Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
So…I talked to Kairi last night…and she wants to come see Uncle $teve’s house…and play in the ocean…and ride on an airplane. So I may have a few special guests on a portion of my road trip come April when I hit the Pacific Coast. I’m thinking we may meet up in the LA / San Diego area so that the ocean’s a little warmer than in San Francisco though. Anyway, something to think about. Another busy busy day…but it’s all good, because as promised, I was able to find a few moments to bring you the news. You’re welcome.
Pie Eating Championship - A first-timer made mincemeat of the competition in the World Pie Eating Championships on a few weeks back, devouring his in under a minute. Supermarket worker Barry Rigby, 36, won the title by finishing his regulation meat and potato pie in 43 seconds at Harry's Bar in the city of Wigan in the United Kingdom. However, it was not quick enough to beat the world record of 35.86 seconds, set by Adrian Frost in 2007. "I was really surprised to win, I think my two boys will be very proud of me," said Rigby, who only entered the contest on a whim. "The pie tasted great. I am a big pie fan, I eat between 10 and 20 a week at least." (Mmm… Oh wait, I think we’re thinking of different pies) Last year's winner Fred Wyatt, a 61-year-old warehouse packer, came second (sometimes it takes the older guys a little longer). The competition started in 1992. The pies are 12 centimeters wide by 3.5 centimeters deep and must have a 66% meat content. Harry's Bar owner Tony Callaghan said cheating was not tolerated. "Gravy has traditionally been the performance-enhancing drug of choice amongst pie eaters at this level, but we banned it after a series of questionable concoctions were created by contenders. Specifically we're told that dry tickly cough linctus works particularly well in lubricating the throat and causing a mild anesthetic effect which enables faster swallowing," he said. The championships took place a day after Chinese snooker player Ding Junhui won his weight in pies -- 276 of them, four for each of his 69 kilos (152 pounds) in weight -- by claiming the UK Championship title. However, despite all these feats in pie eating mastery, one questions still remains. What the f**k is a snooker player? I’m gonna have to Google that. Apparently, it’s billiards…but with more balls. Check it out.
Milla Update – Some of you may have forgot about my baby mama…but she’s still out there making movies. Granted not a lot of them make it to a theatre near you but I’m sure the vast majority are pretty good. We all mess up and make “.45” though. Anyway, Overture Films has picked up the U.S. distribution rights to John Curran's thriller "Stone". The story follows a convicted arsonist (Edward Norton) who uses his wife (Milla Jovovich) to manipulate a parole officer (Robert DeNiro). Angus MacLachlan penned the script and David Mimran, Jordan Schur and Holly Wiersma produced. A 2010 release is planned. That’s right. Ed Norton & Bobby DeNiro are back together again (“The Score”) and they added a little eye candy (Milla’s MUCH hotter than Marlon Brando). Should be a good one.
Malkovich Update – Picking up a few career advice tips from his “Jonah Hex” costar, the lovely Megan Fox, it seems that the great American actor John Malkovich has learned to make some serious dough by doing comic book adaptation movies. Enough of this making award winning films like “The Great Buck Howard” or being able to say the F-Word dozens of times in a Coen Brothers flick, the real money’s in the ComicCon crowd. That’s why he’s allegedly interested in signing on to do not one…but TWO such movies. First, we’ll go with the one that he’s signed on to do. John Malkovich has replaced John C. Reilly on Robert Schwentke's comic book adaptation "Red" for Summit Entertainment reports Variety. The story follows a former black-ops CIA agent Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) who is now living a quiet life. That is, until the day a hi-tech assassin shows up intent on killing him. With his secret identity compromised and his love interest in danger, Frank must reassemble his old team to figure out who is out to get them. Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, Mary-Louise Parker, Julian McMahon, Ernest Borgnine (yes, still alive), Richard Dreyfuss, Brian Cox and James Remar also star. Filming kicks off in Toronto and Louisiana this month for a release in the Fall. Sounds okay? Yeah, give or take. I’m weary of a movie were the average cast age is well over 50 years though. Now for somewhat more exciting news to most…and that’s that the rumor is…that the Malkovich may be in talks to play the Vulture if/when “Spiderman 4” ever comes to fruition. That is all. Apparently it’s speculation & inquiry, nothing solid…and I consider myself a respected news source…like Fox News…and Wikipedia.
Subway Sexy - Hundreds of New Yorkers have been riding the city's subway trains in their underwear. They stripped down to their undies on Sunday for the ninth annual No Pants Subway Ride. The idea is to act like nothing unusual is going on (and keep from getting frostbite). Participants met up at six locations throughout the city. They formed groups and dispersed to subway stations to catch trains. Once inside the subway cars, they began calmly removing their pants and folding them up. Most people read magazines or chatted with their companions like any other straphanger. The event started in 2002 with just seven people. It has spread to other cities. The stunt is organized by Improv Everywhere, a group that says its mission is to cause "scenes of chaos and joy in public places." Honestly though, I don’t think the potential of this thing is being realized. Everywhere I go, I hear about recycle this and save the Earth that. You know what, give me some incentive. Why should I be inconvenienced so that somebody else’s kids can enjoy the world after I’m gone? If you want me to use public transportation, give me girls in their underwear. Think about it. I’ve often wondered why there were so many poles on buses and subway cars. It just seems like wasted metal (covered in the mucous & other bodily fluids of the homeless). Polish up those poles and give daddy a dance. If not for me…then for your planet. Gentlemen, they may need some funding. Please have exact change ready. Not enough for ya? You want more change for the planet? Maybe a little something a little more specific to you? Alright…because I love the ladies, how about this?
Going Green & Feeling Fine - When world leaders in Copenhagen argue for days in knife-edge talks to save the planet, what more fitting way to relieve the tension than an environmentally-friendly vibrator? The global sex toy industry is worth an annual $15 billion (22 billion euros), and uses up a mountain of batteries in the process, many of which end up as toxic waste. But now one Irish company reckons they've got the solution to shake up the market: a vibrator they are calling the world's first-ever "green technology sex toy". The Earth Angel (ah, Back to the Future reference) described as "eight inches (20 centimeters) with a sleek white finish", is a wind-up vibrator which comes with a handle built into the bottom. "You just flip out the handle, grab a hold of it there, and you just wind it," said Janice O'Connor, the co-founder with her husband Chris, of Caden Enterprises which makes the gadget. "So for four minutes of doing that, you should generate enough power to give you 30 minutes of full-on, right-to-the top vibrations," she told AFP. She added: "I've only used it a couple of times, and it's fantastic. It's very intense, and sometimes, at the top level, depending on the person that's using it, it can actually be too intense sometimes. That's why we have four different levels on it." The vibrator is made of 100 percent recyclable materials and the couple hope that it will encourage sex toy fans around the globe to do their bit for the environment (tehehe, “do their bit”). "We want to change the way that people view adult toys and the adult industry as a whole. We wanted to produce an environmentally-friendly sex toy that appealed to all consumers. Every industry has an obligation to do as much as they can to reduce the effects of climate change and by developing this new technology we hope that others will follow suit and look for alternative ways to design and manufacture their products." Chris O'Connor is the brains behind the power-storing technology that he said could be applied to any small power device, such as electric toothbrushes. He said climate change had been his primary motivation rather than sexy fun (but it doesn’t hurt the motivation). "When I was a child we'd have months of good weather. Now that's totally changed, 100 percent changed, in this country. And that's why I decided I'd try to make a change for the better, for the planet." Public morality in Ireland is still traditionally Catholic, so producing the green vibrator there was out of the question (it is manufactured by a British-based company) while financing it proved an obstacle course. But the O'Connors, both practicing Catholics, believe God is on their side. "In all fairness, wouldn't God want something that's green and that doesn't do any damage to the environment?" asked Chris. An Earth Angel costs 70 euros ($100) plus shipping costs and around 1,000 have already been sold to people seeking its special brand of "sustainable pleasure". So there you go. You’re welcome, ladies. Now for the BIG news of the day…
Vegas Sexbot Update – It has finally happened. After years of following trends (and sharing some of my own theories) in the Sexbot Industry, it has finally hit the world’s grandest stage – the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. I KNEW I should’ve gone this year. This was going to be the year. But noooo, I had to go home for Christmas. Anyway, a New Jersey company says it has developed "the world's first sex robot," a life-size rubber doll that's designed to engage the owner with conversation rather than lifelike movement (yeah, that’s great). At a demonstration at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas on Saturday, the dark-haired, negligee-clad robot said "I love holding hands with you" when it sensed that its creator touched its hand. Another action, this one unprintable, elicited a different vocal response from Roxxxy the robot (Yes, that’s her name). The level of sophistication demonstrated was not beyond that of a child's talking toy, but Roxxxy has a lot more brains than that (allegedly). There's a laptop connected to cables coming out of her back. It has touch sensors at strategic locations and can sense when it's being moved…but it can't move on its own, not even to turn its head or move its lips. The sound comes out of an internal loudspeaker. Douglas Hines, founder of Lincoln Park, N.J.-based True Companion LLC, said Roxxxy can carry on simple conversations. The real aim, he said, is to make the doll someone the owner can talk to and relate to. "Sex only goes so far — then you want to be able to talk to the person," Hines said. The phrases that were demonstrated were prerecorded, but the robot will also be able to synthesize phrases out of prerecorded words and sounds. The laptop will receive updates over the Internet to expand the robot's capabilities and vocabulary. Since Hines is a soccer fan, it can already discuss Manchester United, he said. It snores, too. Funny, so would I after talking about soccer for five minutes. Owners will also be able to select different personalities for Roxxxy, from "Wild Wendy" to "Frigid Farrah," Hines said. He's charging somewhere from $7,000 to $9,000 for the robot, including the laptop, and expects to start shipping in a few months. A Japanese company, Honey Dolls, makes life-size sex dolls that can play recorded sounds, but Roxxxy's sensors and speech capabilities appear to be more sophisticated. Hines' goals are certainly more far-reaching. An engineer, Hines said he was inspired to create the robot after a friend died in the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks (WWWWHAT?). That got him thinking about preserving his friend's personality, to give his children a chance to interact with him as they're growing up. Looking around for commercial applications for artificial personalities, he initially thought he might create a home health care aide for the elderly. "But there was tremendous regulatory and bureaucratic paperwork to get through. We were stuck. So I looked at other markets." Hmm, a market without a lot of regulation & paperwork but still offers BILLIONS of dollars in capital. Good choice. The broader goal of the company is still to take artificial personalities into the mainstream, beyond sex toys, Hines said. "The sex robot thing is marketing — it's really about making a companion," he said. Yeah, the sexbot thing is just marketing…because sex sells. It’s really about making a companion…out of a toaster. In a 2007 book, "Love and Sex with Robots," British chess player and artificial intelligence expert David Levy argues that robots will become significant sexual partners for humans, answering needs that other people are unable or unwilling to satisfy. Isn’t that a little sad to anybody else? No? Oh okay then. Behold the official dawning of the Age of the Sexbot!!! And to think...it all started with a national tragedy...allegedly.
What could possibly be sexier than any of what I’ve told you over the last few paragraphs? Well, tune in tomorrow & we’ll see if I can top it. In the meantime, have a great night everybody!!!
So…I talked to Kairi last night…and she wants to come see Uncle $teve’s house…and play in the ocean…and ride on an airplane. So I may have a few special guests on a portion of my road trip come April when I hit the Pacific Coast. I’m thinking we may meet up in the LA / San Diego area so that the ocean’s a little warmer than in San Francisco though. Anyway, something to think about. Another busy busy day…but it’s all good, because as promised, I was able to find a few moments to bring you the news. You’re welcome.
Pie Eating Championship - A first-timer made mincemeat of the competition in the World Pie Eating Championships on a few weeks back, devouring his in under a minute. Supermarket worker Barry Rigby, 36, won the title by finishing his regulation meat and potato pie in 43 seconds at Harry's Bar in the city of Wigan in the United Kingdom. However, it was not quick enough to beat the world record of 35.86 seconds, set by Adrian Frost in 2007. "I was really surprised to win, I think my two boys will be very proud of me," said Rigby, who only entered the contest on a whim. "The pie tasted great. I am a big pie fan, I eat between 10 and 20 a week at least." (Mmm… Oh wait, I think we’re thinking of different pies) Last year's winner Fred Wyatt, a 61-year-old warehouse packer, came second (sometimes it takes the older guys a little longer). The competition started in 1992. The pies are 12 centimeters wide by 3.5 centimeters deep and must have a 66% meat content. Harry's Bar owner Tony Callaghan said cheating was not tolerated. "Gravy has traditionally been the performance-enhancing drug of choice amongst pie eaters at this level, but we banned it after a series of questionable concoctions were created by contenders. Specifically we're told that dry tickly cough linctus works particularly well in lubricating the throat and causing a mild anesthetic effect which enables faster swallowing," he said. The championships took place a day after Chinese snooker player Ding Junhui won his weight in pies -- 276 of them, four for each of his 69 kilos (152 pounds) in weight -- by claiming the UK Championship title. However, despite all these feats in pie eating mastery, one questions still remains. What the f**k is a snooker player? I’m gonna have to Google that. Apparently, it’s billiards…but with more balls. Check it out.
Milla Update – Some of you may have forgot about my baby mama…but she’s still out there making movies. Granted not a lot of them make it to a theatre near you but I’m sure the vast majority are pretty good. We all mess up and make “.45” though. Anyway, Overture Films has picked up the U.S. distribution rights to John Curran's thriller "Stone". The story follows a convicted arsonist (Edward Norton) who uses his wife (Milla Jovovich) to manipulate a parole officer (Robert DeNiro). Angus MacLachlan penned the script and David Mimran, Jordan Schur and Holly Wiersma produced. A 2010 release is planned. That’s right. Ed Norton & Bobby DeNiro are back together again (“The Score”) and they added a little eye candy (Milla’s MUCH hotter than Marlon Brando). Should be a good one.
Malkovich Update – Picking up a few career advice tips from his “Jonah Hex” costar, the lovely Megan Fox, it seems that the great American actor John Malkovich has learned to make some serious dough by doing comic book adaptation movies. Enough of this making award winning films like “The Great Buck Howard” or being able to say the F-Word dozens of times in a Coen Brothers flick, the real money’s in the ComicCon crowd. That’s why he’s allegedly interested in signing on to do not one…but TWO such movies. First, we’ll go with the one that he’s signed on to do. John Malkovich has replaced John C. Reilly on Robert Schwentke's comic book adaptation "Red" for Summit Entertainment reports Variety. The story follows a former black-ops CIA agent Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) who is now living a quiet life. That is, until the day a hi-tech assassin shows up intent on killing him. With his secret identity compromised and his love interest in danger, Frank must reassemble his old team to figure out who is out to get them. Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, Mary-Louise Parker, Julian McMahon, Ernest Borgnine (yes, still alive), Richard Dreyfuss, Brian Cox and James Remar also star. Filming kicks off in Toronto and Louisiana this month for a release in the Fall. Sounds okay? Yeah, give or take. I’m weary of a movie were the average cast age is well over 50 years though. Now for somewhat more exciting news to most…and that’s that the rumor is…that the Malkovich may be in talks to play the Vulture if/when “Spiderman 4” ever comes to fruition. That is all. Apparently it’s speculation & inquiry, nothing solid…and I consider myself a respected news source…like Fox News…and Wikipedia.
Subway Sexy - Hundreds of New Yorkers have been riding the city's subway trains in their underwear. They stripped down to their undies on Sunday for the ninth annual No Pants Subway Ride. The idea is to act like nothing unusual is going on (and keep from getting frostbite). Participants met up at six locations throughout the city. They formed groups and dispersed to subway stations to catch trains. Once inside the subway cars, they began calmly removing their pants and folding them up. Most people read magazines or chatted with their companions like any other straphanger. The event started in 2002 with just seven people. It has spread to other cities. The stunt is organized by Improv Everywhere, a group that says its mission is to cause "scenes of chaos and joy in public places." Honestly though, I don’t think the potential of this thing is being realized. Everywhere I go, I hear about recycle this and save the Earth that. You know what, give me some incentive. Why should I be inconvenienced so that somebody else’s kids can enjoy the world after I’m gone? If you want me to use public transportation, give me girls in their underwear. Think about it. I’ve often wondered why there were so many poles on buses and subway cars. It just seems like wasted metal (covered in the mucous & other bodily fluids of the homeless). Polish up those poles and give daddy a dance. If not for me…then for your planet. Gentlemen, they may need some funding. Please have exact change ready. Not enough for ya? You want more change for the planet? Maybe a little something a little more specific to you? Alright…because I love the ladies, how about this?
Going Green & Feeling Fine - When world leaders in Copenhagen argue for days in knife-edge talks to save the planet, what more fitting way to relieve the tension than an environmentally-friendly vibrator? The global sex toy industry is worth an annual $15 billion (22 billion euros), and uses up a mountain of batteries in the process, many of which end up as toxic waste. But now one Irish company reckons they've got the solution to shake up the market: a vibrator they are calling the world's first-ever "green technology sex toy". The Earth Angel (ah, Back to the Future reference) described as "eight inches (20 centimeters) with a sleek white finish", is a wind-up vibrator which comes with a handle built into the bottom. "You just flip out the handle, grab a hold of it there, and you just wind it," said Janice O'Connor, the co-founder with her husband Chris, of Caden Enterprises which makes the gadget. "So for four minutes of doing that, you should generate enough power to give you 30 minutes of full-on, right-to-the top vibrations," she told AFP. She added: "I've only used it a couple of times, and it's fantastic. It's very intense, and sometimes, at the top level, depending on the person that's using it, it can actually be too intense sometimes. That's why we have four different levels on it." The vibrator is made of 100 percent recyclable materials and the couple hope that it will encourage sex toy fans around the globe to do their bit for the environment (tehehe, “do their bit”). "We want to change the way that people view adult toys and the adult industry as a whole. We wanted to produce an environmentally-friendly sex toy that appealed to all consumers. Every industry has an obligation to do as much as they can to reduce the effects of climate change and by developing this new technology we hope that others will follow suit and look for alternative ways to design and manufacture their products." Chris O'Connor is the brains behind the power-storing technology that he said could be applied to any small power device, such as electric toothbrushes. He said climate change had been his primary motivation rather than sexy fun (but it doesn’t hurt the motivation). "When I was a child we'd have months of good weather. Now that's totally changed, 100 percent changed, in this country. And that's why I decided I'd try to make a change for the better, for the planet." Public morality in Ireland is still traditionally Catholic, so producing the green vibrator there was out of the question (it is manufactured by a British-based company) while financing it proved an obstacle course. But the O'Connors, both practicing Catholics, believe God is on their side. "In all fairness, wouldn't God want something that's green and that doesn't do any damage to the environment?" asked Chris. An Earth Angel costs 70 euros ($100) plus shipping costs and around 1,000 have already been sold to people seeking its special brand of "sustainable pleasure". So there you go. You’re welcome, ladies. Now for the BIG news of the day…
Vegas Sexbot Update – It has finally happened. After years of following trends (and sharing some of my own theories) in the Sexbot Industry, it has finally hit the world’s grandest stage – the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. I KNEW I should’ve gone this year. This was going to be the year. But noooo, I had to go home for Christmas. Anyway, a New Jersey company says it has developed "the world's first sex robot," a life-size rubber doll that's designed to engage the owner with conversation rather than lifelike movement (yeah, that’s great). At a demonstration at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas on Saturday, the dark-haired, negligee-clad robot said "I love holding hands with you" when it sensed that its creator touched its hand. Another action, this one unprintable, elicited a different vocal response from Roxxxy the robot (Yes, that’s her name). The level of sophistication demonstrated was not beyond that of a child's talking toy, but Roxxxy has a lot more brains than that (allegedly). There's a laptop connected to cables coming out of her back. It has touch sensors at strategic locations and can sense when it's being moved…but it can't move on its own, not even to turn its head or move its lips. The sound comes out of an internal loudspeaker. Douglas Hines, founder of Lincoln Park, N.J.-based True Companion LLC, said Roxxxy can carry on simple conversations. The real aim, he said, is to make the doll someone the owner can talk to and relate to. "Sex only goes so far — then you want to be able to talk to the person," Hines said. The phrases that were demonstrated were prerecorded, but the robot will also be able to synthesize phrases out of prerecorded words and sounds. The laptop will receive updates over the Internet to expand the robot's capabilities and vocabulary. Since Hines is a soccer fan, it can already discuss Manchester United, he said. It snores, too. Funny, so would I after talking about soccer for five minutes. Owners will also be able to select different personalities for Roxxxy, from "Wild Wendy" to "Frigid Farrah," Hines said. He's charging somewhere from $7,000 to $9,000 for the robot, including the laptop, and expects to start shipping in a few months. A Japanese company, Honey Dolls, makes life-size sex dolls that can play recorded sounds, but Roxxxy's sensors and speech capabilities appear to be more sophisticated. Hines' goals are certainly more far-reaching. An engineer, Hines said he was inspired to create the robot after a friend died in the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks (WWWWHAT?). That got him thinking about preserving his friend's personality, to give his children a chance to interact with him as they're growing up. Looking around for commercial applications for artificial personalities, he initially thought he might create a home health care aide for the elderly. "But there was tremendous regulatory and bureaucratic paperwork to get through. We were stuck. So I looked at other markets." Hmm, a market without a lot of regulation & paperwork but still offers BILLIONS of dollars in capital. Good choice. The broader goal of the company is still to take artificial personalities into the mainstream, beyond sex toys, Hines said. "The sex robot thing is marketing — it's really about making a companion," he said. Yeah, the sexbot thing is just marketing…because sex sells. It’s really about making a companion…out of a toaster. In a 2007 book, "Love and Sex with Robots," British chess player and artificial intelligence expert David Levy argues that robots will become significant sexual partners for humans, answering needs that other people are unable or unwilling to satisfy. Isn’t that a little sad to anybody else? No? Oh okay then. Behold the official dawning of the Age of the Sexbot!!! And to think...it all started with a national tragedy...allegedly.What could possibly be sexier than any of what I’ve told you over the last few paragraphs? Well, tune in tomorrow & we’ll see if I can top it. In the meantime, have a great night everybody!!!
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