the same team), Forest Whitaker and UFC Champion Randy Couture star in the story of a team of mercenaries on a mission to overthrow a South American dictator. Bullock would play a government agent (paired up with Whitaker) on the hunt for Stallone's crew of hired guns. Stallone co-stars and directs. I wonder if this will be the next installment of the Rambo series…just throwing in the Transporter, the One, the Punisher (look it up) and an MMA superstar…and they're being chased by Whitaker & Bullock. Oh yeah, I'd watch it. I hope that Antonio Banderas signs on as the South American dictator. Have you ever seen "Assassins"? Do it. Great action flick with Stallone & Banderas. Anyway, it'll probably be at least a year until the previews come out…so keep your fingers crossed…and your guns loaded.

Anyway, now that I'm all excited, I think my stepdad's almost here with the niece & nephew. I'll be posting pictures of them in a few days between my trip here and Vegas for New Year's. Just letting you all know that I made it safe...and the world's a crazy place full of counterfeit confections, giant men made entirely of snow & dreams...and Sylvester Stallone to balance it all out. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Santa Flies First Class Cuz That's How Pimps Roll

Happy Holidays Ladies & Gentlemen,

Merry Christmas Eve to you all…and since I probably won't see you until after then, Merry Christmas as well. Just a few hours of work and then grab some lunch and head to the airport. In about twelve hours, I'll be hanging at my dad's house and enjoying time with the family. Can't wait. Oh...and in case you were wondering about the title, I basically think that Santa's a pimp. I mean...the guy wears flamboyant red velvet suits with I can only assume white mink trims, big badass gangsta boots & belts (possibly ostrich skin), carries a big sack...and even walks around saying "Ho" this and "Ho" that and telling people of all ages to sit on his lap. Let's not even start with the whole breaking and entering thing...but he gives back to the people too, so he's a cool cat. Merry Christmas to you, Santa! May your ho's ackrite so that you can have some nog with nutmeg this evening. It's hard out there for a pimp.

I watched "In Bruges" starring Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson and Ralph Fiennes. The story is about two hitmen, Ray & Ken, who are holding up in Belgium (in Bruges, oddly enough) by orders of their boss Harry (Fiennes) after Ray (Farrell) accidentally shoots a little boy during a hit at a church. While there, Ken (Gleeson) checks out some of the sights of this "fairytale" city…and honestly, it looks like a pretty awesome, well-preserved medieval town. Anyway, Ray is really torn up about it…and semi-suicidal…which is odd, because Harry just called and told Ken to kill him. However, Ken really likes Ray. So what's going to happen? Well, it's a pretty good movie…though I don't really know what genre it is. Maybe a black comedy. It has its funny parts…and there's a lot of swearing (sign of a comedy) but obviously it's a little brutal at some points given the subject material…but there's also a midget, so it has to be a comedy…with brutal drama thrown in…with a dash of heart…and a few gallons of blood.

Anyway, other than that, I basically just talked to Bubbles last night about New Year's and she's super excited about it…and driving to California to hang with the family for Christmas, so that's cool. Oddly enough, Lilie drove from Cali to Vegas on her way to Utah tonight…so exact opposite directions there. Again, I'll be flying into Utah tonight…and super excited. Haven't seen my dad in two months…and it's already been a month since I've seen my mom…and a few months since I've seen my brother. I even got a call yesterday from my buddy Chris who I haven't seen in over a year…and his daughter Sara talked on the phone too. Haven't seen her since she was just a little lady of about four years old. She's turning eight in June. My, how time flies. Enjoy the times you have with your loved ones…and here's a little Christmas quiz that I decided to do.

From: Alisa

  1. What is your favorite Christmas song? I have a plethora of Christmas albums from Nat King Cole to Charlotte Church to THE Reverend Al Green to a surprisingly horrible one of Sinatra & Bing Crosby duets. However, one of my favorite new songs that I heard the other day was off the Richard Cheese Christmas album, "Christmas in Las Vegas" from the "Silent Nightclub" album. It's fun and catchy…and it's Vegas. On the real though, what can really beat Nat King Cole's "Christmas Song"? Really?

  2. When was your most memorable Christmas? Wow. It's always a good time for Christmas…but I really can't think of one that was particularly memorable. I remember getting a Nintendo when I was six…with Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future shipgun things. That was pretty sweet. Last Christmas was awesome. How's that for an answer?

  3. What is your favorite Christmas treat? Baby Jesus Cookies a.k.a. Kiefels (My aunt Pat's going to have a box of them waiting for me)

  4. What do you dislike most about the Christmas season? Commercialism…which is weird being a Marketing Management degree holder…but yeah, Christmas is all about the Love, not the presents. To me, your presence is presents enough.

  5. What do you like best about the Christmas season? Being with the family and friends and those you care about. You really can't top it. I'd say the Christmas Spirit…but it does seem like nowadays a lot of people have sand in their orifices this time of year. Still, I try to spread the Spirit…oh and that "Spirit" movie comes out on Christmas. Violent & action-packed. That's cool.

  6. Who is the hardest person to shop for on your Christmas list? My dad. The man has EVERYTHING!!! Tools, clothes, therapeutic massagers, blah blah blah. I usually just have to get him some comedies & action movies from the 80's to give him something.

  7. If you could receive one gift without money being an issue, what would it be? Rent's good…but I'm down with just hugs & loves. I don't need any more electronics or anything like that, just a place to rest my head…and maybe somebody to lay next to.

  8. What is your idea of a perfect Christmas Eve? About 5'8" or so, red hair, green eyes (to keep with the Christmas theme), athletic build, probably a Southern accent (though Irish would seem more likely), great sense of humor, sweet personality, great cook, has a thing for tall guys with stuffed animals in his bedroom, pretty much a nympho, heck…it'd even be a hilarious name for a couple, $teve & Eve.

  9. Which do you like best, eggnog, or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate - "I believe in miracles…"

  10. Do you prefer a fancy Christmas tree, or one decorated by the kids? Frankly, I don't care. If the kids have fun, I say let them do all the work…but I have a fake tree with about twenty ornaments on it…but I make it work.

  11. What is your favorite family Christmas tradition? My stepmom's family does a little Nativity scene play every year with the younger kids so we take pictures and it's cute as hell. I'm thinking that Vinny will play the baby Jesus this year if he makes it…and Kairi'd be a shepherd or something. I think she was Jesus two years ago…but I didn't make it that year (damn former job).

  12. Do you like fruitcake? I like Fig Newtons. They're fruit AND cake.

  13. Do you prefer skiing or snowboarding? Skiing…but I haven't been either in many years…though I used to have a season pass due to family hookups.

  14. Are you dreaming of a White Christmas, or do you say "Bah Humbug" to snow? I enjoy snow a lot…as long as I don't have to drive in it and other drivers don't act retarded around me. "Oh man, there's ice on the ground. I should speed up so I get home quicker. Deeeeeerp…"

  15. What was your favorite gift from Santa when you were a child? Underwear and socks. I was a weird kid.

  16. What is your favorite Christmas movie? "It's a Wonderful Life" with "Scrooged" close behind. I believe I made a Movie List for this one...

  17. Have you ever eaten snow? Not today…but I have been at work all day.

  18. Who do you wish could be with you this Christmas? All my family & friends who couldn't make it like my grandparents (passed on), Bubbles, Filly, Elvis, Batman (work to be done) and Megan Fox (engaged to some other dude).

  19. When do you put up your Christmas lights and decorations? Right around Thanksgiving….and they usually stay up until the 4th of July.

  20. Real or artificial Christmas tree? Artificial…though I prefer real…just like breasts

Have a great weekend everybody!!! Travel safely…and Merry Christmas to all!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

500 Rants & Counting

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, today's a milestone of sorts. This is my 500th entry into the blogosphere. It seems like only last year I started this thing because…well, I was really bored and needed to at least look like I was busy at work…and as luck would have it, this thing entertained a few people so it served another purpose. Now, the lovely Alisa suggested that I celebrate my 500th post by listing 500 reasons why I blog or 500 things that I want for Christmas…but that sounds like a whole lot of work of stretching my imagination…and a lot of girls names, which would only frustrate me & probably bore you. So I thank you for the suggestion Alisa…but perhaps another time. I did however remember a few months ago when I did this whole Search thing to see how many posts mention certain people, places, and things…and I thought that I'd run that thing again. Here are some of the updated results, showing how many mentions in 500 posts.

Mom - 188
Bubbles - 162
$teve - 154
Dad - 142
JL Clyde - 111
The Mad Scientist - 73
Wingman - 71
Jesus - 71
Mookie - 60
Lilie - 54
Kairi (my niece) - 50
Foxy / Box Girl - 45
Adriana - 36
Vinny (my nephew) - 34
Angelina - 34
Elvis - 34
Milla - 25
Kiel (my brother) - 24
Lindsay - 22
Bone Junior - 21
Spitsofrantic - 21
Alisa / Laquesse - 19
Megan Fox - 18

Conclusion: It's finally happened. This blog has become more about my mom and my hot friend Bubbles than myself. It was only a matter of time, I suppose. Kudos to JL Clyde for moving up the ranks…and the Mad Scientist for being mentioned more than Jesus. Thanks for the Christmas present last year…of the Jesus action figure.

Vegas - 180
Utah - 150
Denver - 86
Europe - 72
Slick City - 68
Texas - 48
New Orleans - 42
San Diego - 39
Philadelphia - 36
St. Louis - 24
Seattle - 24
Detroit - 20
Memphis - 17
Amsterdam - 17
$tevonia - 6

Conclusion: No surprise that Vegas won out in the end…because there was about six months there were it was mentioned every day. The first time I did this, Denver was mentioned four times…and now it's up to 86. Wonder how that happened. Oh yeah, I live here now. Texas was a little surprising…but then again, I do mention a lot of stupid news stories.

Love - 370
Family - 264
Sex - 131
Basketball - 126
Dreams - 118
Peace - 84
Chicken - 81
Panda - 76
Cookie - 60
Bacon - 42
Breasts - 38
Pancakes - 22
Sexbots - 21

Conclusion: Glad that Sex finally passed Basketball and Dreams…but no surprise that Love & Family are the top two. Anyway, that's the numbers as they currently stand. Now let's get to some interesting news bits…

Caviar for the Homeless - Again, the Italians are showing us up. Down-and-outs and hard up pensioners in Milan will enjoy a rare Christmas treat this year: choice beluga caviar confiscated from traffickers. Italian police seized over 40 kg (88 lb) of the delicacy, worth some 400,000 Euros ($558,300), from two men who last month smuggled it into the country from Poland for sale in the shops of Milan and the rest of the wealthy Lombardy region. The head of the local forest police (Robin Hood?) who carried out the raid kept the bounty in barrack fridges for several weeks, but realized it would soon go bad. "Tests showed us the food was still perfectly OK to eat but it couldn't be stored much longer, so we decided to give it to the poor," Juri Mantegazza told Milan daily Corriere della Sera. A small amount of the sturgeons' eggs have been kept for further analysis while the rest has been sent to voluntary associations, charity kitchens and old people's homes. "Everything that comes our way is very welcome, even though most of our guests don't even know what those little black balls are," said Virginio Colmega, a priest who helps run the House of Charity in Milan. So this holiday season is going to be a little special for those patrons…but yeah, honestly…I'm not sure if I would trust beluga caviar that was served to me in a soup line either. Then again, I wouldn't trust it at a family reunion either. I've tried caviar on multiple occasions…and I just don't see what the big deal is. I'd actually prefer some good ol' Wisconsin cheese on my cracker. Maybe it's like modern art…and I just don't get it.

China's Most Popular Animal - IS NOT A PANDA??? According to a recent survey, a pig that survived 36 days buried in the rubble of May's massive Sichuan earthquake has been voted China's favorite animal...but the attention has made him fat, lazy and bad-tempered, state media said. The hog, trapped in a sty after the 7.9 magnitude quake, was bought by a local businessman who was moved by its ordeal and named "Zhu Jianqiang," or "Strong Pig." It survived by eating charcoal and drinking rainwater. Now it has been voted top of an online poll of animals "who moved China" this year, the weekend edition of the China Daily said. Other top animals included a dog that guarded its elderly owner when he was sick and accompanied him to hospital, and a cat that almost died of grief when its partner was run over by a car. The pig "vividly illustrated the spirit of never giving up," the report cited the webmasters who ran the poll as saying. People come from all over to see the pig at its new home in a museum...but it was becoming increasingly spoiled and ungrateful. "It's gotten fatter and lazier by the day. We used to take it out for a walk every morning and afternoon, but it's too lazy -- and too fat -- to do it." And the pig is getting fed up with visitors, after initially being quite friendly. "Now it just blocks the door to its bedroom when there are too many visitors outside. It's been increasingly difficult for us to convince it to open the door." I still can't believe that Pandas weren't even in the top three…but then again, if it's about "who moved China" then it makes sense. Speaking of fat & lazy, most of those giant raccoons don't have the drive to bow chicka bow wow in a perfectly situated environment with a willing partner while having porn playing in the background to save their species. I'm pretty sure there's even a fluffer nearby. What else do you need? Frankly, I'm a little frustrated…and I came up with the panda porn idea years ago. Maybe this drop in distinction will help them to straighten up (boioioioing) and get to reproducing. As for Strong Pig, you are bacon to me. Stubborn, heroic, crispy bacon.

Sexbot Update - A new household robot created in Japan is capable of rinsing the dishes in the sink before neatly lining them up in the dishwasher and pressing the start button for the washing cycle. The multi-jointed robot arm, created by scientists the University of Tokyo with the electronics company Panasonic, is one of a series of prototype devices designed to perform household chores. Fitted with 18 delicate sensors, the kitchen assistant robot (KAR) is able to grasp delicate china and cutlery without dropping or breaking them in a palm-like device. Using its internal camera along with the sensors, the robot is able to determine the shapes and sizes of dirty dishes and utensils placed in the sink before picking them up and loading them in the dishwasher. Scientists have set a target of creating a smaller and lighter robot which will be able to load the dirty plates and cooking utensils of a family of four into the dishwasher in just five minutes. The robot will be available for sale in five years, with scientists also promising to tackle other household chores with the creation of devices capable of performing disliked activities such as the laundry. As home to one of the world's fastest ageing populations, Japan is experiencing a boom in robotic developments, with the market currently estimated at about $4 billion and poised to boom to $50 billion by 2030, according to the Japan Robot Association (of course). A growing number of companies are investing heavily in the future of household robotics, many of which are designed to assist daily life for the elderly as well as the infirm. How is this a Sexbot Update? Instead of "loading the dishwasher" meaning getting the wife drunk, you can utilize that time for more…important things. See, Sexbots aren't just about robots that you can have sex with…but also about robots making it possible for you to have more sex…like a cybernetic wingman. Not convinced, well then how about this next story?

The G Chip - Researchers at Oxford University say a brain implant will one day stimulate pleasure centers for people who have trouble enjoying sex and otherwise experiencing pleasure, according to a UK news report. The sex chip, as it's been dubbed, would stimulate a part of the brain called the orbitofrontal cortex, targeting a joyless condition called anhedonia. A device along the same lines has been used already to treat Parkinson's disease but a workable implant for stimulating orgasms is said to be a decade away because for now the surgery is too crude and intrusive. Researcher Tipu Aziz says, "When the technology is improved, we can use deep brain stimulation in many new areas. It will be more subtle, with more control over the power so you may be able to turn the chip on and off when needed." Off? Some of you might recall the orgasmatron, a fictional electromechanical device in Woody Allen's 1973 movie "Sleeper" or of course Barberella's Orgasmatron…or maybe Trey Parker superhero Orgazmo's Orgasmaray. They may have been rather impractical, being a large cylinder that a hopeful couple had to climb into…but they're working on it. As is often the case, sci-fi precedes real science…but for more spontaneous joy, bionic implants are perhaps the preferred method over walk-in cylinders. On that front, there is precedent. U.S. Dr. Stuart Meloy, working on a way to treat chronic pain, stumbled on a real-world orgasmatron that involves sticking an electrode into a woman's spine. "When we turned on the power in this case, she let out a moan and began hyperventilating," Meloy said on ABC's "Good Morning America" back in 2004. "Of course we cut the power and I looked around the drapes and asked her what was going on. Once she caught her breath, she said 'You're gonna have to teach my husband how to do that!'" Meloy's device requires surgical insertion and costs about $3,000 today. Hot! So you see, science is in the process of helping us all get our freak on…and before you know it we'll be putting little halos on our head, sitting cross-legged in the middle of a room having sex like in "Demolition Man." The science of sex is pretty basic. Stimulate the right spots at the right time and BOOM!!! What makes it more incredible is of course all the build-up, the sense of connection with your partner, maybe the rockin' somebody's world the good old fashioned way…but there's a thin line between getting your rocks off and being addicted to orgasms. Honestly, if you had a button somewhere that when you pushed it, BOOM!!! Wouldn't you just spend all day double-clicking it? Well, here's the great thing, ladies. You do…and if you need help finding it, it's one of the many services that I render. I even sing…and will write little songs for you, say sweet things, rub your back, read poetry and am more than willing to pull your hair and smack your ass too. Let's see a computer chip to that.

Well, now that I've reached that point in the entry, I guess I'll call it a day. I hope that everybody's having a wonderful holiday season and has great plans for Christmas over the next few days. Can't wait to see all of you in Utah again. Still can't believe I've done 500 of these things. Weird. Oh well, it all happens for a reason. Just waiting for my big paycheck because somebody thinks I'm clever and wants me to write a book. Have a great day everybody!!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

I Knew You'd Say That

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,
Getting so close to a Holiday Weekend back home, I can feel it. All the presents are packed in my airline-approved sack, the travel arrangements are double and triple checked, I seem to be one of only a handful of people at work…and have forgotten a password apparently & nobody can seem to give me access because they're all on vacation, oh yes…the Holidays are in full swing. Also…tomorrow will be my 500th post on this blog. I know, time flies by, right? I called my mom's house over the weekend…and my sister-in-law told me the cutest story ever, so I thought that I'd share it with you. Apparently they were going through some pictures from their wedding and last Christmas…and my sister-in-law stumbled upon a picture of me. My niece Kairi was there and she said something to her like, "Look Kairi, Uncle $teve." So Kairi got all excited and grabbed the picture to look at it, "I want Unka 'Teve." "He'll be here in a few days, sweetie. He's coming in from Denver for Christmas." "I want Unka 'Teve NOW" and she pulls the picture to her chest and starts hugging it like mad...in tears. "Oooooh baby, it's okay. He'll be here in a few days." She wipes her eyes and smiles, "Okay." Tell me that's not cute. Anyway, just a few more days to go until then.

Last night, as illustrated in the One Day Photo Project, I watched "Time Bandits" for the first time. To be perfectly honest, it was okay…but not incredible by any means. It's the story of a young boy who is whisked away on a magical adventure by following little people who claim to be fugitives…and have a mysterious map that leads them across space & time to steal riches beyond their wildest dreams…but things happen along the way. It's from director Terry Gilliam and the minds of Monty Python…and even has Sean Connery in it briefly. The fantasy and everything's great…but I don't know exactly why I wasn't that interested in it. There were moments of hilarity…but very brief…and not the usual Monty Python kind of stuff. Like Labyrinth…but without David Bowie or jailbait Jennifer Connelly or Muppets. I know. Think about that one for a second…and throw in some English accents. Okay…but not incredible. Now, for the news...

Get the Hint - A Maine man (not my main man) found a wallet stuffed with cash on the floor in a home improvement store. Two days later, he found a loaded money bag in the same store. Gil Steward was shopping Tuesday at The Home Depot in Auburn, Maine when he spied the wallet, which was stuffed with nearly $1,000 in $100 bills (can a wallet be stuffed with less than ten bills?). He returned it to The Home Depot store's service counter and it was returned to a very grateful owner. On Thursday, same hour and same store, Steward saw a green money bag on the floor. Again, it was returned to its rightful owner. His wife, Dee, said her husband thinks he's being tested (by the CIA?). As for Steward, he said he plans to play the lottery this weekend. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is. I mean…do they really still make green money bags? That seems a little…too obvious. Was there a dollar sign on it too? Was it the same owner both times? Maybe he's trying to give money away for the Holidays…and this guy just won't get the hint. I don't know. If I were in the situation…I might be the kind of guy to turn the money in…the first time. Who's walking around with a money bag at the Home Depot anyway? "Yes, I would like a golden toilet please." "Sir, we don't have a golden toilet in stock." "Oh…then perhaps you can order one in from CASHONIA!!!" and he throws handfuls of money into the air from his magical money bag. Oh yeah, it happens at the Home Depot all the time.

Werewolf Update - "Superman Returns" and "X2" co-scribe Mike Dougherty is developing the werewolf dramedy "Bitches" for FOX (of course) says Reuters. The story is described as a quirky fairy tale of a quartet of female friends in New York City who just happen to be werewolves - think "Sex and the City" with far less waxing and a more appropriate name. Now, as you know, werewolves are one of those key things that will make me watch your movie…even if it's described with any relation to a "Sex and the City" so we'll see if I end up seeing this one. Chances are…as a rental. Much more interested in the "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" prequel (despite no Kate Beckinsale) and the lesbian horror flick "Jack & Diane" with Ellen Page. I've done a Werewolf Movie List, haven't I? Dang, I thought I was going to be original today. Oh well, here's another Future Watch, I guess.

Judge Dredd Remake - DNA Films, Rebellion and 2000 AD (almost nine years ago) are set to bring a new version of "Judge Dredd" to the big screen. 2000AD CEO Jason Kingsley says "We can't give away too many details at this point, but we're looking forward to working with DNA Films to bring Judge Dredd back to the big screen." The film was previously adapted as a big-budget Sylvester Stallone action film in 1995 which scored weak reviews and poor box-office…despite being one of the coolest movies EVER in my humble opinion. The new Dredd will go into production in 2009. Hmm, maybe there's one more thing that can be added to my Key Things list to watch your movie. Remake a Sylvester Stallone movie. Preferably with Sylvester Stallone in it. Proof? You want proof? How about the latest Rambo…or Rocky Balboa? Or how excited I was when I heard they might be making a Cliffhanger sequel? Here's an idea, how about a second Demolition Man? You can even bring back Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) through DNA regeneration or something like that. Seriously, I would watch "Stop of my Mom will Shoot…Again" starring Sly and a more appropriate mother, Miss Sophia Loren. He's Italian, right? Why wouldn't his mother be Italian? Anyway, that's just my opinion. Then again, I had him starring in a movie version of the game Jenga. Have I done a Sylvester Stallone Movie List? All I know is the Flush It would be "Rhinestone" if I did. The rest has too much competition for greatness. How can you pit Rocky against Rambo? Hmm, actually, now that I think about it, that'd be a great 7th installment of the Rocky series. Maybe the details of this Judge Dredd remake can't be discussed…because they're trying to work John Spartan (Demolition Man) into the script somehow. (Gasp) Perhaps I've said too much. Do what you must do Mr. Kingsley. I'll be waiting. Work Diane Lane back into it too...if you can.

Anyway, that'll do it for me for today. Gonna try to think of something special for my 500th Post tomorrow. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise, you just get my usual boring stuff. Sigh…the Eagles came up a few inches short on the last play of the game last night and now their playoff hopes are in jeopardy. All they have to do is beat the Cowboys next week, hope the Raiders beat the Bucs in the Pirate Bowl and hope the Bears lose tonight and next week. All of which are very possible. Keep your fingers crossed for this team of destiny. If they can just make it to the playoffs, they can basically beat anybody when they play well. Until then, have a great Christmas time…and I'll see y'all around the way. Have a great day everybody!!!

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