Monday, December 31, 2012

2012 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again… time to hand out the world’s most prestigious awards. Forget the Academy Awards, the Nobel Prize, the Medal of Honor, all those other cheap trinkets out there… tonight, we celebrate the past 12 months with…

The 2012 $tevies

So as you know, about six years ago, I stumbled upon this stupid questionnaire back when MySpace was relevant & have been doing it ever since… but it’s a good little template for self-reflection… and reflection on the year that was 2012. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve also added links so that you can go “back into time” and witness some of these events if you would like. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Aside from that though, I’m being extremely lazy this year… and once again, I’m not even going to present my own awards. That’s right, I run this b**ch… and I’ve decided to ask some more of my friends to help me out. More like tell them that they’re going to help with absolutely no explicit written or implied verbal consent of using their likenesses or caricatures. Allow me to introduce & turn the festivities over to our host of the prestigious $tevies this year… RoboCop

“Good evening, citizens. Tonight's prerogative is the dispensing of metallic statutes to winning candidates determined by electoral process. Touch your palms together repeatedly for the first figurehead to distribute said awards, Sterling Archer..."
DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: “Hello there everyone... yes, it is I, Sterling Archer, the world's greatest secret agent. SUCK IT, BOND!!! I am here to... LINE!!! Oh yeah... I am here to give this thing to... I don't know, somebody this guy got drunk with I think. Envelope please! What? What? WHAT? Oh sh*t, it's up here on the podium? Thank you, snooty Theatre degree holder who's too ugly for the stage... and the winner is... BUBBLES? Seriously, you have a friend named BUBBLES? What the sh*t? Are you a reclusive king of pop without a childhood? That's great, everybody should have a monkey to drink with. IT'S A WOMAN!!! She had better have ginormous breasts for a name like... what's that? Oh she does... very well then. I assume she will now come up here for the award & complimentary chest massage that goes along with this incredible achievement via the world's greatest secret agent. Oh, she's not here? What the hell kind of awards show is this? Are you sponsored by Blockbuster Video or something? Later Gator..."
LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): "Hello everyone, I'm Joe Montana. Many of you on the internet know me as that guy from the commercials about the shoes with the supporting arches... but I was once the greatest quarterback to ever live. I'm here tonight to give due to a good friend for many many years... Isaiah. Now that his friend $teve is living here in San Francisco, hanging out with me on Sundays as we talk about the good ol' days of football, he often mentions this guy... mostly in phrases like 'My buddy Isaiah would literally sh*t himself if he knew that I was hanging out with Joe Montana' or 'You know who else would like to play with your trophies like action figures, my buddy Isaiah.' It's great... and a great way to show that he misses this guy even when he's here in the Bay Area living the good life. So this one's for you, Isaiah. Catch!" (Bionic Man noise as he button hooks a $tevie from the Bay to Isaiah's couch) "Gratitude, football cyborg. Transition to next award."
NEWCOMER AWARD: "Hello everybody, my name is Adriana Lima. As a long time admirer of $teve aka Dr Mookie Love, I is so proud to present dees award for New-cummer of ze year... to Miss Dizzy. Since I have tried to move on from the unstoppable attractive force that is heem, by marrying a man as close as I could to his exact dimensions (Marko Jaric), I know how luckys you is to be wit such a man... and I no heez happy that you be wit heem. Gracias Miss Dizzy... and don't take advantage of heem... for he is the wind... and no woman can contain heem... sigh... he's still the talk of the annual show backstage with all of the other angels... oh no, it is so steamy in here with all of the ladies thinking about heem that RoboCop isn't working right..." "Warning! Warning! Malfunction! Malfunction! New p-p-p-prime directive is to dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance FREEZE! Now shake your posterior vigorously! WARNING! KANYE & KARDASHIAN ARE WITHIN THE PERIMETER!!!"

SONG FOR 2012: "WE'RE PREGGERS!!! You all still care, right? Irregardless, we are here to present the award for song of the year... but cuz most new music is all auto-tuned to hell, y'all welcome, and Adele gets all the love in the world, there's no award this year... I just wanted to come up here & show you my baby mama's ace! THE ROC IS IN THE BUILDING!!! On to the next one..."
MOVIE FOR 2012: "Okay $teve, I get it... you haven't seen my new movie Django Unchained yet, u'kay u'kay... I get it, movie tickets are ridiculously expensive, you were busy during the holidays, whatever. And this was a year with a lot of competition... I mean you had the Avengers movie, which was like six superhero movies in one... you had the classy picture Lincoln with Daniel Day-Lewis actin' his ass off... and you even had a bunch of hyped crap like the last Harry Potter, the last Twilight & even other movies dealing with slavery like mine & Lincoln... but instead it was Lincoln hunting f**king vampires who kept slavery going? Really? Come on... even I think that's ridiculous... and you know I've seen just about every movie ever made. The thing that gets me though... is this was supposed to be the year... when you finally matched up my brilliance... against the Batman... head to head... mano e mano... and you gave this award to f**king BATMAN for "Dark Knight Rises" saying that you haven't seen the other one. I specifically held out until the last week of the year so that you would have it fresh in your mind for these awards... and you f**ked me! I demand to know.... right now... head to head... mano y mano... who's it going to be? Me? Or the Bat? Whoa, watch it Tin Man!" "Time limit exceeded! Vacate the stage for the next presenter, the Batman!"

VIDEO GAME FOR 2012: (Christian Bale's Batman voice) "I'm Batman... and this year had some great new video game titles for the PS3 video console... and $teve even had time to play some of them this year. So did he pick MY game, Arkham City? It's a great game... how about Assassin’s Creed III? It's a lot like me... but traveling through time or something, I don't know... the story's a little out there... but you get the idea, they're just kinda trying to rip me off. Still, pretty awesome... because I'm Batman... and everything within three degrees of me is awesome... but the game that $teve probably played the most this year was NCAA Football 2013. That's right, a football game... but this one actually has a lot of versatility & game modes that he really likes more than any recent game that he's purchased... but all are great games... and since Barry Sanders isn't going to come take this award... I'll take it on his beha... wait a minute... where did it go?" Pops up behind Batman, "Ah-ha! It is I, Ezio Auditore! I have stolen the award from under you... Deuces!" (smoke bomb & both disappear)
TV SHOW FOR 2012: "Good evening everyone, great to see you, welcome to the Report... oh wait, sorry, force of habit, I'm Stephen Colbert! (hold for applause) Yes... yes... Yes, I know... I'm happy to see me too... but I am not here for me... I am here, for another me... another fellow great $teve... and to present this award for the greatest TV show of 2012... and though there are great shows out there like Game of Thrones, Archer, Breaking Bad & countless others... this award should be for new shows... or at least newly discovered... so narrowly beating out My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding... we have... VH1's Couples Therapy starring the great, the one... and thankfully the only... tonight's musical guest, Sir Earl Simmons... or perhaps better known as... DMX, WHAT'S MY MUTHA F**KIN NAAAAME!!!"
 "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, WHAT??? COME ON!!!"
HALLOWEEN COSTUME: "Since I'm already up here... he was Waldo again for Halloween... yeah, he totally phoned it in..."

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: "He also likes Jacques dans le Boite... so here's the next presenter... and a good friend of $teve... Mister Adam Carolla"

BOOK OF THE YEAR: “Hey everybody, $teve read my book 'In Fifty Years, We’ll All Be Chicks' from a few years ago... and my new audio book 'Not Taco Bell Material... so that's pretty f**king awesome... I'm not sure what else you guys need to know about the book or anything... but it's basically stories of my life... and a bunch of rants from a bitter old white guy... not entirely unlike this blog... so yeah, if you like this, you might like them... is that good? Do I get my check now? Thanks.”

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: "Oh... and since I'm up here... I'll tell you who's a real douchebag... whoever the hell is making everything so f**king expensive nowadays despite being in a recession. Whoever that is needs to get raped by a chainsaw... anyway, that's all I have to say about that... have a great night everybody... back to you, RoboPig!"
"Ladies & gentlemen, prepare for introductions of the guest of honor. Welcome... The $teve!!! (Roaring applause, fireworks, panties flock to the stage)

“Thank you! Thank you so much for coming out! Can I get a woot woot for our fantastic presenters? (Hold for applause) They were great. They truly went above & beyond what I would have paid them. Well, thank you all for yet another great year. 2012 was a biggie. The world didn't blow up... I got laid repeatedly… things were just good all around... and so here are a few of my awards that I'm just going to run through real quick because I know you all have parties to get to this new year...”

BEST RELATIONSHIP: YAY!!! I finally have a legitimate answer for this one!!! Dizzy!!! If you don’t know her… then you don’t read my blog… or hers… but yeah, she’s pretty f**king amazing… and she would have to be for me to continue hanging out with her sooooo… yeah.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: I watched "Cannibal the Musical" and "Orgazmo" with Dizzy... and apparently back then I wasn't looking for anything serious... remember? Well, we're doing it now... but still hanging out... so yeah, that's cool. 

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Just being more open to everything... and basically just doing what I need to do to be happy... that's really about it...

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Keep on doing what I'm doing... only more so... and I've already got a good plan set up to keep it moving...
STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Sigh… f**king St Patrick’s Day keeps popping up on this one!!! After several liters of fine Czech beer, some a-hole decided to start buying shots… and of course, guys can’t be topped, so then other guys are buying shots, then you time travel to the next morning feeling like sh*t & having to go to work because you’re a G. That was pretty much the worst that I “went IN” this year… but hey, I had a lot of fun before the alcohol took effect, nobody got hurt (except maybe a wallet here & there), and I woke up with a beautiful young lady by my side so… can’t really beat that with a baseball bat. Chu’ch!!!

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: I DIDN’T MOVE THIS YEAR!!! (Strikes up the band & drops balloons from the ceiling)
HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Christmas I guess... but also winning Employee of the Quarter was pretty awesome... and I had some fun vacation... but yeah, Christmas wins.
LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Don't wanna jinx it... but there really haven't been too many low points. Probably when Dizzy & I's trip to Mount Shasta was kinda ruined when her car was stolen & the establishment that was set to prosecute & help her get her car back were lacking to say the least... but all in all, it was still a fun time with her... and nothing horrible happened. Just frustrating more than anything... and if that's the low point, you really can't complain.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas... as usual...

Last Year’s REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS Review (still in effect for 2013 as well):
  • Date Dammit!Checkity-check-check!
  • Learn Another LanguageUgh… dammit… this makes like 5 years in a row…
  • Give Up Mountain DewI was doing real good... until about May… but still better than I was…
  • Get Back Into Ballin’ ShapeI’ve had the gym membership for a while now & was doing pretty gooduntil about May… and now I have a quarterly Bacon Day which doesn’t help the diet aspect at all… but yeah, not too bad but can always get better
  • Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though I’m pretty sure she’s forgotten about me
  • Use My PassportShe still needs stamps but plans are in the works…
  • Write a Children’s Book – I’m well on my way with making a comic & with being surrounded by artistically talented family & friends, it makes for a great start to my future literary domination! Watch yo ass, Stan Lee!
  • Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*tI’ve really learned to just relax & take things as they come… for example, Employee of the Quarter at work! Proof, pudding, BOOM!!!
  • Look for the Next Step – I’m really working on “the Plan” as Bubbles so eloquently put it a while back… and things are moving along nicely.
  • Survive the Apocalypse – Though San Francisco seems to be the epicenter of every disaster in movies from X-Men to Rise of the Planet of the Apes to Towering Inferno to The Birds to Mission: Impossible to whatever, I survived like a f**king CHAMPION!!! Now I just have to wait for the next Y2K to outlast…
Thanks for coming out ladies & gentlemen... drive home safely... anything else left to say RoboCop?

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Jesus' 2012th Birthday Trip

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Here's a quick recap of my Christmas trip to Utah... and just a heads up, you're going to notice a LOT of relaxing taking place, so it might not be too exciting... but hey, it was MY vacation...

Wednesday - Went to work early, left a little early, flew out of Oakland, my dad picked me up & I pretty much went to bed. Not a whole lot to say about Wednesday other than it was good to see my dad & stepmom... and we watched the "Total Recall" remake starring Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale & Jessica Biel. Check it out. It's not quite as ridiculous as the original, though plenty of throwbacks to it... but still has its moments. I highly recommend it.

Thursday - I spent at my brother's playing "Start the Party!" on PS Move with him & his family, just having a fun ol' time. We also watched some "Archer" because it's awesome. That evening, I also went to see my buddy Isaiah for a little bit.

Friday - The day was spent at my brother's again... and we "watched" the kids movie "Brave" starring the voice talents of many Scottish & English people. Now, I say "watched" because the kids were still VERY excited to see their Uncle $teve... and was my brother Kiel... so between all of the "Uncle $teve, look what I can do!" and "Hey $teve, why don't you come up here & check out my new toy" and the like... I didn't really get to watch the entire thing. From what I understand, it's about a Scottish princess who is your typical angsty teenage girl... and with the help of a witch, turns her mom & brothers into bears (didn't see how that happened). Now she has to save them... before her dad kills all of the bears in his village. Yeah, lessons are learned, blah blah blah... seems like it might've been a cool movie to check out with the kids sitting... but they don't do that when Uncle $teve is in town.

That night was my mom's family's Christmas / End of the World Party (being on the 21st) so it was hundreds of redneck kids & adults in the same small area (not the desert like in September) yelling & screaming and ho ho ho'ing. It was a lot of fun seeing everybody. That night, I went to my mom's house to enjoy "the Fortress of Solitude" and hang out with the kiddies.

Saturday - In the morning we went to my Aunt Pat's to make some cookies & other goodies... including my favorites, Kiefels (aka Baby Jesus Cookies). On the way though... my mom had saved about five garbage bags full of my niece & nephew's toys (spoiled?) that she was going to give away to Deseret Industries (like Goodwill in Utah). Well, she didn't do it in the weeks leading up to this day... so she waited until the kids were in the car to witness it. Yeah, she did the equivalent of putting the puppy down right in front of the kids. So Kairi had a little freakout over a little pink baby purse that she allegedly still played with... but yeah, that was fun for about 45 minutes of wailing.

Then we made goodies at Aunt Pat's while watching "Spirit" an animated tale from a few years ago about a horse (narrated by Matt Damon) in the Old West. He's a wild horse... with a mind of his own... who's taken by union soldiers... and then by native americans... where he meets a friend & a ladyfriend horse... and then gets taken back and... again, I didn't get to "watch" all of it because the kids were there & I was making cookies & frankly, I didn't really give a sh*t... but I can tell you that the soundtrack was by Bryan Adams... because I couldn't stop laughing whenever he was singing... and I'm not sure why... but if you have the soundtrack, you probably know why... and are sorry for your purchase.

Sunday - That night, I went to bed at 8 PM accidentally... by which I mean, I laid down with my nephew Vinny to get him to sleep... and then woke up 7 hours later at 3 AM... and then couldn't really sleep any more, so I got up & watched some "Psych" on Netflix. Kairi was already up & bugging my mom to wake up, so she watched it with me as long as she lied down.

Later that day, I watched a little football at my brother's (using my Red Zone access on his PS3... ssshhh...), then went to my Dad's to hang with him for a few hours because he had to work most of the week. That night, we watched "Good Morning Vietnam" which you've probably already seen but it has it's hilarious points... and it's hard-hitting gripping points. Check it out. Robin Williams is an American treasure. He's American, right? Most funny guys are Canadian but... anyway, a North American treasure at least.

Monday - During the day, my dad & I watched "Fright Night" starring Colin Farrell & Anton Yelchin... which is a remake of an 80's horror flick about a teenager (Yelchin) and his neighbor (Farrell) being a charismatic vampire who's cleaning out the neighborhood. Think "Rear Window" meets "Wild Boys" set in Las Vegas. It was pretty good... I liked it for what it was. Check it out.

That evening was my stepmom's family's Christmas Eve Party and it was the usual get together with food, family togetherness... and the twist this time... was a Baby Buffalo Jesus during the Nativity Scene...

Tuesday - I spent the night at my brother's & we woke up early for Xmas with the kiddies, then "watched" the new movie "Arthur Christmas" while the kids were playing & showing off all their new toys... this movie is another kids flick... and is actually kinda funny. It's about Santa's kids Arthur & Steve. You already know which one that I like better already... and he's voiced by Hugh Laurie. Anyway, Santa is looking to retire... and his son Steve has been running the show like a f**king champ... but he has the other son Arthur who's a bit of a bumbling idiot... but he loves Christmas. Anyway, a present slips through the cracks... and Steve thinks that 99.999999999% success rate is acceptable... so Arthur puts the whole operation in danger to deliver one present with his grandpa (former Santa back in the day) and well, it's a kid's flick. Check it out. I just see kids flicks a little differently now that I'm an adult.

By the way, about half of the Disney princesses are horrible people who weren't disciplined as children. Ariel? Red headed teenage runaway who learned the secret to getting her man was to get a nice pair of legs & shut the f**k up. Medira from "Brave"? Turned her family into f**king bears and put their lives in danger because she didn't want to be a descent well-mannered girl. Jasmine? I ain't saying she's a gold digger... but her rich princess ass ain't f**king with no broke Aladdin unless he was Prince Ali Ababwa. Tinker Bell? That b**ch handed over basically ALL of her friends to f**king pirates... because she was jealous of one of them. That's right... death and possible syphilitic pirate rape because of a little jealous. What a c**t!!! What's my point? Anyway, I'm just gonna stop there, but these aren't role models, so on with the vacation.

Wednesday - My dad, stepmom & I went to see "Jack Reacher" starring Tom Cruise. This movie is based on a series of novels (so my stepmom tells me) and it was actually pretty good. Basically about a former army cop who is a ghost now & helps where it's needed to give real vigilante justice. Kind of like... "Burn Notice" without the whole "trying to be a spy again" backstory or Bruce Campbell, so it does miss that. All in all though, I liked it a lot... and I'm not going to spoil it for you... but check it out. Great car chase scene in the middle of it.

That night, I watched "The Descent" starring fairly cute chicks. Seriously, that's all who is in it & you've never seen them in anything else except the sequels. Anyway, it's actually a pretty good horror flick about lady adventurers who make a dive into an unexplored cave in back woods Applachia... and then there's a cave-in, so they have to keep going deeper to find a way out... but the deeper they go, the crazier things become... and they find that they're not alone. The filming & scenography is pretty much as good as it can get (though the story is what it is, still pretty descent, er decent) so I highly recommend it. Be warned, it gets a little bloody.

Thursday & Friday - I basically watched college bowl games & hung out with my stepmom due to snowy weather... and then friday night I flew back & met up with my ladyfriend Dizzy. That's really about it. Hope you all had a great Christmas too!!!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Turkey Day 2 - Revenge of the Turks

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
This week has been pretty busy & fun… so I’ll catch you up a bit on it. Last week, I was introduced to a wonderful little made-for-TV Lifetime movie called “The Christmas Counselor” (thanks Soup) starring David Hasselhoff as the ultimate Christmas party planner… and yes, The Hoff was creepy & charismatic… and I highly recommend that you watch it with your friends. Or better yet, do what I did… and fast forward to the parts with the Hoff while watching it with your friends & enjoying a few beverages. ‘Twas awesome for the holidays…
Saturday, Dizzy prepared a little Orphan’s Thanksgiving for some of her friends… and the food was magnificent. That girl can cook. She may make a lucky bastard a very happy fat man someday. We ate for what seemed like hours… behold...

Then we watched a little nugget from our childhoods by the name of “Super Mario Bros” starring Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo & Dennis Hopper. Now… if you’ve never seen this movie, you might be kinda lucky. However, it’s not really any more ridiculous than the concept of the video game of which it’s based, just attempted to be made into a movie. Dialogue: Ridiculous. Plot: Preposterous. Visual effects: Early 90’s, so… do you remember the live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies? That kind of stuff. It was interesting to mock as most childhood movies can be… but yeah, definitely don’t watch it alone. You’ll turn it off about ten minutes in, at most. Dennis Hopper is in blonde cornrows. Need I really say more? By the way, I'm pretty sure the Washington Post comment on the movie poster "It's a Blast!" was taken out of context. I'm trying to research it but I think the excerpt it was taken from was something like "This movie? It's a blast in the face of movie watchers from an unwelcome fallus!!! Shield your eyes!!!"

Sunday, I spend most of the day watching football as I feel I should on my day off… but also had fun with Dizzy & Batgirl as they made fun of how homoerotic the sport & its commentary are (it’s a fact, just about everything can easily be turned very dirty and/or disturbing) and also chatting about this & that. I also multitasked by doing some Xmas shopping (via phone) and making lunch (also via phone, Village Pizzeria). It was a pretty chill day of me watching football while they did homework.
Monday was the preview screening of “The Hobbit” (because I’m a G) and let’s just say… it was a LOT more exciting then I thought it was going to be based on the children’s tale that was one short movie and is now being extended to three epics… Peter Jackson is basically just jerking himself off with all of the amazing special effects that he can do… and for being nearly three hours long, it really flew by… like… I drank a liter of Mountain Dew right before the show & didn’t even need to go to the bathroom… I’m assuming because my body was so intensely drawn into the movie that it didn’t even process the juices in my stomach until a later time. Also, Sir Ian McKellen is a badass. Now, I just can’t wait to see the next two movies… because this one effectively teased the reason for watching the whole trilogy… and that’s Smaug the Dragon (not the air over Los Angeles). Peter Jackson & Game of Thrones know where the money is… and it’s in teasing dragons effectively (also, probably one reason why the Eragon series didn’t really take flight). Anyway, go check out this movie as soon as possible.
Wednesday night was a Work Outing with my team of coworkers… and we had a lot of fun. Our first stop was to the Boys & Girls Club to help with homework and make some awesome Christmas ornaments. That was a lot of fun… and of course the kids were mesmerized by my height. Next stop was Floragrubb to make some things for us… basically they’re called airariums… and are like little terrariums… but in ornament sizes, so super mini. Here are a few pictures…

Our dinner & white elephant gift exchange this year was at 1300 Fillmore which is one of my favorite little spots right next to Yoshi’s. We were well fed, well drank (is that right? Drinked? Drunken?) and had a grand time just relaxing outside of the work environment. What was the white elephant that I got? Well, I’d love to share… but I plan on regifting it to somebody who will actually REALLY appreciate it… so to be continued. The food was excellent though, so check out 1300 Fillmore if you’re in the area.
Thursday night, a few of my friends & I met up for a special preview of "Gangster Squad" starring Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Josh Brolin & Sean Penn. Now, I was very skeptical of this movie... because it looked like it was going to try to be an "LA Confidential" kind of movie... but it had a Jay-Z song in the preview... and was from the director of "Zombieland" Ruben Fleischer. Was it going to be serious? A comedy? An abortion? Who knows? But it had great potential for any of them. (By the way, fun fact: The director of LA Confidential Curtis Hanson, also directed an episode of "Greg the Bunny" so diversity isn't necessarily a bad thing) The movie is based on a book, that allegedly is inspired by true events in 1940's Los Angeles about an old school police chief (Nick Nolte) putting together a small squad of the few remaining good cops in the LAPD (back when there were a few) to take down crime kingpin Mickey Cohen (Penn). Now, the movie is almost exactly what you would expect from the preview... there are lots of guns & fighting... and actually a pretty even punch-bullet ratio... there are not going to be any Academy Awards handed out for this movie... but it's well shot, Sean Penn does a pretty convincing insane Mickey Cohen... Gosling & Brolin are who they are... Emma Stone continues to be hot... there are a few laughs, a few tears, a lot of cheesy elements... but all in all, not a horrible movie. It's been pushed back a few times from its initial release date due to all of the shootings in the news given its violent nature (& a few deleted scenes involving a movie theatre) but yeah, if that's what you're looking for, you probably won't be disappointed... except maybe for the over cheesiness at some points. Give it a gander if that's you thing.
Also, I got my Christmas present from Dizzy... and she's amazing... and she made me action figures. What? Made? Action figures? That's right. See... we've been working on my side project... which is a comic book... and she made a few of the characters out of other toys & her own artistic awesomeness... so behold a few creatures from... ROBOPANDA vs ZOMBIE DINOSAURS!!!
I know... you want to place your orders now... patience, my friends! The first issues should be coming soon... and they're well worth the wait. Unfortunately we just have REALLY busy schedules... but I will keep you posted on the release dates. In the meantime, I'm off to Utah for Christmas vacation in a few days so... HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY / CHRISTMAS / HANNUKAH / KWANZA / COLLEGE FOOTBALL BOWL / WHATEVER TIME!!!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Wocka Wocka Wocka

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
It has been a busy week… and pretty rainy… but yeah, I make it work. I’ve started looking at different venues of getting money in addition to my current job… and there are a few that I’m particularly inspired by… but I’m not going to share them just yet as they’re in the rough stages… but yeah, I’m excited about them. And no, I’m not going back into the gigolo game again. Sorry ladies…
Other opportunities in my profession have come up as possibilities… but it would require moving again (possibly several times) so that’s a big drawback… as I really like where I’m at. The Bay Area has been good to me… and I like to think that I’ve been good to it with my random donations of charity via parking tickets, taxes, DMV, and really any other institution that can get it’s grubby hands on money I didn’t even know that I had set aside for philanthropy. Let’s face it… I just won employee of the quarter too, so… my current employer apparently likes me (or knows how to pander to my ego, or both). However, if the current profession is the pinnacle that I can reach here, then perhaps I need to venture into awkward territory again outside of my comfort zone. It’s not like I’m getting offers from the Caribbean, Belize, the south of France or anything like that. It’s more like places where they are kind of begging people to go… like LA, New Orleans, Washington DC and basically places that I don’t really see holding up when compared to the Bay. Still, it’s the situation where I can be content & stay here… or I can be ambitious & go someplace else… but obviously there’s the pros & cons.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Can’t you stay ANYWHERE for more than a year?” Yes… I’ve been here almost two years now… so suck it. You don’t know me. You don’t know my life. I’ll show you ig’nant! Okay, so maybe you do know me… and my life… and maybe I am ig’nant… but still, if you’re not moving forward you’re falling behind… and that’s why I’m focusing on the other things that I can do to get that next step in my free time. Besides, I’ve got a ladyfriend now… and I kinda like her… so that plays a big role too. So growth within my company would 99% require me moving somewhere else… then if I’m lucky, technology will allow me to work from anywhere I choose… but that’s down the line quite a bit… and I think it’d actually be a little bit of a pay cut from what I currently am at… but I could live in a less costly place like Wichita rather than the Presidio. Some beach house in Belize is also an option. There’s also the prospect of moving back to Utah… but yeah, not a necessity. I miss my family, don’t get it twisted… but it’s Utah… and they can come visit me too if they miss me so damn much.
Go back to school? F**k school. That’s my opinion… and my conviction seems to get even stronger with each passing day. Maybe it’s the old man growing inside of me… but I just see it as a waste of money, not necessarily time, but definitely money. I liked the structure of it… but yeah, not sure the “investment” was worth it. Then again, you never know. The concept of progressing through knowledge though, is definitely a great thing. This is where focusing on learning a language or looking into a particular career or learning a new trade would come in. Focus has been the main problem for me for… well, most of my life. I’m not sure if you’ve seen all of the “…” or read any of my rants… but that’s my life. When I can focus on something, I usually do extremely well. Academics, my job, basketball, planning out stuff has usually been pretty good… but coming down to execution is where my focus gets distracted… so I’ll have to work on that. Heck, you’ve seen how often I’m updating this thing now… weekly instead of daily… and I’ll just blame it on all the shinies & other things going on here in the Bay.
Find something I’m passionate about? I like my job. I do it very well (dare I say top 1% of those out there doing it?). Am I passionate about it? I’m passionate about helping my coworkers stay gainfully employed by maximizing revenues, but in the usual big business turn, sometimes they just take what they can get out of me without paying more than they would if I was half-assing & doing enough to just not get fired. Ask my former employer in Tahoe about hiring three people to do my job after I left & still not getting desired results. Then again, if they’d just paid me about 50% more (so less than half what they’re paying now when you throw in benefits) then I might’ve stayed there… but then wouldn’t be privy to Bay livin’ so it all works out for a reason, right? The point is… if I’m passionate about something, it usually works out pretty well… and that can be the key to finding happiness in your career.
So what about this new side venture? First off, it’s perfectly legal. I just want to get that out in the open as I’m openly expressed on this blog some ideas for making money that are high risk-high reward ranging from selling drugs to robbing banks to mercenary work to superhero-for-hire (surprisingly similar to mercenary work) to sex video games to he-whoring and everything in between… but this venture is legit. Here are some other benefits to it:
  • Fairly inexpensive to get into, so startup capital isn’t a real issue
  • As time consuming as I want it to be
  • Appeals to my sense of Creativity, which has been sorely lacking
  • Can include family & friends who would be interested
  • Can basically work from anywhere
  • Tough to turn a serious profit but if done right can bring in some serious coin
  • Uses a multitude of my skills & most of my cunning… no, wait… ALL of my cunning
  • Even if I hit it REALLY big, Fame is merely optional
  • I can still have my current career until I start getting serious dividends
  • I don’t have to worry about going to jail
  • I don’t have to worry about getting stabbed more than usual
  • I probably won’t show up on “Cops” (is that show still on the air or is it reruns?)
  • It’s low in saturated fats… but you know I always add bacon
Anyway, so yeah, I’m kind of excited about it… and once I really get into it, I’ll probably share with you what it is… but for copyright purposes, it’s probably just easier that I don’t. If you’re really interested, you can always drop me a line. Other than that, I don’t really have a whole hell of a lot to tell ya. “Dark Knight Rises” is out on Blu-Ray so… you know I’ve watched it again already. It’s such a great movie… yet such an awkwardly bad movie at times too… I really enjoy it though & that’s what matter. Watched it along with “The Avengers” this week in a recap of summer superhero awesomeness. Maybe I’ll get “Amazing Spiderman” soon to package with them but… I’m in no hurry obviously.
This next week, I’ve been invited to a few more special premiers for upcoming Hollywood awesomeness (see “Lincoln” a few weeks ago). On Monday, Batgirl & I are going to see “The Hobbit” a few days before theatrical release… and then on Thursday, a small group of us are going to dress in our swanky 1940’s attire (really just what I wear at the office everyday) for a premiere showing of “Gangster Squad” which I’ve had my reservations about based on the preview… but it has great potential… and you really can’t beat free… unless you include complimentary cocktails, hors d’ouevres, make-overs & do-ups at a pre-party like they did… so yeah, that should be fun.

Well, I guess that’ll be it. I’d better get to some Christmas shopping since I’ll be in Utah in less than two weeks. I can’t wait to see all y’all there. Have a great day everybody!!!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

ALL of the Stars

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Been a pretty fun week I guess... not sure if I mentioned in past posts that I was nominated for an award at work... but I was completely surprised when I ended up winning it Wednesday. Yup, I basically won an employee of the quarter award. It's one of those things where you work hard, do your best, collaborate with a lot of other great employees who also use their gifts to the best of their abilities on a daily basis... and you think "There's no way I can win this. Very few people know who I am or what I do. They've been here longer. Other nominees are more socialable & more deserving, it's an honor just to be nominated." Then you win... and it's kinda like... "Damn right! It's about time!" Okay, so it was more like "HWHAAAAT???" So yeah, kind of on cloud nine about that thing... but that's not all that happened this week.

Rick Majerus Passed Away - Back in 1999, I was on the practice squad for the University of Utah men's & women's basketball team... so I got to work a little bit with the men's head basketball coach, Mr. Rick Majerus. His grasp of the game of basketball & the strategy behind it was amazing... and his coaching career will show it. From working with the championship winning Marquette team in the 70's to leading the U of U to the national championship game in the 90's, helping players like Andre Miller & Keith Van Horn to take their game to the professional level and so on. Was he the nicest man in the world? I would vote no... then again, a surprising number of celebrities have called me an A$$hole over the years... he probably just did it the most... but hey, that's his style I guess. Even those that loved him would probably say the same. Unfortunately, he was also a large man with a large appetite that didn't pair well with health problems... and unfortunately a tumultuous decade, it finally caught up with him. My deepest condolences to his family... and I hope that he was able to find some peace.

The college football championship is set up as Notre Dame vs Alabama... or the Fightin' Irish vs the Crimson Tide... or as I prefer to look at it, the St. Patrick's Day versus That Time of the Month. It should make for an interesting game... but it's going to be difficult to top the SEC Championship that Alabama played against Georgia to set it up. Pro football has been pretty good today too. A few overtime games... Eagles playing tonight, thought their season is basically done... good times.

Friday night, I put up my Christmas tree... now just need presents for under it...

Saturday, I helped Dizzy with a booth of her amazing creations at a craft fair at the Pinole Senior Center... and it was actually a lot of fun. We set up in the morning, and we were easily the youngest people there by about... 30 years easy. Dizzy made a variety of cool things to sell for reasonably cheap... but unfortunately the weather was REALLY rainy so turnout wasn't the greatest. However, we still made enough to cover expenses for the table, got a great lunch for a $10 donation, even found a few trinkets for a few bucks from other crafters... oh & I got to hang out with my ladyfriend for a few hours on an otherwise rainy day. Here's an early shot of her table before we made a few adjustments... great practice for our next table, wherever that might be.

Saturday night, we watched the highly anticipated "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" starring Rufus Sewell, Benjamin Walker & Dominic Cooper... and from the director of "Wanted" so you know it's historically accurate & obeys the laws of physics & reality. Long story short, it's the story of young Abraham's mother being killed by a man... so he grows up with a heart full of vengeance... and then when he tries to kill the man as a teenager (Walker), he discovers he's a vampire... and then he's saved by a man (Cooper) who becomes his mentor... and trains him to hunt & kill vampires. Now... yes, the story is imaginative & I really liked it because... well, I'm a little crazy & like everybody else I like the idea of Abraham Lincoln hunting vampires (already working on Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter & then collaborate with Rob Zombie on Werewolf Women of the SS). If you're looking for historically accurate telling with minimal plotholes... then by all means watch Steven Spielberg's "Lincoln" like I did a few weeks ago. This movie will be full of CGI, action craziness, a little bit of gore, lots of questions regarding plot pionts, and you'll have to stretch a bit to go with the plot point that vampires killed the native Americans & kept slavery intact for so long... but as long as you can get through that, you'll probably enjoy it. It's basically like any other superhero story... just instead of a rich orphan with unlimited funds & cunning becoming Batman, it's an orphan with an axe who hunts vampires & become President. Enjoy! Unrelated, I watched this with Dizzy & Batgirl... and we followed this up with "Expendables 2", the latest episodes of "The Walking Dead" & "Comic Book Men" and then capped off the night with "Land of the Dead." Yeah, it was fitting.

I think that'll do it for tonight. Can't believe it's already December. Better do some Christmas shopping. Have a great week everybody!!!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Legend of the Turkey Spider

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Thanksgiving weekend is drawing to a bit of a close... so I thought I'd share what happened the past few days. Wednesday, I got outta work a few hours early, so I celebrated by going home & relaxing... and playing video games, cuz I'm a G. Thursday though... was Thanksgiving. I celebrating by meeting up with my ladyfriend Dizzy & meeting up at her aunt's house in Pinole... and her mama came to town, which is awesome... because I know she misses hers like I miss mine.

It was a full wonderful day of great people, great food, and even some decent football. There was SO much food... and even I got in the game & fried up some brined chicken legs (magnificent if I say so myself) but yeah, everybody was full of goodness by the end of the night. There was a lot of talk obviously about what we're thankful for... so I thought I'd share a few things:

1) My family - Love y'all madly...
2) My friends - Love y'all madly...
3) My health - I like being able to pee & poop right. It's definitely one of those things that you don't appreciate until it's gone... just ask your grandpa if you don't believe me.
4) Being able to provide for myself - I know my job isn't easy... but I enjoy the people that I work with... and the juice is definitely worth the squeeze... and you know what they say, if winning was easy, losers would do it.
5) My sense of humor - It gets me through some tough times... and has helped others too.
6) Sports - Because in today's society, very few people would be healthy if the only way you could exert yourself was running from large wild animals or jogging.
7) Living in 'Merica - Let's face it... if other countries were really better, you'd be living there, right? By the way, check back in with me in a few years when I'm living on a beach in Belize.
8) "Yes, I would like bacon on that..."
9) My imagination - Again, helped me through some tough times... and keeps my reality limber & exciting. Hopefully it'll also help me to provide for me & mine in the near future.
10) My sense of perspective - Otherwise I could really be a raging douchebag... and then how would I live with myself?
11) My blog readers - Yes... both of you...

Friday, Dizzy was supposed to work... but somehow there was a series of events that led her to call off... so we met up with the ladies again (mom & aunts) and we headed to a little 3-4 mile hike at Point Pinole. Here are some pictures...

Saturday, Dizzy had to work... so I basically stayed at home & watched college football on Rivalry Weekend... and there were some great games. Apparently the National Championship is going to be Notre Dame versus the winner of the Alabama-Georgia game next week... and Ohio State finished undefeated but because of discounts on tattoos, they won't be a part of the bowl games, which I have no problem with. Why? Because I feel that getting a discount on tattoos or jerseys or whatever legitimizes the penalty? Of course not, but because something needed to be done about the stuff they couldn't prove... and frankly, since Urban Meyer left Utah, f**k him!!! Just kidding, he seems like a good guy... I really just hate when people say THE Ohio State University... seriously, you're a buckeye, keep it in perspective with your communications degree there, buddy.

Saturday night though was the evening with Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine at Bimbo's 365 Club. The venue is great for that roaring 20's theme, but they pack a LOT of people into a very small space, that's really my main problem with the place. Although, the performers were amazing. There was a burlesque dancer Violetta... something. The warmup act was Project Pimento, who do a similar swingy, bossa nova rendition of popular hits... using an instrument known as a Theremin (pictured below). It gives a cool creepy sound like from those 50's space invader movies... but the other music is very nice like you're in the club scene from the Rocketeer or something with a lady singing in a seashell & her swanky backup band. Yup, I bought their albums.

Sir Cheese & the band were also absolutley amazing as well. He mentioned in a post this morning that he was actually battling a stomach illness & considered cancelling, but we're all glad that he didn't because the band was amazing & he didn't seem to have a single miscue... and it was an amazing solid two hours of performance & humor. We really enjoyed ourselves (of course Dizzy was with me). Kudos to you, Mr. Cheese!

Today, I'm watching the Red Zone Channel while typing this up... so I'm about to get back to it, just thought I'd share with you. Hope you're all having a great weekend everybody!!!

Where Should I Go Next?