Friday, January 29, 2010

Pork: The One You Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Again, I honestly don’t have much to talk about personally. Just been busy at work, then coming home, cooking some dinner, talking to loved ones on the phone, watching “Planet Earth” videos through Netflix, and getting my nightly Daily Show & Colbert Report. However, there have been some interesting things going on around the world…so I thought I’d share those with you…

Pork for Porking? – As you know, I mention politics sparingly on this blog…because I’m just disenchanted with the whole system in general. However, when I do bring it up, it’s usually to discuss the sex lives of these political figures. Today is no exception. Argentina's (hotchuma hotchuma) president recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra Wednesday, saying she spent a satisfying weekend with her husband after eating barbecued pork. "I've just been told something I didn't know; that eating pork improves your sex life ... I'd say it's a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra," President Cristina Fernandez said to leaders of the pig farming industry (oh, pandering). She said she recently ate pork and "things went very well that weekend, so it could well be true." Argentines are the world's biggest per capita consumers of beef, but the government has sought to promote pork as an alternative in recent years due to rising steak prices and as a way to diversify the meat industry. "Trying it doesn't cost anything, so let's give it a go," Fernandez said in the televised speech. So wait…is there free pork in Argentina now? Okay, I’ve heard about oysters and pumpkin pie and stuff like that being an aphrodisiac…but pork? I guess it makes a little sense. Especially if you’re into that whole hot, dirty, stanky, squealing pig sex…which I’m sure we all are. I see this as just another great thing to emulate when I decide to become a politician and go across the country. I can see my future press conference in Detroit. “Ladies & gentlemen, I’m here to tell you that one of my goals…is to bring the great city of Detroit back into prominence…and take the American automobile industry back to the top. Why am I so passionate about this? Because my daddy was conceived in the backseat of a brand new ’57 Chevy…and I was conceived in the backseat of a Ford Mustang Cobra…and my daughter was conceived in the bed of my Jeep…and God willing…MY DAUGHTER WILL BE KNOCKED UP IN THE BACKSEAT OF AN AMERICAN CAR!!!” The crowd goes bananas…and I’m on every television station in the world.

Really, John Edwards? – So I wasn’t really surprised by the whole John Edwards baby daddy thing because…well, little surprises me in this day & age. However, I was REALLY surprised when the latest little quirk in this story came in. The ex-mistress of two-time presidential candidate John Edwards wants a "very private and personal" videotape back from a campaign aide who wrote a book about the politician, according to court documents. Rielle Hunter was granted a temporary restraining order against former Edwards loyalist Andrew Young in a North Carolina court. It seeks the return of photos and videos, including one she says she made in 2006 while working for Edwards. "In or about September 2006, using my video camera, I authored a personal video recording that depicted matters of a very private and personal nature," Hunter wrote in an affidavit filed Thursday. "In 2006, I was also having an intimate relationship with Edwards." Yeah, we got that. "The decision was made that the Video be destroyed" in December 2006, Hunter wrote. She said she pulled out the tape from the cassette and stored it in a box with personal belongings. In his book, Young describes viewing a sex tape that showed Edwards and a woman he assumed was Hunter. Young says some videotapes were inside a "box of trash" that Hunter left behind at a home he rented for her. He says that the tape had been pulled out of its cassette casing, but that he was able to fix it. It's not entirely clear whether it's the same tape that Hunter is seeking; Young said in his book that the naked woman depicted in the video was pregnant. Hunter had her child with Edwards in 2008, more than a year after she says her "private" video was made. So maybe this was somebody else & Edwards is a chubby chaser too. The Web site of ABC News was first to report on Hunter's bid for a restraining order Thursday. The network has several interviews with Young scheduled to air in the coming days as he promotes "The Politician," which is set to go on sale Saturday (of course). Attorneys for Edwards said in a statement Friday that they have not had an opportunity to read the book but urged "extreme caution" about it. The lawyers, Wade Smith and James Cooney III, said it's obvious from media reports that "there are many allegations which are simply false. It appears that Andrew Young is primarily motivated by financial gain and media attention." Duh. Edwards only recently admitted paternity of Hunter's daughter, who is now nearly 2. He and wife, Elizabeth, are now separated. Deputies in Orange County said in court documents filed Friday that they went to Young's home to try and recover the tapes and personal photographs of Hunter. After some discussion, Young's attorney told authorities that he could not immediately turn over the tape. Along with winning the restraining order, Hunter has filed a lawsuit against Young and his wife, seeking a jury trial and damages for invasion of privacy (good luck with that). Young's attorney did not immediately return a call seeking comment. Young's book is a cringe-inducing chronicle of Edwards' affair, the lengths he went to cover it up and the marital mess it brought. But it also includes a detailed discussion of hundreds of thousands of dollars that changed hands privately, money that was used to hide Hunter from the press and Elizabeth Edwards. Sounds great…but a sex tape? Really? Doesn’t anybody know that if you’re getting some extramarital trim, you don’t document it? Hundreds of thousands of dollars in cover-up money? Burning receipts, post-its, paternity tests, raunchy emails, cover stories, steam cleaning the hotel rooms, denial denial denial…hmm, I think I’m forgetting something. OH SH*T!!! I forgot to destroy the sex tape!!! I just…don’t get it. Granted I don’t understand cheating in the first place but…you f**ked up. Bad. Why would you purposely f**k up when you KNOW you’re being watched 24/7? The thrill? Well, enjoy it playa. You’re living on the edge now.

Girls Gone Wild Update – In local news, Wednesday a federal judge said charges against a former Nevada sheriff's deputy accused of accepting gifts in exchange for giving preferential treatment to the jailed creator of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos won't be dismissed. U.S. District Judge Larry Hicks denied a motion from the lawyer defending former Washoe County jail Sgt. Michon Mills, who served as a liaison between Joe Francis' lawyers and the jail in Reno while he was held on tax charges from June 2007 to March 2008. Francis is the founder of "Girls Gone Wild." The bribery trial is expected to continue Thursday and into Friday. A Hollywood associate of Francis has pleaded guilty to a related misdemeanor charge and admitted he provided Mills with a $4,500 Cartier watch and a $5,000 Saks Fifth Avenue gift card. But the associate, Aaron Weinstein, testified that Mills never considered the gifts a bribe and eventually gave back the unused gift card and unworn watch. Two other former deputies also have pleaded guilty to accepting a gratuity as a public official, including one who received $3,200 in cash and four tickets to an Oakland Raiders game in exchange for bringing Francis sushi on two occasions (apparently he didn’t like the “fish” in prison). Francis, whose videos feature women exposing themselves on camera, was sentenced in November to time served and one year of probation related to tax evasion counts and bribing jail workers. The charge against Mills should be dismissed partly because Weinstein testified that the gift card was a personal birthday present and the watch was a Christmas gift, Leah Wigren, Mills' lawyer, told the judge on Wednesday. Weinstein said he never indicated Mills was expected to give Francis special privileges. He said Mills was surprised when he gave them to her (without asking her to take her top off) and indicated they were not necessary. "The government has not shown that she as a public official — or in carrying on her public duties — got a gratuity for, or because, of an official act," Wigren said. Hicks said that would be up to the jury to decide. The 39-year-old Mills had been assigned to be the point of contact with Francis after he was placed in the mental health housing unit of the jail. Prosecutors said that while he was there, Francis was allowed to run his multimillion dollar pornography business that includes selling videos of nude college girls in sexual situations. Deputy Heather Balaam testified earlier this week that Mills treated Francis better than other inmates. She said Mills also brought Francis magazines, and insisted she be told every time he was disciplined. She also said other inmates in Francis' unit complained that he talked very loud on the phone all day and night (reception’s probably horrible). Other deputies described Francis on Wednesday as "troublesome" and "high maintenance." Assistant Sheriff Lisa Haney said Francis was held in the special unit where inmates are treated differently in part to keep peace at the jail because "he had money" and "there might have been some inmates who hit him up for money." Sgt. Ty Lariviere said Mills served as the liaison "due to the high volume of calls and high maintenance of his legal defense team. Mr. Francis was extremely manipulative, very demanding. He would not have fit well in the general population housing unit. In addition, being such a high profile inmate, there is greater risk for an inmate on the way to prison to harm Mr. Francis in order to make a name for himself." Just wait until how annoying he can be once he gets a hold of the Edwards sex tape. Anyway, who says crime doesn’t pay? Stay in school, kids. Who knows? Maybe you can start a new frontier in technology, entertainment, or both.

Moneyshots in 3D – Sigh… Okay. It was bound to happen. Veteran Italian erotic film director Tinto Brass is planning what he calls the world's first-ever 3D pornographic production says The Hollywood Reporter. Brass is most famous for 1979's "Caligula", the controversial Gore Vidal-penned all-star film version of the life of the insane Roman emperor. The project achieved a level of infamy when producer and magazine publisher Bob Guccione took the project out of Brass' hands and inserted scenes of hardcore pornography into the action without Brass' consent. Brass says the time is right for 3D technologies to be used to create an erotic film which will also be the first 3D film of any type made in Italy. (Viva Italia!!!) Presently a few select adult websites offer 3D porn, but using the old fashioned red/blue glyph technology rather than the modern 3D stereoscopic version ("It's like it's coming out of the screen at me!!!"). Story wise he says with the film he plans to "revisit an abandoned project about a Roman emperor that was ruined by Americans, and go from there." Casting and script work is already underway with, filming to start in May or June. Now, first off, this sounds like an intriguing and epic project. Ah, just wait a minute. Here me out. Basically, Senor Brass is looking to make an epic Roman film that's true to historical form. Like Gladiator meets Fellini...or like Spartacus skipping the innuendo and going full frontal. Don't even pretend like there's not a huge market for it either. It's a throwback to the way porn used to be. You know, events held at theatres. It could be something great...and I wish him the best of luck. However, I do have to burst his bubble. It won't be the first 3D pornography. As anybody who has seen "Avatar" knows...there was full penetration in their love scene. I was amazed that James Cameron got away with it...but then again, he is the King of the World. Oh yes there was. The little tentacle dreadlock things...and the close-up as they embraced and inserted into one another. Extraterrestrial coitus, my friend...and you let your kids watch it. What the hell is wrong with you?

On that thought, I'm going to leave you with your guilt...but please be sure to have a fun & fantastic weekend. I know Bubbles is in Tucson, Lilie's going to Vegas, and I'm try to get my taxes taken care of tomorrow. Oh & help seniors play Bingo. Sigh... Responsibilities are fun. Well, my version of fun. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Relax, Don't Do It

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Nowadays, there’s a lot of stress out there. Money’s a HUGE one. Do I have enough to survive? Am I getting laid off? Am I going to have to move? What if I can’t make my payments? Will I have to move in with my parents? Will they have a basement to move into? What if I can’t afford good schools for my kids? Why is gas so expensive? Can’t we get like a 55 gallon drum for $70 now? Maybe you’re stressed about work, your family, your friends, finding a future significant other, maybe just an overall anxiety about everything. Well, I’m here to help you…as always. How? I’m going to share with you a few Do’s & Do Not Do’s when it comes to relieving stress…and trust me, I’m a doctor.

One method is just to kick back, relax, maybe pop some popcorn, grab a frosty beer, and watch an entertaining movie. Now, comedies are usually the best for a stressed-out scenario…but that’s not what I watched last night, so deal with it (in the calmest manner possible). The movie that I watched was “Surrogates” starring Bruce Willis as a detective in the not-so-distant future, where 98% of the population live through surrogates (basically robots that serve as their avatars or something) in the real world while they lie in a chair at home. The remaining 2% live on reservations in machine-free zones and are led by Ving Rhames threatening revolution. It comes to a boil when a few people are killed through their surrogates…which isn’t supposed to happen…and of course, Bruce Willis is to the rescue. Did you like “I, Robot”? Then that’s how you’ll feel about this movie. It’s basically the next, more fundamental step in the moral perspective of that movie, where instead of just having robots do all the physical labor…and possibly feel emotions, it’s people living through their robots instead of really living their lives. How much is it like “I, Robot”? The exact same actor (Sir James Cromwell) plays the scientist who created the robots and then saw his creation perverted by corporate greed. Anyway, it was okay. Again, not the best for relieving stress…but it’s an action flick.

Hug a Furry Creature – Pets usually have an incredible ability to help you relieve stress (unless they just pissed all over your apartment). Dogs are always excited to see you when you get home and want nothing more than to just pounce on you and lick you for hours (I know the feeling all too well). Parrots will say “Herro!!!” when you walk in the door…and pussies just love being stroked & played with…and there’s just a great connection when you’re playing with your favorite furry creature. And then there’s PETA. The animal rights group wants organizers of Pennsylvania's Groundhog Day festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic stand-in (oh yes, they like robots too). People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says it's unfair to keep the animal in captivity and subject him to the huge crowds and bright lights that accompany tens of thousands of revelers each February 2nd in Punxsutawney, a tiny borough about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. PETA is suggesting the use of an animatronic model. But William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club (how’s that for a cloak & dagger type club name?), says the animal is "being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania." (Really? What does that say about kids in Philly?) The groundhog is kept in a climate-controlled environment and is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture, while apparently children are taught to fend for themselves at a young age and rummage for food in the frozen tundra of Gobbler’s Knob (oh yeah, it’s a real place). Deeley says PETA isn't interested in Phil from February 2nd on, and is looking for publicity. Sigh… Of course they’re looking for publicity, Punxsutawney Bill. That’s why organizations exist…because if they were just one person b**ching then they wouldn’t make the news. However, I’m a little disturbed at what PETA is suggesting. I mean…surely they know of Phil’s magical powers to predict the future, primarily with regards to weather patterns. Now they suggest there to be a robot that can duplicate these magical powers…and essentially control the weather. I don’t know about you (PETA chairman Cobra Commander) but I shudder to think of it. That sounds like trouble to me…and I won’t have any part of it. Let the Groundhog have his day…and stay away from those coarse, scaly serpents…and hug a furry creature. You’ll feel better. However, you probably don’t want to take it too far…or out of the home…like this guy did on the New York subway. He prefers to be called the Chicken Lover.

Don’t Play Video Games – Some video games may put you at ease…but the vast majority will just frustrate you. “Oh $teve, it’s okay. I’m just going to play a soccer video game. You know how soccer puts me & every other American right to sleep.” Oh really? That may sound like a great idea…but let me tell you a little story about a family in Italy. Once upon a time a few days ago, an Italian man named Fabrizio was playing “FIFA 2009” with his 16-year old son Mario (if he has a brother named Luigi, I’m cry laughing). After a few games, police say an argument broke out when the 46-year-old storekeeper offered his son advice on tactics to improve his play, and then turned the television off in response to his son's behavior. Fetching a knife from the kitchen, Mario stabbed his father in the neck with a 15-inch knife before returning to clean the weapon at the kitchen sink in front of his mother and leaving it to dry on the draining-board. The mother Monica told Italian daily Il Corriere della Sera that she had no idea what had happened until her husband stumbled into the room, clutching his throat. "I saw Mario come back into the room, he seemed calm, he went to the sink and I noticed him washing a knife. Then my husband came into the room with a hand round his neck, dripping blood." The teenager shut himself in his bedroom after the attack and made no attempt to resist arrest, police said. The game had been given to Mario a few days earlier, as a birthday present. "Mario is obsessed. He's forever playing on his PlayStation, and we bought him FIFA 2009 because we didn't want him playing violent games." See? Even video games of non-contact sports can enrage someone into a stabbing mood…and that’s not what you want. Instead, why not relax on your couch…and play a favorite album from “back in the day” that you know all the words too…and reminisce about the memories associated with these tunes. I’m sure there are a few albums that you’re thinking of right now…and if not, then go through your collection. No, not your iPod. I mean the REAL collection. You know, cases with production notes and stuff. That’ll take you back. ”Oh man, I haven’t heard this album in years.”

Stay Out of Traffic – Personally, I know that sometimes going for a little drive can be quite therapeutic and help you to get your head straight about things…and maybe just go on a quick zany adventure…but if you live in the city, just stay at home. Why? You never know when something like this may happen. An East Tennessee man told police that a woman in a vehicle in front of his jumped on his hood and kicked and punched his windshield as he waited for a traffic light to change. The man, John P. Williamson, 37, said the incident was unprovoked. According to The Daily Times of Maryville, police quoted the woman as saying she was being followed (and probably a little high). The 58-year-old woman was arrested and charged with vandalism of more than $500. She was being held in lieu of $1,000 bond pending a hearing Thursday in Blount County General Sessions Court. Menopause sucks. One thing I’ve learned…is you don’t drive angry (or under the influence of medications). That can lead to some pretty bad things. However, I’ve also learned that sometimes the best way to get everything in perspective is to meet up with a great friend or family member…and just talk about the situation. Even if your friend isn’t an expert in…well, anything, sometimes it’s good just to bounce it off somebody else, take in their feedback…and then decide what to do from there. Phones work well for this too…but hey, nothing beats a good ol’ pat on the back or a shoulder to cry on…or just somebody to laugh with. Just stay away from paranoid old ladies behind the wheel.

Rest & Relaxation – Sometimes, there’s just nothing like rolling up in a soft snug blanket, laying on some fresh hot sheets straight out of the dryer, taking a few deep breaths, picturing some beautiful, exotic location…and just zoning out for a few. It’s just a great feeling, right? Well, somebody else feels the same way…and has a way for you to take that feeling on the road. International hotel chain Holiday Inn is offering a trial human bed-warming service at three hotels in Britain this month. Oh yes, I said bed-warming. If requested, a willing staff-member at two of the chain's London hotels and one in the northern English city of Manchester will dress in an all-in-one fleece sleeper suit before slipping between the sheets (ah, I want that job). "The new Holiday Inn bed warmers service is a bit like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed," Holiday Inn spokeswoman Jane Bednall said in an emailed statement to Reuters. The bed-warmer is equipped with a thermometer to measure the bed's required temperature of 20 degrees Celsius (68 Fahrenheit). Holiday Inn said the warmer would be fully dressed and leave the bed before the guest occupied it (otherwise it costs extra). They could not confirm if the warmer would shower first, but said hair would be covered. Florence Eavis, Holiday Inn spokeswoman told Reuters that the "innovative" bed-warming method was a response to Britain's recent cold weather and marked the launch of 3,200 new Holiday Inns worldwide. She could not explain why the beds were not being warmed by hot water bottles or electric-blankets, but admitted the human method was quirky. Holiday Inn is promoting the service with the help of sleep-expert Chris Idzikowski, director of the Edinburgh Sleep Center, who said the idea could help people sleep. “There's plenty of scientific evidence to show that sleep starts at the beginning of the night when body temperature starts to drop. A warm bed - approximately 20 to 24 Celsius - is a good way to start this process whereas a cold bed would inhibit sleep." And besides, it helps to keep some hot bodies employed. Well, if this service becomes popular and used steadily, then I wish Holiday Inn nothing but luck. It is a great idea…but is it feasible? We shall see. Personally, I don’t think they take it far enough. All you luxury hotel chains out there, just keep in mind…that this idea is Patent Pending

Imagine arriving at your hotel after a long day of travel to get to your desired location. Last year’s anniversary trip turned out to be pretty bad…but this year’s going to be different. As you open the door, the distinctive odor of Love fills your nostrils (something like a fine mixture of lilac, jasmine, eucalyptus & just a pinch of pheromones a.k.a. stank). A trail of rose petals guide your eyes to the fireplace lit before a presentation of fruit & chocolate strawberries on a soft blanket that seems to be fur or some kind of fuzzy knit pattern. The flames flicker off the centerpiece bottle of wine and seem to make the entire room glow in a magical dance of orange & shadow. You hear the smooth rhythmic vibrations of the perfect harmony of drums, a funky electric guitar, a washboard, and a silky baritone over the radio next to the bed, which has a heart made of more petals over inviting linens covering an overstuffed mattress. The drapes are open wide revealing the majesty of the city at night (or mountain sunset or wherever you are). “Excuse me.” A tall handsome gentleman in an Armani suit steps out of the bathroom tucking in his shirt and fastening the top button of his jacket. “I’m terribly sorry to startle you. My name is $teve, I am the Love Butler here at the hotel. Miss Dupaix is putting the ugh…final preparations in the bathroom but I see that you’ve already noticed the presentation. I’m sure that it’d be quite an exhausting journey here, so please replenish yourselves. Miss Dupaix & I took the time to test, prepare & warm the bed for you and then put on some fresh linens from the dryer. We have several musical selections to choose from that I have arranged in ascending order from mellow to bow chicka bow wow…and if you need anything else…and I mean. Any. Thing. Else. Please do not hesitate to dial extension 6969 and we’d be happy to accommodate.” A voluptuous maid with briskly tossed hair steps out behind him, “Oh, bon jour.” She stands on her tippy toes to whisper something into $teve’s ear and…did she just nibble his earlobe? “Thank you, Miss Dupaix. We appreciate your…Passion for your craft. Well, Mister & Misses Smith, I will leave you two to…do as you please. Have a great evening.” As he exits the room, curiosity gets the best of you…and you open the door to the bathroom to reveal…ah ah ah. Patent Pending. Let’s just say a great night is had by all…and oh yeah, the bed was warmed in there somewhere too. You’re intrigued, I know. Just wait until I get into the industry, then we’ll see how this idea goes. Yesterday, the roommate & I went grocery shopping & then to Panda Express, so you know what that means…

Fortune Cookie of the Day – “If you continually give, you will continually have…in bed.” – I knew I did charity for some reason. I’m going to help the recreation center host a senior night…where there will be a spaghetti dinner, a charity auction and of course…BINGO!!! It should be quite the experience…and who knows? Maybe I’ll meet another volunteer there who’s not a big fan of lonely subzero nights. Sometimes just giving to others is a great way to de-stress…and meet new friends…and just have a fun time. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Once again, if you need to distress or need somebody to talk to, you know the digits. Call your Doctor. I always answer…eventually. Have a relaxing evening everybody!!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It's Not A Tumah

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

There’s really not much going on with me personally. The past few days have just been busyness (business, is that where it comes from?) at work & then when I get home, I’ve been enjoying my DVR complete with funny & nerdy shows that I need to catch up on from the past year & trying to kind of plan out this big road trip of mine in April. Also, I spend a lot of time on the phone with friends & family. Boring, yeah, I know. Wish I had more to tell ya. It’s ugh…been snowing. I’ve been working out. What? You want to hear more about that stuff? Really? Well, then Facebook me or something. You’re probably the only one. So here’s some movie news to hold you over until something cool happens…

China Renames Mountain After Avatar - A city in central China has renamed a mountain after the US blockbuster movie "Avatar," which set a Chinese box office record until its run in the country was cut short. The majestic peak in Hunan province previously known as "Heaven and Earth Pillar" or "South Sky Pillar" has been officially renamed "Avatar Hallelujah Mountain," the Zhangjiajie city government said in a statement. The statement, posted Monday on the government's website, said the peak was believed to have inspired a floating mountain, one of the most dramatic images in the movie, set on fictional Pandora. Juxtaposing photos of the mountain with stills from the film, a report in the local Xiaoxiang Morning News said a Hollywood photographer came to the area on a four-day trip in December 2008 and shot a number of photos that were used by the film's artists. The futuristic adventure was released in both 2-D and 3-D versions January 4th and has become China's all-time box-office champion, topping $80 million in sales, state media said last week. However, its 2-D run in China ended on Friday amid reports it was pulled ahead of schedule by the government to make way for the patriotic biopic "Confucius," about the ancient Chinese philosopher (played by Chow Yun Fat). It is still running in 3-D. The Xiaoxiang Morning News said officials expect the mountain's similarity to the film version to trigger a tourism boom during the week-long Spring Festival holiday starting on February 14th. The mountain is in the Wulingyuan Scenic Area, which is famed for its soaring sandstone pillars and was designated a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1992. How about that? Pretty cool huh? Anyway, that’s about it. Really no satire associated with this one. I just really want to go check out more of China when I’ve got more money than responsibilities again.

See the 80’s in 3D - 80's cult film staples "Gremlins" and "Ghostbusters" are both looking to get new 3D sequels. First up MarketSaw reports that a third "Gremlins" film is in the works and will be shot in 3D. The project is a brand new film rather than a 3D retrofit of the original but as it's so early there's no word on who will be penning the script (maybe I will). The same site also says the previously reported on third "Ghostbusters" film is proceeding as planned, but with 3D now added into the mix. Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky are penning the script. Ever wondered what a hundred-foot marshmallow man would seem like in 3D? Or what happens when you feed Gizmo after midnight? I’m thinking there may be a crossover in the works here…and then throw in a DeLorian & Chevy Chase just because. Why not? It’s the 80’s all over again.

Machete Update - Two major, independently-financed genre films just scored major distributors after intense bidding wars. First up following a highly successful late-night screening on Saturday at Sundance, the Ryan Reynolds trapped-in-a-box thriller "Buried" was sold to Lionsgate. The deal is said to be worth a pricey $3-4 million plus a significant marketing commitment, the mini-major (jumbo shrimp) beating out interest expressed by several other distributors. Meanwhile 20th Century Fox beat out five other studios for the rights to distribute Robert Rodriguez's "Machete", the spin-off feature from the fake trailer first seen with 2007's "Grindhouse". The winner is no huge surprise as Fox is already working with Rodriguez on "Predators", the upcoming "Predator" franchise reboot he's producing for release this Summer. “That’s great, $teve. Somebody bought Machete. Who cares?” It gives me an excuse to post this trailer again…and remind you that the cast for this fake trailer turned action behemoth includes Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, Michelle Rodriguez, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal (lawman), Jeff Fahey, Rose McGowan, Tom Savini, ROBERT DENIRO…and ugh…I think I’m missing somebody. Oh yeah, Danny Trejo stars as Machete. “They f**ked with the wrong Mexican!!!”

Cheesiest Film Quotes – On that note, I’m also posting this video that claims the 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes. You can be the judge of that…but an interesting collection nonetheless. Please enjoy. I'm sorry there's so much Arnie...

Other than that, I’m all outta good movie gibberish. I should have a few reviews for tomorrow though. My Netflix is finally coming through with some goodies. Maybe I’ll have an amusing anecdote to share as well…or maybe a dream that stands out from all the steamy fantasies that you’ve heard again & again. You never know. I’m like a box of chocolates that way…as well as being sweet & delicious and going straight to your thighs. Have a great night everybody!!!

Monday, January 25, 2010

I'm Going For The Saints Since You Asked

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was pretty nice. Saturday, I went to get my hair did at pretty much the only barber in town…but luckily, it’s Manstyle Barbers and less than a mile from my house. It’s a pretty nice little place in a loft overlooking historic downtown Truckee (see pictures) and the barber was pretty cool. We talked about football, pickup basketball games in the area, moving to the area and all that stuff. For lunch, I also decided to stop by the Bar of America & try their turkey cheese steak. It was pretty good…you know, for being turkey. I also tried the Truckee Book & Bean, where believe it or not, it’s a bookstore…with a coffee shop inside. I know, never saw it coming, right? The ladies behind the counter were very nice…and there were plenty of books to be read & educated types to converse with…but I ain’t a big fan of reading on a beautiful sunny day (or any other day really) so I ordered a chai spiced cider, glanced through the erotica section & then headed out to wander. Good times.
I told you I'd take a picture, JL Clyde

Sunday, I woke up & went to the rec center to shoot some hoops while listening to Journey’s Greatest Hits. Great album. I like the Sunday morning attendant’s taste. Last week it was Springsteen & John Cougar. Then I went home & was flipping through the channels when I saw PBA Bowler Kelly Kulick become the first woman to win a PBA Tour title. I didn’t even know until a few hours later…but I was witnessing history. Congratulations Kelly. Also, I stumbled upon Alyssa Dehaan. Who’s she? Only a 6’9” woman who plays for Michigan State University’s basketball team. Oh yeah, hot. So yeah, I kinda watched that game during commercials of football. Oh yeah, there were a few football games too. Great ones too. Two weeks from now, the Colts & the Saints will be playing in Super Bowl XLIV (44 in English). It should be a great game…with great commercials. My friend Filly, who I helped move to New Orleans, called me when she was on her way to work last night…about an hour after the game ended…and basically there was rioting in the streets. I would imagine so. The last time that the city of New Orleans won anything…was January 26, 1815. Go ahead, Google it. It’s a history joke. Anyway, I hope they win the Super Bowl. Peyton & the Colts have theirs. I wanna see the underdog team full of players that nobody else wanted to hold up that trophy. WHO DAT??? Anyway, here’s the news this week on silly crime…

Something Fishy Going On - A U.S. border inspector suspected something fishy about the truckload of white sea bass headed into San Diego from Tijuana, Mexico. It was a good hunch. U.S. Customs and Border Protection said Friday that authorities seized 708 pounds of marijuana stowed under the fish (would’ve suspected cocaine given they were white sea bass). An officer at the Otay Mesa border crossing ordered the truck driver aside Thursday night to put the cargo under X-rays. Authorities said they found 29 wrapped packages of marijuana hidden beneath the fish and a layer of ice. The driver was a 34-year-old man from Ensenada, Mexico, whose name was not released. He was booked into a downtown San Diego jail for investigation of drug smuggling. I’d say the case was pretty open & shut…but then again, maybe he had a good alibi or something. “No, is garnish. You know, make food look good.” “Why is there over 700 pounds of it?” “Ugh…it was on sale? I don’t know, I just drive truck.”

“It’s Just Sugar!” - East Tennessee police said a Knoxville woman who was later arrested for cocaine possession initially told an officer that she had been eating a powdered doughnut. The Maryville Daily Times reported that a 21-year-old woman was arrested on Thursday and charged with possession of a Schedule II substance with intent to sell or deliver. She was also cited for driving on a suspended driver's license, driving without proof of insurance, failure to maintain her lane of traffic and possession of drug paraphernalia (guess which one has the longest sentence). According to an Alcoa police report, a field test on the substance indicated that the white powder she put in her mouth as an officer approached the car was cocaine, not a sugary pastry. She was being held in the Blount County Jail on a $12,250 bond pending a court hearing on Monday. I’m sure it’s not the first time that that defense has been used…and it sure won’t be the last.

Grand Theft Auto - Sheriff's deputies in central Florida found a suspected car thief playing the "Grand Theft Auto" video game, and they later charged him with just that. Polk County deputies investigating the theft of a 1998 Dodge Durango arrested 30-year-old Michael Ray Ekes on Thursday. They found the SUV outside a Haines City home. Ekes was inside in the house, playing the popular video game. Ekes was charged with grand theft auto, burglary and drug possession. At the time of his arrest, he was out of jail on bond for another grand theft auto charge (so does this make “Grand Theft Auto II”?). According to Polk County jail records, Ekes remained in custody Friday. Bond had not been set and no attorney was listed. Hmm, I wonder if anybody has ever robbed a bank…and then been found playing “Kane & Lynch: Dead Men” or something. Or stole a bunch of change, destroyed public property while on PCP, and killed a bunch of tortoises…then were found playing Super Mario Brothers. “AH, I just ate-a de mushrooms. Now I have-a de fireballs. Pyoon, pyoon, pyoon, pyoon.” “Sir, please stop jumping around and put that lizard down.” “Yoshi, we’s a got to get outta here. Quick, hop into the cart.” And there’s the world’s shortest police chase as he rides a Barbie Go-kart into the wall as the police sedate him. I’m sure it has happened before.

“I Thought the Cop Was A Prostitute…” - A 51-year-old Detroit man was arrested for impersonating an officer after police said he interfered with a prostitution sting. Wayne County Sheriff Benny Napoleon said in a release Wednesday that the man pulled alongside an undercover female officer on Detroit's east side, flashed a badge and yelled "get off the street." Another man who believed he was speaking with a prostitute wisely drove away. Napoleon said the suspect continued to follow his deputy, but sped off when she told him she was an officer. He was stopped and arrested by other deputies who found a loaded .40-caliber handgun, a Detroit police badge, hats and other clothing with police logos in his pickup. Sounds like a little vigilante justice trying to clean up the streets of Detroit…but yeah, probably not the best way to do it. Probably not a good idea for a 51-year old man to be riding by in a Cadillac (oh I KNOW it’s a Cadillac) and telling ladies to put some clothes on. Or maybe he was just warning her to “get off the street” because there was a crazy old man in a cop’s uniform with a loaded gun nearby. I, for one, would be appreciative of such a warning.

Megan Fox Update – Okay, so I quickly glanced at’s Top 99 Women of 2009 list, you know…because I could…and I have a number of critiques, just from the first dozen. However, I’m going to stick to the top two that I have. The first is…well, number one. Oh yes, Emmanuelle Chriqui is hot. Please don’t get it twisted. Seriously though? What would I know her from? Oh yeah, she was the short agent’s girlfriend in a few episodes of “Entourage” and she was in that stupid Sandler movie “Zohan” but…I disagree. In fact, I pretty much wrote this list off at that point. Then when I finished the Top 10…and there was no Megan Fox, I’m pretty sure that men weren’t even questioned about this list (she was #11 by the way). “But $teve, there are dozens, maybe hundreds of these stupid f**king lists on the internet & in publications and only your lists mean anything to us…so why do you even bring this one up?” Because it gives me an excuse to post THESE!!!

You know I don’t need a real excuse. So anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hope you all enjoyed it. Wow, February’s right around the corner. Only a few more weeks to get me a Valentine’s Day present, ladies (or gentlemen, I like gifts). If you need suggestions, just ask. I’ll give you a few options so that it’ll be a surprise for me. “You can get me…ugh, I don’t know…how about ugh…a hot, steamy love letter confessing your inner-most desires for me, complete with provocative photos or ugh…a golden toilet.” “Wow, that’s it? How about chocolates or something?” “Sure you can throw those in with the toilet. Like I said, surprise me.” You know I’m easy to please (in most ways) so yeah, if you’re without a Valentine this year, let me know. We’ll see what we can work out. We could be alone together. By the way, about half way through this paragraph my baritone voice just went down about three octaves. Have a great night…ladies.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Great Day for Daddies

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, a very happy birthday to my dad. Now, he tells me that it's his 39th birthday...but the math just doesn't add up...but whatever, I'll give him the benefit of a doubt. Dad, you're the best!!! Without you, I wouldn't be nearly the man that I am today (take that as you will) and I sure as hell wouldn't be here in Lake Tahoe living the dream (well, not THAT dream but a very good dream nonetheless). You're the best...and I hope that you're repaid by your favorite Kansas City Chiefs winning...well, anything. God knows they've tried by signing everybody who's left the New England Patriots the past few years. Is Drew Bledsoe still playing? Steve Grogan? Anyway, happy birthday!!!

In other great news for fathers in my family, my brother has custody of my niece. Apparently the show in court yesterday was...quite entertaining. The crack whore was so entertaining in fact that she was called to the witness stand three times, just to clarify all the documented discrepancies of her past (not even the mountain of evidence in the past few years...but they were still looked at). So my niece is safe for now...and we'll see what the final custody decision is when the divorce is finalized or whatever (I don't even care what they technically are, she hasn't been around for over a year except to kidnap my niece she can OD for all I care). Anyway, outstanding news...and here's some more news...

Conan Gets Paid – I assume you’ve all heard about the whole NBC fiasco with Conan & Jay Leno, right? You know, Jay leaving to do his own show (which was basically the same) and Conan taking over the old show…but then Jay said he wants it back…and Conan tells him to file for unemployment…or whatever. I don’t know the details…but I just know it sounds stupid. Well, Conan O'Brien bid NBC good riddance Thursday in a $45 million deal for his exit from "The Tonight Show," but his immediate future in television remains a question mark. The contentious two-week battle that would allow NBC to unseat O'Brien and move Jay Leno back to the program he hosted for 17 years, comes less than eight months after O'Brien took the "Tonight" throne from Leno. Under the deal, O'Brien will get more than $33 million and the rest will go to his 200-strong staff in severance. What happens next for O'Brien? "We don't know," his manager, Gavin Polone, said Thursday. "While we have had expressions of interest, we have not had any substantive conversations with anybody." Ideally, said Polone, O'Brien "wants to get back on the air, doing the show he's doing now, as soon as possible." There has been much speculation on where that might be. ABC (which airs "Nightline" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live!") has said it wasn't interested, while Fox, which lacks a network late-night show, expressed appreciation for his show — but nothing more. Comedy Central has also been mentioned as a future home (and they used to air episodes a few days later midday...which was awesome). Meanwhile, O'Brien might conceivably conduct off-camera business with his old bosses. "We do have a continuing development relationship with Conan's (production) company," said Marc Graboff, chairman of NBC Entertainment and Universal Media Studios. "So we still keep the door open." Regardless, the point is that he got paid…and his peeps got paid…and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he just decided to say Phuket in Phuket for a few years. Hell, if my funny ass got $33 million to not do my job, I could not do my job from just about anywhere…comfortably. Anyway, good for you Conan. I hope to see you back on TV soon…but if not, I understand.

Does Charlie Daniels Play a Mean Fiddle? - Country music legend Charlie Daniels says he's "doing fine" and working away the numbness in his left hand after suffering a mild stroke while snowmobiling in Colorado. "I can still play my fiddle. I can play my guitar. One of the first things I did when I came home from the hospital in Denver was to pick up my guitar and make sure my fingers still worked on it," he said in a phone interview on Wednesday night. The 73-year-old has begun physical therapy, not because of doctor's orders — they told him the feeling in his hand would return on its own — but "to speed up" the process. He will do another session in Colorado this week, and find a therapist when he returns to Tennessee. Daniels doesn't plan to cancel any of his upcoming shows, which resume in February. He blames his stroke on high blood pressure. "It had gotten higher than what I realized it was. We have taken steps to remedy that, and we are back in the game." When the left side of his body began to go numb on that snowmobile ride on Friday, Daniels realized he was having a stroke. The thought crossed his mind that he may never be able to play music again, but he didn't dwell on it. "I never seriously thought, 'Well, this is it.' I just look for everything to turn out good." Daniels said "the fingerprints of God were all over" his experience. He wasn't far from the local hospital in Durango, which he said had only recently begun stocking the drug used to break up the blood clot in his brain. If he had arrived any later, the clot would've caused permanent damage. Additionally, a plane was immediately available to take him to Denver. "It's just an absolute fact that God was looking after me," he said. The stroke did make Daniels stop and think. "It makes me realize that things can happen to you, but I choose not to sit around and worry about the possibility that I could have another stroke. It's not imminent by any stretch of the imagination." He does have a list of things he still wants to do. "I want to keep entertaining people. I want to go fishing in Alaska again. I want to go back to Israel, which I intend to do in March." And he'll continue doing what he loves. "I love riding snowmobiles. I love fishing. I love shooting guns. I do a lot of target shooting when I'm at home. I love horses. I love cowboys. (???) What the heck, I may take up skydiving next, who knows." He may say that God had something to do with it…but I’m thinking quite the opposite. I’m thinking the Devil wanted a rematch…thirty years in the making.

Riding his snowmobile down the freshly powdered trail, Chuck notices a familiar face wearing less than he should on the snowbank. “Devil! What’s up buddy?” “Listen here, Daniels. I’m tired of going to a bar to unwind after work…and every single f**king time, I have to hear a bunch of drunken rednecks sing that damn song that you wrote about our little duel back in the 70’s. Granted, I didn’t write a non-disclosure clause in our contract…but you didn’t have to do me like that.” “Sorry Big D but the royalties from that song paid for this new snowmobile. I didn’t know it was against the rules.” “Well, the time has come, old chum. I think it’s time that we duel it out again. Whattaya say? For old times sake.” “I don’t need another fiddle o’ gold. That song’s a classic.” “Fine. How about…if I win, I get to take your song…and if you win, I hook you up with one of my hottest demons? Deal?” “Look Devil, I’m down with a gentleman’s duel…just to whoop your hairy tail again.” “RAAAAGH!!! DAMN YOU DANIELS!!! Fine. Then let us begin!!!” Long story short, Charlie Daniels fiddles like a fiery demon & wins because the Devil started shivering towards the end of his solo. It was a lot colder than he’s used to there in Durango. “That’s how you do it, son.” “I can’t believe you beat me again.” “I done told you once you son of a b**ch, I’m the best there’s ever been.” “F**k you, Daniels!!!” and the Devil whipped his tail & smacked Chuck left side making it go numb…and disappeared in a poof of smoke. Then you already know the rest of the story…with a few fabrications by Mr. Daniels so that we wouldn’t know his relationship with the Devil, of course. P.S. Daniels is best known for his 1979 hit "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." The Charlie Daniels Band earned a Grammy for best country vocal for the song…and if you don’t know it, you’d better ask somebody. In fact, I think it’s the latest song that I karaoke’d to with my Wingman last year.

Awkward Situation - Police said a man and woman from New Hampshire are each facing prostitution charges after the man called police to say he'd paid for sex, but the woman then refused. WMUR-TV reported a 22-year-old woman and 32-year-old man were cited into court at a later date. Police said the man called Marlborough Police on Monday to say he'd paid the woman and a third party (her pimp Upgrayedd) $150 to have sex with him on Sunday, but she wouldn't follow through. Police said they're still investigating the third party…but apparently he’s got too much game. “I don’t even know this woman…and I sure as HELL don’t know why she ain’t out on the corner of Bush & Knowlton right now.” “But daddy, I rolled my ankle & damn near got frostbite.” “Hop on your good foot & make me some money, b**ch. I don’t care if you got cold feet.” It’s a damn shame when you can’t even trust the institute of the world’s oldest profession anymore. God knows it’s freezing up there in the Granite State…and with a motto like “Live Free or Die” you’d think they’d be cool with something like this. He just wanted a little female companionship to make it through those long frigid nights. There ain’t nothing wrong with that…if it’s consensual. I’m just guessing that she decided against it, he asked Upgrayedd for the money back, “Na na playa, see…you paid ME the money. If SHE doesn’t wanna go through with it, you’d better take it up with her.” “What? This is bull. I’ll make sure you never do business again.” “Son, how many pimps do you think there is in New Hampshire? You may as well just go to the cops.” Who knew he’d actually do it? In other fellatial financial news…

Amsterdam Update - Amsterdam's deputy mayor proposed new measures Tuesday to help tackle forced prostitution, including restricting opening hours for brothels and raising the minimum age for prostitutes to 23 from 18. Lodewijk Asscher, who faces re-election in March, said prostitution should be banned between 4 AM and 8 AM (a.k.a. where dreams are made) to complement existing efforts to fight crime, exploitation and human trafficking in Amsterdam's 800-year-old red light district. On Dutch radio he proclaimed, "Only the biggest creeps and boozers are walking around at those hours. (Hey, f**k you too) Women really dread working then and sometimes the most vulnerable are used." But the local union for prostitutes said it was against Asscher's proposal because the early morning hours are among the most lucrative for many women (sleepover hours). "This is not a good idea, this is the time when the prostitutes can make the most money," said Metje Blaak, a spokeswoman for the Rode Draad union for prostitutes (who says unions are a bad thing?). She said that raising the minimum legal age would lead more girls into underground, illegal brothels. Prostitution was legalized in the Netherlands in 2000 but authorities have toughened their stance on the business in recent years to fight organized crime and clean up inner city areas (as documented on my blog for years). In 2008, Amsterdam announced plans to halve the number of brothels in its red light district. The Dutch government is introducing stricter permit rules for brothels and registration requirements for prostitutes…which I think is great to maintain the high standards and health of everybody involved. However I just don’t know how changing the age is going to help…and I say let the market determine the hours of operation. If they have enough demand to be staffed at five in the morning, then more power to them. You know what you get when the government enforces cutting hours for no apparent reason? The DMV…and nobody wants that experience in the Red Light District. “I’ve been waiting for three hours. My buzz is completely gone. You all should allow outside food, beverage & recreation into this place. This is Amsterdam, right? I hear you’ve got some great tulips here.” “It certainly is Amsterdam, sir. Now, may I please have your license, registration, letter of recommendation, complete dental & medical records…” “Whoa, I think you misunderstood me. I’m just here to get a nut.” “Sir, in order to obtain services you need to provide us with…” “And heeeere’s that neon toilet paper y’all call money over here. I’d like something in a brunette in you have it, preferably Italian. Ooh, do you happen to have a menu?” Maybe it’s a good thing that I haven’t been to Amsterdam yet…but soon. Very soon. Oh don't worry, I'll check out the Anne Frank Museum & the Rembrandts and stuff too. I'm all about the culture...but those places aren't open at midnight...and what's a young man to do?

Pineapple Express - Dutch authorities said on Friday three men had been arrested for trying to smuggle cocaine from Latin America to the Netherlands hidden in shipments of pineapples. The raid, conducted Tuesday in cooperation with Belgian authorities, also turned up a machinegun, a pistol and silencer, ammunition and 119 mobile phones. One man was arrested in Rotterdam and one in Amsterdam, while the third was already in custody on another matter (underground prostitution?). The public prosecutor's office said in a statement the investigation followed the seizure in November of 900 kg (one sh*t ton) of cocaine in Panama, hidden in plastic crates in a sea container full of pineapples bound for Antwerp. It was the second time in two weeks that authorities in the Netherlands, a primary entry point for cocaine into Europe, disrupted a drug-smuggling operation with an unusual cover. On January 5 they said they had seized more than a tonne of cocaine shipped into Rotterdam and hidden among containers of whisky from Jamaica ("We t'ought it was sugah, mon"). At least I'm not into that stuff. Cocaine is horrible stuff that will destroy your body & mind. How do I know this? Musicians, actors, Scarface, friends, I pay attention. I ain't putting that stuff up my nose. Hmm, although if it were diluted in some pineapple...NO!!! It's still bad stuff. I'm more of an ecstasy man anyway.

That'll do it for today. Supposed to be really nice this weekend so I'll be sure to get out there and do something. It's snowing a little bit right now so I'll wait for that to pass. Feel all sorts of cramped staying indoors on my time off...but really, the only thing I can do in the late hours is go to a bar or something...and I don't need a DUI or to drop that kind of cash. Oh well, I'm sure I'll find something to do. In the meantime, have a great weekend everybody!!!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

So You're Saying There's a Chance

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It has been snowing the past few days and a few feet of mostly powdery snow has fallen. It’s quite lovely when you’re not driving in it. Actually during lunch the other day, the Weather Channel was on the TV at work & they were talking about the Lake Tahoe area and the great snow that we get out here and the scenic beauty. I had to let out a “Wow, that place looks awesome. I may have to take a trip out there.” In typical fashion, after the snowstorm comes in & drops a foot or two, the next day is beautiful clear & sunny. Then it repeats over the course of about six months from what I’m told. Not a bad setup out here. You should all come enjoy it at least once. I warn you though. A lot of the locals that I meet came out here for a vacation…and have yet to go back to work a decade later.

Also, this morning I was brushing & scraping the two feet of snow & ice off my Jeep, Gretchen, while she was warming up. A little back-story, being a Richard Cheese Superfan, I was sent an advance copy of his latest album “OK Bartender” and it was in the CD player. Well, I’m finishing up brushing the Jeep off…neighbors nearby doing the same…and I open the door to get in just as Richard Cheese is belting out, “My neck, my back, lick my p***y AND my crack” (admit it, you all know the Khia song) and the neighbor closest to me gives me a weird look as I turn it down. “Ugh…is that…you singing?” “No. It’s a lounge singer named Richard Cheese.” “Oh okay, I’ve just noticed you singing songs like that before…and he kinda sounds like you.” “Oh…well thanks…I think.” Make awkward social advances, not war. P.S. Check out that new album…and help keep Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine in business. Maybe I can convince them to come to Truckee or South Tahoe or Reno or something.

While snowed in, I watched yet another Hitchcock classic for the first time, “North by Northwest” starring Cary Grant & Eva Marie Saint. It’s the story of an advertising man (Grant) and a case of mistaken identity with a spy. No matter what the story, everybody’s convinced that he’s a spy…and it forces him to go on the run. Along the way, in true Hitchcockian fashion, he meets a mysterious beautiful big breasted blonde (Saint) and get caught up in a web of lies, deceit, danger, suspense, double crosses, plot twists & occasional nookie. You know the oft-copied/parodied scenes of the biplane trying to run down somebody…or the foot chase on Mount Rushmore? It’s from this movie. I highly recommend checking it out. In vivid Technicolor. Now, the news…with a bit of a Chinese twist to it…

Starbury Goes Global – Remember Stephon Marbury? The ultra-talented point guard out of Coney Island (inspiration for Spike Lee’s “He Got Game”) with the Minnesota Timberwolves in the late 90’s/early 00’s that teamed with Kevin Garnett? Then wanted to be the big shot & pouted a lot…so he got traded around to a bunch of different teams? Then got traded to his hometown Knicks…and still pouted? Then just wouldn’t play or got benched or whatever the story is? Then left? Then signed with the Celtics last year…and played horribly? No? Well, maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Anyway, he plays basketball…and now he’s signed with a team in the CBA. No, not that CBA…but the Chinese Basketball Association (where the 6’3” guard will probably play center). The 32-year-old has agreed to a deal with the northern club and would arrive in Shanxi next week, the team announced on its official Web site. Shanxi boss Wang Xingjiang said, "The aim of signing Marbury is to pay back our fans and try to win more games in the rest of the season." The 2001 and 2003 NBA All-Star was expected to help boost Shanxi's ticket sales as well as their chances of making the playoffs. Shanxi is currently 15th in the 17-team league. In an interview posted on Shanxi's Web site, Marbury said he wasn't daunted by the language barrier. "I'll communicate with the fans through my basketball. I think this will be a unique experience. To go overseas to play ball, to live, for me it's a challenge." (God knows I’ve thought about it) Wang added that Marbury's salary would not be too high (still $25,000 a month) because he wants to promote his personal brand of shoes in China. Celtics coach Doc Rivers said he isn't surprised Marbury is back on the court. "I did not think he was done. I thought someone would actually pick him up this summer. I think he's going over there probably to prove that he can play." He isn’t the first to do this. Last season, Shanxi hired former NBA player Bonzi Wells, who scored as many as 50 points a game. The contract ended after less than two months though when Wells went on vacation but failed to return on time. So we’ll see how this goes for the troubled former superstar. I hope it turns his image around a bit. I still see him playing center in that league though. I remember when I went over there & saw the Shanghai Normal University basketball team, their center was under six foot. I wonder if their offer to play for them still stands…

Chinese Matchmakers - China's central government has set up a match-making website to help thousands of busy but lonely government workers find love at work (a.k.a. sh*t where you eat). "Are you still single and bitter?" asks the pink-themed website (*http:/ Look no further. The official government website for the "Central Government Unions Magpie Bridge" featuring a young man and woman peering at each other around the corner of a log cabin calls itself "the most trustworthy matchmaking platform." "Members have high caliber, are well-educated and have stable jobs. All information has been confirmed by the labour union at their respective employer, and registered with the Ministry of Public Security, to assure accuracy and reliability." Magpie Bridge has so far attracted more than 5,000 civil servants from the central government and the Beijing municipal government since it was established in 2005. It is named after the bridge of birds that once a year connects mythical Chinese lovers Niu Lang and Zhi Nu (not to be confused with the mythical evil interstellar warlord of Scientology, Xenu). The website aims at providing a "pure and safe environment," different from commercial matchmaking sites which are notorious in China for being filled with fake personal information. It doesn't list a success rate but, at 100 Yuan ($13) for a year's subscription for a civil servant, it seems a bargain. Hmm, would that include maybe…a professional basketball player in a state-ran economy? Hmm, maybe I can find me some Love in China…and at a fraction of eHarmony’s rates…but then again, I’d be a sports star, getting mobbed in the subway all the time. “Thank you, thank you, I’m sorry. I have no idea what you’re saying. Do you want me to sign your baby? Sign your baby? Is that why you’re holding it up to me? Do you have a Sharpie?” Ah memories…

Great Wall of Chaka - The Great Wall never looked so tasty. A team of Chinese confectioners have built a 10 meter (33 ft) long replica of the structure entirely out of chocolate in a bid to entice Chinese to eat more of the sweet stuff. The chocolate wall is made from solid dark chocolate bricks stuck together with white chocolate and is one of the attractions at the World Chocolate Wonderland exhibition and trade show which will open to the public later this month. Chocolatier Wang Qilu said his version of the ancient wall was a feat of engineering in itself, with a carefully constructed crumbling section at one end to resemble the real thing (nice cover for a mishap). He also had to make sure his materials did not melt (bring it to Truckee). "You have higher and lower levels and you have to fit each brick into place, one by one, to build it up, it's difficult," he said. Up to 80 tons of chocolate (approximately 328 million calories by the way) were used in making the displays, which include a mini-army of 560 chocolate replicas of the famous Terracotta Warriors standing to attention on a layer of chocolate flakes. The show's general manager, Tina Zheng, said she hoped the displays would give chocolate a boost in the Chinese market and its billion-plus consumers. "Chocolate has not been around in China that long, it doesn't have that several-thousand-year history that it does in the West which has made chocolate as common as milk or fruit. While in China, chocolate is a specialty or something given to children, in general, it is not widely known." Local and foreign chocolate manufacturers will take part in the show, she added. Mmm, sounds delicious. At least I know there’d be a pot of chocolate at the end of the bridge of magpies if I were to join Stephon over there. By the way, the original terracotta warriors were just made out of a flatbread that has been sitting for over 2000 years. It’s on the internet now. It has to be true. Okay, maybe not…but this is…

Marriage Finally Pays Off - Historically, marriage was the surest route to financial security for women. Nowadays it's men who are increasingly getting the biggest economic boost from tying the knot, according to a new analysis of census data. The changes, summarized in a Pew Research Center report being released Tuesday, reflect the proliferation of working wives over the past 40 years, a period in which American women outpaced men in both education and earnings growth. A larger share of today's men, compared with their 1970 counterparts, are married to women whose education and income exceed their own, and a larger share of women are married to men with less education and income (that’s basically the same statistic twice, right?). "From an economic perspective, these trends have contributed to a gender role reversal in the gains from marriage," wrote the report's authors, Richard Fry and D'Vera Cohn. "In the past, when relatively few wives worked, marriage enhanced the economic status of women more than that of men. In recent decades, however, the economic gains associated with marriage have been greater for men." One barometer is median household income, which rose 60% between 1970 and 2007 for married men, married women and unmarried women, but only 16% for unmarried men, according to the Pew data. The report focused on U.S.-born men and women aged 30-44 — a stage when typical adults have finished their education, married and launched careers. The Pew report noted that today's Americans in this age group are the first such cohort in U.S. history to include more women than men with college degrees. In 1970, according to the report, 28% of wives in this age range had husbands who were better educated than they were, outnumbering the 20% whose husbands had less education. By 2007, these patterns had reversed with 19% of wives had husbands with more education, compared with 28% whose husbands had less education. Only 4% of husbands had wives who earned more than they did in 1970, compared with 22% in 2007. During that span, women's earnings grew 44%, compared with 6% growth for men, although a gender gap remains (is that anything like Baby Gap?). According to 2009 Census Bureau figures, women with full-time jobs earned salaries equal to 77.9% of what men earned, compared with 52% in 1970. The Pew researchers noted that the economic downturn is reinforcing the gender reversal trends, with men losing jobs more often than women. So gentlemen, if you just got laid off, maybe you should go bag yourself a wealthy wife. Get yourself a nice hot sugar mama, retire to the hills and raise a few beautiful children together. Then when your wife’s working long hours to get that promotion, and she shows up late for dinner AGAIN, and she’s too tired to be intimate after you’ve waited for her all day, and the kids would rather hang with their friends than you, and it seems the only person that acknowledges your existence is the poolgirl giving you the eye…or your wife’s best friend who lives down the street. OH YEAH!!! Not quite the same when the roles are reversed now is it? Sorry. I come from divorced parents. And I watch too much TV. I still think Marriage can be a great thing…despite what statistics show. It’s kinda like…there’s a lot of sh*tty art out there in the world…but every once in a while, you get the Sistine Chapel. It ain’t easy…but it’s worth it. Does that sound like a guy who’s never been married or what?

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. OH!!! Big news – My brother may actually have a chance of keeping my niece. The judge ACTUALLY looked at the mountain of evidence against CW in the hearing the other day…and the worst fear was that they wouldn’t. (Even one of her other baby daddies is testifying…on my brother’s behalf) Tomorrow should be a big day, one way or another. Pray for my niece. I just hope that whatever happens she’ll be looked over by a responsible adult. That’s really what’s important…is that she’s safe. Have a great day everybody!!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Talk Nerdy to Me

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

You may have noticed that I’m a bit of a nerd…and admittedly so. I’m not just talking about something like…Bubbles pointing out to me yesterday that I basically planned my day around football (in my defense, there seriously wasn’t anything else to do while it was snowing yesterday) but MUCH more nerdy than that. Like what you ask? Well, as you know, this web-based journal is a valuable resource to anybody looking for updates in the world of Pandas, Dinosaurs, Sexbots, Bad Movies, and things that just fascinate me. However, last night, while people my age were our burning the midnight oil to get those last party hours in before work in the morning, I too was up late. What was I doing? Watching the Discovery Channel. Oh yes!!! I was watching several shows including “Planet Earth Extremes” where there were the Ethiopian Highlands where there are lakes and rivers of sulphuric acid & baboons that live on cliffs (No, not Stallone in “Cliffhanger”) or hummingbirds that live in caves & use sonar or Macaques in Indonesia who adapted in the last 5 years to SWIM for their food in a flooded forest and these massive caves that are home to some of the craziest f**king things that you can imagine…and I was just mesmerized by this stuff…and it was so beautiful & interesting to me that I simply lost track of time for like…four hours. The worst part, I’m probably going to check it out again tonight (thanks DVR). So yeah, now you know how I party here in Tahoe when it’s snowing outside (PS It's a blizzard right now). I like to check out what’s going on in Ethiopia. So to continue my research into the nerdy studies, I give you the news…

How It Starts – You may ask yourself “How does one become a nerd?” Well, it helps to be smart…or at least able to grasp simple concepts. Another way is just to be a little persecuted as a kid…and science fairs are great for that. Well, fire officials said a San Diego middle school was evacuated when a student's science project was mistaken for a bomb. Fire-Rescue spokesman Maurice Luque said a vice principal's concerns prompted the evacuation of Millennial Tech Magnet Middle School Friday afternoon (not enough Presidents & Civil Rights Leaders, we have to name schools after magnets now?). Luque said an arson team took photos and x-rays of the empty plastic bottle with wires and determined it was harmless. Luque says the 11-year-old boy was trying to build a motion detector from instructions he found on the Internet (can’t find bomb plans there…) and parts he bought online with help from his father. His parents did not realize that the object looked threatening. He said the student was "a genius-type kid" who undertook the project on his own, had no intentions of hurting anyone or causing any disruptions…yet. It all starts with being a genius-type kid and undertaking your own projects. Then you move on to your own experimentation (and not of the two tipsy female coeds in their jammies variety) after some jerk makes fun of your acne. Then before you know it, you’re writing your manifesto and mailing “motion detectors” to the establishment. I’m just saying, keep an eye on this kid. Nerds can be turned evil too. Just ask Doctor (blank) in just about any comic or movie ever made.

Spiderman Eyes Burj Khalifa – Being an engineering nerd, I was amazed to hear about this world’s tallest structure being completed in Dubai…and thought it was cool that it was named after the King of Abu Dhabi who gave the city BILLIONS to help them through the recession for the time being…but because it happened last month when I didn’t have internet, you all missed out on it. Luckily, this ties in with the last story about the future Doctor Octopus because the French Spiderman (not Peter Parkaaaa) Alain Robert has set his sights on scaling the world's tallest skyscraper. The Gulf emirate of Dubai opened the glistening 828-metre (2,717-foot) concrete, glass and steel skyscraper on January 4th. "I'll have to do it... maybe between January and April 2011," he was quoted as saying by Malaysia's official Bernama news agency late Saturday. "I know the people of Dubai, they are interested (in seeing me climb the skyscraper)," he added. Robert, 47, was in Malaysia to receive an award for his extraordinary feats in scaling tall buildings. Skyscrapers he has climbed include the Empire State Building, the Sears Tower and Taipei 101, according to his website. He admitted that climbing the Dubai tower will be a tough mission because of the Middle Eastern heat. "The problem in Dubai is the hot weather (of) up to 40 degrees (Celsius, 104 degrees Fahrenheit). My biggest fear is to waste my time on earth. For me, climbing is as important as eating and breathing. Climbing skyscrapers is my lifetime love and passion." Last September Robert was fined by a Malaysian court after he scrambled up the 88-story Petronas Twin Towers with his bare hands in less than two hours…and four months later, he’s receiving an award. You gotta like a person with Passion for what he or she does. Whether it’s climbing skyscrapers, knitting sweaters, raising children, filming pornography, singing showtunes, digging up dinosaurs, driving a taxi, making people healthy, telling jokes, whatever. We should all be so lucky as to have a real Passion in life. Good luck, Monsieur Spiderman.

Pink Snowmen – Also tying in with our earlier discussion of explosives, some snow in a Buffalo neighborhood turned a deep shade of pink after a cloud of powder was released during demolition of a business that used to make food coloring. As surprised parents and pet owners wondered whether to ban outdoor play, state health and environmental officials collected samples. A demolition contractor said a pipe that contained about five pounds of residual red dye No. 40 ruptured at a building being torn down near the former Buffalo Color plant Thursday afternoon. John Yensan of Ontario Specialty Contracting says powder was carried by the wind across homes, cars and streets. Authorities said the dye didn't appear to pose a health problem (though it’s derived from petroleum, banned in Denmark & not recommended for children throughout Europe due to its link to health risks like hyperactivity). A water truck was sent in to clean up…and apparently make pink ice. Anyway, just thought I’d put the image of pink snowmen in your head.

WWF Helps Pandas – That’s right, the steroid-poppin’ behemoths of the WWF are donating 40 million yuan (about $6 million) over the next three years to increase the number of giant panda reserves in China. Many have speculated that they are doing this so that select superstars like The Big Show, John Cena or the Undertaker will eventually be able to wrestle these vicious animals in a steel cage match…or perhaps take up a spot in the Royal Rumble. The entertainment / environmental group also plans to build "wildlife corridors" between the 60-plus reserves to enable the pandas to move around more freely, WWF China representative Dermot “The Ogre” O'Gorman told AFP. "The only way we are going to protect the long-term security of the giant panda is to ensure that the existing habitat remains of high quality." O'Gorman said WWF will try to work with local governments to reduce the impact of tourism, highways and other infrastructure on panda habitats, as well as expand a scientific monitoring system to cover all the reserves. There are nearly 1,600 pandas living in the wild, more than three-quarters of them in the southwestern province of Sichuan. Pandas also are found in northwestern Gansu province and northern Shaanxi province. Another 290 giant pandas are in captive-breeding programs in China. Wait, I am just now getting word that apparently the WWF is no longer the World Wrestling Federation, but rather the World Wildlife Fund…which does make a lot more sense when you think about it. I was wondering why I had never heard of the WWF China circuit. Dang!!! Now I may never get to see a panda get whacked in the back with a folding chair by Vince McMahon. I’m mildly disappointed by that.

Doomsday Rescheduled - Scientists pushed back the hands on the symbolic Doomsday Clock by one minute citing hopeful developments in nuclear weapons and climate change. The symbolic clock that shows how close mankind is to self-annihilation was moved back to six minutes before midnight from five minutes on Thursday. The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, which maintains the clock and puts an illustration of it on its cover, attributed the move to efforts by world leaders to reduce their countries' nuclear arsenals and collaborate on climate stabilization. The group, which includes 19 Nobel laureates, said a key to the "new era of cooperation is a change in the U.S. government's orientation toward international affairs brought about in part by the election of (U.S. President Barack) Obama." Nuclear physicist Pervez Hoodbhoy at news conference held at the New York Academy of Sciences overlooking the World Trade Center site, said there had been "a shift in world opinion" recognizing that nuclear weapons are "no longer useful to fight wars and are not effective as deterrence." BAS board member Lowell Sachnoff added, "Global warming is more of a threat than nuclear war." It sounds like somebody has never visited Hiroshima. Anyway, when the clock was created in 1947, it was set at 7 minutes to midnight (because 7 was considered lucky?). It has been adjusted only 18 times before Thursday' move. The last was in 2007, when the BAS moved it forward by two minutes citing North Korea's test of a nuclear weapon, Iran's nuclear ambitions and a renewed U.S. emphasis on the military utility of nuclear weapons. So there’s a newfound hope in the world that we’re slowly but surely on our way to making the world a slightly safer place…or getting a few more drinks in before we start singing Auld Lang Syne & kiss the nearest hottie, I’m not exactly sure what the symbolism is. That is…until we look at the real story behind this Doomsday Clock – Nerds control Time!!! They can simply move time backwards…or if they so wish, push it forward into the Apocalypse (they’ll have to beat out snakes first). Not only that, I’m fairly certain that the BAS has some kind of Weather Dominator AND at the very least, an army of rudimentary cyborgs or mindless clones at their disposal. Once they’re comfortable with their level of control over them, they will take over the world…and the age of BAS will begin. It’ll start with underwater attacks in submarines designed to look like giant freshwater gamefish. Then packages will arrive with what appear to be fish wrapped in newspaper…but you haven’t ordered the paper in years. BOOM!!! An explosion and the mailman wearing a mask over his mouth screams out “BAS!!!” and retreats to the home base, the Doomsday Dome. Then the two vital forces of the Apocalypse (BAS & serpents) join forces to makes the new world order, COBRA. Who will save us? A special government task force composed of stereotyped specialists? I don’t think so. Sigh… I sure go a long way to make a reference to a cheesy 80’s cartoon recently made into a lackluster movie, don’t I? What can I say? I’m a nerd. And ugh…I’m pretty proud of it.

Anyway, enough of that stuff for today. The Doomsday Clock has been pushed back, the South has been freezing the past week or so & that’s probably killing off some of those snakes that were overrunning the Everglades, birds are chirping, the sky is blue and all the leaves are green, my heart’s as full as a baked potato, what a wonderful time to be alive. Oh…and if you haven’t already, please text “Haiti” to 90999 to donate $10 to help the millions of Haitians in need of food, water & shelter. Have a great day everybody!!!

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