Saturday, December 3, 2011

Watching Football with $teve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As mentioned in a previous post, I thought I'd share with you a few hours on a typical Sunday afternoon watching football with the great $teve... and from time to time his superhot roommates. Anyway, hope you enjoy...

NFL Football Log - Sunday, November 27, 2011

11:00 AM - I started the NFL Red Zone Channel around 11 AM because I was doing yardwork... but my backyard is now somewhat presentable. Not completely done... but not going to put fine touches on until winter's over. Besides, it's easily to just let the weeds die out from exhaustion than to pull them. Take that you thorny f**kers!!! Anyway, these are just thoughts that I had watching the games for a few hours... a few fun facts from my years of being a nerd... and there are a few topics that I'll throw in for your own reflections or discussions with loved ones. Enjoy!

11:00 AM - Jared Allen is a backup long snapper? Damn! That's a lot of money to pay for a backup special teams guy...

11:04 AM - Houston Texans has the best play action in the league as Leinart throws a TD to Drucker. Why do I mention it? Commentator says that Kurt Warner calls it the "best naked game" in the NFL.

11:04 AM - Broncos QB Tim Tebow is Kurt Warner without the hype? Think about it. They both had unexpected success with their teams & great starts to their careers... with pretty firm Christian values. But Tim Tebow is one of the most heralded college quarterbacks of all time... while a few weeks before Kurt Warner hit the scene, he was bagging f**king groceries in Iowa. Think about it.

11:06 AM - Why do so many cornerbacks have big ass dreadlocks? Is it because they're all under six-foot and going up against guys with 6 inches on them... so they think their hairstyle will help? Or just to cover up their name so that we don't see that they get burned? Discuss.

11:10 AM - Best strategy for Jets to win right now: Get it out of Sanchez's hands? Run, run, run, interception.

11:12 AM - Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick: Does he dress as a Leprauchaun for Halloween every year or just most years? Discuss.

11:12 AM - Colts winning? Or lose on purpose? They already have a two game lead on the Luck Sweepstakes & they're playing the Panthers. They've got a lead right now... but that's why they play the game.

11:12 AM - Fun fact: Two players on the Colts were on the 0-16 Detroit Lions team from a few years ago. Former pro bowl caliber linebacker Ernie Sims... and a record holding for horribleness quarterback by the name of Dan Orlovksy.

11:12 AM - As my roommates have said, Colts quarterback Curtis Painter has the prettiest hair in professional football.

11:12 AM - Fun fact: If Curtis Painter doesn't win today, he's probably going to be bench for the afforementioned Dan Orlovksy... which is unfortunate because he was raised in Indiana, played college ball at Purdue (in Indiana if you don't know) & was Peyton Manning's backup forever... and could be Andrew Luck's backup forever more. Sounds like a dream to me...

11:13 AM - Did Stevie Johnson just shoot himself in the leg for an endzone dance? Sigh... does he really think that's going to bother Plaxico? That guy's been to jail. Though I admire the hilarity of it... you're just being an ass for no reason... and I like you Stevie. Stop it!

11:14 AM - Injured Colts TE Dallas Clark on sidelines talking with NASCAR champion Tony Stewart. Still think NASCAR's a real sport? Just look at Tony lean back when he has to look at Dallas in the eyes... and then remember that Dallas is considered an "undersized" tight end. I rest my case.

11:15 AM - Kicker celebrations... really? Discuss.

11:15 AM - Fun fact: YouTube "Bill Gramatica celebration" after discussing previous point

11:15 AM - Mom called to discuss Christmas... I miss her terribly sometimes

11:31 AM - Cleveland Browns are leading the Cincinnatti Bengals. Will it last? Probably not.

11:31 AM - Fun fact: Injured Browns RB / Madden Curse victim Peyton Hillis was the THIRD string RB in college at Arkansas... behind current Raiders RB Darren McFadden & Cowboys RB Felix Jones.

11:32 AM - Announcers just confirmed that Stevie Johnson was mocking Plaxico... twenty minutes later... as Plaxico scored a go-ahead touchdown on the subsequent drive. Smooth move, ex-lax...

11:37 AM - Everytime that I see Rams QB Sam Bradford this year, I know that something horrible is about to happen for the Rams.

11:42 AM - How did the Arizona Cardinals beat the Eagles? The Rams are just as bad... but one of these teams has to win the game. God forbid it should go to overtime and be settled by a rookie's punt return for a touchdown again. They're both just so horrible.

11:42 AM - Fun fact: As horrible as they are, they could still beat the Eagles. WTF?

11:45 AM - Arizona lineman's last name... Hadnot. Bet that guy has now...

11:45 AM - Who the f**k is TJ Yates? Answer: He's the guy taking over at Texans QB for Matt Leinart. That was a quick comeback...

11:47 AM - GASP! Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick alleged called his 6'5" 330 pound center "fat" in an interview. It must be tough filling an entire football game with meaningless banter...

11:50 AM - Texans RB Chris Johnson finally got a nice fat contract... and has sucked all year. He seems to be doing okay today though. FINALLY!!!

11:51 AM - Pouha is fun to say "Poo-HA!!!"

11:51 AM - Whenever somebody mentioned injured Bills RB Fred Jackson... I feel compelled to sing he & his teammates' names like I'm Jamie Foxx on "Slow Jamz" for some reason... "Freddie Jaack-sonnnn... Stevie John-sonnnn... "

11:53 AM - I've seen three fumbles in the past 35 seconds on the Red Zone Channel... and Vikings RB Adrian Peterson isn't even playing. I'm perplexed.

11:55 AM - Just realized with that thought... that they haven't mentioned the Vikings / Falcons game in over an hour on this channel. It must REALLY be boring...

11:55 AM - YEESH!!! Just say a fat guy roll on a teammate's leg (Browns game)

11:56 AM - HEY!!! Vikings / Falcons are near the red zone...

11:57 AM - Bucs DB Aqib Talib just returned an interception for a TD... and then did this dance that I've seen a LOT over the past few weeks where... I don't know if they're eating a bowl of cereal (Wheaties?) or rolling an old video camera or what. What are they doing?

11:58 AM - We have a Jeremy Shockey sighting! He's now playing for the Carolina Panthers... and he just fumbled.

11:58 AM - While in Vegas last week, Jackie D & I used the term "Garcon!" to a point of severe irritance to people if they would've heard our drunk asses. Why do I mention it... because Colts WR Pierre Garcon just caught a pass.

11:58 AM - Fun fact: Garcon means boy. Discuss.

12:00 PM - The Colts have linemen with the last names of Saturday & Diem (Latin for "Day"). All they need to do is work out some trades to get guys with last names like Geburtstag, Tuesday & Christmas to make the greatest offensive line EVER!!! And yes... Mr. Tuesday's nickname would be "Fat" and he would be celebrated for WEEKS in New Orleans every year... with parades.

12:04 PM - Titans lineman Eugene Amano just caught a deflected pass

12:04 AM - Big guys running with the football & fat guy endzone dances are both rare & awesome. Discuss.

12:06 PM - Browns QB Colt McCoy was a four-year starting QB at the University of Texas... and he also has the most absolutely perfect name for a gunslinging QB from Texas - Colt McCoy. Go ahead & TRY to think of one better. "Tex... Holliday?" That may be the only possible competition.

12:07 PM - So... remember earlier when I said that horrible Rams / Cardinals game might end on a rookie's punt return again is a totally sarcastic manner? Sigh... apparently I'm the Nostradamus of sh*tty football because the same guy (Patrick Peterson) JUST did it again. He has four return TDs on the year now.

12:07 PM - Is Cardinals DB Patrick Peterson the next Devin Hester? Discuss.

12:08 PM - Quarterback slides. Discuss.

12:08 PM - Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick just got a touchdown with a deflected pass. Luck of the Irish?

12:09 PM - Bucs RB LaGarrette Blount is a BEAST!!! He's bursting through the line, hurdled a DB earlier in the game... oh... and now he just fumbled. Just when I was about to forget completely about him punching that Boise State player after their game back in college a few years back.

12:12 PM - Speaking of Boise State, rookie WR Austin Pettis just had a nice catch

12:12 PM - Speaking of BEASTS, former U of U / current Panthers WR STEVE SMITH IS (when healthy & motivated)!!!

12:13 PM - Another Jeremy Shockey sighting, he just had a nice catch... and then... did he just go Three Stooges? "Woowowowowwowowo..."

12:14 PM - A few Bengals receivers just made some nice plays and were pointing to the names on the back of their jerseys. Don't they know that it's about the name on the front of the jersey? It's a team sport. Also, don't they know that half of their team has been in a jail cell on more than one occasion? That's not cool.

12:18 PM - Bengals redheaded rookie QB Andy Dalton allegedly doesn't care for the nickname "The Red Rifle". Too f**king bad, because it's probably going to stick whether he likes it or not. I just say embrace it, rookie.

12:22 PM - The Vikings just threw a TD pass to WR Percy Harvin on 4th & 13 - That takes two things to happen: A feeling of nothing to lose... and BALLS!!!

12:24 PM - Are the Colts packing it in for the season? Discuss.

12:25 PM - Right on queue, Colts WR Reggie Wayne makes me look like a foolish a-hole with a great TD play

12:27 PM - The Browns / Bengals game now has NINE turnovers... and it's far from over...

12:28 PM - Every time that I see Titans K Scott Bironas line up for a field goal... my only thought isn't that he holds the NFL record with 8 field goals in a single game... but rather "M-m-m-myyyy Bironas!!!" to the tune of "My Sharona". There may be something wrong with me.

12:30 PM - Is there anything better than a kicker or punter actually making a tackle? Colts P McAfee just did. Discuss.

12:31 PM - Deuce break (meaning I went #2)

12:37 PM - Jackie D just text me about pictures from our Vegas adventure

12:40 PM - Falcons TE Tony Gonzalez is AMAZING!!! I know I've mentioned it before... but seriously...

12:40 PM - OMG!!! Rams QB Sam Bradford just got a TD!!! He did something that wasn't horrible!!!

12:47 PM - Cardinals RB Chris "Beanie" Wells just went over 200 yards? Really? Oh... he is playing the Rams...

12:48 PM - The Colts might actually win? They're down by 4 with 1:12 left

12:48 PM - This channel is chaotic when almost all the games are close with 2-4 minutes remaining...

12:49 PM - Damian Williams just a TD... and is doing that cereal / film rolling dance. What does it mean? Or is he just mocking Aqib Talib?

12:50 PM - Oh... right on queue, the Colts just threw an interception in the end zone (rather nice play by the Panthers though). They're still winless. Now the real question... will Dan Orlovsky come in and finish out the perfectly horrible season?

12:54 PM - Plaxico just made a nice one-handed catch. Oh... and Sanchez just threw his 4th TD pass of the day making my earlier statement look rather foolish. In my defense though, he was f**king up pretty bad earlier.

1:00 PM - Titans RB Chris Johnson just finished with 190 rushing yards. By far his best performance since his big contract signing.

1:01 PM - Bills WR Stevie Johnson just dropped a wide open TD pass. Karma's a f**king b**ch sometimes, ain't she?

1:02 PM - WHOA!!! Ryan Fitzpatrick just PLOWED that guy to get out of bounds to stop the clock. Good for him!

1:03 PM - Bad snap, Browns K Phil Dawson just missed a go-ahead 55 yarder for the Browns. Wah-waaaah...

1:05 PM - That was quick! Bengals WR AJ Green just got them down to the 2 yard line after the missed field goal.

1:07 PM - The Karmic circle is complete! The Bills just lost on an incomplete pass as time expires.

1:09 PM - Benglas K Mike Nugent just kicked the game-winning FG for the Bengals.

1:12 PM - Raiders K Sebastian Janikowski is one of my favorite players. Why? I remember him at Florida State... and he would make some serious tackles. He also has the body of a professional bowler, but can kick the piss out of football. Maybe that's why the late great Raiders owner Al Davis took a kicker in the first round for the first time since... well, ever? He's been in a few barfights... and I'm pretty sure that the other guy looked worse afterwards. However, I also see him as the kind of guy that seems like he's chugging beer on the sidelines and would kick a 50-yarder with a smoke in his mouth. I just like the guy.

1:12 PM - Raiders K Sebastian Janikowski & P Shane Lechler are the best pair of kickers on any team in NFL history. Argue... if you dare get in a discussion about kickers.

1:16 PM - QB Vince Young is starting for the Eagles. Just thought I should mention it...

1:16 PM - The announcer just used the terms "Tebowmania" & "Tebow-tastic" and I'm a huge fan... but it's just not necessary

1:17 PM - Also unnecessary, the San Diego Chargers' baby blue uniforms. Come on now...

1:19 PM - WOOOO!!! Vince Young just threw a bomb to WR Riley Cooper!!!

1:19 PM - Fun fact: WR Riley Cooper was Tim Tebow's college roommate at the University of Florida.

1:20 PM - RB LeSean McCoy just scored a TD! Fun fact: The Eagles have won 5 of their last 7 against the Patriots.

1:21 PM - TE Fred Davis just got a TD... and then did the cereal / film rolling thing. Seriously, what the f**k does it mean? Whatever happened to Tebowing?

1:22 PM - Chargers K Nick Novak just hit a career long 53 yard FG. Yay for kickers!

1:23 PM - F**K YOU, TOM BRADY!!! I don't hate the guy... and he hasn't even done anything to me personally yet... I just feel like it has to be said. Why does he get to be so f**king perfect? The only bad thing that I can say is that he left actress Bridget Moynahan ("The Recruit" & "I, Robot") when she was pregnant... but even then, he left for f**king Gisele Bundchen... and they have kids now... and he still seems like a great guy. F**K YOU, TOM BRADY!!!

1:24 PM - Patriots RB Benjarvis Green-Ellis - He has four names in my opinion...

1:27 PM - Surprise, surprise! It looks gloomy as hell in Seattle...

1:30 PM - Vince Young is 3-for-4 passing for 124 yards & a TD so far. Note to self: Check back later in the game to see how he's done since this moment.

1:37 PM - Announcer just said that "(Seahawks) have to burn one!" He's talking about a timeout... but you know what I'm saying...

1:42 PM - Patriots WR Wes Welker is so small that he should be an Eagles WR

1:43 PM - "Benjarvis Green-Ellis is a heavy runner" - Explanation given to that statement moments later: Though he's only 215 pounds, he hits with a "thud"... as opposed to a bonk or sparkle?

1:51 PM - Bears QB Caleb Hanie is making his 1st NFL start. So far in 8 pass attempts, he has three completions to the Bears... and two to the Raiders. Not good.

1:54 PM - Why not have out-of-work WR play as DBs? They're about six inches taller, right? Or is that just a though shared by only myself & Patriots coach Bill Belicheck? Discuss.

2:00 PM - WR Deion Branch just embarassed the Eagles secondary

2:06 PM - Why are the Oakland Raiders ALWAYS the most penalized team? Discuss.

2:12 PM - Seattle DB Sherman just did a Dikembe Mutombo finger wag... and for some reason, that irks me a little.

2:14 PM - I just heard that Broncos QB Tim Tebow has yet to complete a pass (0-for-4)

2:14 PM - Laundry break - Public Service Announcement to my roommates (and possibly most women of this generation): Please clean out the lint trap on the dryer. It's not that I don't mind doing it... but it's so that, for example, if I'm gone for a few weeks on vacation, or forget to one time, the motor won't overheat or the lint won't catch on fire & burn the apartment down. I know it's a long shot... but it happens... and I want you to be safe out there. Besides, it's a f**king lint trap. It's not like we're asking you to change the oil in the car or clean the rain gutters or do some landscaping or something.

2:21 PM - I got back just in time to see WR Wes Welker embarass the Eagles secondary

2:22 PM - Injured Bears QB Jay Cutler was just shown on the sidelines as I'm sure he will be throughout the game. He looks even more like a pouty b**ch when he's not wearing his helmet...

2:27 PM - Fun fact: QB Caleb Hanie's wife is hot (trust me, no photo to share but she was on TV)... and so is the redheaded chick next to her... not sure of relation.

2:28 PM - I called the screen pass that the Raiders just picked off.

2:33 PM - Uh-oh! It just showed that Janikowski has made 22 FG's in a row w/in 40 yards. That's usually a jinx. Whew... made it. MVP!!!

2:35 PM - Chargers DB Quentin Jammer may have the perfect name for a DB... except maybe Picky McStuffington or something.

2:36 PM - TEBOW TOUCHDOWN!!! He did a pump fake to a screen pass off the option... and that seems to always leave somebody open for the bomb down the field.

2:36 PM - Announcer: "Just tell him (Tebow) that it's the 4th quarter all the time!" Surprisingly good point...

2:37 PM - Red Zone Channel Halftime Show music - I don't know it... but I know that I don't like it...

2:41 PM - WOO!!! Eagles held Patriots to a FG on their 2 minute drill. Small victories...

2:42 PM - RZC Announcer about Riley Cooper's big catch earlier - "Tim Tebow's roommate... that's his name. Even his parents don't call him Riley Cooper." Nice!

2:45 PM - The boos have started in Philadelphia. Maybe they should just punt on 3rd down?

2:46 PM - RZC Announcer just used the term "BT" meaning Before Tebow. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more crazy for the Tim Tebow - Jesus Christ comparisons... this happens.

2:47 PM - Texans RB Arian Foster's TD dance is always the same... a simple bow with hands together. I like it. It shows respect for the Game.

2:53 PM - HUNGRY? Cereal / film rolling TD dance = Hungry? Really?

2:56 PM - The Washington Redskins now have a turnover in 25 straight games, the longest streak in the NFL. TAKE THAT, RACISTS!!!

3:01 PM - Patriots RB Danny Woodhead is Rudy with skills

3:07 PM - Broncos safety Brian Dawkins sighting! Sigh... I miss him being an Eagle.

3:07 PM - Right on queue, Patriots WR Wes Welker gets a TD against the Eagles

3:11 PM - There's a controversial pass interference call involving Seattle WR Mike Williams & Washington DB Josh Wilson. Announcer Jim Mora jr won't stop saying "awful" and "ridiculous" in regards to it.

3:17 PM - Game Break with commentator James Brown - "Remember when the Eagles had a 10-0 lead?" F**k you, JB!!!

3:20 PM - Patriots WR Julian Edelman is now playing DB. Belichick & I are f**king geniuses.

3:23 PM - The Raiders had 1st & goal at the 9 yard line... now it's 3rd & goal at the 26. Janikowski just made his 6th FG. MVP!!!

3:26 PM - Bad 4th down pass from Vince Young (the boos rain down)

3:31 PM - Seattle Seahawks have won 16 consecutive games with a lead at the end of the 3rd quarter. I think the Eagles have lost 5-6 consecutive games with that same stat...

3:33 PM - Seattle WR Golden Tate's TD celebration - Trust fall? Either that or a snow angel in Seattle... which is just worse.

3:34 PM - Field goal by Bears kicker Robbie GOOOOOOOOOULD!!!

3:40 PM - They just compared Jim Mora jr's college picture to David Cassidy

3:40 PM - "Best movement since the opening drive" Tehehehehe...

3:42 PM - Redskins RB Roy Helu just hurdled a guy & made it a ball game

3:47 PM - Mortal weapons cannot stop Tim Tebow!!! Only holding penalties...

3:49 PM - "FIRE!!! ANDY!!!" - Really, Philly fans? And replace him with who? Mick???

3:50 PM - Patriots TE Ron Gronkowski TD!!! Sigh... F**K YOU, TOM BRADY!!!

3:58 PM - Broncos WR Eric Decker has saved the savior (Tim Tebow) once again

4:01 PM - I just saw Broncos RB Lance Ball & Chargers DB Quentin Jammer on the same replay. The result: Their jerseys read "Ball Jammer"

4:01 PM - Fun fact: I have the same mental synapses as a 13-year old nerd...

4:04 PM - For some reason, we're looking at Redskins QB Rex Grossman's ass... and Nurse just said, "That's an interesting shot!" I believe they're trying to get a shot of his injured thumb as his hand is resting on his hip on the sidelines... but still... it is what it is.

4:10 PM - Tim Tebow just led a drive that ended in a game-tying FG. Womp womp!!!

4:16 PM - ONSIDE KICK!!! - Bears DB Tillman just hit a dude in the face. KAPOW!!!

4:26 PM - Bears QB Caleb Hanie just trying to do a fake snap, pass downfield in the final seconds... but apparently he was the only one that knew about it as the receivers stayed still. So then he spiked the ball to stop the clock... and was called for intentional grounding. OOPS!!!

4:28 PM - Replay of Bears WR #12 Brown "I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN DAMMIT!!!"

4:46 PM - Angelina Jolie is on "60 Minutes"? Hmm... I'm still not watching... though I admire your effort.

4:48 PM - Tebow & Broncos RB Willis McGahee just ran them well within FG range, K Matt Prater lines up... game over... Tebow is 5-1 as a starter. Thank you & God bless...

4:50 PM - Discussion: If a game ends in a tie after overtime. How should the win/loss be settled? Ties are for p**sies!!! I'm thinking arm wrestling... or some kind of full contact battle between one chose warrior from either team. Though my roommates brought up the great idea of... Red Rover. What do you think would work best? Discuss any options that come to mind.

That concludes today's ledger... as I don't care for the night game at all. I hope you enjoyed it... and if not, I'll be back soon with more nonsense that you may enjoy. Have a great night everybody!!!

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