Basketball's Christmas 2010

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, first & foremost, Zepparella was amazing last night. After a few coworkers decided not to go at the last minute, I decided to just go by myself…because it was going to be awesome…and I’m sure I’d meet a few ladies there…or at least some drunken gentlemen. Well, I was right on both counts. There was a wedding reception going on at the River Ranch Lodge, so the ladies were all dolled up & tipsy…but they also had their respective men by their sides constantly. Still not bad eye candy at all. I also found that my work buddy Pork Chop had also decided to go to the concert alone, so we hung out, had a few drinks (I only had a few early…but more on that later) and just had a great time at the concert. The venue was also the patio of the River Ranch Lodge, so it basically was just along the gorgeous Truckee River just after sunset. You know what? I’m just going to show you the pictures…

Zepparella came out and rocked our socks off for a few hours…and by the end of the concert, Pork Chop was pretty trashed. He had been there about six hours and drank the whole time. He’s a good guy from Brooklyn and a fellow Eagles fan, so it was all good. He’s also lived here in the area for about 18 years…and after last night, he’s drunkenly promised to show me all the great places to meet girls and have fun here. Not bad, right? So the concert’s over, I hadn’t had a drink since 10 PM and I give him a ride home because he lives right by my grocery store on the way back anyway (this was decided a few hours earlier). We’re driving back and I’m following this other car on the highway, just kinda going with the flow of traffic as there was a truck on my ass too. We were speeding a little…which was dumb…but hey, flow of traffic, right? Well, after a few miles, the truck that was on my ass flips on his lights. It was the highway patrol. To be fair, another truck pulled over the car that I was following too. They did it real coordinated like…because hey, I do live in the DUI capital of California as was mentioned to me several times the first night I was here. Sigh… so the fun begins…

I roll down the window, get the license & registration out, Pork Chop’s telling me it’s going to be okay, “Dude, I know. I’m not drunk.” The officer comes up, asks for the info, makes a comment about it smelling like a bar, “Yeah, I’m driving my buddy home here from the concert.” He asks me to step out of the car, quizzes me about what I’ve had to drink & when, writes it all down on a notepad, Pork Chop is talking to another cop…and he’s obviously drunk, then I kid you not, the officer puts me through EIGHT sobriety tests…and I pass them all. How do I know that I passed them? Because he kept giving them to me. Obviously if I failed ONE, I would’ve been thrown in the truck and taken somewhere or given a ticket. He kept giving me these tests…and after about ten minutes, I was just getting frustrated…because I had to pee something fierce, it was brisk, trickling a bit, and I didn’t have a coat on because it’s always warm inside of Gretchen. Then came the big test, which probably should’ve just been pulled out to begin with…but because DUI’s are so disputed in court, they like to have other tests to show impairment. Oh yeah, I’m talking about… “the Breathalyzer” (starring Jean Claude Van Damme). He gives me some speech about how I don’t have to consent to it…but then he basically just puts it in my face and says blow hard. I back up a bit because…hell, I don’t know where it’s been. “Just so you’re aware, telling somebody they don’t have to do it…and then putting it in their face like that, could be construed as misleading.” I know I have nothing to worry about…or do I? So I take the test. He looks at it. Gives me a look and says “You know the legal limit in California is 0.08, which is like having four beer in an hour…and anything over that I have to give you a citation.” “I shouldn’t even be CLOSE to that.” He looks at the Breathalyzer again, then shows me the reading – 0.045, like I said, nothing to worry about…but it doesn’t stop ya from being a little worried. He told me to watch my speed, get my friend home safe (seriously less than half a mile from where we were), and drive safe. I did. Slept like a log for…about four hours until I had to get up for work again. Good times. Please don’t drink & drive, ladies & gentlemen.

Now for the big impersonal news of yesterday, which was the 2010 NBA Draft a.k.a. Basketball’s Christmas. I think this is my 4th edition of reviewing the draft…and I’ve been fairly good with my predictions thus far. DeJuan Blair was the steal of last year’s draft by the Spurs, Greg Oden & Hasheem Thabeet were overrated as all hell, and the list goes on and on…but hey, it’s not an exact science. The draft is all about potential anymore. You can get a college senior who’s about as refined as he’s going to get…or some 19-year old kid who spent about six months on a college campus and can barely communicate thought…but he’s big and can put the ball in the hole sometimes (more on them later). There was also a lot of trades and stuff done to clear salary cap space so that teams could go after a bunch of free agents…so who knows if any of these guys will actually play for the team that drafted them or anything. It was just a weird draft to watch…but luckily after the first round, I had a concert to go to.

I actually read a little article earlier today that kinda tickled me. An ESPN columnist was talking about having watched Robert Pattinson (of “Twilight” fame) in his first real acting gig that was just released on DVD, “Remember Me.” You remember the cheesy romance story one from a few months back? Anyway, he said that Robert Pattinson was a HORRIBLE actor…like laughably bad…and I’ve seen “Twilight” so I obviously believe him. I think he compared it to a hybrid of Keanu Reeves & any athlete cameo on “Entourage” based on his performance. That being said, his wife said something like “At least he’s trying…and he has so much potential.” That’s kinda what the draft has turned into. Picking some guy that you haven’t really seen do much…and giving them millions of dollars based on what they could be if they really try and their work ethic matches their talents. By the way, my prediction, Robert Pattinson is never heard from again after they drag out the “Twilight” movies as long as humanly (vampirely) possible. I mean, they’ve already split the last book into two movies to prolong it. Just like my former doppelganger Daniel Radcliffe with the Harry Potter franchise. Anyway, back to basketball. Here are my thoughts on some key players in the draft…

NBA Draft 2010

1. Washington – John Wall – Guard from Kentucky – The kid’s alright. He’s got all the physical gifts and skills necessary to be a great point guard in this league (even though the Wizards are kind of gutted out since the ridiculous PR scenarios this past year). He’s been under tremendous media scrutiny for years and has handled it pretty well. What I like most about him…is that he’s apparently a pretty smart dude too, went to class & got good grades (granted he was only in college for a few months). I have no problem with him going as the number one pick, especially to a team like the Wizards who could really use somebody with half a noggin. I had my reservations about Derrick Rose when he came out after one year a few years back…and this looks like the exact same thing. We shall see how he does…but yeah, I like this kid.

2. Philadelphia – Evan Turner – Guard from Ohio State – I like this kid too…and after having a back surgery midseason last year…and only missing 6 games or something like that…and went on to be the National Player of the Year, that can only give you more street cred in the hard-nosed city of Philly. He’s versatile, pretty good jumper, decent defender, the only question I have…is he’s pretty much the same kind of player that Andre Igoudala is, right? Maybe a little smaller? So…are they expecting to get rid of him soon? Either way, I think the 76ers are covered at the swingman position. Two are always better than one (unless they start bickering like schoolchildren).

3. New Jersey – Derrick Favors – Forward from Georgia Tech – This guy has been hyped for years, since his high school days in Atlanta. I get it, he’s a physical specimen and can learn to be a dominating post player. However, I thought his teammate Gani Lawal was actually a better player than he was…but Gani fell to the 2nd round where the Suns picked him up (not a bad snag). He just didn’t blow me away at all. I’m sure with the right tutoring (Georgia Tech was kind of a bad program for him…but it was in his hometown and he knew he was only going to be there as long as he absolutely had to) I’m sure he could blossom…and with the Nets willing to do whatever it takes to make a winner & Avery Johnson’s a great coach (and he speaks Favors first language of Southern Gibberish too) he could be a great player…or not. We shall see. The Nets also ended up getting a solid player like Damion James out of Texas in exchange for drafted guard Jordan Crawford out of Xavier with the 27th pick. Who’s he? Remember a few years back the video of some teenager dunking on LeBron at a basketball camp? This is the guy. Other than that, I’ve only seen him play once…and it wasn’t too impressive. Damion though is a great defender, rebounder and had flashes of greatness for the Longhorns. If he makes the team, at least they can say that they did sign a James this off-season if LeBron goes elsewhere. Very good PR move.

4. Minnesota – Wesley Johnson – Forward from Syracuse – After getting a bunch of point guards last year, and facing the challenge of having like 18 players under contract & they want to get the hell outta there, the T-Wolves had an awkward situation going into draft day. The one thing they did have was a couple young big guys (Al Jefferson & my brother from another mother Kevin Love) so they went with a lanky swingman who can pop the three and rebound pretty well. The few Syracuse games I saw, he didn’t really impress me as much as everybody seemed to think about him…but he does have some seasoned skills and should help immediately. I see him as the same kind of player that Corey Brewer was though…without the defensive stopping ability, so I’m skeptical at best. I hope he proves me wrong. My favorite pick by the Wolves though, was Reno-born & bred forward Luke Babbitt at number 16. He’s the best shooting forward in the draft and in his two years at Nevada-Reno, he was the WAC player of the year. Granted that’s not incredibly impressive per se…but he shot something like 55% from the field, 40% from threes & mid-90’s on free throws. I like fundamentals. Sue me.

5. Sacramento – DeMarcus Cousins – Center from Kentucky – I think the Kings made a GREAT pick with Cousins. I really liked his game…and he really can only improve. I also believe that he believes he can handle the pressures of being the face of a franchise (in time). Tyreke Evans at guard, Cousins at the power forward spot & recently acquired Samuel Dalembert as a shot-swatting center with other decent role players make the Kings a theoretically good team of the future. I’m a little confused why they also drafted center Hassan Whiteside out of Marshall at number 33 but as the Lakers have taught us, you can never be too big in the NBA. So really they drafted two high potential projects that could really pay off…but there’s no pressure because they’re the Kings in the they’re the only game in Sac Town. “Oh you don’t like it. Why don’t you take your ass to Oakland and be a Warriors fan?” I like the picks…and am eager to see how they grow.

6. Golden State – Epke Udoh – Center from Baylor – As you may know, I LOVED watching Baylor in the tournament. Udoh was blocking shots and making big buckets, that reserve Acie was shooting nothing but dunks and getting 5-6 a game, and you just have to root for an underdog team that hasn’t won anything since they were shooting at peach baskets pretty much. I’m a big fan of the shot blockers…and Udoh is one of the best in this class…and a great rebounder too, which is exactly what the Warriors need – somebody to grab all those missed shots and provide something that resembles a defense…and luckily he can run the floor pretty well too. It’s really a great fit given that one of his drawbacks is a fairly light frame for a big guy…and he’s undersized at 6-9 to match up with most centers. I really liked this pick and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Are the Warriors still going to suck? Probably…but I don’t think anybody else would’ve really helped them out more in that aspect.

7. Detroit – Greg Monroe – Forward from Georgetown – I was really hoping he’d slip to Utah…but he’s a great fit for Detroit and the kind of inside presence that they desperately need. I kinda see him as a Ben Wallace who can score, which is what everybody wants, right? He’s a good physical player who can really blossom in a fitting system…and that’s really what the draft is about after pick number five, finding the best player for your system (why teams like the Jazz & Spurs have been so good for decades). I also liked their 2nd round pick, point guard Terrico White out of Ole Miss with number 36. He’s a little ball of energy that could work really well in Detroit too.

8. L.A. Clippers – Al-Farouq Aminu – Forward from Wake Forest – The Clippers just seem to be cursed. Period. Last year’s number one overall pick Blake Griffin…will hopefully play his first NBA game in October after having a patella injury sideline him all of last year. That being said, they have the players to at least appear to be a decent team with Baron Davis, young guys like Griffin & Al Thornton, and an All-Star center in Chris Kaman. Why do they still suck? Cursed. Well, new to the curse is a man who is a decent rebounder and scorer at Wake Forest…and I just kinda like saying his name. Another funny thing from that article earlier, is that his name translated to “The Chief has Arrived” which his buddy said “I’m going to scream that name during my next 25 orgasms.” I have to agree. Al FAROOK A-ME-NOOOoooo… Given the curse though, he may be working for Al Qaeda and blow up the Staples Center with Kobe inside and afterwards we’ll all be like “How could we have possibly known?” Granted, I don’t really see that happening…but then again, I wouldn’t be surprised. I hope the Clippers get good. Just so people can realize that there IS another team in LA that plays at the Staples Center in the same league. I think parking is free if you go to a Clippers game whereas it’s standing room only when Kobe’s in town. Oh…and their other pick Willie Warren out of Oklahoma is a pretty good player…but needs a good institution to develop him. He’s probably not going to find it here.

9. Utah – Gordon Hayward – Forward from Butler – Sigh… I saw it fatidic that Gordon would go one pick later. Born & raised in Indiana, college in Indianapolis, JUST lost national championship there, and then drafted by the Indiana Pacers. Seriously, if you would’ve told ANYBODY, even his mother, at the end of the Horizon League championship…that four months from now, Gordon Hayward would be a top-10 pick in the NBA Draft, you would’ve been committed to an institution. But…after a magical three week run in March Madness, an apparently great workout, and finding the right system, voila. Gordon’s going to Slick City to fill a niche on an already good team under the tutelage of coach Jerry Sloan. This kid is living MY f**king dream (granted almost a decade later). Oh well, I’m sure he’ll be great. Then again, I was going to bring this up with Udoh earlier. There’ve been a LOT of players who had great runs in the tournament, were drafted high because of it, and then just sucked in the pros. Miles Simon comes to mind. What? You don’t remember him. Don’t feel bad. Anyway, hope this guys does okay. One thing’s for sure though, the ladies in Slick City are going to love this kid. If somebody like Kyle Korver (aka Ashton Kutcher with down syndrome) can be considered sexy there, this guy’s got it made…and a note of advice, if somebody asks you were you served your mission, just say Indiana. Who cares if your mission was to make it to the NBA and they think you were riding a bike & talking about Joseph Smith for two years?

11. New Orleans (to OKC) – Cole Aldrich – Center from Kansas – Every time I look at this guy, I just think of Greg Ostertag. I know that he can make a shot or two and that was something that Greg could never do…but yeah, it may just be me. Anyway, the Thunder needed some size and they sure got it with this guy. He was drafted by the Hornets then traded to the Thunder in exchange for forward Craig Brackins, pick #21 out of Iowa State and the 26th pick, Quincy Pondexter out of Washington…who I think will be one of the best players to come out of this draft honestly. I like his game. We’ll see how it goes in the Big Easy for him. Anyway, back to Cole. I see him as a decent big guy, not a go-to or anything…and I like that the Thunder also picked up a guard like Eric Bledsoe out of Kentucky with the 18th pick and in the 2nd round, I had never heard of this guy…but he has my favorite name of this year’s draft – “With the 51st pick, the Oklahoma City Thunder select…Magnum Rolle.” That sounds like a street-wise detective who don’t take no guff off’n nobody, Jack!!!

20. San Antonio – James Anderson – Guard from Oklahoma State (not the famous cricketer) – SOOOO glad the Spurs picked up this guy. He’s EXACTLY what they needed (given what was available). He’s a shooter. Pure & simple. You need a three? Bombs away. Somebody to hit those clutch free throws? This guy. He was the Big 12 player of the year…and I think he may turn out to be one of the steals of the draft for the Spurs yet again this year. I don’t care if this guy was picked up by the Clippers or T-Wolves or anything, he can play. Oh…and of course with their other pick, they kept up the international tradition by going for some seven-foot guy named Ryan Richards out of England with the 49th pick. Hope he’s awesome. Never heard of him…but I said the same thing about guys like Emmanuel Ginobili and this one French point guard named Tony Parker when they were drafted…and they turned out pretty good.

29. Orlando – Daniel Orton – Center from Kentucky – Sigh… this is the Robert Pattinson Theory from earlier personified. I’m just going to drop a little nugget on you guys…and tell me if you think this is right. Scottie Reynolds of Villanova was an All-American 1st Team guard this year. He has been a distinguished leader of a few squads that made major tournament runs…and holds a bunch of school records because he stayed for four years and earned a degree. Oh…and the All-American 1st team thing, means that he is one of the 5 BEST players in the country. There are sixty players drafted each year. Yet he was not drafted. Daniel Orton averaged 3 points & 3 rebounds per game, coming off the bench during his one year at Kentucky. One of the greatest moments of my draft viewing yesterday…was when they showed that the man couldn’t even say his own f**king name while trying to introduce himself during a commercial segway shot. Seriously. I’m not making it up. Well, scouts must’ve loved the way that he cheered on his teammates from the bench because he was drafted in the 1st round as a project for possibly backing up Dwight Howard…and Marcin Gortat…so a third-string center…but will be tutored by Patrick Ewing. Why? Does that seem right? Well, like I’ve said for years. You can’t teach height…and he’s a 7-foot, 300-pound man-child with obviously only one way to go. Nothing against Daniel…but I hope he flops. He should’ve stayed in school and gotten himself an edumacation. Who am I kidding? I’d take the money too & never look back. Orlando got back on my good side by drafting a senior forward from UConn in Stanley Robinson with the 59th pick. He had flashes of greatness too…but should make for a great role player in the league.

32. Miami – Dexter Pittman – Center from Texas – The Heat made a few picks that I really liked given that they’ve just been trying to unload contracts so that they could resign Dwyane Wade and get a few new big time free agents, then just fill in the roster after that. Pittman was f**king HUGE when he came into Texas as a freshman. Like…I feared for his life huge. He had some skills though…and has trimmed down to 300 pounds or whatever (yes, that IS trimmed down) so he could be a presence in the paint. I also like the shot-blockers, which is why I like their pick of Mississippi State center Jarvis Varnado at #41. He holds the NCAA career blocked shots record at over five a game for his four years there. Yeah, he’s not the best player…but he’s really just as good as Hasheem Thabeet is…only about six inches shorter. So with a 2nd round pick, you can’t really go wrong, right? Also, I like that they picked up Da’Sean Butler out of West Virginia. Hopefully he recovers completely from that injury during the tournament. Good luck with the free agents!!!

43. L.A. Lakers - Devin Ebanks – Forward from West Virginia – Sigh… I hate to say it…but the Lakers got a good pick with this guy. He plays a lot like Trevor Ariza did for them during their championship run two years ago…and he’s still growing as a player. Son of a b**ch!!!

52. Boston – Luke Harangody – Forward from Notre Dame – If there’s ever a redheaded center (Brian Scalabrine) or an underrated white guy who had a great career at a college whose mascot was Irish…then you can bet that the Boston Celtics are going to draft them. Harangody can score, rebound, play the post as good as anybody out there in the draft field really. However, I don’t wanna be that guy, but there is a bit of a stigma when it comes to taking Caucasian males in the first round. Don’t give me that look. It’s founded on tradition from guys like Todd Fuller, Keith Van Horn, Mark Madsen, Spencer Hawes, Adam Keefe, Adam Morrison, Shawn Bradley, Darko Milicic, Sam Bowie, Eric Montross, Nikolai Tschizvili (or however you spell that guy Denver drafted a few years back), the list goes on & on. Who knows? Maybe Luke will suck in the pros…but I think Boston’s the perfect place for his physical nature and multitude of skills to thrive. In fact, I see him as an All-Rookie 2nd team player next year since Rasheed Wallace is retiring & injuries are always a problem with the Celtics. There. I said it. And don’t think that I won’t bring it up in the future when it comes true. Oh…and their first round pickup of Texas guard Avery Bradley could prove to be huge too…but I honestly didn’t seem him play much his one year. Note: My observations of previous Texas picks like Damion James & Dexter Pittman were off their four-year careers with the program (like back when Kevin Durant was on the team & they were relevant).

A new twist this year! In my hopes of keeping this blog ever-fresh and growing, I’m going to make a prediction for the All-Rookie 1st team based on what I know now…and I’ll compare it at the end of next season to see if I was even close. So here it goes…

Guard – John Wall
Guard – James Anderson
Forward – Evan Turner
Forward – Greg Monroe
Center – DeMarcus Cousins

Wish me luck!!! Oh…and I’m pretty sure John Wall gets Rookie of the Year though I’m not sure how they’re planning on the whole him & Devin Harris being on the same team thing. Well, that’ll do it for today. Had a b**ching concert & Christmas all on the same post…so now I just have to figure out how I’m going to spend my weekend. Maybe I can find something non-alcoholic to do…but it’s always nice to have options. Have a great day everybody!!!

Jeff Goldblum Is Watching You Poop

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not much has happened since yesterday (and the cleavage diving experience) but I did have some wonderful conversations with Bubbles & Lilie. Other than that, just a few movies and a nap. So I guess I'll just start with those...and follow it up with some news. Sound good? Okay, and away we go...

First up was "The Kingdom" starring Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Chris Cooper, Jason Bateman, Jeremy Piven and a host of others...even a cameo from Tim McGraw. It's about the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, the world's largest oil producer...and how they hate Americans...and there's a HUGE terrorist attack at a base that kills and wounds hundreds...so the FBI sends in a team (Foxx, Garner, Cooper, & Bateman) to find out who was behind it. Sounds like a real great comedy, right? I mean...Jamie Foxx & Jason Bateman are in it...and Jeremy Piven. No. You would be wrong. This is not a comedy at all (well, a few jokes thrown in...but not yuck yuck stuff). It's actually a really grim & gruesome & realistic tale about what's going on in the Middle East and how the movie is shot is really good. Kudos to director Peter Berg. If you're into explosion and gritty violence, then maybe this is the movie for you...but it's a drama...not a Bruce Willis flick. There's not going to be any one-liners or anything like that. So you've been warned.

Next was "First Sunday" starring Ice Cube, Tracy Morgan & Katt Williams. Just don't watch it. I'm going to tell you that right at the start. The story is something about two guys who just can't seem to hold jobs because one of these is a clepto (Morgan) and the other (Cube) is...loyal to him? Well, because Cube can't hold a job, his baby mama & his son are moving to Atlanta unless he can get $17,342 in a week. How are they going to get the money? Rob a church. Oh yeah, stay with it. Not done yet. They break in and...you know what, this was actually where I started to fast forward a bit because it wasn't funny, it wasn't really intriguing, you already knew how it was going to end and I just needed to be affirmed. Nothing against Ice Cube movies like "Friday" and "Barbershop". Usually they have their moments and are pretty funny...but not this time. Even Katt Williams was just kind of annoying as the choir director. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. Just pass on this one. That's my advice. Now for the news...

Jeff Goldblum NOT Dead - Amid all the tragedy last Thursday with Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett dying, rumors were flying that a third horrible death had struck Hollywood: Jeff Goldblum. Websites claimed that the star was in New Zealand filming a movie and fell off a cliff. In fact, the actor was alive in Los Angeles. Still, in an age of Twitter, news travels fast and sources are not always correct. Stephen Colbert (jokingly) fell victim to the Goldblum prank, and even when the Jurassic Park star appeared on The Colbert Report to dispel the rumor, the comic didn't believe him. That is, until Goldblum sent a message through the microblogging site. "The dead can Twitter," Colbert pronounced. Later, he says, "I, for one, don't think I could put into words the magnitude of this loss." Then Goldblum asked to give it a shot. "No one will miss Jeff Goldblum more than me. He was not only a friend and a mentor, but he was also, um, me. Jeff Goldblum's performances combined the muscularity of Brando, the pathos of Streep and the musky sensuality of a pride of baboons. One former conquest raved that sleeping with Jeff Goldblum was like—quote—being caught in a flesh storm with a 90 percent chance of satisfaction—unquote. That's verbatim." The actor's Morning Glory costar Harrison Ford, along with George Clooney and Natalie Portman, are also among the list of stars who met an untimely demise at the hands of Internet pranksters in the past week. Additionally, Britney Spears' recent Twitter hacker declared the pop star deceased. Suffice it to say that even with all the tragedy of late, we're thankful to still have Goldblum and friends among us and a great $teve like Mr. Colbert to feed us the laughs...but I'm still a little freaked out by Jeff Goldblum watching me poop.

Sex May Help Sperm - It's like my father told me when I was six years old, "If at first you don't conceive, try try again." Now that witty little line is scientific FACT. For men with fertility problems, some doctors are prescribing a very conventional way to have a baby: more sex. (It couldn't hurt, right?) In a study of 118 Australian men with damaged sperm (horrible wallaby wrangling accidents), doctors found that having sex every day for a week significantly reduced the amount of DNA damage in their patients' sperm. Previous studies have linked better sperm quality to higher pregnancy rates. The research was announced Tuesday at a meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology in Amsterdam. Dr. David Greening of Sydney IVF, a private fertility clinic in Australia, and colleagues looked at 118 men who had damaged sperm. Greening and colleagues told the men to have sex every day for a week (doctor's orders). After seven days, the doctors found that in 81% of the men, there was a 12% decrease in the amount of damaged sperm. Many fertility experts suggest men abstain from sex before their partners have in-vitro fertilization, to try to elevate their sperm counts. Sperm quality can also be improved if men don't smoke, drink moderately, exercise, or get more antioxidants. Since concluding the study, Greening says he now instructs all couples seeking fertility advice to start by having more sex (I wonder if he could be my doctor). "Some of the older men look a little concerned...but the younger ones seem quite happy about it." Experts think sex helps reduce the DNA damage in sperm by getting it out of the body quickly; if sperm is in the body for too long, it has a higher chance of getting damaged. Some experts said that while Greening's research is promising, it doesn't prove that daily sex for men with fertility problems will actually produce more babies (ugh...really? More sex doesn't mean more babies. Are they really doctors?). Greening said he and his colleagues are still analyzing the study data to determine how many women got pregnant. "Looking at sperm DNA is just one part of the puzzle," said Bill Ledger, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Sheffield, who was not connected to the research. "Maybe this will improve pregnancy rates, but we still need to do more studies." Ledger said instructing couples with infertility problems to have more sex could stress their relationship. "This may add even more anxiety and do more harm than good." He said couples shouldn't feel pressured to adjust their sex lives just for the sake of having a baby (ugh...what?). Greening said the study's findings were ultimately very intuitive. "If you want to have a baby, our advice is to do it often." So...this is what doctors do in their free time? They have brilliant discoveries like "Hey everybody, if you wanna have a baby, have sex...and lots of it." Then counter argue, "Uh ugh...there's no way that's possible. Your logic is flawed. Sex doesn't lead to pregnancy." And so on. These are the brilliant minds of our times. The Einsteins of the 21st century. Just something to think about...while you're having more sex with your partner. "You know honey, I wanna thank you for allowing me to improve the health of my swimmers." "Ssssh, wait until the commercial. I'm trying to follow this. Are they on the island? Are they in Hell? Are the writers just making it up as they go along? Speaking of which, are you done yet?"

Bad Writing Contest Winners - A shambling sentence about screaming seafarers on the sturdy whaler Ellie May stood shoulders above the rest in an annual bad writing contest. David McKenzie, 55, of Federal Way, Washington, won the grand prize in San Jose State University's annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest with this:

"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."

The contest, a parody of prose, invites entrants to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. It is named after Victorian writer Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, who opened his 1830 novel "Paul Clifford," with the much-quoted, "It was a dark and stormy night ..." Contest categories include purple prose and vile puns. Among other winners announced Monday were:

• "How best to pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the demonic Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape," from Joe Wyatt of Amarillo, Texas, winner in the adventure category.

• "She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida the pink ones, not the white ones except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't," from Eric Rice of Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, winner in the detective category. Very reminiscent of excerpts from Peter Griffin's erotic novels as narrated by Betty White. So yeah, there you have it ladies & gentlemen. I'm not a winner of the bad writing contest...this year. Apparently this one doesn't have a blog category...and I don't really share my horrible stories with just anyone...only a very special select few...who usually end up laughing hysterically. I still haven't let you guys read my short story romance novel about the Pope, have I? Probably because nobody has asked for it...or already read it a few years back via email. I still think it'd be a great stupid romantic comedy...but whatever. Maybe that's why I'm not in Hollywood. Or maybe I'm just too shy with my craziness...as this blog proves day after day after day after day.

Yao May Not Be MVP This Year Either - I would like to apologize to Yao Ming for possibly jeopardizing his career. You see, a few years ago, I made a bold prediction that he would be the MVP. Inspired by Dirk Nowitzski winning the award, I thought...why not the tallest man in the NBA having a shot at it? Sure, I don't think the tallest man in the NBA has won the award since Chamberlain...but if anybody could pull it off, it's Yao Ming. Right? Well, the next year he missed the last part of the season with a foot injury...then this year, he held out the entire year with the Rockets, just in time to get injured in the playoffs...and now that injury may keep him out for all of next year...and may threaten his career. So basically, my blessing may have destroyed Yao Ming...and for that, I apologize. Not only that...but I apologize to the People's Republic of China for apparently destroying their secret weapon against the American institution of basketball (invented by a Canadian but perfected by Americans). So on that note, I'd like to make another bold prediction - Kobe Bryant will be the MVP this year. Yes, because he is obviously my favorite player...and such a great guy, I think that he will win the Most Valuable Player award next year...as he deserved it in 2008. Not only that, he will rewrite the record books in points per game, assists...and least pieces of femur in a compound fracture during game play. Oh wait, sarcasm doesn't show when you type it out. Okay, I really don't have any ill will towards Kobe at all...other than I just don't like the guy...but hey, he works hard and there's a lot to be said for that...even if he's a cocky prick who cheats on his wife...but hey, which professional athlete isn't, right? Anyway, I hope that your foot heals quickly Yao and you're able to have a long and productive career. I'll pray for ya. Terrell Owens will be MVP of the NFL this year. Write it down. His bones will not shatter in the cold of Buffalo when he's clobbered by a safety...and then mauled by a polar bear that escaped from the zoo. Simply can't happen.

World's Ugliest Dog - Don't know why talking about Terrell Owens brought this up...but a prominent under-bite, scrunched face and floppy ears are the hallmarks of a winner. The winner of the World's Ugliest Dog contest, that is. Pabst (named after the beer whose taste shares his face), a boxer-mix rescued from a shelter by Miles Egstad of Citrus Heights, California, won the annual contest on Friday at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Northern California. It was an upset victory for Pabst, who beat former champion Rascal, a pedigree Chinese Crested. Pabst's owner took home $1,600 in prize money, pet supplies and a modeling contract with House of Dog. Miss Ellie, a blind 15-year-old Chinese Crested Hairless, won the pedigree category.

I'd like to take this last paragraph to thank all of you out there for reading...and letting me know that you're reading...because otherwise it's like I'm talking to myself...and though I'd still do it as consistently as I do in real life, it's good to know that somebody else enjoys my twisted sense of reality. So go ahead, give yourselves a round of applause. You deserve. Actually get up from your computer desk and clap and hoot and/or holla, maybe throw in a whistle or two, you deserve it, you're more than worth it. On that note, have a great day everybody!!!

Basketball's Christmas 2009

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The concert last night was amazing...as far as cultural events go filled with classical masterpieces. Andre Rieu and his Johann Strauss Orchestra really outdid themselves and provided an evening full of a little dignified humor, great music...and for some reason they even threw in "My Heart Will Go On" and that's when I resorted to texting. JL Clyde apparently went to a special presentation of a movie that was so horrible that just checking out the preview for it...made me cringe a bit. It's called "Black Devil Doll" and apparently it's this independent blaxploitation horror flick that's touring around the world (kid you not, it's next stop is LONDON) and...well, just check out the preview if you dare. It's rated NC-17 and I think that's only because they couldn't give it a worse rating. Check it out...if you dare.

Other than that, of course, Basketball's Christmas 2009 Edition was last night with the NBA Draft...and I'm VERY happy with what my Spurs have done over the past few days...but here's a little review (and critique and random thoughts) of what went down last night...and what I believe the future holds for some of these players. Hope you enjoy.

2009 NBA Draft

1. LA Clippers - Blake Griffin (Oklahoma) - Even the Clippers couldn't screw up this pick. Hands down he was the best player in this draft and honestly...at this point, seems like the only one that has the potential to be a great player...though I hope that I'm proved wrong. It's just that the draft now seems to be all about potential instead of current skills because they're drafting teenagers instead of seasoned players in their early twenties. This guy's a great inside scorer, rebounder, even defender, so yeah...as soon as he gets away from the Clippers he could be something great...but as long as he stays there, he'll probably be the victim of some freak accidents like it seems this cursed franchise is destined for...but I hope that streak is changed too. Good luck, Blake!!!

2. Memphis - Hasheem Thabeet (UConn) - You can't teach big...and this guy is 7-foot-3 with the relative wingspan of a f**king condor. He has the potential to be a great shot blocker & rebounder...and as long as they don't try to run the offense through him, they should be fine. He can clean up the boards and put back dunks or something. I see him as a clone of Samuel Dalembert, who plays for the 76ers. Imposing on defense...but let him take the shot and grab the rebound on offense. The major question with him...is that he's as skinny as rail...and he doesn't want to play in Memphis (I have no idea why) but both of those can be handled with one thing...and that's BARBECUE!!! After a year of that sweet Memphis BBQ on Beale Street, the guy will gain about thirty pounds and fall in love with the city (check out some of the sights) and be happy being the big man in town. Get this, Hasheem. You won't even have the pressure of being the biggest star...or having the funniest name...because your new teammate O.J. Mayo takes care of both. Did you know his full name is Ovinton J'Anthony Mayo? Now you do. Enjoy Memphis...and quit being such a whiny b**ch about living the dream. (I despise people who complain about where they get to play ball. It's probably the one reason I would move to Detroit...or Beirut...for $30,000 a year, not the millions that these douches are gonna get)

3. Oklahoma City - James Harden (Arizona State) - Some people were a little surprised by this pick...but they shouldn't be. He was really the third best player in this draft and a great scorer on an average team in college. His offensive skills are unquestioned (except for being a little shorter than the prototype) but it's defense where he's going to have to improve to be a great player. Also takes some of the weight of Kevin Durant's shoulders in running that team. They also drafted one of the best big men in the draft with B.J. Mullens (Ohio State) who has a lot of potential...but is just a young'un so it may take a few years for this team to really turn the corner. They're REALLY bummed that they didn't get the number one pick to get hometown Sooner hero Blake Griffin...but they'll deal with it.

4. Sacramento - Tyreke Evans (Memphis) - Really wanted to stay in Memphis with that number two pick...but yeah, that wasn't going to happen. Sacramento may prove to be a nice fit for him though. he's a big athletic guard who likes to run & score and not play a whole lot of defense...and that's perfect for this team. Okay, he's a better defender than that...but still. He has a lot of potential...but is another one of those one-and-done players, so who really knows. It may take a year or two before he develops into a star. The Kings also got a great big to help him out with Jon Brockman (Washington) in the second round. They still seem to be far away from making the playoffs...but they have a few key players if they can stay healthy.

5. Minnesota - Ricky Rubio (Spain) - I didn't understand why this guy was so hyped. Okay, he's played pro in Spain for a few years and is 18 years old. He played on the Olympic team (allegedly though I don't recall seeing him) and he throws a few behind-the-back passes and they're saying he's the next Pistol Pete Maravich. First off, HOW DARE YOU??? You have to have some BALLS to compare this kid to the Pistol. Maravich broke every single scoring record in NCAA history...and revolutionize the game of basketball. He also did it against the pinnacle of competition. This kid didn't even shoot around against a player in a workout. It was a few one-on-none drills...and nothing too impressive. He also requires a $4-6 million buyout from his Spanish team, he's learning English, he's shy and introverted, and just a host of other things that scream, "Don't waste a lottery pick on this guy." Yet the T'Wolves picked him. They do need a point guard...so maybe they're just hoping this guy blossoms into a fantastic player in a few years...or at least puts some asses in seats in the Great White North.

6. Minnesota - Jonny Flynn (Syracuse) - And then with the next pick, they completely boggle my mind. Another point guard? Do they play on working them out and then trading the lesser of the two? See, that's what happens when little Ricky Rubio won't work out against a player. It's amazing what a lot of mystery, a few video clips and a great manager can do for a nobody that played in Europe. Anyway, Flynn's a pretty good guard. He's a little undersized but plays with a lot of heart, a lot of skill...and has no problem with taking it right to anybody in the lane, no matter how big they are. I like those kind of players. That's how you have to play the game. In the long run, I see Minnesota sticking with Flynn and trying to trade Rubio away. Rubio, at best, may be the next Jason Williams (the fancy passing one).

Side note: Is it just me, or does the name Jason Williams seem to be cursed when it comes to the NBA? Observe. First, there was Jayson Williams who played with the Nets in the 90's and was one of the league's favorite guys. A great role player with a booming, fun-loving personality and a favorite on NBA Inside Stuff (which I watched religiously as a kid). He even battled through knee injuries with just a huge smile on his face. Then he accidentally shot a limo driver while showing off a shotgun...and tried to cover it up...and has managed to stay out of jail...but isn't the ball of passion that he once was. Every time I see him in the courtroom footage, I cry a little inside for seeing that passion die. Be careful with guns out there everybody. It's not just Jayson either. That was followed up by the aforementioned Jason Williams (hereafter referred to as J-Dub) who played high school ball with Randy Moss, college at Florida and then was drafted into the pros and was called the next Pistol Pete. Well, once he realized that the NBA actually plays defense once in a while, his fancy passing turned into turnovers, everybody realized he couldn't shoot, and he was a third string point guard for the Heat when they won the championship a few years ago...but never reached his potential. Not sure what he's doing now. Then there was Jason Williams (went by Jay to try to break this curse) who had an amazing collegiate career with Duke and was taken with the second overall pick by the Bulls in 2002 (only behind Yao Ming) and was on his way to resurrecting the Bulls franchise since Jordan left. Then he got in a motorcycle accident in the offseason...and his career was over. He's a broadcaster now on ESPN but who knows what he could've been as a professional player. He had some major skills and the right attitude...but a major mistake...and it's all over. I hope he goes on to win multiple awards for his broadcasting. He seems like a great guy. They all seemed like great guys (though J-Dub was kind of a West Virginia hillbilly) so it may just be mere coincidence that these horrible events and memories of lackluster careers feel upon these three gentlemen...but then again, everything happens for a reason, right? Who knows the mysteries of the universe? Anyway, back to the draft...

7. Golden State - Stephen Curry (Davidson) - This guy is just an amazing shooter. The son of former outstanding NBA role player Dell Curry, this guy can shoot from anywhere within 40 feet with pinpoint accuracy. He was the nation's leading scorer...while also learning to be a point guard and distribute to his teammates. If he were about three inches taller, there'd be no question that this guy would be a superstar really...but that's not the case, so he's got a lot of question marks. Personally, I think he'll make a great fit at Golden State because they have plenty of ball hungry shooters already...so he can get a lot of practice in distributing the ball...and when they're covered, they can kick it out to him for a three-pointer to spread out the defense. It could be a great fit...as long as they don't expect him to be a 25 point a game scorer. That probably won't happen in the NBA for this guy...but if he can distribute & hit the three when needed, he can have an long, productive career like his dad did.

8. New York - Jordan Hill (Arizona) - Great player. Seemed a little undersized but played hard and has great potential. He can shoot, play D, very quick and athletic for a big guy. I don't really see him as a superstar or anything...but a solid role player at least. I was also really impressed that the Knicks were able to get Toney Douglas (Florida State) in a trade with the Lakers. Douglas is another player that I really like watching during ACC action on ESPN. He's a great shooter, defender and all around player. Again, the only real downside seems to be his stature...but not a bad gamble with a late first round pickup. Hate to say it...but the Knicks may have had the best draft this year. Oh and don't worry, that's not what he looks like gentlemen. I just found it funny that there was another Jordan Hill out there.

10. Milwaukee - Brandon Jennings (Italy) - Okay, I saw this guy play in a McDonald All-American game last year and he was okay. Not amazing, just okay. Originally, he signed a letter of intent for Arizona...but decided to just go pro. Because of the "one-and-done" rule, he couldn't go straight to the NBA from high school...so he went to Rome to play for a year...and played very mediocre. Then during the pre-draft interviews, he called out Ricky Rubio as all hype...which I'll admit was a little warranted, but seeing interviews and stuff with this guy, I don't particularly care for his attitude. That being said, this isn't a game of attitude...and I hear he's supposed to be pretty good. Haven't been able to see him thanks to Italian League games only being played in some parts of Italy...but we shall see. I'm also a little curious why the Bucks drafted Jodie Meeks (Kentucky) for the exact same position in the second round...but hey, they're the Bucks. They haven't been relevant since Lew Alcindor played for them in the early 70's. (By the way, brownie points if you know who Lewis Ferdinand Alcindor, jr is and what classic comedies & kung fu movie he has starred in)

13. Indiana - Tyler Hansbrough (North Carolina) - "Experts" have been giving the Pacers a lot of flack for picking him...and they're kind of warranted because they really needed a point guard more than a forward...but they went with the best player in the draft at this point in my opinion. The same experts were saying that he'd fall to #20 with the Jazz (which would've been awesome) but instead Indiana gets a great rebounder, defender and post scorer who plays with a lot of heart & grit...and sure, this guy may not become a huge megastar...but it's very unlikely that anybody else available. I was REALLY hoping this pick would drop...and I hope that he's the steal. He's a great player with a great attitude...but I can understand that a lot of people are hesitant about the white boy with a great college career (that's right, I said white boy) because of past infractions like Todd Fuller, Mark Madsen, Danny Ferry, Rex Chapman, Adam Keefe, Bryant Reeves, Keith Van Horn, Chris Mihm, and a host of others who were top 10 picks and didn't amount to much...at least until they got into the team's front office and set up championship-caliber teams. So either way, maybe that four-year education will come in handy. Also, the best nickname in the draft with "Psycho T", how can that not be a good sign? (Please forget about Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen)

18. Denver - Ty Lawson (North Carolina) - My opinion...the best point guard in the draft...up until he broke his ankle senior year. That's why he fell this far...but has a great situation on a championship-caliber team in the Nuggets playing backup to Chauncey Billups for a year or two while the ankle heals...and who knows what then? This guy reminds me a lot of Derek Fisher, who may not go into the Hall of Fame...but is a great guy playing a long career.

20. Utah - Eric Maynor (VCU) - Loved watching this guy play with VCU a few games...but may be a little short for the league. Not sure how he works in Jerry Sloan's system...but really the best talent available at the time...and a lot of upside as a scorer on the perimeter and slashing penetrator to create opportunities for others. They also drafted a big guy in Goran Suton (Michigan State) to help out. Had to mention the hometown team.

37. San Antonio - DeJuan Blair (Pittsburgh) - STEAL OF THE DRAFT!!! Great rebounder, inside presence, interior defender, fits in perfectly with a championship caliber team that just added a scorer in Richard Jefferson by trade and was looking to fill in the rebounders that they gave up for him. Perfect situation coming in off the bench to start...and can rebound Manu Ginobili's misses when he's the only offensive option weapon on the court. I can't tell you how excited I am with this pick...and he definite should've been a top 20 pick...but angels were smiling down on the great state of Texas. A lot like Carlos Boozer...just not quite the offensive threat. Undersized a little...but yeah, great pickup for the Spurs...and then they drafted a few unknown foreigners with their other second round picks...including a French guy. Maybe he'll be another Tony Parker...some day.

45. Minnesota - Nick Calathes (Florida) - I really only mention this guy because one of my new coworkers, we'll call him Gator, kept bringing him up. Apparently he went to college...and then decided to leave early to go pro...in Europe. He left his name in the NBA draft...and now can choose between Minnesota (by the way, he's a point guard too...and they just drafted those two earlier...so they'll probably trade him too) or go to Europe. Just an interesting situation where the guy left early to go pro in Europe is all. Apparently Florida wasn't nice enough...so he'll go to Greece or Spain or Italy or something. Not a bad situation, just different. Good luck, Mr. Calathes.

Anyway, that's what I think about the Draft...and of course there are still trades to come and contracts to be signed...so we'll see what happens over the summer...but barring something major, you probably won't hear from me about the NBA until around Halloween when the season starts again. I realize most of you don't care about basketball as much as I do...but these are just my thoughts and I thought I'd keep them down to check later and see if I predicted the busts or surprise players. It's what I do. Oh...and I think I saw something on the news about Michael Jackson & Farrah Fawcett passing away. Don't know if anybody else caught that. Rest in peace y'all. However, on that note, when I'm watching CNN...and it's nothing but them waiting for a coroner's report for six hours...that's not news. "Breaking news: "King of Pop" was major influence on younger artists" or "Lisa Marie: Michael was afraid he'd die like Elvis" Really? Is that breaking news? I'm afraid that I'll die like Elvis...but we all die...some of us on the crapper with a peanut butter & banana sandwich in our hand. That's life. Enjoy it while you got it. What does Obama think? "My condolences to his family. Now if you'll excuse me, Iran is trying to start another war...and I have a job to do."

That'll do it for today. Tomorrow it's the Arts Festival and some fun late night activities, so until then, have a great weekend & enjoy your round-the-clock Jacko coverage. If he comes back in two days, please don't form a religion around him. Peace!!!

Or We Could Just Make Out Or Something

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

How about them conference finals in the NBA playoffs, huh? What? You haven't watched them either. You call yourselves basketball fans? Oh. Well, I do...and I still haven't seen them...but apparently they were great games. Also, my prediction for Blake Griffin going to Oklahoma City, his hometown market was WAY OFF. Apparently he'll instead be going to the #1 Market in all of the United States via the Los Angeles Clippers (who will probably find a way to screw up this pick...and go with the next Michael Olowakandi again). So yeah, I didn't see the big picture in my prediction...and for that, I apologize. I guess I'm not psychic after all...and the NBA Draft Lottery isn't rigged.

The other night, I watched a few great flicks...and first up was "Yes Man" starring the great Sir James Carrey as a man who changes his life by answering yes to every question & opportunity bestowed upon him (otherwise Lord Zod will destroy him through Karma apparently). Along the way, he meets the lovely & kooky Allison (played by the lovely Zooey Deschanel) and they grow close...but then...disaster strikes...in a romantic comedy sense. (Gasp) Anyway, it's a great little funny flick...and I knew that it was going to be great from the intro music being "Separate Ways" by Journey. Anyway, the moral of the story is to be open to opportunity to grow, do fun stuff & meet people...and everything happens for a reason...and Karma comes back around. So yeah, I don't believe in any of that stuff at all...and the only nudity was a series of ass jokes...so this movie was horrible & I wouldn't recommend it to anybody unless they like to laugh a bunch & enjoy the humor of Jim Carrey or the mystical eyes of Zooey Deschanel...or perhaps the casual creepiness of Terence Stamp...or whoever the hell played his boss. That guy was awesome. "You see...what I did there...was I took 'bro' and 'Joseph' and put them together."

What's the best way to follow up a Jim Carrey movie? How about with the Academy Award winner for Best Picture? Okay, maybe not best...but it's what happened. So I finally watched this "Slumdog Millionaire" because I'm a sucker for "realistic" romance movies against all odds...and game shows...and kids playing & living in their own feces. I like the full spectrum of human emotion...and this movie delivers. For those who don't know, this is the story of a young man who grew up in the extreme poverty of Mumbai along with his brother & a girl that they kind of took on as a third musketeer...who turns out to be the love of his life...but life's not always a fairy tale...and so they get separated by the harsh realities of where they live...and then he tries to find her, wherever she may be...and how do you get maximum exposure (even in India)? By getting on TV, preferably a show that everybody watches like "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and if you're on your way to winning a million bucks, ALL your old friends & acquaintances will seek you out. Anyway, I hate to ruin the ending by telling you that Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time...so I'd highly recommend that anybody who likes Love should check this movie out...but be warned, it's pretty harsh at some points (think children in poverty & people who would exploit them...and a little religious & "extreme interrogation" violence).

Also, for those of you who took my little "How Well Do You Know Me?" quiz, it is greatly appreciated...and there were some surprising results on there...and then some now so surprising. The Gold Medal for top score...goes to my Wingman...because he claims that he would've gotten 100% if not for a computer error (and because he's a professional BS'er, I'll believe him) and the Silver Medal goes to France...by which I mean, Lilie for getting 80% (and probably higher if she took it seriously). I give a Bronze Medal to everybody else who played. Why? Because you're not really getting anything except a thank you, some general knowledge about me, and a warm smile. In fact, on that note, you all get PLATINUM Medals dipped in diamonds & kryptonite (just in case Superman decides to turn on us).

One thing you all may know about me...is that I share my dreams, especially the odd ones. Well, last night was another one of those. From what I recall, I was at an amusement park of some sort...and I'm standing in line...and I have my hands full of little souvenirs, some in bags. Now, I get to the actual ride and of course, I have to leave the souvenirs with the highly trained teenage professionals that are helping me load into the ride. So I set the stuff down by the exit, pull the lap bar down, keep my hands & feet inside the car at all times, and enjoy the ride. Now, it's not a roller coaster or anything. More like the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland where you just kind of get taken on a track and into all these different rooms and stuff...and some of the stuff that I'm seeing is quite bizarre and creepy in its own right. Think the Haunted Mansion ride...on acid. Some of you may know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. There are mirror rooms with infinity shots and spinning around in them so you're kind of disoriented...and then the colors of the lights change...then into a dining room where everything is still...but its like skeletons in waiter outfits, wolves climbing the walls, a giant roasted turkey in the middle of the table and at the head of the table...is a burlesque dancer standing with one stiletto on the seat of her chair and the other on the table where her dinner plate should be...and so my eye is naturally fixed on her as I'm about to leave the room...and she morphs into some kind of dragon thing (still in the corset and lunges at me but the door slams shut just in time.

So yeah, crazy stuff like that...and then I reach the end of the ride and exit the car. I start to grab my stuff...but I realize that some things are missing. "Where the rest of my stuff?" This teenage girl in a park outfit says, "Oh we gave some of the stuff to that guy" as she pointed to a homeless man sitting near the exit. The thing was...the stuff that she had given him was a little plastic purse for a two-year old...and the Mystery Machine from Scooby-Doo. Obviously this stuff was intended for my niece Kairi...so this sh*t will not stand. "Hey buddy! Gimme my stuff back." "Nah. That chick gave it to me." "Wasn't hers to give...and besides, what do you want with a little purse & toy van anyway?" "(Sigh) You're right. Sorry bud." "It's all good. Hey, I was just about to get some lunch. Do you want some?" "Sure. Who's the purse for anyway?" "My niece. She may be getting too old for stuff like this...but she'll never be too old for her Uncle $teve." Then the dream ended and I heard birds chirping outside of my window at 4 AM. Sorry for the lack of nudity or any kind of a real story...but hey, there was a burlesque dancer morphing into a dragon. Did your dreams last night have that? Didn't think so.

Anyway, that's it for today. Real quick because I'm considering attending some Conduit activities. Conduit is this comic book convention that's in town...and being a Level 3 Nerd, I enjoy some things...but what really sells it, is the people watching. Tonight is apparently a Mascot Contest / Ice Cream Social...and that just sounds like win-win to me. "Ah, these mascots aren't as cool as I would've thought...but at least they have hot fudge sundaes. Best Conduit ever!!!" Anyway, have a great Memorial Weekend everybody!!! This one's for both of us, BSUWG.