Friday, October 30, 2009

A Man's Gotta Do What A Man's Gotta Do

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it's Halloween Eve...and the last weekday before Old Hallow's Eve...and so that meant that everybody was dressed up at work...and I was no exception. There were some great costumes including a group deal with the training department as Pac-Man and the Ghouls and Zach Galafinikas in "The Hangover" which was amazingly accurate. We had "The Nightmare Before Christmas" playing on the TVs because...apparently "Halloween" was considered inappropriate. Go figure. So what was I dressed up as, you ask? Was I Chewbacca again? Nope. Couldn't find the costume since I gave it to my mom for storage when I moved to Denver. Was I a King? I have the crown, the regal robe & lion head slippers...but alas I pulled out the robe last night for the first time since I had moved (didn't need it during the summer) and apparently it was used to cushion furniture or something...because it was quite filthy...and too big for my washer. Awesome. So who was I? Well, I love low-maintenance costumes...and JL Clyde had a great idea when we had sushi last night (apparently we're regular customers now). Well, here's some clues. Think of a superhero...who plays second fiddle to the villain. Like me, he's good-looking, strong, arrogant, a little stupid, but has a lovely singing voice and can steal an entire movie with one line. Guesses? Anybody? That's right, CAPTAIN HAMMER!!! "Who?" Captain Hammer...from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. "Really?" Yes really...and the hammer is my penis, so deal with it. I cut out a hammer logo out of construction paper (and quite well I might add), put it over a T-shirt, put on some cargo pants and some black gloves and BOOM!!! It's only fitting being the bastard child of Batman & Wonder Woman, right?
As you might have guessed, this is not me,
this is character actor Nathan Fillion...
but I bear a striking resemblance.
Pictures of me are coming soon to your web...

One of the activities at work was having my tarot cards read. It had been a while since I had my cards read...since my High Priestess Bubbles moved to Vegas about 19 months ago. Well, the results were...interesting. All three cards pulled were Swords...from what I was told stand for Struggle & Animosity. Oddly enough, the first question out of her was "Is there a woman in your life?" ", not really. Why do you ask?" "Well, just this card I drew right here is...usually a pretty bad one for someone in a relationship." "Great, we're starting off with the usual. (Laughter between us)." "Have you felt like you've been struggling a bit or had some kind of struggles over the past few months?" "Yeah, of course. Doesn't everybody?" "But more than usual." "Ugh...I did get laid off after moving to Denver & had to return yeah, maybe." "Let's see, the first card is the Seven of Swords (reading from the book) and it usually means that if you have any future business ventures or adventures...that you may want to wait a while. To do it now would mean a long struggle that would frustrate you." "Hmm, so if I were...hypothetically speaking, thinking about moving to Lake Tahoe for a new job then..." "Then you may want to wait about three months." "Sigh...where were you three months ago when I started this stuff?" "Next is the Knight of Swords. Is there a dark-haired man in your life?" "(Moment of thought) No. I have absolutely no idea who this could be." "Well, basically it's a bit of a warning where this man may try to mislead you and lead you towards future struggles." "Good to know." "Last here is the card that I was asking about earlier, the Queen of Swords. Do you know who this might be? Possibly a dark-haired beautiful woman that you have a friendship with?" "I have a pretty good idea who it might be." "Well, basically this woman is probably not to be trusted. She's prone to gossip & drama...and you shouldn't tell her anything that you don't want everybody to know." "Or conversely, if I wanted everybody to know...then maybe I should tell you know, spread the word, right?" "I guess that's a good way of looking at it...but she's usually prone to trickery...and very calculating & brilliant, yet can be vindictive." "Hmm, I could see that. All good things to know. Thank you priestess lady (who I see in the lunch room once in a while)." So there you go...maybe Lake Tahoe isn't the right move for me...but I still think I'm gonna give it a go. Apparently I also have to watch out for you devilishly hot & clever brunettes...and the man in black. Anyway, here's some more factually based news...

The Apocalypse is My Pants - A man was caught by Norwegian customs carrying a tarantula in his bag, fourteen Royal Pythons and ten Albino Leopard Geckos taped to his body, media reported Monday. The 22-year-old Norwegian was stopped in a routine check by Kristiansand customs after arriving on a ferry from Denmark, newspaper Faedrelandsvennen reported. Customs found the tarantula, before deciding to give him a full body search that revealed 14 stockings -- one for each snake -- taped around his torso. Reptile smuggling is not uncommon in Norway, which prohibits people holding many reptile species as pets, but office manager Helge Breilid at Kristiansand customs was quoted by VG as saying customs officers had been "horrified" by Sunday's catch. "Customs officers quickly realized the man was smuggling animals, because his whole body was in constant motion," Breilid told VG. When the man dropped his pants (oh yeah), the officers found 10 cans taped to his legs, each containing a lizard, he said. The man was still being held by police Monday, Kristiansand police attorney Johann Martin Kile told VG, adding he would be released upon agreeing to pay a 12,500 Norwegian crowns ($2,256) fine. The reptiles were handed over to a security firm until Norwegian authorities decide what to do with them, Breilid said. You know, if I were caught in that situation, I would try to talk my way out of it somehow. "The snakes made me do it. They took control. FOR GOD'S SAKE THEY WERE IN MY PANTS!!! You've seen the gecko on TV. He's quite persuasive. Now imagine TEN of those little bastards running your pants." I would think that of all places in the world for a reptile to live...that Norway would be the worst. I's cold there, right? That's why they have to be imported...because otherwise they wouldn't survive. Anyway, odd story...and it involves snakes...traveling to new countries where they can't naturally go. Beware.

The Real La-Z-Boy - A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to driving his motorized La-Z-Boy chair while drunk. A criminal complaint says 62-year-old Dennis LeRoy Anderson told police he left a bar in the northern Minnesota town of Proctor on his chair after drinking eight or nine beers. Prosecutors say Anderson's blood alcohol content was 0.29, more than three times the legal limit, when he crashed into a parked vehicle in August 2008. He was not seriously injured. Police said the chair was powered by a converted lawnmower and had a stereo and cup holders (nice!). Sixth Judicial District Judge Heather Sweetland stayed 180 days of jail time Monday and ordered two years of probation for Anderson. His attorney, David Keegan, did not immediately return a call for comment. I guess when you have nothing better to do in northern Minnesota, you'll sit around in your recliner and think "How could this possibly get better?" A few weeks later, you'll get arrested for driving your recliner with a two-cycle engine & a grooler into a parked car. Ingenuity - It's what makes America great!!! Who knows? Maybe he'll come out of jail in six months with a new a way of making Old Milwaukee Light out of a toilet. Actually, now that I think about it, they probably are already using that technique.

Robot Seed - Have you ever wondered what engineers do when they get bored? Besides design sexbots? Well, now you know. Aerospace engineers have designed a hovering craft that mimics the spiraling pattern made by maple tree seeds. That's right. Maple seeds. Called RoboSeed NAV (nano air vehicle), the craft has a maximum dimension of less than 4 inches (9.5 cm), making it the world's smallest controllable single-winged rotating aircraft. Other flying craft may be smaller, but they have more than one wing and are symmetrical, according to the engineers who built RoboSeed. The team also built scaled-up versions of their one-winged crafts, which have more maneuverability. The crafts' petite size and weight, along with their hovering ability and quietness make them optimal for several applications, the researchers say, ranging from radio-controlled toys to low- and high-altitude satellites and communications transponders. Winged seeds, or samaras, such as that of the maple tree are considered some of the most efficient passive flyers, and hence have been ogled by many engineers looking to build tiny flying devices. Researchers have only recently figured out though just how nature's helicopters spin. Essentially, a swirling maple seed generates a tornado-like vortex above the front leading edge of the "helicopter," which effectively sucks the wing upward to oppose gravity. Since the 1950s, researchers have been trying to create a stable, unmanned aerial vehicle that could mimic a maple seed's flight...but their attempts have been unsuccessful, typically because of instability (I mean, even the seeds fall to the ground each & every time). Until now, the vehicles have been just a single component, and so the entire craft - wing and propeller - had to twist and turn as one unit. The result was an unstable vehicle that would crash with even a slight nudge from the wind. A team from the University of Maryland's Clark School of Engineering got around this problem by separating the wing from the propeller and electronics package into two attached components. That way the wing could tilt up or down without moving the rest of the vehicle. "We found that it behaved a lot more like a helicopter and it was highly stable even in the presence of wind," said graduate student and study team member Evan Ulrich. The team also tweaked the shape of the wing to match that of a maple seed, where the bulk of the surface area sits toward the tip, away from the center of rotation. "For natural maple seeds, it allows them to fall more slowly," Ulrich told LiveScience. "For ours, it allows it to hover for longer and more stably." Depending on which way a maple seed is tilted it will fall in one of two modes: It either carves out a small helix shape as it falls, essentially spiraling straight down, or it carves out a giant helix shape during descent. "The difference between those two flight patterns is the wing pitch. And so by variation of the wing pitch you can control how big the helix is you're descending in," Ulrich said. That's also how Ulrich and his team control the horizontal direction of the vehicle. By carving out a 160-feet-wide (50 meter) helix, say, the craft would travel pretty far in one direction and with the tilt of the wing, the craft could then descend in a tiny helix. So what're the real future applications? The craft's first non-lab setting may be on the shelves of toy stores as a radio-controlled device, according to Ulrich. That could be months away. But he has high hopes for its scientific applications. For instance, the vehicle can stay aloft for long periods of time without power, and so could be used as a low-altitude satellite. "If you can find in the atmosphere a location where there's a thermal that is equal to or greater than your descent velocity, then you can turn off your motor and hover. It's sort of like getting free energy from the atmosphere. You can remain aloft indefinitely as long as you can stay in one of these thermals." The device could also be used as a transponder to send radio signals from the ground. "With one of these things it's simple and robust enough if you were to put a communications beacon on it a soldier could throw it up in the air and it would climb and relay a message. That's just a few months away. The vehicle is capable of doing these things right now; it can carry a payload, and it can be hand launched, and it's extremely easy to control." Further off, he envisions the device being used for higher-altitude mapping of rooms and even caves. So there you go. Next time you're out in the yard spinning maple leaves like a helicopter, just keep in mind that somebody was doing that 20 years ago...and has found a way to make them into a satellite. Pretty cool, huh?

Texting Gone Wrong - Georgia (the state, not the country) police said a misdialed number led two strangers to trade hostile calls and text messages before arranging a meeting where one shot the other. Savannah-Chatham police spokeswoman Veda Lamar Nichols told the Savannah Morning News in a Wednesday story that a 22-year old man faces an aggravated assault charge. The suspect was jailed after a 24-year-old man was shot in a CVS parking lot around 2:30 a.m. Tuesday. Nichols said the victim was taken to Memorial University Medical Center in serious condition. She said the two didn't know each other but began arguing through phone calls and text messages after a misdialed number and arranged to meet in the store's parking lot. The suspect was taken to the Chatham County jail. Nichols said his vehicle was damaged during the incident. We've all received random texts, right? Every last one of us. Even those of us with no friends. I could see how this might happen. Somebody got a fake phone number from a chick that he was hitting on who wasn't interested in him. So he texts her later...only to find some dude responds with "Who is this?" "This is Mike from last night at the bar." "Sorry Mike, you got the wrong number. I don't do dudes." "Oooh, so you like the ladies. That's hot." "Whatever (slur). Quit texting me." "What? Who are you calling a (slur) (colorful metaphor)?" "You (horrible thing to say in front of children)!!!" "Oh yeah, well meet me at the CVS and say it to my face if you have the fortitude." "What? Why CVS?" "Because I don't want you to bleed to death after I f**king beat your (backside) so a pharmacy would be suitable." "See ya there in 15, trick. Make sure your affairs are in order." And I think you know where it goes from here. Just goes to show...if you get a random text, kindly request who it is...and if they won't tell you or it's somebody you don't know, the conversation is over. Don't get shot over trying to be clever. Keep it to the professionals.

Well, that'll do it for tonight. Have a glorious Halloween Weekend everybody!!!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Did I Fall Asleep?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sorry it's been a while...but I have a pretty good reason. My weekend was pretty awesome. Full of hugs, smiles, junk food, and THREE birthday parties (and another that I had to RSVP No). It started Friday night when JL Clyde came over with her laptop and we watched a few episodes of "Dollhouse", then some of this Simon Pegg show "Spaced" which was okay, and then I somehow got conned into watching an episode of "Glee." Now, I knew going into this...that I wanted nothing to do with it. Musicals, high schools, dancing, teenage drama, just nothing that intrigues me at all (except maybe the cheerleader outfits). Well, it was even worse than I thought it was going to be. Not my cup of tea at all...but luckily it was quickly replaced by images of Eliza Dushku kicking ass in stilettos. Good times.

Saturday, I went to my buddy Isaiah's daughter Seriah's 5th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese...and my brother & his kids were there too. (P.S. My sister-in-law apparently got fired from her job at Wienerschnitzel in the first week & may have the swine flu...and when I was told that, I laughed for about ten minutes straight) Anyway, I played arcade games with the kids and caught up with some of my friends that were there. I even won a few hundred tickets in the games...which was enough to get a few pieces of Laffy Taffy and a bracelet for my niece. What can I say? I know how to pick out jewelry for the ladies. After the party, my brother had to go to work...and my stepdad had to go sleep (he had been up for almost 3 hours) so I was kind of put into a situation as babysitter for a few hours. It was no problem though because the kids were exhausted from the party, so I put them down for a nap...and watched some of the new season of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" on Comcast On-Demand. Good times. Oh...and get this, my camera was as dead as a doornail are some horrible pictures from my cell phone...

After that, we went to my Uncle Dave's 50th birthday party and do you know what's crazier & more annoying than a bunch of kids at a Chuck E. Cheese? A bunch of redneck kids in a room full of balloons. "Hey mom, if you need anything I'll be outside having a smoke." "You don't smoke." "Yeah well...I just need to get out of this room. Right now." After about an hour there, we went up to my mom's to hang out for the night. We watched "Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest" and then went to bed. The next morning, I was again thrown into the position of involuntary babysitter because my mom left early in the morning to set up my niece's birthday party and my stepdad...was into hour 20 of his slumber. It's hard to feel for the man. I know he hurts sometimes with his fibromyalgia...but it's really hard to feel for him when you ask him to do anything and he'll just try to pawn it off on somebody else...or just not do it. I'm not sure how my mom does it...but then again, she's a kind soul like me. Kairi, Vinny & I had fun though...and then we went to her birthday party...and it was awesome. Here are some pictures...
Okay, I know my phone camera sucks...
but you can tell that these balloons for a kid's party
were probably bought at an adult novelty store, right?
I mean...they were even ribbed on the shaft
That murderous evil b**ch of a fairy
Tinker Bell is my niece's favorite

After the party, my brother & I played some Rock Band. Now they have Queen...including the booty anthem "Fat Bottomed Girls" and that's awesome. Then we watched "Monsters vs. Aliens" with the kids...and it was exactly what you would expect from a kids flick. Then it was getting late so I said my goodbyes and went back home to work today. I realize this is really the quick rundown of the weekend & sounds kind of boring...but it really was a lot of fun to spend time with my family & friends. Great weekend.

Monday, I went to work...but that's lame. When I got home though, the Wingman was in instead of watching the Eagles beat the Racists, I hung out with him...and we had fun. Hence why I didn't blog (that and that I didn't really have much to blog about). Tuesday was work again...and again, that was pretty lame...but then that night, instead of the Wingman (who had a sh*tty day thanks to the inequities of the Utah legal system & his b**ch of an ex-wife) taking up my night, my mom was there to hang with. She was in town with work...and wanted nothing more than to hang with her favorite oldest son...and watch "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." Go figure.

Today...was more of the same. At work, our email went down all day Tuesday...and when they got it working again, the first email I got back...was from my old job in Denver. Apparently a certain report hadn't been filed in a while (like 6 months maybe?) and they asked me about it. Luckily it was copied to my former bosses so I didn't have to reply with a " b**ches laid me off 6 months ago, that's why it hasn't been done" or something like that. Thought it was funny. Also thought it was funny that the next email back was from JJ...and informing me that she saw that Sylvia Browne...and Montel Williams were coming to town...and she thought of me (because she knows how I feel about Sylvia). Good times. Also, my mom was here again tonight...but she's asleep & snoring I thought I'd blog real quick...since it's only like 11 at night.

Anyway, that's a quick catchup. Halloween's just around the corner and I still have no idea what to be. I'll figure it out though. Same with Tahoe, no real news other than I asked about it earlier today...and they said they may have an update for me by the end of the week (aka two days from now) so we'll see. Glad to be back. Sorry I haven't had more elaborate or entertaining stories to tell...but I've been hanging with those that I Love. You know how it is. When you're hanging with those that you Love, then it's really only entertaining to you most of the time. Bubbles is coming to town this weekend. Maybe I'll get to see her this time. Have a great day everybody!!!

Friday, October 23, 2009

A Lock of History

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

No update on the job front in the past few days...but hey, I'm still optimistic. The Wingman stopped by on short notice last night and we had dinner at Winger's (they have some pretty good wings) and watched some "Californication" and we've realized that the show's gimmick is David Duchovny having sex with a different hot chick every episode (one episode was questionable, it needed some elaboration because it was an ex-girlfriend from a previous episode) but we're pretty convinced that his contract for that show states that fact and that there must be at least two references to him having a gigantic penis per show. Pretty uneventful evening other than that. The city shuts down after 9 PM and the gentlemen's clubs suck balls (the bad way) here in Utah anyway. Seriously, you get more at a dance club. That's why the drinks are more expensive. Now you know the drill. No need to thank me. Go to Vegas. Also, on a little side note, apparently my Wingman stumbled upon an erotic short story that I wrote one night when I couldn't sleep on my laptop...and he thinks that I might've missed my calling. I may have to look into a little side career as a smut novelist / sex addict like David Duchovny's character...with different neuroses. Anyway, I'll keep you posted on that too. Here's some news...

This Week in Celebrity Hair - A pile of hair believed snipped from Elvis Presley when he joined the U.S. Army in 1958 sold for $18,300 on Sunday, according to a Chicago auction house. The King's hair was one of about 200 items of Elvis memorabilia collected by the late Gary Pepper, who was the president of the Tankers Fan Club set up for Elvis fans. The top price of $62,800 was paid for a cream collared cotton shirt with the monogram EP that came with a magazine showing the King wearing the shirt (or at least one similar, wink wink). It had been expected to sell for between $2,000 and $4,000. A red ultrasuede shirt, which was also expected to sell for between $2,000 and $4,000, and was also believed to have been worn by Elvis sold for $34,000. Chicago-based Leslie Hindman Auctioneers posted the results of the auction on its website, saying the lot of hair sold for $18,300 which topped the expected price of between $8,000 and $12,000. All prices on its website included the buyer's premium. The auction house said the hair was given to Pepper to mail to Presley fans. No DNA test was carried out on the hair but the auctioneer quoted "an expert in celebrity hair authentication," John Reznikoff, saying it matched the Elvis hair he has in his collection (dark & highly stylized?). No details of the winning bidder were immediately available. Elvis died (yes, he did, deal with it) in 1977 at the age of 42. That's right. Over eighteen grand for a lock of hair...that may or may not really be that of the King. That's even more appalling than the fully-loaded Mercedes S-Class for a cotton shirt. At least with that you can wear it and stay warm. I guess when Cloning's a big thing again the hair might come in handy...but until then some Elvis fan just has entirely too much money to spend. I'd hate for this to happen...

Celebrity Hair: Part 2 - A Cleveland museum has learned that what it thought was a lock of hair from aviation heroine Amelia just thread. A group looking for DNA evidence of the pioneer aviator on a Pacific island recently asked the International Women's Air and Space Museum for a sample of the "hair" for comparison. Museum executive director Toni Mullee says an analysis determined the specimen was thread that looked like hair. Mullee says the museum acquired the artifact 20 years ago from the Smithsonian Institution, which had gotten it from a Pennsylvania man. The museum has had it on exhibit next to a book with an anecdote about a White House maid who saved some Earhart hair from a wastebasket. Mullee says the thread will stay on display, with a full explanation. Probably ending with "so...enjoy this piece of string...that may be from a wastebasket in the White House...or from the pocket of a snake oil salesman from Scranton...or it may have something to do with Amelia Earhart. We don't know. It's part of the Mystery that is History." That's like the Elvis fan that bought the lock of hair finding out it's a chimpanzee's ass clippings from a local zoo.

One The Next Episode of Cops - Where's the video footage on this one? Police in Naples are on the lookout for cocaine. Somehow, they lost their stash. A 2-gram packet was discovered missing this summer from a narcotics kit used in training. Two officers lost it in April...but they're unsure where. It could've been the police parking lot...or an airport rental car, but the likely spot was a hotel (yeah, that's where I lose my blow too). The veteran pair checked out the kit to train their police dogs, but the one who usually handles the drugs was called to a scene. By the time she returned, the dogs were energetic and destroying the room (maybe they found something left in the room from the night before?). The officers said they were focusing more on straightening up the hotel room than collecting the drugs, so the bag probably got left. Best part, they weren't reprimanded. Supervisors say it was an honest mistake. just point out a few keys things about this story. What they think SIX MONTHS AGO, this cocaine was lost during a training exercise...and it wasn't realized until just now. Also, only one out of the three cops there was certified to handle it...but that one (mmm, a lady cop) was the person called to a scene...leaving behind two long-time veteran cops (who still weren't certified to handle drugs for whatever reason) with two K-9 a hotel room (or parking lot or rental car) and a few, grams of cocaine...waiting for the lady cop to come back. What exactly were they supposed to do in the meantime? What kind of a call was she called on? And when she did come back, the cops had lost control and the dogs were running things. Needless to say, there's a lot of holes in this story...and sure, it's only two grams...but if it were two kilos, then what? Oopsy? I know if I'm ever found with two grams (not sure why that'd ever happen) then I'm going to try to remember this story. "Maybe it was left in this seedy motel room during a training exercise." "Not likely...but what about this woman you're with? She's obviously a prostitute." "HEY!!! That's my girlfriend...ugh, Carmen you're talking about." "According to her ID, her name is Rachel." "B**ch, you lied to me!!! How could you?" Sigh...why does every story I tell start with something funny...and then end with me being arrested in a motel room with hookers & blow? Not really sure if that's an episode of Cops or Cheaters though. They both have their, so I'm told.

Cheaters Get Whipped? - Most Bruneians want husbands who cheat on their wives to be whipped, according to a recent survey in the Muslim-majority country. The survey, conducted by website brudirect (, found that 76% of 272 respondents said men should be whipped for having affairs, while only 55% said unfaithful wives should receive the same punishment. "The result of the survey is an indication of the pent-up feelings that women harbor against irresponsible men," an unnamed social worker from Brunei was quoted as saying on the website. The oil-rich state of Brunei, located on Borneo Island, has a population of almost 400,000 of which 66% are Muslim. So what do you think? Should unfaithful spouses be physically punished? Just husbands? Just wives? Honestly, in this instance, I don't know if it's just the pent-up feelings that women harbor against irresponsible men...or maybe that women are just evil & unforgiving in matters of the heart. I'm not a Bruneian scientist (at least that I know of). By the way, you know I just wrote that to try to get a response out of you please, don't let me down. You know I love your way...everyday. I'll even start. I personally believe in the sanctity of yeah, I'm down with a little physical punishment for cheaters...but then again, some people pay good money to be whipped. I'll tell ya, one industry that I'm sure hasn't been horribly effected by this economic recession is the Guild Of Domantrixes & Sadomasochists (GODS). I don't know though. What do you think?

In the meantime, on a completely different note, I'm going to spend the weekend with my family and enjoying my niece's 3rd birthday party. I'll be sure to have pictures of the little cutie...and probably her little brother too. It should be awesome. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Turtles In Time

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was an extremely lazy day...but it was a lot of fun too. I spent the morning cleaning my apartment & cooking while listening to some classic Jay-Z, some for the first time in a few years. Good times. I'm sure some of my neighbors were wondering what the hell I was doing rocking out to "Reasonable Doubt" on a Tuesday afternoon...but it was a nice throwback to my early high school days. I also made quite possibly the most delicious lunchtime meal ever made. Have you ever wondered "How can this chili mac & cheese POSSIBLY get any better?" Well, I've found out how. You mix some crumbled blue cheese...and some crispy bacon bits into it. You're welcome. Now go forth and share $teve's Silly Mac with your friends & family. Warning: Though it is INSANELY delicious, the mixture of this meal with a breakfast high in fiber and vegetables can lead to excessive flatulence and perhaps a case of the bubble guts. Now I can't comment on the smell (various nasal injuries over the years) but given the ingredients, I'm assuming it would be at least...earthy. You've been warned.

Another throwback to the childhood days came a little later in the day. I started playing my PS3 when I got a call from my brother. Apparently he & my buddy Isaiah were doing the same...and we decided to play "TMNT: Turtles in Time Re-Shelled" which is classic 1991 arcade game, now in 3-D for the PS3. See, back in the day, the three of spent the good portion of our allowances playing this arcade game...and a good deal of our free time playing ninja turtles in fields with stick weapons and all the cool kids do. So, to be in our mid-to-late twenties and play this game again (from beginning to end) was a fun time...especially with being able to strategize & talk sh*t from a few counties away thanks to new technology like the internet and Bluetooth devices. It was like we were ten years old again...just with stuff like jobs and bills and kids and ex-wives. The plan to rob a bank dressed as them still sounds pretty awesome to me...but yeah, still reserved for the virtual world at this time. Playing the game together was a lot of fun though. After that, I got "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" through Netflix and decided to watch it again, basically give it a second chance...and it still was pretty damn horrible to watch. I basically ended up fast forwarding to the action sequences...and shot with Megan Fox...and that's really about the only way to watch it...and you can get the full experience in less than an hour. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Now here's the news...

BCS Shakeup? - This story is really just ridiculous to me. I'm a huge fan of college football and all...but come on. A senator whose undefeated home state school was bypassed for the college football national championship last season urged President Barack Obama on Wednesday to ask the Justice Department to investigate the Bowl Championship Series, citing Obama's own concerns about the way the top team is crowned in building a case for action. "Mr. President, as you have publicly stated on multiple occasions, the BCS system is in dire need of reform," wrote Utah Senator Orrin Hatch in a 10-page letter to Obama calling for an antitrust probe of the BCS. The Associated Press obtained a copy of the letter (for a nominal fee). Shortly after his election last year, Obama said he was going to "to throw my weight around a little bit" to nudge college football toward a playoff system (he said a lot of things). Obama and Hatch are among the many critics of how the BCS (a complex system of computer rankings and polls that often draws criticism) determines its national champion. Hatch, who held a hearing on the BCS in July, told Obama that a "strong case" can be made that the BCS violates antitrust laws. Under the BCS system, some athletic conferences get automatic bids to participate in top-tier bowl games while others don't, and the automatic bid conferences also get far more of the revenue (and yet, he doesn't understand why they get automatic bids). Hatch's home state school, the University of Utah (GO UTES!!!) is from the Mountain West Conference, which does not get an automatic bid. The school qualified for a bid last season but was bypassed for the national championship despite going undefeated (and the same thing happened four years earlier too). The system "has been designed to limit the number of teams from non-privileged conferences that will play in BCS games," Hatch wrote. Hatch said the BCS arrangement likely violates the Sherman Antitrust Act because, he argued, it constitutes a "contract, combination in the form of trust or otherwise, or conspiracy, in restraint of trade or commerce," quoting from the law. He said the system "artificially limits the number of nationally-relevant bowl games to five. The result is reduced access to revenues and visibility which creates disadvantages to schools in the non-privileged conferences." Hatch is the top Republican on the Senate Judiciary's subcommittee on antitrust, competition policy and consumer rights. The senator said the hundreds of millions of dollars generated by college football "are hardly trivial sums," given that many schools use such revenue to fund things like other athletic programs. The Justice Department said it would review the letter and respond as appropriate. The White House declined to comment (probably because it's a f**king house). The chairman of the BCS Presidential Oversight Committee, Harvey Perlman, said, "Like a majority of presidents, commissioners, athletics directors and coaches, we stand behind the BCS as the best way to identify a national champion." Perlman, who is chancellor of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, noted that 120 schools compete through the season for the opportunity to play in four major bowls and the national championship game. "No effort should be made to take away some of the best traditions of college football, which include the bowl games. Most importantly, our attorneys have done exhaustive reviews over the years, and we are confident that the BCS is in full compliance with the laws of the nation." Alan G. Fishel, an attorney for the Mountain West Conference and Boise State University, backed Hatch's effort. "If the government can look at the concentration of money in railroads, telecommunications and software developers, then why not the big business of college sports in America?" he said. Hatch's letter comes a few days after the BCS released its first standings of the year. And on Monday, a group of college football fans launched the Playoff PAC, with the hope of electing more lawmakers who will pressure the BCS to switch to a playoff system. Several lawmakers have introduced bills this year aimed at forcing a playoff system, but none of the bills has advanced.

Why is this ridiculous? We all know why the BCS is the way that it is. Certain schools & athletic conferences finance the bowl games through corporate sponsorships, boosters and whatever they natural get the vote in how certain things are determined. It's just how it is. Now, anti-trust laws may be broken...but the same laws are being broken when you restrict things like child labor, minimum wages and other aspects of a business or industry. Basically, it's similar to why Big Oil has its political pull...or why we didn't have electric cars until very recently when the market demanded it. Those who have the money & have the political pull can make the rules. The real reason this is ridiculous because there are so many other concerns out there that the government should be focusing on...besides how the champion of one collegiate sport is determined. What should be more important is how we're going to get more kids into college...or make their high schools better...or elementary schools better by using the funding from these college sports. Oh, is that too small potatoes? How about Healthcare? How about this worldwide economic clusterf**k? World Peace? Global warming? The coming Apocalypse? Let's try to focus on the big issues and not get distracted by these kind of things. Senator Hatch, I've got your back. I too believe that the University of Utah was jipped on a chance at TWO National Championships...but I'd happily hand the trophy over to the University of Toronto if it meant I could afford to get sick in my own country. I'm frankly more concerned about being devoured by a f**king anaconda than whether a school gets a trophy saying how awesome they are. That's just me. Let's take care of the big things...and the little things will take care of themselves. Honestly, if we want a fair shake at the National Championship, we have to fill a 100,000 seat stadium every Saturday like some of the other big colleges AND create a fine football product. Time will tell if that'll ever happen. In the meantime, we'll take on the underdog role. Again, go Utes!!!

Music & Exercise - So a mere 25 years after the Walkman came into play, there is some hard-hitting scientific evidence confirming the connection between Music & Jogging. With the Fall marathon season in full swing, thousands of runners are gearing up for the big day. Just as important as their broken-in shoes and heart rate monitor is their source of motivation, inspiration and distraction: their tunes. Running with music has become so common that the two biggest names in both industries, Nike and Apple, have been joined at the hip with the Nike + iPod combination. So, what is it about music and running, or any exercise, that feels so right? Several recent studies try to chase down the connection between our ears and our feet. For the last 20 years, Costas Karageorghis, a sports psychologist at Britain's Brunel University, has been setting the research pace for understanding our need to groove and move. In addition to his lab research, Karageorghis has helped create a half marathon in London that tries to find the perfect music mix of live bands based on his research of human reaction to rhythm. The second annual "Run to the Beat" event was held a few weeks ago with 9,000 laboratory rats, er, runners either enjoying the live music or listening to their own mix of tunes on their MP3. Karageorghis even offered a scientific selection of songs based on his findings (found on the link). According to Kargeorghis, there are four factors that contribute to a song's motivational qualities: Rhythm Response, Musicality, Cultural Impact and Association. The first two are known as "internal" factors as they relate to the music's structure while the second two are "external" factors that reflect how we interpret the music. Rhythm Response is tied to the beats per minute (bpm) of the song and how well it matches either the cadence or the heartbeat of the runner. A song's structure such as its melody and harmony contribute to its Musicality. The external factors consider our musical background and the preferences we have for a certain genre of music and what we have earned to associate with certain songs and artists. Picking the right music can have several benefits. Syncing beats per minute with an exercise pace increases your efficiency. In a recent study, subjects who cycled in time to music found that they required 7% less oxygen to do the same work when compared to music playing in the background. Music can also help block out the little voice in your brain telling you its time to quit. Research shows that this dissociation effect results in a 10% reduction in perceived effort during treadmill running at a moderate intensity. In the current study, published in the Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 30 subjects synchronized their pace to the tempo of the music which was 125 bpm. Before the experiment, a pool of music was rated using a questionnaire tool (the Brunel Music Rating Inventory) which then selected the most motivational pieces for the treadmill test. The subjects were given a choice of either pop or rock music. When compared to a no-music control, the motivational synchronized music led to a 15% improvement in endurance. "The synchronous application of music resulted in much higher endurance while the motivational qualities of the music impacted significantly on the interpretation of fatigue symptoms right up to the point of voluntary exhaustion," Karageorghis reported. Matching the beats per minute of our music with our exercise heart rate also takes an interesting non-linear path, according to research. Karageorghis found that when our hearts are performing at between 30 and 70% of maximum, we prefer a somewhat linear increase from 90 to 120 bpm. However, when we reach our anaerobic threshold between 70 and 80% of maximum, we prefer a jump in rhythm from 120 to 150 bpm. Above 80% of maximum heart rate, a plateau is reached where even faster music is not preferred. Another new study by researchers from Liverpool John Moores University, and detailed online in the Scandinavian Journal of Medicine & Science in Sports, looked at the tempo angle differently. Instead of a mix of different songs at different tempos, they asked a group of cyclists to pedal to the same song over three different trials. What the subjects did not know is that the researchers first played the song at normal speed, but then increased or decreased the speed of the same song by 10 percent. The small change was not enough to be noticed, but it did have an effect on performance. Speeding up the music program increased distance covered/unit time, power and pedal cadence by 2.1%, 3.5% and 0.7%, respectively. Slowing the program produced falls of 3.8%, 9.8% and 5.9%. The researchers concluded that we increase or decrease our work effort and pace to match the tempo of our music. Finding the right beat has now become even easier with a software plug-in tool called Tangerine. By integrating with your iTunes library, it can build a custom playlist based on the BPM range you provide, while arranging the songs in several different tempo shapes including warm-ups and warm-downs. With the right mix, your brain and feet will be in perfect harmony. So get out there & start jogging!!!

Now that I've bored you with science, I'll leave you be for the evening. Tomorrow, maybe I'll have another update on my professional career...but then again, probably not. Have a great day everybody!!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Eagles Pay It Forward

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was a lot of fun. Saturday morning, I had work...but it was okay because I was done by 3 PM and had the rest of the day to be lazy, if I so chose. Saturday night, JL Clyde & I went to the Ingrid Michaelson concert...well, at least to the line. We stood there in a daunting line that wrapped around the block, without tickets, surrounded by teenagers, 90% jailbait (seriously, I think I was the only straight guy there without a wife) and JL Clyde had been sick for the past few days so she was drained. After a while, she just suggested that we bail, go get some gelato & watch some horrible movies...and that we did. We watched "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" and "Tenacious D & the Pick of Destiny" and saved about twenty bucks each. Not a bad day.

Sunday, I started doing a bunch of laundry and what-not...then headed over to my dad's to watch football (congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs on getting their first victory in a full year & making my dad happy). We caught the last quarter of yet another Favrish comeback, then the first half of probably the worst beatdown I've witnessed outside of a video game where the Patriots added a victory against the Titans 59-0 in the snow, then they switched to another game...but it didn't matter which because I was just watching the bottom line score of the Eagles / Raiders game. As any fellow Eagles fan can tell you, it's simply ridiculous that the Eagles lost to the Raiders...but I know the back-story...and am going to share it all with you. Remember the Christmas Miracle last year? Of course you do. Where the Eagles had to win their final game and three other teams had to lose for the Eagles to go to the playoffs? Well, if you remember, the last piece of that puzzle...was the lowly Raiders defeating the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (in another great father-son back-story). So a few hours earlier Sunday, the unexpected happened...and the division rival Chiefs got their first win of the year, the Raiders needed a win to stay out of a tie with them for the worst record in the division. That being the case, they called in a favor from the Eagles, "Hey, we helped you get to the playoffs last year. Can you give us a freebie?" Being an organization of great honor, they agreed...and tried as hard as they could to lose a game to the Raiders...but it was no easy task. You see, the Raiders are absolutely horrible. I mean, dreadful as a franchise. The Eagles played their absolute worst...and still could only give them a four-point lead. It became evident that after the 86-yard Zach Miller touchdown in the first quarter (which the more I look at it seems like the Eagles were really laying on the cheeziness with all of the flagrant missed tackles, I was afraid that the referees would catch on) but even after that, they just couldn't get the Raiders to score more points to make it a respectable game. Apparently it's a difficult task to be a worse football team than the Oakland Raiders...but somehow the Eagles pulled together...and managed to return the favor from last year by keeping the Raiders out of the AFC West cellar. Great job guys. Now just win the rest of your games. I don't think you need to repay any more favors this year. So yeah, the Bears / Falcons game was pretty good too...and I got to hang with my dad & have a steak dinner. That was my weekend. How about yours?

A-Team Movie Update - Who didn't like the A-Team? The group of disavowed mercenaries helping out the helpless...for a price. It's taken them long enough...but Hollywood's now well on the way to making it into a movie (and probably series of movies). They've announced that South African filmmaker turned "District 9" lead actor Sharlto Copley has apparently been offered the role of Capt. "Howling Mad" Murdock in Fox's upcoming "The A-Team" feature film reports Blackfilm. If true and accepted, Copley would take on the role made famous by Dwight Schultz in the 80's series. In that he was a highly skilled helicopter pilot who was officially declared mentally unstable and spent much of the series residing in a psychiatric hospital (though its hinted more than once his insanity is a ruse). Copley would join the already confirmed Liam Neeson ("Taken") playing the leader John "Hannibal" Smith, Bradley Cooper ("The Hangover") playing Lt. Templeton "Faceman" Peck and UFC fighter Quinton "Rampage" Jackson to play Sgt. "B.A." Baracus in the adaptation directed by Joe Carnahan ("Smokin' Aces"). Shooting is already underway in Vancouver for release next Summer. Can't wait to see it.

Wackiest US Attractions - Alliance, Nebraska's automotive replica of England's famed Stonehenge has been named the No. 2 wackiest attraction in America (and only a four-hour road trip from Denver). Carhenge uses old cars painted stone gray to replicate the stone formations found at Stonehenge. Carhenge received the wacky recognition from the travel advice site, TripAdvisor, as part of a list of the nation's ten wackiest attractions. The only attraction deemed wackier than the toilet seat museum in San Antonio that features more than 800 decorated toilet seat lids but no bathroom. Go figure. Also making the Top 10 list are Stone Henge II in Kerrville, Texas & the Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo, Texas (which is basically three Caddys sticking out of the ground). My personal favorites from the list are the House on the Rock in Spring Green, Wisconsin (seen it firsthand and it's awesome), the Museum of Pez Memorabilia just outside of San Francisco & the 17,400 pound ball of twine in Darwin, Minnesota. No go forth and see these crazy things. You deserve a vacation.

Shocking News Out of Detroit - So a pro sports franchise is finally leaving Detroit after a lot of rough years for this city. The interesting thing is...that it's the one team that's had a lot of success over the last decade, the WNBA's Detroit Shock. Yes, the ladies that have won three of the last 7 WNBA championships under the expert coaching of bad boy Bill Laimbeer have announced that are moving their franchise to another city, one with more financial opportunities & a fiery fan base that hasn't been as thoroughly ravaged by the economic downturn of the past few years. That Tulsa, Oklahoma. Last week, a group of investors in Tulsa said they would formally apply to the WNBA to purchase a franchise. Lead investor Bill Cameron has said his group, called Tulsa Pro Hoops LLC, will exercise its option to buy a WNBA team and expected a decision from the league by the end of October with the goal of having a team in Oklahoma next season. Cameron and fellow investor David Box (both Oklahoma City businessmen) announced last month that former Tulsa and Arkansas coach Nolan Richardson would serve as the WNBA team's coach and general manager if Tulsa landed a franchise. A spokesman for Cameron and Box did not immediately return phone messages left Monday, and Richardson didn't immediately return a phone message left at his Arkansas home. The Shock had a lot of success on the court, but not in the stands in a state with four major professional teams along with Michigan and Michigan State athletics. In the 2003 WNBA finals, Detroit did draw 22,076 fans — setting a record for the largest crowd to watch a women's professional basketball game — but most games were sparsely attended with a curtain covering up the upper level of The Palace of Auburn Hills. Tulsa, with about 385,000 people, would be the second-smallest city with a WNBA franchise (after Uncasville, Connecticut). The team would play at the BOK Center, which holds about 18,000 and opened last year. Cameron and Box are members of the ownership group of the Tulsa Talons of arenafootball2. Cameron also is part of the ownership group of the NBA's Oklahoma City Thunder. That group bought the then-Seattle SuperSonics and the WNBA's Seattle Storm in July 2006, but sold the WNBA franchise to Seattle investors before moving the NBA franchise to Oklahoma City last year. The Shock's move would give the state of Oklahoma two professional basketball teams. Why do I mention this? Because somebody has to talk about the WNBA dammit...and I've taken it upon myself. By the way, did you know that the Phoenix Mercury won their second straight championship last week? No, you didn't. Why? Because there's only a few of us out there that Love the ladies like I do...and even fewer still with the financial means to do something about it. I hope the city of Tulsa enjoys their WNBA franchise. I sure miss the Starzz (who are now in San Antonio playing games near the Toilet Museum).

I don't really have a lot else to talk about today. Maybe tomorrow I'll have another fun adventure to share with you...but until then, have a great day everybody!!!

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Hammer Is My Penis

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Still stoked about the recent developments with Lake Tahoe...but trying not to get too excited...because again, it's a position that doesn't exist yet, at an office that didn't call me back for 6 weeks even after they already offered the position I originally applied for to somebody else, but hey...she did want to talk to me in person. That's a fantastic sign, right? I thought so. More immediately though, I'm also excited about an Ingrid Michaelson concert tomorrow just mere blocks from my house. Remember the first time I went to see Ingrid live? Yeah, me too. Mmm... Well, she's back (probably because she forgot to get my number last time) but her loss is my gain...and I get to listen to her sweet whimsical songs like you would hear on a television drama about teenage angst somewhere...and probably have. If her & Feist were to tour together, I just don't know what I would do...well, probably go to the concert obviously...but you get the idea. Should be a great time...and hopefully JL Clyde will feel better. She's been under the weather the past few send some warm wishes her way, would ya?

Last night, I watched "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" starring Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion & Felicia Day...and written & directed by Joss Whedon, the King Midas of great television ("Buffy", "Firefly" & "Dollhouse" among others). Basically it's a 44-minute mini-opera musical that was made during the Writer's Strike about two years ago and posted on his blog as a statement or something I guess. I'm going to be honest, I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to the details of the strike because...well, it wasn't about my paycheck but apparently the internet was still open for expression. The story revolves around a fellow blogging evil genius named Dr Horrible (Harris) who is trying to enter the League of Evil...yet his arch nemesis / superhero Captain Hammer (Fillion) stands in his way. Meanwhile, he also crushes on this hot chick (Day) that he sees at the laundromat (not a billionaire mastermind mogul yet) but can't seem to muster up the courage to talk to her. Well, during one evil mission, he inadvertently introduces her to Captain Hammer, they date...and then it's ON!!! By the way, did I mention it was a musical? Because it is...and you'll be singing along before you know it. I highly recommend it both for its hilarity & towards the end, I actually almost teared up a bit...but then my masculinity kicked in again & I remembered "The Hammer is my Penis" and all was well. Go check it out. Here's a link to the website...and also check out "Commentary! The Musical" where the writers of the show tell you the epic story behind the musical format. Good times. Here's some news...

Boy in the Bubble - So apparently all the crazy stuff happens in Denver AFTER I move back. A 6-year-old boy was found hiding in a cardboard box in his family's garage attic Thursday after being feared aboard a homemade helium balloon that hurtled 50 miles through the sky on live television. The discovery marked a bizarre end to a saga that started when the giant silvery balloon floated away from the family's yard Thursday morning, sparking a frantic rescue operation that involved military helicopters and briefly shut down Denver International Airport. But Sheriff Jim Alderden turned to reporters during a news conference and gave a thumbs up and said 6-year-old Falcon Heene is "at the house." "Apparently he's been there the whole time," he said. The boy's father, Richard Heene, said the family was tinkering with the balloon Thursday and that he scolded Falcon for getting inside a compartment on the craft. He said Falcon's brother had seen him inside the compartment before it took off and that's why they thought he was in there when it launched...but the boy fled to the attic at some point after the scolding and was never in the balloon during its two-hour, 50-mile journey through two counties. "I yelled at him. I'm really sorry I yelled at him," Heene said as he hugged his son during a news conference. His son Falcon said, "I was in the attic and he scared me because he yelled at me. That's why I went in the attic." Richard Heene adamantly denied the notion that the whole thing was a big publicity stunt. "That's horrible after the crap we just went through. No." The flying saucer-like craft tipped precariously at times before gliding to the ground in a field. With the child nowhere in sight, investigators searched the balloon's path. Several people reported seeing something fall from the craft while it was in the air, and yellow crime-scene tape was placed around the home. But in the end, the boy apparently was in the garage the whole time, even as investigators scoured the house and neighborhood for any sign of him. Neighbor Bob Licko, 65, said he was leaving home when he heard commotion in the backyard of the family. He said he saw two boys on the roof with a camera, commenting about their brother. "One of the boys yelled to me that his brother was way up in the air," Licko said. Licko said the boy's mother seemed distraught and that the boy's father was running around the house. The Poudre School District in Fort Collins, where the boys attend, did not have classes for elementary schools Thursday because of a teacher work day. The boys parents are storm chasers who appeared twice in the ABC reality show "Wife Swap," most recently in March. "When the Heene family aren't chasing storms, they devote their time to scientific experiments that include looking for extraterrestrials and building a research-gathering flying saucer to send into the eye of the storm," according to the show. In a 2007 interview with The Denver Post, Richard Heene described becoming a storm chaser after a tornado ripped off a roof where he was working as a contractor and said he once flew a plane around Hurricane Wilma's perimeter in 2005. Pursuing bad weather was a family activity with the children coming along as the father sought evidence to prove his theory that rotating storms create their own magnetic fields. Although Richard said he has no specialized training, they had a computer tracking system in their car and a special motorcycle (that's really all you need, right?). While the balloon was airborne, Colorado Army National Guard sent a UH-58 Kiowa helicopter and was preparing to send a Black Hawk UH-60 to try to rescue the boy, possibly by lowering someone to the balloon. They also were working with pilots of ultralight aircraft on the possibility of putting weights on the homemade craft to weigh it down. It wasn't immediately clear how much the search operation cost. Capt. Troy Brown said the Black Hawk helicopter was in the air for nearly three hours, and the Kiowa helicopter was airborne for about one hour. The Black Hawk costs about $4,600 an hour to fly, and the Kiowa is $700 an hour, Brown said. Col. Chris Petty, one of the pilots aboard the Black Hawk, said he was thrilled the boy was OK. Asked what he would say to the 6-year-old if he saw him, Petty said: "I'm really glad you're alive, I'm very thankful, but I'd sure like to know the rest of the story." Wouldn't we all...especially after the kid saying it was "all for show" this morning on a few interviews. Very fishy. Also, seriously? The kid's Falcon? Really?

Now, we've all done some crazy stuff as kids. In fact, my mom has told me on many occasions a story about when I was about two years old. She was radiantly pregnant with my brother...and I was nowhere to be found. She searched the house. She searched the yard. She searched the creepiest basement in all of the world. She searched the neighborhood. She called my dad who was on duty. She freaked out. She hopped in the car, drove around the city of Og looking for her two-year-son fearing the worst. She returns home, goes in the house and is crying her eyes out waiting for my dad to come home too. I walk in the front door and see her crying. Where had I been the whole time? the back of the car that she was driving around. It was a I was in the back-back, not the backseat. What was I doing there? I don't know. I was two. There apparently were a few other scares when I ended up sleeping under the bed...or in the closet...or wherever...but yeah, kids do that stuff. Stories like this (and worse stuff from when my brother & I got older) are why my brother is concerned with his well he should be...because he was a little hellion...and Vinny is JUST LIKE HIM...and Kairi is a girl, which is even worse (just admit it ladies). However, this story is a little bit fishy. That's all I'm saying. Oh...and keep an eye on your kids...especially if you're swapping wives.

Stunning Your Brother - Since I'm thinking about my brother & the sheer torture that is the future of his parenting life, I think I'll do a smooth transition to the next story...that comes from Ar-Kansas. Authorities said a Vilonia police officer involved in a fracas at a private club in Conway has been taken into custody only after he was Tasered by his own brother...who is a Conway officer. Vilonia officer Jeremy Smith, 32, faces charges of disorderly conduct and public intoxication. Conway police reports say that when Conway officer Lloyd Smith arrived on the scene after midnight Wednesday morning, he found his brother Jeremy resisting arrest by another officer. Lloyd Smith wrote in his report that when his brother continued to "raise his fists as if he was ready to fight, I pointed my Taser at Jeremy and pled with him, 'please don't make me Tase you.'" But Jeremy Smith continued to be uncooperative, according to reports from all three officers on the scene, and was Tasered by his brother, handcuffed and taken to the Faulkner County Jail for 12-hour detox. Classic. Absolutely classic. I can see this being brought up at every family gathering for the next fifty years. "Hey Uncle Jeremy, is that a new tattoo?" "No sweetie, that's where your asshole Uncle Lloyd SHOKED ME!!!" "Dude, you were resisting arrest...and you were totally wasted. I think the only reason that you remember it was me was because of the YouTube video that the guys at the station leaked out." "I'M ON YOUTUBE??? GOD DAMN IT!!!" Then another fracas breaks out all over the turkey dinner. This story really just reminds me of one of the stupidest things I had ever heard in my entire life - "Don't tase me, bro!"

Real Pothead - Police in central Pennsylvania say they've nabbed a real pothead. They said an officer spotted 29-year-old Cesar Lopez inside a convenience store with a bag of marijuana LITERALLY stuck to his forehead. Investigators said Lopez was seen peering inside his baseball cap early Saturday morning in Lebanon, about 75 miles northwest of Philadelphia. When Lopez looked up, the officer noticed a small plastic bag appearing to contain marijuana stuck to his forehead. Police said the officer peeled the bag off Lopez's forehead and placed him under arrest. He has been charged with drug possession. Police do not know whether Lopez has an attorney. Authorities say the sweatband of a baseball cap is a frequent hiding place for drugs. Yeah, just another silly story...and short of having the words "POTHEAD" stamped or tatted on your forehead, this is about as obvious as you're ever going to get.

That'll do it for today. Tomorrow I enjoy the sounds of Ingrid. I'll probably also hear a few stories from Lilie that may or may not be true. See, she tells me that her apartment complex is like an magnet for international superhotties...and apparently she just got a curvy possibly Brazilian neighbor that she's going to introduce me to when I visit next month (pending the whole Tahoe thing). Then again, she refuses to send me she may just be trying to convince me to come the most effective way she knows how. Damn those cunning French ladies! Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Giving Blood - Part 8

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today has just been absolutely strange. Allow me to run you through my day. First, I wake up, get ready for work...and head down to the apartment offices to get in on a 6 month lease because I haven't heard from any jobs out there & everything considered I'm going to be staying here for the next little while. While there I also picked up a package (thus completing my Jay-Z audio collection...except the Unplugged because...really? Do I have to explain that one?). I go to work...and I have a wonderful message from JJ about her upcoming wedding plans. Always good to hear from her. Being in a merry mood, I decided to do a little something for my two-time $tevie-winning drinking buddy Bubbles. See, she LOVES the "I Saw You" personals in the City Weekly...but doesn't get this SLC-based free paper in I copied them on an email and sent them to her. She was was I. The day was going splendidly. I got another email shortly after...FROM TAHOE!!! Apparently Boss Man B had sent an email to possible future Boss Men & Women there...and they were looking into the possibility of a position in my field of expertise...and were asking me the usual questions like salary desired, etc. REALLY? The DAY I sign a lease, you guys finally call me back...after about six weeks of NOTHING? Sigh...that's always the way it is with me. So I'm panicking...because the lease is pretty specific & I'm pretty sure that it's going to end up with me pitching a fit and/or feces in an office somewhere (again) and it's just going to be messy all around if I move. So then I went from stressful to super stressful...

I was Donating Blood again for a company drive...and more importantly, for the kids in dire need of my O-Positive blood across the globe. The worst part was...being a blood the month of October...there were vampires. Also, I thought that one of them might actually be a vampire...because in my experience (of watching movies & TV series) you can always tell who the evil vampire is going to be...because it's usually the really really hot one with the mystical blue (or cat) eyes...and there was one of them at the signup counter. Other than that though, it went without a hitch. The only part even worth mentioning was during the wrap-up when it was all done. "Okay Dr Love, just keep this bandage on for 4-5 hours, no heavy lifting for the rest of the day, drink plenty of fluids for the next few days and here's a paper with an 800-number if anything happens and you don't know what to do. Any questions?" "So wait, I can't even go to the bathroom?" "Yeah you can. Why wouldn't you be able to?" "You said no heavy lifting." (Belly laugh) "Well, as long as you can lift using your left arm you should be fine." "Oh good. Well, I guess that'll be it then. You have my number. Say hi to the kids for me." I was even back working within about 45 minutes...and still stressing a bit about the whole lease / possible move thing. I quickly quelched that by calling the apartments and they can do a month to month...for about 20% more rent. Sigh...this had better work out soon. I even got another email from Tahoe later in the day asking, "If this position opens, would you be interested?" so we'll see if that comes to pass. Oh...and for donating blood, I won a hat in a raffle...from Lake Tahoe. I know. Spooky, right?

THEN I started getting a little email correspondence going with my possible future boss at Tahoe...and eventually she just asked me to call her to discuss the position. Yeah, I know. So I did immediately...and after a quick conversation enjoying...what I think might've been a slight English accent, she told me that she would keep me posted and that she was really looking forward to opening up this position in my field of expertise...and that she's heard nothing but great things about me (Thanks Boss Man B!!!). I don't know how to react to all of this. It's all just a sudden surprise...but I'll probably calm down & rationalize within a few hours like I normally do. Still, I'll have to keep an eye out for apartments again. Sigh...and I'll probably be moving just in time for winter to hit. Oh well, it could be a LOT worse. Anyway, I'll keep you posted. Here's the news...

DaVinci Code - A portrait of a young woman thought to be created by a 19th century German artist and sold two years ago for about $19,000 is now being attributed by art experts to Leonardo da Vinci and valued at more than $150 million (SHAZAM!!!). The unsigned chalk, ink and pencil drawing, known as "La Bella Principessa," was matched to Leonardo via a technique more suited to a crime lab than an art studio — a fingerprint and palm print found on the 13 1/2-inch-by-10-inch work. Peter Paul Biro, a Montreal-based forensic art expert, said the print of an index or middle finger matched a fingerprint found on Leonardo's "St. Jerome" in the Vatican. Technical, stylistic and material composition evidence (including carbon dating) had art experts believing as early as last year that they had found another work by the creator of the "Mona Lisa." The discovery of the fingerprint has them convinced the work was by Leonardo, whose myth and mystery already put him at the center of such best-sellers as "The Da Vinci Code" and "The Lost Symbol." Biro examined multispectral images of the drawing taken by the Lumiere Technology laboratory in Paris, which used a special digital scanner to show successive layers of the work. "Leonardo used his hands liberally and frequently as part of his painting technique. His fingerprints are found on many of his works. I was able to make use of multispectral images to make a little smudge a very readable fingerprint." Alessandro Vezzosi, director of a museum dedicated to Leonardo in the artist's hometown of Vinci, Italy, said Wednesday he was "very happy" to hear about the fingerprint analysis, saying it confirmed his own conclusion that the portrait can be attributed to Leonardo with "reasonable certainty." "For me, it's extraordinary there is confirmation" through the fingerprint, although "it's not like I had any doubt," he said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. Even before the fingerprint discovery, Vezzosi said several experts agreed with his conclusion, which was based on "historical, artistic, stylistic (and) aesthetic" considerations. Based on its style, the portrait has been dated to 1485-1490, placing it at a time when Leonardo (1452-1519) was living in Milan. Canadian-born art collector Peter Silverman bought "La Bella Principessa" (The Beautiful Princess, which on a side note I've often called my mom) at the gallery in New York on behalf of an anonymous Swiss collector in 2007 for about $19,000. New York art dealer Kate Ganz had owned it for about nine years after buying it at auction for a similar price. One London art dealer now says it could be worth more than $150 million. If experts are correct, it will be the first major work by Leonardo to be identified in 100 years. Ganz still doesn't believe it is a Leonardo. "Nothing that I have seen or read in the past two years has changed my mind. I do not believe that this drawing is by Leonardo da Vinci," Ganz told the AP on Wednesday. She declined to comment further (I wouldn't either if I found out that I had lost $150 million). Silverman said he didn't expect Ganz to acknowledge it's a Leonardo because that would damage her credibility, adding that if she wants to "go against science and say the Earth is not round," then that's her prerogative. "Thank God, we have the fingerprint because there will still be those doubting Thomases out there saying it couldn't possibly be and giving all sorts of reasons for it. We not only have a fingerprint, but a palm print." He said the palm print was found in the neck of the portrait's subject, who is believed to be the daughter of a 15th century Milanese duke. Biro said the two main ideas to emerge from the news are the discovery of "an important lost work by Leonardo," and how "science, technology, scholars and art historians are learning to work together to solve these incredibly complex puzzles." Yeah, that's the story here. Not the $150 million painting that somebody sold for less than a fully equipped Ford Escort. I just thought that I'd share this with you because...hey, it'd be cool if it were a DaVinci work. Why not? Now it's just a matter of finding this picture will bring about the doom of Man through theological mysteries. What is the symbolism of the hair braid? Is it the Serpent from the Garden of Eden? Wait, that's the mark of the Free Masons in the ruffles on her shoulder. My GOD!!! P.S. I've never seen "DaVinci Code" or "Angels & Demons" nor do I ever plan to. Just throwing that out there.

Lavigne's Divine Divorce - Court records show Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce (she was married?) from her musician husband (OH!!! One of those) after three years of marriage. Lavigne filed for divorce from Sum 41 singer Deryck Jason Whibley on Friday in Los Angeles. The couple were married in July 2006 and have no children together (thank God, could you imagine not only the child...but the ridiculous name possibilities of the offspring of Avril & Deryck? Avryck? Derril? Punkin?). Lavigne cited "irreconcilable differences." (Basically she was making money...and he hasn't for a while) The 25-year-old punk-pop singer burst to fame with her 2002 debut album "Let's Go." Lavigne is asking a ruling to block Whibley from receiving spousal support (See?). Best part: Court records show Whibley was granted a request to add Lavigne's last name to his name in December 2007. That's right, HE took on HER name. Isn't that sweet? Gee, nobody could've seen this coming. It's impossible to predict that some pseudo-punk-pop princess would divorce her rocker husband who burst onto the scene with a single entitled "FAT LIP"!!! Great song by the way. Oh well, I just wanted to share that with you...for the celebrity gossip, silly names & most importantly...a dude taking on the wife's name...and then getting dropped. Ouch! Sorry playa. You'll be okay though. I'm sure you're still collecting some royalties from the "All Killer No Filler" album...and you banged Avril Lavigne. There's only like...a few people I know that can say that.

Government Mandated 2nd Honeymoon - Divorce rates are at an all-time high. Some say it's because of the lowered standards...or tax benefits...or the mixture of Vegas & alcohol...but regardless of the cause, the effects are evident. Families torn apart, the legal system tied up with meaningless bullspit, far too many tears being shed & gun being fired into crowds. If only there was a solution. Well, for the first time in a long time, we can thank the Muslims for a great idea (that might've been a low blow...but you bombed my peeps) and it might've helped Avril & Deryck. Malaysia's eastern state of Terengganu is offering free honeymoons worth up to $440 each to rekindle the romance between married couples on the brink of divorce. The honeymoon package comes with some counseling and is an attempt to slow soaring divorce rates in the state, according to The Star newspaper reported on Monday. "We can understand newlyweds having problems understanding one another, where a slight skirmish could lead to a separation but it is unacceptable for those married more than two decades to file for divorce," the paper quoted Terengganu Welfare Community Development and Women Affairs committee chairman, Ashaari Idris, as saying. The conservative Muslim state did not disclose divorce rates (probably less than 1%). Idris said the state had carried out a successful pilot project where 25 couples facing marital woes were selected for three-day honeymoon package that cost around 1,500 ringgit ($440) per couple. Malaysia is a predominantly Muslim country. Under Islam, divorce is allowed, but frowned upon, with the Prophet Mohammed saying divorce was, in the eyes of God, the most distasteful lawful act (that's right, FAR WORSE than suicide bombing apparently). Regardless of where the idea came from, I think it's a great idea. Is your marriage on the skids? Has the fiery passion of your Love been reduced to a warming glow of a lava lamp? Well, how about a weekend getaway to San Diego? Miami? New England? Oh wait, if it's going to be around $440 per couple...then you might have to settle for the beautiful sandy beaches of Mississippi...but Filly can confirm that they do exist...and are rather nice. She told me so yesterday. I wouldn't recommend Vegas for this kind of a trip...but hey, if that's where you guys hooked up, then maybe the volcano show at the Mirage will help spark that Passion again. It's worth a shot...and a LOT cheaper than counseling and/or a divorce lawyer. Just keep it in mind...and Barack, once this Healthcare thing is taken care of, let's get to work on this too, okay?

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'm really in a staggered state at this point. This morning, I was basically at a point where moving to Lake Tahoe was kind of an afterthought and pushed aside...but then within a few hours, I went from signing a lease to stay in Slick City until my birthday to getting ready to start packing for a quick move to another mountain town because Boss Man B hooked me up once again. I guess it really isn't what you know but who you know in this game after all. My mind is just going a thousand miles a minute right now...but I'm sure I'll think it all through & get it straightened out. I don't want to get too excited about it all...seeing as technically, there isn't a job yet...and I would still be going up against the 12% unemployment of Cali, plus plenty of others who would be interested in this job (even a few good friends) so we shall see how it goes...but I think it's a good sign that she has already called to talk to me, right? Don't I have a good reason to be excited about this again? Cheese & Rice, it's just like this time last year. Almost EXACTLY like last year. What is it about the month of October seriously rocking my world the past few years? Sigh...I'll keep you all posted. Have a great day everybody!!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The End Shall Come With A Hiss

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'm in a pretty damn good mood right now. I hate to jinx it...but I just wanted to share it with you all...because I know I've been a little less perky than you're probably accustomed to being religious readers of my blog for the past two years or so. It's just been an odd little situation the past few months were I haven't really known what my future holds more than...a few days in advance...and it's somewhat unsettling. Plus you through in the Jerry Springer drama (minus the midgets) that is my brother's life...and living solo in my apartment...sometimes it just wears on me a bit. Luckily, I have a lot of great friends all over the nation that like to keep tabs on me via text & phone calls...and a wonderful family that I live within an hour's drive if I need to chill with someone...and my job is actually a lot of fun & a great place to grow...and then start over...and grow again. Who knows? Maybe I just need a good make out session & I'll be back on my peak game but in the meantime, I'm doing pretty damn good today. I even had my latest managerial training class and it was pretty awesome. It was about relationships & the way that others see you. Yeah, nothing major...but I may have a budding work relationship with one of the ladies in the class...but I don't wanna get my hopes up...and let's face it, I'm pretty good eye candy. Who wouldn't want to talk to me? Especially if I'm in a suit looking all GQ cover? Anyway, here's the news...

American Wife-Carrying - This honestly should be an Olympic sport by 2020 but I'll leave that up to the politicians at the IOC. A Maine couple has taken the crown in the North American Wife Carrying Championship over a course that featured a muddy water hole and two log obstacles. Dave and Lacey Castro of Lewiston came in first among 41 teams to win Saturday's competition at Sunday River ski resort in Newry. They covered the 278-yard course in 54.45 seconds. For their effort, besides being known as the greatest wife-carrier duo in North America, what else do they win? The couple won 97-pound Lacey Castro's weight in beer and five times her weight in cash or $485. How's that for a prize? Teams from 11 states competed in the 10th annual race in which a man has to carry a woman (or vice versa) over an obstacle course. As the North American champs, the Castros are eligible to compete in the world championships in Finland next July (and this year's were documented on my blog...because I think this is a great competition). Tell me that you wouldn't watch this. Okay, then imagine a Celebrity Wife-Carrying competition. You'd watch that wouldn't ya? Forget that whole dancing with the D-list or whatever, you want to see The Rock see if he can carry his wife through an obstacle course faster than Shawne Merriman can carry Tila Tequila (granted I know they're not married...but I'm just hoping that he drops her along the way. Anybody with me on that?) It'd work. If not on one of the real networks, I'm sure that somebody that works for Fox has been stealing my ideas for years. Make it happen. Today, the Friday night death slot on Fox. Tomorrow, Sweden vs. Estonia in the Olympic relay. Holy crap, that's an even better idea. Wives being passed like batons between burly Eastern Europeans...and maybe a Samoan underdog. This could revolutionize co-ed sports. Patent pending.

Ninja Update - Police in Vernon, Connecticut said they arrested a man who was dressed as a ninja and waving nunchucks while yelling about wanting to beat up U.S. Senator Joe Lieberman (we've all been there). The man, 30, was charged Sunday with breach of peace. Police said he was brought to Rockville General Hospital for a psychiatric evaluation and later released. Authorities said they received several emergency calls about the man, who witnesses say was standing at the corner of Route 83 and Regan Road at about 11 a.m. Officers said they pulled out bean bag and taser guns, and the man became polite and cooperative. The man couldn't be reached Monday. He has no public phone listing, and it's not clear whether he has a lawyer...or a master of some sort. Obviously nothing major about this story. It just mentioned ninjas and it's a little too early to be Halloween I shared. Ninja vanish!!! (Poof of smoke)

Apocalypse Update - Leave it to the United States government to be about a year behind in their research & still not really doing anything about it other than a general warning. According to recent reports, there are five species of foreign snakes just waiting to eat you. More troublingly, according to a U.S. Geological Survey report released Tuesday, nonnative snakes like the Burmese python could slither their way north from the warm, humid conditions of South Florida. The big snakes threaten native species and ecosystems because they mature and reproduce quickly, travel long distances and can eat almost anything in fur, feathers or scales, experts say. The 302-page report could be a step toward a ban on importing constrictor-like snakes into the U.S., said Ken Warren, spokesman for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's South Florida office. The FWC will now evaluate the report and seek public comment before recommending such a ban. "In many aspects, the report confirms what we already knew: that these snakes are a problem and that they do pose some risk," Warren said. The report analyzed nine kinds of snakes. Five — Burmese pythons, northern and southern African pythons, boa constrictors and yellow anacondas — are of "high risk" to the ecosystems of the U.S., especially in Florida. That's right, I said ANACONDAS!!! Four others — the reticulated python, Deschauensee's anaconda, green anaconda and Beni anaconda — are considered medium risk to ecosystems. That's right, MORE ANACONDAS!!! Scientists are already studying where Burmese pythons can survive in the U.S. Seven are being studied in a natural enclosure in South Carolina to see if the tropical natives can live through colder winters. The number of invasive pythons in South Florida and throughout Everglades National Park has exploded in the past decade to potentially tens of thousands, though wildlife officials aren't sure exactly how many are out there. Scientists believe pet owners have freed their snakes into the wild once they became too big to keep. They also think some Burmese pythons may have escaped in 1992 from pet shops battered by Hurricane Andrew and have been reproducing ever since. Officials say the constrictors can produce up to 100 eggs at a time. Dr. Robert Reed, a research biologist with the U.S. geological survey, said everything from small wood storks, alligators and bobcats have been found in the stomachs of dead pythons. Reed said the native animals of Florida aren't used to living near super-predatory snakes, and in time, entire wildlife populations could be wiped out. "The fear is that something will happen akin to the situation with brown tree snakes on Guam. There, within 40 years of arrival, the snakes wiped out 10 of 12 bird species on island." Reed was quick to point out that these free-range snakes pose a "minuscule" threat to people. "All of the known fatalities involving giant snakes are from pet snakes, and usually to the owners," he said. In July, an 8-foot pet python strangled a toddler in Central Florida. Officials have tried to crack down on the invasive species; this summer, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission announced that the state would allow a few permitted snake experts to begin hunting, trapping and killing the nonnative pythons in an effort to eradicate them. Hunting the snakes is not allowed in Everglades National Park. Between January 1st and October 5th, some 270 Burmese pythons have been removed from the park. "It's just very difficult to eradicate them," said Linda Friar, a park spokeswoman. "The snakes are very difficult to locate." Ugh...and they survived what the dinosaurs couldn't. Thank you scientists. now that the government is telling us that there may be a problem...and not to this is usually the time that we need to panic. Now, it's been a while since I've read Revelations...but I'm pretty sure there there were earthquakes, tidal waves, chaos...and GIANT SNAKES EVERYWHERE!!! Maybe there is something to this 2012 thing. Maybe that's when the ANACONDAS will outnumber the humans in the world. The signs are there, the data is there, we need to fight back...and I hear that snake is quite delicious. You could probably eat an anaconda for a month...and that's not including the alligator or bobcat or deer or whatever might be within it. Perhaps they will be like...a post-apocalyptic Kinderegg, with a special surprise inside. All I know is...we need to fight back...before it's too late. There's too many mother f**kin' snakes in this mother f**kin' glade...and we need to send Samuel L. in there to get it taken care of...and a bunch of his buddies for backup...because you never know when he's going to get snatched up by a supersmart great white shark in some illogical manner while giving a speech. It's happened before. Sigh...enough of this. I'm tired of spilling my case to a government who will sit back and bureaucratize when things need to be done. I'm changing the subject for a moment.

Megan Fox Update - American actress & now officially GLOBAL superhottie Megan Fox will strip down to her underwear for Giorgio Armani's Emporio Armani fashion brand, the Italian design house said on Wednesday. Fox, who starred in the "Transformers" films, follows in the footsteps of "Posh Spice" Victoria Beckham who along with her soccer-playing husband David heads the Emporio Armani autumn/winter underwear campaign. The actress will also be the new official worldwide face for Armani Jeans for next year (mmm...face, jeans, I like where this is going...) Armani said in a statement the soon-to-be unveiled adverts were shot by photographers Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott at the weekend in Lost Angeles. The duo also took the Beckhams' underwear ad pictures. Last week, the Milan-based fashion house said Portuguese footballer Cristiano Ronaldo would replace David Beckham as the new sports model for Emporio Armani's men's underwear. So now you all have something to look forward to. Instead of Posh, you get the her underwear. Here's a sneak preview...
Oh wait, it's Armani...
so it'll probably be more like this

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Not much else to blab on about. Even if so, it wouldn't be that entertaining. I'm just glad that my family's back together with Kairi and they're happen. What more could a man ask for? Hmm, maybe a trip to Vegas soon. I need to be rejuvenated. "But $teve, you just went to Lake Tahoe. WTF?" You're right...but mind your own business. I guess I'll more than likely be going to LA next maybe that'll work too. Lilie has promised to hook me up with an Adriana Lima look-alike that she met at a bar...since the real one is allegedly married to the man that I've proven is less compatible than me...but whatever, that'll be nice. I probably won't even have to learn Portuguese. Have a great day everybody!!!

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