Bottles of Rotten Grape Juice

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s finally come to the end. Tonight is the last game of our softball season (and apparently it didn’t come soon enough given our horrible record). I’m really hoping that we can pull out a 2nd win to this season and end on a high note… so we’ll see. Then after tonight, I think the basketball season starts in about a month… so that should be fun too. I’m a MUCH better basketball player than softball. Despite my lackluster performances (though better than expected… and my cheerleading was incredible) this year, we had a lot of fun for the most part. I’m guessing there will be some drinking tonight after the game… if just to forget.

So… I’m REALLY wanting to go to the Eagles – 49ers game on October 10th. The only thing is… I don’t want to go alone… and nobody else can seem to justify $100+ for tickets. With the 49ers signing former Eagles stallion Brian Westbrook yesterday, I REALLY want to go to the game in my Westbrook jersey. “Who are you voting for?” “Isn’t it obvious?” “Ugh… no.” That’s when I break into song, “FLYYYY EAGLES FLYYYYY, on the road to victoryyyy, FIIIIGHT EAGLES FIIIIIGHT, score a touchdown 1, 2, 3… Hit ‘em low, hit ‘em high, and watch our Eagles flyyyyy… E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!” So… I guess I’m asking… does anybody want to go with me? Let a brother know… here’s the news…

Short French People – Now that I have Lilie’s attention, France has ended restrictions barring people under 1.6 meters (about 5 ft 3 in) from joining the police force. The country of Napoleon imposed minimum height requirements for police centuries ago, raising them over the decades as the average size of Frenchmen rose, but the rules have come to be seen as discriminatory. "Entry into all active categories of the national police is no longer reserved for candidates whose height exceeds 1.60m," the French Labor Ministry said in a statement. "From now on the conditions of entry will be linked exclusively to the ability to carry out the relevant duties." According to the national statistics office INSEE, the average French man stands 1.75 meters and the average woman 1.63 meters, compared to 1.66 meters and 1.54 meters, respectively, in 1900. French President Nicolas Sarkozy's height is estimated at around 1.65 meters, roughly the same size as French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte. Police union Alliance Police Nationale welcomed the move, saying the previous requirements had prevented candidates who were "morally, physically and intellectually" capable of working as police. Weird, right? That they had to abolish something like that. Well guess what. France still has height requirements for joining the military which remain in place. Now you know… and knowing is half the battle.

Bunch of Rotten Grapes – Speaking of France, much like gold, top wines are highly prized, represent wealth and are selling near their historical highs. Prices of the five premier cru Bordeaux -- Chateaux Lafite Rothschild, Haut-Brion, Margaux, Latour and Mouton-Rothschild, and the grand crus of Burgundy, particularly Romanee-Conti, are at or above 2007 levels. "During times of economic stress and worry, buyers look to safe investments and gold is seen as a defensive strategy. It's tangible, has intrinsic value and is a good diversifier ... The same can be said for the top growth Bordeaux and for the same reasons," said Jennifer Simonetti-Bryan, an independent wine consultant. "With markets such as China coming on board with eyes only for the top growths, it is a promising outlook for them." Promising for the auction houses, too. Sotheby's four Hong Kong wine auctions last spring were successful, according to Robert Sleigh, the company's vice president of wine. "Obviously, Asia continues to drive the prices in wine." Christie's wine auctions in London, Hong Kong, New York, Geneva and Amsterdam, had sales of $13.9 million in the first half of the year, up 18% from the same period a year earlier. Asian wine buyers represented 43% of the sales figure, Christie's spokeswoman Erin McAndrew said. Christie's is starting its fall season early with its first auction on Sept 18 in Hong Kong followed less than a week later by another in New York, according to Charles Curtis, its head of wine sales. "I'm an optimist," he said. "I'm feeling overall very positive about the fall season - and even 2011." Prices at spring auctions exceeded expectations. Seventy bottles Chateau Lafite Rothschild, which auction house Acker Merrall & Condit expected to fetch between $125,000 and $175,000 in Hong Kong sold for $320,250 - including the buyer's premium. That's $4,575 a bottle (for old grape juice). Sotheby's has 2,000 bottles of Lafite coming up for auction in Hong Kong in October with a pre-sale estimate of between $1.5 million and $2.5 million (again, for about 250 gallons of grape juice). One Singapore-based wine broker, who managed to get a case of each of the top five growths for roughly $77,000 during spring sales, said they were being snapped up. Saeed Shah, who works for Premium Liquid Assets Pte, Ltd, described the Asian demand for Lafite as an "obsession." "As we get more and more millionaires worldwide we see that these same people drink these wines," Shah said, adding that with their limited production the law of supply and demand takes over. As for gold, it is nearing its record high of $1,264.90 that it touched on June 27. Crazy, right? You can’t make a house payment… but there are people buying bottles of wine at those prices. Sigh… oh well, it’s not like they’re spending massive amounts of money on useless sh*t that was once within several feet of a celebrity…

Auction Update – That’s still headed by America!!! Back off China!!! You’re out of your league!!! What’s up for dibs soon? Marilyn Monroe's chest X-rays (ugh… full color pictures of her breasts have been my wallpaper). Barbra Streisand's houndstooth cap from the film "What's Up, Doc?" Elvis Presley's empty prescription bottles (he emptied them for you). Alfred Hitchcock's driver's license. Who wants all this stuff? And why would they pay thousands of dollars for it? Hollywood memorabilia auctions have become big business around the globe, with a seemingly endless supply of celebrity relics — and celebrity collectors who will pay big bucks for them. In what's become almost routine around town, hundreds more items will be up for sale this weekend, when props and costumes from TV's "Lost" hit the auction block.
"This market is fun because it's probably the most accessible market that's sold at auction today," said appraiser Laura Woolley, president of The Collector's Lab. "You don't need to have a huge history of connoisseurship to get the visceral reaction to the ruby slippers, and you don't need to be told why they're important. These pieces just have an instant connection with people." For collector David Davis, it all started with Streisand's houndstooth cap. Davis heard on the "Today" show that the wool cap she wore in 1972's "What's Up, Doc?" was going up for auction a few years ago, and on a whim, he called and placed a bid. "I thought I could never possibly afford or win something that Barbra Streisand wore in a movie. I thought it was out of my league," he said I’m assuming with a heavy lisp. But his bid won the cap. Five years later, his collection includes several Streisand costumes, along with those worn by Cher, Carol Burnett and Paul McCartney. Davis displays the iconic outfits around his home on mannequins custom-made to look like the stars (is it a stereotype if it’s true?). While Davis says his collection obsession "is bordering on insanity," the 58-year-old is at the heart of a booming business. "What keeps this industry alive are the fans who love this stuff," said Darren Julien of Julien's Auctions, which specializes in celebrity memorabilia (and famously sold Michael Jackson's bejeweled glove for $420,000 to a buyer from Hong Kong last year). "Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock Cafe popularized the idea of what memorabilia was," explains Joseph Maddalena, president and owner of Profiles in History, which will administer the "Lost" auction in Santa Monica. "It's the same exact thing as what you'd do with a Van Gogh: You buy it, hang it on the wall and look at it. It's pride of ownership, the bragging rights and the fact that you want to own them." "There's something about having it in your house, in your possession," said Davis, who's spent… wait for it… $300,000 on his collection. "You feel a connection to the celebrity." Other collectors see themselves as custodians of history. Scott Fortner has been collecting Marilyn Monroe books and photos since he was a kid. One of those books was an auction catalog, and it inspired him to place bids and start buying Monroe's costumes, clothing and keepsakes. Fortner doesn't display the items at home because they're fragile and sensitive to light. But he has lent his vast collection to museums, including an exhibition at the Hollywood Museum that closes Aug. 31. "I feel more like a curator, a holder of Marilyn's goods, rather than buying them to be close to her," he said. But he's not immune to the intoxicating charm of her celebrity: "It's pretty amazing to be able to hold a garment or article of clothing that still has Marilyn's perfume on it and you can smell what she smelled like." I go to JC Penney and get blasted with Chanel No. 5 but that’s just me. None of the collectors interviewed for this story saw their purchases as financial investments. Though Julien tells a story of a Michael Jackson fan who bought one of the pop star's jackets for $4,000 in 1989 and sold it this year for $271,000, auction experts agree that collecting celebrity memorabilia is more for the fun than for the money. A bad economy could inspire some to sell, Woolley said. Generational changes, too, affect what's valuable and what's popular. It used to be that collectors sought only old Hollywood memorabilia, she said, but now modern day props and costumes can generate just as much interest. More recent celebrity memorabilia is often more affordable, too. Because nostalgia drives the celebrity memorabilia market, emotion could overtake reason for some shoppers, inviting fraud, Woolley said. Collectors who aren't scrupulous with their research could, for example, think the reissued "Gone With the Wind" poster they just bought is actually an original from the 1939 film. Anyway, allegedly it can be an investment… but so can an education… or starting your own business… unless you’re surrounded by dicks…

Lemonade Stand Crackdown - A county official in Oregon has apologized after a 7-year-old's business venture was soured because health inspectors shut down her lemonade stand. Oh yes. It happened. Multnomah County Chairman Jeff Cogen, the county's top elected official, said Thursday that running a lemonade stand is a "classic iconic American kid thing to do." He says he called Julie Murphy's mother, Maria Fife, to offer his apology and says she appreciated it. Fife helped her daughter set up a lemonade stand last week at a local arts fair in northeast Portland. They had to pack up and leave after being approached by two inspectors who said the stand lacked a license. Cogen says while the inspectors were doing their job, the rules are meant for professional food service operators. He adds he ran lemonade stands as a child. You know what? No. No, I’m not going to back the kid on this one. If you want to sell food, you have to follow the rules. You know who sells things without following the rules? Pirates & drug dealers. Is that what you want the kid to be? As for this whole lemonade stand being a “classic iconic American” past time or whatever, do you want to know what else is “classic iconic American”? Slavery, child labor & killing Injuns… and they were following the rules when that was going on. What’s my point? It’s pretty easy to justify just about anything. I just said slavery was better than a lemonade stand… and basically called a 7-year old girl a drug dealing pirate. The best part was… I’m absolutely correct… in one context. So yeah, just wanted to give you the image of a few health inspectors kicking down a lemonade stand in front of a 7 year old girl… and then they walk away from an evil smile below their barhandle moustaches. “This is our turf, see?” Oh… and gangsters are “classic iconic American” too. Not gangstas… gangsters.

Adonal Foyle Retires – Even people who follow basketball may be asking “Who the hell is Adonal Foyle?” Well, he’s one of my favorite players since he came out of college. Why? Because he’s a shot blocker. Plain and simple. Well, at least that’s his game (along with averaging about 4 point & 4 rebounds per game for his 13-year career, primarily as a backup center for the Golden State Warriors). However, the man is so much more. Most recently as a mentor to Dwight Howard in Orlando, Adonal announced his retirement today due to a right knee injury keeping him from practicing for about a year now. He will also resign as vice president of the National Basketball Players Association. Foyle also was inducted into the Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame for charitable work with his Kerosene Lamp Foundation, which refurbishes basketball courts and mentored thousands of kids over the years. He even recently finished up a master’s degree in Sports Psychology. Nice guy, right? Well, there’s another reason he’s getting mentioned specifically on my blog. See, back in high school, I had never written poetry. I was raised on rock & roll… and who was I to think that I’d write something that could be compared to Zeppelin, Whitesnake, ZZ Top, or any of the other legends? Anyway, I took a Creative Writing class… and it was required to enter a poetry contest… and I won the f**king thing. No joke. Got a hundred bucks for it too (back when that was like FIVE tanks of gas for my Camaro). What was the poem about? Basketball… or rather my love for the game of basketball. Well, Mr. Foyle announced his retirement… in poem form & I want to share that with you now. Please enjoy…

LOVE SONG TO A GAME By Adonal Foyle

How should I tell thee goodbye?

What can you say about a love affair to rival that of Romeo & Juliet? This is not just some melancholy ode to a hackneyed love of mortals.

I found our love deep in the entrails of the Caribbean Sea. Love that swept me to a land where our embrace became mythical.

You showed me a world that few have dreamt of.

Colgate’s golden steeple, a sojurn where ancient teachings flooded my mind.

There in the Chenango Valley where 13 sang my soul to flight, basketball laid siege to my soul.

I do not cry for the passing of our love for it stands radiant while my brittle bones crumble through swift time.

I have known you by so many faces; I will spend my end of days recalling.

You have infected so many with the allure of riches and black gold. But I am not angry with you my love. For to a boy who was lost in the bosom of nothing you gave hope and home.

Like the flickering of a light we come and go without much fuss. So I leave you to fend off seekers, hoping they too will cherish your unyielding countenance.

As for me, I will forever live in the glare of your loving embrace. From time to time I hope you will look in on this pitiful fool.

I will miss brothers of a quilt struggling with burning lights. If I offer advice, pierce beyond the glaring lights and see the faces behind the wall. Don't be fooled by the magicians’ nibble fingers. For this is a life with mirrors and screens. Its only truth lies in the understanding it will all end.

The sound I will take home is the symphony of thousands of screaming friends.

Warriors, Magic and yes, Memphis too, I sing you praise, hope, blessings, Flowing from a boy’s songs of thanks to you and you and you, to all I knew.

Please stay my “immortal love.”

Not bad huh? Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll share my award-winning poem of yesteryear someday… but you REALLY have to ask nicely. Anyway, softball in a few hours. I’d better get something to eat before the late game… and late night beers. Have a great evening everybody!!!

Stardust of Yesterday

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I did end up going to the Natalie Cole concert… and it was amazing, dare I say “Unforgettable.” The concert was at Northstar-at-Tahoe ski resort and part of the Tahoe Music Festival… but enough about that, here are some pictures of the concert set around sunset (before the temperature immediately dips into the forties, even in August)…

Over the past few nights, I’ve watched a few movies too. First up was “Hot Tub Time Machine” starring John Cusack, Craig Robinson and even a few cameos from 80’s film stars like George McFly & Fletch (Crispin Glover & Chevy Chase). For those of you who haven’t seen the previews (or read the title), basically it’s about these four guys. Three of which (fourth is Cusack’s nephew) used to be best friends and party animals… but 25 years ago. After one gets drunk & they think he committed suicide, they decide to return to Kodiak Valley, a ski resort with fond memories of their youth. Well, they get drunk, spill an energy drink on a hot tub control panel and get teleported back to 1986 (seriously, were you looking for a plot?). Now they have to relive that time of their life exactly or face a “Butterfly Effect”. Or do they? It’s obviously a comedy… and it’s pretty hilarious at points. The best part is the obscure 80’s movie references because… well, it’s basically John Cusack getting teleported back to “Better Off Dead” as himself. I liked it… and highly recommend it. Does it make my Time Travel movie list? Of course not. Still pretty good though.

The other night I watched a straight-to-DVD sequel entitled “Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassin’s Ball” starring Tom Berenger, Vinnie Jones & the great Michael Parks. Okay, the fact that it’s led by character actors should be a hint… or that it was straight-to-DVD, but don’t write it off just yet. Basically, an FBI pencil pusher (Berenger) has a $3 million bounty put on his head… and nobody knows why, so they put him in federal protection. With a bounty like that, of course all the “best” assassins in the world are coming after him, though I seriously question the true effectiveness of a lot of them, especially the Tremor Family (led by Parks) who are a bunch of hillbillies in a dump truck with a cow pusher… but hey, it’s that kind of movie. They stash the mark in some underground tunnels in Chicago (though immaculately maintained) and as you would guess, the assassins arrive and there’s a lot of shootout and Mexican standoffs and one-liners and all that stuff. Now, if you like that kind of a movie like I do, then I say check it out. If you’re looking for bulletproof storytelling free of loopholes, Academy Award nominated performances or anything resembling a moral to the story, then you should probably seek elsewhere. All-in-all though, it was actually better than I was expecting. I’ll definitely give it that. Here’s some news…

Elvis for Governor – I kid you not, Elvis Presley is running for Arkansas governor. No, not THE Elvis. Elvis D. Presley of Star City filed papers with the secretary of state's office on Wednesday to run as a write-in candidate for governor. Presley indicated in the paperwork that he wants to "supply the people with a broader array of employment and newer chain of state government." He declined to tell The Associated Press how he got his name (parents?) but says he is an Elvis impersonator in his spare time. Democratic Gov. Mike Beebe is seeking re-election in November. He faces Republican Jim Keet and Green Party nominee Jim Lendall in November. Two other candidates have filed to run as write-ins for governor. Presley must still file with each of the state's 75 counties… but he’d have my vote. Best part is… if he is elected, I’m almost certain he would give everybody in Ar-Kansas a big “Thank you very much…” Okay, so somebody named after a legendary performer who died over 30 years ago whom he also impersonates is running for governor of quite possibly the most easily mockable state? That’s not so bad. It’s not like a rapper is running for President.

Wyclef for President – F**k me it’s true. Hip hop legend Wyclef Jean submitted the paperwork Thursday to run for president of Haiti, formally thrusting himself into what is expected to be a highly competitive race and ending years of speculation about his political ambitions. Several hundred supporters of the hip hop artist-turned-politician cheered as he arrived by motorcade in a dark suit and tie at an electoral office in this capital city still largely in ruins from the devastating Jan. 12 earthquake. Jean, who was born in Haiti but raised in Brooklyn, N.Y., stood on top of an SUV and bowed to the crowd. "It's a moment in time and in history," Jean, who was accompanied by his wife and daughter, told The Associated Press as he went to hand in his candidacy papers, 10 minutes before the office closed. "It's very emotional." As he left the building he was quickly engulfed by supporters and held a rally in the street. "The United States has Barack Obama and Haiti has Wyclef Jean," he shouted to the jubilant crowd, many wearing the free white T-shirts distributed by the candidate's backer's with the campaign slogan "Face to Face." The winner of the Nov. 28 election will preside over the billions in international aid being channeled to Haiti to rebuild after the earthquake, which killed an estimated 300,000 people and destroyed thousands of buildings, including most government ministries. If Jean's candidacy is approved, he will face several candidates who lack his international fame but have more political clout. Among the most formidable is ousted ex-Prime Minister Jacques-Edouard Alexis, who secured the backing of President Rene Preval's powerful Unity party this week. Preval is barred from running by the constitution. An eight-member board reviews would-be candidates and verifies whether they meet all the constitutional requirements, including having resided in Haiti for five consecutive years leading up to the election and never having held foreign citizenship (that might be a problem for Wyclef). The list of official candidates will be published August 17th. Jean's U.S. upbringing could be a roadblock to his candidacy, but the singer says his appointment as a roving ambassador by Haitian President Rene Preval in 2007 exempts him from the residency requirement (sure… why not?). Jean was born on the outskirts of Port-au-Prince but left the country as a child and grew up in Brooklyn. He gained fame as a member of the Fugees and went on to have a successful solo career (check out “The Carnival” album). He is known for such hit singles as "We Trying to Stay Alive" and "Gone Till November." With the Fugees, he recorded the Grammy-winning, multiplatinum-selling album "The Score." In recent years, he has been active in Haiti with the charity Yele Haiti, prompting long-running speculation that he would run for president one day. Earlier Thursday, he stepped down as leader of Yele Haiti, which faced criticism for alleged financial improprieties following Haiti's earthquake. Jean tearfully defended the organization in a news conference weeks after the quake. Yele also hired a new accounting firm after the allegations surfaced. The singer helped found the charity five years ago to raise money and build awareness of the myriad problems in his impoverished homeland. It raised $9 million in the wake of the Jan. 12 quake. Of that, it has spent $1.5 million on food, water, tents, clothes and other products for quake survivors, said Cindy Tanenbaum, a spokeswoman the musician said. "I am not stepping down in my commitment to Haiti. On the contrary, regardless of what path I take next, one thing is certain: My focus on helping Haiti turn a new corner will only grow stronger," Jean said in the statement Thursday. Jean is not the only celebrity in the race. Popular musician Michel "Sweet Micky" Martelly arrived just ahead of Jean to submit his candidacy papers. He was accompanied by singer Pras Michel, who was also one of the original members of The Fugees and is supporting his bid for presidency (but I still think “Ghetto Superstar” was the worst album I ever bought). Martelly welcomed Jean, a longtime friend, to the race. "I hope politics will not divide us," he said. If approved, Jean would have to deal with voters undecided on how to think about Haitians abroad. Many families are dependent on successful overseas relatives for remittances but often seem them as near foreigners. The singer's American accented Creole and lack of French — for many things still the language of government here — will be constant reminders he did not grow up here. In a Thursday morning interview with the Miami radio program "Bonjour Haiti," which was rebroadcast in Port-au-Prince, Jean explained his vision and defended his qualifications. The show also reported that he has hired a Creole tutor. "In Haiti there are people who can't read or write. There is no electricity. There are no roads. For 200 years people have been governing this country. I don't need that training. I need logic. I'm working with teams in Washington, teams in the international community and teams in Haiti. It is a different training. It is Wyclef's vision.” I like it. In fact, I think Wyclef should be President (by the way, I’ve had a song of his stuck in my head since I heard about this… and long story short, the story doesn’t end well for Wyclef) and Pras as Vice President. Then, in a surprise move, Lauryn Hill is appointed Secretary of State… and the Fugees are now officially running Haiti. Who needs political experience when you have Diamond Records? Besides, isn’t Lauryn still married to Ziggy Marley, who is basically Jamaican royalty anyway? It’s perfect. Who knew that out of a tragic earthquake, we could reunite the Fugees? Nobody, that’s who. I could imagine the follow-up album… with special guests like Sweet Micky. Anyway, don’t act like this couldn’t happen. If he gets his name on the ballot, he’s elected President of Haiti. How do I know this? The governor of my state rose to fame by looking good in a loincloth, decapitating people and saying nothing but “KRUM!!!” for an entire f**king movie. Imagine if he had REAL talent and was born in this country. People in large numbers do ridiculous things… especially when in desperate times. At least I think he would do good for the island. Best of luck, Clef.

Foiled Again – There are pranks… and then there are pranks. A science professor at Gustavus Adolphus College left for a week's vacation this summer and returned to a shiny office. Very shiny. Professor Scott Bur's students had covered his office in aluminum foil. Computer screen, chairs, the ceiling, the floor — all covered in foil. Books and pens were individually wrapped, so was the phone, a ball cap, a bottle and the coffee maker. Bur said it's a sort of tradition among his research group. He goes on vacation and when he comes back there's ... something. That last time it happened, his office was decorated for a fairy princess. Pink fabric and bows covered everything. The pink glow from the office could be seen across campus. Senior Kristen Jahr said the foil prank required ten 200-foot rolls of foil. All I can say is… either it’s a liberal arts college or this professor is a lot nicer than the douches that I had in college. “Oh $teve, you have a work trip in a month, too bad. That’s the week I’m assigning a bunch of things that I can only hand out at that time & there’s no way that you can do it ahead of time… because it’s just stupid f**king handouts that I’ve been using for years and it’s retarded but it’s also 25% of your grade, twa…” Okay, so that wasn’t exactly what was repeatedly told to me by several teachers (including one I’ve actually fantasized died of syphilis) but yeah, I’ve thought about similar pranks. “Oh $teve, that’s funny. You coated my entire office in chocolate. That’s so funny. (sniff sniff) What’s that smell? (tests the chocolate and spits it out) EEEEH!!! Oh God, what is this? Baker’s chocolate?” “Took me a week to brew it all up myself you sum’bich. That’s for not being flexible to my work schedule.” But yeah, aluminum foil. Classic. What the f**k are you researching again? Does it have to do with the gulf? Or the effect of shiny things on attention spans? (There are so many things that I want to research that are based on stereotypes… but I just have to know the Truth)

Gentleman in Red – It has been known for quite some time that I look good in Red. If I could get away with wearing a red suit at the day job, you bet your ass I’d do it. So instead it’s strictly reserved for the pimpin’ hour. However, men wanting to catch the eye of women should also dress in crimson red, a color which new research shows makes them more alluring to the opposite sex. Women in the United States, England, Germany and China said they found men pictured wearing red, or framed in red, more sexually attractive than in other colors, the research published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology showed. Andrew Elliot, an author of the study from the University of Rochester, said red was thought to be sexy color for women only (ugh… not true?). "Our findings suggest that the link between red and sex also applies to men," Elliot said. "For women, the color made a big difference." Despite cultural differences related to the color, the findings of women being attracted to men in red were consistent throughout the countries. The research consisted of seven experiments, some split into two parts, each with a group of between 20 and 57 people aged 19 to 22 years old. Women participated in all the experiments, while men were included as a control group in one (because men find any color sexy). Women also associated red with higher status, a trend Elliot said is analogous with other primates. "In chimpanzees, the highest-ranking male turns more red quite dramatically during a competition for primacy. It's a clear status indicator. Females view that, and they go out of their way to mate with the highest ranking male available." The researchers suggested that for men wearing the color may trigger a change in behavior and that something as simple as wearing a red tie could give a more confident business presentation. I have to agree. I have my power tie… and the matching boxers. However, there is one aspect to the study that I simply need to find out for my own curiosity. Do women find the color red more attractive than the color green? I’m thinking that I need to conduct an unbiased study of women in any natural environment… and see which they notice first – The red shirt that I’m wearing or the hundred dollar bill sticking out of my zipper? Just to make sure that it’s not merely the location, I will reverse the study with a red handkerchief sticking out of my zipper… and a shirt made out of hundred dollar bills. This may prove to be even more interesting to my hypothesis. What do you think the results will be? I thought so. Anyway, here are pictures of ladies in red…

That’ll do it for today. Got some great concerts, great movies, a new roommate & plenty of sunshine to take in… so stay tuned on how $teve spends his free time. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Chinese Oil Drill

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sigh… Roommate inquiries rescheduled for today (last minute business opportunity apparently) so maybe we’ll meet up today. I’ll be starting to learn some more languages through Rosetta Stone over the next year thanks to a business opportunity myself… so if you start seeing random entry titles is some kind of funny talk, that may be a hint that I’m studying. “Did he just ask for oral pleasure in Mandarin?” Yeah, I’m thinking of brushing up on my German (been a decade or so) and then trying to decide whether to learn something directly useful like Spanish… or ambitious like Mandarin next. Definitely a lot more opportunity to use Spanish with coworkers, neighbors and at least a third of the people I run into on a daily basis. However, the ladies are also impressed with the Mandarin… especially if you can identify their accent as being from Kowloon Bay in Hong Kong. “I was born in Kowloon Bay.” “There you have it.” “This guy is good.” (Watch Wayne’s World, it makes more sense) May also go bowling tonight… or this weekend. Pork Chop wants to meet up and do something but… he’s very vague & flaky sometimes (hence why he associates with me, as that seems to be the way) so we’ll see.

Last night, Filly & I watched a movie that I had never seen all the way through before, “Mystery Men” starring Ben Stiller, Geoffrey Rush, Greg Kinnear and a slough of others… including I correctly identified Michael Bay as a Frat Boy (“Either that’s Michael Bay… or some other douche trying to look like him”). The story is about a group of wanna-be superheroes who come together when the REAL superhero of Champion City named Captain Amazing (Kinnear) is kidnapped by the evil Casanova Frankenstein (Rush, and possibly the greatest supervillian name ever). It’s… well, it has its moments. It’s one of Filly’s favorites (hence why we watched it) because it’s quirky and different… but yeah, I thought it was okay at best. I thought Geoffrey Rush was probably the funniest character in the movie. Not a huge Ben Stiller fan. Not sure why. Being a frustrated superhero in my own right, I can identify with wanting to help out and have a cause and saving the day and all that though. I could totally see myself showing up at the auditions like the Waffler (Dane Cook) and having a few catch phrases already saved up and ready to serve to evildoers. Anyway, if you haven’t seen it & you like quirky superhero comedies, then yeah, check it out. It’s kinda like “Kick Ass” but PG-13, that same kind of appeal. So here’s the news…

Chinese Oil Drill – We’re not the only international powerhouse with a giant oil spill that threatens a lot of our livelihoods & were ill-prepared to contain it. China's largest reported oil spill emptied beaches along the Yellow Sea as its size doubled Wednesday, while cleanup efforts included… wait for it… straw mats and frazzled workers with little more than rubber gloves. An official warned the spill posed a "severe threat" to sea life and water quality as China's latest environmental crisis spread off the shores of Dalian, once named China's most livable city (which is a bold statement for a country with over a BILLION people living in it). "I've been to a few bays today and discovered they were almost entirely covered with dark oil," said Zhong Yu with environmental group Greenpeace China, who spent the day on a boat inspecting the spill. "The oil is half-solid and half liquid and is as sticky as asphalt," she told The Associated Press by telephone. The oil had spread over 165 square miles of water five days since a pipeline at the busy northeastern port exploded, hurting oil shipments from part of China's strategic oil reserves to the rest of the country. (By the way, China just passed the U.S. as the nation that consumes the most energy) Shipments remained reduced Wednesday. State media has said no more oil is leaking into the sea, but the total amount of oil spilled is not yet clear (and therefore probably biblical in scale). Greenpeace China released photos Wednesday of inky beaches and of straw mats about 2 square meters (21 square feet) in size scattered on the sea, meant to absorb the oil (and then what?). Fishing in the waters around Dalian has been banned through the end of August, the state-run Xinhua News Agency reported. "The oil spill will pose a severe threat to marine animals, and water quality, and the sea birds," Huang Yong, deputy bureau chief for the city's Maritime Safety Administration, told Dragon TV. At least one person died during cleanup efforts. A 25-year-old firefighter, Zhang Liang, drowned Tuesday when a wave threw him from a vessel, Xinhua reported. Officials, oil company workers and volunteers were turning out by the hundreds to clean blackened beaches. "We don't have proper oil cleanup materials, so our workers are wearing rubber gloves and using chopsticks (no joke)," an official with the Jinshitan Golden Beach Administration Committee told the Beijing Youth Daily newspaper, in apparent exasperation. "This kind of inefficiency means the oil will keep coming to shore. ... This stretch of oil is really difficult to clean up in the short term." But 40 oil-skimming boats and about 800 fishing boats were also deployed to clean up the spill, and Xinhua said more than 15 kilometers (9 miles) of oil barriers had been set up to keep the slick from spreading. China Central Television earlier reported an estimate of 1,500 tons of oil has spilled. That would amount roughly to 400,000 gallons — as compared with 94 million to 184 million gallons in the BP oil spill off the U.S. coast. China's State Oceanic Administration released the latest size of the contaminated area in a statement Tuesday. The cause of the explosion that started the spill was still not clear (though I’m sure fireworks have been ruled out). The pipeline is owned by China National Petroleum Corp., Asia's biggest oil and gas producer by volume. Friday's images of 100-foot-high (30-meter-high) flames at China's second largest port for crude oil imports drew the immediate attention of President Hu Jintao and other top leaders. Now the challenge is cleaning up the greasy plume. "Our priority is to collect the spilled oil within five days to reduce the possibility of contaminating international waters," Dalian's vice mayor, Dai Yulin, told Xinhua on Tuesday. But an official with the State Oceanic Administration has warned the spill will be difficult to clean up even in twice that amount of time (but they’re definitely gonna try to beat our time). Some locals said the area's economy was already hurting. "Let's wait and see how well they deal with the oil until Sept. 1, if the oil can't be cleaned up by then, the seafood products will all be ruined," an unnamed fisherman told Dragon TV. "No one will buy them in the market because of the smell of the oil." That’s a simple marketing resolution away… but still, another major oil spill. Maybe I won’t be going to China on a cruise this October (it was honestly considered…and still is a bit despite the fact that it might look like the cruise ship is encased in asphalt when I wake up one morning near Dalian. I just hope that the respective governments and other entities can get these spills taken care of. I like seafood… and beaches… and affordable gasoline… and beautiful water… and oceans… and all that other stuff.

History of Sex – Then again, maybe I’m completely wrong and the ages-old wisdom of the Orient may be onto something with the straw mats. Sometimes some of the ancient ways are the most effective. Then again, maybe not. For example, sex toys have come a long way since the Stone Age - but then again, perhaps not as much as we might think. Last week, an excavation in Sweden turned up an object that bears the unmistakable look of a penis carved out of antler bone. Though scientists can't be sure exactly what this tool was used for, it's hard not to leap to conclusions (tehehe, hard…). "Your mind and my mind wanders away to make this interpretation about what it looks like - for you and me, it signals this erected-penis-like shape," said archaeologist Göran Gruber of the National Heritage Board in Sweden, who worked on the excavation. "But if that's the way the Stone Age people thought about it, I can't say." The resemblance is uncanny…but then again, maybe they were just trying to invite some people to their party cave and it’s a horribly shaped bicep. "Without doubt anyone alive at the time of its making would have seen the penile similarities just as easily as we do today," wrote Swedish archaeologist Martin Rundkvist on his blog, Aardvarchaeology. Well, if a fellow blogger says so, then I have to agree. The discovery is so recent, Gruber said, there hasn't been enough time to submit the finding for publication in a scientific journal, though the researchers plan to (and maybe a letter to Penthouse Forum). The carved bone was unearthed at a Mesolithic site in Motala, Sweden, that is rich with ancient artifacts from between 4,000 to 6,000 B.C. The area's unique features may have allowed bone artifacts, which usually get destroyed over the millennia, to survive. "It's an organic object, that's why it's special," Gruber told LiveScience. "Normally when we excavate early Mesolithic sites we never get the organic material. But this site where we're excavating now is along the shoreline. The preservation is very good here - it's been lying in the bottom sediments and clay layers of the river, and it's been well preserved there." The dildo-like object is about 4 inches long and 0.8 inches in diameter (hmm, surprising with the size of Swedes… but then again, it IS really cold up there). It's not the first time that such a phallic object has been found from the ancient world. Another item strongly resembling a penis was unearthed in Germany in 2005. That one is even older - dating from 28,000 years ago - and made of stone. Yet the recent discovery was enough to shock the scientists working at the dig, which is led by National Heritage Board archaeologist Fredrik Molin. "Nobody here, and nobody that we heard of or talked with, had ever seen something like this in northern European or Scandinavian sites," Gruber said. Perhaps instead of, or in addition to, its sexual purpose, the object may have been used as a tool, such as to chip flakes of flint, Gruber suggested…and then snickering to himself, I assume. One end is shaped into more of a point. It's not immediately clear whether the tool would have been one most likely to be used by men or women or both. "If it's a tool and it's also shaped like a penis, it could be an item where you want to discuss gender questions," Gruber said. Sexual symbolism isn't uncommon on ancient artifacts, though more often female symbols, such as those representing a fertile mother Earth, are seen. "I think this perhaps points in another direction, so to say," Gruber said. So what do you think? Did your ancestors make all-natural dildos? Is the Fleshlight just the next step of human sexual evolution? “UGG!!! Wife, what THAT?” “This ugh… this tool. See? Use to ugh… clean reindeer hide and ugh… club small creature over head.” “Then why you have it… in there?” “Oh ugh… me have no pockets and ugh… work better when kept warm.” See? Rosetta Stone’s already working as I now speak perfect prehistoric Swedish, but the accent could use some work.

Way to a Woman’s Heart – Many people have asked me, “$teve, how do I find the right woman?” And my advice is always the same, ask somebody else as I seem to have trouble in that area. “Hmm, maybe it has something to do with your casual conversation including obscure movie references, the latest in the world of pandas & 4-inch ancient Swedish dildos made out of antler?” Perhaps. However, I do know how to reach woman on a personal level. I know the way to a woman’s heart isn’t through acts of kindness, heartfelt sentiment, her rib cage, flowery gifts or even food. Rather, it’s through their pussy… and I’m not the only Utahn who knows this. A man is accused of violating a protective order because he allegedly sent letters to his estranged wife's cat. Authorities say 32-year-old Ronald Charles Dallas, of South Salt Lake, was ordered not to contact his wife, who is the alleged victim in a domestic violence case against him. Prosecutors allege Dallas mailed 11 letters from jail that were addressed to her cat Molly Judge (yes, the cat has a full name… and if you don’t know your girlfriend’s cat’s full name, then you’d better find out… no need to thank me, just pay it forward) and a neighbor, but were intended for his wife. They say the letters asked her not to testify against him. Dallas now faces 11 counts of violation of a protective order and two counts of tampering with a witness. His court-appointed attorney, Trent Ricks, says he couldn't comment until he speaks to his client. I know what his thinking was… and it’s the whole “I wasn’t contacting her. I was contacting our neighbor… and our cat” and that’s not going to fly, especially if you addressed the letters to your wife or something. “Dearest Molly, thoughts of you and your soft fur have kept me warm through these cold winter nights here in prison. I long for the day that we can be together again…and can feel you purring on my chest as we fall asleep watching Grey’s Anatomy. You know, one way that could happen sooner rather than later is if you convinced your mommy (my wife) to not press charges against me because of our little argument where I threw the beer can at her because she got me Natural Light and she knows that’s not my brand & I can’t swallow that carbonated urine. I’ve forgiven her and her forgetfulness and have moved on. Maybe you can convince her to do the same. All I’m saying is, maybe bring it up with her when she’s reading you this letter, as I know that you’re still trying to learn English through Rosetta Stone. Forever yours, Ronnie – P.S. Whatever you do, don’t let her send this letter to that Dr Mookie Love or his blog. I know this is all part of her plan to get me out of the picture so that she can be with that guy. She’s been talking about him for YEARS and thinks he’s some kind of quirky Casanova or something… but it would just embarrass all of us if he knew about our correspondence. By the way, did I ever tell you some of the dirty fantasies that she had about this guy? Really freaky stuff. Anyway, we can talk about it in person soon.” Yeah, that would be a shame if that information got into the wrong hands.

Special Delivery – Who doesn’t like deliveries? Sure, there are varying degrees of surprise and/or excitement concerning certain deliveries…but it’s always a little mystery (as long as you don’t think too hard about it…or remember that some people are getting married). You never know when you could just be raffling through some mail and stumble upon something unexpectedly wonderful. “Bills… catalogs… junk mail… wedding invite (do I know this person?) … more bills… non-descript brown box that seems to be humming addressed to my wife… what the? Is that… marijuana?” Indeed, police say a surprise 2-pound package of marijuana arrived in the mail last week at one elderly woman's home in southern Michigan's Blackman Township (yes, it’s a real city, about 75 miles west of Detroit). The woman called police. Detectives don't know who sent the weed. They learned that the Arizona return address on the package was bogus (420 Stoner Way? I believe that’s in Tucson). Police say the pot is worth about $2,400 (wholesale… and it must be swag). Deputy Director Jon Johnston told The Jackson Citizen Patriot that the marijuana either was sent to the woman's home by mistake or someone planned to snatch it from the mailbox before she checked. The pot will be destroyed… slowly over an open flame… in trace amounts in various basements in the lower peninsula. Hey, my dad was a cop for a long time when I was growing up. I know how these things work. Anyway, sorry if I ended up disappointing you every time that you go to your mailbox from now until the end of time… but hey, the new Maxim’s coming out soon. Right? That’ll put a smile on your face.

Elvis Update – It’s official. Elvis has been found with the angels. An Elvis Presley statue, taken earlier this month from the roof of a Maryland diner, was recovered Tuesday between two angels at a nearby cemetery. Baltimore County police say a customer found the 80-pound statue at the Faith Cemetery in Overlea and returned it to the diner. Police say the customer is not considered a suspect (the perfect crime). The now footless Elvis (not a foot fetishist, its feet were left bolted to the diner roof) was taken earlier this month from the Happy Day Diner in suburban Baltimore. Diner owner Maria Pigiaditis said after the statue was taken that a former owner bought the 7-foot-tall fiberglass Elvis for $1,500 in 2001, and until the theft he had only been taken down once for a "facelift" after a storm. I know I’m not the only one that thought about having an Elvis statue over their gravesite… but I’m glad it was found so that all the diner patrons in suburban B-more can get their Elvis nostalgia on. On behalf of all of us, thank you very much… The question remains though, who would want to steal the statue? Anybody. Period. That’s why there’s no suspect. Everybody’s a suspect… and that’s a LOT of paperwork with no leads for the past decade… until it miraculously appears in a cemetery (allegedly). However, theft of artwork of a celebrity isn’t where the money’s at…

Another Elvi Update - Autopsy tools used to embalm and prepare Elvis Presley's body for his funeral in 1977 and a toe tag used on the singer for identification purposes are set to go under the hammer at a Chicago auction house. The instruments up for sale at Leslie Hindman Auctioneers on August 12 include rubber gloves, forceps, lip brushes, a comb and eye liner, needle injectors, an arterial tube and aneurysm hooks, all of which the auction house say were used only once (and then turned to GOLD). The collection, saved for years by a senior embalmer at the Memphis Funeral Home who wishes to stay anonymous, also includes a toe tag marked "John Doe" which was used as a replacement after the original was stolen by a fan during chaos at the hospital. "The mortician, who prepared the body, retained this tag and the instruments, along with the preparation room case report, the case sheet, dry cleaning tags, the hanger to the singer's suit and tie and the coffin shipping invoice, which are marked "Elvis Presley,"" said Mary Williams, a spokeswoman for Leslie Hindman Auctioneers. The items will be sold in two lots, and the auction house estimated the lots will sell at between $6,000-8,000 and $4,000-6,000, respectively. Williams admitted the auction may be controversial as some people "are going to be disappointed" by the sale of these items but Elvis memorabilia was always in strong demand with a lock of his hair selling for $18,300 at an auction last year. "It's really about owning a piece of the celebrity themselves ... and how much closer can you get than the actual embalming instruments," Williams told Reuters. Elvis (allegedly) died from heart problems after taking a cocktail of prescription drugs on August 16, 1977, at the age of 42 but he continues to be one of the top earning dead celebrities, bringing in $55 million in 2009 according to Forbes.com. Oh yeah, $55 million last year… and he was dead for over thirty years. You made LESS than a tenth of a percent of that last year (statistics show). How does that make YOU feel? A lock of his rigid, over-stylized hair that’s been dead since disco sold for about a year’s salary after taxes. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. That’s just the kind of weight that Elvis still has in the industry. Speaking of celebrities that have long since given back to the world by donating worm food…

Marilyn Update - Kenneth Branagh (“Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein” & director of “Thor”) is apparently in talks to play acting legend Sir Laurence Olivier in the Marilyn Monroe biopic "My Week With Marilyn" for The Weinstein Company reports Production Weekly (not to be associated with “A Night in Paris” starring Paris Hilton). The story is based on a diary by Colin Clark, a young actor who worked for Laurence Olivier when the veteran actor shepherded Marilyn Monroe around London while she shot "The Prince and the Showgirl". Michelle Williams (hot dead wife from “Shutter Island” & Heath Ledger’s girlfriend, not the chick from Destiny’s Child…just to be clear) is set to play Monroe, no word on who'll play Clark (though I did turn in my resume). Simon Curtis directs and shooting plans to kick off late September. The project isn't to be confused with the other Monroe biopic "Blonde" starring Naomi Watts and based on Joyce Carol Oates' dramatized memoir and directed by Andrew Dominik. So two more movies about Marilyn Monroe told through the accounts of others are in the works. She’s been dead for nearly fifty years. Will somebody make a movie about your life? Maybe. Would anybody want to watch it? I would hope so. Sometimes when I’m sitting around doing nothing, I have what I call “A Truman Show Moment” and I ponder “If somebody was watching me right now, would they change the channel?” I also briefly consider if it would be because of boredom or sheer disgust… but yeah, I get bored easily, so I would then go out and do something, or at least make myself useful or entertained somehow. Do I think that down the road anybody’s going to make a movie based on my adventures? I seriously doubt it. Besides, I consider myself more of a long-running television series than a progressively worse series of sh*tty movie sequels. We shall see… and personally, I’m more interested on who my cast of costars is going to be.

Hmm… well, while I ponder that (already have Angelina & Audrey Toutou on the phone to play at least two parts), I guess that’ll do it for today. I’ll keep you posted on the roommates… and if any lucky young ladies decide to call upon my pleasure giving services this weekend. Stranger things have happened. Have a great day everybody!!!

2010 Halftime Report

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

We've reached the midway point of our 2010 season...but I'm going to hold off on analyzing it until I'm in a better (more focused) mood. Maybe next week. In less than 24 hours, my dad & stepmom will be here…and we’ll probably go check out the Thursday night festival that they have in downtown Truckee every week during the summer. I hear good things. Tonight’s a softball game…so we’ll see how that goes. Friday, they have a celebration down at Kings Beach with music by Blues Monster, so hopefully the folks’ll be interested in that. Saturday, we’ll probably meet up with my stepsister and her family in Carson City during the day…and then at night, there are a lot of possibilities. There’s ska music at the park near my house, a Jimi Hendrix tribute band called Purple Haze at the Crystal Bay Casino, and a big Deck Party in Kings Beach with music as well. Sunday, I’m sure I’ll be dragged to a parade or something…but then Monday & Tuesday, we take a trip out to San Francisco. See, apparently I’m the only one in my family who has been there…so I’ve got to share it with the little nephews that live in Carson & have never seen the ocean, right? Plus, it’s a great excuse to go see the city & my buddy Bubbles. So yeah, if you don’t hear from me for a week or so, now you know why. It should make for an epic week.

Last night, I watched an independent movie called “Cold Souls” starring Paul Giamatti…as himself. Sort of. Basically he plays himself in a production of “Uncle Vanya” which is a depressing Russian play. Because he’s a method actor, it starts to wear on him…and he stumbles upon an article about Soul Storage that promises to eliminate suffering…by taking the weight of your troubled soul. He agrees to do it temporarily so that he can do a great performance without the burden…and then get it back. Simple enough, right? Oh, you’re still stuck on the placing a soul into a storage container? Or what constitutes the Soul? Well, forget about that for a moment. Disbelief. Now, trafficking souls is big business between the United States & Russia…but obviously it’s a little shadier in Russia. Transporting souls is tricky when it comes to pressure, so no flights, but instead they have “mules” who transport them (you know, like heroin). Well, long story short, Paul’s soul gets stolen so that it can be put into the body of a (really hot) Russian soap opera actress who wants to be a big star…and Paul finds out…and has to go get it. Now, there’s a whole lot of metaphor & just general allegory kind of thrown your way during this movie…and it’s a little slow at times (but mostly to show just how distraught Paul is and why he would even consider doing something like this). That being said, I thought it was an okay movie. I think it was supposed to be a comedy…but it really wasn’t. You know how those independent movies can be. Great performances all around…but I kind of give it a “take it or leave it” review. The concept was what interested me. As you know, I’ve been contemplating a LOT of things the past month or so…and one of the things that came up was “Am I losing my Soul?” Don’t look at me like that. I’ve been feeling kinda “in the dumps” for a bit despite being surrounded in all this beauty & wonderful people…so it’s the only explanation, right? Yeah, didn’t think so. Anyway, I like my Soul. I couldn’t imagine giving it up…and I’ve got so much of it. I’m like a white chocolate James Brown most of the time. A ball of energy & positive emotions, always ready for a good time no matter where the time or place. So why do I have these feelings sometimes? I assume because I’m just not surrounded by my peeps like I’m used to…but even that’s starting to change a bit. I’m meeting people…and softball’s a lot of fun…and I may have even found another coworker who seemed interested in being a roommate, albeit he lives by the lake now…and will probably want to move just before the snow comes. Heck, I can’t blame him. I’d do the same thing. Anyway, we’ll see how that goes. Covet your Soul, ladies & gentlemen. You’re lucky to have it. Even if it looks like a chickpea (obscure reference to this movie). Here’s some news…

Little Dictator Update - A lock of hair cut from Napoleon Bonaparte's head after he died has sold for $13,000 at an auction in New Zealand. Extra phone lines were installed for the sale to cope with an expected rush of international buyers seeking to snip up the hair cut from the head of former French Emperor a day after his death in 1821 while he was in exile on the island of St. Helena. The circle of hair was part of a collection brought to New Zealand in 1864 by Denzil Ibbetson, a British commissary officer and artist. Ibbetson served on St. Helena during the six years that Napoleon was held on the island after being defeated at the Battle of Waterloo. The collection of about 40 items, including sketches by Ibbetson of Napoleon on his death bed at the age of 51, was sold by his descendants. "The collection has really been in remarkable condition and the family has to be commended for preserving this material for all this time, it's nearly 200 years old," Hamish Coney, managing director of the Art+Object Auction House, told Reuters Television. "In terms of a historical collection that will be located in New Zealand, it's probably one of the most important collections that has ever been found." According to the auction house the lock was bought by an unnamed collector in London. Coney said as well as local interest in New Zealand, there had been interest from Hong Kong, the United States, Lithuania and France. Thirteen grand for a few strands of 200-year old hair? WOW!!! I guess DNA research or something if…for some reason, you wanted to clone him…but really? Man, I don’t think anybody will ever be able to talk crap on any purchase that I make. “$teve, you paid two grand for a poster of Pootie Tang signed by Lance Crowthers?” “Hey, at least I didn’t pay $13,000 for a lock of Napoleon’s hair.” “But… actually you’ve got a great point there.” Anyway, I’m done talking about short French guys who have complexes named after them. Let’s move on to something better like…

HOT RUSSIAN SPIES!!! - Anna Chapman has been called the femme fatale of a spy case with Cold War-style intrigue — a striking redhead and self-styled entrepreneur who dabbled in real estate and mused on her Facebook page, "if you can dream, you can become it." Chapman's American dream, U.S. authorities say, was a ruse. The 28-year-old Chapman, they say, was a savvy Russian secret agent who worked with a network of other operatives before an FBI undercover agent lured her into an elaborate trap at a coffee shop in lower Manhattan (apparently it wasn’t just a casual flirtatious cup of coffee). Though the U.S. has branded the operatives as living covertly, at least in Chapman's case, she had taken care to brand herself publicly as a striver of the digital age, passionately embracing online social networking by posting information and images of herself for the world to see (hiding in plain sight). Prosecutors have charged Chapman and 10 other suspects with following orders by Russian intelligence to become "Americanized" enough to infiltrate "policymaking circles" and feed information back to Moscow. Assistant U.S. Attorney Michael Farbiarz has called evidence against Chapman "devastating." She is "someone who has extraordinary training, who is a sophisticated agent of Russia," he said. Her mother, who lives in western Moscow, said she is convinced of her daughter's innocence. "Of course I believe that she's innocent," Irina Kushchenko told The Associated Press. She refused to comment further. Chapman and nine others accused of being ring members were arrested across the Northeast and charged with failing to register as foreign agents, a crime that is less serious than espionage and carries up to five years in prison. Some also face money laundering charges. An 11th suspect was arrested in Cyprus, accused of passing money to the other 10 over several years. Prosecutors said several of the defendants were Russians living in the U.S. under assumed names and posing as Canadian or American citizens. It was unclear how and where they were recruited, but court papers said the operation went as far back as the 1990s. Exactly what sort of information the agents are alleged to have provided to their Russian handlers and how valuable it may have been was not disclosed. The FBI finally moved in to break up the ring because one of the suspects was going to leave the country, the Department of Justice said Tuesday. Court documents indicate the FBI believed Chapman was about to go to Moscow, but it wasn't clear whether her impending departure was the one that triggered the arrests. The court papers allege that some of the ring's members were husband and wife and that they used invisible ink, coded radio transmissions and encrypted data and employed methods such as swapping bags in passing at a train station. Farbiarz called the arrests "the tip of the iceberg" of a conspiracy by Russia's intelligence service, the SVR, to collect information inside the U.S. The arrests raised fears that Moscow has planted other couples (remember the 50’s when commies were everywhere?). Such deep-cover agents are known as "illegals" in the intelligence world because they take civilian jobs instead of operating inside Russian embassies and military missions. Russian officials initially denounced the arrests as "Cold War-era spy stories" and accused elements of the U.S. government of trying to undermine the improving relationship between Moscow and Washington. But the White House and Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin expressed confidence that the arrests would not damage ties between the two nations. So there are REALLY spies walking among us…and of course, they’re HOT!!! By the way, does anybody see this as possibly the GREATEST PROMOTION of a movie about to hit theatres in a while? What am I talking about? WHO IS SALT??? Hmm, superhot Russian operative who has been living among us & infiltrating the hearth of government? Anna Chapman (a.k.a. Anya Kapucikova en lieu of a far more suggestive James Bond-esque name like Xenia Onatop or Octopussy) may as well be played by Angelina Jolie!!! Like I wasn’t going to watch a movie with an armed Angelina in the first place… now it could be based on a true story. Sad thing is…this isn’t the only story of movie promotion taking this route…

They Call Him Machete – September 3rd can’t get here soon enough for Robert Rodriguez’ movie based on a fake preview from another movie “Machete” to hit theatres. Though the preview has been posted on my blog a few times over the years, this story has little to nothing to do with it…or does it? Police said an 81-year-old man was arrested after he chased another man around a taco stand in Salem, Oregon while armed with a machete. Yes, an elderly gentleman wielding a machete. Go ahead and picture it…and then laugh hysterically…until you realize that it could happen in your neighborhood. Salem police said Monday the man accused the taco stand owner of stealing a drill from his nearby business. When the taco stand owner denied it, the suspect left and returned with a machete. Lt. Dave Okada said the suspect chased the unidentified man around the stand several times before officers arrested him on accusations of menacing and attempted assault. He was booked into the Marion County Jail. There were no injuries in Sunday's incident. Also, is menacing an actual crime? I figured it was just more of a way of life or a dirty look or something. More like a…dangerous or evil attitude as opposed to action, which is basically just annoying. In this case, we’re talking about a grandpa off his rocker attacking another man with a machete over a drill. That’s not exactly my definition of Menacing…but I’ll double check with Webster’s. By the way, in my version of this story, the taco stand owner is played by a wise-cracking Cheech Marin and the old guy is played by Charlton Heston. Act like you wouldn’t like it…

I Read of Jeannie - American actress Barbara Eden, famed for her starring role in the hit 1960s TV series "I Dream of Jeannie," is writing a tell-all memoir about her career in Hollywood, The Crown Publishing Group said on Tuesday. The memoir, called "Jeannie out of the Bottle," will be published next year, detailing Eden's on and off-screen life with celebrities including Elvis Presley, Warren Beatty, Clint Eastwood, Paul Newman, Marilyn Monroe, Lucille Ball and her "Jeannie" co-star Larry Hagman. "Like Jeannie, I've been bottled up long enough -- it's time for me to pop the cork and talk about the amazing people I've been fortunate enough to meet along the way, and the highs and lows of my every day living," Eden said in a statement. The 75 year-old Arizona-born actress gained stardom from the TV show playing the beautiful 2000-year-old female genie who falls in love with an astronaut, played by Hagman. The series aired between 1965 and 1970 and produced 139 episodes and has been widely rerun on cable TV and in syndication throughout the world. Eden has also appeared regularly on stage in musicals and plays as well as films and guest appearances in other television shows. Will there be any insanely detailed orgy adventures complete with black-and-white stills? Probably not. Then again, when you’re talking about Elvis, Clyde, Dirty Harry, Butch Cassidy, Marilyn, Lucy and a guy that she called “Master” for six years, the possibilities are endless.

Harold & Kumar Christmas - Neil Patrick Harris is set to return for "A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas" and comedian Patton Oswalt will join him according to The Wrap. Harris himself confirmed to Hollywood.com that he will re-team with Kal Penn and John Cho for the third feature in the comedy series, despite meeting his apparent demise in 2008's "Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo" (I’m thinking in some kind of Obe Wan using the Force kind of appearance). Oswalt meanwhile is expected to play Todd Dennison, a high-strung friend of Harold's whose infant daughter gets accidentally high on second-hand pot smoke. The third 'Kumar' film began production last week in Michigan where shooting will continue until mid-August. The story follows the pair on a hunt for a new Christmas tree for Harold's father-in-law after Kumar burns it down. Should be a real side-splitter. Eh, we’ll see. Anything with NPH simply HAS to be good. Check out the record. Doogie Howser MD, Starship Troopers, Undercover Brother, the first two Harold & Kumar’s, How I Met Your Mother, Dr Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, hell I’m gonna take it all the way back to Purple People Eater. Oh, you don’t remember that one? Google that sh*t. It’s a kid’s flick before Doogie… and I just remember watching it at my grandma’s once and singing “One eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater” for like a week. What’s my point? All classics. NPH has the Midas Touch.

Fox Update – Sigh… so I guess you’ve all heard. The other day when I said it ain’t over until it’s Mrs. Megan Fox-Austin-Green, apparently that was the final straw for her…and it’s been made official to kill all hope. Megan finally married her long time boyfriend / fiancé Brian Austin Green. Fox's publicist Dominique Appel said Tuesday the couple was "happily married." The 24-year-old actress became engaged to Green earlier this month for the second time. The pair was previously engaged in 2006. It's the first marriage for both. The good news? Green is a dozen years her senior…so it gives me some hope that in a few years some beautiful woman will be able to hand the complex genius that is me…and we fall madly in Love and get married. Also, they’re happy. That’s what’s most important obviously. The bad news? Sigh… now who am I going to report on every week or so with career updates and sound bites to the media that will entertain me… and then pair them with a plethora of pictures that strike at my very core? We shall see. One thing’s for sure though, if I can get over Adriana Lima after she married someone who is vastly my inferior, then I’m sure that I can get over Megan as well. Time heals all wounds…and like I said, some lucky vixen out there will be able to handle all of me… even if I have to slowly work her into it. I’m a patient man. Congratulations to both of you, Brian & Megan. And I understand that I wasn’t invited to the ceremony. It would’ve been awkward.

That’ll do it for today…and I guess for probably the next week or so because I’ll have visitors. Don’t worry, when I return, there shall be plenty of brilliant insights, a few amusing anecdotes, and as always… a lot of pictures gloating just how awesome everything is here in sunny California… so you should just come visit when you get a few days off & I’d be happy to share it all with you. That’s right, I’m talking to you. You know the digits. You’ve had them for years. Call me up. Let’s make it happen. Anyway, have a great Independence Day Weekend everybody!!!

Taking Over for Junior

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I guess I’ll start off with the big news of the day. I got an email yesterday from my roommate…and he’s basically going to be moving out in about two months. It was a little expected because we don’t really hang out much, he’s got his other buddies & rooming with me was always kind of a temporary thing until he got to know the area. I knew that from the start. No worries. He’s gotta do what’s good for him…and frankly, that’s why all the utilities and stuff were in my name from the get-go anyway. I’m glad that he’s giving me some notice. So yeah, if anybody out there knows somebody looking for a pretty sweet living arrangement in paradise, let me know. I’ll be checking the local papers & putting word out on the streets I guess. Not too worried…but we’ll see what happens in the next month or so. Other than that, I’m excited for a possible date this weekend…even though she’s already had to reschedule for lunch & a movie. I know what you’re thinking…and it was my first thought too – The Friend Zone. The most dreaded of all zones…yet somehow $teve always seems to find his way there. Hmm, although it does give me a plethora of very beautiful friends… Anyway, semi-jokingly, when she told me that she had to move it up a few hours, I text back “Ah… lunch? I’m already headed for the Friend Zone?” She’s aware of my sense of humor, so she wrote back that the only way I was going there…was if I put myself there. I don’t intend to. Then again, who really intends to? We shall see. Besides, everybody knows that my most “successful” relationships usually start with breakfast…and frankly, the lady making a move. That’ll have to change though. If I have a flaw (and I did say IF), it’s that I’m a little timid. I just have to put myself out there…and some lucky girl’s gonna find out what she’s been missing out on…cuz let’s face it, I’m hot sh*t in a champagne glass…and most guys out there are cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup. I owe it to all the lovely ladies out there to let them know that there are some great guys out there. Anyway, to be continued…

Also, do you love the Muppets? Of course you do. What about Sex & the City? Yeah, I hate it too. However, if you want to see the new “Sex & the City 2” movie…starring Muppets, then I highly recommend that you check out the brilliant B’s Popsuede blog. It’s… it’s pretty much perfect hilarity… and it makes me want to watch “Muppets Take Manhattan” and pretend it’s a prequel.

Let’s see. Softball tonight. Allegedly I’m going to get to play the whole game. A few people aren’t going to be able to make it. We’ll see how that goes. I’m sure I’ll be put out into right field or something. I guess I’ll have to wait another week until playing pickup basketball in Incline Village. No worries. Either way should be a lot of fun. It’s just funny how in basketball, I base my performance on how much I dominate…but with baseball, it’s whether I don’t screw up. Ah well, wish me luck. Here’s some news…

Junior Retires – Back when I used to at least watch baseball, my favorite player was far and away, Ken Griffey Jr. Back when he was with the Seattle Mariners, there was simply none greater…and he was just a kid. He was going to shatter the record books…and do it with a style & grace that in the years since has been lost from the game thanks to contract disputes, media scrutiny & of course steroids. Well, a few years back, I had already passed on baseball, but Junior was able to achieve his dream through free agency. He was going to return home to Cincinnati, where his father played baseball for the Reds, where he grew up, and where he wanted to retire with a bunch of World Series rings. Unfortunately, he was plagued with injuries for over a decade…and the team was never really a contender for pennants…and the record book was never shattered (though despite all the injuries, he’s still 5th on the all-time list with 630 homers…and no steroids). Through all the adversity, he just remained a smiling kid in an adult body playing the game that he loved…for 22 seasons. Now, forty years old and back with the Seattle Mariners as a part-time designated hitter, he’s retiring from baseball. In his statement, he said, “While I feel I am still able to make a contribution on the field and nobody in the Mariners front office has asked me to retire, I told the Mariners when I met with them prior to the 2009 season and was invited back that I will never allow myself to become a distraction. I feel that without enough occasional starts to be sharper coming off the bench, my continued presence as a player would be an unfair distraction to my teammates and their success as a team is what the ultimate goal should be.” We’ll miss ya, Junior. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out the way that you planned…but hopefully you had fun while you were doing it. Nothing but the best.

Something Exciting in Delaware – Have you ever wondered what people in Delaware do for fun? Me too…and my best guess is to go to another state…but then I read this and found a new popular activity – Messing with Authority. See, Rehoboth Beach in Delaware isn't a topless beach… but a few transgender men caused a stir by treating it like one. Police say passers-by complained after the men removed their tops and revealed their surgically enhanced breasts over Memorial Day weekend (giggidy!). A lifeguard asked them to put their tops back on (“and for God’s sake shave”). The men initially refused, but covered up before police arrived. Even if they hadn't, though, Police Chief Keith Banks notes the men were doing nothing illegal. Since they have male genitalia (did he check?), they can't be charged with indecent exposure for showing their breasts. Banks says there's no need for a specific law to address the issue. Oh really? Rehoboth Beach commissioner Kathy McGuiness isn't so sure. She says the matter will be discussed at a town hall meeting next week. Well, I have the solution…and it’s a good one - Let the girls breathe. Why not? Are you sexist? Only somebody who is sexist would allow men to do what women are not allowed to do. Do you plan on passing a law where men have to wear tops? HA!!! Good luck with that, Miss McGuiness. Besides, is it hurting anybody? Except by maybe making gentlemen’s shorts fit a little tighter (and raising some questions about their orientation)? No. Not at all…and there’s fewer tan lines. Anyway… that’s what’s going on in Delaware.

Quite A Feet – In the city of Talent, Oregon, Todd Ragsdale enjoyed a peppermint mineral foot soak while relaxing at home Monday. It was well deserved after running a world-record distance without shoes over the weekend. Between 8 a.m. Saturday and 8 a.m. Sunday, the 41-year-old logged 102 miles barefoot (or more specifically, 413 laps on the South Medford High School track). Ragsdale made his run in the Relay For Life fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. The run left Ragsdale's feet bruised, blistered and swollen, but he said it was well worth it. I’m glad that this was for a good cause. I’m all for raising money for cancer research & kudos to Mr. Ragsdale on an astounding accomplishment by any stretch of the imagination. Seriously, running almost 5 MPH for 24 hours? I start getting short of breath after about 24 minutes on a treadmill. And he did it barefoot. I don’t even walk around my house in bare feet if I can help it, less a high school track. The only problem I have with this…is maybe the world record part. Granted, nobody’s really keeping track of this…but I’m sure there are guys in Kenya that run this much barefoot just about every weekend…and that’s in the savannah, not a high school track. Okay, probably not for 24 hours straight though…so I’ll give Mr. Ragsdale his due. Donate to cancer research y’all.

Elvis Update - The estate of the great Elvis Aaron Presley has signed a deal for Hasbro Inc. and PPW Toys to release an Elvis version of Mr. Potato Head. (Bone Junior’s probably already looking for it online) Kevin Kern, a spokesman for Presley's Graceland estate, told The Commercial Appeal the new toy is one of 15,000 Elvis-licensed products and is one the company is excited about (unlike the Elvis early pregnancy detection kit that replies “Lord have mercy” or “Thank you very much” depending on the results). The first of the Elvis potato heads will be released for Elvis Tribute Week in August. The toy will be in a jumpsuit. A second version with the likeness dressed in black leather will be on the market for Christmas (hint hint). PPW Toys spokesman Dean Gorby said the Elvis Mr. Potato Head will broaden the audience from young fans to adult toy collectors. Yeah, because that’s what Elvis needs. More fans. The man’s been dead for over 30 years and has more loyal followers than Jesus (probably because he’s been dead for over 2000 years). It’s always good to see Mr. Potato Head back in the news too. However, I’m still waiting on the live-action movie starring the only man who can pull off the character with absolutely no makeup – Sir Ron Perlman. I’ll keep you posted.

Biggest Burger – Mmm… what better to go with a Ron Perlman sized batch of fried potaters than the world’s biggest burger? An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with an 81 kg (178 lb) patty that took 12 hours to cook and four men to flip. The monster burger cooked up by Sydney cafe owners, Joe and Iman El-Ajouz, weighed in at 90 kg in total, eclipsing the previous record of 84 kg, set in Michigan. "Just flipping the patty was the main challenge for us, but it all went well," Iman El-Ajouz told Reuters. "My husband had to prepare special metal holders and a metal plate, he had one at the bottom one at the top, locked them together and they flipped the burger with that." The giant burger contained the giant beef patty, 120 eggs, 150 slices of cheese, 1.5 kg of beetroot, 2.5 kg of tomatoes and almost 2 kg of lettuce all topped off with gallons of special sauce on a giant sesame seed bun. It was eaten by employees at the café (so they couldn’t sue if it was undercooked). The variety of burger will be on the menu at the cafe for the next year in order to meet the conditions for a Guinness world record, but will set hungry patrons back around A$1,500 ($1,220), which if you think about it, is about $7 a pound. Only bad thing about this…is that they didn’t add any bacon. What the hell were they thinking? Beetroot? Come on, Aussies. You’re better than that. By the way, I realize that the eggs were used to keep the patty together…but isn’t that technically a meatloaf? Just throwing that out there.

Mortal Kombat Reboot? - A viral video has hit the past few days that's spreading like wildfire because it plays like a trailer for Warner Bros. upcoming reboot of the "Mortal Kombat" franchise. This professionally made clip starring Michael Jai White (“Spawn” & “Black Dynamite”) and Jeri Ryan (Seven of 9 in “Star Trek” lore) also includes multiple decapitations, cannibalism, mutated people and a much darker and grittier sense to it than the previous two fantasy/action films based on the video game. As for its origins? The clip first emerged on YouTube under the name 'MortalKombatRebirth' and is apparently a proof-of-concept reel that film director Kevin Tancharoen ("Fame") put together with the help of fight sequence coordinator Larnell Stovall ("Undisputed III"). This could be pretty cool. Yes, the two previous Mortal Kombat movie were insanely flawed and really just a way to capitalize on the game’s popularity with the kids…but if we’re talking hardcore R-rated gritty stuff, then I can definitely got on board for that. Anyway, I know you want to see a video with decapitations, cannibalism & mutants…so here you go…



X-Men Update – In more certain movie news, Michael Fassbender is fast becoming a hot commodity in Hollywood since his role in “Inglorious Basterds” last year. The German-born, Irish-raised actor is currently being linked to not one but TWO Marvel comic book film adaptations currently heading towards production. Showbiz 411 reports that "X-Men: First Class" director Matthew Vaughn is pursuing him to play the younger version of Ian McKellen’s Magneto in Fox's prequel project, which already stars James McAvoy (“Wanted”) as the younger Professor Xavier. That film is slated to kick off filming soon in the UK for release next Summer. At the same time, Fassbender is being pursued to play the villain in “Spider Man 4" at Sony Pictures. As that film isn't scheduled to hit until mid-2012, its production won't kick off until sometime next year. Fassbender is expected to choose one over the other, the question is which one and how it will fit into his schedule. The actor is currently shooting David Cronenberg's "A Dangerous Method" and will next star in David Jacobson's "A Single Shot". The actor will be seen onscreen in "Jonah Hex" later this month and "Centurion" in August. Indeed a busy man…but once you get into the Marvel Universe, you can pretty much set yourself up for a while. Anyway, we’ll see. I can totally see him as Magneto though. That’d be kick-ass.

Well geez, I guess that’ll do it for today. So much uncertainty in my near future…but hey, I’ll just live day to day and see what happens. Worst-case, Filly’s getting into the crowd down in New Orleans that could get her a job as a paranormal investigator. I’m not joking. You could actually put that on your taxes. So now I’m having images of driving around the country in my Baby fighting the forces of Evil (and making sweet love to a few demons & angels along the way) like Sam & Dean Winchester on “Supernatural.” Don’t think I’m not giving this some serious thought. The only problem I had with the premise of the show before was the lack of a paycheck…but even if it’s ten bucks an hour plus gas money, who knows? That’s not likely though. Have a great day everybody!!!