Jeff Goldblum Is Watching You Poop

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not much has happened since yesterday (and the cleavage diving experience) but I did have some wonderful conversations with Bubbles & Lilie. Other than that, just a few movies and a nap. So I guess I'll just start with those...and follow it up with some news. Sound good? Okay, and away we go...

First up was "The Kingdom" starring Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Chris Cooper, Jason Bateman, Jeremy Piven and a host of others...even a cameo from Tim McGraw. It's about the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, the world's largest oil producer...and how they hate Americans...and there's a HUGE terrorist attack at a base that kills and wounds hundreds...so the FBI sends in a team (Foxx, Garner, Cooper, & Bateman) to find out who was behind it. Sounds like a real great comedy, right? I mean...Jamie Foxx & Jason Bateman are in it...and Jeremy Piven. No. You would be wrong. This is not a comedy at all (well, a few jokes thrown in...but not yuck yuck stuff). It's actually a really grim & gruesome & realistic tale about what's going on in the Middle East and how the movie is shot is really good. Kudos to director Peter Berg. If you're into explosion and gritty violence, then maybe this is the movie for you...but it's a drama...not a Bruce Willis flick. There's not going to be any one-liners or anything like that. So you've been warned.

Next was "First Sunday" starring Ice Cube, Tracy Morgan & Katt Williams. Just don't watch it. I'm going to tell you that right at the start. The story is something about two guys who just can't seem to hold jobs because one of these is a clepto (Morgan) and the other (Cube) is...loyal to him? Well, because Cube can't hold a job, his baby mama & his son are moving to Atlanta unless he can get $17,342 in a week. How are they going to get the money? Rob a church. Oh yeah, stay with it. Not done yet. They break in and...you know what, this was actually where I started to fast forward a bit because it wasn't funny, it wasn't really intriguing, you already knew how it was going to end and I just needed to be affirmed. Nothing against Ice Cube movies like "Friday" and "Barbershop". Usually they have their moments and are pretty funny...but not this time. Even Katt Williams was just kind of annoying as the choir director. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. Just pass on this one. That's my advice. Now for the news...

Jeff Goldblum NOT Dead - Amid all the tragedy last Thursday with Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett dying, rumors were flying that a third horrible death had struck Hollywood: Jeff Goldblum. Websites claimed that the star was in New Zealand filming a movie and fell off a cliff. In fact, the actor was alive in Los Angeles. Still, in an age of Twitter, news travels fast and sources are not always correct. Stephen Colbert (jokingly) fell victim to the Goldblum prank, and even when the Jurassic Park star appeared on The Colbert Report to dispel the rumor, the comic didn't believe him. That is, until Goldblum sent a message through the microblogging site. "The dead can Twitter," Colbert pronounced. Later, he says, "I, for one, don't think I could put into words the magnitude of this loss." Then Goldblum asked to give it a shot. "No one will miss Jeff Goldblum more than me. He was not only a friend and a mentor, but he was also, um, me. Jeff Goldblum's performances combined the muscularity of Brando, the pathos of Streep and the musky sensuality of a pride of baboons. One former conquest raved that sleeping with Jeff Goldblum was like—quote—being caught in a flesh storm with a 90 percent chance of satisfaction—unquote. That's verbatim." The actor's Morning Glory costar Harrison Ford, along with George Clooney and Natalie Portman, are also among the list of stars who met an untimely demise at the hands of Internet pranksters in the past week. Additionally, Britney Spears' recent Twitter hacker declared the pop star deceased. Suffice it to say that even with all the tragedy of late, we're thankful to still have Goldblum and friends among us and a great $teve like Mr. Colbert to feed us the laughs...but I'm still a little freaked out by Jeff Goldblum watching me poop.

Sex May Help Sperm - It's like my father told me when I was six years old, "If at first you don't conceive, try try again." Now that witty little line is scientific FACT. For men with fertility problems, some doctors are prescribing a very conventional way to have a baby: more sex. (It couldn't hurt, right?) In a study of 118 Australian men with damaged sperm (horrible wallaby wrangling accidents), doctors found that having sex every day for a week significantly reduced the amount of DNA damage in their patients' sperm. Previous studies have linked better sperm quality to higher pregnancy rates. The research was announced Tuesday at a meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology in Amsterdam. Dr. David Greening of Sydney IVF, a private fertility clinic in Australia, and colleagues looked at 118 men who had damaged sperm. Greening and colleagues told the men to have sex every day for a week (doctor's orders). After seven days, the doctors found that in 81% of the men, there was a 12% decrease in the amount of damaged sperm. Many fertility experts suggest men abstain from sex before their partners have in-vitro fertilization, to try to elevate their sperm counts. Sperm quality can also be improved if men don't smoke, drink moderately, exercise, or get more antioxidants. Since concluding the study, Greening says he now instructs all couples seeking fertility advice to start by having more sex (I wonder if he could be my doctor). "Some of the older men look a little concerned...but the younger ones seem quite happy about it." Experts think sex helps reduce the DNA damage in sperm by getting it out of the body quickly; if sperm is in the body for too long, it has a higher chance of getting damaged. Some experts said that while Greening's research is promising, it doesn't prove that daily sex for men with fertility problems will actually produce more babies (ugh...really? More sex doesn't mean more babies. Are they really doctors?). Greening said he and his colleagues are still analyzing the study data to determine how many women got pregnant. "Looking at sperm DNA is just one part of the puzzle," said Bill Ledger, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Sheffield, who was not connected to the research. "Maybe this will improve pregnancy rates, but we still need to do more studies." Ledger said instructing couples with infertility problems to have more sex could stress their relationship. "This may add even more anxiety and do more harm than good." He said couples shouldn't feel pressured to adjust their sex lives just for the sake of having a baby (ugh...what?). Greening said the study's findings were ultimately very intuitive. "If you want to have a baby, our advice is to do it often." So...this is what doctors do in their free time? They have brilliant discoveries like "Hey everybody, if you wanna have a baby, have sex...and lots of it." Then counter argue, "Uh ugh...there's no way that's possible. Your logic is flawed. Sex doesn't lead to pregnancy." And so on. These are the brilliant minds of our times. The Einsteins of the 21st century. Just something to think about...while you're having more sex with your partner. "You know honey, I wanna thank you for allowing me to improve the health of my swimmers." "Ssssh, wait until the commercial. I'm trying to follow this. Are they on the island? Are they in Hell? Are the writers just making it up as they go along? Speaking of which, are you done yet?"

Bad Writing Contest Winners - A shambling sentence about screaming seafarers on the sturdy whaler Ellie May stood shoulders above the rest in an annual bad writing contest. David McKenzie, 55, of Federal Way, Washington, won the grand prize in San Jose State University's annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest with this:

"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."

The contest, a parody of prose, invites entrants to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. It is named after Victorian writer Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, who opened his 1830 novel "Paul Clifford," with the much-quoted, "It was a dark and stormy night ..." Contest categories include purple prose and vile puns. Among other winners announced Monday were:

• "How best to pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the demonic Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape," from Joe Wyatt of Amarillo, Texas, winner in the adventure category.

• "She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida the pink ones, not the white ones except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't," from Eric Rice of Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, winner in the detective category. Very reminiscent of excerpts from Peter Griffin's erotic novels as narrated by Betty White. So yeah, there you have it ladies & gentlemen. I'm not a winner of the bad writing contest...this year. Apparently this one doesn't have a blog category...and I don't really share my horrible stories with just anyone...only a very special select few...who usually end up laughing hysterically. I still haven't let you guys read my short story romance novel about the Pope, have I? Probably because nobody has asked for it...or already read it a few years back via email. I still think it'd be a great stupid romantic comedy...but whatever. Maybe that's why I'm not in Hollywood. Or maybe I'm just too shy with my craziness...as this blog proves day after day after day after day.

Yao May Not Be MVP This Year Either - I would like to apologize to Yao Ming for possibly jeopardizing his career. You see, a few years ago, I made a bold prediction that he would be the MVP. Inspired by Dirk Nowitzski winning the award, I thought...why not the tallest man in the NBA having a shot at it? Sure, I don't think the tallest man in the NBA has won the award since Chamberlain...but if anybody could pull it off, it's Yao Ming. Right? Well, the next year he missed the last part of the season with a foot injury...then this year, he held out the entire year with the Rockets, just in time to get injured in the playoffs...and now that injury may keep him out for all of next year...and may threaten his career. So basically, my blessing may have destroyed Yao Ming...and for that, I apologize. Not only that...but I apologize to the People's Republic of China for apparently destroying their secret weapon against the American institution of basketball (invented by a Canadian but perfected by Americans). So on that note, I'd like to make another bold prediction - Kobe Bryant will be the MVP this year. Yes, because he is obviously my favorite player...and such a great guy, I think that he will win the Most Valuable Player award next year...as he deserved it in 2008. Not only that, he will rewrite the record books in points per game, assists...and least pieces of femur in a compound fracture during game play. Oh wait, sarcasm doesn't show when you type it out. Okay, I really don't have any ill will towards Kobe at all...other than I just don't like the guy...but hey, he works hard and there's a lot to be said for that...even if he's a cocky prick who cheats on his wife...but hey, which professional athlete isn't, right? Anyway, I hope that your foot heals quickly Yao and you're able to have a long and productive career. I'll pray for ya. Terrell Owens will be MVP of the NFL this year. Write it down. His bones will not shatter in the cold of Buffalo when he's clobbered by a safety...and then mauled by a polar bear that escaped from the zoo. Simply can't happen.

World's Ugliest Dog - Don't know why talking about Terrell Owens brought this up...but a prominent under-bite, scrunched face and floppy ears are the hallmarks of a winner. The winner of the World's Ugliest Dog contest, that is. Pabst (named after the beer whose taste shares his face), a boxer-mix rescued from a shelter by Miles Egstad of Citrus Heights, California, won the annual contest on Friday at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Northern California. It was an upset victory for Pabst, who beat former champion Rascal, a pedigree Chinese Crested. Pabst's owner took home $1,600 in prize money, pet supplies and a modeling contract with House of Dog. Miss Ellie, a blind 15-year-old Chinese Crested Hairless, won the pedigree category.

I'd like to take this last paragraph to thank all of you out there for reading...and letting me know that you're reading...because otherwise it's like I'm talking to myself...and though I'd still do it as consistently as I do in real life, it's good to know that somebody else enjoys my twisted sense of reality. So go ahead, give yourselves a round of applause. You deserve. Actually get up from your computer desk and clap and hoot and/or holla, maybe throw in a whistle or two, you deserve it, you're more than worth it. On that note, have a great day everybody!!!