Saturday, January 31, 2009

Dreamin' with the Dr Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Work yesterday was a little busy…but no biggie. I like it when it's busy. That means that money's being made (usually) and some of that will trickle down to me…in theory. Also, I was in charge of a presentation during our morning meeting…and we're trying to spice them up a bit, so in past ones this week, people have asked the table to mention ways they're saving money in these troubling economic times or ideas for more productivity or to save on energy costs by recycling and stuff like that. Well, I didn't have any new thing to bring to the conversation…so I said, "Okay, when we go around the table today, why don't we (frantically try to come up with something…and then noticing our list of New Year's Resolutions behind the crowd) being the last day of the first month of 2009, give a little update on our Resolutions…and…just to get to know each other, say what our dream job was when we were kids. For example, I have yet to begin my resolution to learn Spanish & Mandarin…but when I was a kid, I wanted to be a professional basketball player AND a paleontologist in the offseason…because I am (not was) a dinosaur geek."

Their dream jobs were everything from a few aspiring astronauts to dolphin trainers to chefs to doctors & lawyers to pro hockey players to FBI agents…and yet we all somehow came together to be working at a job that…a little sorry to say, has absolutely NOTHING to do with ANY of those jobs. What happened? How did they get from there to here? These are the kinds of things that fascinate me…all the time. Everybody has a cool story, whether they think it's interesting or not. Anyway, I just thought that I'd share that with you. What did you want to be when you were a kid? I may have asked this before…but I don't recall a lot of responses. Here's some news…speaking of dreams...

Dreams - According to a British researcher, when it comes to dreams, women have more nightmares than men…and men have more dreams about sex. Shocking!!! Psychologist Jennie Parker of the University of the West of England asked 100 women and 93 men (probably 100 men originally but she disregarded the 7 that made a bad Back to the Future joke, brownie points if you know why) between the ages of 18 and 25 to fill out dream diaries, priming participants before dreams occurred to record them. The research was part of her doctoral dissertation. "My most significant finding is that women in general do experience more nightmares than men. An early study into dreams led to my discovering that normative research procedures into dream research often considered the structure of dreams, but that there is a gaping hole in terms of academic study that investigates emotional significance in the analysis of dreams." Women's nightmares can be broadly divided into three categories: fearful dreams (being chased or life threatened), losing a loved one or confused dreams. Parker corroborated participants' dreams with actual life experiences and found that the anxieties about past occurrences reoccur many times as "emblem" dreams. "It is these emblem dreams that are particularly significant. If women are asked to report the most significant dream they ever had, they are more likely than men to report a very disturbing nightmare. Women reported more nightmares and their nightmares were more emotionally intense than men's."

Men's dreams contained more references to sexual activity, Parker said, and men reported more actual intercourse, while women reported more kissing and sexual fantasies about other dream characters. Women's dreams also were found to contain more family members, more negative emotion, more indoor settings and less physical aggression than men's dreams. Men made more references to attacks, or serious threat, but reported fewer verbally aggressive or covert acts of aggression. Men's and women's friendly behavior in dreams was the same; most often they reported helping other dream characters. A lecture by former UWE researcher Susan Blackmore gave Parker a moment of epiphany that inspired her to examine more closely the stuff that dreams are made of, she said. "My own nightmares had two reoccurring themes, one concerned standing on the beach at Weston Super Mare, my home town, when the tide suddenly goes out very fast and returns as a huge tidal wave that is about to engulf me. The other dream includes a dinosaur roaming the streets at night and looking in at my window. I wondered if my experience was common amongst women." My guess would be a lot of women in the Tsunami area…and anybody who has ever seen the Jurassic Park II: Lost World (horrible, horrible dinosaur movie…and it takes a lot for me to say that).

Based on my own limited research into the subject, I have to concur. Granted, I've slept with a limited number of women in my time…but they both (stop laughing) suffered from nightmares…and usually interrupted pretty good dreams that I was having at the time and wanted to show them in the morning…but yeah, I think Ms. Parker's right on with her hypothesis. Now, to find out why that is the case. First off, most guys wouldn't admit to having nightmares. Ever. So that may be a flaw in the study statistics a little bit…but as far as the background behind the reasons why, I blame gender roles and conditioning. Guys are taught that whenever something bad happens, you basically fix it or push it away…or out of mind. Focus on the good. Girls, from what I understand, not so much. They're much more emotional…and have great memories…and that can be a problem when you have horrible experiences in your life…or perceived horrible experiences…like watching scary movies as a kid or something like that…and it tends to stick with ya and hit you at your most vulnerable…when you're sleeping. (Sorry if that creeps you out a little bit…but it's true for all of us). That's when Freddy Kruger strikes…or your phobias & concerns for the future are racing around in your head…and you don't have that filter of Logic so it's all just a whirlwind of fear and reliving horrible moments in our life and it's just horrible. We've all been there…and what bugs me the most about these ladies having the nightmares…is there's really not much I can do to help them other than give her a hug and a kiss and let her know that I'm there for her…to protect her, talk about it if she wants, get her a glass of water, try to replace her fear with physical pleasure, whatever it takes…but what do I know of the mysteries of the mind? What do any of us really know? It's weird and fantastic. Anyway, just thought that this was an interesting article…and wondering if you guys & gals had any input into it. What do you dreams consist of? Here's some more examples of mine if you're not comfortable in letting me know. I'm a pretty open book. For God's sake, I talked about Hannah Montana!!!

Mardi Gras Update - Less than three weeks until I'll be in New Orleans celebrating the Mardi Gras weekend up until Fat Tuesday…and they've decided on the king of the festivities. "Batman Forever" star Val Kilmer will reign as celebrity king when the Krewe of Bacchus parade rolls through New Orleans on Sunday, February 22nd. Kilmer will be decked out in royal apparel as he rides through the city on a float in the annual parade. "He's very excited," said Bacchus captain Owen "Pip" Brennan, who has been in contact with Kilmer about the event. Kilmer will visit Children's Hospital, a tradition every reigning Bacchus has participated in for the past three decades. "He loves coming to New Orleans. He said this has always been a favorite destination of his." Kilmer's other screen credits also include "Top Gun," "The Doors", "The Saint", "Thunderheart" and 2006's "Deja Vu" with Denzel Washington, which was filmed in New Orleans. Last year, wrestler and reality TV star Hulk Hogan was the krewe's celebrity king. Danny Kaye was the first Bacchus in 1969. Past Bacchus kings also include William Shatner, Billy Crystal, James Gandolfini, Bob Hope, Nicolas Cage (Bubbles), Kirk Douglas, Charlton Heston and Ron Howard. Bacchus organizers on Friday also unveiled the doubloon that will bear Kilmer's likeness. A doubloon is a souvenir coin thrown to spectators during the parade. That's right, ladies. I will be collecting Val Kilmer doubloons during the craziness of Mardi Gras. I'd better bring my catcher's mitt. It's gonna be awesome!!!

Rourke the Wrassler - Listen up wrestlin' fans!!! Actor Mickey Rourke ("Sin City" & possibly the worst movie ever made "Angel Heart") said last week that he's ready to rumble with WWE superstar Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 25 in Reliant Stadium on April 5th. Rourke portrays professional wrestler Randy the Ram in the acclaimed movie "The Wrestler." He even signed up to wrestle Jericho, for real. He made a surprise announcement Sunday night on the red carpet before the Screen Actors Guild Awards in Los Angeles. He said he was pleased by the acceptance of the movie by all the WWE wrestlers — except Jericho. Then Rourke said he was going to toss Jericho "around the ring like tossed salad." (Wow, prison wrestling) Meanwhile, Jericho, appearing on WWE television, said, Rourke was out of line and that he was offended by Rourke's comments. He said Rourke made "a mistake." It was all on and ready to go…and $teve was even getting a little intrigued by wrestling again (oh yeah, watched a little when I was a kid…but that was back in the Ultimate Warrior, Sting & Macho Man days). Then, Rourke's representative released the statement, "Mickey was very honored to be asked as he has the greatest respect for WWE however he will not be participating in Wrestlemania. He is focusing entirely on his acting career." Lame…but I'm gonna twist it to a positive…because if he's focusing entirely on his acting career…then that may mean that Sin City 2 is in the works. Doubtful…but you gotta get something positive out of this. Actually really wanna see that new "Wrestler" movie though. It looks like a good one…even though it has guys crying in the previews, so it's apparently a chick flick…but with wrestling.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I wish you all sweet dreams this weekend...and remember, I'd like to hear what your dream job was as a kid...and what your dreams nowadays consist of? Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Friday, January 30, 2009

25 Random Things

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It's a bit of a busy day for me today at I thought that I'd just quickly throw together one of these quiz things that I got from the Mad Scientist and several other people through Facebook. Apparently there's rules to this thing...and you know how I feel about those.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

So here it goes...

25 Random Things About Me (That you may already know)

1. I have yet to break a bone in my body…but my nose has been broken dozens of times.

2. I have a weak superior rectus muscle in my right eye, so a bit of a lazy eye. Luckily it only shows when I look up at somebody…and I'm 6'8" tall.

3. Like the Mad Scientist, I too think that most psychics and palm readers are full of crap and just trying to make a buck (sorry Bubbles & JJ, I know you two LOVE Sylvia Browne) but I do have a fascination with dreams, Karma, déjà vu & tarot cards…and won't f**k around with Ouija boards.

4. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a professional basketball player…AND a paleontologist in the off-season so that I could dig up dinosaurs. I have a slightly different job now...and it was brought up during our morning meeting today.

5. I like my bacon so crispy that you can barely tell that it's bacon.

6. I am truly fascinated by people. I love to hear life stories in detail and see how they got from there to here…and where they want to be down the road. That's why I'm usually really quiet in a group…because I love to listen.

7. I believe that a proper response to a question like, "Should I do (Option A) or (Option B)?" is "Yes." I'll make you break it down to me from your perspective. Again, fascinated with people and their perspectives and reasoning…and I may be ignorant and/or indifferent to the details behind the options.

8. I save text messages from friends & family to cheer me up when I'm feeling lonely. That's the main reason I'm bummed about losing my phone in Vegas over New Year's.

9. I have only been in two real fights in my life…and they were with my brother & my dad…and both over them hitting my mom.

10. Whenever somebody asks me if I play basketball, I respond with "Yes. Do you play miniature golf?"

11. I wanna sing like Nat King Cole…and for some reason, I think that I do pretty well.

12. Math has always been easy to me…but I'm illiterate when it comes to reading people.

13. My first two job interviews when I was 15 years old were for a bar and a mortuary. I'm not even sure why my mom drove me to them…and they were both her idea.

14. My first paying job when I was 15 was a Dishwasher at a truck stop diner for $4 an hour. It lasted a total of 12 hours and I used that money to go see "Independence Day" at the Drive-In and get my brother a birthday present.

15. I have been to 15 countries - Canada (thrice), Mexico, Jamaica, China, South Korea, Greece, Italy (twice...and Sicily), Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Spain, France (twice), the United Kingdom, Scotland and just about everywhere in the United States.

16. Ich habe Deutsch gelernt, aber ich habe das nicht in neun Jahren gesprochen. (Ruben, feel free to correct my grammar)

17. I believe that one of three songs are basically perfect in any situation - "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers, "Get Low" by the Ying Yang Twins, or "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito (from the Karate Kid).

18. As a kid, I used to eat brown sugar by the handful.

19. I am a fairly good ballroom dancer - Waltz, Tango, Cha Cha, Flamenco, Meringue, Foxtrot, Swing, etc.

20. I have had the same lame hairstyle since I had hair. I don't use hair spray, mousse, leave-in's, "product" (whatever that is) and basically it's just a comb that I use to set it…and my fingers when a comb is not available. I think I pull it off pretty well.

21. I used to play / hustle college basketball players (some future pros) in games of HORSE to make a few bucks for groceries when I was on the practice squad. Not surprisingly, my biggest competition was the female players. I once made $100 for hitting 20 free throws in a row…with hecklers. Sound easy? Try it.

22. I once told a classroom during a presentation at a University in Shanghai that I was planning on taking over the world with an army of armor-clad monkeys, pandas and tigers…and that was the reason for my studying there, for reconnocense. The Dean of the University didn't find it amusing at all.

23. I am willing to do just about anything to make somebody smile…but I won't do that.

24. I am a firm believer that NOBODY should get a car for their 16th birthday. I feel that the only way somebody will truly appreciate their first car…is to earn it. That means getting a job over the summer, saving up money, researching the cars, learning at least minor maintenance like changing the oil and tires, try to haggle the price of their decided vehicle…and ultimately purchase it themselves. You learn so many life lessons at an early age that way…and it will benefit them in the long run. It's like teaching somebody to fish rather than just giving them a fillet of tilapia.

25. I think that I’m a great guy and that a lot of ladies are missing out on it.

Now, for the breaking the rules part. I'm not tagging anybody (not just because I don't have 25 friends) so if you'd like to do it, that's be sweet & interesting...but don't fret over it. Other than that, please have a wonderful Super Bowl Weekend!!!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Babymaking with Dr Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today is Boss Man J's birthday…and I made him some cookies (didn't think that steak & potatoes would keep as well) and he seemed to like them, so cool beans. Other than that, I really don't have much to blab about. Went to the gym for the first time in almost two weeks. Everybody in my apartments is still sick…and if it's not this flu thing going around, it might be the water. It's been especially hard the past few weeks and I've been a little dehydrated for that time…despite drinking lots of water. Anyway, I'll get to the bottom of it…because rent's due in a few days and I don't wanna pay an outrageous amount of money for my bachelor pad when I can't even drink the water and be healthy. Anyway, enough of my complaining. Let's talk about making babies...

Octuplets - Okay, so I'm assuming by now that you've all heard about the Octuplets. No? Okay, well in Bellflower, California a woman gave birth to EIGHT babies (six boys & two girls) despite being nine weeks premature (yes, it was a C-section). It took a team of 46 to make it happen. Now, I had a few questions as to how this was possible…because in my opinion, four or more is a litter of children. So how can a human female have eight babies? Drugs. No, not crack or smack or pepper jack…but fertility drugs which cause a woman to drop more eggs than normal…like apparently a whole dozen at a time…just not leaving a mess on the kitchen floor immediately.

Does a mom carrying octuplets need to eat more?

"We recommend 300 extra calories per baby," Dr. James Airoldi said, adding though that with eight babies, the extra calorie intake would not be feasible (multiply 300 by 8 ... 2,400 extra calories). "They can't because their bellies are so big. So usually it amounts to trying to eat small frequent meals and trying to keep your calories up to at least 3,000 calories per day," he added.

Does carrying octuplets put more stress on a woman's body?

A resounding yes. "These babies are the most efficient parasites in the world. (Finally, another doctor agrees with me) They are taking every ounce of iron to build their red blood cells and every ounce of calcium to build their bones. So if mom isn't supplemented, mom is going to end up with nothing in the bank." Wo what, you skipped a few steps in there. You started talking about mom's body and red blood cells and calcium and then…whoops, they're already going to community college. You definitely missed a few steps in there. Diapers, food, toys, don't even think about vacations, child care, insurance, you may have to sell two or three just to make ends meet. Blonde haired, blue eyed babies get top dollar in the Middle East…er, so I'm told. The cost of raising a child is IMMENSE. Even the Wal-Mart shopping, one-ply toilet paper, reusable diapers, hand-me-down clothing and toys and public schools route, it's staggering if you really think about it (believe me, I've seen my mom's receipts). However, what does this all mean…even for those 97% of us only having babies one at a time?

The Future of Babymaking - Fertility experts see the birth of octuplets as a serious medical complication, not a triumph of reproductive technology. "That's not what we consider a success," said Dr. Jamie Grifo, referring to the new octuplets. "We try to avoid twins, let alone triplets because of the risks. A single birth is risky. Twins are more risky. Triplets - it is exponentially more risky." Infertility affects about 20 percent of all U.S. women at some point in their reproductive lives, Grifo said, and that figure is likely to rise as more and more women have children later in life. Reproductive efficiency at age 30 is twice that of women at age 40, he said. Men do not experience a big change in fertility with age. Fertility treatments could be a factor that will result in declining fecundity (potential for fertility, such as regular menstrual cycles) across the generations, according to a 2008 editorial published in the journal BMJ. Assisted conception makes it so "subfertile couples may have as many children as fertile couples, so that genetic factors linked to infertility will become more prevalent in the generations to come," the authors wrote. This leads to fewer multiple births without drugs. For example, when's the last time you heard about triplets? Those hot blonde ones that were hanging around Hef for a while, right? Do any of you know triplets? This also leads to more infertility…which means more in-vitro fertilization and other methods…and eventually designer babies that we whip up in a computer. Okay, that may be a ways off…but yeah, have any of you seen "Children of Men" starring Clive Owen & Julianne Moore? You should. It's a great movie…and it's about infertility and how society kinda goes bonkers because of it. Great great flick.

I don't know. I'm a little concerned for the future of the planet…and the people that call it home. Sure, scientists can prove that anything causes cancer, the environment is turning on us and now there's basically nothing we can do, we're running out of space for people and resources to feed them, we're all gonna die, it's just a matter of where and when and how…and more importantly, who with. That's why this stuff intrigues me. I want to have a family some day. Wife would be a good start (or at least a girlfriend who wants me) followed by kids…and grandkids…and maybe even I'll stick around for the great-grandkids (though at this rate, I'll be like 150 years old by then) and I see friends and family of mine who have used IVF and other fertility medications…just to have a baby…and then there's me…who comes from a long line of fertile myrtles (mom was one of 17 and dad was one of eight kids…all single births) and the birth of a child is a great, fantastic thing for some people…and not for others…but yeah, I'm definitely one of the former group. I think I'd be a good dad. Maybe even great. Definitely satisfactory. A lot of people that I know without kids would make great parents…and then I look around…and my brother's breeding…and the movie "Idiocracy" comes to mind…and that Mike Judge comedy scares me a little bit because it's so true. What's my point? Who the Hell knows? Maybe it's just…be open to the Love. Don't overthink. It'll only bring ya down. (Believe me, I can't stop this noggin sometimes and it rarely helps) Surround yourself in great people that make you happy…and be there for them. You never know, it may be the last time that you see them. Might as well have a good memory, right? Forgive easily. Love deeply. All that other cliché mantra crap that you hear from me and emails from friends, family and people that somehow got your Yahoo address. Just enjoy your life…but be safe out there. Somebody misses you…and wants to hear from you. Give them a call. Your cell phone plan'll cover it. Anyway, here's a little more study information...

Future of Babynaming - My ridiculous baby naming abilities aside (still think Boss Lady D should name her son Optimus), now there appears to be a link between what you name a child…and their criminal record. Boys in the United States with common names like Michael and David are less likely to commit crimes than those named Ernest or Ivan. David Kalist and Daniel Lee of Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania compared the first names of male juvenile delinquents to the first names of male juveniles in the population. The researchers constructed a popularity-name index (PNI) for each name. For example, the PNI for Michael is 100, the most frequently given name during the period. The PNI for David is 50, a name given half as frequently as Michael. The PNI is approximately 1 for names such as Alec, Ernest, Ivan, Kareem, and Malcolm. Results show that, regardless of race, juveniles with unpopular names are more likely to engage in criminal activity. The least popular names were associated with juvenile delinquency among both blacks and whites. The findings, announced today, are detailed in the journal Social Science Quarterly. While the names are likely not the cause of crime, the researchers argue that "they are connected to factors that increase the tendency to commit crime, such as a disadvantaged home environment, residence in a county with low socioeconomic status, and households run by one parent. Also, adolescents with unpopular names may be more prone to crime because they are treated differently by their peers, making it more difficult for them to form relationships. Juveniles with unpopular names may also act out because they consciously or unconsciously dislike their names." The findings could help officials " identify individuals at high risk of committing or recommitting crime, leading to more effective and targeted intervention programs." So there we go, if you name your kid something unique, they're going to be a criminal…and put away to some special intervention program…because you named them after a video game character (that's right, I'm talking to you bro!!!). I don't hold a whole lot of merit in this study…but still, it's a little interesting…and yeah, unique people do get picked on more…but they also make history…and bring variety and new ways of thinking. Besides a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. Or a cow for that matter…

Got Milk? - Researchers in the UK say cows with names make 3.4 percent more milk in a year than cows that just feel, well, like cows. There seems to be more than just names involved, however. The study, involving 516 dairy farmers and published online Tuesday by the journal Anthrozoos, found that "on farms where each cow was called by her name the overall milk yield was higher than on farms where the cattle were herded as a group," write researchers Catherine Douglas and Peter Rowlinson of Newcastle University. Nobody likes to be herded. Even a cow, one might presume. Indeed, the findings in fact point to an overall personal touch that might say as much about the farmers as it does about the cows. "Just as people respond better to the personal touch, cows also feel happier and more relaxed if they are given a bit more one-to-one attention. By placing more importance on the individual, such as calling a cow by her name or interacting with the animal more as it grows up, we can not only improve the animal's welfare and her perception of humans, but also increase milk production." Happy cows? Okay. Well, if you are a farmer (especially one with a small farm that struggles to be profitable by milking only a handful of cows) you probably would not argue with success. Cows, after all (and in case you thinking of judging them as dumb animals) are known to have a magnetic sixth sense and are not as prone to cow-tipping as you might have heard. Who knows what else they are capable of? (Okay, I have to step in right here. I worked at a dairy farm for two years during high school…and there really is nothing cute, cuddly or magnetic about a cow…at all. They are dumb, smelly, delicious and fashionable animals…but I digress, they are still animals and everybody likes to be acknowledged. Just saying, based on my personal experience, they're no dogs…not even cats)

Dairy farmer Dennis Gibb, who co-owns Eachwick Red House Farm outside Newcastle with his brother Richard, says he believes treating every cow as an individual is vitally important. "They aren't just our livelihood - they're part of the family," Gibb said in a statement released by the university. "We love our cows here at Eachwick and every one of them has a name. Collectively we refer to them as 'our ladies' but we know every one of them and each one has her own personality."

The findings:

  • 46% said the cows on their farm were called by name.

  • 66% said they "knew all the cows in the herd."
  • 48% said positive human contact was more likely to produce cows with a good milking temperament.

  • Less than 10% said that a fear of humans resulted in a poor milking temperament.

Douglass goes on to say "Our data suggests that on the whole UK dairy farmers regard their cows as intelligent beings capable of experiencing a range of emotions. (I haven't even seen afraid as an emotion…and they had good reason for that) Placing more importance on knowing the individual animals and calling them by name can - at no extra cost to the farmer -- also significantly increase milk production." So there you go…and according to the earlier survey, if you name them something common like Betsy or Mary Lou or Roundtip, they also won't be that cow that holds up traffic by breaking out of the cage and standing stupidly in the middle of the road. Anyway, the point of the story is to try to use somebody's name each time that you talk to them…and establish a connection with them...and that relationship will be more productive, whether it's in a business atmosphere, personal relationship or casual acquaintance…like at a supermarket or something and they have a name tag. It's a proven fact. Try it out. You never know what will happen until you try. Just make sure that you pronounce the name right…otherwise they may become a criminal. "Hi there (gentleman's name tag says Jaquille), is it Ja-quill-ee? Jack-will? Ya-quill-ay?" "Ya-kill, mother lover!!!" "Oh! That's a…very handsome name. Is it…Spanish?" Yeah, probably a good idea to just call him Sir…otherwise it might wake up his parole officer. Anyway, don't be afraid to try it out and see the results.

That'll do it for today. We've had a lot of discussion about…well, really random stuff mostly involving babies and cows and name-calling. I guess there was a sort of theme…but obviously my blog is conformed to themes. I just get on rants and they stop after about…five pages or I get bored, whatever happens first. Thanks for reading. Feedback is appreciated. Have a great day everybody!!!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Free Stuff From Dr Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Movie Night was a complete success. Even after a last minute business meeting came up, we just postponed it a few hours…and then Boss Lady K & I watched "Saw V" and had a great time. Oh…and in case you were wondering, yes she was thoroughly impressed by the bachelor pad, complete with projector, surround sound, super comfortable couch, fully stocked bar, no visible pornography and of course…she was most impressed with the VIEW. Now, I thought that because she just lived across the hall, it wouldn't be a big deal…but she looked out the window, gasped, swore at me a little…but in a polite manner, and said, "I've gotta talk to Lauren (lady I pay checks to) about getting one of these views when they come open." Apparently, she looks at the tower on the same block…and after hours sometimes, some of the cleaning crew do…things they shouldn't be doing. Oh well, anyway, the view comes through again…and she's already talking about future Movie Nights because I apparently have "The Ultimate Setup" at my place. She doesn't even know about the PS3, massive collection of movies, full fridge or…the bedroom with massive walk-in closet. She's already afraid that when her husband moves here in March that we're gonna be best friends and she'll never see him again. Now if only I could figure out how to get the cable to work with my system in time for the Super Bowl on Sunday…so that I can provide more complimentary entertainment.

So yeah, we watched "Saw V" which…was pretty much what you would expect from the previous four movies…and the dozen or so that they'll continue to do before they get tired of it & it's no longer profitable. Oh yeah…Boss Lady K & I were also big fans of the "Scream Queens" reality TV show that was on VH1 were they had about a dozen actresses trying out for a starring role in "Saw VI" coming out…in probably six months…and while Angela (the superhottie with magnificent eyes & severe emotional problems) was my favorite, though she finished 3rd I think, her favorite was the childhood actress who finished 2nd…but we both didn't like the winner…so we talked about that a bit. Anyway, watching Roman Numeral Five, the reason I mention that…is I've decided that there was an actress in this movie that must've won a contest or something. It's the girl who played an assistant FBI agent or something (I think played by Sheila Shah) and yeah, she's easy on the eyes with her glasses…but she walks in, the dialogue is never more than one line, poorly delivered, and then she exits stage right. I found it quite hilarious. Anyway, now try not to focus on that now when you watch it…because I know you will. As for the story, just watch it…and don't worry if you haven't seen the previous four, it covers them in a haphazardly way…and it has all the gory deaths and twisted mind games that you expect from the series. Or watch "Horton Hears a Who" if you're not into that. There's my free movie review.

Speaking of scary, I got a call from my brother last night before Movie Night started. I know I'm gonna have to hold back laughter whenever the conversation starts, "Dude, I have to ask you a serious question." Now over the past few years, the immediate question has progressed from "Where can I buy faucet filters?" to "What do you think about (girlfriend)?" to "Should I marry her?" to "Where's a good place to stash a body?" but last night's was kind of expected. "If I were to move out to Denver, could I stay at your place until I got settled?" I didn't really know how to react at first, more specifically, what to mention first. Should I start out by showing concern as to why he would possibly be considering a move to Denver, a city he's never been to? Do I tell him that I currently live in a one-bedroom just big enough for a bachelor and a ladyfriend, not two bachelors and two babies? Do I mention that he doesn’t have a job…and I can barely afford to pay for my bills…and there really isn't anybody hiring in the immediate timeframe? Do I tell him that he's already got a sweet gig where he's at (with my mom paying for everything) and to mess that up would seriously kick him in the ass…because he's never had to pay for anything in his 25+ years on this planet? Do I sum it all up by just saying "That's f**king stupid. You haven't thought this through, have you?" Well, that's kind of the path it took…and yeah, it was basically him asking, "If I had to run off with the kids for some worst-case scenario that has a one-in-a-million likelihood, would you help a brother out?" Of course I will…until you make me regret it. Anyway, then I changed the subject to the new Underworld prequel that he saw…and he talked about that for 45 minutes while I texted JL Clyde & Lilie with an occasional "Uh-huh", "Really? That's cool." Anyway, he's not moving out to Denver…and as always, I'm there with a free shoulder to cry on...even though I may multitask at the time if you're just rambling about vampires and werewolves and their spats...and here's some news…

Free NYC Hotel Stay - A London couple visiting the Big Apple have settled into their hotel room…but are under the eyes of thousands of pedestrians and motorists. Duncan Malcolm and Katherine Lewis are receiving a complimentary five-day stay at Manhattan's Roger Smith Hotel in exchange for guesting in a replica of one of the hotel's rooms on the ground floor of a nearby building. As part of the agreement, the couple must keep the curtains on the room's large glass windows open between 4:30 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. until Friday, allowing passers-by to watch them. The hotel partnered with the Real Live Billboards company, which stages live events for advertising and promotional purposes. In December, heavyweight boxer Tor Hamer was featured in the hotel's storefront window exchanging punches with his trainer. "Come to the Roger Smith…for knockout prices." Sorry, I just thought of Rocky II where Rocky does all those corny commercials…but can't talk no good. You really have to be careful with who you select for a free stay like that. This may just be the exhibitionist in me talking…but if I'm traveling overseas…and I'm in a nice hotel room…and part of a couple…and I'm forced to be in a hotel for three hours during prime napping time…then my lady & I may become a little bored…and show passerbys how soft, yet responsive the bedsprings are…or how spacious and versatile the shower is…or how strong the walls and/or windows are…and how the carpet is specifically designed to reduce rug burn. We may leave the room at 7:30 for dinner to a standing ovation. Real Live Billboards, next time you have something like this going on, keep me in mind. Remember, sex sells.

Working for Gratis - Some workers at Mr. B's Pancake House in Muskegon, Michigan found a sweet way to help out their boss and the workplace they love. With customer traffic down a bit lately, lead server Mary VanDam asked co-workers if they might be willing to work a shift without wages to help out owner Dave Barham. The 17 servers, cooks, busboys, dishwashers, cashiers and hostesses who worked the day shift on January 18th received only tips for compensation. "This is a wonderful business. We want to see it succeed," VanDam, 51, told The Muskegon Chronicle for a story published Tuesday. When customers heard about the workers' effort, they tipped a little more. The shift's workers divided the gratuities equally and each took home $51. "Isn't that something?" Barham asked. He said he doesn't want people to get the impression his business is doing poorly, but "it's tight for everyone all over." VanDam said Barham met his payroll more than once by dipping into his own pockets. All 31 of the restaurant's workers had volunteered, but they agreed the no-wage effort would be for one shift. "We wish we could have saved him $5,000. We wanted to give back to him, lighten the load a little." That's a sweet notion. The recession has led to a lot of cutting back…but this is a nice story. I don't plan on volunteering like this any time soon…unless my apartment complex decides to gimme free rent for a month…but still, it's nice. Best part of this story? It involves pancakes. Sweet, delicious pancakes. Stacks and stacks of 'em.

Money for Nothing & Cello Scrotum? - "Cello scrotum," a nasty ailment allegedly suffered by musicians, does not exist and the condition was just a hoax, a senior doctor has admitted. Back in 1974, in a letter to the British Medical Journal, Elaine Murphy reported that cellists suffered from the painful complaint caused by their instrument repeatedly rubbing against their body. Apparently, they really love their instruments. The claim had been inspired by reports in the BMJ about the alleged condition guitar nipple, caused by irritation when the guitar was pressed against the chest…but Murphy, now a Baroness and a former Professor of Psychiatry of Old Age at Guy's Hospital in London, has admitted her supposed medical complaint was a spoof. "Perhaps after 34 years it's time for us to confess we invented cello scrotum," she wrote with her husband John, who had signed the original letter, which was published in the BMJ on Wednesday. "Anyone who has ever watched a cello being played would realize the physical impossibility of our claim." Murphy, who said the couple had been "dining out" on their story ever since they made it up, said they had decided to reveal the hoax after it was referred to in a recent BMJ article on health problems associated with making music. She also said she suspected "guitar nipple" had been a joke. They all sound like side effects from Prescott pharmaceuticals advertised on the Colbert Report. "Vein seizures, monkey lung, brain tooth, wandering genital syndrome, pituitary ferns, involuntary Narnia dreams, and re-emergence of the umbilical cord." Proof that doctors can just randomly make sh*t up and we'll accept it. Attention all you Lying Doctors out there, I'll see you in Health!!! Oh…and apparently the real cause of cello scrotum…and unhygienic cellist groupies. Oh yeah, they're out there. I've seen 'em…and that's why I play guitar. Nipples intact thus far. Probably cause of Guitar Nipple: Nibblers turn Biters. Keep them away from your scrotum.

Free Legal Advice - A San Diego judge has declared a mistrial in a kidnapping and assault case after the defendant smeared excrement on his lawyer's face and threw it at jurors. The judge boosted defendant Weusi McGowan's bail from $250,000 to $1 million after the Monday incident. Prosecutor Christopher Lawson says McGowan was upset because the judge refused to remove public defender Jeffrey Martin from the case. McGowan had smuggled a bag of feces into court ("They're ugh…brownies?") and spread it on Martin's hair and face before flinging the excrement at jurors. No jurors were hit. McGowan has pleaded not guilty to kidnapping for robbery, assault with a deadly weapon and other counts in connection with a 2007 home invasion. Why is this story important? Because poop is funny. Especially when you cross a poop joke…with a lawyer joke. "Habeas corpus? That's Habeas Crapus!!! (Fling)"

Anyway, that'll do it for today's complimentary pleasures. Being a non-profit gigolo, I know a thing or two about them…and I just thought that I'd share them with you…on a pretty consistent daily basis. Tonight, I go to the gym, have a good workout, cook me a nice dinner (that I'll probably eat for the next week), maybe see some of the late night cleaning crew in the adjacent tower if I can convince Boss Lady K to invite me over, we'll see. Have a great night everybody!!!

P.S. Tomorrow is Boss Man J's birthday (just found out). What should I get the Boss Man for a birthday present? Usually the only guys I get birthday presents for are my dad, brother and Wingman…and lap dances seem to be much appreciated…but in this case, that just wouldn't work…nor is it work appropriate. Suggestions?

P.P.S. If you're wondering what to get me for my birthday in three months…might I suggest a lap dance?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

See Ya at Mardi Gras

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It's official. I'm going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans in about three weeks. This will be my fifth trip to the Big Easy…and another groovy thing is…my mom might be coming with me. Now, I talked with her last night…and she of course really wants to go because it'll be fun and it'd be with her favorite son…but she's hesitant because…any guesses? Somebody has to watch the grandbabies. Yup, she can't go have fun…because she has to be responsible for them. God forbid the parents should watch their own damn kids. I mean, yeah my brother works…about thirty hours a week…and my sister-in-law…well, nobody knows what the f**k she's doing besides being a little crazy (just trust me on that one) and so my mom has to take care of them. It just isn't fair to her…but whatever. I understand that she wants the best for those kids. We all do. Who am I to say she's getting taken advantage of? On a daily basis? If she decides to stay in Utah, then I'll just have fun without her…and I'll be sure to call her and let her know how much fun I'm having…and send her pictures…and yeah, she'll probably have Kairi talk on the phone and sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and say how much she misses me…while I'm holding back those last two shots of Jaeger. "Aaah, thank you sweetie. I mi (little reflux that you can taste the Hurricane you drank an hour ago) I miss you too. Could you (again) put grandma back on the phone?" "Okay, love you $tevie." "I love you too." Mom gets on the phone, "Hello?" "That's cheating. I'm still mad you're not here with me."

Anyway, that's a worst case scenario…and frankly, it's not that bad of a worst case. It still involves me partying it up in the Big Easy and experiencing something that many people dream of doing but few get to experience…like going to the Super Bowl or something. It's all good though…because she just found out today that she'll be in Cheyenne in early March with work. How is being in Cheyenne possibly a good thing? Because she's an hour's drive from Denver…and she has no problem with hanging out the weekend before or after or any nights she wants to hang with her favorite instead of stay in some hotel room at the Bates Motel. Anyway, here's some news...

New Game Show Idea: What's in the Crapper? - At the Black Bear Diner in Arizona, it took a plumber to retrieve a woman's 7-carat diamond ring after city workers failed in efforts to flush the gem out of the pipes of a restaurant toilet. The $70,000 wedding ring fell from Allison Berry's hand when she flushed the toilet in the restroom on January 14th. The ring plopped in and the water whisked it away. City workers opened a pipe outside the restaurant and continuously flushed the toilet, hoping to push the ring out to the opening. When that didn't work, the city called the office in suburban Tempe of Mr. Rooter, a plumbing services franchise based in Waco, Texas. "This is going to be like dredging for a treasure chest in the ocean," Mike Roberts, general manager of Mr. Rooter, said at the time. Roberts guided a tiny video camera into the pipe with an infrared light attached. He eventually spotted the ring just 3 feet down and 5 feet over from where it was flushed. Then it took 90 minutes of jackhammering and pipe removal before Roberts and a technician could recover the ring, eight hours after it fell in the toilet. "They always say diamonds are a girl's best friend. In this case, a plumber is a girl's best friend," Roberts said. "She was just so excited, she had tears in her eyes. She gave us a hug and said 'Thank you so much." The Mr. Rooter bill came to $5,200 and the city's bill was $1,000. Berry, of Eureka, Calif., and her husband also tipped Roberts and the technician $400 each and gave $200 to a diner employee for staying late. I'm certain that Allison's next stop was to a jeweler to get the band resized so it doesn't happen again. Anyway, might be a good idea for a new gross-out game show like Fear Factor, where you pick a toilet reach around inside…and you could win a diamond ring…or car keys…or a pack of smokes. The prizes vary. That's the point of the game. It's look older game shows where you choose between three mystery doors…but #2 is always involved. Think that's a bad poop joke? Just wait until you hear host Wink Martindale.

Whacking Causes Cancer? - A new study finds men who are sexually active in their 20s and 30s are more likely to develop prostate cancer - especially if they masturbate frequently. The message, perhaps: Hold off until middle age. The study also found that frequent sexual activity in a man's 40s appears to have little effect and even small levels of sexual activity in a man's 50s could offer protection from the disease. Most of the differences were attributed to masturbation rather than sexual intercourse. The study, led by the University of Nottingham, looked at the sexual practices of more than 431 men who had been diagnosed with prostate cancer before the age of 60, together with 409 controls who do not have prostate cancer. Among men with prostate cancer, 34 percent had masturbated frequently in their 20s, compared to 24 percent among the control group. A similar spread was found for men in their 30s. The results, based on questionnaires, are detailed in the journal BJU International (the British Journal of Urology). The prostate gland secretes a milky fluid that mixes with sperm and seminal vesicle fluid to become semen. Prostate cancer is the second leading cause of cancer deaths among men in the United States, after lung cancer, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About 30,000 die from it each year. "We were keen to look at the links between sexual activity and younger men as a lot of prostate cancer studies focus on older men as the disease is more prevalent in men over 50," said lead author Polyxeni Dimitropoulou (if that is his real name), who is now at the University of Cambridge. "Hormones appear to play a key role in prostate cancer and it is very common to treat men with therapy to reduce the hormones thought to stimulate the cancer cells. A man's sex drive is also regulated by his hormone levels, so this study examined the theory that having a high sex drive affects the risk of prostate cancer." Damn it!!!

Other findings:

  • 59 percent of the men in both groups said that they had engaged in sexual activity (intercourse or masturbation) 12 times a month or more in their 20s. This fell steadily as they got older, to 48 percent in their 30s, 28 percent in their forties and 13 percent in their 50s. According to older men I've spoken with, no surprise there.

  • 39 percent of the cancer group had had six female partners or more, compared with 31 percent of the control group.

  • Men with prostate cancer were more likely to have had a sexually transmitted disease than those without prostate cancer.

Dimitropoulou went on to say, "A possible explanation for the protective effect that men in their fifties appear to receive from overall sexual activity, and particularly masturbation, is that the release of accumulated toxins during sexual activity reduces the risk of developing cancer in the prostate area. This theory has, however, not been firmly established and further research is necessary." So I guess the overall message is…if you're going to masturbate, do it after a workout? Damn scientists. They take the fun out of EVERYTHING!!! Except the Mad Scientists, they tend to at least entertain. Want some more scientific knowledge dropped on ya?

Redundant? - According to a new study, when male mice live with female mice, their reproductive years are extended by up to 20 percent. A similar effect might or might not occur in humans - it has yet to be tested - but the finding has "significant implications for the maintenance of male fertility in wildlife, livestock and even human populations," the researchers say. The scientists housed one group of male mice with females for up to 32 months, while the others were forced to live like monks. Each of the males was placed with a female at two-month intervals to see if they could get the job done. (Hmm, I'm confused scientist. What does that mean exactly?) The males that lived constantly with females stayed fertile for six months longer, on average. The decline in fertility appeared to be due in part to defects in the sperm-production process, the researchers figure. "It appears that housing females with a male mouse delays the decline of reproductive processes at the cellular level by somehow affecting the cells surrounding the stem cells that produce spermatozoa in the testes," said study leader Ralph Brinster at the University of Pennsylvania School of Veterinary Medicine. The finding was detailed this week in the journal Biology of Reproduction. "The effect may occur in any species. One does not know without controlled experiments." And that presents a problem. "It would be extremely difficult, probably impossible, to study directly in humans." ("Hmm, live with some girl I don't know for almost three years…or live like a monk. I've already been doing the latter for…frustrated sigh…where do I sign up?") If this reproductive effect occurs in livestock, it could suggest ways to extend the mating life of males, Brinster said, adding that "this finding may also have relevance for the protection of some large endangered species." Did somebody say pandas? Anyway, so basically…according to this study…if you're around a female, your reproductive years last longer. That's kind of like saying if you live near the ocean, the air's more humid, isn't it? Especially since those that aren't around females are masturbating so much…so prostate cancer cuts down their years. Ladies, please…help us save a few good men out there. Don't be stingy with the poonani. It could save somebody's life. If not, then you just gave that dude full-blown cancer. Sure, if the guy deserves it, whatever…but what about those good guys…like oh I don't know…ME!!! Are you gonna give me cancer? Or are you gonna give me the go-ahead? I come with a money back guarantee.

After that, I think I'll call it a day. Tonight's the Movie Night were Boss Lady K & I are gonna watch "Saw V" on the big screen in the new Cooliseum. She even checked earlier, "Do I need to bring anything?" "Well, I've got a box of popcorn that I haven't used yet, a full bar with Jaeger, Vodka, Tequila, Brandy, Whisky, several Rums, liqueurs and I'm a bachelor so there's always a bag of chips, Goldfish and frozen pizzas as well as an assortment of meat so…bring whatever else you think we need." "Awesome. Ooooooh, Saw!!!" Should be a fun night. Have a great day everybody!!!

Monday, January 26, 2009

There Can Only Be One...Dr Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I did in fact decide to brave the snowy weather and my illness to get a haircut. I know you're impressed…but please, don't be. There's this place called Floyd's a few blocks from my house…and I think all the barbers there are female (at least they have been the twice that I went there) and for twenty bucks (with tip included and all) you get a nice haircut, some nice conversation, some nice eye candy, a hot foam shave around the neck with a straight edge and a little shoulder massage to top it all off. Not bad, right? Anyway, couldn't really tell ya much about yesterday's episode because I was just pretty groggy the whole time…but the hair's sheared…and I'm lookin' good…well, as good as can be expected.

It's been snowing pretty good this morning…and again, it's the big fluffy stuff with a little more wind than yesterday…but a lot more snow. Have I mentioned that I love my view? Also, have I mentioned that I love my commute when I go to work? Consisting of about four minutes going down an elevator, through the lobby (where I can pick up some breakfast if they set it up early enough), out the door, around the corner and through a security door. Much better than shoveling out the car, letting her heat up, braving the freeway and all its drivers, in the blinding snow drifts, just to make it to work. Just glanced outside…and it's still coming down pretty good. Sorry, trying not to gloat or anything…but I'm just very appreciative of it. If it makes you feel any better, I can feel the building sway when the wind picks up…which is just about all the time. Anyway, here's some other news…

111 Year Old Daddy - A captive reptile in New Zealand has unexpectedly become a father at the ripe old age of 111 after receiving treatment for a cancer that made him hostile toward prospective mates. The centenarian tuatara, named Henry, was thought well past the mating game until he was caught canoodling with a female named Mildred last March — a consummation that resulted in 11 babies being hatched on Monday. Tuatara are indigenous New Zealand creatures that resemble lizards but descend from a distinct lineage of reptile that walked the earth with the dinosaurs 225 million years ago. An endangered species, the hatchlings born at the Southland Museum and Art Gallery will provide a badly needed boost to the tuatara's genetic diversity, said the gallery's tuatara curator, Lindsay Hazley. Henry was at least 70 years old when he arrived at the museum, "a grumpy old man" who attacked other reptiles, including females, until a cancerous tumor was removed from his genitals in 2002, said Hazley. "I went off the idea he was good for breeding," Hazley told The Associated Press, but once the tumor was removed, "he was no longer aggressive." (Seriously, I'd just try to blend in at that point too if somebody took a scalpel to my junk) The museum now has 72 of the reptiles after 42 hatchings in the past two years. Hazley hopes to use Henry regularly in the breeding program that is helping expand tuatara numbers after they had been savaged by predators. Tuatara are estimated to number about 50,000, most of them living in predator-free sanctuaries, including offshore islands. A male Tuatara takes 70 years to fully mature (don't we all) but reaches sexual maturity about age 20. While there's no scientific data on the life span of the ancient reptiles, "they go beyond 100 well and truly," Hazley said. "They can be around for 150 to 250 years." Also an interesting fact, even then, the only way to kill a tuatara is by decapitation. They are impervious to disease, small arms fire, corrosive acids and have an incredible healing ability that allows them to live so they often prey on each other and try to decapitate one another to gain their strength in a mysterious method known simply as "The Quickening" by scientists. They actually handle swords remarkably well for reptiles. Okay, that last part isn't true…but still, is there anybody out there that doesn't love Highlander? Well, except maybe Highlander II which was just really terrible from all points of view. There is one quirk about this story that would prove that Henry's not a Highlander though. Brownie points to anybody who can tell me what it is. Anyway, congratulation Henry!!!

Dung Beetle Improves Diet - Believe it or not, it's a surprisingly good segway from the end of the last story. A species of dung beetle has ditched its excrement-eating ways in favor of millipedes…and the beetle shows no mercy, often decapitating the leggy insect before devouring it, a new study finds. Called Deltochilum valgum, the dung beetle is the first of its kind to show exclusively predatory behavior, taking down and consuming millipedes rather than eating primarily dung or a mixture of dung and other foods…which is technically, still dung. In the past, scientists had seen the beetle grasping live millipedes…but they weren't sure if the species specialized in exclusive millipede eating…or were just touchy feely. So Trond Larsen of Princeton University in New Jersey and his colleagues set up traps in a rainforest in Peru that were baited with various foods, including dung, live millipedes, dead millipedes, injured or uninjured millipedes, fungus and carrion. (For those who don't know, carrion is dead animal meat…like what vultures eat. Appetizing buffet, huh?) D. valgum was attracted only to the millipede traps, preferring the live, injured millipedes over dead ones. The discovery is detailed this week in the journal Biology Letters. Out of nearly 40 millipede attacks observed, the researchers saw one successful kill and found seven dead millipedes killed by beetles. Three of the killed millipedes had been decapitated. Overall, the beetles tended to take down millipedes much larger than themselves. While a D. valgum is under a half inch, the millipede meals had body lengths of nearly 1 to 4 inches. Here's how the millipede massacre played out: The dung beetle first grasped the millipede's body with its mid and hind legs. The hind legs of D. valgum are elongated and more curved than that of other dung beetles. The beetle wrapped these spindly legs tightly around the millipede's body (Why is this turning me on a bit?). Once grasped, the millipede either coiled up its body or flailed about. When flailing subsided, the beetle chomped into a joint between the millipede's body segments. The beetle then pried upward with its head, while sawing and prying at the same joint with so-called foretibial teeth (aaaaand the moment's gone). During the directly observed kill, the force of such prying severed the millipede's head from the rest of its body…resulting in bolts of lightning and the dung beetle being levitated into the air, releasing a high-pitched groan and then increasing in body mass by roughly 20%...similar to when they observed tuatara decapitation. Okay, maybe I'm beating a dead horse here…but Highlander is awesome…and if you read the article…this is really true…up until the bolts of lightning. Beetles that once were forced to eat crap…are now decapitating animals roughly ten times their size. It's a revolution in the Animal Kingdom. Keep an eye on your household pets. That's all I'm saying. No need to thank me…just pay it forward.

New Tomb Raider? - Word from Spanish news site Europa Press (so it has to be true…or at least sound sexy) says that the Tomb Raider film's producers are considering taking probably the only good thing that worked about those films...Angelina Jolie as lead character Lara Croft...and replace her with "Transformers" superbabe Megan Fox. Fox certainly would fit the shorts well, but as many critics have said that isn't the Achilles Heel of the series, rather the lack of anything approaching a decent script and director. Given the proper pedigree it might be possible to 'reboot' the series in the same way James Bond and Batman successfully shook off the shackles of campy, escapist movies that those franchises descended to at different points in the past. The article also cites a production schedule of 2010 for release in the Summer of 2011…but then again, as you know, most rumors you hear about stuff two to three years from now…is just filler. Why do I mention it then? Because it gives me an excuse to put more pictures on my blog of not only Angelina Jolie…nor merely Megan Fox…but even a few of the video game vixen Lara Croft…which is like a trifecta of a meal that includes bacon, chocolate and a flower that enable you to shoot fireballs. So please…enjoy the rumor mill as I do…

Well, after that, I should ugh…maybe get to a restroom or something and ugh…calm down. Oh…and I've decided that I'm going to visit Filly in New Orleans during Mardi Gras…because it's been weeks since I've had a vacation…and things can change a lot in a year, so this may be my last chance, right? I'd be a fool not to do it. Anyway, I'll keep you posted. Have a great day everybody!!! Can't wait to hand out some of these...

Sunday, January 25, 2009

No Super Bowl This Week

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today's just gonna be a quick on because...I'm gonna get over this cold today. I'm down to the lovely, runny nose and groggy head phase...which usually means just one miserable day left. After doing some laundry and ironing today, I just thought that I'd share a little story with you. Okay, so remember how I said that I might be having an inaugural Movie Night in my apartment in the next few days? Well, here's the whole story. One of the managers in my also a neighbor of mine (like same floor, just next door) so one day at work, she mentions to me that she has some of my mail, just misplaced because our apartment numbers are consecutive.

$teve: "Oh that's okay, I'll swing by and get it some time."

Boss Lady K: "By the way, who is Dr. Mookie Love?"

$teve: "What?" My mind kind of does a little scurry as I try to figure out how the hell she knows about this blog...and my secret identity. Did I mention it at work? No, impossible. Has she been checking my internet history? Possibly, in fact, very damn possible...but she's not MY boss. Then it hit me. "Oh, did you get my Netflix mail?" Please see attached address label on my Netflix...

Boss Lady K: "Yeah, I saw it was your name...and then this Dr. Mookie Love...and then the address, so I just had to ask. Who is this Dr. Love?"

$teve: "Well (I look both ways to make sure nobody's eavesdropping in plain sight, then lean in) I shouldn't be telling you this...but how do I put this? (Barry White / Batman voice) I am Dr. Mookie Love." She starts laughing at my kookiness. Close call. "Yeah, he's kind of a...secret identity of mine for a few years now...and when I was signing up for Netflix it asked for a Company name or something...and I thought, yeah Dr. Love's my business, so I put it on there...and have gotten a little giggle ever since when I look at it."

Boss Lady K: "Wow, never would've guessed that. So how is Netflix?" This is where I go on talking about how convenient it is since there's not a Blockbuster within 15 minutes and how it goes great with my projector TV & surround sound...then I mention that "Saw V" is coming soon...and she just about crapped her pants. "OH MY GOSH!!! I SOOOO WANT TO SEE SAW FIVE!!!"

$teve: "Well, I'll let you know when it comes in and we can have a little Movie Night. Bring friends or whatever if you want, I've got a fully stocked bar and plenty of popcorn already." And thus, the seed of the first Movie Night was Dr. Mookie Love.

Anyway, hope that everybody's having a great weekend and having lots of fun during this off-week from football before Super Bowl XLIII one week from today between...(still unbelievable sigh) the Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers. I really don't care who wins. Both teams are great stories...that I'm not gonna bore you with. Have a great day everybody!!!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Teleport Back a Year

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, today marks the 1st Anniversary of the Day of Infamy where basically my cushy little gig wasn't quite so cushy...and this whole recession thing kinda hit home. Quite a bit has changed since then. My family's gotten a year older...which means my parents are now in their fitties and my nieces and nephews are spongier than ever. My friends are now scattered all over the still-United opposed to being about a ten minute drive away. My job & ambition have taken me to a different state...but at what cost? I guess time will only tell if the moves that I made were the right ones...but they sure seemed that way at the time...and regardless, it won't drag me down...because I've got high hopes for the future...and a deluxe apartment in sky...just trying to get a piece of that pie. A wise man once said that fish don't fry in the kitchen, while beans don't burn on the grill, and it's gonna take a whole lot of t-ryin' just to make it up that hill...but once you're up in the big leagues and it's your turn at bat...I forget the rest...but I'm pretty sure it ends up there ain't being nothin' wrong with that...because we're movin' on up. I think Lincoln said it. I'll have to Google that. Anyway, I'm feeling a little better today...and decided to spend the day indoors cleaning up around the apartment and resting so I don't get sick again. Little bit of a Gloomy Gus Day yesterday when I got home...feeling miserable and nobody there to tuck me in...but luckily I had my mom, dad & brother calling...and my good friends like Bubbles & JL Clyde there to talk to...though virtually from hundreds of miles away. Thanks. Love y'all madly. Anyway, enough of that stuff, here's the news...

Invincible Rip-off - More proof that the Cowboys TRY to be like the Eagles…but simply can't pull it off…even over twenty years later. Okay, so you've all the Marky Mark movie "Invincible" based on a true story about the bartender who tried out for the Eagles during open tryouts back in the early 80's, right? No? Go watch it. Well, I guess I basically just told you the story and saved you two hours…but still, Eagles, go watch it. Anyway, now former Cowboys receiver / coke addict Michael Irvin is launching a reality TV show in which 12 “football neophytes” will compete for an impressive grand prize - a spot on the Dallas Cowboys’ training camp roster. Irvin says, “I don’t know if you can walk upon any group of guys that wouldn’t say they dreamed of playing in the NFL when they were playing in their front yard. So we’re going to take a group of guys from their front yard, dwindle them to one and give that guy the opportunity of a lifetime.” The Cowboys confirmed that one of their 80 roster spots will go to the show’s winner, but team owner Jerry Jones was not available for further comment. The NFL did not immediately return a call. The show, which doesn’t yet have a title, will air this spring on Spike. It is being produced by the same company that’s behind “The Biggest Loser” and many other reality TV hits. To make things even worse, Irvin will not only host…but have friends like Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Deion Sanders and owner Jerry Jones stop by for cameos. Just when I was starting to like Spike TV and their CSI marathons and MANswers, they have to do this. Oh well, I'll watch the Contender & Contender: Muay Thai reruns when they come on. My prediction - The winner will have a criminal record…just so he can smoothly transition into the Cowboys organization.

Afrika Update - Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery. Wait for it, hear the whole story before you judge. Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323. "The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat," Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone. "We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he said. Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, Afrika's most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw. Now, I know what you're thinking…and it sounds absolutely ridiculous…but think about it. Okay, sure they may have just been chasing two guys, turn a corner…and one's there…and a goat's there…so to keep from looking like slow pokes, they say he turned into a goat. That's one scenario. However, what if the guy DID turn himself into a goat? They bring the goat in, everybody laughs, gets their pictures taken with him and they let him go. This car thief morphs back into a man and is free on the streets…or whatever the equivalent is in Nigeria, the savannah or something. I know some of you out there believe in Magick…and I believe anything is possible. Still don't think that we need more money in public schools? Remember this the next time a proposition comes up for a tax to help out schools…or there's a fundraiser or something. Make teaching an occupation you can afford to live on…otherwise we'll have goats in custody in our jails too. Don't think this story won't come up on my campaign to become Governor later on in life.

Teleportation Update - On a similar segway, scientists have come a bit closer to achieving the "Star Trek" feat of teleportation. No one is galaxy-hopping, or even beaming people around, but for the first time, information has been teleported between two separate atoms across a distance of a meter…or yard for us. This is a significant milestone in a field known as Quantum Information Processing, said Christopher Monroe of the Joint Quantum Institute at the University of Maryland (GO TERRAPINS!!!), who led the effort. Teleportation is one of nature's most mysterious forms of transport: Quantum information, such as the spin of a particle or the polarization of a photon is transferred from one place to another, without traveling through any physical medium. It has previously been achieved between photons (a unit, or quantum, of electromagnetic radiation, such as light) over very large distances, between photons and ensembles of atoms, and between two nearby atoms through the intermediary action of a third. None of those, however, provides a feasible means of holding and managing quantum information over long distances. Now the JQI team, along with colleagues at the University of Michigan (GO WOLVERINES!!!), has succeeded in teleporting a quantum state directly from one atom to another over a meter. That capability is necessary for workable quantum information systems because they will require memory storage at both the sending and receiving ends of the transmission. In the January 23rd issue of the journal Science, the scientists report that, by using their protocol, atom-to-atom teleported information can be recovered with perfect accuracy about 90 percent of the time - and that figure can be improved. (That's right, perfect accuracy…90% of the time…think about it) "Our system has the potential to form the basis for a large-scale 'quantum repeater' that can network quantum memories over vast distances. Moreover, our methods can be used in conjunction with quantum bit operations to create a key component needed for quantum computation." A quantum computer could perform certain tasks, such as encryption-related calculations and searches of giant databases, considerably faster than conventional machines. The effort to devise a working model is a matter of intense interest worldwide.

Physicist Richard Feynman is quoted as having said that "if you think you understand quantum mechanics, you don't understand quantum mechanics." Or sometimes he is cited thusly: "I think I can safely say that nobody understand quantum mechanics." Nonetheless, here is how the University of Maryland describes Monroe's work. Teleportation works because of a remarkable quantum phenomenon called Entanglement which only occurs on the atomic and subatomic scale. Once two objects are put in an entangled state, their properties are inextricably entwined. Although those properties are inherently unknowable until a measurement is made, measuring either one of the objects instantly determines the characteristics of the other, no matter how far apart they are. You know what? I just realized that you might not care about Teleportation…and the only Entanglement you're concerned about is the entanglement of limbs & other extremities with your lover (I feel ya) or maybe just the entanglement of your hair…so if you'd like to read more, there's a link. I think the idea of teleportation is awesome…but I realize that we also don't really have the scientific knowledge at this point to be beaming people up quite yet. However, if a guy can turn himself into a goat to avoid going to jail for attempted jacking of a Mazda, then I suppose anything's possible with perseverance and a little luck.

Dita Von Teese - Dita von Teese, the raven-haired reincarnation of striptease artistes from 1940s America, is returning to one of the most famous nude revues in Paris, happy to be back in a city with a respect for her craft. "I feel that Paris is a place that still appreciates its showgirls," she told Reuters in an interview before a two-week run at the celebrated Crazy Horse theater from February 1st. Von Teese, a familiar figure at the Paris couture shows, has carved a peculiar niche over the years, leading the way as burlesque has grown from simple striptease to becoming an established part of the fashion world. Two years ago she emerged from a rhinestone-encrusted bubble bath as the first guest star at the Crazy Horse but the new show will have more specially designed numbers, including two songs she has recorded herself. "I feel I have to raise the bar," she said. The Crazy Horse has been a Paris institution since 1951, regularly drawing celebrities like Madonna or fashion designer Jean-Paul Gaultier to see its dancers strut the stage in little more than fluorescent wigs and strobe lights. "I've always had a real fascination with the Crazy Horse ever since I was a teenager and I found a picture of this line of nearly nude toy soldiers standing at attention," she said, referring to the trademark parade that opens the nightly show. "I wanted to do something more elaborate this time. Combine the Crazy Horse style with what I do which is classic American burlesque."

Inspired by the venerable names of stripping and pinup such as Gypsy Rose Lee and Bettie Page, she has an almost scholarly interest in the era of the 1930s and 1940s when the renowned Minsky's Burlesque ruled on Broadway. In person, a pale and softly spoken woman in an elegant green frock and carefully coiffed hair, Von Teese, born Heather Sweet (not a bad name to begin with), says "Everything I do professionally comes from what my hobbies were, which was dressing in vintage clothes, driving in vintage cars, listening to retro music and reading about burlesque stars." (Hmm, we have the same hobbies) The distinctive look, which she maintains even when not performing, has always made her stand out but she said the attention had been a help in her stage life. "I was so shy in other ways but I was never shy about that. For people to be looking at me because I was wearing an unusual hat or a strange dress and looking like I stepped off a movie set -- I've been used to that for my entire adult life." She has managed a delicate transition, taking on a glamorous allure that has elevated her from the gyrating ranks of laptop dancers but she says her style has actually changed little since she started almost 20 years ago. "I started performing burlesque in 1991 and originally my audience was in strip clubs, pole dancing clubs, fetish clubs and I've watched the way it changed. I've been doing the same show all along but why has it become more fashionable? It's interesting because I'm not the one that's changed." Okay, so honestly I had no idea who Dita Von Teese was…but the name sounded a little familiar…so I googled it. She was married to Marilyn Manson. Really? Didn't see that one coming. Anyway, if you're in Paris, check out her show. Anybody inspired by Bettie Page and was born Sweet is cool in my book.

So let's see, got the football stuff, the science stuff, the sexy brunette stuff, nothing really in the news about Pandas or Sexbots and I'm too cloudy headed to come up with a Movie I guess that'll do it for today. I hope that you're all having a groovy weekend. Play safe...and have a great day!!!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Killface for President

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to start off by wishing a happy 50th birthday to my dad. That's right, FITTY!!! That's half a century!!! He has seen the 1950's…even if he doesn't remember a damn thing about them. I think he's technically a classic now. Anyway, he's the bestest dad ever and is always there for me when I need somebody to talk football or basketball with, need help with standard car maintenance, somebody to talk to, and you know…he's my dad. Last year I took him to Vegas for a Father's Day thing…so I don't know what to do for him this year (or if my stepmom will let him out of her sight with me again now that he's able to walk without crutches). We'll see. I've got a few months to mull it over. For his birthday though, I guess the best I can do today is sing him Happy Birthday over the phone…in my best Marilyn Monroe. Actually, because of the cold I guess it'd be more Barry White than Marilyn...but whatever. I think he'd appreciate it. Happy birthday dad!!!

I'm also feeling better today…because I know you were concerned. Big thanks to Lilie & her mom for leaving me some advice and fasting on water & juices for 24 hours. I did have a little food…but yeah, it's mostly liquids…and I was starving for lunch at work today. I guess that's a good sign, right? Man cannot live on cranberry juice & Nyquil alone. Oh…and I watched Season 2 of "Frisky Dingo" last night…and made it through the first half of "Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas" before struggling to stay awake…so I figured why fight it & went to bed…alone & trippin' balls. I dreamed that I was on vacation for a week…but was all worried about missing work because stuff had to be done…and that I think I missed my flight…but this trip didn't exist so how did I know I was missing my flight…and there was a panda on the loose…and yeah, just a normal run of the mill dream…with a little extra anxiety. I think there was a midget waiter too…but that might've been the movie. Anyway, happy 50th birthday again Dad!!! Sorry, just have to rub it in while I can.

50 Cent Update - Speaking of things that are 50, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson's new production company, Cheetah Vision, is developing the drama "The Dance" reports Yahoo. The rapper will star as a boxer who goes to a Louisiana state prison and Nicolas Cage plays the founder of the prison's boxing program. Based on the true story of Billy "The Kid" Roth (Cage's character). But back to 50, who also soon stars in the drama/thriller "Streets of Blood" with Val Kilmer, Sharon Stone and the great Michael Biehn. He is currently filming the American remake of French thriller "13 Tzameti" which actually sounds like a pretty cool movie. Why? It's about a naive young man assumes a dead man's identity and finds himself embroiled in an underground world of power, violence, and chance where men gamble behind closed doors on the lives of other men…and stars Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Ray Winstone and Emmanuelle Chiriquí. He ALSO made his directorial debut on the film "Before I Self Destruct" which will be released with his new album in late March. Certainly a busy guy nowadays.

What luck? - A German teenager caught shoplifting tried to dupe police by lying about where he lived...but ended up in even more trouble when the address he gave turned out to be the home of an investigating officer. The 18-year-old from Achim, a town of 30,000 in northern Germany, admitted he had lied when the officer explained that the address belonged to him, said police in nearby Verden. A spokesperson said, "It was complete coincidence. The thief gave that address because he'd once lived in the house. The policeman was the guy who moved in afterwards." I can just imagine the surprise on the kid's face. "Oh yeah, I thought you looked familiar. Did you ever end up repainting the study?" Just be careful who you lie to…or at least have a convincing explanation…or distraction. "Dad, don't you recognize me? I'm your son. I'm come back from the year 2020 with a message." "What? That's impossible." "I know…but you gotta believe me. I know about the videos in the closet, your drinking problem, and everything else (pretty generic guesses) and I have an important message." "My God! What is it son?" "Ich bin Fleidermausman!!!" (poof of a smoke bomb as the 18-year old disappears into the mist of the Black Forest) "Quatsch!!!" By the way, the translation is "I am Batman" in case you were wondering…and "Quatsch" is the equivalent of "That's ridiculous!" according to a German textbook back in high school…but it sounds vulgar…and is pronounced "Kvotsch" or something like that. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Well, since I spent last night tripping balls to "Fear & Loathing to Las Vegas" and I couldn't come up with a good list for Movies to Trip Balls To (though I may one day), I figured that I would do the next best thing…and Filly, you're welcome…

Johnny Depp Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Ed Wood (1994) - It's my list. Deal with it. This Tim Burton film about quite possibly the worst filmmaker in cinema history, the director / writer / producer / actor / caterer Edward J. Wood jr and his adventures making movies during the 1950's…is just fun to watch…at least for me. So many incredible performances by Martin Landau as Bela Lugosi ("PULL THE STRING!!! PULL THE STRING!!!") and Bill Murray as Bunny Breckenridge ("Call Boris Karloff a cocksucker") and the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker and Patricia Arquette. It's just a good time…and my favorite part…is when Ed Wood (Depp) has an idea…and his face just lights up as he looks skyward. We've all been there, right? I make sure to do that…at least twice a day when I have an idea. It gets me through the day. Not a big fan of the belly dancing scene…but I'm sure the ladies love it. If you haven't seen it, go check it out. Now. You'll thank me. Possibly.

Silver - Pirates of the Caribbean (2003) - Only the first one, the other two just got really stupid…but I was incredibly surprised with how good the first one was…seeing as it was based on a lame Disneyland ride. Still waiting for Space Mountain the Movie…or It's a Small World...or the sequel to Captain EO. Anybody else remember that? The original 3D adventure? It's just a good pirate adventure…and you can't not like pirate adventures, where there's swashbuckling, hard R sounds, gallons of rum and more booty than Beyonce & J-Lo combined. Geoffrey Rush is awesome in it too as Barbosa. The two sequels just sucked…but hey, they made money…which is a thousand times better than what "Cutthroat Island" did. You can't hate on that.

Bronze - Don Juan DeMarco (1995) - Again, my list…so deal with it. This is one of my favorite romantic comedies…because it's just a fun movie to watch…and I like to think that I'm as smooth as Don Juan when I want to be…and throw on the Spanish accent. I may not look like Johnny Depp (because they won't let me grow out my goatee at work) but still, I'm charming…and that goes pretty far. Anyway, great movie with Marlon Brando. This just beat out "Edward Scissorhands" (1990), "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" (2003) and just barely beat out "Blow" (2001) mostly because I didn't like the ending…and I would've "misplaced" Penelope Cruz like in the middle of Act Two. Learn from your gangster movies, women always bring you down in the end. See? Now you know why I prefer Don Juan over Blow…because Dr Love is all about the ladies.

Suggestion - Nick of Time (1995) - I'm pretty sure that most of you haven't seen this one…and that's why I suggest it. It's about a CPA (Depp) whose daughter is kidnapped at LA's Union Station by two mysterious people (Christopher Walken & Roma Maffia) and told that in about 90 minutes, he's going to assassinate the Governor of California (not Arnold) or else his daughter will be killed. What does he do? What can he do? Who does he go to for help? Great little flick. That's why I suggest it. Also, I would suggest "Benny & Joon" (1993) for the cool Charlie Chaplin tricks…and he doesn't talk much, "The Ninth Gate" (1999) for dealing with the Devil, "Finding Neverland" (2004) for a heartfelt tale of an eccentric (much like my blog), "Donnie Brasco" (1997) for undercover cop action with Al Pacino, and "The Astronaut's Wife" (1999) for one line - "Yeah, I killed your husband…and then I f**ked his wife." He's just been in a lot of great movies.

Flush It - Charlie & the Chocolate Factory (2005) - It just didn't need to be made. How is it any better than the original? It's not. In fact, I would say that Gene Wilder was a better Willy Wonka. That's right. I said it. Gene Wilder didn't dress like Freddie Mercury…and I like Freddie Mercury. That's all. It was hard to find a movie that I hated that he was in. It was either that…or the original "Nightmare on Elm Street" and there's no way that I'm flushing that horror masterpiece. I mean…the bed ATE him. What's Eating Gilbert Grape? The bed is. My apologies to Tim Burton as well…but at least you guys got paid to make this movie.

Future Watch - Public Enemies (July 1st) - Michael Mann directs the tale of legendary gangsters John Dillinger (Depp), Baby Face Nelson (Stephen Graham?) and Pretty Boy Floyd (Channing Tatum) and how the FBI hunted them…I'm guessing "Heat" meets "The Untouchables" style. Who are the Feds? How about Christian Bale as Melvin Purvis and Billy Crudup as J. Edgar Hoover? Also starring Giovanni Ribisi, Leelee Sobieski and Stephen Dorff. Should be a good one. Also out this year is "The Imaginarium Of Dr Parnassus" (2009) where he and half of Hollywood it seems stepped in to help play Heath Ledger's character after his untimely death. Also gonna admit, I'm excited about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (2010) where Depp's gonna of course play the Mad Hatter (wait for the Batman sequel announcement too) and about "The Rum Diary" (2010) where he's rumored to play author Hunter S. Thompson as he chronicles the adventures of lost souls in the Caribbean bent on self-destruction…but what a way to go. Sounds like "Fear & Loathing" meets "Pirates" so it can't be bad, right? Oh yeah…and on the whole rumor mill there's also the alleged "Sin City 3" (2012?) but I'd settle for Sin City 2 before any of that happens. Damn it Frank Miller, make it happen. It's gonna be great…and you'll make me and most of America happy.

That'll do it for today. We'll see how I feel later if I'm gonna make it to the gym for the first time in a week or so…but I may just pack it in for the night and make sure that I get better. Apparently it's a cold that's been going around the office for a week or so…and it was my turn. Oh well, don't want to waste the weekend being miserable, you know? Maybe I just need to sleep in tomorrow morning and that'll do it. Hope you enjoyed today's entry. Oh...and I may have a Movie Night this weekend because some of my coworkers wanted to see "Saw 5" and it was next on my Netflix (don't judge me) so they wanted to check it out...on the projector with surround sound...and a full bar...for free. How is this so hard to see to these Coloradoans or Coloradoites or whatever they're called? Have a great weekend everybody!!!

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