Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It seems that I FINALLY have internet once again. “But $teve, weren’t you supposed to have it like…over a month ago?” Yes, yes I was. However, we had a lovely little snowstorm come through that dumped for over 24 hours…and apparently the cable/internet guy & the gas man cancelled on me. Luckily, I had the day off from work (because I worked a Saturday) but couldn’t do too many errands because everybody was having a snow day. However, I was able to get a “smog test” done on my new Jeep, Gretchen…and when I went to the DMV (located in a strip mall next to a video store & a Chinese restaurant here in Truckee) they told me that I needed more stuff from the dealer…so that went nowhere. Basically, you haven’t missed much in my life other than being super busy at work with opening our new office…and then being involved in a giant circle jerk involving my bank, my insurance company, the car dealership, the DMV, the electric company (sans Morgan Freeman), the gas company, the cable/internet provider, and of course…my HR department…because apparently I wronged them at some time years ago & they’ve been trying to get back at me ever since…no matter where I go. That all being said, I’m still in stellar spirits because…it’s just incredible here…and now I’m down to trying to get my Jeep registered (still) and theoretically I may have television at some time in the future. That’s right, I STILL don’t have TV…and it’s not for a lack of trying.

Christmas was fan-freakin’-tastic!!! For those of you who I didn’t run into, I was able to step away from the office for a few days to go back to Utah to be with the family…and Kairi was there…and even Bubbles & Lilie were in town…and the Wingmans came to visit…but I’ll elaborate more on that in another post…because it’s New Year’s Eve…and that can only mean one thing…

The 2009 $tevies

Back by popular demand, it's the 3rd Annual $tevie Awards…with your host, $teve. Based on something sent to my MySpace account a few years back. Once again, just because you're not mentioned in the $tevies doesn't mean that I don't care about you. It's simply some stupid stuff that I threw together to kind of sum up the year…and feel free to check out the numerous links to past entries to keep yourself entertained & reminisce about the year that was. So without further ado, this year's winners are...

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: Bubbles - Three-time winner of this award & with that, you’re inducted as the first member of the $tevie Hall of Fame. New Year’s Eve was…well, I remember most of it, a trip to the emergency room in July, a giant random gaping hole in my jeans last month, good times. An honorable mention goes to JL Clyde, who was there when I moved back to Utah and we share a bond over Rum & Coke Slurpees…and pretentious beer. Then again, living between two microbreweries & a liquor store on top of my stocked bar, who needs a buddy to get sh*t faced, right? P.S. There’s a microbrewery two blocks from my new home here in Truckee…so the saga continues. Who will be next year’s drinking buddy?

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): Isaihia - Another three-time winner & inductee to the Hall of Fame. Haven’t seen him much this past year but he’s living the married life again and watching 49ers games for some reason. Honorable mention here goes to his little brother Spitsofrantic who's been a friend just about as long. Now over twenty full years. Dang.

NEWCOMER AWARD: K-Fish – Apparently I reinstilled her faith in both text messaging and men in general…but she really helped get me through some of those tedious work days when I went back to Utah. Perhaps next year, my roommate will be a Newcomer Award winner…but we shall see. Congratulations K-Fish!!!

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: TAHOE!!! – This was definitely a year of peaks & valleys…quite literally…all across the western United States. Started off living in Denver, then moved back home to Utah after being let go, then after about four months of pestering Big Boss B and several of my new bosses, I was offered employment here in Lake Tahoe to enjoy the splendor. There were many high points this year of a more immediate gratification like New Year’s in Vegas with Bubbles, Mardi Gras with Filly, Belle, Sunset and the Krewes, the magnificent Road Trip in April across California with my mom, aunt, cousin, Lilie & the Wingmans, even Going Back Home for the summer was a blessing in disguise of unemployment. I got to see the niece & nephew more, hang with my mom & dad more readily, meet up with some of my readers like JL Clyde, Bone Junior & the Mad Scientist, learn a new job within the same company, meet some new people & basically just had a lot of fun. This year has been amazing…despite all the obstacles along the way.

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Attack of the Crack Whore – I could be really selfish and say it was the Day of Infamy 2 when I was let go in Denver…but looking back, the only thing that I REALLY miss was my apartment on the 34th floor and hanging with my cousin from time to time. Who knew it would turn out to be a good thing at the time & now I’m in Lake Tahoe? Far & away though, the low point has been the continuing Jerry Springer drama that is my crack whore ex-sister-in-law & her kidnapping of my beloved niece Kairi…on multiple occasions. The latest involved this crazy b**ch running off to another state with my niece & her pedophile boyfriend…to be with her sister (who I never knew existed) and her father who molested her…and of course there’s a legal battle going on…but you know how those go…and in the State of Utah, the mother has absolute power absolutely…no matter how ill-fit she is. Luckily for both of us, I’ve only had to see that c**t once this year…and neither of us wanted to talk. I’m hoping that some good comes out of here too…but I’m not holding my breath. However, even this low point led to…

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas – Another regular award-winner. This year was great because this last week I met up with just about everybody. Even Bubbles & Lilie were in town and we were able to hang out…and the Wingmans came to visit me in Tahoe. I even got some fantastic presents…but the best of all was merely the presence of my darling niece who made it back just in time for the holidays and we had oodles of fun. It was truly a great week to be me…and I thank you all for making my life so incredible. Without you, I’d be living in a frozen hell with nothing to do but work & shiver…with nobody to talk to, being the main difference. Seriously though, I love y’all madly.

SONG FOR 2009: “On To The Next One” by Jay-Z – I had to go with the only new CD that I bought this year, “The Blueprint 3” and this was the best track…and so fitting for my year of nomadic behavior across I-80 West. Jigga always makes the list when he drops an album. Big thanks to Bubbles for turning me onto the Kings of Leon when I visited around New Year’s, but that means they would’ve been last year’s winner with “Sex on Fire” and their album. Other than that, I haven’t really listened to the radio or anything like that this year. But…I did get to see Smokey Robinson this year…and shake hands with the Bacon Brothers. That’s right, I’m officially one degree of Kevin Bacon. That makes you all two degrees or less.

MOVIE FOR 2009: Inglorious Basterds – Always a pleasure to watch Quentin Tarantino at work…and this time he paired up with a HUGE star…and the posters are right, “Brad Pitt is a Basterd.” Where the hell does this guy get off being so perfect? Oh yeah, inside of Angelina. That’s right. Anyway, the movie was great though…not historically correct, involving a LOT of subtitles, and really the biggest star other than Mister Pitt is who? The director of Hostel? The temp from the Office? Helen of Troy? That German guy who is in a bunch of action movies? What’s his name? The one French chick that was in…what has she been in? Regardless, great flick. Go check it out. So glad that I got it for Christmas…and then I got “Jennifer’s Body” for me. Don’t judge me. Sure there were a lot of other great flicks…but it’s really hard to top Tarantino. Or Megan Fox (so I hear…but if the guy from 90210 can do it…)

VIDEO GAME FOR 2009: Rock Band 2? – I honestly haven’t really played a lot of video games this year…obviously since this one came out last year. I hear from my brother that Assassin’s Creed 2 might be my kind of game…but I have yet to play it, so I can’t confirm. Wait, I think Rock Band’s a three-time winner now…so another Hall of Fame Inductee.

TV SHOW FOR 2009: Dollhouse – Somebody has to give this show an award…and since it’s going to be cancelled in a few weeks, I’ll take that duty upon myself. Yes ladies & gentlemen, it’s the greatest show on television that you’re not watching (nor is anybody else in America without a computer). Not just a sci-fi show about beautiful people (like Eliza Dushku) that are programmed to do morally flexible (and usually violent and/or sexy) things, but also a look into the very soul of Man and the decisions that we make…and what makes us human. Joss Whedon is a f**king genius storyteller and I’m bummed that he keeps getting horrible timeslots…but hey, that’s why they make the DVDs. Also, I’m a fan of other TV shows that I’ve only recently caught up on like Supernatural, Dexter, Mad Men, Chuck and of course the usual gaggle of adult cartoons & It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: My Cousin – We spent Valentine’s alone together…and had a few drinks at a bar & reminisced about music back in the day. Yeah, not romantic or anything…but pretty typical for Single Awareness Day. A few days later, I went to Mardi Gras for a week.

BEST RELATIONSHIP: N/A – It’s kinda sad that probably the best relationship I’ve had this year was with moving companies. Kinda difficult to get your swerve on when you’re constantly in a state of packed…but hey, I’m settled in Truckee now & I don’t plan on moving for a while. Maybe I can convince some lady to let me slip inside of her that isn’t Gretchen (my Jeep).

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: Captain Hammer – Tape: $1, Construction paper: $5, Gloves: $8, Having the superpower to tell everybody that “The Hammer is my penis”: Priceless

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Restaurant 162 at The Ritz-Carlton, Laguna Niguel – Quite possibly the best hamburger I’ve ever had and a seafood buffet that is simply unparalleled in both scope & price. Yeah, bring your checkbook…but it’s amazing…and has a fantastic view of the ocean at sunset. An honorable mention goes to In-n-Out Burger for just existing now within 30 minutes of where I live.

BOOK OF THE YEAR: “96 Ways to Talk to Anyone” by Leil Lowndes - Sh*t, I forgot to read this year… Well, that’s not entirely true. I did read the books that Bubbles got for me last year but they were “Dirty, Filthy Jokes” and “200 Places You Must See” (I think I had been to 24 or so thus far) but this one was from…I think my stepmom. It’s helped a little bit…but like I mentioned before, a lot of it I already knew…and it didn’t help me get laid. Wanna win the Book of the Year $tevie? Write something that directly satisfies me in a carnal way. That is your challenge. I’m tired of writing my own erotica…no matter how amazing it is.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Bugging the f**k out of Tahoe – Again with the tenacity to just keep trying no matter what the hell is going on came through in the end for me…and now I get to continue my career of the past decade in a new mountain resort town with a giant lake and that’s smack in the middle of Reno, San Francisco, Slick City, Vegas, LA and just about everywhere else I’d look to road trip to…if I get bored of being in pristine oasis. It just goes to show, if at first you don’t succeed, just keep pushing that rock up the hill like Sisyphus…with the crows picking at your organs, your body exhausted, the weight of the rock resting on your shoulders, just keep pushing. That’s why this whole circle jerk about getting my car registered & utilities set up hasn’t really worn on me…because it’ll get done…or they just won’t get my money.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Live Each Day – So two years ago, I had no idea my peeps would spread like wildfire over the globe. In this last year, it’s really been nothing but change, constant & consistent. Now I’m hopefully settled a bit & can make the Martis Valley and surrounding area my new home. Basically, I still just want to live each day greatly and have fun with this new wonderful experience, meet new people, try new things and keep in touch with my loved ones. Simple plans, right? Yeah, just like they were last year.

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Mechanical Bull? – You know, I’d like to think it was a stupid idea…but it was a lot of f**king fun. I’m only saying it because I lost my phone for a few weeks & that was awkward. I’m actually kind of proud to say that I haven’t made a lot of stupid drunken decisions this year. I’ve been quite responsible. Maybe taking Bubbles to the hospital a little sooner in July would’ve been better…but the only reason that I didn’t was because she insisted…and I can’t blame her, I hate hospitals too. Damn it, now I want to ride a mechanical bull again. I wonder if they have a place around here…

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: Mailing Address – I guess that would technically be biggest changes of the year. Yeah, definitely a year of changes…but I think it’s just catching up after being in the same place for so long before. Now I’m in California (Nevada County, CA just to be confusing) a stone’s throw from where the Donner Party…well, ended. Just a big year of changes and it seems like that’s all I’ve been doing for a while is adapting. Whether it’s learning new surroundings, setting up residency & utilities there, my family changing every day, my niece & nephew getting bigger by the hour, friends moving all over the place, getting married, having kids of their own, losing jobs, moving to get jobs, getting sick or hurt, major changes all over the place…but hey, that’s the one constant, right? It’s all quite exciting. Frustrating at times…but exciting none the less.

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: The Crack Whore – I don’t even want to talk about her again. May she rot in Tucson.


  • Travel more...or at least as much – And looking for apartments while I’m there

  • Find a good girl who likes me too – Again, not of a sexual nature

  • Have more sex...preferably with a woman nearby - Sigh...

  • Pursue another part-time job...maybe as a late night radio DJ - I’m thinking Handsome Companion

  • Play more basketball. I miss our times together – Played basketball once since April…and destroyed my big toenail doing it. Still love that b**ch…

  • Give more to charity & donate time, blood, plasma, sperm, hair, feces, whatever they'll take - Blood & Time

  • Dance more...preferably with a woman nearby – I think salsa dancing with Belle during Mardi Gras was it

  • Swear less (now that my nieces & nephews are getting spongier) – They ain’t learning it from me

  • Should I swear off Mountain Dew? - A lot less Mountain Dew, that's for sure

  • Nah, maybe just eat healthier...or cook more – Definitely cooking more

  • Remember JJ – She’s getting married y’all…in case you didn’t know

  • Smack more asses (a.k.a. More forward with the opposite sex) - I've smacked a few asses this year…and had them returned

  • Drive my Baby more – Apparently she hasn’t been moved since this time last year

  • Most importantly, make sure everybody out there knows how much I love & care for them - You all know, right?


  • Make Denver my new home – F**k Denver!!!

  • Find that Love I've been looking for – Ugh, f**k Denver???

  • Progress in my job & learn everything about the industry – I’ve learned THREE jobs this year. YAY!!!

  • Don't Settle for Mediocrity – Well, Tahoe is beyond mediocre, that’s for sure

  • Learn another language (Spanish or Mandarin…to go along with English & German) – Yeah, never happened

  • Renew my Passport…and use it – Renewed but not used…yet

  • Get my body ripped…like Jesus – Sigh…it was pretty nice in April…still okay

  • Movie Nights with neighbors and new friends in Denver – (clear throat) F**K…DENVER!!!

  • Play in a Recreational Basketball League – Already investigating possibilities with coworkers here in Truckee

  • Make sure everybody out there knows how much I love & care for them STILL!!!


  • Make the Truckee / Tahoe / Reno area my new home (jinx)

  • Live Frugally, Yet Well

  • Stay in Touch

  • Birthday Roadtrip

  • Progress in my Career, Not Just Settle for What’s Given

  • Basically all the stuff I said in previous years that I haven’t yet done

So that's basically it for today. I may do an awards show for the DECADE that was...but yeah, we'll see. I'll also catch you up on pictures & stuff soon but...yeah, things are difficult here in small town Cali when it comes to utilities. Luckily it makes up for it in being exciting, new & beautiful. Now if I could just find somebody to share it all with. Have a happy new year everybody!!! May your 2010 be far better than 2009 or any year before.

Friday, December 25, 2009

It's a REAL Christmas Miracle

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

And a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings, Hooray for Hannukah, Colossal Kwanza and Slaphappy Soltice or whatever you're celebrating this week, month, year. As I type this I'm having a great time petting my mom's cat Princess with my favorite niece in the whole wide world, Kairi. Why? Because of a Christmas Miracle.

First off, I want to apologize for not doing a damn thing on this blog for what now, three weeks? Trust me, it's not really my it's only a kind of apology. Thank the great circle that is utility establishment in small town California for not setting up my internet connection, nor my cable, and the post office for losing my paperwork for registering Gretchen. So yeah, I've been kind of busy...and I pinky swear promise to catch you all up later with pictures and maybe a fun story or two...but in the meantime, here's a superquick catchup.

The new job is awesome. The new apartment is awesome. The roommate is awesome. The new method of transportation is awesome. The weather is actually even pretty awesome... considering that I live where the Donner Party decided to go all cannibal a few years back. The Wingmans came to visit just before I was able to fly back for the holidays and thanks to the legal system final working, after many months of what would seem even to the most untrained of eyes as a simple open & shut case of paternal responsibility, I get to spend the holidays with pretty much ALL of my friends & family...including my niece Kairi who was basically kidnapped two days before I moved to Lake Tahoe. She just got back on Tuesday...and we've been having a wonderful Christmas since. I've even been able to spend time already with my mom, dad, brother, niece nephew, stepsiblings, cousins, Bubbles and later on I'll be meeting up with JL Clyde, the Mad Scientist, Lilie, and all the former coworkers for sushi & hijinx.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a nice who's trying to play with me because as she said last night, "I missed you Unko $teve." So again, happy holidays everybody...and may your 2010's be even better than your 2009's. I love you all madly. Travel safe & enjoy all the precious moments with those that you love.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Nooorthern California Where the Girls Are Warm

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, It's been a while since I've been able to bless you with my presence virtually...but rest assured that I should be getting internet (and cable and gas and my new car registered and a California driver's license) officially tomorrow, so that should help tremendously. Let's see, when last I left you, I believe I was sh*ttin' kittens about finding a new car since Brandy had...some issues. Well, I found her...and she was a pretty penny...but I think well worth it. Only time will tell, she's a firecracker red 2004 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited hardtop with about 46,000 miles on her...and her Gretchen (you know I've always loved that name) and she's a fiery red-headed wood nymph of an Earth Muffin who's always down for adventure whether in the woods, in the city or on the open road...and if the weather's right, she's not afraid to take her top off for all the world to see. BEHOLD!!!

Sadly, I had to trade in Brandy because I simply couldn't put her anywhere (really wish I had known that about a week earlier) but I was able to talk her up to a $1000 trade-in, which on a car with 217,000+ miles on her, should get me some kind of an award or something. Alas, I'm sorry Brandy. You were a great gal...
Oh, also, proof that I can cook a fine pork pot roast with all the fixings...

Basically, I spent all day Saturday & Sunday morning checking out cars...and then about six hours at the dealership to get everything taken care of (haggling, the usual process plus computer outages...but involved a lovely tour of Carson City, capital of the Silver State). Not exactly how I wanted to spend my first weekend...but whatever, it had to be done. I did have a little time in the evenings to set up the apartment a bit. Still a work in progress now that the roommate showed up last week...but it's coming together & he's cool as hell, so good times.

The bedroom's different w/o my favorite headboard...
...but I do have my own private deck.

The next six days was basically a hectic little dance of getting our office ready for opening this next week...and I'd love to tell you more about it...but just trust me, it's a lot of work & we're all really excited & nervous at the same time about our jobs & our new office opening. It's going to be EPIC!!!
Today's actually the first time that I've been able to see the sun really since I was shopping for a car (schedule is sunrise to sundown this time of year) and it's supposed to start snowing today and probably keep going until Friday...or April. I'm not sure how this weather is...but they've told us to stock up on food, have a shovel ready, dress warmly, drive safely & bring forth two of every animal, preferably one male & one female so they don't have what's referred to as a Unicorn Incident. Regardless, I think that my CD of the Steve Miller Band's greatest hits is absolutely perfect to listen to while driving around this place...and you know that crisp, clean smell of rain that I love so much...well, it's pretty much always here...just a little crispy sometimes depending on the early morning temperature as it prepares for winter.

In the meantime, we did have a full moon the other day & I got out of work a little I drove down to Lake Tahoe & took a few pictures at dusk...and I thought I would leave you with those...and a message that I miss each and every single one of you...and I can't wait to see you again, whenever that may be. Have a great day everybody!!!

I think Gretchen enjoys the sunsets too...

Where Should I Go Next?