The Quest for Unobtainium

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sorry I haven't been keeping y'all posted this past week... I know you're ALWAYS enthralled with how the great Dr Mookie Love is spending his Valentine's Day regardless of the time of year... but especially when you're preparing your own activities. Guys are always asking me stuff like "$teve, how do I make my girl's muffin melt?" or "Dude, why is my girl always asking about you? Why you gotta be so fly all the time?" Ladies usually just speak to me in moans, hums & f**k me eyes... but I know that I have a duty to communicate this information to you on a regular basis. However, this week was EXTREMELY busy at work for me personally & overall... so by the time I get home, when I do have a free moment, I don't wanna think & articulate my thoughts. Some people out there are lucky to get text messages... but I hold myself to a high standard with this thing... so my apologies. Let's see... what happened?

Monday, nothing much... worked all day, came home, caught up on some sleep. Tuesday was Valentine's Day though... and I got some company from Dizzy. She had never seen the Trey Parker classics of "Cannibal! The Musical" and "Orgazmo" so we watched those. The thing is... with Dizzy, I'm not really looking for a romantic relationship... I'm looking for more of a friendship. You know, someone where we can go do things, go on adventures, hang out, keep it casual... but I'm afraid she wants more of the holding hands, cuddling, romance, that kind of thing. I blame myself. No, not for my actions or anything as I've been keeping it very friendly & casual... but I blame myself because... as I mentioned earlier, I'm just so irresistable apparently. Okay, that last part may not be true... but yeah, it's an awkward situation that I plan on explaining before too long... so hopefully neither of us get too twisted about it. Sigh... anyway, that was my Valentine's Day.

Wednesday, I found out that Jackie D & C-Real (from the Vegas Adventure in November) may be coming to visit me very soon thanks to recent airline sales. They're saying in April sometimes... but we shall see. Nothing definite. I also watched season one of "Frisky Dingo" with my roommate Batgirl. She had never seen it... but loved "Archer" so it was a natural fit (being a Batman fan & all). Oh... and if you don't remember, "Frisky Dingo" is about a spoiled brat version of Bruce Wayne and the hilarious & kooky adventures that he gets into with his bumbling arch nemesis Killface. Check it out. Boosh!

Thursday, I went to my first Zumba class at the Y... and let me tell you that I may be attending these classes more often. Apparently... Zumba is where big firm booties & tig bitties go to shake it in a sweaty dancing workout... and daddy like. Now, of course, I have to work a little more on my rhythm as apparently the past few years my hips have forgotten how to salsa & meringue through lack of use... but yeah, really enjoyed the class & I think I did pretty well for a first time. Everybody warned me that I would be gasping for air by the end of it... and I was perfectly fine stamina wise. I even went & worked out some more after the hour class. So there... the stamina is coming back in a major way. Watch out ladies...

Friday, I wasn't feeling too hot thanks to the exhausting work week so I called it a night and watched "The Rum Diary" starring Johnny Depp, Aaron Eckhart, Richard Jenkins & Amber Heard. Based on the legendary Hunter S. Thompson novel, it's the story of a journalist (Depp) who is hired by a dying newspaper in San Juan, Puerto Rico in 1960. While there, he gets involved in a little land conspiracy with a real estate tycoon (Eckhart) and has a major crush on his nemesis' girlfriend (Heard) while trying to help his editor (Jenkins) keep the paper afloat... oh and of course he has a bit of a drinking problem... and finds other drugs along the way. To be honest, the scenery of Puerto Rico was beautiful... as was Amber Heard... but the movie didn't really grip me as I thought it might. I was honestly expecting "Fear & Loathing in San Juan" but it was more... I don't know, preachy about how the white man comes in and destroys everything beautiful in the name of money... which may be true & let's face it, based on Hunter's work, what else should I really expect? So yeah... pretty good movie but not thoroughly thrilling. Check it out if you'd like but not a must see.

Saturday morning, I went to Dynamo Donuts because I had a hankering for some exotic donuts... including the mythical Bacon Maple Apple donuts that they had there. Other varieties include Lemon Pistachio, Dark Cholocate Anise, Cornmeal Rosemary Cherry & even a special winter ale variety. So... I basically got a dozen donuts (Pixie wanted three) and sadly have been noshing on them since... down to about 3-4 left as sad as that is... but they are so delicious... and you know, they're basically destroyed after two days or so anyway. I highly recommend that you go try these donuts. Warning: They are about $3 a pop & I think you get about 300 calories per dollar... but f**k it, they're delicious & you can always just push yourself harder at the gym if you feel badly about it. That's how I do it... and as you can see, the results speak for themselves. Ha...

During the day, I was flipping through the channels after the sun had gone down... and I decided to watch one of the worst movies that I never even finished... and it's "The Core" starring Aaron Eckhart, Hilary Swank, Delroy Lindo, Stan Tucci, Richard Jenkins & the world's greatest actor... DJ QUALLS!!! Okay, I watched this movie when it first came out a few years back... and about half way through, they had completely lost me. Allow me to sum up the premise real quick: The Earth's magnetic field is in major flux. People's pacemakers are stopping, birds are going nuts & dozens of people are dying. What is the cause of it? The Earth's molten core which controls the magnetic field is slowing down & possibly going to stop which would have catastrophic results including seismic activity, UV ray meltdown of the surface, superstorms... basically everybody dies. Period. So how do we stop it? Simple. You get a crack team of people together to make a giant drill vehicle made of Unobtainium (yes, like Avator or some 1950's B-movie) to drill down into the Earth's core at about 100 MPH, while there set off a giant nuclear bomb to "jump start" the core, and then allegedly make it out of there before the explosion destroys the ship. Now... okay, I get it. You're trying to do "Armegeddon" meets "Journey to the Center of the Earth" or some sh*t... but if you manage to lose me on a scientific basis... well, here are a few text quotes to C-Real while we were chatting (because I watched the movie alone)... Possible spoiler alerts... but I wouldn't recommend you waste over two hours of your life on this movie...

"Okay, this movie just started off with a guy in his 30's or 40's randomly dying about to start a presentation... and I think I remember it being because of a pacemakers stopping. Overdose a few years back? Also, about 20 people in a block radius did the same thing, all apparently driving trucks. Does EVERYBODY have a f**king pacemaker?"

"Okay... they just had birds going nuts in London going all Hitchcock... but I swear I just saw a few fish thrown at the windows. I rewound to confirm. Pretty sure those are fish. If this movie is purposely trying to be bad, they're not doing a good job. If this movie is purposely trying to be serious, they're not doing a good job."

"Oh sh*t, I forgot the name of the material the ship is made out of was Unobtainium. What is this? Avatar? Plan 9 from Outer Space?"

"DJ QUALLS IS IN THE BUILDING!!!"

"Really? Whales are following the ship? Because whales are first off, that plentiful... secondly, they always descend to the bottom of the Miriana Trench... that's a scientific fact, right?"

"So let me get this straight... the drill that can dig through the Earth at 100 MPH has one weakness... and it's when there's NOTHING for it to drill? Why? Wouldn't that help?"

"Reality check: If you're drilling into Earth at an incredible rate at the bottom of the Miriana Trench... wouldn't the ocean water follow behind you a bit... until some of the liquid hot magma you've also gone through interfered... and it the incredibly surmountable pressure that causes diamonds & giant geodes to form? Yeah, apparently you're standing in it now as you try to fix your drill." By the way, I think this is where I stopped watching it before...

"Oh Jesus! What? Break the giant nuke into five pieces & set them off with complete millisecond accuracy... on the fly... then outrun the explosion in your already physically impossible vessel? Did you realize that it took you three full days at 100 MPH to get there in the first place? Forgetting that you don't have five separate bombs to my knowledge. Pretty sure you just had one... and if there's anything that Bond flicks have taught me, nuclear weapons are pretty complex machines that only a handful of scientists in the world can mess with."

"Sooooooo... Stuuuuuuu... Piiiiiiiii... Duuuuuuh...."

C-Real: "Lol. They insulting your intelligence again?" Me: "They haven't stopped... and I was raised on Back to the Future, Ghostbusters & Transformers. Do you have ANY idea what that takes?"

"Oh Jesus! It's getting even worse. Exciting chase music as they ride the wave of the explosion 22 hours back to the surface the exact way they came, then they throw in somethin saying 16 Hours Later... then back to the exciting chase music... Sigh... How? HOW??? Who made this f**king thing?" Answer: Director Jon Amiel who oddly enough also did "Entrapment", "Copycat" & "The Man Who Knew Too Little."

"Also, don't want to be THAT guy... but they haven't eaten or drank anything in over a week... while in a lead box in 9000 degree magma... sorry, Unobtainium."

C-Real: "These types of movies are NOT for you. They upset the bounds of your bullsh*t tolerance."

"When Journey to the Center of the Earth is more realisitic & entertaining, then yes. Also, Hilary Swank isn't distracting my logic like Megan Fox does in the Transformer movies."

After that, I watched a few episodes of "An Idiot Abroad: The Bucket List" which is a fantastic show, check it out. Anyway, that's my week. Aren't you glad that I shared it with you now? In summation, V-Day was usual... but could've been worse. Don't watch "The Core" ever... unless you want to do a drinking game or something. Less than two weeks until Disneyland with the family. Can't wait. Have a great day everybody!!! Happy President's Day!!! (I'll be working hard as usual on Monday...)