Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Jeff Goldblum Is Watching You Poop

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not much has happened since yesterday (and the cleavage diving experience) but I did have some wonderful conversations with Bubbles & Lilie. Other than that, just a few movies and a nap. So I guess I'll just start with those...and follow it up with some news. Sound good? Okay, and away we go...

First up was "The Kingdom" starring Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Chris Cooper, Jason Bateman, Jeremy Piven and a host of others...even a cameo from Tim McGraw. It's about the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, the world's largest oil producer...and how they hate Americans...and there's a HUGE terrorist attack at a base that kills and wounds hundreds...so the FBI sends in a team (Foxx, Garner, Cooper, & Bateman) to find out who was behind it. Sounds like a real great comedy, right? I mean...Jamie Foxx & Jason Bateman are in it...and Jeremy Piven. No. You would be wrong. This is not a comedy at all (well, a few jokes thrown in...but not yuck yuck stuff). It's actually a really grim & gruesome & realistic tale about what's going on in the Middle East and how the movie is shot is really good. Kudos to director Peter Berg. If you're into explosion and gritty violence, then maybe this is the movie for you...but it's a drama...not a Bruce Willis flick. There's not going to be any one-liners or anything like that. So you've been warned.

Next was "First Sunday" starring Ice Cube, Tracy Morgan & Katt Williams. Just don't watch it. I'm going to tell you that right at the start. The story is something about two guys who just can't seem to hold jobs because one of these is a clepto (Morgan) and the other (Cube) is...loyal to him? Well, because Cube can't hold a job, his baby mama & his son are moving to Atlanta unless he can get $17,342 in a week. How are they going to get the money? Rob a church. Oh yeah, stay with it. Not done yet. They break in and...you know what, this was actually where I started to fast forward a bit because it wasn't funny, it wasn't really intriguing, you already knew how it was going to end and I just needed to be affirmed. Nothing against Ice Cube movies like "Friday" and "Barbershop". Usually they have their moments and are pretty funny...but not this time. Even Katt Williams was just kind of annoying as the choir director. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. Just pass on this one. That's my advice. Now for the news...

Jeff Goldblum NOT Dead - Amid all the tragedy last Thursday with Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett dying, rumors were flying that a third horrible death had struck Hollywood: Jeff Goldblum. Websites claimed that the star was in New Zealand filming a movie and fell off a cliff. In fact, the actor was alive in Los Angeles. Still, in an age of Twitter, news travels fast and sources are not always correct. Stephen Colbert (jokingly) fell victim to the Goldblum prank, and even when the Jurassic Park star appeared on The Colbert Report to dispel the rumor, the comic didn't believe him. That is, until Goldblum sent a message through the microblogging site. "The dead can Twitter," Colbert pronounced. Later, he says, "I, for one, don't think I could put into words the magnitude of this loss." Then Goldblum asked to give it a shot. "No one will miss Jeff Goldblum more than me. He was not only a friend and a mentor, but he was also, um, me. Jeff Goldblum's performances combined the muscularity of Brando, the pathos of Streep and the musky sensuality of a pride of baboons. One former conquest raved that sleeping with Jeff Goldblum was like—quote—being caught in a flesh storm with a 90 percent chance of satisfaction—unquote. That's verbatim." The actor's Morning Glory costar Harrison Ford, along with George Clooney and Natalie Portman, are also among the list of stars who met an untimely demise at the hands of Internet pranksters in the past week. Additionally, Britney Spears' recent Twitter hacker declared the pop star deceased. Suffice it to say that even with all the tragedy of late, we're thankful to still have Goldblum and friends among us and a great $teve like Mr. Colbert to feed us the laughs...but I'm still a little freaked out by Jeff Goldblum watching me poop.

Sex May Help Sperm - It's like my father told me when I was six years old, "If at first you don't conceive, try try again." Now that witty little line is scientific FACT. For men with fertility problems, some doctors are prescribing a very conventional way to have a baby: more sex. (It couldn't hurt, right?) In a study of 118 Australian men with damaged sperm (horrible wallaby wrangling accidents), doctors found that having sex every day for a week significantly reduced the amount of DNA damage in their patients' sperm. Previous studies have linked better sperm quality to higher pregnancy rates. The research was announced Tuesday at a meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology in Amsterdam. Dr. David Greening of Sydney IVF, a private fertility clinic in Australia, and colleagues looked at 118 men who had damaged sperm. Greening and colleagues told the men to have sex every day for a week (doctor's orders). After seven days, the doctors found that in 81% of the men, there was a 12% decrease in the amount of damaged sperm. Many fertility experts suggest men abstain from sex before their partners have in-vitro fertilization, to try to elevate their sperm counts. Sperm quality can also be improved if men don't smoke, drink moderately, exercise, or get more antioxidants. Since concluding the study, Greening says he now instructs all couples seeking fertility advice to start by having more sex (I wonder if he could be my doctor). "Some of the older men look a little concerned...but the younger ones seem quite happy about it." Experts think sex helps reduce the DNA damage in sperm by getting it out of the body quickly; if sperm is in the body for too long, it has a higher chance of getting damaged. Some experts said that while Greening's research is promising, it doesn't prove that daily sex for men with fertility problems will actually produce more babies (ugh...really? More sex doesn't mean more babies. Are they really doctors?). Greening said he and his colleagues are still analyzing the study data to determine how many women got pregnant. "Looking at sperm DNA is just one part of the puzzle," said Bill Ledger, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Sheffield, who was not connected to the research. "Maybe this will improve pregnancy rates, but we still need to do more studies." Ledger said instructing couples with infertility problems to have more sex could stress their relationship. "This may add even more anxiety and do more harm than good." He said couples shouldn't feel pressured to adjust their sex lives just for the sake of having a baby (ugh...what?). Greening said the study's findings were ultimately very intuitive. "If you want to have a baby, our advice is to do it often." So...this is what doctors do in their free time? They have brilliant discoveries like "Hey everybody, if you wanna have a baby, have sex...and lots of it." Then counter argue, "Uh ugh...there's no way that's possible. Your logic is flawed. Sex doesn't lead to pregnancy." And so on. These are the brilliant minds of our times. The Einsteins of the 21st century. Just something to think about...while you're having more sex with your partner. "You know honey, I wanna thank you for allowing me to improve the health of my swimmers." "Ssssh, wait until the commercial. I'm trying to follow this. Are they on the island? Are they in Hell? Are the writers just making it up as they go along? Speaking of which, are you done yet?"

Bad Writing Contest Winners - A shambling sentence about screaming seafarers on the sturdy whaler Ellie May stood shoulders above the rest in an annual bad writing contest. David McKenzie, 55, of Federal Way, Washington, won the grand prize in San Jose State University's annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest with this:

"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."

The contest, a parody of prose, invites entrants to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. It is named after Victorian writer Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, who opened his 1830 novel "Paul Clifford," with the much-quoted, "It was a dark and stormy night ..." Contest categories include purple prose and vile puns. Among other winners announced Monday were:

• "How best to pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the demonic Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape," from Joe Wyatt of Amarillo, Texas, winner in the adventure category.

• "She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida the pink ones, not the white ones except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't," from Eric Rice of Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, winner in the detective category. Very reminiscent of excerpts from Peter Griffin's erotic novels as narrated by Betty White. So yeah, there you have it ladies & gentlemen. I'm not a winner of the bad writing contest...this year. Apparently this one doesn't have a blog category...and I don't really share my horrible stories with just anyone...only a very special select few...who usually end up laughing hysterically. I still haven't let you guys read my short story romance novel about the Pope, have I? Probably because nobody has asked for it...or already read it a few years back via email. I still think it'd be a great stupid romantic comedy...but whatever. Maybe that's why I'm not in Hollywood. Or maybe I'm just too shy with my craziness...as this blog proves day after day after day after day.

Yao May Not Be MVP This Year Either - I would like to apologize to Yao Ming for possibly jeopardizing his career. You see, a few years ago, I made a bold prediction that he would be the MVP. Inspired by Dirk Nowitzski winning the award, I thought...why not the tallest man in the NBA having a shot at it? Sure, I don't think the tallest man in the NBA has won the award since Chamberlain...but if anybody could pull it off, it's Yao Ming. Right? Well, the next year he missed the last part of the season with a foot injury...then this year, he held out the entire year with the Rockets, just in time to get injured in the playoffs...and now that injury may keep him out for all of next year...and may threaten his career. So basically, my blessing may have destroyed Yao Ming...and for that, I apologize. Not only that...but I apologize to the People's Republic of China for apparently destroying their secret weapon against the American institution of basketball (invented by a Canadian but perfected by Americans). So on that note, I'd like to make another bold prediction - Kobe Bryant will be the MVP this year. Yes, because he is obviously my favorite player...and such a great guy, I think that he will win the Most Valuable Player award next year...as he deserved it in 2008. Not only that, he will rewrite the record books in points per game, assists...and least pieces of femur in a compound fracture during game play. Oh wait, sarcasm doesn't show when you type it out. Okay, I really don't have any ill will towards Kobe at all...other than I just don't like the guy...but hey, he works hard and there's a lot to be said for that...even if he's a cocky prick who cheats on his wife...but hey, which professional athlete isn't, right? Anyway, I hope that your foot heals quickly Yao and you're able to have a long and productive career. I'll pray for ya. Terrell Owens will be MVP of the NFL this year. Write it down. His bones will not shatter in the cold of Buffalo when he's clobbered by a safety...and then mauled by a polar bear that escaped from the zoo. Simply can't happen.

World's Ugliest Dog - Don't know why talking about Terrell Owens brought this up...but a prominent under-bite, scrunched face and floppy ears are the hallmarks of a winner. The winner of the World's Ugliest Dog contest, that is. Pabst (named after the beer whose taste shares his face), a boxer-mix rescued from a shelter by Miles Egstad of Citrus Heights, California, won the annual contest on Friday at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Northern California. It was an upset victory for Pabst, who beat former champion Rascal, a pedigree Chinese Crested. Pabst's owner took home $1,600 in prize money, pet supplies and a modeling contract with House of Dog. Miss Ellie, a blind 15-year-old Chinese Crested Hairless, won the pedigree category.

I'd like to take this last paragraph to thank all of you out there for reading...and letting me know that you're reading...because otherwise it's like I'm talking to myself...and though I'd still do it as consistently as I do in real life, it's good to know that somebody else enjoys my twisted sense of reality. So go ahead, give yourselves a round of applause. You deserve. Actually get up from your computer desk and clap and hoot and/or holla, maybe throw in a whistle or two, you deserve it, you're more than worth it. On that note, have a great day everybody!!!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Joey, Have You Ever Seen A Grown Man Naked?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I've finally been able to stop by the DMV and register my car for yet another year this morning (f**king taxes for nothin') and though I was a little irked...I was also in a great mood...and then it happened. The time had come again to pay rent for the upcoming month, so I went to the office to hand in my check. I was greeted by the two blonde girls who show off the rooms. The one who gave me the original tour and says "like" and "totally" all the time...and describes everything as "supercute", we'll call...Ditzy, and the other who seems a lot more intelligent and has an ample bosom, which she likes to display fortunately, we'll call her Mitzy. Well, Mitzy had seen me work out a few times (the bathroom is adjacent to the universal weight machine) so she greeted me by name, "Hey $teve, how can I help you?" "I just needed to pay rent before you ladies kick me out." I pull my check out of my pocket and a few pennies fall out onto the carpet. We both go down to pick up the change...and BOOM! I'm face-first in her love pillows. I'm talking skin on skin contact (and she may had been wearing perfume). Now, my instinct is to do certain things with my mouth...but I resist the urge...and we both kind of shoot back to an upright position, staring at each other stunned for a second...then slowly turns to smiles. "Wow!!! I ugh...I'm sorry, I...I'll get the change." Ditzy says from her desk, "OMG!" (Told you, she's a f**king cliché) and Mitzy is just laughing at my awkwardness, "$teve? How dare you? What kind of girl do you think I am?" I'm blushing (and wearing a sh*t-eating grin at the same time), "I'm sorry, I...honestly couldn't have planned that any better." We had a good laugh...and I got my ass out of there before they could change their minds about the situation (been to a few too many sexual harassment trainings in my life). So yeah, great way to start the day...with accidentally motorboating a beautiful blonde that I pay monthly. I can just see it now. Every time we see each other, we'll just start laughing...and nobody else will know why...except Ditzy but she'll probably forget...by lunch tomorrow.

Last night, I hung out with my dad for a few hours and we watched "Aliens" and "Airplane!" and cooked some burgers. Apparently my step-uncle's getting married on Saturday (yes, the 4th of July). Why? Because when else can you have a parade & fireworks for your anniversary? My dad & stepmom were married on the 4th of July too. Not a bad time for a wedding either. Everybody will be in town for family gatherings and what have you, the weather's usually pretty good (maybe a little on the warm side), it's easy to remember (gentlemen) and most people can get that day off work. What's not to like about celebrating your Dependence on Independence Day? Not one darn thing. Something for all the future Mrs Dr Loves out there to think about...and if you don't like that idea, then you don't like America. Here's some news...

Most Dangerous Sport - What is the most dangerous sport to participate in? Football? Basketball? Wrestling? Rochambeau? Dodgeball? Bullfighting? Sharkwrangling? Cockteasing? You may be surprised...and strangely aroused at the answer. Cheerleading safety efforts have led to modest reductions in the number of serious injuries in recent years, according to a new report about college and high school sports and cheerleading mishaps...but cheerleading continues to cause more serious and deadly injuries by far than other sports. Researchers have long known how dangerous cheerleading is, but records were poorly kept until recently. An update to the record-keeping system last year found that between 1982 and 2007, there were 103 fatal, disabling or serious injuries recorded among female high school athletes, with the vast majority (67) occurring in cheerleading. The next most dangerous sports: gymnastics (nine such injuries) and track (seven). Today, the National Center for Catastrophic Sports Injury Research at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill released its 26th annual report on the topic. The latest figures are from the 2007-2008 academic year for college and high school sports, male and female. The report defines catastrophic injuries as any severe or fatal injury incurred during participation in the sport. The new numbers are for the 26-year period from the fall of 1982 through the spring of 2008:

  • There were 1,116 direct catastrophic injuries in high school (905) and college sports (211).

  • High school sports were associated with 152 fatalities, 379 non-fatal injuries and 374 serious injuries.

  • College sports accounted for 22 fatalities, 63 non-fatal injuries and 126 serious injuries.

  • Cheerleading accounted for 65.2 percent of high school and 70.5 percent of college catastrophic injuries among all female sports.

The number of cheerleading injuries fell slightly in the 2007-08 academic year. "Progress has been slow, but there has been an increased emphasis on cheerleading safety," said the study's author Frederick O. Mueller. "Continued data collection on all types of cheerleading injuries will hopefully show that these safety measures are working to reduce injuries." That's right! Cheerleading is more dangerous than bullfighting. Basically, it's more dangerous than all other sports...COMBINED!!! The statistics don't lie. It can't possibly be that they're just permanently injured more because they're in skimpy outfits being tossed into the air and doing back flips over a parquet floor hundreds of times and it takes just one screw-up by any of the people involved. That is why I propose that we do something to help them out. They put their lives on the line every day (or at least those with pep rallies) and I say that when they go home...they should have somebody there to watch over them...and protect them...at all hours of day & night...even when taking a shower...or in the kitchen fixing a snack...because 73% of all accidents happen in the home...because the last thing anybody wants is for a cheerleader to slip and fall in the shower...and you're not there to catch her, hold her slippery body that's firm in all the right places, and help to stand her up...and comfort her in her state of shock. "It's okay. It's okay." "Wait, where did you come from? Why are you in my shower?" "Sssh, there there. It's okay. Just relax now, the important thing is that I'm here for you." "Who are you?" "Sssh, relax. I'm just a guy who saves cheerleaders from slipping in the shower using my ninja powers. Save the cheerleader. Save the world." "What?" "Don't you watch Heroes?" "What? You're a superhero?" "What? Sure. Look, just...sssh, it's okay. Oh, you're shivering. We have to keep you warm. Let's dry you off and get you in bed. Don't you worry. I'll be in bed next to you the whole time." So yeah, cheerleading's dangerous...and ladies & gentlemen, please don't shower alone. The risks are simply too high. If you find yourself needing a shower companion, just leave me a comment. I'm surprisingly affordable.

Never Wake A Sleepwalker - Since I'm all for giving out advice, here's another tidbit. A sleepwalking episode led to a stabbing. The Kansas City Star reported on its Web site Wednesday that the 24-year-old victim suffered a stab wound to his face and shoulder. Police said the victim's girlfriend awoke around 1:30 a.m. Wednesday to find her boyfriend urinating in the closet (we've all been there). He was intoxicated when he arrived at his apartment several hours earlier (surprise, surprise). Police said the man had a history of sleepwalking and ignored his girlfriend's repeated efforts to wake him up. He pushed her out of the way as he walked toward the kitchen, and she reportedly became scared that he might hit her. Police said she grabbed a knife and held it up as he approached. He sustained injuries that are believed to be non-life threatening. So...allegedly, he was sleepwalking...while intoxicated...and urinating in the closet...and got stabbed by his girlfriend. Sounds like one hell of a night...and a touching story to bring up at their wedding reception. "Honey, remember that time you stabbed me because I was drunk and you feared for your life...and then you found out I was just sleepwalking. Hahahahaha, I love ya sweetie...and that love will last longer than these scars on my face and neck." Aaaaaw...what can I say? I'm a romantic.

Monkey Pees on President - Speaking of Urination (no, not a small country in Eastern Europe), a monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he spoke to journalists at a news conference on Wednesday. Banda softly shouted: "You (monkey) have urinated on my jacket," and paused as he looked up to see the animal playing in a tree just above his chair. "Perhaps these are blessings," he said continuing his address amid laughter from the audience of journalists and diplomats at the State House presidential offices. Several monkeys play around the grounds of Banda's residence and his office. There are also many species of antelope and birds in the State House grounds. Very professional attitude and great charisma under attack. Kudos President Banda...but that sh*t wouldn't fly in $tevonia. The news article would read a little something like this.

"A monkey urinated on our magnificent and omnipotent $tevonian President, His Lord Grace Chancellor $teve Love as He spoke to minions at a news conference on Wednesday explaining why 'everybody needs to chill the f**k out about this whole prostitution ring thing' that the President has been implicated in. The President paused as he looked up to see the animal playing in the tree just about His throne surrounded by His beautiful cabinet of advisors. He then softly shouted (if you can actually do that): "Haha, you cheeky bastard" as He pulled a nickel-plated Desert Eagle out of His baby seal robe and fired, scattering monkey parts all over the minions as He exclaimed "MACAQUE, mother lover!!!" and handed the weapon to a nearby cabinet member, "Now the rest know who is boss. If any of the others start urinating, send out the flying monkey death squad to eliminate his family. Nobody pisses on my parade. NOBODY!!! This news conference is over!!!" Then He and the cabinet members retreated to his private chambers disrobing along the way...and all the minions were gracious for the precious moments where He graced us with His presence. So say we all. Praise $teve."

Anyway, that'll do it for today. If you'll excuse me, I have to tend to the flying monkey death squad and make sure that they are practicing their enhanced interrogation techniques properly. It's very difficult to teach a monkey to speak Russian...in French...but somehow I pull it off. Sorry, my head's still between Mitzy's breasts. Figuratively, of course. Have a great day everybody!!! BOOBS!!!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

But Wait, There's More

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Let's see. What's happened the past few days? Friday night, I went to dinner at Red Rocks with JL Clyde and J&M then headed over with them to a party for some free booze (it was three blocks from my apartment) and had a grand time there. Saturday, I did some errands like laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. Other than that, it was really a bunch of movies and Duckman. So without further ado, here are some reviews...

First up was the biopic "Notorious" about the life & times of Sir Christopher Wallace a.k.a. Biggie Smalls a.k.a. the Notorious B.I.G. with Jamal Woodard playing the title character (and the real Biggie, jr as young Chris Wallace), Derek Luke as Sean "Puffy" Combs and Angela Bassett as Biggie's mom. It follows his life growing up in Brooklyn, dealing drugs as a teenager, rap battling on the street, getting thrown in jail for a piece, then meeting up with Puffy and becoming an international hip-hop sensation...with plenty of drugs, lyrics and trim along the way. The movie itself wasn't anything out of the ordinary. The best part of it was the soundtrack. I mean...the movie wasn't horrible or anything, it just wasn't really outstanding. It's exactly what you would expect. Being a huge fan of Biggie during my teen years (and even today), I had to see the movie...but yeah, if you've seen a biopic about any musician (Ray, Ring of Fire, Dewey Cox, etc) then you've seen this one...just with a dash of 2Pac in this one.

Next was "The International" starring Clive Owen and Naomi Watts. It's about a bank called IBBC or the International for short...who is not unlike any other, where they fund revolutionary groups in Africa, sell weapons to other nations and basically act as a governmental debt collector controlling the political & economic marketplace for the entire world...but the illegal thing they do is assassinate people...and that's when Interpol steps in. Though they don't have any real legal power, one Interpol agent (Owen) wants to bring them down...and he teams up with a hot assistant district attorney from New York (Watts) and together they try to bring them down...but how do you bring down a financial institution that funds multinational corporations and nations alike? Well, it's not going to be easy. Clive does a great job of being the mysterious, cold international secret agent type (Bond? James Bond?) and there's actual a really good gun battle set at the Guggenheim Museum (and you know how I feel about exploding modern art) so yeah, if you're into political thrillers...and basically any Clive Owen action movies, then I'd say check it out.

Last night, I had the pleasure of watching "The Proposal" with the company of the lovely Bone Junior. The movie is of course a romantic comedy about a hot shot New York editor-in-chief (Sandra Bullock) who is threatened with losing her job due to deportation (she's Canadian and didn't do her paperwork in a timely manner) so in an act of desperation, she has to marry her assistant (Ryan Reynolds). Well, to convince INS that it's a legitimate marriage...and not a last ditch effort to stay in the US of A, they have to go meet the family in beautiful Sitka, Alaska...and hilarity ensues. She gets to meet the parents (Craig T Nelson & Mary Steenburgen) and the lovely Gammy (Betty White) and yeah, it's a romantic comedy...and heavy in both. You even get to see Sandra Bullock & Betty White "Get Low" in the obligatory dance scene. As far as romantic comedies go, this was one of my favorites...and I would highly recommend it. Ryan Reynolds is always hilarious...and Betty White will say absolutely anything for the right price. Big thanks to Bone Junior for selecting this movie...and I hope that you had as great a time as I did. So yeah, check it out...or at least rent it in a few months.

Also, one of the previews for this movie...was for a movie that I simply have to see. Why? Because it's called "All About Steve" and I really don't even care what it's about. If the name Steve is in the title, it HAS to be good...or at least watchable. Well, I looked into it...and it's actually not all about me (so gentlemen, feel free to take your dates to it and feel unthreatened) but rather it's the next Sandra Bullock chick flick. The premise is "Convinced that a CNN cameraman named Steve (Bradley Cooper, not Dr Love) is her true love, an eccentric crossword puzzler (Bullock) trails him as he travels all over the country, hoping to convince him that they belong together. Sigh...it looked fairly funny...but still, great title.

Billy Mays Passes - Television pitchman Billy Mays — who built his fame by appearing on commercials and infomercials promoting household products and gadgets — died Sunday, FOX News confirms. Mays was found unresponsive by his wife inside his Tampa, Fla., home at 7:45 a.m. on Sunday, according to the Tampa Police Department. Police said there were no signs of forced entry to May's residence and foul play is not suspected. Authorities said an autopsy should be complete by Monday afternoon. Mays, 50, was on board a US Airways flight that blew out its front tires as it landed at a Tampa airport on Saturday, MyFOXTampa.com reported. US Airways spokesman Jim Olson said that none of the 138 passengers and five crew members were injured in the incident, but several passengers reported having bumps and bruises, according to the station. Authorities have not said whether Mays' death was related to the incident. "Although Billy lived a public life, we don't anticipate making any public statements over the next couple of days. Our family asks that you respect our privacy during these difficult times," Mays wife, Deborah, said in a statement on Sunday. Will do...but I'm obviously intrigued. As you know, I love infomercials...for the same reason that I like soap operas...on Telemundo. They just interest me. Being a marketing degree holder, I like to analyze infomercials...and see how they sell the benefits and whatnot...and just the pure showmanship associated with them...and this guy was one of the best. Loud, demonstrative, always got to the point, pitched the special offer, good form. I especially like the...well, now short-lived (no pun intended) series "Pitchmen" about infomercials and the products they push. It intrigued me to no end...but alas, it looks like it won't have a second season with the great Billy Mays. My condolences to his family & friends. He will be missed.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Maybe a future job as Billy Mays' replacement...but we'll see how that works out. In the meantime, work work work as usual...and maybe slide some fun in between. Have a great day everybody!!!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Basketball's Christmas 2009

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The concert last night was amazing...as far as cultural events go filled with classical masterpieces. Andre Rieu and his Johann Strauss Orchestra really outdid themselves and provided an evening full of a little dignified humor, great music...and for some reason they even threw in "My Heart Will Go On" and that's when I resorted to texting. JL Clyde apparently went to a special presentation of a movie that was so horrible that just checking out the preview for it...made me cringe a bit. It's called "Black Devil Doll" and apparently it's this independent blaxploitation horror flick that's touring around the world (kid you not, it's next stop is LONDON) and...well, just check out the preview if you dare. It's rated NC-17 and I think that's only because they couldn't give it a worse rating. Check it out...if you dare.

Other than that, of course, Basketball's Christmas 2009 Edition was last night with the NBA Draft...and I'm VERY happy with what my Spurs have done over the past few days...but here's a little review (and critique and random thoughts) of what went down last night...and what I believe the future holds for some of these players. Hope you enjoy.

2009 NBA Draft

1. LA Clippers - Blake Griffin (Oklahoma) - Even the Clippers couldn't screw up this pick. Hands down he was the best player in this draft and honestly...at this point, seems like the only one that has the potential to be a great player...though I hope that I'm proved wrong. It's just that the draft now seems to be all about potential instead of current skills because they're drafting teenagers instead of seasoned players in their early twenties. This guy's a great inside scorer, rebounder, even defender, so yeah...as soon as he gets away from the Clippers he could be something great...but as long as he stays there, he'll probably be the victim of some freak accidents like it seems this cursed franchise is destined for...but I hope that streak is changed too. Good luck, Blake!!!

2. Memphis - Hasheem Thabeet (UConn) - You can't teach big...and this guy is 7-foot-3 with the relative wingspan of a f**king condor. He has the potential to be a great shot blocker & rebounder...and as long as they don't try to run the offense through him, they should be fine. He can clean up the boards and put back dunks or something. I see him as a clone of Samuel Dalembert, who plays for the 76ers. Imposing on defense...but let him take the shot and grab the rebound on offense. The major question with him...is that he's as skinny as rail...and he doesn't want to play in Memphis (I have no idea why) but both of those can be handled with one thing...and that's BARBECUE!!! After a year of that sweet Memphis BBQ on Beale Street, the guy will gain about thirty pounds and fall in love with the city (check out some of the sights) and be happy being the big man in town. Get this, Hasheem. You won't even have the pressure of being the biggest star...or having the funniest name...because your new teammate O.J. Mayo takes care of both. Did you know his full name is Ovinton J'Anthony Mayo? Now you do. Enjoy Memphis...and quit being such a whiny b**ch about living the dream. (I despise people who complain about where they get to play ball. It's probably the one reason I would move to Detroit...or Beirut...for $30,000 a year, not the millions that these douches are gonna get)

3. Oklahoma City - James Harden (Arizona State) - Some people were a little surprised by this pick...but they shouldn't be. He was really the third best player in this draft and a great scorer on an average team in college. His offensive skills are unquestioned (except for being a little shorter than the prototype) but it's defense where he's going to have to improve to be a great player. Also takes some of the weight of Kevin Durant's shoulders in running that team. They also drafted one of the best big men in the draft with B.J. Mullens (Ohio State) who has a lot of potential...but is just a young'un so it may take a few years for this team to really turn the corner. They're REALLY bummed that they didn't get the number one pick to get hometown Sooner hero Blake Griffin...but they'll deal with it.

4. Sacramento - Tyreke Evans (Memphis) - Really wanted to stay in Memphis with that number two pick...but yeah, that wasn't going to happen. Sacramento may prove to be a nice fit for him though. he's a big athletic guard who likes to run & score and not play a whole lot of defense...and that's perfect for this team. Okay, he's a better defender than that...but still. He has a lot of potential...but is another one of those one-and-done players, so who really knows. It may take a year or two before he develops into a star. The Kings also got a great big to help him out with Jon Brockman (Washington) in the second round. They still seem to be far away from making the playoffs...but they have a few key players if they can stay healthy.

5. Minnesota - Ricky Rubio (Spain) - I didn't understand why this guy was so hyped. Okay, he's played pro in Spain for a few years and is 18 years old. He played on the Olympic team (allegedly though I don't recall seeing him) and he throws a few behind-the-back passes and they're saying he's the next Pistol Pete Maravich. First off, HOW DARE YOU??? You have to have some BALLS to compare this kid to the Pistol. Maravich broke every single scoring record in NCAA history...and revolutionize the game of basketball. He also did it against the pinnacle of competition. This kid didn't even shoot around against a player in a workout. It was a few one-on-none drills...and nothing too impressive. He also requires a $4-6 million buyout from his Spanish team, he's learning English, he's shy and introverted, and just a host of other things that scream, "Don't waste a lottery pick on this guy." Yet the T'Wolves picked him. They do need a point guard...so maybe they're just hoping this guy blossoms into a fantastic player in a few years...or at least puts some asses in seats in the Great White North.

6. Minnesota - Jonny Flynn (Syracuse) - And then with the next pick, they completely boggle my mind. Another point guard? Do they play on working them out and then trading the lesser of the two? See, that's what happens when little Ricky Rubio won't work out against a player. It's amazing what a lot of mystery, a few video clips and a great manager can do for a nobody that played in Europe. Anyway, Flynn's a pretty good guard. He's a little undersized but plays with a lot of heart, a lot of skill...and has no problem with taking it right to anybody in the lane, no matter how big they are. I like those kind of players. That's how you have to play the game. In the long run, I see Minnesota sticking with Flynn and trying to trade Rubio away. Rubio, at best, may be the next Jason Williams (the fancy passing one).

Side note: Is it just me, or does the name Jason Williams seem to be cursed when it comes to the NBA? Observe. First, there was Jayson Williams who played with the Nets in the 90's and was one of the league's favorite guys. A great role player with a booming, fun-loving personality and a favorite on NBA Inside Stuff (which I watched religiously as a kid). He even battled through knee injuries with just a huge smile on his face. Then he accidentally shot a limo driver while showing off a shotgun...and tried to cover it up...and has managed to stay out of jail...but isn't the ball of passion that he once was. Every time I see him in the courtroom footage, I cry a little inside for seeing that passion die. Be careful with guns out there everybody. It's not just Jayson either. That was followed up by the aforementioned Jason Williams (hereafter referred to as J-Dub) who played high school ball with Randy Moss, college at Florida and then was drafted into the pros and was called the next Pistol Pete. Well, once he realized that the NBA actually plays defense once in a while, his fancy passing turned into turnovers, everybody realized he couldn't shoot, and he was a third string point guard for the Heat when they won the championship a few years ago...but never reached his potential. Not sure what he's doing now. Then there was Jason Williams (went by Jay to try to break this curse) who had an amazing collegiate career with Duke and was taken with the second overall pick by the Bulls in 2002 (only behind Yao Ming) and was on his way to resurrecting the Bulls franchise since Jordan left. Then he got in a motorcycle accident in the offseason...and his career was over. He's a broadcaster now on ESPN but who knows what he could've been as a professional player. He had some major skills and the right attitude...but a major mistake...and it's all over. I hope he goes on to win multiple awards for his broadcasting. He seems like a great guy. They all seemed like great guys (though J-Dub was kind of a West Virginia hillbilly) so it may just be mere coincidence that these horrible events and memories of lackluster careers feel upon these three gentlemen...but then again, everything happens for a reason, right? Who knows the mysteries of the universe? Anyway, back to the draft...

7. Golden State - Stephen Curry (Davidson) - This guy is just an amazing shooter. The son of former outstanding NBA role player Dell Curry, this guy can shoot from anywhere within 40 feet with pinpoint accuracy. He was the nation's leading scorer...while also learning to be a point guard and distribute to his teammates. If he were about three inches taller, there'd be no question that this guy would be a superstar really...but that's not the case, so he's got a lot of question marks. Personally, I think he'll make a great fit at Golden State because they have plenty of ball hungry shooters already...so he can get a lot of practice in distributing the ball...and when they're covered, they can kick it out to him for a three-pointer to spread out the defense. It could be a great fit...as long as they don't expect him to be a 25 point a game scorer. That probably won't happen in the NBA for this guy...but if he can distribute & hit the three when needed, he can have an long, productive career like his dad did.

8. New York - Jordan Hill (Arizona) - Great player. Seemed a little undersized but played hard and has great potential. He can shoot, play D, very quick and athletic for a big guy. I don't really see him as a superstar or anything...but a solid role player at least. I was also really impressed that the Knicks were able to get Toney Douglas (Florida State) in a trade with the Lakers. Douglas is another player that I really like watching during ACC action on ESPN. He's a great shooter, defender and all around player. Again, the only real downside seems to be his stature...but not a bad gamble with a late first round pickup. Hate to say it...but the Knicks may have had the best draft this year. Oh and don't worry, that's not what he looks like gentlemen. I just found it funny that there was another Jordan Hill out there.

10. Milwaukee - Brandon Jennings (Italy) - Okay, I saw this guy play in a McDonald All-American game last year and he was okay. Not amazing, just okay. Originally, he signed a letter of intent for Arizona...but decided to just go pro. Because of the "one-and-done" rule, he couldn't go straight to the NBA from high school...so he went to Rome to play for a year...and played very mediocre. Then during the pre-draft interviews, he called out Ricky Rubio as all hype...which I'll admit was a little warranted, but seeing interviews and stuff with this guy, I don't particularly care for his attitude. That being said, this isn't a game of attitude...and I hear he's supposed to be pretty good. Haven't been able to see him thanks to Italian League games only being played in some parts of Italy...but we shall see. I'm also a little curious why the Bucks drafted Jodie Meeks (Kentucky) for the exact same position in the second round...but hey, they're the Bucks. They haven't been relevant since Lew Alcindor played for them in the early 70's. (By the way, brownie points if you know who Lewis Ferdinand Alcindor, jr is and what classic comedies & kung fu movie he has starred in)

13. Indiana - Tyler Hansbrough (North Carolina) - "Experts" have been giving the Pacers a lot of flack for picking him...and they're kind of warranted because they really needed a point guard more than a forward...but they went with the best player in the draft at this point in my opinion. The same experts were saying that he'd fall to #20 with the Jazz (which would've been awesome) but instead Indiana gets a great rebounder, defender and post scorer who plays with a lot of heart & grit...and sure, this guy may not become a huge megastar...but it's very unlikely that anybody else available. I was REALLY hoping this pick would drop...and I hope that he's the steal. He's a great player with a great attitude...but I can understand that a lot of people are hesitant about the white boy with a great college career (that's right, I said white boy) because of past infractions like Todd Fuller, Mark Madsen, Danny Ferry, Rex Chapman, Adam Keefe, Bryant Reeves, Keith Van Horn, Chris Mihm, and a host of others who were top 10 picks and didn't amount to much...at least until they got into the team's front office and set up championship-caliber teams. So either way, maybe that four-year education will come in handy. Also, the best nickname in the draft with "Psycho T", how can that not be a good sign? (Please forget about Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen)

18. Denver - Ty Lawson (North Carolina) - My opinion...the best point guard in the draft...up until he broke his ankle senior year. That's why he fell this far...but has a great situation on a championship-caliber team in the Nuggets playing backup to Chauncey Billups for a year or two while the ankle heals...and who knows what then? This guy reminds me a lot of Derek Fisher, who may not go into the Hall of Fame...but is a great guy playing a long career.

20. Utah - Eric Maynor (VCU) - Loved watching this guy play with VCU a few games...but may be a little short for the league. Not sure how he works in Jerry Sloan's system...but really the best talent available at the time...and a lot of upside as a scorer on the perimeter and slashing penetrator to create opportunities for others. They also drafted a big guy in Goran Suton (Michigan State) to help out. Had to mention the hometown team.

37. San Antonio - DeJuan Blair (Pittsburgh) - STEAL OF THE DRAFT!!! Great rebounder, inside presence, interior defender, fits in perfectly with a championship caliber team that just added a scorer in Richard Jefferson by trade and was looking to fill in the rebounders that they gave up for him. Perfect situation coming in off the bench to start...and can rebound Manu Ginobili's misses when he's the only offensive option weapon on the court. I can't tell you how excited I am with this pick...and he definite should've been a top 20 pick...but angels were smiling down on the great state of Texas. A lot like Carlos Boozer...just not quite the offensive threat. Undersized a little...but yeah, great pickup for the Spurs...and then they drafted a few unknown foreigners with their other second round picks...including a French guy. Maybe he'll be another Tony Parker...some day.

45. Minnesota - Nick Calathes (Florida) - I really only mention this guy because one of my new coworkers, we'll call him Gator, kept bringing him up. Apparently he went to college...and then decided to leave early to go pro...in Europe. He left his name in the NBA draft...and now can choose between Minnesota (by the way, he's a point guard too...and they just drafted those two earlier...so they'll probably trade him too) or go to Europe. Just an interesting situation where the guy left early to go pro in Europe is all. Apparently Florida wasn't nice enough...so he'll go to Greece or Spain or Italy or something. Not a bad situation, just different. Good luck, Mr. Calathes.

Anyway, that's what I think about the Draft...and of course there are still trades to come and contracts to be signed...so we'll see what happens over the summer...but barring something major, you probably won't hear from me about the NBA until around Halloween when the season starts again. I realize most of you don't care about basketball as much as I do...but these are just my thoughts and I thought I'd keep them down to check later and see if I predicted the busts or surprise players. It's what I do. Oh...and I think I saw something on the news about Michael Jackson & Farrah Fawcett passing away. Don't know if anybody else caught that. Rest in peace y'all. However, on that note, when I'm watching CNN...and it's nothing but them waiting for a coroner's report for six hours...that's not news. "Breaking news: "King of Pop" was major influence on younger artists" or "Lisa Marie: Michael was afraid he'd die like Elvis" Really? Is that breaking news? I'm afraid that I'll die like Elvis...but we all die...some of us on the crapper with a peanut butter & banana sandwich in our hand. That's life. Enjoy it while you got it. What does Obama think? "My condolences to his family. Now if you'll excuse me, Iran is trying to start another war...and I have a job to do."

That'll do it for today. Tomorrow it's the Arts Festival and some fun late night activities, so until then, have a great weekend & enjoy your round-the-clock Jacko coverage. If he comes back in two days, please don't form a religion around him. Peace!!!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Did you hear about Jacko?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, tonight's the NBA Draft and apparently Shaq & LeBron will be joining forces next year through trades...and my Spurs got a great new weapon for their arsenal...but more on that tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to get my culture on at the Andre Rieu & his Johann Strauss Orchestra concert at USANA. I'll be going with my mom, my stepdad and...my aunt. (Sigh...) It'll still be fun...because hopefully she can keep quiet while the music is playing. What else might you find interesting? Well, I was in a little training seminar today...and we had a little ice breaker thing...and the question was "If you were on a deserted island, what 3 people live, dead or imaginary would you want with you? And please no family or friends, that's boring." Of course, I went first...so my response off the fly was "Well, My Lord & Savior Jesus first & foremost because he'd be a great doctor to have around...and that whole water to wine thing would prove useful. Next would be...the Professor from Gilligan's Island because that dude can make a television out of coconuts & reeds, so that could prove entertaining. Last but definitely not least, Megan Fox...because." "Because?" "I'm at a work seminar...so I'll just leave it as...because." Other than that, nothing really out of the ordinary...so here's some news...

Crazy Bunny Lady - Oregon's "Bunny Lady" is back in the hutch after violating a court order banning her from owning animals for five years. Miriam Sakewitz, 47, was arrested Tuesday at a hotel in the Portland suburb of Tigard after an employee reported finding rabbits hopping around in her room. Problems for Sakewitz started in October 2006 when police in Hillsboro, about 15 miles west of Portland, found and confiscated nearly 250 rabbits in her home, including about 100 dead ones in freezers and refrigerators (veeeery creepy). Police said she broke into the facility where the survivors were being cared for in January 2007 and stole most of them back. Authorities found her a few days later in Chehalis, Washington, with eight live rabbits and two dead ones in her car. Another 130 rabbits were recovered at a nearby horse farm. Sakewitz was sentenced in April 2007 to five years probation and was banned from owning or controlling animals. She also was told not to go within 100 yards of a rabbit. That summer, Sakewitz was ordered to spend three days in jail for violating her probation by keeping a rabbit in her house. County probation officer Susan Ranger also said Sakewitz had canceled counseling sessions and refused to open the door for unannounced visits. Ranger said she found no rabbits when she finally got inside but did find a half-empty 10-pound bag of carrots. Since then, Sakewitz has remained "pretty quiet" — until this week, said Washington County probation officer Bob Severe. "We hadn't heard much further from her," he said, adding she was thought to be living in Clackamas County. On Tuesday, Washington County animal control officers removed eight adult rabbits, five young ones and a dead one from Sakewitz's hotel room, Tigard police spokesman Jim Wolf said. Sakewitz was in custody Wednesday, and Wolf said he did not know if she had an attorney. She was to be arraigned Wednesday afternoon on animal neglect charges. WOW!!! Some people are just creepy. So just to reiterate, she was found in a hotel room with lots of rabbits...like she was having a affair with them or has a nasty drug habit and was "chasing the white rabbit" as my buddy Grace once told me. Not only that...but OVER A HUNDRED REFRIDGERATED!!! I understand the appeal of rabbit fur (all too well) but this is just...is she with PETA? Why do they protest big companies & stage riots throw famous football players in jail for two years when there are super creepy horrible people like this in the world? THREE DAYS IN JAIL for this...and Michael Vick gets TWO YEARS for a few dozen puppies? And he had better legal representation than her crazy ass? I don't know if the laws are a little different in Oregon than Virginia or wherever...but come on. Anyway, let it be known that if you're going to refrigerate bunnies, you damn well had better eat them.

Still Think Smoking Pot is Cool? - A lot of studies have shown marijuana is not good for you. Almost as many as those that say that tobacco is quite possibly the most toxic substance on Earth (but damn it's smooth...and what America makes best). Mary Jane can fry the brain and contribute to psychosis. The latest one finds "convincing evidence" that marijuana smoke damages the genetic material DNA in ways that could increase the risk of cancer (that's right, DNA). Toxic substances in tobacco smoke can damage DNA and increase the risk of lung and other cancers. However, there has been uncertainty over whether marijuana smoke has the same effect. Scientists are especially concerned about the toxicity of acetaldehyde, present in both tobacco and marijuana. However, it has been difficult to measure DNA damage from acetaldehyde with conventional tests. Using a highly sensitive new method called modified mass spectrometry (did I mention that I was an engineer once?), Rajinder Singh at the University of Leicester and colleagues found the data they sought, they report in the June 15 issue of Chemical Research in Toxicology, a journal of the American Chemical Society. "These results provide evidence for the DNA damaging potential of cannabis [marijuana] smoke, implying that the consumption of cannabis cigarettes may be detrimental to human health with the possibility to initiate cancer development. The data obtained from this study suggesting the DNA damaging potential of cannabis smoke highlight the need for stringent regulation of the consumption of cannabis cigarettes, thus limiting the development of adverse health effects such as cancer." Earlier this year, a separate study found evidence that adolescents and young adults (your friends & family) who smoked a lot of marijuana are more likely than non-users to have disrupted brain development. Research in 2007 found pot smokers have on average a 41% increased risk of developing psychotic disorders later in life. The study was funded by the European Union Network of Excellence, the Medical Research Council and other groups. So there you are. Feel free to hypothesize that this is all a conspiracy to keep marijuana illegal...but yeah, this study is now out there. Just thought that I'd share that with you...and that Snoop Dogg apparently doesn't smoke marijuana anymore. Just throwing that out there too. He's high on life now.

Crop Circles Solved - The mystery of crop circles in poppy fields in Australia's southern island state of Tasmania has been solved...and it is that stoned wallabies are eating the poppy heads and hopping around in circles. I am not joking. Not aliens or pranksters or even whirlwinding Tasmanian devils...but stoned mini-kangaroos. "We have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," the state's top lawmaker Lara Giddings told local media on Thursday. "Then they crash. We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high." Poppy producer Tasmanian Alkaloids said livestock which ate the poppies were known to "act weird" -- including deer and sheep in the state's highlands. "There have been many stories about sheep that have eaten some of the poppies after harvesting and they all walk around in circles," said field operations manager Rick Rockliff. Australia produces about 50% of the world's raw material for morphine and related opiates. Okay, so that explains Tasmanian crop circles (or at least that's what the government WANTS you to think) but what about in the United States? Is it stoned cattle who stumble upon some resourceful farmer's private stash of marijuana and strolling around the field in intricate patterns similar to the constellations overhead? Perhaps. Now, that we've found what's making those crop circles, let's get to how we can save those little devils that are dying off from some sort of plague. Maybe poppy seeds are the answer. Again, just throwing that out there.

Will F**k for Food - A woman has been fined $1,142 after pleading no contest to prostitution charges after she was accused of accepting a box of chips for sex. Police said they arrested 36-year-old Lahoma Sue Smith in southeast Oklahoma City after finding her in her car with a man who told officers he knew he could find a prostitute in the area (not exactly a bold challenge from what I hear). Smith told officers the man said he didn't have any money so she agreed to accept a $30 case of chips as payment. DEAL!!! The man was not charged and his name hasn't been released...but once again, the woman's name is Lahoma Sue Smith, just in case you missed it. That seems a little messed up if you ask me. Not the whole box of chips for sex...because that sounds f**king awesome and I plan on heading to Costco within the hour. What's messed up is that the guy's name isn't slandered all over the web. Seems unfair to me. Oh well...so yeah, box of chips? Anyone? Cheetos or Doritos? I've got both...and we can share. Anyone? Miss?

That'll do it for today. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check in on the draft, big trades...and some concert thing later tonight. Have a great night everybody!!! ANYONE??? "Free" chips???

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

My entries haven't been as radically abundant as usual...but that's because I've been a little busy...and my new job won't allow me to update at work...and my "borrowed" internet connection is sketchy & frustrating. Oh well, hopefully you still enjoy the occasional pictures of my niece & nephew...and movie reviews...and news stories. I know I enjoy sharing them. So yeah, here's some of those aforementioned movie reviews from the past few days...

First up was a movie I warned you about last week, "A Sound of Thunder" starring Sir Ben Kingsley and Edward Burns. This movie had the look and feel of one of those Sci-Fi Channel D-List movies...but I couldn't get that confirmed. The story is about a company called Timesafari that offers...you guessed it, safari expeditions back into time to kill dinosaurs...but of course, any changes done in the past ripple through time (apparently in "time waves") and a small change like killing a butterfly 65 million years ago can apparently threaten the entire human race...and cause evolution to create horrible baboon-raptor hybrids that sleep hanging upside down like bats...and humans become odd walking catfish somehow. Can the time safari expert (Burns) save the future? You'll have to watch the movie to find out...or better yet, I took this bullet for you. Just skip it. Spoiler alert: He saves the future...and gets the girl...and gains leverage on his billionaire boss (Kingsley) so all's well that ends well...and I may have a new Flush It for my Time Travel Movie List. Oddly enough, I also found out via the Wingmans that there's a Butterfly Effect THREE!!! The first was horrible, I heard of the second but I think it went straight to DVD...but a THIRD. A trilogy of the Butterfly Effect? Apparently I have to see this one...because one part made Mrs Wingman think of me (which unsettles me to my core) but I think I'll wait on that one. Until then, this is the new Flush It.

Next up was a movie that had all the makings of a badass movie. It starred Angelina AND John Malkovich...and Jeffery Donovan from "Burn Notice" AND directed by Clint Eastwood, who bleeds badass even into his seventies. However, this is not a tale of badassery. It's a typical Eastwood movie, which means it's great, thought-provoking and downright depressing at times. The movie is "Changeling" and it's set in 1920's Los Angeles about the story of Christine Collins (Jolie) whose son is kidnapped and missing for several months...and when the police find her son, she's convinced that it's not her son. Why? He's shrank a few inches, somehow got circumcised and doesn't remember anybody or anything. So yeah, the corrupt LAPD made a mistake (gasp of disbelief). Well, when she questions them on it & threatens to go to the press, the captain (Donovan) has her committed to a mental institution and throws away the key...and a preacher (Malkovich) has to save her...but can he do it before it's too late? Will she find her real son? Can anyone stop the LAPD? Is it possible to make Angelina unattractive? All these questions and more will be answer...but beware, it gets really dark with a tie-in to a serial killer who may know where her son is. It's really a great movie...and Eastwood is a fantastic director (not just a badass). I would highly recommend checking it out...but you'll feel lots of anger watching it, especially if you empathize when you watch movies and put yourself in Angelina's shoes (and not just to amuse her during coitus). It's a drama...but masterfully done.

Also, speaking of Eastwood, I don't know if anybody else had this problem over the weekend...but I've been trying for DAYS to get a copy of "Gran Torino" for my dad for Father's Day...and all I can find are Blu-rays...and my dad doesn't have a player. Finding a DVD copy just isn't happening. Oh well, I'll just have to order it online or something. Yesterday, I gave him a special present of Tasty Kakes (he grew up in Pennsylvania & they're THE BEST) with an IOU reading "IOU One Gran Torino (the movie, not the car)" so I may just do that in the meantime...since I didn't get my shopping done thanks to being kidnapped by my brother. My brother also wanted to do the midnight showing of "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" so I considered getting my Robot & Fox fix on simultaneously...which is hard to do midweek when you have a job and a life...but I didn't. "Don't you wanna go to work the next morning all groggy & tired and say you saw this movie first?" "OH MY GOD, I WOULD SO DO THAT TOO!!!" he said sarcastically. Anybody interested? Let me know. I don't want to be alone with my brother so he can tell me how inaccurate this movie is too. Yes, he's one of THOSE nerds...and my response is always something like "They're f**king living robots from outer space shaped like boomboxes and sports cars. Why don't you tell me how the concept of Gremlins doesn't make sense?" He says its the greatest movie ever...EVER!!! We shall see.

Oh, ridiculous 80's movies! So yeah, Monday night I watched "April Fool's Day" which is your typical 80's horror flick...but it's a good one. If you like campy movies and/or cheesy horror flicks, this is the one for you. Anyway, the coolest thing about it is that it stars Thomas Wilson (Biff from Back to the Future) and it's about a socialite named Muffy who invites her friends to her private island getaway for a party...but then people start dying...horribly (as opposed to in their sleep). Who's behind the murders? The answer may not surprise you...but hey, Biff is in this movie...and it's a ridiculous cheesy 80's horror flick. I say check it out...with friends if you have any. (Sigh...)

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "An Unexpected Windfall Will Be Yours...in bed" - Not even sure what the hell that really means. What is a windfall? Like a tornado or something? It doesn't sound good...and anything falling is typically unexpected, right? Not sure why because of gravity and all...but it just is...even falling in Love. Perhaps fruit will fall on my head...and be made of gold or something. Okay, so I honestly googled it...and it means "an unexpected gain, piece of good fortune, or the like" which is even better. So stand back y'all...or stand closer if you want some of this windfall. Then again, if I'm expecting it because of the fortune cookie, then how is it unexpected? The cookie defeats the purpose. Damn you, Cookie!!! You may be wise & all knowing...but if you miss with my windfall...

Last night, I went to a concert at Kilby Court featuring the band Birthquake...and it came highly recommended by JL Clyde...and it did not disappoint. It's a little hard to describe their style...but for me, it's kind of like the Red Hot Chili Peppers...but instead of Anthony Kiedis, they have a flutist / sax player. Sound weird? It's great stuff. Also, I loved the enthusiasm of the player, particularly the drummer. He's got a HUGE smile on his face the whole time...and does his own backup vocals. They have a lot of talent all around and do a great show. If you get the chance, I would highly recommend it. Besides, it was only $8 last night...and you can't really beat that with a baseball bat.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. No new Transformers last night...but maybe over the weekend. Looks like it'll be more action than the first one...which is awesome & exactly what it needed. We shall see. There looks to be a bit of drama in it too...but hopefully to the soundtrack of robotic destruction. Also, Basketball's Christmas is tomorrow night (the NBA Draft) so be prepared for my boring review and critique (with a few wiseass comments) on Friday concerning my 2nd favorite sport that involves penetration. Also, tomorrow will be my third concert in less than a week...as I was given free tickets to Andre Rieu & his Johann Straus Orchestra at USANA Amphitheatre (first time at that venue). Have a great day everybody!!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Happy Father's Day

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, there's a lot of good stuff to get to...but I just wanted to start with one of my predictions finally coming true...apparently back in January but without a whole lot of advertising. Well, about two years ago, I was feeling a little omnipotent (possibly drunk) and I made a few bold predictions...and on top of that list was the the TV cartoon series "Duckman" would be produced on DVD (like every other show out there) but it didn't appear as though that would be the case. Alas it was released about six months ago...and now I'm just waiting for a seven-and-a-half foot Chinese man to win the NBA MVP and the United States to elect its first Austrian-born cyborg President in 2012. Stay tuned...

Thursday night, I watched a few movies with a hint of royalty in them. First up was "The Other Boleyn Girl" starring Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johanssen and Eric Bana. Basically, it's an interpretation of the reign of King Henry VIII of England (Bana) and you know the story from the history books, were his wife wouldn't produce a male heir, so he cut England from the Catholic church, declared himself the Pope, divorced his wife, married Anne Boleyn (Portman), she had a girl named Elizabeth, he had her put to death, and so on. Well, it's that story...but with a little more drama and ambition and whatever else it takes to drag it out to two hours. Oh...and Mary Boleyn (Johanssen) is in it too, providing that essence of a 16th century regal catfight from time to time. It's okay...but I'd say pass...or read about it in a history book. I just seem to remember Henry VIII being like 400 pounds in the books & through the tour of the Tower of London...not Eric Bana...but hey, that's Hollywood. Next thing you know God will be played by Alanis Morissette. What's that? Dogma? Never heard of it.

Next was "The King of California" starring Evan Rachel Wood (it's a girl) and Michael Douglas. It's a story of a teenager (Wood) who has lived on her own for a few years because her mom left her a few years back...and her dad (Douglas) has been in a mental institution for two years. Great premise, right? Well, the dad is released and goes to live with her...and his crazy shenanigans lead her on an adventure to find lost Spanish gold...which they determine is buried under a Costco. Do they call off the adventure? Do they realize that it's crazy? Do they continue? Do she forgive him for being crazy? Who knows? Check out the flick if you want to know. The main point of this story is the crazy sh*t that we believe from our parents...because we trust them...and they're our parents. It's true. My dad, God bless him, has told me some doozies in his day (a LOT more back when he was a heavy drinker) and being a child & having complete trust in him, I believe a lot of it (to a certain extent) and even the stuff that I didn't believe, I went along with...because why shatter his reality. If he enjoys telling me these stories, I'll enjoy listening to them. "Did I tell you about the time before I met your mom...when I had to drive from Denver to San Francisco in a beautiful white '70 Dodge Challenger...in less than 18 hours? I was already pulling an all-nighter...but luckily I had enough speed to keep me awake & focused for that drive through all these small desert towns...and they were calling my every move on the radio...because it was a stolen car...but they were offering me a bunch of cash to get it there...and there was this naked biker chick near the Cali/Nevada border. Man, I had some real adventures back then." "That's awesome, dad. Wait, didn't we watch a movie like that last week called Vanishing Point?" "Yeah, they changed the name so that they didn't have to pay me money for my story...but sssh, don't tell anyone, okay?" "Okay daddy. I won't." "That reminds me of this time that me & a few of my buddies opened up this ghost extermination business..." Okay, so maybe they weren't quite that bad...but it's not that far of a stretch. Regardless, I kinda liked this flick...but it's not great by any means. It has its funny moments...but that may just be because I like hanging around crazy people...to a certain extent.

Friday night was the Smokey Robinson concert up at Red Butte Gardens with my mom & stepdad. They arrived later than scheduled...but luckily that was planned on...and after a quick stop by Arby's for dinner, we were on our way to the concert. We pitched a picnic blanket, opened a few bottles of Riesling, enjoyed the comedy stylings of...some guy who wasn't really that funny even with a buzz, and then...Smokey came out. A great time was had by all. The concert was great...and here are some pictures...
My Mama - Old as Motown, twice as sexy

Saturday morning, I went to Hogle Zoo with my mom, brother, my niece & nephew, and a bunch of other relatives. I heart the zoo, as you may know...and sure, Hogle Zoo is probably the worst that I've ever seen...but it's also the closest...and I got to see it with my family, so you can't really dog it much. Anyway, here are some pictures...
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?
Admit it, you've tried it...
Vinny Love
First time in 28 years I've seen a croc move here...
(The other one's still stuffed)
This snake was HUGE!!! RIP Pita
Old Time Carousel (like there's any other kind)
Kairi Love - Future Guess Jeans model
Vinny Love - Future Calvin Klein model

After the zoo, my mom & brother basically kidnapped me (they didn't stop at my house & just got on the freeway) and took me to Ogden...to basically help watch my niece & nephew...and then entertain my brother for Father's Day. Now, I don't really have a problem hanging with my brother...since I know that nobody else would...but I had errands and stuff that I needed to do. Oh well, I guess they'll get done another time, right? I wish I could say that we did something fun & entertaining...but it was the usual time hanging with my brother. He played video games (including the new "Ghostbusters" one which is kinda cool) and basically I did nothing. My mom was even watching the kids...so yeah, nothing. All day. Not really as fun as it sounds. Oh...and I slept with Tink again. I know I said that I would stop...and kick that trifling vengeful pixie to the curb...but face it, you'd do the same thing. (Oh and for those who don't know, I slept in my niece's bed...and she has the whole Tinker Bell set...so that's how I slept with Tink...again, not nearly as fun as it sounds)

So because I was kidnapped all weekend, I still need to get my car registered, still have laundry to do, still have groceries to get, and I didn't even get to see my dad for Father's Day...but that'll all be taken care of shortly...and at least my brother didn't have to wallow in misery by his lonesome because his friends were all scared away by a trifling ex-wife who has gone off to...sigh, who really cares? My brother's not the greatest...but I really am proud of him. He's an amazing father and a few years ago, I never ever would have thought that I'd say that...but he really is. Sure, he has his flaws...but he'd do anything for those kids & that's what's important. I'm proud of anybody with the testicular fortitude to be a father...and sadly not everybody has those qualities. So a Big Shout-Out to all the Real Daddies out there...and for all the Single Moms out there too...because you deserve double Kudos. Have a great day everybody!!!

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