Thursday, September 18, 2008

In Latin She Would Be Called Babia Majora

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Big Announcement!!! No, nothing about a major move to Denver or Vegas or Sweden or anything like that. No, I didn't pick up a phone number at a local coffee shop from a lovely young lady. However, something that happens about as often…I'm reading a book. Not only that…but it's a book that isn't on a course curriculum. I am reading these combinations of words of my own free will. Big thanks to the Mad Scientist for loaning me "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk (movie comes out on nationwide theatrical release one week from today). I may have already told you the plot before…but just in case, it's about a med school dropout / sex addict who in order to pay for his elderly mother's medical care works at a Colonial American theme park and pretends to choke at restaurants…and when somebody comes to save them, they feel a connection with him…and send him money, which he sends to a hospital. So it's like perverted antihero story…and the really scary thing is that I kind of relate to the guy…on some things, not all. Anyway, I'm a little past half way…but I'd definitely recommend it. It's a lot like reading my blog…what with crazy, random, jaunted thoughts in between stories that travel through time & space…while thinking about saving people and having hot, steamy thoughts about anything & everything he comes across...only better. You've all seen "Fight Club" right? Yeah, he wrote that too.

Congratulations to stepfamily member Dr. Cobabe (real doctor) on his induction into the Intermountain Ski Hall of Fame yesterday. For those who haven't heard me ramble on about this guy, he's like my step-great-grandpa or something…and he's ninety years young…and he's just about the most amazing person that I've ever met. He's been a sheep farmer, pilot, doctor, entrepreneur, civil servant, woodsmith, elected official, town founder, built a ski resort from the ground up, business genius, father, grandfather, great-grandfather, step-great-grandfather, husband of over SEVENTY years, and he still operates backhoes and other heavy machinery with the greatest of ease. I'm sure that he's even done more than that...but that's all that I could remember off hand. Simply one of the greatest guys you could every hope to meet. I would take him & his wife (has Alzheimer's but lives every day in ignorant bliss...and the cutest lady ever) food whenever my mom would cook...and he was always appreciative. How appreciative? He gave me my Poor Man's Maybach. Why? Because he knew that I would appreciate it...and was such a nice guy. He's truly an inspiration…and I hope that he lives to be a thousand years old. Because of his induction ceremony, my mom's in town today, so we'll probably go suit shopping…then hit up a kegger or something. They say 50 is the new 20 or something like that. She'll be okay. Anyway, here's the news…

Again, Aussies Know How to Party - An Australian pub offering free drinks to women who remove their underwear and display it to patrons and staff will be investigated by alcohol licensing regulators. The Saint Hotel in Melbourne has promised a "No Undie Sundie" event over the coming weekend, where woman who remove their underwear and hang it above the bar will receive fifty Australian dollars worth of free drinks. Women who flash their bras and underwear to staff also get free drinks in a promotion that women's protection groups said was "almost an invitation to sexual assault". "On the face of it, it looks like an inappropriate liquor promotion and we will be investigating with a view to banning it," Liquor Licensing Victoria director Sue McClellan told the Herald Sun newspaper. On its website the Saint describes itself as "the home of Melbourne's fashionable set" but the pub attracted the ire of regulators in June after hiring a dwarf to pour free liquor down patrons' throats. Posters for the no undies day event showed singer Britney Spears partially exposed and exiting a car in a scene local Mayor Janet Cribbes said was "bordering on being pornographic".

First off, that's soft-core Girls Gone Wild stuff that Miss Cribbes is watching. Secondly, this is basically just taking the standard Ladies Night promotion to a new level. I admire their entrepreneurial spirit. What better way to attract male clientele than to offer free drinks to the ladies? It's been proven time and time again. Also, what's the problem with hiring a little bartender? Are the Aussie authorities discriminating against the wee people? He had a bartending license, didn't he? That's like a bar getting in trouble for hiring a bartender with a tremendous rack…or hiring a bouncer because he can bench a Buick. It's just smart business sense. People love the little people. Want people to come to your pub? Promise them little people. No different from bakeries showing pictures of moist, delicious cake to attract their target market - fat kids. Or Porsche dealerships showing beautiful women next to their cars to attract their target market - needledick pricks. It's all marketing…and it was gonna work. However, I hope that the Saint gets plenty of free publicity (and give me a kickback in free drinks when I visit there) for this investigation.

We All Remember Our First - Miguel Angel Revilla, head of the government of the northern region of Cantabria in Spain, told a television interviewer earlier this week that he had paid the first time he had sex at the age of 18. Female members of the regional parliament from the opposition conservative Popular Party were outraged. "As the head of the regional government, he should be an example for the young people of Cantabria. Instead he encourages them to pay for their first sexual experience." The 65-year old Revilla, a member of a regional party, accused his critics of hypocrisy and said they were unable to find matters of substance on which to attack him. "There are major problems which need to be addressed now, not what a poor 18-year-old did. Ninety-nine percent of Spanish men did it back then." Wow, I had no idea that Spanish women were so prudish. I'm also curious as to how the conversation during a television interview takes the turn towards how a politician popped their cherry.

It intrigues me as to how the current Presidential candidates would answer a question like that. In fact, I'm pretty sure that John McCain may have an intriguing R&R story involving a little Vietnamese by the name of Mei Tran who allegedly love him short time…and his buddies affectionately called "Tranny Mei". Joe Biden may have met his wife during spring break in the Bahamas in the 60's…but does he have a slightly embarrassing first time during his high school days in Delaware? Barack Obama spent high school days getting lei'd in Hawaii…and admitted to using marijuana, cocaine, and alcohol…so who knows what kind of story he might have for a first time? The steamy, sultry fantasies that I imagine about Sarah Palin range from being swept away by a musky lumberjack while still in her tight basketball shorts in high earning her nickname "Sarah Barracuda" in a mishap involving braces and a disappointed prom that first experimentation with a progressive blonde roommate in a white nighty during her semester at Hawaii Pacific College, involving some of the greatest times of her life, but ending in awkwardness…and thus her returning home to Idaho. WWJD? Who Would Jesus Do? Allegedly, Jesus' first time was with a lady of the evening too. I think this topic should come up in a debate…just for Schitzengiggles.

Now, I know what you're all wondering now. "$teve, how much did you pay for your first time?" Well I'm glad you asked…and f**k you, if that's what you were really thinking. I figure since I'm making bold accusations of major public figures' first sexual experiences, it's only right that I share mine with you. Don't worry, it's not going to be that saucy…and it's worth the read. You'll giggle. "That's what she said." Sssh, I'm telling the story now. I was a young twenty-four years of age. (Stop laughing) I had been going out with a sweet young lady five years my junior for about a month. We were smitten with each other. She was sweet, kooky, and gorgeous. I was charming, funny, and a surprisingly good kisser. We would sit and talk about the crazy things that we thought throughout the day, listening to Smokey Robinson's greatest hits or something, and after about…twenty seconds or so, we'd be all over each other. Well, this particular night, we decided to finish up the trip around the bases, so we made our way upstairs to my bedroom. I thought to myself, "Holy sh*t! It's finally going to happen. Hot diggity damn!" yet maintained my suave debonair exterior. "What's with the cheesy grin?" "I ugh…" Sweep in for the deep, passionate kiss…pick her up off the ground, her legs wrap around me, and I lie her down on the bed…slowly helping her undress. I guess I panicked…but I think that I covered it up pretty well.

Fast forward to a few minutes later, when we're both in the bed, in the sheets, my mouth & hands are going everywhere, kissing, licking, massaging, groping, exploring, and she's LOVIN' IT. I am too. This is some amazing stuff. In fact, I would say amaz-az-ing. She's squealing, whispering my name, restraining herself, and then would let a little squeak out and plant her head in the pillow to let it all out. "I don't care if the neighbors hear. Do what you gotta do." (Muffled in the pillow) "Uh-uh, I don't like to hear myself." (I lean in and whisper) "Well, maybe I like it…a lot." She then turns around and we're continuing the Mack fest while I'm scrambling to find a condom to start the Big Show now that she's ready (I had been for a while). Then I hear my front door open. "What the f**k? Is somebody breaking into my house? NOW? Couldn't be. There's easier ways than through the front door. Who else has a key to my place?" Then I hear something absolutely dreadful. Moments earlier, the same word brought me so much joy & child-like giddiness…but now it was the most dreaded word possible. "$teve?" Holy sh*t. What is my mom doing here? "Oh, f**k me." I was in complete shame & confusion and looked at her with appropriate facial expressions. "That was kind of the plan. Who's that?" "My mom. Oh my God, I can't believe this." She was laughing hysterically at this point…and I was thinking that I was going to DIE a virgin. "I'm so sorry." "Hehe, you're so cute. Don't be. (Kiss) I'm having fun…and we can pick up where we left off tomorrow or something. (Kiss) Now, go say hi to your mommy. (Devilishly cute smile)" "You're the best. (Kiss)" I could hear my mom downstairs saying "Uh-oh, I hear music and see a red light upstairs. I hope we're not interrupting anything." Sweet Christ, my stepdad was here too? I couldn't help but laugh to keep from crying while I got dressed and caught my would-be lover watching me…laughing at my charming awkwardness.

I walk down the stairs, glaring at the woman who gave birth to me…and my stepfather. "Hi. Good to see you. What are you doing here?" "We told you that we'd be stopping by. (She did not...but she may have dreamed it) Are you…alone?" "No. No, not at all. Thank you for asking." "Oh God, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to leave?" "YEAH!!! Kinda wish you hadn't shown up in the first place…but it's okay. Always nice to see ya…but ugh (whisper) I'm pretty sure that you couldn't have come at a worse possible time." "Sorry. Were you gettin' naked? Hehe." "Har-de-har-har." The rest of the story goes that she met my mother, we watched a movie (I forget what because I was frustrated on multiple levels) but they both had a great time…and long story short, a few nights later, we picked up where we left off…thrice…but that's not really a story that would be appropriate for this blog and it's PG-13 rating. Could not have asked for a greater situation to lose my virginity. I reminisce about her every once in a while...but I'm sure that she's off to better things. Great memories though. So there you have it, the sorta story of my First Time. Let's see Obama do better than that.

Well, that'll do it for today. Not really much more I can divulge at this time. Gonna go make me some breakfast now. Feel free to share any stories of your first time. I understand if you're not comfortable with that...but I find it really interesting. It shows that we were all awkward teenagers (or adults with retirement plans in my case) at one point. Have a great weekend everybody!!!


A.P. said...

Glad you like the book.

Oh, and those types of "moments" with the parents: they happen to the best of us (even myself... a little too frequently).

$teve said...

Now I'm about three-quarters through the book...and I'm glad that I'm not the only one that has happened to. I figured it was some kind of cliche that only happens in bad teenager coming of age movies. I mean...that was specifically WHY I moved out of my parents house a few months earlier. :)

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