Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Off to EPIC Vegas Trip

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s been a pretty slow week leading up to the Vegas Adventure. Most of the time I’ve been hanging out with the roommates, J-Mo, and event hit the town with Bubbles Friday night after work (for about 8 hours or partying) and then watching the 49ers game at Yancey’s on Sunday. Like I said last time, we’re really looking into doing a weekly meet-up to explore the city & keep in touch. I like it… and she seems to enjoy it. How can I tell? If she didn’t, it wouldn’t happen. She’s pretty easy to read that way. Oh… and speaking of football… what the f**k Eagles? The team would be 8-1 if the games were only 3 quarters long… but instead you’re 3-6. Funny note: I was watching the game yesterday… and when the Eagles kicked the field goal to go ahead 17-14 with five minutes left, I turned off the TV & went to meet up with Bubbles. Why? Because I KNEW they had just lost the f**king game & I wasn’t going to watch it. I KNEW that the Cardinals… with John “Who?” Skelton at quarterback would march right down the field & get a touchdown… and they did. Why? Because it happened four other times in the past two months. AH!!! Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. By the way, I’m thinking that one of these days, I might do one of those minute by minute updates for watching the Red Zone Channel on this blog, especially if my roommates are watching it with me. Why? We’re pretty hilarious… for example, some excerpts from this week’s would’ve included…

11:14 AM – According to Pixie, Curtis Painter has the prettiest hair in the NFL

11:38 AM – The announcer on the Red Zone Channel just said “hand job” and I spent the past minute laughing so hard that if I had any milk in my system, it would be coming out of my nose. In full context, he was recapping a one-handed catch that a receiver made on an earlier play that we didn’t get to see flipping through the channels are this show does… but he said “the previous play he caught a 27 yarder, the one-hand job” but alas, he uttered the term “hand job” on national TV. God bless Direct TV!

12:05 PM – After hearing “hand job” I’m paying more attention to terms that the announcers are using… and if I wasn’t familiar with football, they would sound really bad. Terms like “penetration”, “exploding through the gap”, “tight end”, “motion in the backfield”, and really just about anything said can be mildly twisted into a sexual innuendo. Try it.

12:13 PM – A commercial just told me that “Love is turning your truck… into a pirate ship.” That explains SO much about why I’m single… I was WAY off. Gretchen, prepare ye to become a yacht come springtime… and we shall amass a vast bounty of booty. AAARRRRR!!!

Anyway, that’s just a small dose, but there were MANY more Sunday… and trust me, you would be entertained with the eclectic mix of random sh*t that I think about when I watch TV… and that was just the morning games.

Let’s see… basketball is going… well, the usual. We refuse to learn a system & I’m having to be the only person inside the three-point line most of the time… and play every minute, which isn’t that bad… until they take me out so there are five three-point shooters out there. Look, I can shoot! Better than you guys apparently… no need to take me out, nobody’s going to block me on the arc. Ever. So yeah, still having some fun… but nobody likes losing all the time, especially when it’s because other people can’t hold onto the f**king ball & you go entire halves without touching the ball because… well, see above.

Monday night was the Softball championship… and as expected most of our great players came out so I was designated hitter, which I’m cool with. I do have a really good on base average since I’m not exactly going to crush it over the outfielders, but I’m great directional and can run pretty fast… and I have no quams about running over people… which apparently is frowned upon in San Francisco softball where it was the point of Tahoe softball. So many odd rules in this game. Anyway, back to the game, we were doing great, one or two runs each inning while shutting the other team out. We were well on our way… and then we had one bad defensive inning where they scored 6-7 runs on a few bad plays & errors… and long story short, we lost by a run, 8-7. Still, 2nd place was the best that our company had ever placed so there was a lot to be said for it… and we were still proud… but again, nobody likes losing… and the other team was at least gracious winners. They weren’t cocky pricks like the guys we beat last week. I was NOT going to lose to them. Anyway, it just gives us something to build on for next year. I’m getting my wind back playing basketball twice a week & working out 4-5 times a week. Once there’s a baseball field from the view of my bedroom then it’ll be pretty easy to get some batting practice in once in a while. I can work on my fielding a bit… and worst case, I’d make a great first baseman being a HUGE target whereas our first baseman this year was maybe five foot & no vertical, kinda bad for an amateur softball team. Anyway, that might be my way into the everyday lineup… or right fielder. If I had more practice, I’d be pretty good. Softball’s just not my first sport… or second… or really even third honestly. Maybe cracking the top 5… but, I AM an athlete… so I can do better. Next year, we’re getting that 1st place f**king trophy.

After the game, a few of us went to Goat Hill Pizza in Portrero Hill area & it’s pretty nice. It’s a low key pizza joint where you pay $10 and they bring you out all these different combinations of pizza like it’s a Brazilian steakhouse or something. They’ll bring you a pesto chicken, followed by a “piggy pie” (bacon, sausage, ham & onions), then something like a combination of pineapple, jalapeno, sausage, peppers & goat cheese or something. Usually pretty good stuff too, especially for $10 all-you-can-eat. They also have beer, so I had a Stella to wash it all down while chatting with the teammates, talking about next year, & where we all grew up and stuff too. Again, these are coworkers but not in my department, so I rarely get to see them aside from softball and other social things, but I’m also making it a resolution to get out there more & interact with other coworkers, which may actually work with business slowing in the winter but then again, if business is slow, it means I’m not doing something right… so I should probably be in my office working on that. It’s a kind of double edged sword. Damned if you do & damned if you don’t. Oh well, I still enjoy it.

A movie I saw this past week was “Priest” starring Paul Bettany, Maggie Q, Christopher Plummer & Karl Urban. It’s a comic book adaptation about… I guess an apocalyptic future / alternative universe where vampires are vicious eyeless creatures similar to werewolf bats or something… but there are these superhuman defenders called the Priests with special powers to kill them… and they basically vanquish them… but because this was after a nuclear war, all cities are giant cities surrounded by vast spaces of desert (think Judge Dredd’s Mega Cities) and everything is ran by the church (inexplicably really, but I’m sure it’s a metaphor for having faith in religion instead of faith in government or something). Anyway, there are some mysterious deaths & a kidnapping of a little girl at one of the outposts… and they think it’s vampires, so the missing girl’s uncle (Bettany) is a Priest and he goes after her against the will of the Church. From there, it’s a bunch of fighting, CGI, ridiculous physics & so on… pretty much what you would expect from a bad movie like this… but it wasn’t completely horrible, I guess. I don’t plan on seeing it again. In fact, I wouldn’t really recommend it either. It’s not even good for making fun of other than every time that I see Christopher Plummer in a movie being all old & evil… I think of “Sound of Music” and it blows the whole thing for me.

Next up was “Fast Five” starring Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne “THE ROCK” Johnson & LUDA!!! Have you seen any of the first four “Fast & Furious” movies? It’s pretty much like those… but with a bigger budget or something. Okay, at the end of number four, the gang (Diesel & Walker along with Jordana Brewster) are on the run from the law… so of course, they go to Rio de Janeiro. Seriously, if you were on the run from the law, where else would you go? Anyway, the DEA is after them (led by THE ROCK with an interesting choice in facial hair, kinda of a Fu Manchu thing) and they don’t f**k around apparently. There are also drug cartels involved, $100 million dollars in a safe, fast cars, bringing all the gang back together from the other movies, you get the idea. It’s what you expect. Again with the unrealistic physics & absurdness of EVERYTHING making it an alleged “guy’s movie” or whatever… but I can deal with a little disbelief. The entire last action scene though… just went from ridiculous… to “are you sh*tting me?” to… is it over yet? However, I was watching it with the roommates (thanks Paul Walker) and I don’t know if there’s… an intentional love story between Vin Diesel & The Rock… but it started out subtly… and then at the end of the final action sequence, there’s an interestingly worded dialogue… and then an awkwardly long stare into each other’s eyes… “I’ll see you around, Toretto” and then another awkwardly long stare… and then a quizzical look by the girl that’s supposed to be the love interest at the two of them… and then from there I just started laughing for a bit so I assume it fade wiped to the next scene. Anyway, mildly entertaining, there’s a nice 1970 Dodge Charger in it, but yeah… didn’t really care for it. Much like the others in the series that I have seen… but for what it’s worth, best of the series. Not saying much… but saying something. Also got a great idea for a movie myself from it… but you’ll just have to wait for the previews on that one.

Also, if you’re wondering why my updates are few & far between, still no internet at home & I’ve just been too busy to go to Starbucks to set up with all of the pictures more than once or twice a month… and I still haven’t even started on my backyard really. How sad is that? Oh well, perhaps my life will get into order one of these days… or maybe it is & I’m just finding less time for blogs & such… but I’ll try, because I like to share my thoughts with the few of you that actually read this.

Well, I’d better head off for Vegas. Jackie D arrived yesterday… a Tuesday… and has already partied with DJ Pauly D of “The Jersey Shore” and Three 6 Mafia. I may be in WAY over my head with the amount of ballin’ that’s about to go on… but hey, I’m a great swimmer. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Man Eating Super Snake

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The past few days haven’t been very eventful per se. I hung out with the roommates and watched TV a few nights, basketball season started for my work team & I’ve already been nicknamed $tevie Franchise because of my play our first game (we lost, but I did pretty damn good), started working on the backyard a bit… but that’s about it. It started getting really cold overnight too… but only by Bay Area standards, not Tahoe. Oh… Thursday night, I was flipping through the channels with the roommates and their friends… and we came across “Man Eating Super Snake” on Animal Planet… about African rock pythons in Florida… and how they may crossbreed with Burmese pythons to form a super snake. The intro stated that… and the roommates were instantly enthralled, so to save time, I brought them up to speed on $teve’s Apocalypse theory and mentioned a few things from my blog… and they seemed skeptical… until the show backed up just about everything I said… and then went a step further to add dramatizations of the stories I told about kids getting snatched up. Oh yeah… they watched the entire show. My message is spreading now… but more updates on that later.

My weekend was a little rainy so we didn’t get to fixing up the backyard… which probably worked out because Nurse’s family was in town. I got to hang with them a bit & they were a lot of fun. We also watched “Crazy Stupid Love” starring Steve Carell, Julianne Moore, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Kevin Bacon, & the ageless Marisa Tomei. It’s a romantic comedy about love & how crazy & stupid it is. More specific? Okay, a man (Carell) & wife (Moore) are getting a divorce, because she’s having an affair with a coworker (Bacon). He goes to a bar & meets this playa (Gosling) who teaches him that he just needs to dress nicer & have confidence to get back on the horse of dating. Meanwhile there’s the subplot with their 13 year old son & his hot 17 year old babysitter. You know what, just go watch the movie. It’s pretty good for a romantic comedy. I’d watch it again… but certainly not alone. That’s just dumb. A man who watches a romantic comedy by himself is a sad creature. By the way, please don’t read back on past entries to see if I’ve watched romantic comedies by myself… because I’m pretty sure I have… but I do it for you guys, so it’s okay, right? Right. Next…

I also had brunch with Bubbles at The Magic Flute, which was rated as the best brunch in San Francisco… and that’s quite a statement. The food was pretty good, we shared the salmon & hunter’s scrambles and crostini for appetizers. I highly recommend the place… but of course the reason for going there was to catch up on going-ons. We’ve basically decided that we’re going to try to set up Wednesday nights as a weekly occurrence when we meet up, go to a restaurant in different neighborhoods each week, catch up on gossip, make each other laugh a bit, have a drink or two, repeat next week. I like the idea. As to whether it’ll happen consistently we shall see… but I’m optimistic. I’m always down for trying new things… and it really helps when you have somebody to adventure with.

Monday night was softball night… and it wasn’t pretty. We were down 5-1 in the 5th and the other team, how do I put this? They weren’t the most sporting of opponents. They certainly weren’t the ladies & gentlemen that we were. There was some real sh*t talking and yes, even profanity from time to time. We won’t stand for that. Long story short, we rallied and won yet again, so next week is the championship. Thankfully I haven’t been playing much (because softball’s not my thang & I don’t want to be the weak link out there) but I’ve been a fantastic cheerleader (especially in the direction of the other team when we were rallying back… nothing bad, just REALLY loud). Afterwards, we went to Park 77 again and had some pizza & beers. This is always a good time for me to get to know my coworkers because frankly, I’m locked in the basement most of the day & don’t get to get out & see everybody… but it’s always good when I do. Let my personality shine, get to know each other… and frankly, most of the ladies that I work with… smokin’ hot. I know the phrase “Don’t sh*t where you eat” comes in to play… and that phrase always confused me because I don’t know what kind of fecophile stuff you’ve got going on in your bedroom… but still, great fun & great eye candy. Now the basketball team just needs more ladies…

Barbie Update – Speaking of things that I’ve predicted years ago coming to fruition, allow me to tell you a story. Back in high school, my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas… and being a fairly independent soul, I said nothing but your Love… and maybe some new pants. Being the greatest mother ever, she insisted on more to add to the list… so in a fit of silliness, I said “I want a Gangsta B**ch Barbie” and then went on to describe that it was a very rare item, not unlike Tickle My Pickle Elmo & wished her luck in finding it. Well, a few months later, I opened a package to find… a custom made Gangsta B**ch Barbie… complete with tattoos, mini skirt, high heels, doo rag over blonde cornrows, a joint in her mouth & a gat in her purse. It was basically the greatest gift ever for a 16 year old straight boy, as you might imagine. Thanks mom! Remember this was 1997, so these views of women were very different from what they are today. Well, I guess I’m just ahead of my time… because now, there’s a new Barbie. But with pink hair and tattoos across her shoulders and neck, U.S. toymaker Mattel's latest collector's edition Barbie doll could be compared more to the edgy female heroine of “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” than to the more traditional Barbies. Since its release earlier this month online, the $50 (31 pound) limited edition doll designed by Los Angeles-based fashion company tokidoki and aimed at adult collectors, has sold out but not before causing controversy. "Is the New 'Tokidoki' Tattoo Barbie Inappropriate for Children?" the magazine U.S. News & World Report asked in a recent headline. Some parents in the United States also questioned whether the toy company that launched the original Barbie in 1959 should be promoting body art. "It's teaching kids to want tattoos before they are old enough to dress like that," Kevin Buckner, of Virginia, told a local television station. No one was available from Mattel to comment on the issue but not all the feedback has been negative. Some adults said the doll reflected modern fashion and pop culture (and of course $teve IS pop culture). "Have you seen Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry, Rihanna?" Candace Caswell, a 30-year-old mother from New York asked in an email interview, adding that the pop stars have tattoos and wear wigs and crazy clothes. "They are capturing a snapshot of pop culture the way it really is. Barbie is not raising my daughter. I am," she added… I’m assuming while giving “the look” to her computer screen while typing. For Heather Gately Stoll, of Colorado, tattoos are not the issue. "What is inappropriate for kids are her measurements," she said about the shapely doll. "If she can change personalities why can't she change her shape and size?" And while New York mother Sue Dennis would not spend $50 on the doll, she is not offended by it. "I have a 16 month-old son and the tokidoki Barbie is more the diverse image of women I would like to present to him versus more traditional ones," she said. The tokidoki Barbie is not the first to sport tattoos. In 2009, some stores pulled Mattel's Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie following complaints, and a year earlier Mattel collaborated with motorcycle manufacturer Harley Davidson to produce a Barbie with wings tattooed on her back. Production of tattooed Butterfly Art Barbie was halted in 1999 after parents voiced their concerns. Gayatri Bhalla, 41, of Washington D.C, who writes a blog about experiences for tween girls, sees it as a marketing issue. "On the one hand, the company likes to hold Barbie up as the iconic American toy for girls and use her to promote things that most parents wouldn't object to, such as Take Your Daughter To Work Day," she said. "But they also create Barbie in images that a lot of parents wouldn't choose to hold up as a role model for their young daughters, and a full-body tattooed doll falls into this camp." Check it out, I’ve got a solution. If you don’t like it, don’t f**king buy it. Go buy some of those stupid Bratz that are obviously teaching great values about shopping & makeup… or buy a baby that wets itself so that you can teach your daughter to be a teenage mother. Seriously, who cares? I do. Why? Because I was right. It’s not quite Gangsta B**ch Barbie… but you’re never going to get a name like that past the board. Perhaps… Fallen on Hard Times Barbie or… Urban Beauty Barbie … or my personal favorite, BWA (Barbie With Attitude). Keep an eye out for that one… crack baby sold separately.

Carmen Sandiego MOVIE? – Fresh off trying to pick up on a beautiful Carmen Sandiego this weekend, I get some pretty good news. Walden Media has picked up the live-action film rights to the classic educational game series turned animated show "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" reports Deadline. An official synopsis is already out: "When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero?" Sounds kick ass, right? Well, there’s a twist. Walden plans to turn the property into a feature starring Jennifer Lopez as the title character, though at present J-Lo is attached to produce only alongside Benny Medina, Simon Fields, Nick Osbourne, Trevor Engelson and Devin Andre. The tone is said to be akin to "National Treasure" meets "The Thomas Crown Affair". Disney previously optioned the film rights to the property in the late 1990s and developed a version for Sandra Bullock, but that version never took off (thank God). In short, good news that Carmen may be hitting a big screen near you… and probably a few sequels. Bad news that it may be J-Lo playing her.

Now… for how $teve would turn this into a billion dollar grossing movie. I love the premise. Not making it too kiddy even though it’s based on an educational game & I think the National Treasure movies are PG, right? I’d go PG-13 because… is Carmen even on TV anymore? Anyway, solid PG-13. Switch it up so that Angelina Jolie is Carmen Sandiego… or if she won’t do it, go with Eva Mendes… or check this twist, don’t even reveal her face until near the end. How? “These are the last photos we have… but she may have had extensive plastic surgery since these were taken months ago…” Done. You know what, scrap that. Angelina… and her former partner who has to track her down? No, not Brad Pitt, that’s too easy… but there may have to be a romantic past involved… but I’m thinking a younger protégé kind of dynamic… so let’s go with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (you’re welcome) or Ryan Gosling or something, I don’t know. Whatever puts asses in seats nowadays. Anyway, story goes on… follow the clues… exotic locations… trivial knowledge… uncover the conspiracy… maybe she’s not a villain… and then the truth is revealed… she was trying to bring down a mysterious & elusive international kingpin of legendary status, with whom she is also romantically linked. How is this kingpin? Code name: Waldo… played of course by the remarkably talented acting debut of yours truly… and yes, I could totally pull off the Waldo as a suave Bond-like villain… even in candy cane striped silk from head to toe. You’re welcome, Hollywood!!! Though you’ll probably make it with J-Lo & Justin Bieber or something. Speaking of which…

Canadian Bieber in Jeopardy? – Teenager pop sensation Justin Bieber has denied allegations he fathered a child in a backstage bathroom and says he has never met the woman who filed the paternity suit against him. "To set the record straight, none of it is true," the teen heartthrob declared Friday during a brief appearance on NBC's "Today" show. As mobs of fans screamed adoringly in Rockefeller Plaza, Bieber called it "crazy" that anyone would make up such a story. "I know I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim," Bieber told "Today" host Matt Lauer. "It's crazy, because every night after the show I've gone right from the stage right to my car. So it's crazy that some people want to make up such false allegations." Okay, I’m stepping in right here… and if this is true… I know there have been other rumors out there that Mr. Bieber prefers the company of… let’s say non-females. If he’s an international superstar… with millions of adoring & willing fans… and all he’s doing is going straight from his show to his car… I’m thinking that he & the Jonas Brothers are either full of sh*t or not living up to their potential. Regardless, I’m getting away from the subject at hand. The paternity suit was filed in San Diego Superior Court by Mariah Yeater earlier this week. She had just turned 19 when she says she and Bieber, then 16, had a brief sexual encounter after one of the singer's concerts last fall at Los Angeles' Staples Center… and for some reason, she alleges that it was in a backstage bathroom as opposed to, I don’t know, a dressing room or limo or hotel suite or anything else. Interesting. She said she gave birth to a boy in July and believes Bieber is the father because there were no other possible men she had sex with at that time. That is… unless she was drunk & just banged a guy who looked like or said that he was Justin Bieber… but who would do such a thing? Answer: Somebody who looks like Justin Bieber to a drunk 19-year old. Asked if he knows Yeater, Bieber told Lauer, "Never met the woman." Yeater is asking a judge for child support and a paternity test. A hearing is scheduled for Dec 15th. Her lawyer has described her as a stay-at-home mother who is looking for adequate child support if a paternity test determines Bieber is the father. Meanwhile, in an obvious twist to this whole situation, Los Angeles police have said Yeater could be investigated for having had sex with a minor. It's illegal in California to have sex with someone under age 18. If the other person is not more than three years older, it is a misdemeanor, which carries up to a one-year jail sentence. Along with knocking down rumors, Bieber's appearance was apparently timed to the release of a Christmas album. "It's hard to record a Christmas album in September," he said. Do I really need to start a conspiracy about the timing of these allegations? No? Good, because that’s not what’s important here. What IS important… you know what, I have no idea what it even is. Is Justin a baby daddy? Unlikely, but possible. Is the baby mama lying? Likely… but short of a spot on Maury Povich, I don’t see this playing out much further. Why does anybody care about Justin Bieber? That’s the real mystery.

Canadian Beaver in Jeopardy? – You have to love politicians. Instead of doing real work, a Canadian senator has launched a campaign to replace the industrious beaver with the indomitable polar bear as Canada's national emblem, saying the incumbent is "a dentally defective rat." Conservative Senator Nicole Eaton delivered her damning criticism in the Senate last week, noting that the beavers wreak havoc on the dock at her waterfront cottage every summer. Now, for the moment, just forget that some spoiled b**ch is complaining about something at her waterfront summer cottage & listen to her argument. "A country's symbols are not constant and can change over time. The polar bear, with its strength, courage, resourcefulness and dignity is perfect for the part." My counterpoint: If polar bears were so resourceful, don’t you think they’d have built a new place to live since we’ve destroyed their ice caps. Check. And. Mate. The beaver became Canada's only official national animal in 1975. Why? Trade in the beaver pelts, used to make fashionable fur hats, drove European expansion in North America in the 1600s and early 1700s. So it’s only fitting that some 300 years later, the animals are honored for their sacrificed skins for the better benefit of the nation. Much like we would do for the mighty buffalo if eagles weren’t so f**king cool & Americans invented flight (THAT’S WRIGHT, I SAID IT!!!). Eaton said the ever-busy dambuilders are now nuisance, but avoided mentioning another gnawing problem with the emblem: In modern times, its name is slang for female genitals (GASP!!! Since when?). Last year The Beaver, one of Canada's oldest magazines, re-christened itself Canada's History, complaining that its emails and newsletters were being blocked by internet filters. The magazine said market research showed younger Canadians and women were not interested in buying the publication because of its name (“No, seriously. I do read it for the articles… there’s a great one about the founding of Montreal. Will you PLEASE just LOOK AT IT?”). As for Eaton's proposed replacement, Keith Stewart, a climate change campaigner with Greenpeace Canada, was skeptical. "You have a Conservative senator proposing to replace the beaver with the polar bear as the symbol of Canada, yet her government's climate policy would appear to do everything possible to wipe our polar bears by the end of the century," he said. Stewart said the debate was a distraction… but he was too late… because I had already pointed that out earlier this paragraph. So what do you think? Should Canada change its national animal from a hard-working & resilient (as well as tight-fitting) beaver… to a homeless minority of the bear community? That’s what I thought. Now for some real animal news that threatens all of those around you…

Apocalypse Update: Utah – With just over a year until the foretold end of the Mayan calendar, I bring you a trilogy of updates in the Apocalyptic future of the world. For more, feel free to refer to these other entries from years past. You’re welcome. Now, they’re going straight for my hometown. Four young rattlesnakes found in the span of a week in a building at Weber State University have officials scaling back operations until it's deemed safe for workers to return. The Receiving and Distribution Center — in the foothills of the great city of Ogden, birthplace of the awesomeness that is $teve — houses printing operations and mail services and is not frequented by students, said campus spokesman John Kowalewski. A young rattlesnake found at Weber State University's campus is among four found in the span of a week. WSU officials are taking precautions. Still, workers who stumbled upon the young rattlers last week are unnerved and questioning if more of the reptiles may have found their way inside the building. "At first, I thought it was a fake," said mail center employee Brad Colby, describing his Oct. 24 encounter with one. "Then it moved and I was dumbfounded." The foot-long snake was on a landing at the top of the stairs in the building, which had some doors propped open because of the unseasonably warm daytime temperatures last week, he said. By the way, snowing there now. That’s Utah weather for ya. Colby said he thought it may have been a garter snake, but when it coiled up in a corner, a co-worker told him it was a rattler. "I just hate snakes," he said, probably in an effeminate voice. "I didn't care what it was." Colby's discovery was the second of its type, with two more snakes found in the days to follow. Kowalewski said three of the snakes were safely captured and removed, while a fourth was killed… I’m sure it was self defense. A reptile expert was on campus Wednesday afternoon to determine if any more snakes remain and to assist campus officials in preventing a possible return. "What we have discovered quickly is that we are not experts on reptiles or rattlesnakes," Kowalewski said. Mail service employees were sent home early Wednesday and only a few printing press operators remain to finish up a job (aka the MEN!!!). Weber State, he added, will wait for the all-clear before employees return. "First and foremost we are concerned about the safety and health of our employees in that building," he said. Arlo Wing, a wildlife specialist with the state Division of Wildlife Resources, points out that rattlesnakes are a protected and misunderstood species and if all possible, appropriate agencies should be contacted for a safe removal. "They do a lot of good for the environment. We do recognize there can be conflicts with public safety, but their benefits outweigh a lot of the negative connotations that many people have about them." What does that mean? Now the snakes have human conspirators assisting them. Misunderstood? Good for the environment? Who the f**k does this guy think he is fooling? Anyway, back to the story. It's likely that changing temperatures are among the factors contributing to the rattlesnake issue on campus, added another division employee. "It's not surprising to me at all that there would be rattlesnakes there," said Phil Douglass, pointing to the building's location next to the mountains. "You get them even further down in town." Douglass, the state's conservation outreach manager, said they may also be looking for a suitable place to bunk down for the winter. Once snakes pick a place, they can be hard tenants to evict, he said. "Telling a snake where to go is a little bit like sweeping the tide back with a broom. They are going to be where they are going to be." Yup… and they’ve decided that Earth is where they’re going to be… ALL OF IT!!! Sure, now it’s just a few of our homes, maybe the occasional post office or police station is under direst, not a big deal, right? We’re human beings! We have whole armies that we can finance to protect those of us who aren’t willing to fight… even from nature itself. Oh really?

Apocalypse Update: Spain - Most of us dread visiting a cash machine at one time or another. It’s usually a hassle, homeless people & charities camp out there guilting you into donations, maybe you’re just broke & don’t want anybody to know about it, and we’re all just kind of waiting for the day that we can download cash to our phones. But instead of being shocked by the state of his bank balance, one customer in Spain was surprised to be dispensed a vicious snake along with his cash. The middle-aged man had stopped at the ATM to pick up some quick cash… and BAM!!! Snake attack!!! The video on the link shows a police officer taunting the snake with his baton. Eventually the manager was able to free the snake by activating the machine from the inside. It was then put into a box and taken to a shelter… where if they were smart, they tortured it to find out the locations of other insurgent serpents & their BIG plans for world domination. Police have not ruled out the possibility that someone may have put the reptile in the cash machine for a prank. However, as the ATM is in a rural area it is feasible the snake got there on its own accord. Chil’ please! You & I both know this was a blatant attack. Forget Class Warfare! These power-hungry pythons are going straight to Phylum Warfare! (Tehehe, sometimes I think I’m the only one who loves my nerdy science jokes) Anything with arms or legs, attack! They’re also trying to cut off our money supply… so that we can no longer finance our armies. My gods, these bastardly boas are clever! The moral of the story… never leave your house without your machete. Why? I’d rather you had it & not need it… then for you to need it & not have one. Stopping by 7-Eleven after work to grab a steak & pepper jack taquito, grab some cash for the weekend, then SURPRISE!!! African rock python tries to turn you into a Big Gulp. “There’s too many mutha f**kin’ snakes in my mutha f**kin’ convenience store!” A single swing sends the surprising serpent’s scaly skull spiraling skyward. That’s decapitation AND alliteration, Holmes! Anyway, no need to thank me, just pay it forward. Added bonus to the machete, you ALWAYS get a seat on the bus. “Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?” “F**k no! Take the whole bench, this is my stop.”

That will do it for today. Hopefully we get the internet soon so that I can get these things out more regularly. Lots of pictures with the Vegas trip looming & hopefully by the time you’re reading this, you’ve seen the Halloween pics from the past few years. Have a great night everybody!!!

Halloween 2011 - San Francisco

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… I was wondering the other day what the hell I was going to do for Halloween this year. I had just found out about a nice website where I got $30 lower bowl tickets to the Browns – 49ers game on Sunday the 30th. I had decided that unless there are unforeseen circumstances, I was just going to dress up as Waldo again this year (last year’s New Orleans Halloween post coming soon now that I have pictures) because I’m incredibly lazy. Now I just had to find out where friends & lovely singles were going. In this path, I went online… to one of my favorite sites, SF Funcheap, where you can find lots of fun and/or cheap things to do in the City. Well… that’s when I found… a Where’s Waldo Flashmob Bar Crawl on Saturday night, October 29th not too far from my house. F**king SOLD!!! I’ve already got the outfit. I’ll still stand out because… I’m f**king HUGE!!! It’s a pub crawl. Photo opportunities abound. My fortune cookie the other day told me I would “find somebody special at a social event” so I guess that means that I may find a Wenda or two there. Sounds good to me. Also, I found out that Halloween night (Monday this year) at Yoshi’s is a pretty nice concert / party with a $5 cover charge so I may have to hit that up too. Probably won’t do that one alone though. We’ll see how I feel after work.

Friday night, I went to Café Prague after work for a little happy hour & to celebrate the Independence Day for Czechoslovakia back in 1918. Obviously it’s changed hands a few times since then… but that was the reason for the celebration. Much like St Patrick’s Day is a reason for get drunk for Ireland. Or Halloween is a reason to dress comically or sexy in honor of Lord Satan or tricking ghosts or something. Or Columbus Day is a reason to celebrate the genocide of indigenous peoples by a three-day weekend with wholesale savings on furniture & kitchen appliances. What was my point? Oh yeah, Café Prague was a pretty nice place. Great beer, great food, only stayed for an hour or so but highly recommend it & sure I’ll be back there for a happy hour when it’s not so crazy (on top of celebration, it was Game 7 of the World Series… and the Cardinals won).

After that, I went to the apartment… and my roommates had just started a Terminator marathon… so for the next 5-6 hours we watched the extended versions of the first two movies… and it was pretty awesome. Oh why were we watching them? Well, my roommate Pixie was dressing up as Sexy John Connor (though she really liked Terminator’s first jacket) and her friend was dressing as Sexy John’s Stepmom from T2 with the sword arm. Clever, right? Apparently it wasn’t to be though as after getting dressed up, they decided to hang at the apartment. Good for them. Another roommate dressed as Sexy Batwoman (though I didn’t get to see it yet) & Nurse dressed as Sexy Nurse… but she does that just about every night. She didn’t go out & party this weekend for whatever reason… mostly being on call… but they got the night off last minute. Oh… and how did I dress for Halloween?

But you knew that already… so I went by myself to the steps of City Hall in San Francisco to meet up for the Where’s Waldo Flashmob Pub Crawl. While waiting, I met a bunch of people dressed as Waldo & before the night was through, I pretty much introduced myself to everybody & chatted with them for a bit. We went to several bars on Sutter Street including Fly, R Bar, Ace & Trinity. Each had their own distinct style whether classy lounge, dance club, basic neighborhood bar, etc & we thoroughly enjoyed each as far as I knew. Here are some pictures though…

And yes, I did hit on Carmen Sandiego yet again this year. I don’t understand it. She & Waldo are both seen in some of the most exotic locations in the world (and through time & space as well) yet I don’t think they’ve ever been seen together. Seriously, they should just hook up & have tall, sexy, inconspicuous & devilishly clever children already. If it worked for Batman & Wonder Woman (to produce me) then it could work for them. Then again, Batman & Wonder Woman also gave birth to my brother… who is questionable at best. Anyway, what’s my point? Sigh… oh yeah, I wanna f**k Carmen Sandiego. Something about that Latin-Irish woman in red just… giggidy! Headed back home a little after midnight to catch the bus back & ran into a guy & two lovely ladies from Switzerland at the bus stop, so we spoke a little German, a little surprised they could understand me with how much I had to drink & how long it had been since I spoke German… but hey, they seemed to get the jist. They’re in town on business (probably spy stuff) and weren’t dressed up. Shocker alert! Halloween isn’t a big thing in Switzerland. Oh well, the ladies seemed impressed by my German too (and curious outfit) but they didn’t let me giggidy their geschmoiggities so… I went home & hung out with Nurse for a bit watching Law & Order before heading to bed. (buh buh… that’s a scene transition from Law & Order)

Sunday, I watched a little football then went to the 49ers – Browns game, which was pretty good though really complete domination by 49ers more than the 20-10 final would indicate. The Niners are 6-1 & the second best record in the NFL. Who knew? After that, I went to play a basketball game… and get this, you know how we haven’t won a game like… ever. Well, I asked a buddy of mine from the YMCA to play with us (he also lives two doors down in the same apartment as Joy, remember her?) and we had all of our people show up… and we set a strategy to run & gun since we had 8 people instead of just five… and guess what? We were up 46-4 at the half. Yeah… see what happens when you have a half-ass team with a half-ass strategy… and of course, me at center. WHAT? We ended up winning by over 50 because I sat most of the 2nd half & we were just running out the clock mostly so nobody would get hurt or offended but yeah, good times now that we have a real team.

Monday, Nurse & I went to Home Depot to get some things for the backyard. I guess we’ll be starting that project this weekend. Right now it’s just the redwood bark chips for covering the ground once I level it out and a few brick separators for the garden area. However, it’s a good foundation for the area… and from there, anybody can just get the potted plants or flowers or whatever and add them as desired… or cheap patio furniture… or if we decide to do a firepit, we can add that easily. Once the groundwork is set, the rest is pretty cake. We filled up Gretchen with 20 cubic feet of bark chips on top of all the other stuff. She’s amazing. We celebrated by grabbing In-n-Out Burger on the way home. Good times. In other news…

Detroit Lions are HOT!!! – Everybody in football is surprised at the NFL’s Detroit Lions. The team has won… nothing… ever. Well, okay, I think they might’ve won something back in the 40’s but think they’ve won one playoff game in the Super Bowl Era, nearly half a century… and haven’t made the playoffs since Barry Sanders was playing. Remember him? Well, this year they started 5-0 for the first time since 1980 (before I was born) and there may be a little secret weapon that they have… but as with everything in Detroit, the police are involved. Police may put the brakes on a party bus that was apparently operating as a Sunday strip club for reveling Lions fans at a popular tailgating spot in Detroit. Investigators believe fans tailgating before a recent Lions home game were allowed onboard the "Booty Lounge," a large red and black bus replete with two stages, steel dancing poles, tinted windows and even a smoke machine, after forking over a $10 donation to its operators, Detroit Police spokeswoman Eren Stephens said Thursday. That’s right… TEN BUCKS!!! What a value!!! She said the department's chief, Ralph Godbee, thinks the arrangement is illegal, but that the department won't take action until it completes its investigation. "We know the game is coming up and ... we're looking into this whole operation," Stephens said. Police began investigating after WDIV-TV broadcast a story about the bus this week. The station reported that the bus was parked next to Detroit's Eastern Market, which is a popular tailgating spot that is about a half-mile from Ford Field, where the Lions play. The bus operators, who didn't respond to email and phone requests seeking comment, say on their Facebook page that the bus can be hired for private parties and is available with or without "ladys," adding that "our opinion is that is a lot more fun with em!" They say they take the bus to "numerous events" each year, and they invite the public to "pay a visit." A Facebook posting from this spring suggests they charged $20 for a Detroit Tigers opening-day tailgate that included food and drinks. Again, GREAT value!!! David Draper, an attorney who represents more than a dozen strip clubs in Michigan but who does not represent the bus operators, said such establishments require a special license from the city. Still, bus operators might argue that movable venues are exempt and more akin to a "one-off" event such as a bachelor party at a hotel. "The argument from the city is going to be, 'absolutely not — you're just trying to skirt the issue by going mobile,'" Draper said. Detroit Lions spokesman Bill Keenist said the team won't comment on the bus matter. Photos have emerged that purportedly show two uniformed Detroit police officers posing with a woman believed to be part of the operation. Hell yeah!!! Stephens said those photos are up to four years old, and Godbee told the Detroit Free Press he's not passing judgment until the department completes its investigation. My opinion… other teams need to get on this bus idea.

Rihanna is a Robot – It’s been my belief for years… and still is… that pop star Rihanna is a robot in the same way as SimOne. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, Netflix it. An interesting tidbit about the hip-hop cyborg happened last month. Northern Ireland farmer Alan Graham says he doesn't know who Rihanna is but she must keep her top on while performing on his land. Graham says he enforced a dress code as he watched Rihanna shoot a video last month in his wheat field in Bangor, east of Belfast, for her new single, "We Found Love." She also performed three concerts in Northern Ireland while there. The 23-year-old switched from a flannel checked shirt into a stars-and-stripes bikini, a red bra, a mesh black top, and finally went topless before Graham climbed off his tractor to protest. Really? "The state of undress was becoming inappropriate," Graham says. "I had a conversation with Rihanna. I hope she understands where I'm coming from. We shook hands." Mmm… yes… a good firm handshake will certainly do the trick. Anyway, hordes of locals gathered to watch the pop star film the video too. So yeah, it’s interesting that a farmer would have a problem with a wee bit o’ nudity… but it’s his right. That goes to show right there… how do you get to see some pop star neeps & tatties? Own Land.

Lindsay Update – So Lindsay Lohan’s been in trouble… and she got her probation upgraded to community service. Then she had to go & show up late her first day… so her arrival at the morgue for community service on day two became a big media spectacle for some reason. News helicopters hovered over the coroner's facilities and cameras greeted her black sport utility vehicle when Lohan reported for duty, one day after officials turned her away for being 40 minutes late to an orientation session. Assistant Chief Coroner Ed Winter said Lohan arrived "real early" last Friday, completed her orientation and was put to work before 8 a.m. She had been ordered to report at the coroner's facilities at 7 a.m., but Lohan's publicist, Steve Honig, wrote in an email that the actress had been outside for more than an hour before it opened. Lohan must complete 16 hours of custodial work at the morgue before a November 2nd court hearing (she made it). She will be expected to mop floors, clean and stock bathrooms, and wash dirty sheets, coroner's officials have said. Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner revoked Lohan's probation during a contentious court hearing Wednesday after the judge learned the "Mean Girls" star had been fired from doing community service at a women's shelter. Then again, do you REALLY want Lindsay giving help and/or advice to women in need? I’d keep her cleaning up after dead people too… and we used to be tight. Anyway, Sautner ordered Lohan to complete 360 hours at the center and 120 hours at the morgue in April as punishment for taking a $2,500 necklace without permission (it’s called theft where I come from). Lohan later pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge related to the necklace and served 35 days on house arrest. It is Lohan's second time doing service at the morgue — she initially completed a program there after a pair of drunken driving arrests in 2007. She has consistently struggled with completing the terms of her sentence. However, she’s also lined up a new gig - as a Playboy girl. LiLo is posing for Hugh Hefner's Playboy magazine, a source told Access Hollywood. The source told Access Lohan is disrobing for the spread, which is being shot this week in LA. When contacted by Access, a rep for the actress said, "I cannot confirm at this time." A spokesperson for Playboy also had no comment on the report. According to TMZ, Playboy reportedly offered the actress $750,000 to strip down. SOLD!!! Oh wait, play it tough. (clear throat) However, she countered, asking for a million dollar payday. While the magazine would not cough up $1 million, they did reportedly come up from their original offer, which was enough to get the deal done ($750,001?). So they can neither confirm nor deny anything… so chances are you’ll be seeing LiLo’s Huhu before too long… and for half of Hollywood, you’ll be seeing it again. I blame her parents… and the Media… and Hollywood… and alcohol… and drugs… and her… and me… and you… and Herbie the love bug… at all had a part to play I’m sure. Then again, as mentioned in my roommates’ Terminator marathon the other night, there’s no fate but what we make for ourselves. Ah to be a soldier from the future sent back through time to save Lindsay’s future… and yeah, I’d probably impregnate her in the Tiki Motel & our son would lead the revolution… but more importantly she wouldn’t be snort coke of a bathroom countertop at Tech Noir on Peco. What? The new Playboy’s out? Excuse me…

Wait, before I do that, thanks for reading… and I guess I’ll see ya soon. We’re getting internet again. YAAAAY!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

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