Bad Movie Blogger for Hire

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

This past week or so has been pretty standard… Dizzy stayed at my place most of the time due to the BART Strike & it was just easier that way… I didn’t mind at all. Heck, at least she picks up after herself, that’s more than one of my roommates. I’ll give you a hint which one… not a new one. Saturday, we did go to her house to clean up a bit & feed her cats… and then on the way to get some lunch, we drove by a place called The Junket which we had eaten at before (German place in a strip mall) and they were having an Oktoberfest celebration complete with dancers in leiderhosen & other traditional garb, an accordion player, free pretzels for patrons & plenty of delicious beer… so obviously we stopped for a pretzel & beer. I’m such a bad influence on Dizzy’s diet. She also bought me a fantastic gift… DAS BOOT!!! It’s a wonderful one liter glass drinking vessel shaped like a boot. It’s not the largest you’ve ever seen… but definitely the best looking. Holds about three beers & I may just have to test it this weekend with the Pumpkin Ale to show it off… so until then.

 

That evening, we went to have dinner with Dizzy’s Mom & Aunts at the aunts’ house. They prepared a wonderful meal as always… and we sat & chat it up… sipping on some seasonal beers like New Belgium’s Pumpkin ale which… also has like cranberry juice & spices mixed in… wasn’t my particular cup of tea… but also wasn’t that bad. Just seemed like they were cramming an entire Thanksgiving dinner into one sip… there might have even been some turkey & gravy in there, I wasn’t quite sure. We also tried Widmer Brothers’ Okto fall seasonal… and it was what you would expect, a very nice Oktoberfest inspired ale from Widmer, who makes some very good beer. Apparently they would also like to test our brews when we get them done… so they may be visiting us for dinner & drinks one of these days… or at least I’ll be transporting my homebrew across the bay… either way, it should be fun. They’re a great bunch of ladies.

 

Last week, I watched “Pain & Gain” starring Marky Mark, The Rock, Ed Harris & Tony Shalhoub… directed by the legendary hit-or-miss Michael Bay. The movie is loosely based on the true story about three bodybuilders (Marky, Rock & Anthony Mackie) who want to get rich quick after being inspired by self-help guru Johnny Wu (Ken Jeong). To do so, they kidnap a wealthy prick of a Columbian accountant (Shalhoub) and force him to sign over his possessions to them. What? A loophole about a notary having to be present? Taken care of… as Marky Mark’s boss is a notary… and not a particularly decent one. Problems pop up once they get the money & realize that they’re not really the smartest criminals in the world. It’s an action-comedy that had a few funny moments… but was pretty predictable (except for how badly the police reacted & how they grossly overcompensated afterwards, which is the truest part of the story) and I’d say watch it once if you’re into seeing lots of gun butter on Marky Mark, The Rock & everybody else. By the way… I’m actually kind of hoping that this partnership of Michael Bay & Dwayne Johnson leads to the reboot of a movie classic in a few years… by which I mean… “The Rock” starring… The Rock in the role made famous by Nicolas Cage. I could totally see him doing a nervous chemical weapons supergeek… and absolutely nobody mentioning the fact that he’s built like a double-decker brick sh*thouse. In Sean Connery’s role, Dolph Lundgren… why the hell not? Wishful thinking? Anyway, movie was okay… but not great obviously.

  

Next up was “Movie 43” starring Liev Schrieber, Katie Winslet, Naomi Watts, Hugh Jackman, Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Richard Gere, Emma Stone, Halle Berry, Common & a whole bunch of other famous actors… but it’s basically a few sketches for quick movie pitches courtesy of the Farrelly Brothers. The premise is a writer-director at his wits end (Quaid) pitching movie ideas to a producer (Kinnear) and they’re all pretty f**king crazy… but the meeting is not stopped because the writer pulls out a pistol & basically holds the producer hostage to hear his ideas. Now… the movie’s not bad enough that somebody would have to hold a gun to my head to finish it (obviously) but I can easily see why it wasn’t a commercial success. It’s rated R… and basically all the worst aspects of a Farrelly Brothers flick on overdrive. Spoiler alert: Hugh Jackman literally has balls on his chin… for a good five minutes. You’ve been warned.

 

We also watched a comedy special called “Marc Maron: Thinky Pain” featuring, shockingly enough, comedian Marc Maron. It’s exactly what you would think… neurotic Jewish man rambling about life’s quibbles but he’s among the best & most insightful. I recommend it if you’re looking for a few laughs. That’s really about it. Shot on a stage, before a live studio audience, spoiler alert: No Hugh Jackman with balls on his chin.

 

 

Since it’s the Halloween season, I searched through the Netflix and found a Wes Craven directed nugget that I’ve never seen before called “The People Under the Stairs” starring Ving Rhames and a few people from “Twin Peaks” which Dizzy & I just saw. The story is about a young child living in the projects named Fool (guess the nationality) whose family has fallen on hard times & are about to be evicted ONLY because they can’t pay their bills. Well, the man whose around the house most of the time (Rhames) convinces him that he should help him & his partner rob the landlord’s house in search of a treasure of gold coins. Yup, that’s the plot. The landlords are very secretive & rarely leave the house… so they stake it out… and then one of them poses as a utility worker to gain access… by the way, God save any utility worker that comes to my apartment at any time of the day… because I’ll give you the 3^rd degree while holding a katana that you can see & a gat that you can’t. There’s been a string of those robberies here in the Bay apparently. Anyway, the poser doesn’t come back… so now they have to go in… and they discover their horrible secret… they have a bunch of cannibals in their basement. Now for the review of the movie, I like Wes Craven. His movies are fantastic from a horror psychological perspective… and the “Scream” movies then poke fun at the genre… and he’s branched out into other things as well. This movie obviously is one that’s not referred to as much… but it’s still okay for what it is. Yes, there are some points in the movie where you going to go, “REALLY?” and some major plot holes… and some of the dialogue & noises that the landlord (Everett McGill) makes are laughable… and I still don’t know why he dresses up like a gimp when he’s running around with the shotgun (spoiler alert?) but I’m assuming it’s a prequel to “Pulp Fiction” since Marcellus Wallace (Rhames) is involved. Anyway, I’d say check it out… but it’s not the greatest movie ever. Not even close.

 

This next movie “The Future” was recommended to us a few months ago by one of Dizzy’s friends whose opinion I respect when it comes to movies. It’s an independent film from writer-director-actress Miranda July about a couple in their early thirties (hipsters?) who decide to adopt a stray cat… and basically they haven’t even adopted it yet… and it sends their lives down a self-inflicted rabbit hole of stupidity. They quit their jobs, cut off the internet (not that bad),  do nothing except ATTEMPT to make dance videos for YouTube & have affairs… or sell trees to homeowners in LA… throw in the ability to stop time & space for a minute and the narrations of the stray cat that basically have nothing to do with the story other than IT’S A CAT… and you have this movie.

 

It was pretty hard to watch honestly… and I checked a few of the metacritic scores to see if maybe I was missing something… and the overall score was like 28… and that’s because there were like 3 who rated it between 88 & 91… and I feel like maybe they need to have their critic licenses revoked. What? You don’t need a license to be a critic? SH*T!!! Then why aren’t I on the Hollywood payroll to support the lumps of sh*t that come out of there? I can give some quotes for the posters for the relative cost of my soul… and I’m fairly cheap with it. Heck, you could probably go back through a lot of my reviews of HORRIBLE movies and get a few decent quotes. For example…

 

The Room – “There are FIVE LOVE SCENES” or “It’s so bad that I almost wanted to watch it again…”

 

Freddy Got Fingered - “Maybe it gets better…”

 

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance – “The movie wasn’t absolutely horrible”

 

Troll 2 – “Watch it with your friends!” or “It’s one of those movies that’s so horrible that it’s actually quite amazing in its mere existence”

 

The Core – I basically tore this movie a new one with semi-sarcastic text messages… but still fun to read

 

The Love Guru – “The great Stephen Colbert makes an appearance”

 

Battlefield Earth – “I sucked it up” or “I could go on & on…”

 

Those gems are without even trying… and you can always edit some things like “Watching to movie was about as pleasant as being led to a gas chamber on your birthday” and the edit would just be “A GAS” or something like that. Anyway, look me up Hollywood, I’m cheap & I speaks the English raw. You won’t be disappointed… and I hear there’s a real lineup of crap coming out next year with sequels & prequels & reboots. “Robocop” looks like it could use my help.

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for this entry. Hope you all had a wonderful time… and join us next time when I review Pumpkin Ale… FROM A BOOT!!! Have a great weekend everybody!!! Celebrate Halloween safely!!!

Mysteries of the Mind

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well, today is just going to be a kind of hodge-podge of random things from the past week that I wanted to share but didn’t really fit right in the Oregon posts. There will be dreams… which have become a rarity on this blog of late… but mostly for a few reasons such as:

 

A)      They are unmemorable

B)      I don’t think you’d care in the least

C)      Dizzy can tell you, if it’s just a bunch of random images that I remember… then it’s probably not worth mentioning

D)     A wise man once said that “other people’s dreams are like photographs… if you’re not in them & nobody’s f**king, then who cares?”

 

So on that note… the mind is a funny thing as I’m sure you know. As I get older, I like to think that my mind is still pretty quick & I do certain exercises to keep it limber because… the last thing that I want to be at the age of 32 is a forgetful old man. I have no childhood drama to repress & I played basketball so only a few concussions from church leagues… but nothing like playing football or boxing or something. Sigh… yes, mild dementia, paranoia, delusion & stuff like that is pretty prevalent in my family tree… but again, doing what I can to prevent that. I do pretty good… and I keep notes, etc handy because I know where my short term memory is pretty weak (I blame my job) but there’s only so much you can do to avoid basically turning into Sammy Jankis (“Memento” reference). On that note, I share this story before my dreams…

 

So about a month ago, I was thinking about horrible movies… and how a while back I said that I wanted to watch a bunch of the alleged “WORST MOVIES EVER MADE” to see if they really were that bad. Among the list was “The Room” which has been referred to as “The Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” and was written, directed, produced, starring, catered and just about everything else… by Tommy Wiseau. I mentioned to Dizzy that I wanted to watch it & she said “We already did.” What? “Yeah, back when we were first dating you said you wanted to watch this horrible movie called the Room & we did… and it was stupid & nothing happened… and I think you fell asleep… and there may have been drinking involved… but yeah, we watched it.” Really? I know we’ve seen a number of sh*tty movies but… I’ve at least had images stay with me… and basically she could describe no scenes where it was even like, “Oh yeah… I vaguely remem…” NOTHING! So I was skeptical… and thought “I would’ve blogged about it, right?” I’ll search Tommy Wiseau or #worstmovies or whatever and see a review of how horrible it is. Well, I searched… and the only thing that I could find was that I had mentioned wanting to see it. So did we watch it & I had completely forgotten to even mention it? Was it really so boring that I couldn’t recall one fact about it? Had I deprived my loyal readers a review of this monstrosity due to thirst for life & libation? Was I becoming… Mortal? NO!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! PREPOSTEROUS!!! HOW DARE YOU??? There was only one way to settle this… and that was to watch the movie AGAIN!!! See if it would jog my memory & then I could confirm or deny having seen it before.

 

Well, I watched "The Room" Tuesday night and… Not one scene seemed familiar. Frankly, I don’t see how I could’ve possibly fallen asleep watching this train wreck. So… the story is about this banker named Johnny (Wiseau) who is the “future husband” of Lisa. Apparently Lisa gets bored… so then she seduces his best friend Mark (FYI it’s repeated that he is Johnny’s best friend about a dozen times throughout the movie in case you forget). There’s also a young orphan boy Denny who shows up ALL the time… but Johnny is like a father to him (or something). Anyway, after Lisa & Mark hook up, Lisa talks with her mother & sister about it… only “she doesn’t want to talk about it” and basically… the dialogue is just horrible… like… my niece Kairi could’ve done better. I’m not joking. I think that about 90% of the movie is dubbed (poorly) yet it was all shot in English. I think Tommy Wiseau is French maybe? He puts really weird emPHASis on weird syllABles in every sentence that makes me think it’s not really his first language… and he just kind of rattles it off quickly… and again with the poor dubbing, you think they’d at least get one good take out of a dozen tries or something in the sound room? Lisa’s character is really confusing… because she seems to swing from “Johnny is the greatest & I love him” to “Ugh… I can’t stand being near him” almost in the same sentence. I’d like to cop her out with saying she has a schizoid dual personality or something… but that’d be giving the acting too much credit… and if so, it was done horribly. I also felt like they said “Don’t worry about it” a few dozen times… but I didn’t count. The movie looks like a play where it’s basically people going in & out of only a few locations (hence the name “The Room”?) but there’s also weird scenes where they throw a football around… and wait for it… there are FIVE LOVE SCENES on top of all that… and they seem like they last forever… and they are HORRIBLE!!! I feel like they finished making the movie & because it was poorly spaced & lines were just rattled off & everybody sucked… that it came out to about 45-50 minutes… and so Tommy said in an (I assume) unintelligible French accent “Well, we can basically turn it into a Cinemax late night flick with a bunch of love scenes. What do you think?” and then they shot it anyway & he added them in to get to 90 minutes. Spoiler alert: It’s so bad that I almost want to watch it again… with Dizzy in the room… to see if it’s the same movie that she was thinking of… because it was too horrible to forget… and things do happen. Horrible, horrible things. So maybe I’m not losing my memory? Who knows?

 

Okay… now for the dreams from my Oregon vacation…

 

Dream #1: Okay, it’s been a while since I had a dream to share with you all… so here it goes. Basically, this dream was apparently shot by the cameramen of WWE. It starts out with what appears to be a steroided-out Armie Hammer (“Lone Ranger”) meeting up with WWE President Vince MacMahon in an office setting with cubicles, just kind of running into each other… but Armie is of course shirtless, wearing only boots, speedo & what appears to be a championship belt over his shoulder.

 

Armie says in a semi-pompous tone (think early Triple H days): “Vince! Sorry to spring upon you like this… but I was wondering if you had a chance to consider my proposition?”

Vince: “Oh yes… Look Armie, I’m not sure that I can arrange that match just yet as you’re still new to the…”

Armie interrupts: “Vince, allow me to stop you right there. Don’t the people WANT… to see the best wrestlers?”

Vince: “Well… yes, of course.”

Armie: “And wouldn’t they like to see the best wrestlers… wrestle one another in a championship match?”
Vince: “That’s not the…”

Armie: “Then wouldn’t it be best… if you put ME, Armie Hammer, the handsome, athletic and dare I say… majestic new face of WWE in the ring… against another legend like… Heavyweight champion Shawn Michaels (who may very well be retired and/or dead by now as much as I keep track of wrestling) as soon as possible? I mean… the ratings from the female demographic alone (he says looking into the camera smiling).”

Vince; “You make a good point… but you only have a few fights under your belt and it takes time…”

Armie: “Oh, you mean… this belt (showing off the belt on his shoulder)?”

Vince: “Yes, that belt from the amateur division that you won against Sylvester St…”

Armie: “I don’t have time for to wait around for you to wise up, old man… I have Academy Awards to win. I want that championship match & I want it NOW!”

 

 

Shawn Michaels bursts through a door: “YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, LONE RANGER? COME GET SOME!!!” Then basically there’s a full out brawl with them smashing through cubicles, breaking desks in half with their falls, copiers firing off paper, waste baskets, water buckets & staplers being used as weapons, people fleeing out of the way, some trying to catch the action on their phones… just pure mayhem… and then eventually I wake up. You’re welcome.

 

Dream #2 (possibly Klamath Falls taco truck fueled): Three Old Guys – Apparently I got a sneak preview at the new “Expendables” movie… only the cast is apparently a little different… so maybe it’s Part 4. Anyway, it starts out at the airport. There’s some kid (maybe the guy from “Slumdog Millionaire”? Dev Patel?) and he’s frantically trying to get through the terminal. “Come on you guys… we have to get there quickly!” He stops, turns to look back… and there’s Team Planet Hollywood (Stallone, Schwarzenegger & Bruce Willis) struggling to catch their breath. Bruce says, “Look kid, we have some serious jetlag going here… and I haven’t had any coffee… and this f**king airport is HUGE!!! I think we’ve got a minute to catch our breaths… especially since you still haven’t told us why we’re running.”

 

Dev: “I told you… they have my family & we need to save them. Let’s go! No time! You can catch breath in taxi!” So he goes off again… and the three elders keep up with him for the most part… but let’s face it, they’re in their 60-70’s in this dream. Time catches us all. They go outside and try to hail a taxi but they all speed off… probably because they’re old guys screaming unintelligible things at taxi drivers. Arnie & Sly can’t be understood with their winded speech impediments… and Bruce is yelling while trying to catch his breath so he gets like one word out at a time. “Stop… Taxi… Stop…” The kid is trying to get a taxi too but is almost immediately snagged by a large dude & taken away. Not seeing any of this, Bruce does the bold badass thing and stands in front of a taxi… luckily the driver slams on the brakes. “Thank you! We need a ride!” The cabbie gets out & yells a bit… but Arnie pops up behind him, grabs him, turns him around & yells frantically “YOU GATTU COM DOWN! DEES IS AN EMERGENZY!”

 
 

They pile in, the cabbie starts driving, Bruce looks around… “Where’s the kid?” The other two look around confused… “Guys! Where’s the kid? Where the hell are we going?” Looks out the back window, “Stop the taxi!” Cabbie: “There is no stopping or turning around on this road until the freeway, we’ll have to do a loop if we’re picking up your friend.”

 

Flash to the kid, being thrown down in some sand by the feet of a large dude… slow pan up to… Jason Momoa (new “Conan”, season one of “King of Thrones” & “Bullet to the Head”). “You did a good job. Now those three get to witness everything firsthand.” Dev: “No problem at all… please… let my family go! I’ve done all you asked.” Jason: “You sure did… and for that, you’ll see your family soon enough.” Snaps his fingers and two other dudes grab Dev, pick him up & set him in a tub for gutting & cleaning fish at a beach somewhere. Jason pulls out a wicked knife. Dev: “What are you doing?” Jason: “Reuniting you with your family? I killed them all a while ago… don’t worry, it was quick. I’m humane in my treatment of animals.” (Jason Momoa’s character is apparently pretty racist in my dream… or just has a low value for life… I’m gonna go with the latter). Long story short, side view of screaming Dev split down the middle, little blood for like a second, quick cut to…

 

Bruce back in the cab: “Where the f**k are you going?”

Cabbie: “The highway is closed & this is the detour it’s taking me on into downtown… what do you want me to do?”

Sly: “Ey yo… (indecipherable mumblings that sound like ideas being uttered)”

Bruce: “What the f**k are you saying? It’s amazing that you’ve made it this far when you don’t speak English… AND IT’S YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE!”

Sly: “Ey!”

Bruce: “Ey my ass! You weren’t a real boxer… why the hell is it more people understand Larry Holmes than you?”

Arnie: “Broos… That is very mean auf you to say… we jus need to COM DOWNNN and…”

Bruce: “YOU WERE A GOVERNOR! Probably could’ve been President if you weren’t banging the f**king nanny during your Kindergarten Cop days… and I think your accent has progressively gotten worse. What the f**k?”

 

BOOM!!! Everybody looks outside, Bruce: “Pull over! What the hell was that?” Cabbie: “I can’t stop. We’re in the flow of traffic, let me pull over to the…” Bruce: “Slow down then, I’m getting out… (opens the door)” Cabbie: “My friend, don’t…” Bruce hops out of the taxi going about 20 MPH and instead of being all smooth like in “RED”, he basically just rolls in a very unbadass way and lies in a heap when the other get out of the taxi when it stops. Arnie & Sly come to his aid & help him up… Bruce: “Don’t touch me… ooooooh God… I’m pretty f**ked up… oooooh I need some serious medical attention… ooooooh that was really f**king stupid…”

 

Apparently the noise was a large explosion down the street… there’s random gunfire echoing off the buildings… they look around and it’s basically a pan-around vertical shot of them watching these building on fire, crazy stuff in the streets… and then a helicopter is flying in… but then basically looses control & crashes about a block away from them… Bruce: “Holy sh*t… it’s Armageddon…” and that’s about the time I wake up. Sorry, wish I had more… again, you’re welcome.

 

Well, that’ll wrap it up for this entry. There are some things that I have planned for this weekend but… I forget what they are. Nyuk nyuk nyuk… see what I did there? With the… post about memory loss and… then I said… forget it. There’s a birthday party in Sacramento that I may be going to… and I’m sure other things. Hope that you all have a great weekend as well!!! Peace!!! By the way... I know my dreams were a little dude-centric this entry so don't even start with all that...

Tapes or DVDs?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I hope that you all enjoyed (what you could see) of my first issue storyboard of “RoboPanda vs Zombie Dinosaurs” and don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll all be HUGE fans by the time that the real drawings come through… and I’m thinking that by Christmas 2015 your children will be BEGGING for the new array of toys, videos & bedding sets… but please keep in mind that you can’t put a price on your children’s happiness… and the proceeds go to a worthwhile cause… my retirement fund. Thank you! From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Anyway, back in the present, spent most of the weekend not being sick… but not really exerting myself because the flu is going around & I wasn’t feeling it Friday night after work… which is really disappointing because I missed out on a party for some coworkers that are moving on to other careers. I really wanted to wish them well… but also didn’t want to get anybody sick. Congratulations you two!!! Other than that, I spent the weekend with Dizzy watching football, ironing out details for the comic book, planning the menu for Bacon Day: Part Deux next weekend & just enjoying each other. We also met up with some of her work friends for some drinks at Chevy’s to celebrate a 25^th birthday. Good times were had. I’m sure that all interests you… but I also watched some movies… so here are some reviews.

As you know, I have a soft spot for bad movies. I enjoy watching them sometimes… and I’m always curious about movies that critics completely pan even before seeing them (including myself). So Thursday night, I was going through the movie channels the last few days that I’m going to have TV… and I stumbled upon “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” starring Nicolas Cage. It’s the sequel to the Marvel Comics adaptation of “Ghost Rider” and you may recall it from an early Nicolas Cage update that it had so much going for it in the way of bad movies.

1) It was the sequel to a not-so-good original movie

2) Nicolas Cage desperately needs money… and his recent choices in acting gigs has confirmed it

3) Directed by the team Nevaldine & Taylor who brought you the likes of “Jonah Hex” & both “Crank” movies

4) Originally, the storyline was going to be Ghost Rider vs. Dracula… but that changed

5) Christopher Lambert (“Highlander”) made a cameo

The story goes that there is a mother & child being pursued by the Devil (Ciaran Hinds) and his henchmen (AJ from “Empire Records” no joke) and only the Rider (Cage) can protect them. Why are they being pursued? Well, as he put it in the movie “You’re the Devil’s baby mama…” and the story kinda goes from there. There are a LOT of scenes were it’s a mix of CGI transformations, Nic’s bad end of the “crazy-conflicted” spectrum & the usual death metal score that you get from the Nevaldine-Taylor combo. Now, based on the source material, the movie wasn’t absolutely horrible. The Ghost Rider story is very difficult to tell without a whole lot of CGI & questionable motivation and character development (see “Spawn”) but I wouldn’t really recommend this movie to anybody. Sorry Nic. I wish that I could help with your financial woes… but hey, maybe when RoboPanda takes off I can get you a gig as a voiceover to help.

Next up was the Syfy Channel’s “12 Disasters of Christmas” which stars… well, nobody. I think some of them were on WB series but… yeah, I didn’t really recognize anybody. Anyway, it’s set in small town Oregon I think… and there’s a family (conveniently named Joe, Mary, Peter & Jacey… yes, the daughter is Jacey as in JC, wait for it). There are some strange occurrences going on with birds dying, the water turning red, unusually warm weather, and then giant icicles falling from the sky & impaling people in the streets. Global warming? Possibly… no wait, WRONG! It’s the Mayan Prophecy coming true! By the way, did you know that the Mayans invented the song “12 Days of Christmas” and passed it along through the generations & all kinds of languages as a WARNING of the 12 disasters that would destroy the world? Oh it’s documented… the crazy old guy Frank had a whole wall chart made up connecting it… and there is a lineage of protectors that are direct descendants of Mayans (though now some of the whitest people you’ve ever seen thanks to cross-breeding) and they have to find five golden rings that will help save the world (or at least this small town in Oregon) from destruction by Mother Nature. I assume by calling forth Captain Planet and his magical mullet… but I don’t want to give away the surprise ending. Like most Syfy movies, it’s pretty horrible… but if you’re watching in a group, it’s descent to make fun of. Otherwise, forget that it even exists. Big thanks to The Soup for letting me know of this show’s existence.

Saturday night was actually a surprise. Dizzy & I watched “VHS” which is about a group of misfits who videotape their shenanigans (and crimes) to sell to voyeurs in that black market. Well, one of them hires them to break into a house to steal a particular video from the owners… but when they get to the house, there’s a bunch of them, so they have to cycles through them to find the right one… and what they find is a bunch of twisted sh*t. That’s the story… and basically, the movie is a collection of six horror movie concepts by various directors in the “found footage” genre that really would have been a MAJOR stretch for their own full-length feature… so they combine their 15-20 minute shorts into one film. What I was surprised about this movie… is how genuinely creepy some of them were on a shoe string budget. I was expecting it to be pretty cheesy… and I’ll admit, some of the acting was very questionable… but each story had it’s own redeeming quality & were very interesting ideas… except maybe the main story, but even that had it’s moments were it could’ve worked really well. Anyway, without giving too much away, I would say to check it out & judge for yourself. As a horror fan, I give it two thumbs up… and be warned, there is some gore… but overall, it’s a very decent flick. Check it out! It’s on Netflix!

Lastly was a documentary entitled “Jiro Dreams of Sushi” about Jiro, the world’s premiere 3-Michelin star sushi chef who has been doing the job that he loves for over 70 years. The camera crew follows him through his daily routine, other chefs at his restaurant, his family, his friends, food critics, etc. & paints a portrait of this intriguing man. To boil it down, Jiro is a perfectionist who loves sushi. Every waking moment he’s honing his skills to make perfect sushi… and as the title would imply, even during his non-waking moments, he’s dreaming of it. He accepts nothing but the best in every stage of preparation. He only buys fish from masters of their respective crafts (tuna, shrimp, octopus, etc). His chefs are meticulously trained for decades before he’ll allow them to prepare sushi for his guests (a ten-seat restaurant). Even his sons have been learning from him for over 40 years (youngest went off to start his own sushi restaurant & oldest is waiting for Jiro to retire to take head spot). Is it the borderline-obsessive goal of his entire life? Yeah, pretty much… but you be the judge. The man loves what he does. He’s focused on becoming the master of his craft & to push it to the next level… every day… for over 70 years. Some may say it’s crazy. Perhaps those people are not perfectionists & have not found the Passion that he has. I’d recommend checking out this documentary. It’s very interesting… but be warned… you’ll want to go have sushi during & afterwards… so you may want to watch on a full stomach.

It may also make you wonder about your own situation. For example, I’ve been in an industry for over 12 years now. I’ve essentially mastered my specific craft (hence why I can do so many jobs for the pay of one) but have I been “pushing” the craft forward? There have been instances where I’ll see procedures & improve upon them… share ideas with my colleagues with different sets of circumstances for their office… but am I constantly looking forward at the next step? Or have I grown complacent with my position because it’s easier than looking on to the next step, which would require sacrifices? Is this what I want to do for 70+ years (shiver) or until retirement age anyway? Is it my Passion? Is the fact that I’m even asking these questions convincing proof that it is not? Is there something different out there for me? That I would be more passionate about? Or am I just too level headed to put my all into something & widen my range of talents to be a Jack of all trades kind of person?

The saying goes that if you Love what you do, then you’ll never work a day in your life… or something like that… and there’s a few ways of looking at it. Does that mean that you have to find something that you Love to do? Or is it just on you to Love whatever it is that you’re doing? In either case, I guess the saying still holds true… but let’s face it, most of us would probably find it easier to Love being a movie star than a coal miner. Or I guess in a real world sense, let’s say you enjoy being physically fit… and your current job as a construction worker helps you to do that (as long as you don’t get a hernia). Do you just learn to Love being a construction worker? Study in the evenings & work your way to foreman & push your craft? Or do you study to become a personal trainer so you get that same benefit that you’re looking for, but it’s more recreational & you’re basically the master of your own unique craft?

Now, I’m sure you know by now that I tend to think too much for my own good & ramble incessantly… and of course not everybody’s priorities are the same. Some are focused on raising their children, making money any way possible, just getting by & getting high, cross things off their bucket list, seeing the world, continuing the family legacy, whatever it may be… not becoming yokozuna or a legend of the wood carving community or any other master of their given craft… and that’s perfectly fine. However, I do feel that life needs a little direction with goals to continue to grow & thrive. With that being said, that’s another reason why I’m REALLY excited about this new venture with this comic. I’m not an expert by any means… I’ve read a few back in my childhood… I’ve seen a lot of TV shows & movies… read about other people’s characters basically… but I’m not an artist. I have no official training in storyboarding, plotting, structure, or really ANYTHING related to drawing. Yeah, I won a few Reflections contests back in 2^nd & 3^rd grade… but yeah, that was drawing dinosaurs & weird alien creatures… in the 3^rd grade. So how is this going to work? I’m going to research, study, practice, calibrate, collaborate, peat, re-research, re-study, re-practice, re-calibrate & collaborate some more… and of course, repeat. Am I going to have all the skills? Probably not… but if I surround myself in the right people, use what I’ve learned, along with my own ingenuity & spin on things, then I’ll probably be off to a good start. Anyway, that’s the plan… for now. It’ll definitely change… but I can keep you posted…

I’ll also try to figure out how to get REAL pictures on Blogger again. Apparently the “new & improved” version really isn’t improved… but I’m sure it works for them. Have a great day everybody!!!

LET'S go RAIders!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s been a busy few weeks… but it’s leading up to the Utah vacation… and of course, Bacon Day before that. By the way, apparently the Academy of Science has read my posts and is trying to steal my thunder mere days before my event… but I called dibs, b**ches! That’s why my event is going to be even grander… just without dinosaur bones & bio-domes. Let’s see what’s been happening…

I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my job… and frankly, I don’t wanna talk about it… but it’s been taking up a long of my day as you might expect. In the evenings, we had a test run on Bacon Day last Tuesday and sampled five of the features… bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers (cheddar filled), bacon wrapped red pepper & garlic sausages, BLT, bacon grilled cheese… and a small version of… DA BOMB!!! Basically it’s Italian sausage mixed with cheddar, chives & various other ingredients, weaved in bacon strips, covered in a BBQ rub & BBQ sauce, slow cooked over a few hours… and then covered in sauce again… BEHOLD!!!

All were delicious and fantastic… and most other nights was catching up on TV and playing the video game that my brother sent me “Assassin’s Creed Revelations” which is the latest in the AC series, this time set in Constantinople (pre-Istanbul) around 1510 AD or so. I REALLY enjoy the series… and anxiously await AC3 coming this Halloween set in the American Colonies circa 1775. Anyway, for those who may have not played these games before… the story is modern day people are using a machine that can relive an individual’s ancestral memories in a virtual reality environment. So like if you went back a few generations, you could theoretically live out your great-great-grandpa banging your great-great-grandma… but when they were both teenagers. Obviously that’s not the use they put it to into this game, rather they go back into the memories of a bartender, whose lineage includes assassins back to the time of the Crusades (original game) and they’ve been trying to find answers to the location of some powerful objects that could shape the fate of the world. So that’s the story… as for the gameplay, it’s pretty amazing with how your character can jump and move about the city environments… and the detail of the environments if really good too. It’s kind of one of those things that you’d have to play to understand (or I’m just a sh**ty writer) but I highly recommend it.

Over the weekend, I hung out with Dizzy… and get this, my ladyfriend had one goal this weekend… and that was to watch “Showgirls” with her gentlemanfriend. How many guys out there can say that? Allow me to elaborate before you inquire about my ladyfriend having a penis. You may or may not know this… but Dizzy is a HUGE fan of comedian Adam Carolla (again, she doesn’t have a penis, I’ve checked extensively) that you may remember from “The Man Show”, “Drawn Together”, “Family Guy” or maybe the world’s most successful podcast. Well, he has this thing that he does called “Basic Cable Commentary” where he & a few guest comedians watch movies that they saw on basic cable (others include “The Karate Kid Part 3” & “Road House”) and basically watch them with the microphones on… and have hilarious comments. Basically it’s like watching bad movies with your buddies… if your buddies also happened to be millionaire celebrities with fixations for classic cars. Anyway, one of these commentaries was for the classic horrible movie “Showgirls” starring Elizabeth Berkeley & Kyle McLachlan… and the commentary featured Adam and comedian Dana Gould portrayal of PBS legend Hule Howser (if you don’t know how that is… google him, he’s the host of “California’s Gold”). Ergo, she wanted to watch it with me… and Adam… and Hule. Good times were had… and I had almost forgotten how horrible a movie it really is… especially the last ten minutes. By the way, you may be privy to a similar concept of commentary one day when I watch bad movies with the roommates… or maybe another entry in my live football commentary… you’ve been warned.

Saturday, after a breakfast of donuts, we headed to Oakland Coliseum (aka O.co Coliseum… or as I prefer, the Big O) to see the Oakland football Raiders host the Detroit “Why is you” Lions in a preseason showdown of biblical importance (to atheists). Thanks to StubHub we got some pretty fantastic tickets on the 10^th row right behind the Lions bench for about $20 a pop… and with the Lions being Dizzy’s favorite team (you thought I was a glutton for punishment with the Eagles) we had a pretty good time… and the game was even pretty decent. Interesting little tidbits of the game: The only Pro Bowlers on the Raiders for the past decade or so have been their kickers & they’ve been hands down the best in the league. However, punter Shane Lechler is… I don’t know… 54 years old now? And I think that Polish sports icon Sebastian Janikowski’s heavy drinking may finally be catching up with him because he missed a fairly easy kick in the first quarter… almost making him look mortal. Then they brought out this new kid Carmona who just before the half hit a 58 yarder from the dirt of the 2^nd base line (still baseball season so the dirt was out) so that reign of supreme kickers may not be coming to a close quite yet… and that’s a good thing because aside from backup quarterback / disgraced Ohio State alum Terrell Pryor having a few big runs in the second half, there wasn’t a whole lot to get excited about… but then again, it’s the preseason… and beer helps with excitement. WOOOO!!!

After the game, we had some pizza at Albany Pizza Company (decent pizza & giant slices and a soda for $5) then watched “Hidalgo” starring Viggo Mortensen. Now, this was one of my dad’s favorite movies… and he watched it a lot when I had first moved out into my first lone wolf apartment a few years back… but I had never sat down & watched it with him. It was actually pretty good. From director Joe Johnston (specializes in period action pieces like “The Rocketeer”, “Captain America” & “Wolfman”) comes the true story of a man (Mortenson) who joins Buffalo Bill Cody’s wild west show after the destruction of his mother’s Sioux tribe… and is basically in a bad place… but with a good horse named Hidalgo & apparently he can ride with the best of them and has never lost a long-distance race. Well, an Arab noble graces one of these shows… and basically says American horses are sh*t & can never ride with Arabians… which I’m no horse expert, but may very well be true. It might be like the Saudi Arabian national basketball team going against any average American high school team for all I know, but in reverse. Regardless, it’s the setting for an underdog story… so they go to this 3000-mile, two-month long race across the barren asscrack of the world known as the Arabian desert… and you throw in a few plot twists, Bob’s your uncle, and you’ve got yourself a flick. I liked it. Check it out if you want.

Fun fact: We were at the local video store picking out a few selections for the weekend… and I wanted to share the delight of the wonderful comedy “Hamlet 2” that I’ve shared with you repeatedly. Now… I couldn’t find it in the comedy section, which you know, maybe they just didn’t have it because it wasn’t really advertised much & probably grossed enough to cover Elizabeth Shue’s nurse outfit. So Dizzy asked the checkout guy… and it was in… wait for it… The William Shakespeare section. Yes ladies & gentlemen… Hamlet 2… which has an entire act of the movie entitled “Hope is a Demon Bitch” was located right between the original Hamlet & Midsummer Night’s Dream. I thought it was hilarious. Wanna know what else was hilarious?

Something titled “Midgets vs. Mascots” has laughs written all over it just as a concept. Well, this movie is basically what you would expect… starring the likes of the late great Gary Coleman and he’s referred to as “The Shaquille O’Neal of Little People” so that should tell you right there it’s pretty good. Basically it’s a mockumentary about a deceased millionaire named Big Red and during the reading of his will, his money is to be distributed through a competition of his fellow little people… versus his fellow mascots… coached by his bratty douche son & gold digger wife… oh and did I mention that Big Red was a midget mascot? Surprise! Anyway, it goes from there… and yeah, just check it out if you can find it. Ron Jeremy is in it… and he’s never starred in anything that sucked… well, that sucked the bad way. HEDGEHOG!!!

Anyway, that’s pretty much it. Bacon Day is this Saturday… and pictures will be forthcoming… along with the family reunion in Utah immediately after. So yeah… have a great weekend everybody!!! Deuces!

Disneyland with Kids

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Been catching up since my five days away in beautiful Southern California… and now you get blessed with pictures of my adventures. Thursday at work was busy… but the drive to Anaheim was pretty quick & uneventful. I made the drive in just under six hours, stopping for gas once & basically eating a bag of bbq pork jerky in about an hour. I really don’t eat healthy on vacations. That night, my brother & I had our own room at the hotel so we watched a little TV and caught up on this & that before I called it a night.

Friday was Day One of Disneyland! We woke up, met up with my mom, stepdad, niece Kairi & nephew Vinny… and went through the park. I’ve been to Disneyland a few times in my life… and it’s always pretty fun… but this time was REALLY fun because I got to hang with my niece & nephew… and everything is just so magical through their eyes that you get sucked up into it too. When they went off for their naps, my brother & I would go on the big kid rides but yeah, it was just the usual good times at Disneyland. Here are some pictures…

Saturday & Sunday it warmed up a little bit… but we still managed to have fun, just got exhausted. Saturday we had lunch with the princesses at Ariel’s Grotto (not quite as hot as it sounds… but not bad for G-rated). Basically you have lunch and the Disney princesses go from table to table to take pictures with the kids… and of course, Princess Kairi was so excited that she wasn’t really eating… just staring in amazement at all the princesses. She would whisper “Uncle $teve. There’s Aurora!” “Who?” “Aurora.” “Oh, Sleeping Beauty… very nice… hey, eat your spaghetti sweetie. Wait until she comes over here.” Anyway, good times… and the kids had a LOT of fun. More pictures…

Sunday night after day three in Disneyland, we headed to Newport Coast (from my 29th birthday road trip) and set up shop at the hotel there for the next few days. This time, the kids & I shared a room and we did a few activities at the hotel like tie dye shirts, making play-do, etc but we also went to the beach so that they could play in the water & I took them tide pool searching. Even found a few couple really nice sea shells for them to take home (bigger than I ever found without ‘em, thanks King Triton!!!). Alas, more pictures…

Tuesday, I said my good byes around 2:30 as I wanted to start heading back before rush hour. Heck, I was missing those guys before I made it out of the parking lot… but a playa’s gotta do what a playa’s gotta do. Besides, I’m sure I’ll see them again shortly. Especially since anytime they really want to see their Uncle $teve, they have a PS3 at dad’s AND grandma’s that they can talk to me on. Good times!

Wednesday was a busy catch-up day at work… but in the evening, I met up with Dizzy & Batgirl (see below for her new Lego Batcave by the way) and we watched a few episodes of “Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future” and then followed it up with the promised “TROLL 2”!!! So… I’ve already built it up with how bad it is… and it’s all that & more… but let me drop the plot for you real quick. A family goes on a little month-long house swap vacation to enjoy the country in the city of Nilbog (Heber, Utah apparently). Oh… and the little boy has visions of his dead grandpa. Did I forget that? Because it’s kind of important. Anyway, strange things start happening… and the ghost of his grandpa tells him about these evil goblins (not trolls) and that they’re all in danger. Then people start disappearing & blah blah blah… ok, so I REALLY don’t want to spoil this movie for you… and I simply INSIST that you go see it for yourself. It’s one of those movies that’s so horrible that it’s actually quite amazing in its mere existence… you know, like “Plan 9 from Outer Space” or “Astro Zombies” or something like that. Watch it with your friends! Then you’ll have amazing inside jokes to tell one another about pissing on hospitality, all the modern conveniences, goblin jiz… and my personal favorite… CORN-GASM!!! Please… just watch the show. You’ll thank me for it.

Anyway, that should do it for today. Hope that you all enjoyed the pictures… and sorry I’ve been a little busy to keep you posted on my adventures… but I’ll get the hang of it eventually… hopefully. Have a great day everybody!!!