Friday, December 9, 2011

Tannenbaum II: Electric Boogaloo

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s been a fairly slow few days. Though I did further establish my place as coolest roommate alive by get a lovely new Christmas tree & set it up the other night. The former fake tree was sacrificed to the plastic Gods when I moved out here. It had been used for 8 Christmases though… including that one year when I decided to leave it up for the entire year because it was great lighting in my Utah apartment… so it was due for retirement. Please observe & behold… Tannenbaum 2: Electric Boogaloo!!!

Monday night, I watched “Season of the Witch” starring Nicolas Cage & Ron Perlman. The story is set back in the times of the Crusades & the Black Plague… and the people of Europe are dying all over the world. After losing interest in slaughtering peoples of the Middle East, two deserters of the Crusades (Cage & Perlman) head back to Europe… only to be recognized as deserting soldiers & given an ultimatum – Deliver an alleged witch to a church stronghold… or go to jail. Needless to say, they chose jail & died shortly after of the plague. The end. Of course that’s not the end, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. So they choose to deliver the witch… but they soon find out that this little girl does indeed seem to have supernatural powers. Could she really be a witch? Or possibly something more horrific? (Dun dun duuuuuh…) Anyway, I enjoyed it. The movie was a lot better than I was expecting (horrible reviews & the Nicolas Cage’s recent willingness to do anything for money) but it was pretty good. Best part: If you have Netflix, you can watch it RIGHT NOW on demand. By the way, if you’re not into the movie say… 15-20 minutes in, then you can just turn it off… and you’ve only lost 15-20 minutes of your life. Technology is awesome!

Oh… and funny thing. Remember how I replaced the lamp on my projector a few weeks ago when my dad was visiting? Well, apparently it has burned out again. The previous bulb lasted over 6 years… and this one lasted about 6 weeks. What the f**k? So yeah, another week or so until I get a replacement… and I would say that I may miss my NFL… but then again, I have NFL Sunday Ticket… and a PS3… and a TV upstairs (though it’s a 27” tube TV that was considered old when I got it for free 10 years ago… but it works). I just got everything hooked up last night so I haven’t ventured the Sunday Ticket yet (by the way, the bedroom has a ridiculous amount of cables in the way right now) but I’ll keep you posted… because I know you care, right?

Basketball last night was pretty horrible. We were pretty close the first half… but then we just got blown away in the second half. Why? Well, I only had two points (even went 0-for-4 from the free throw line… when they decided to call fouls which wasn’t long). They also had three bigs in the entire game… and again, it was just me & everybody else was about 5’6” & I can’t guard them all. They were also just simply a pretty good team. I think they finished 2nd last go around… but yeah, it got pretty embarrassing towards the end… because our guards couldn’t hold onto the ball & I don’t even think I touched it more than twice in the second half other than defensive rebounds & blocks. Oh well… next week is another game… and round two of the playoffs on Sunday with my other team.

Ridin’ Dirty - A naked and drunk motorist sped through central Moscow last month, crashing into 17 cars before being stopped by police who chased him across a large part of the capital, state television said. Go ahead & read that last sentence… step by step… to get the full image. "When police made him open his door, it became clear he was completely naked," said state TV, showing lines of cars with shattered windscreens and battered sides. Local media said the man, who appeared to be in his 40s, was from Moldova and showed a picture of him grinning in the back seat of a police car (so he’s a happy drunk). State TV said preliminary tests showed the driver had an "abnormally high" level of alcohol in his system. Please take into account that this is a Russian television station… saying “abnormally high” levels of alcohol in his system. TV pictures showed distressed drivers with bloodied hands and faces sitting in their cars, but police said there were no serious injuries. "The most dangerous part was when he almost hit a bus full of school children," police spokesman Gennady Bogachev told state TV, adding that four of the 17 vehicles were police cars. This is what happens when you let people in their forties play video games for the first time. They don’t know how to react. They have a bit of vodka & then they try to rack up a high score on “Grand Theft Auto: Moscow” but in real life. Thank goodness this drunken idiot didn’t hurt anybody though. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it… literally over a hundred times on this blog over the years… don’t drink & drive. Period. And for God’s sake, put some pants on. Hey ladies, what’s cooler than being cool? Russia in November. Alrightalrightalrightalrightalright…

Robocop Update – Okay, so it’s not exactly an update on the reboot in the works (or the statue in Detroit) but "Robocop" star Peter Weller is joining the cast of JJ Abrams’ "Star Trek" sequel in what is described as a principal (but unspecified) role reports Deadline. Weller joins the returning cast members along with the already set Alice Eve (“She’s Out of My League”) and Benicio Del Toro (“Traffic” & “Snatch”) with production to begin early into the new year. Fun fact: Weller has actually been a part of the 'Star Trek' universe before. The actor played a xenophobic factional leader determine to expel all aliens from our solar system in two episodes of "Star Trek: Enterprise" in 2005. So what does this mean? Well, nothing really other than Peter Weller’s going to be the in movie… and Benecio del Toro is allegedly NOT going to be KAAAAAAAAHN so then really what’s the point of the sequel? I’m sure it’ll still be good… and maybe it’s all Hollywood gossip to throw people off & KAAAAAHN’s wrath will be a part of it. We shall see.

Starship Troopers Reboot? – Say what you will about director Paul Verhoeven, but the man has made some guilty pleasures over the years… and Hollywood recognizes it. They've remade "Total Recall", they're working on a reboot of "Robocop", now a third Paul Verhoeven film is about to get another go around - "Starship Troopers". Yes, yes, I know… please calm down. I know… this is simply the greatest news you’ve heard since the Berlin Wall coming down. Producer Neal Moritz is looking into a reboot of the 1997 sci-fi cult classic and have assigned "Thor," "X-Men: First Class" and frequent "Fringe" writers Ashley Edward Miller and Zack Stentz to do the script according to Vulture. Based on a novel by Robert A. Heinlein, Verhoeven's film followed a futuristic military unit as they progress from recruit to infantry to ranking officers against the backdrop of an interstellar war between mankind and a giant arachnoid species known as "the Bugs". Really no more explanation or elaboration on that is needed… and thank God because I had a lot of questions as a kid. The film boasted impressive Oscar nominated visual effects, gory violence, healthy doses of male and female nudity, a cast of young unknowns with oodles of sex appeal, and a tone that blended war-time action with an often campy skewering of fascism - the latter irony seemingly lost on some critics and viewers at the time. Hmm… speaking of unknowns, I wonder what Casper van Diem does when he’s not starring in sequels of this series. I mean… it can’t pay too well. Does he have a day job? Anyway, point is… “Would you like to know more?” Of course you would. Love that flick… and now it gets a reboot. The question remains though… Can new versions of his three other Hollywood films be far behind? Could the next Sharon Stone be recast for “Basic Instinct: Beginnings”? Could a new group of Hollywood hopefuls careers be shat down the toilet in a “Showgirls” reboot? Mmm… could the timeless beauty of Elisabeth Shue & the most deliciously named man in the industry Kevin Bacon be involved in another “Hollow Man” sequel? Only time will tell… but will there be time?

Apocalypse Update – As you know, the inevitable apocalypse is almost always at the forefront of my mind… with the exceptions being distractions by shiny objects, catchy tunes & the female form. It is also well known that I’ve documented stories supporting my theory that the apocalypse will not come with a horrific explosion… but rather a slither as snakes lead an army of animals against us. Well, here’s yet another story of them possibly coaxing humans to assist them in their world domination. A snake charmer in India released 40 poisonous snakes, including a number of cobras, onto the floor of a Government Land Registry Office to protest the delay of a new land permit. The UK Guardian reports that the man, reportedly named Hakkul (yes, only one name… like Cher or Socrates or Beavis), also accused bureaucrats in the northern Indian state of Uttar Pradesh of demanding bribes for his land application: "I am a conservationist and have been seeking the government's help. Having waited patiently for so long, I had no option but to leave all my snakes in this office," Hakkul told the Telegraph. Clearly he had no other choice. Simple freedoms like this are what we sometimes take for granted in America. Is the DMV taking too damn long with your registration? SURPRISE! Now you’ve got a snake infestation to worry about too. Why don’t you just gimme my sticker please? Anyway, the story goes that he said he received promise of a land permit two years ago so that he would have a place for his snakes to live. Fun fact: Despite their world-famous reputations, snake charmers are actually illegal in India, which is why the government says it has continued to delay Hakkul's request. In fact, the Indian government recently began implanting some snakes with tracking devices in order to protect them from what critics say is a cruel and inhumane practice. It’s a practice similar to when a farmer in Humboldt County asks for a land permit for growing a marijuana field… and so the institution delays the process until they at least pretend that it’s for growing corn or wheat or something. "He had applied for a plot of land to keep his snakes," Subhash Mani Tripathi, the head of land-revenue administration, told the AFP. "But there is no provision for such a business. Instead of seeking a written reply, which we would have issued, Hakkul created panic by letting loose a bunch of snakes all over the office." No one was hurt after Hakkul released the snakes, which were eventually captured by forestry department officials. So what do you think? Was Hakkul just a man at the end of his rope & without the proper BS’ing skills to say that he was going to create a snake sanctuary as opposed to place for his illegal practice (kind of like saying that you need a building permit for a brothel as opposed to women’s shelter)? Or has he formed a traitorous allegiance with the serpents in order to gain favor when they rule? Or did the snakes charm him? Or did the mighty Cobra Commander implement a microchip into his brain, controlling his actions? Whatever the sssssituation may be, sssssh*t issss getting real. So please watch yourselves out there…

Anyway, that’ll do it for this entry. Did a lot of my Christmas shopping online… and I’d love to share what I got people… but I’m sure a few of them actually read this thing… so maybe another day. Damn, can’t believe it’s almost 2012 already. I’d better get thinking about the 2011 $tevie Awards too. Such a busy time of the year, right? Oh… and apparently we have basketball back soon. I’ve actually already bought a few upper bowl tickets for when the Spurs come to play the Warriors on my 31st birthday in April. It should be awesome. However… I’m not sure what the hell is going on with the Chris Paul being traded to the Lakers move getting vetoed by the league. Can they really do that? It seemed to me that all three teams involved were getting a pretty sweet deal… hence why they all agreed to it. The Hornets got a sh*t load of good players & a good draft pick in exchange for a guy who is only going to play (disgruntledly) for one more year anyway. Then the commissioner stepped in & said they couldn’t do it… because he’s going to the Lakers? I think that’s what he’s saying? Regardless, the three teams are now threatening to sue so I hope it’ll be overturned & go as planned as it should be… but whatever. They’re all rich as hell anyway. It’s just a horrible way to start this new era of basketball after the lockout with more chicken sh*t stuff… and you know I don’t care for the Lakers… I’m just want the Hornets to get something for very little… and the integrity of a team managing itself to be upheld… but I digress. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

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