Great Day for Daddies

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, a very happy birthday to my dad. Now, he tells me that it's his 39th birthday...but the math just doesn't add up...but whatever, I'll give him the benefit of a doubt. Dad, you're the best!!! Without you, I wouldn't be nearly the man that I am today (take that as you will) and I sure as hell wouldn't be here in Lake Tahoe living the dream (well, not THAT dream but a very good dream nonetheless). You're the best...and I hope that you're repaid by your favorite Kansas City Chiefs winning...well, anything. God knows they've tried by signing everybody who's left the New England Patriots the past few years. Is Drew Bledsoe still playing? Steve Grogan? Anyway, happy birthday!!!

In other great news for fathers in my family, my brother has custody of my niece. Apparently the show in court yesterday was...quite entertaining. The crack whore was so entertaining in fact that she was called to the witness stand three times, just to clarify all the documented discrepancies of her past (not even the mountain of evidence in the past few years...but they were still looked at). So my niece is safe for now...and we'll see what the final custody decision is when the divorce is finalized or whatever (I don't even care what they technically are, she hasn't been around for over a year except to kidnap my niece twice...so she can OD for all I care). Anyway, outstanding news...and here's some more news...

Conan Gets Paid – I assume you’ve all heard about the whole NBC fiasco with Conan & Jay Leno, right? You know, Jay leaving to do his own show (which was basically the same) and Conan taking over the old show…but then Jay said he wants it back…and Conan tells him to file for unemployment…or whatever. I don’t know the details…but I just know it sounds stupid. Well, Conan O'Brien bid NBC good riddance Thursday in a $45 million deal for his exit from "The Tonight Show," but his immediate future in television remains a question mark. The contentious two-week battle that would allow NBC to unseat O'Brien and move Jay Leno back to the program he hosted for 17 years, comes less than eight months after O'Brien took the "Tonight" throne from Leno. Under the deal, O'Brien will get more than $33 million and the rest will go to his 200-strong staff in severance. What happens next for O'Brien? "We don't know," his manager, Gavin Polone, said Thursday. "While we have had expressions of interest, we have not had any substantive conversations with anybody." Ideally, said Polone, O'Brien "wants to get back on the air, doing the show he's doing now, as soon as possible." There has been much speculation on where that might be. ABC (which airs "Nightline" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live!") has said it wasn't interested, while Fox, which lacks a network late-night show, expressed appreciation for his show — but nothing more. Comedy Central has also been mentioned as a future home (and they used to air episodes a few days later midday...which was awesome). Meanwhile, O'Brien might conceivably conduct off-camera business with his old bosses. "We do have a continuing development relationship with Conan's (production) company," said Marc Graboff, chairman of NBC Entertainment and Universal Media Studios. "So we still keep the door open." Regardless, the point is that he got paid…and his peeps got paid…and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he just decided to say Phuket in Phuket for a few years. Hell, if my funny ass got $33 million to not do my job, I could not do my job from just about anywhere…comfortably. Anyway, good for you Conan. I hope to see you back on TV soon…but if not, I understand.

Does Charlie Daniels Play a Mean Fiddle? - Country music legend Charlie Daniels says he's "doing fine" and working away the numbness in his left hand after suffering a mild stroke while snowmobiling in Colorado. "I can still play my fiddle. I can play my guitar. One of the first things I did when I came home from the hospital in Denver was to pick up my guitar and make sure my fingers still worked on it," he said in a phone interview on Wednesday night. The 73-year-old has begun physical therapy, not because of doctor's orders — they told him the feeling in his hand would return on its own — but "to speed up" the process. He will do another session in Colorado this week, and find a therapist when he returns to Tennessee. Daniels doesn't plan to cancel any of his upcoming shows, which resume in February. He blames his stroke on high blood pressure. "It had gotten higher than what I realized it was. We have taken steps to remedy that, and we are back in the game." When the left side of his body began to go numb on that snowmobile ride on Friday, Daniels realized he was having a stroke. The thought crossed his mind that he may never be able to play music again, but he didn't dwell on it. "I never seriously thought, 'Well, this is it.' I just look for everything to turn out good." Daniels said "the fingerprints of God were all over" his experience. He wasn't far from the local hospital in Durango, which he said had only recently begun stocking the drug used to break up the blood clot in his brain. If he had arrived any later, the clot would've caused permanent damage. Additionally, a plane was immediately available to take him to Denver. "It's just an absolute fact that God was looking after me," he said. The stroke did make Daniels stop and think. "It makes me realize that things can happen to you, but I choose not to sit around and worry about the possibility that I could have another stroke. It's not imminent by any stretch of the imagination." He does have a list of things he still wants to do. "I want to keep entertaining people. I want to go fishing in Alaska again. I want to go back to Israel, which I intend to do in March." And he'll continue doing what he loves. "I love riding snowmobiles. I love fishing. I love shooting guns. I do a lot of target shooting when I'm at home. I love horses. I love cowboys. (???) What the heck, I may take up skydiving next, who knows." He may say that God had something to do with it…but I’m thinking quite the opposite. I’m thinking the Devil wanted a rematch…thirty years in the making.

Riding his snowmobile down the freshly powdered trail, Chuck notices a familiar face wearing less than he should on the snowbank. “Devil! What’s up buddy?” “Listen here, Daniels. I’m tired of going to a bar to unwind after work…and every single f**king time, I have to hear a bunch of drunken rednecks sing that damn song that you wrote about our little duel back in the 70’s. Granted, I didn’t write a non-disclosure clause in our contract…but you didn’t have to do me like that.” “Sorry Big D but the royalties from that song paid for this new snowmobile. I didn’t know it was against the rules.” “Well, the time has come, old chum. I think it’s time that we duel it out again. Whattaya say? For old times sake.” “I don’t need another fiddle o’ gold. That song’s a classic.” “Fine. How about…if I win, I get to take your song…and if you win, I hook you up with one of my hottest demons? Deal?” “Look Devil, I’m down with a gentleman’s duel…just to whoop your hairy tail again.” “RAAAAGH!!! DAMN YOU DANIELS!!! Fine. Then let us begin!!!” Long story short, Charlie Daniels fiddles like a fiery demon & wins because the Devil started shivering towards the end of his solo. It was a lot colder than he’s used to there in Durango. “That’s how you do it, son.” “I can’t believe you beat me again.” “I done told you once you son of a b**ch, I’m the best there’s ever been.” “F**k you, Daniels!!!” and the Devil whipped his tail & smacked Chuck left side making it go numb…and disappeared in a poof of smoke. Then you already know the rest of the story…with a few fabrications by Mr. Daniels so that we wouldn’t know his relationship with the Devil, of course. P.S. Daniels is best known for his 1979 hit "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." The Charlie Daniels Band earned a Grammy for best country vocal for the song…and if you don’t know it, you’d better ask somebody. In fact, I think it’s the latest song that I karaoke’d to with my Wingman last year.

Awkward Situation - Police said a man and woman from New Hampshire are each facing prostitution charges after the man called police to say he'd paid for sex, but the woman then refused. WMUR-TV reported a 22-year-old woman and 32-year-old man were cited into court at a later date. Police said the man called Marlborough Police on Monday to say he'd paid the woman and a third party (her pimp Upgrayedd) $150 to have sex with him on Sunday, but she wouldn't follow through. Police said they're still investigating the third party…but apparently he’s got too much game. “I don’t even know this woman…and I sure as HELL don’t know why she ain’t out on the corner of Bush & Knowlton right now.” “But daddy, I rolled my ankle & damn near got frostbite.” “Hop on your good foot & make me some money, b**ch. I don’t care if you got cold feet.” It’s a damn shame when you can’t even trust the institute of the world’s oldest profession anymore. God knows it’s freezing up there in the Granite State…and with a motto like “Live Free or Die” you’d think they’d be cool with something like this. He just wanted a little female companionship to make it through those long frigid nights. There ain’t nothing wrong with that…if it’s consensual. I’m just guessing that she decided against it, he asked Upgrayedd for the money back, “Na na playa, see…you paid ME the money. If SHE doesn’t wanna go through with it, you’d better take it up with her.” “What? This is bull. I’ll make sure you never do business again.” “Son, how many pimps do you think there is in New Hampshire? You may as well just go to the cops.” Who knew he’d actually do it? In other fellatial financial news…

Amsterdam Update - Amsterdam's deputy mayor proposed new measures Tuesday to help tackle forced prostitution, including restricting opening hours for brothels and raising the minimum age for prostitutes to 23 from 18. Lodewijk Asscher, who faces re-election in March, said prostitution should be banned between 4 AM and 8 AM (a.k.a. where dreams are made) to complement existing efforts to fight crime, exploitation and human trafficking in Amsterdam's 800-year-old red light district. On Dutch radio he proclaimed, "Only the biggest creeps and boozers are walking around at those hours. (Hey, f**k you too) Women really dread working then and sometimes the most vulnerable are used." But the local union for prostitutes said it was against Asscher's proposal because the early morning hours are among the most lucrative for many women (sleepover hours). "This is not a good idea, this is the time when the prostitutes can make the most money," said Metje Blaak, a spokeswoman for the Rode Draad union for prostitutes (who says unions are a bad thing?). She said that raising the minimum legal age would lead more girls into underground, illegal brothels. Prostitution was legalized in the Netherlands in 2000 but authorities have toughened their stance on the business in recent years to fight organized crime and clean up inner city areas (as documented on my blog for years). In 2008, Amsterdam announced plans to halve the number of brothels in its red light district. The Dutch government is introducing stricter permit rules for brothels and registration requirements for prostitutes…which I think is great to maintain the high standards and health of everybody involved. However I just don’t know how changing the age is going to help…and I say let the market determine the hours of operation. If they have enough demand to be staffed at five in the morning, then more power to them. You know what you get when the government enforces cutting hours for no apparent reason? The DMV…and nobody wants that experience in the Red Light District. “I’ve been waiting for three hours. My buzz is completely gone. You all should allow outside food, beverage & recreation into this place. This is Amsterdam, right? I hear you’ve got some great tulips here.” “It certainly is Amsterdam, sir. Now, may I please have your license, registration, letter of recommendation, complete dental & medical records…” “Whoa, I think you misunderstood me. I’m just here to get a nut.” “Sir, in order to obtain services you need to provide us with…” “And heeeere’s that neon toilet paper y’all call money over here. I’d like something in a brunette in you have it, preferably Italian. Ooh, do you happen to have a menu?” Maybe it’s a good thing that I haven’t been to Amsterdam yet…but soon. Very soon. Oh don't worry, I'll check out the Anne Frank Museum & the Rembrandts and stuff too. I'm all about the culture...but those places aren't open at midnight...and what's a young man to do?

Pineapple Express - Dutch authorities said on Friday three men had been arrested for trying to smuggle cocaine from Latin America to the Netherlands hidden in shipments of pineapples. The raid, conducted Tuesday in cooperation with Belgian authorities, also turned up a machinegun, a pistol and silencer, ammunition and 119 mobile phones. One man was arrested in Rotterdam and one in Amsterdam, while the third was already in custody on another matter (underground prostitution?). The public prosecutor's office said in a statement the investigation followed the seizure in November of 900 kg (one sh*t ton) of cocaine in Panama, hidden in plastic crates in a sea container full of pineapples bound for Antwerp. It was the second time in two weeks that authorities in the Netherlands, a primary entry point for cocaine into Europe, disrupted a drug-smuggling operation with an unusual cover. On January 5 they said they had seized more than a tonne of cocaine shipped into Rotterdam and hidden among containers of whisky from Jamaica ("We t'ought it was sugah, mon"). At least I'm not into that stuff. Cocaine is horrible stuff that will destroy your body & mind. How do I know this? Musicians, actors, Scarface, friends, I pay attention. I ain't putting that stuff up my nose. Hmm, although if it were diluted in some pineapple...NO!!! It's still bad stuff. I'm more of an ecstasy man anyway.

That'll do it for today. Supposed to be really nice this weekend so I'll be sure to get out there and do something. It's snowing a little bit right now so I'll wait for that to pass. Feel all sorts of cramped staying indoors on my time off...but really, the only thing I can do in the late hours is go to a bar or something...and I don't need a DUI or to drop that kind of cash. Oh well, I'm sure I'll find something to do. In the meantime, have a great weekend everybody!!!