Thursday, July 30, 2009

Bon Bons, Bikinis & Books

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So last night after work, didn't do much except watch a movie that makes me want to see another movie even more. Allow me to explain. The movie that I watched was "Taken" starring Liam Neeson. Now, you've all seen the preview...with the guy from "Love Actually" threatening kidnappers over the phone thousands of miles away...and you think, "I don't know. That guy's like...fifty something, right? Maybe he's just bluffing and hoping they're amateurs." It's a movie. Of course he's not bluffing. Anyway, a retired operative for the American government is trying to establish a relationship with his 17-year old daughter...but she's invited on a trip to Paris by one of her friends...and they get kidnapped...and he's going to get her. This movie is bad-ass. It's intense, fast, brutal...and basically you just think Liam's a bad-ass the whole time. I would highly recommend it if you're into those kind of action flicks. Now, what movie does this make me want to watch more? Lincoln (when/if that ever comes to be). What's "Lincoln"? I've mentioned it a few times...but to refresh your memory, it's about the life of Abraham Lincoln...and Liam plays the title character...and former President Harrison Ford plays bigoted VP Andrew Johnson...and Spielberg's directing it. Now, think of this...there HAS to be an obligatory scene where Lincoln & Johnson (aka Indiana Jones) have a disagreement, which leads to fisticuffs. So yeah, can't wait for it now. Go check this movie out too...again, if you're into action flicks. It's written by Luc Besson and produced by his you know two things have to be true. It's full of action...and it mostly takes place in Paris. Honestly, I'm surprised the final pyramid scene in "Fifth Element" didn't take place at the base of the Eiffel Tower...but that was probably a compromise from the original script. Now for the news...

Dream Job? - Scientists are looking for women willing to eat chocolate every day for a year -- all in the name of medical science. Researchers at the University of East Anglia and a hospital in Norwich, eastern England are trying to find out whether chocolate can cut the risk of heart disease and need 40 women to step forward and help. Most of the women will have to (as in be forced to) eat two bars of "super-strength chocolate specially formulated by Belgian chocolatiers" daily for one year and undergo several tests to measure how healthy their hearts are. The others will have to eat regular chocolate as a placebo. One possible catch, for chocolate fans spotting an opportunity: volunteers for the research should be menopausal but aged under 75 and have type two diabetes. Damn, that's a curveball. Study coordinator Peter Curtis said: "A successful outcome could be the first step in developing new ways to improve the lives of people at increased risk of heart disease." So there you go. Any of you menopausal mamas out there who are looking to score some free chocolate...and live in the United Kingdom, here's an opportunity for you...and in the name of science. How can you go wrong? I'm curious about this super-strength chocolate too. What makes it super-strength? Super delicious? Super chocolaty? Can I bend the fabric of time? X-ray vision? Super noxious gas? Details.

Bikini Banditos - Police in Mississippi say a woman was carjacked by a bikini-clad suspect, who they say later tried to rob an RV dealership. Southaven Police Chief Tom Long said the 24-year-old suspect approached another woman in her driveway and demanded the car on Thursday. The woman gave up the car without a fight, asking only for time to remove her young children from inside. Long said the suspect then drove the car to the business, where she told employees she had a gun and demanded money. The employees did not believe the claim and restrained her until officers arrived. Police said the suspect appeared to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. She was charged with carjacking and assault. Now, it may be a different situation if say...a gentleman like myself were carjacked by a bikini-clad woman (obviously strapped). "Dr Love, can you describe the carjacker for us?" "With pleasure. She was wearing this leopard print number, right? Two-piece, very flattering to the ample cleavage, milky, she had this little birthmark on the left breast. Wait...yeah, her left breast, that's right. Was actually hoping it was chocolate and she needs some help with it...but then she pulled the gun on me." "That's...mildly helpful. Do you recall her eye color? Hair color? Approximate height?" "Her what-now? Eyes? Ugh...something like ugh...well, she had a curvy build, very Jane Russell. Remember her? Or kind of a Kim Novak quality to her." "Blonde or brunette?" "She also had a gun. Did I mention that part? I think it was a 9mm. Basic, simple, effective." "Sir, describe her face." Okay, you caught me. I hadn't worked my way up that far. I was sitting in my car, there's these set of double D's thrown in my window followed by a nickel-plated nine, I'm frightened & horny at the same time, my brain shuts down, I remember showing her how to drive a stick & teaching her about the tricky clutch, and then she's off with my car." "Wait, what? You taught her how to drive your car." "I PANICKED, OKAY??? Look, I gave her my number too. Maybe she'll call, you guys can tap the phone, we can triangulate her position or whatever..." "Sir, we just got a call...and she tried to jack an RV dealership." "Oh! Really? Cool, so...should I go identify her or something? How's my car? Did she ask for me?"

Librarians are HOT!!! - So much for the stereotype. Texas librarians are baring their skin and revealing their tattoos — all to raise disaster relief money to help damaged libraries. Photos of the librarians and their body art appear in a new calendar sold by the Texas Library Association. Librarian Shawne Miksa says it's a way to get people to notice library issues. As the model for November 2010, she shows off Chinese characters on her lower back that mean "wisdom" and "desire." The "Tattooed Ladies of TLA" 18-month calendar is a follow-up to the successful "Men of Texas Libraries" calendar, which raised $9,000 to help libraries damaged by hurricanes Katrina and Rita. The TLA says libraries thrive on promoting diversity and free expression and the calendar exhibits that spirit...and a little body art never hurt nobody...after the fact. Not as hot as I was expecting when I heard about a Texas Librarians Calendar...but hey, at least it's for a good cause. I remember when I was asked to be a part of the Eden Firefighters Calendar a few years ago. No, I'm not a firefighter...but apparently they didn't have enough guys (being a small town...and frankly, most of them are a little on the "experienced" side). So yeah, you all missed out on that one...but it never came to pass. Probably a good thing too...then I would've been thrown into the life of modeling, acting, dancing...and basically become a rich douche all based on my outward appearance. Yeah, that would've sucked. Sigh... So yeah, librarians are hot...and I think I'm going to use some of my connections to set up one for Utah libraries...but this will be sexier than tattoos (and better sellers in this state). Think of it this way...librarians reading their favorite books...on their bedspreads...or in their jammies at the breakfast nook. Oh yeah, it'll work splendidly. I'll keep ya posted...and it'll be for a cause, like literacy...or adult education...or at least adult entertainment. Is there any greater cause?

Car Chase in Hometown - Police in Plain City, Utah (GO FREMONT SILVERWOLVES!!!) say a 7-year-old boy led officers on a car chase in an effort to avoid going to church. Dispatchers received reports of a child driving recklessly on Sunday morning. Weber County Sheriff's Capt. Klint Anderson says one witness said the boy drove through a stop sign. Anderson says two deputies caught up with the boy and tried unsuccessfully to stop the Dodge Intrepid in an area about 45 miles north of Salt Lake City. The car reached 40 mph before the boy stopped in a driveway and ran inside a home. Anderson says when the boy's father later confronted him, the boy said he didn't want to go to church. The boy is too young to prosecute and no citations were issued, although police did urge the father to make his car keys more inaccessible to children. The sad thing is...I probably know the father from high school...and that makes this all the more hilarious. That's why I have to mention it.

Also, Filly got a new dog today down in New Orleans...and it was a dog left on her doorstep...not unlike Moses. It's a boxer / pitbull I suggested to her a few names. Number one was Rocky...of course in honor of the great underdog boxers Rocky Balboa AND Marciano. However, I think she was more happy with my other...and surprisingly clever choice...which was Slobber Lang, which was a tribute to Mister T's character Clobber Lang in Rocky III...and has a more badass quality to it...and the Slobber is just a cute touch that the ladies love. I know. I have a gift for naming pets and children. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Here's a picture...

Anyway, that'll do it for today. It's been a pleasure as always, imagining being carjacked by a swimsuit model, making a calendar of kinky librarians, eating chocolate for a year and so much more. Thank you for sharing this experience with me...and have a great day everybody!!!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Like if Iceman & Goose were on the Same Team

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Okay, so where to begin with the weekend? Well, Friday night I got off work about 45 minutes early, met up with the Wingmans and we headed up to my mom's house in Eden (the Fortress of Solitude) and enjoy a barbecue with about fifty of my closest relatives (instead of the usual hundreds). We had burgers and the Wingmans got to meet my nieces & nephew for the first time (they agree that they're cute) and we just had a great time hanging out with the family.

Saturday, we woke up late, went to the Shooting Star Saloon in Huntsville, the longest running continuous bar in all of Utah (like 130 years or something). We also enjoyed one of their famous Star Burgers, which is basically a double cheese burger with a knackwurst on top...and it's delicious. The beer wasn't bad either...and the only other thing on the menu is potato chips, so that's really the full experience. Also they have dollars stapled to the ceiling and plenty of animal heads on the walls...including a St Bernard. Fun place. Then he went to a few stores, stopped by my Aunt Pat & Alicia's birthday party, saw some of my dad's family that I hadn't seen in many years, then we headed out to have some REAL fun.

Saturday night was BB's karaoke birthday jam at the Lazy Dog Saloon in Riverton. It's kind of a dive...but that just means the beer and cheap and the people are entertainingly inebriated. Now, I know what you're thinking...and yes, we sang...but apparently they only wanted us to do one song (all the regulars put in their portfolios hours before we showed up) but it was..."The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band. Not my greatest performance...but on the fiddle solos, I got people clapping to my jiggy interpretation of this classic duel between Good & Evil...and nothing brings people together like "I done told you once you sum'bich, I'm the best there's ever been." After closing time, we headed over to one of BB's friends for further entertainment, food & Guitar Hero World Tour. Good times. Eventually we got to sleep...but that was around 5 AM.

Sunday, we slept in and really didn't do too much except watch movies. We went to the theatre to watch "The Hangover" and now we want to go to Vegas...and may actually do it this next weekend. If you haven't seen this movie, it gets the Vegas Seal of Recommendation. It's the story of four guys who go to Vegas for a bachelor party...and shenanigans ensue...and they've lost one of their friends...and they don't remember a damn thing about the night before. See also: Every weekend in Vegas EVER (including those that involve an emergency room). It's what you'd expect with all the humor, pretty low brow...but at least it's funny and not just gross. Think of this movie as a mix of "Dude, Where's My Car?" meets "Bachelor Party" and that's what you've got. Go check it out...or wait until the rental. Watch it with friends...and then plan your next trip to Vegas.

That night we stopped at a Redbox and got "The Watchmen" which I had been waiting to see...and it was really cool & dark and just not like other superhero stories out there. I really liked it. It's from the director of "300" so some of the stuff is a little...over the top...but hey, it's a superhero flick, so what do you expect really? The story revolves around an alternate reality where Nixon's elected for five terms and it's an alternate 1985 (like Back to the Future?) and the world is on the brink of chaos thanks to an escalated Cold War with Russia...and all the superheroes have retired. Now, some of them are being murdered...and it's up to the rest to find out who's doing it...and why. I had asked numerous people before about this movie...and the only thing they could tell me was about the big glowing blue penis of Doctor Manhattan. "Interesting, so are there bad guys or what?" "Seriously. Every few minutes, it's like BAM!!! Forty foot blue cock on the screen!!!" "Okay...but tell me more about it. What's the plot? I haven't read the comics or novel or whatever." "It was just know?" Yes, there is some frontal nudity...but not as much as I was expecting based on the testimony. I even watched it on a projector screen. Still, great flick. Go check it out. Leave the kids at home though. Oh...and I have a bottle of absinthe now...and it was nice. It was another late night.

Monday, I was having a case of the Monday I decided to call off work and spend the day chillaxin' with the Wingmans. We had lunch at Buca di Beppo across the street with my mom (who was in town for a few hours with work) and again, just kind of relaxed and took in the day of rest and watched movies and had a few beverages and cooked up some collard greens & fruit and just had a grand olde tyme. The Wingmans & I always seem to know how to have a fun time...even on a dime. Hopefully we'll be able to arrange something for this weekend in Vegas because after that, they'll have the five kids around for the next few months, so one last hurrah before having to go back to responsibilities. That's the idea we're going with. So if anybody else wants in on some of this action, let us know...but be prepared to have fun. No drama. Deal?

Tuesday, I went to work...and afterwards was surprised to find that the Wingmans were still in town for another day & wanted to hang we did. We went to the new all-you-can-eat sushi place called Simply Sushi across the street...and had about $50 worth of sushi (five long rolls & some nigiri) for twenty bucks. Great deal...and I never thought that I could get full off sushi...but it happened. They'll even do substitutions...and I highly recommend a Park City Roll with yellowtail substituting the salmon. It's amaz-az-ing. Ladies, if you wanna check it out...I've got the hookup.

After sushi, we went back to the apartment and watched "Miss March" starring...well, Hugh Hefner was in it. Basically the story is, there's this straight arrow kid...and his dim-witted pervert friend (we all have at least one). The straight arrow is going to senior prom with a superhottie girlfriend of two plus years...and they're about to do the do...when he falls down some stairs, hits his head...and is in a coma for four years. He wakes up...and finds out that his friend is still there, but his dad left him, and his girlfriend is now the centerfold on the latest issue of Playboy. So now, his friend is being chased by his girlfriend (he stabbed her with a fork) and firefighters...and he kidnaps his friend recovering from a coma to go on a cross-country trip to the Playboy Mansion...and there's a rapper friend named Horsedick.mpeg least there's plenty of hot chicks in the movie. That's really about it. There are funny moments...but it reverts back to poop jokes a lot...and idiocy, which can be entertaining. Not a must see by any means...but hey, Playboy's you know it has to be okay on a basic level.

Fortune Cookie of the (Yester) Day - "A Note Full of Cheer is Coming From a Loved bed" - Okay, that's just a little weird...but only because I don't really have a loved one in bed per se...unless it's like somebody writing on their bed...using their laptop or something. That might be the case...but yeah, otherwise it's just a little odd. Now a little something about bears...

Badass Boulder Bears - Apparently I got out of Denver just in the nick of time. The animals are taking over. A black (African-American) bear that broke into a Boulder County home and charged at the homeowner was killed only after three rounds from a shotgun, five shots from a handgun and two from a rifle. Paul Fischer fired birdshot and a rubber bullet at the 120-pound bear that was found rummaging through the kitchen early Monday morning. The family escaped when the third shot seemed to disorient the bear. Sheriff's deputies found a bear trying to claw his way through a screen door when they arrived. Sgt. Lance Enholm fired his handgun five times at the bear after determining it was severely wounded. Enholm says the bear kept moving toward him and was finally killed by two shots from his rifle. Ten shots, three different weapons, and one fuzzy wuzzy corpse. Remember to lock your doors at night.

Panda Update - China announced the first successful birth of a panda cub from artificial insemination using frozen sperm, giving a new option for the notoriously poor breeders, officials said Friday. Panda females have only three days a year in which they can conceive — one reason their species is endangered. Female panda You You (pronounced Yo Yo) gave birth to the new cub Thursday morning at the Wolong Giant Panda Research Center in southwestern Sichuan. It is You You's third baby, and the 10th panda cub born at Wolong this year. Just after dawn, the pinkish, hairless cub emerged, and its mother licked the baby to clean it, according to footage shown by state broadcaster CCTV. Panda researchers said Friday that they believe it's the first successful live birth worldwide using frozen panda sperm. "We did try before but it failed," said Huang Yan, a deputy research technician with the China Panda Preservation Research Center. The technique has been tried in other countries but this was the first known instance of a live birth, he said. The sperm from male panda Lolo (as in, keep it on the lolo) had been frozen for "a number of years," said Huang, though he did not give details. Artificial insemination is commonly used for breeding pandas, which have a very low sex drive. In 2006, 34 pandas were born through artificial insemination in China and 30 survived — both record numbers for the endangered species. The technique has also been used at zoos in the United States. However, using panda sperm that has been frozen earlier (instead of from an immediate donor) had not been successful before. Scientists carried out the artificial insemination in March, and You You was found to be pregnant in June during an ultrasound exam, according to a notice on the Wolong Center's Web site. The technique, if it can be replicated, will be a positive boost for panda conservation efforts, said Matthew Durnin, regional science director in the Asia-Pacific and North Asia for The Nature Conservancy, a U.S.-based conservation organization. "In the past, they're limited to using semen from a few virile, reproductive males. If you're using only one male at a time, you start to get lower and lower diversity. This can help with issues of genetic diversity among your captive population," he said. Breeding giant pandas in captivity has proved difficult. Pandas are threatened by loss of habitat, poaching and a low reproduction rate. Females in the wild normally have a cub once every two or three years. Oddly enough, the fertility of captive giant pandas is even lower. Only about 1,600 pandas live in the wild, mostly in China's southwestern Sichuan province, which was hit by an earthquake last year that killed nearly 70,000 people. An additional 120 are in Chinese breeding facilities and zoos, and about 20 live in zoos outside China. So Yo-yo & Lolo had a baster baby...and it'll be named in about three months. Great news from the scientific world. Soon pandas will be rummaging through our kitchens and getting shot ten times too. I can't wait for those days.

Well, that'll do it for today. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend as well...and a big thanks to the Wingmans for stopping by and having a kick-ass time. Have a great day everybody!!!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Back When Settling Wasn't Frowned Upon

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Pioneer Day back on Friday everybody!!! What's Pioneer Day? You may be asking that if you're a fairly new reader of the blog and have never lived in Utah...but Pioneer Day is the celebration of...well, I don't remember specifically what the day July 24th refers to...but it's either the day that Utah became a state back in 1896...or it's the day that a band of Mormons led by Brigham Young (and his 23 wives, no joke) were traveling westward from Missouri, had just passed through the merciless Rocky Mountains, came out the other end, saw a barren desert with a salt water lake that smelled like a dead cat left in the warsh (as Bubbles would say) and said, "This is the Place. That's it. I'm not going any further. We're gonna stay right here. Unload these wagons." "But Brother Young, this is not the coast." "DO YOU SEE WHAT LIES AHEAD, Brother Jones? Feel free to continue...but I'm tired of this journey. Wait, wait (looks to the sky) What's that? Right here? Okey dokey. There, God just told me to set up a city right here." "Wow Brother Young. What shall we call it?" "Ugh...we'll it. (Looks around at the landscape with a salty desert) Salt...and ugh, there's the lake...Salt. Lake. City. Salt Lake City." "That sounds...kind of lame." "Are you calling God's will lame?" "NO! No, of course not. Salt Lake City's a great name for a city." And thus a city was born...and the definition of the word Settler. Join us next time when I'll explain the origins of San Diego, discovered by the Germans in 1904...and the name San Diego is German for "the whale's vagina." It's really a beautiful tale of Forbidden Love...and sauerkraut.

Thursday night, JL Clyde, the Mad Scientist & I went to the Hookah Lounge downtown to watch my buddy Spitsofrantic perform (briefly after about two hours or waiting) and we had a merry time of catching up and enjoying a few adult beverages. An added bonus was that Spitso's older brother Jack was there, so we played some pool and I introduced him to my friends. One of which he had apparently wanted to meet for a few years. See, Jack used to work with us up until about two years ago...and he had been fascinated by JL Clyde's fashion sense. "Dude, who is that? I've been wanting to meet her for years." "Oh, well then I'll introduce you two." "Anybody who can pull off skirts and combat boots...I just have to meet." After that, I went home and slept like a baby...but with some freaky dreams. I won't bore you with the details...but it was like I was in a pretty horrible horror flick (though my supporting cast was mainly big-breasted women from all over the world) and it...well, here I'll just tell ya what I remember. Details of this weekend with the Wingmans are gonna have to wait until next time...

So it starts out that a few friends (though I don't recall seeing them before) and I buy a new house...and it's pretty standard, white walls, probably a three-bedroom, two-bath, nothing exceptional at all...except for this REALLY steep driveway that leads directly into the garage. I mean like...45-degree angle at least. Anyway, our first night there, some strange things are I hear one of the girls scream from outside, go running out there...and she's screaming at a splatter of blood on the garage wall...but there's not body or anything. "Oh my God!!!" I grab the nearest possible weapon...which appears to be little birdhouse or hummingbird feeder that was sticking out of the garden. Don't worry, it was only temporary. "Alright everyone, I don't know where that came from...but let's get back in the house and call the cops. Does anybody have a cell phone?" The only other dude said, "That's just corn syrup." "So some kids are being assholes...but just to be safe, let's get back inside." We sidestep in a group towards the front door. One of the girls scream, "It's locked. Who has a key?" "I'm in my jammies. Who'd lock the door?" I toss her my keys. BANG!!! The girls scream as one of the windows blows out...and they all kind of run off back towards the which there's more with a puddle running down the driveway a little as well...and there's now a body skewered to the garage. "AAAAGH!!!" "That's just corn syrup." "Let's go to the neighbor's house." "Where's my cell?" Everybody's kind of scurrying about...and we get separated. Luckily, I had found a sturdy fence post...and there were distant screams here and there...but I saw the neighbor's house across the street with the lights on.

"HEY!!! HEEEEEEY!!!" I run up the driveway...which if you remember is pretty steep...and has "corn syrup" all over it. Well, I get to the street and continue yelling. "HEEEEEY!!! CALL THE COPS!!!" The shadow of a guy is standing in the window with the lights on behind him...and he basically just closes the curtains. Then it hits me, I start remembering little things from earlier in the dream (like I said, it's like a bad horror movie). I see the realtor showing us the house, "So no family in the area?" "Nope, we just have each other", the neighbors, signing the paperwork, "They moved to a better place", eerie looks from the neighbors, "This paperwork was a easier than I expected" "It's a lot easier when you pay in full", basically it was just a little montage...and I had finally figured out the setup. Basically, this was like a neighborhood alliance, where they sold this home to a bunch of kids...but really just took their money and never filed anything with the county or something...and because we didn't have any family checking up on us...nobody seemed to notice...and they would kill us, you know serial killer style...and all the neighbors get a cut...and then they just do it all over again in a few months when a few more suckers with no experience in home ownership and a wad of cash (probably from a new book deal or something). Oh yeah, it was going to be a really bad flick...with sequels. Yeah, that was basically it. There was another dream about finding a restaurant in Denver (weird) but the person suggesting it didn't know the name...just that it was "San...something" and it became a futile attempt of trying to get information from her...and my moustache was quite full...and had those sweet curls on the ends. Like a sexy Yosemite Sam...but that's about all I remember. Hardly worthy of a movie script. So here's the news...

Prehistoric MURDER!!! - Newly analyzed remains suggest that a modern human killed a Neanderthal man in what is now Iraq between 50,000 and 75,000 years ago. The finding is scant but tantalizing evidence for a theory that modern humans helped to kill off the Neanderthals (it was either them or us). Though the statute of limitations is being called into question, a further complication is that it is highly unlikely that the murderer is still around to be punished. The probable weapon of choice: A thrown spear. The evidence: A lethal wound on the remains of a Neanderthal skeleton. The victim: A 40- to 50-year-old male, now called Shanidar 3, with signs of arthritis and a sharp, deep slice in his left ninth rib. "What we've got is a rib injury, with any number of scenarios that could explain it," said study researcher Steven Churchill, an associate professor of evolutionary anthropology at Duke University in North Carolina. "We're not suggesting there was a blitzkrieg, with modern humans marching across the land and executing the Neanderthals. I want to say that loud and clear." But he added, "We think the best explanation for this injury is a projectile weapon, and given who had those and who didn't, that implies at least one act of inter-species aggression." Scientists are continuing to refine their understanding of early Homo sapiens and Neanderthals, with hopes of also resolving the mystery of how the latter species went extinct while we did not. Past research has yielded conflicting evidence on interbreeding between the two species, but the new study clearly shows the opposite of affection. In fact, another Neanderthal skeleton dating back some 36,000 years and found in France showed signs of a scalp injury likely caused by a sharp object that may have been delivered by a modern human at the time, Churchill said. "So if the Shanidar 3 case is also a case of inter-specific violence and if Shandiar 3 overlaps in time with modern humans, we're beginning to get a little bit of a pattern here." Competition for resources with modern humans, along with other factors, may have also played a role in the die-off of Neanderthals, the researchers say. So there you go, the murder weapon: A spear. The evidence: A body with a spear wound. The motive: Survival via gang violence, self-defense, a wife interbreeding with the Neanderthal, who knows? More questions than answers at this point...but we'll see if the authorities can get to the bottom of this on the next episode of Law & Order (dun duh).

Gidget Es Muerto - Gidget the Chihuahua, the bug-eyed, big-eared star of 1990s Taco Bell commercials who was a diva on and off the screen, has died. She was 15 years old. Gidget suffered a massive stroke late Tuesday night at her trainer's home in Santa Clarita and had to be euthanized, said Karin McElhatton, owner of Studio Animal Services in Castaic, which owned the dog. Although she was hard of hearing, Gidget was otherwise in good health up to the day of her death, eating well and playing with her favorite squeaky toys at the home of trainer Sue Chipperton, McElhatton said. "She was retired. She lived like a queen, very pampered," McElhatton said. Gidget was found at a kennel and wasn't show quality with an undershot jaw and huge ears...but Gidget knew she was a star, McElhatton said. "She was a prima donna, basically. She absolutely knew when she was on camera." In a 1997 Taco Bell television commercial, Gidget was seen as a male dog who, through the magic of special effects and a voice actor, proclaims in a richly accented voice: "Yo quiero Taco Bell" — Spanish for "I want Taco Bell." Viewers were charmed. What was supposed to be a single ad became a campaign that ran from 1997 to 2000. The ads made the Taco Bell mascot wildly popular, although they provoked criticism from activists who accused them of promoting Hispanic stereotypes. While other Chihuahuas had bit parts, McElhatton said it was Gidget who got the close-ups and the quips (Carlos Alazraqui of Reno 911 was the voice). Gidget traveled first-class, opened up the New York Stock Exchange and made an appearance at Madison Square Garden. In later years, she did other acting work, appearing in a 2002 commercial for the insurance company GEICO and in the 2003 movie "Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde." She remained the object of affection after her retirement, going on hikes and beach visits with her trainer. She aged gracefully, and liked nothing more than to snooze in the sun. "She was like a little old lady. She'd kind of gotten smaller." Gidget will be cremated. Her owners had not decided on a final disposition of her remains. Taco Bell Corp. said in a statement Gidget would be missed by many. "Our deepest sympathies go out to her owners and fans." Now I'm hungry for a Chicken Grilled Stuft Burrito. Damn you Gidget!!!

Your Next President - Ladies & gentlemen, I apologize. I said over two years ago...that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be President in 2012...and I still think it's true...but sometimes, I have to wonder if he takes the job seriously. Normally, when a tall, muscular man (possibly cyborg) wields a 2-foot-long knife on-camera, it's usually not for a thank-you video...but that's what the Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger has done on his Twitter account, where the Republican actor-turned-governor posted a video message Tuesday thanking followers for their budget-balancing ideas as the state tries to fix a $26 billion deficit. In the video, he sits at his desk in the state Capitol admiring a 2-foot-long folding knife before addressing viewers and saying he likes one follower's suggestion to autograph a fleet of state-owned vehicles being put up for auction on Craigslist and eBay. "You come up with the great ideas. Why not just sign the cars since you're a celebrity governor? Sign the cars and sell it for more money. That's exactly what we're going to do." The governor's spokesman, Aaron McLear, said the knife was a gift from a friend and arrived Tuesday, and that the governor is serious about signing the auctioned vehicles. The auction, planned for late August, was prompted by tips from state employees and put into motion through an executive order. Officials estimate that selling 15 percent of California's 40,000 government vehicles could raise about $24 million. Schwarzenegger defended the Twitter video Wednesday when asked by a reporter whether it was appropriate at a time when the state is making deep cuts that are affecting the lives of the poor, elderly, children, college students and government employees. The state also is trying to close the budget gap by furloughing state workers three days a month. Schwarzenegger said he shot the Web clip because he does not want to be seen as "El Stiffo," suggesting previous governors were less colorful than he is (hmm, some might say...Grey). The governor said he doesn't enjoy making budget cuts but does need to keep his sense of humor. "Not that I have fun with making the cuts — they sadden me — but ... that doesn't mean that you cannot wave a knife around, or to wave your sword around, to get the message across that certain cuts have to be made because it's budget time," Schwarzenegger said during the news conference. Under a compromise plan he reached earlier this week with legislative leaders, the state would cut $6 billion from K-12 schools and community colleges, as well as $3 billion from state universities. Prisons, health care and welfare programs also would be cut. The revised budget plan is scheduled to be considered Thursday in the Legislature. McLear said the governor made the clip because he wants to respond to innovative ideas, wherever they originate. The video had received more than 33,000 hits by Wednesday afternoon. It's a great approach in my opinion. It shows that (though through the filter of his subsidiaries) that the people are being listened to...and they're trying to have a feasible state budget and get back to stability instead of a 12% unemployment and fire season's about to start up there in California too. Sure, he may have married into political prestige and won a popularity vote against Gary Coleman...but at least he's making an effort...and he realizes that where he lacks, he's not afraid to ask others for help and suggestions...and when the decision needs to be made, he has the testicular fortitude to do something about it. That's the kind of leader I want. That...and have you seen the guy swing a broadsword? I mean...I haven't recently...but he knew his stuff at one time...and I assume being a warrior of epic proportions is a lot like riding a bike. Anyway, that's just my take...and I really wanted to post this picture in the right context. Take THAT, print newspapers!!!

Well, that'll do it for today. Big weekend planned so it may be a few days before you hear from me...but rest assured, I already have a few incredible new stories ready to share...and I'll be drinking, so maybe some more crazy ass dreams too. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Happy Pioneer Day!!!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Sexual Her Ass Mint

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday I was surprisingly lazy...but then again, I was really tired all day from waking up early for work...even after a Powernap. I think the heat has something to do with it too. You know, being in Vegas and its 115 degrees for a few days...and then coming home to a crisp cool 98 degrees here in Utah for a few days. Summer's awesome. Anyway, enough about all that. Today at work, I guessed it, yet another sexual harassment training. This one had a company video made in 1993 (and the fashion showed) but yeah, it was pretty hard hitting. Then I thought back to my professional career...and the massive amount of innuendo ("in your end-o") and conversations that've gone on at the workplace (you ALL were part of them, I'm sure) and yeah, it's a good thing I'm charming. If I make anybody uncomfortable though, feel free to let me know. I'll stop. I try to keep it PG-13. On that note, here's the news...

Where Do You Like To Stick Yours? - In London, a saucy radio advert for sausages which encouraged listeners to reveal "where you like to stick yours" was criticized by Britain's advertising watchdog on Wednesday. The ads for Mattesons smoked sausages elicited 21 complaints from listeners who said they were offensive because of the sexual innuendo ("in your end-o") and should not have been aired when children were likely to be listening (to the radio?). One ad suggests, "Think about all the things you can stick this tasty, extraordinarily large sausage in. Mmm... Pizza, pasta, stir fry. You have any ideas? Give me a call and tell me where you like to stick it." Kerry Foods, which makes the sausages, said its adverts were intended to be tongue-in-cheek and were not designed to be offensive. The Advertising Standards Authority did not uphold the complaints about the innuendo because it was not sexually explicit, but said the ads could "cause harm to children." It ruled the ads should not be aired at times when they were likely to be heard by children. I'd like to see the Sexual Harassment training film for Kerry Foods...or any other sausage factory for that matter. It's just so...ripe for parody. For that matter, why not plumbers, carpet layers, or an assortment of other trades? I can just imagine the orientation video for a neighbor to my former employer, EVCO - House of Hose. "Here at EVCO, we pride ourselves on making the finest hose in the industry. If you need hose, we've got every kind to meet your needs. Wide hose, narrow hose, flexible hose, sturdy hose, soft hose, ribbed hose, kinky hose, every dimension and color, ready to fill any nook or cranny, whatever your desired need, we can make provide. You are now part of that team that specializes in providing the means to get those fluids flowing, anywhere, anytime. Welcome to EVCO, the House...of Hose. Now, I'll turn the time over to your trainer, Madame Sasha."

Flat Rate Brothels - Speaking of hose, prostitutes in Germany (Schlampen?) are fighting back against attempts by conservative politicians and some irate residents to stop popular "flat-rate" brothels. Officials in the state of Baden-Wuerttemberg launched moves to stop one brothel with a "flat-rate" fee system because they viewed it as inhumane for women to provide unlimited sexual services all day for a one-off 70 Euros (£60) fee (HWWWWWHAT???). But a group of 77 prostitutes bought advertising space in two national dailies to argue that this was simply a ruse to get brothels banned altogether. "Get off our backs -- no ban on brothels with or without 'flat rates'," read the headline in the quarter-page adverts. Under the guise of 'humane working conditions', they are in reality plotting to ban brothels and threaten our livelihood." For a 70 Euros charge customers are entitled to all the sex, food and drink they want between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. The evening flat rate rises to 100 Euros. Pussy Club operator (yes, that's her official title) Patricia Floreiu has said most customers leave after at most two sessions (probably with a huge smile on their face). There are at least four such "flat rate" brothels across Germany, a country where prostitution is legal (oh yeah). Heribert Rech, Baden-Wuerttemberg's Christian Democrat interior minister, has led a campaign against the "Pussy Club" establishment in the town of Fellbach, saying the "favorable price suggests women there are being exploited." But Juanita Henning, the leader of Dona Carmen in Frankfurt, told Reuters that critics want to reverse a 2002 law that gives prostitutes extensive legal rights and protection. "This is nothing more than a moral campaign. If they looked more closely at the offer they'd see a man can get all the sexual services he wants but not from one woman. It's pure ignorance and prejudice against the industry." So there you go...and I think you know which side of the argument I'm with. Let's see, a lunch special of about $100 for all the food, drink & sexual excess with a buffet of frauleins who know how to handle their sausage and their beer for a six-hour period in the middle of the day (or after a long hard one at work, the rate goes up another $50 for a similar situation) I side with a group that's trying to take away these girls' livelihoods and send them to the streets to fend for themselves in a crumbling economy? You tell me. I REFUSE to put these prostitutes on the streets. Wait...yeah. Yeah, that's right. It's cold out there on them streets. Especially in northern Germany...and there are bears out there...and maybe wolves too...and trolls. Are you suggesting that we feed these women to the TROLLS? How DARE you, Heribert Rech!!! For shame. I am going to do my part to show support for these women. Who wants to go to Germany with me? Let's make a stand...or preferably sit down...or even lie back and be fed black forest cake by eine huebsche maedchen while another Bavarian beauty struts holding two frosty mugs of Lowenbrau. Seriously, do you have any idea who much that costs here in the States? Even on your birthday? By the way, ladies, that's another birthday idea...and you have until April to plan it out. Anyway, shame on you, Heribert!!!

Shame on Fort Myers - The mayor of a small southwest Florida town on Thursday defended the town council's decision to fire its city manager...after officials learned his wife is an adult film actress. Mayor Larry Kiker insisted that Scott Janke's termination had nothing to do with his spouse's job, that the town was merely trying to maintain order. "What we were addressing was a situation where we weren't going to be able to govern the town with all the disruption and interruption," Kiker said. The plan appears to have backfired. "I've done over 30 interviews (with media) ... I've gotten hundreds of e-mails, we're getting threatened. Nobody is getting any work done around here." Still, Kiker insisted that Janke wasn't fired because of his wife's job. "We didn't fire him because his wife was a porn star," Kiker griped, adding that the decision wasn't a "knee-jerk reaction." However, the mayor also noted: "It was not his job performance. We all liked Scott ... He's a good guy." Kiker said he learned of Janke's wife's job after receiving a telephone call from a reporter on Tuesday. He said he then spoke to Janke, who agreed "this was going to be a big disruption for the town and he was not going to be able to do his job well." Within a few hours, Kiker had called an emergency town council meeting, and the group voted 5-0 to exercise a "no-cause" clause in Janke's contract, effectively firing him. Councilman Tom Babcock said at a council meeting Wednesday that Janke was fired because his wife's profession brought an inaccurate image to Fort Myers Beach. "When you become a public figure you are held to a different level of scrutiny and ethics," Babcock said at the meeting. Janke told The Associated Press on Wednesday night that he and his wife had their "heads held high." "We have done nothing to be embarrassed about. We've done nothing wrong," Janke said. He said it's too early to think about what's next, and wouldn't comment on any possible legal action. He will get a severance package worth six months salary, which comes to about $50,000, plus health benefits. Janke said he married Anabela Mota Janke, who goes by the stage name Jazella Moore, in October. He began working for the town in March 2008. Diane Duke, executive director of the Free Speech Coalition, a trade association for the adult entertainment industry, said the firing could present legal problems for the town. Duke said even with a "no-cause" clause in Jenke's contract, as a government employee he is still protected by the First Amendment (under the seldom-quoted freedom to f**k whoever I want stipulation insisted upon by Thomas Jefferson). "There may very well be a case here," she said. Meanwhile, the issue is the talk of the town. "Everyone who lives on the island has made comments," said Jaye Duval, owner of the Sole Cafe, who listened to all the gossip as residents gathered for morning coffee and breakfast. "Everybody I've heard has basically thought he should have been able to keep his job. Most people think what his wife does shouldn't matter." George Noakes, manager of the Sunflower Cafe in town, called it "prejudice." "I thought the guy was doing a good job. I don't understand why his wife is even an issue. Whatever she does, that's none of our concern. We shouldn't even be bothered with it." Think of it this way, the Governor of South Carolina still has his job, right? But this guy is unemployed because he married a wonderful woman who happens to make a few dollars in the adult entertainment industry. For shame, Fort Myers. You're now my least favorite city in Florida...passing Pensacola...and that was only because some people insist on calling it P-Cola...and that's just gross. You've passed it though. I can't even look at you. I'm changing the subject back to innuendo & metaphor.

I'd Plow Her Field - Farmers in an eastern Indian state have asked their unmarried daughters to plough parched fields naked in a bid to embarrass the weather gods to bring some badly needed monsoon rain, officials said on Thursday. Witnesses said the naked girls in Bihar state ploughed the fields and chanted ancient hymns after sunset to invoke the gods. They said elderly village women helped the girls drag the ploughs (I'm assuming clothed). "They (villagers) believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains," Upendra Kumar, a village council official, said from Bihar's remote Banke Bazaar town. "This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily." India this year suffered its worst start to the vital monsoon rains in eight decades, causing drought in some states. So to recap, farmers have asked their unwed (so I'm assuming virgin in their culture) plough (or plow in the President's English) their dry barren fields...while naked. Why? To EMBARASS the weather gods, who in their obvious embarrassment (which must be the same Hindu word for "arousal") while drench their fields (and their daughters) with their sweet life-giving god juice and make their fields fertile. I may not understand their logic or their culture or their mythology...but I like the end result...and I can understand where it came from. I have ideas like this all the time...but I never share it with the townspeople and try to convince their daughters to run around naked in a field...but perhaps I should from now on. "Okay everybody, I know we've had a rough season...especially on the economic front...but I have a solution. What we need to have our unwed & virtuous daughters, 18 years & older, to spend their evenings dancing around in as little clothing as possible. This will cause dollar bills to be brought forth by passersby...or perhaps falling from the people in upstairs apartments, as the Bible says, make it rain. Ladies & gentlemen, our economic problems will be over." "That's ridiculous." "I assume you madam, it is not. It has worked in the past for single mothers, college students, crack addicts, club hoppers, fire starters, miller's daughters and every other kind of daughter out there since time was time. I have researched it...thoroughly. And believe me when I say thoroughly. I'm just coming up with solutions here. Please, if you have any better ideas, feel free to share them." "Well, if we put money back into our infrastructure, then the..." "OH YES!!! Put MORE money into our inferstructure. It's worked well so far. I'm sorry madam...but the time has come to stop putting money into inferstructure...and start putting more money in-her-structure." Hmm, maybe I should start doing that...

Apocalypsssssss - So in my ongoing coverage of the forecoming Apocalypse being brought upon by demon snakes, I give you this update...again, from India. A stray snake brought parliament to a standstill for several hours on Thursday in India's Orissa state, officials said. A cleaner spotted the intruder, believed to be a king cobra (or at least was planning to crown itself King Cobra), while sweeping in the morning and called the assembly's watchman. The speaker of the assembly in the state capital Bhubaneswar adjourned the house as security personnel, wildlife officials and a member of a local snake helpline searched unsuccessfully for the creature with the help of a sniffer dog. Snakes are straying more frequently into built-up areas because construction has driven the reptiles out of their habitat, according to wildlife expert Biswajit Mohanty. So yes, they have moved from taking over police stations...and are now going straight to parliament to bring legislation to a standstill...and then vanishing like a ninja...leaving behind a sense of terror and dread. The funniest they're not even sure if it was a king cobra...or really there for that matter. Government was shut down by what might have been a snake caught out of the corner of the eye of a janitor. I feel safe. How about you? Prepare for the rapture.

Well, that'll do it for today. Obviously a little more lighthearted and sexier than the past few entries...but I know that's what you ladies like. My sexual harassment class taught me that earlier today. Please correct me if I've been misinformed. Tonight my friend Spitsofrantic is performing a few blocks from my house at the Hookah Lounge downtown at 268 S Main Street right here in Slick City. Come be part of the Hip Hop Revolution...and I'll buy you a drink. Have a great night everybody!!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Royale Wit Cheese

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

My phone simply stopped working for about...twelve hours yesterday...and I have no idea why...but it apparently started working just in time for me to try to go to bed because of an early workday today...and over a dozen text messages came in around 11 PM last night...and my brother called around midnight...and he asked me what I thought about the new Transformers...and I basically spent the next half hour telling him how stupid I thought it was...and then said, "Look dude, I've got to get to sleep, so we'll just watch it together sometime...and I'll explain bit by bit what I think was stupid, okay?" So there you go. That was my yesterday. Exciting, right?

Great Steve Bankrupt - Court records show actor Stephen Baldwin is millions of dollars in debt and has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. A filing Tuesday in federal court in New York shows that Baldwin owes $1.2 million in two mortgages on a property about 30 miles north of New York City valued at $1.1 million. The document shows he also owes more than $1 million in taxes and has about $70,000 in credit card debt. His wife, Kennya Baldwin, is also named in the filing. Baldwin's lawyer, Bruce Weiner (tehehe), did not immediately return a message left for him late Tuesday. Baldwin has appeared in several films including "The Usual Suspects" and "Bio-Dome." Last month, he left the Costa Rican set of the NBC show "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" after he said he got more than 125 insect bites in eight days. Now, it's amazing to hear that somebody can get millions of dollars in debt by surprise. Sure, he was tied up in a lot of real estate and had two mortgages on a home...but come on man, there had to be signs that your career was on the I don't know, starring in a reality TV series. I know the economy is tough (believe me) but I just can't see the great Steve Baldwin being turned down in an interview for a job at Wal-Mart or a check cashing place or something. "Hi, I'm Bob. Nice to meet you. Please, have a seat. Hmm, excuse me, you must get this all the time...but you look just like Stephen Baldwin's older brother." "Here's my resume." "Thank you. Oh my God. Oh my GOD!!! You''re Stephen f**king Baldwin!!!" "Yeah. I've been out of work for a while & I was checking through the classifieds and saw your..." "Dude! You're Stephen f**king Baldwin!!!" "Sir, I'm sorry could we..." "Do that think from the Usual Suspects! Gimme the cash you mother f**king c*cksucker!!!" "I'd rather not sir. Can we just..." "Come on, man. I'll give you the job..." "GIMME THE CASH YOU MOTHER F**KING C*CKSUCKAAAAH!!!" Another interesting thing, google images of Stephen Baldwin...and tell me if you think you're looking at the same Magnum look from Zoolander in all the pictures too.

New Silly Romance Movie? - Tell me if you see this as a preview for a chick flick. A British man (let's say, Hugh Grant) and his Spanish former sweetheart (Penelope Cruz?) have finally married 16 years after they drifted apart, reunited by a love letter lost behind a fireplace for over a decade, reports said on Monday. Okay, so their names are really Steve Smith and Carmen Ruiz-Perez, both now 42. They fell in love 17 years ago when she was a foreign exchange student in Brixham, southwest England, and got engaged after only a year together...but their relationship ended after she moved France to run a shop in Paris. A few years later, in a bid to rekindle their love, Smith sent a letter to her mother's home in Spain. It was placed on the mantelpiece, but slipped down behind the fireplace and was lost for over a decade. The missing missive was only found when builders removed the fireplace during renovation work. "When I got the letter I didn't phone Steve right away because I was so nervous," Ruiz-Perez told the Herald Express local newspaper. "I nearly didn't phone him at all. I kept picking up the phone then putting it down again...but I knew I had to make the call." When they were reunited, it was as if time had stood still, said Smith, a factory supervisor. "When we met again it was like a film. We ran across the airport into each other's arms. We met up and fell in love all over again. Within 30 seconds of setting eyes on each other we were kissing. I'm just glad the letter did eventually end up where it was supposed to be," he said, after the couple married last Friday. Sweet, right? Maybe a bit too cheesy for real life? Well, allegedly it happened, so deal with it cynics. Filming for "Carmen, My Sweet" starts in March. I'll keep you posted on who gets cast as the respective quirky friends.

Oldest Mom Dies - She devoted years to caring for her mother, who died at age 101. Then Maria del Carmen Bousada embarked on a quest to become a mom herself. She lied to a California fertility clinic to skirt its age limit, and later pointed to her mother's longevity as a reason to expect she'd be around to care for her kids. At age 66 she had twins, becoming the world's oldest new mom — and raising questions about maternity so late in life. Now she is dead at age 69, leaving behind boys not yet 3. Bousada's brother told the Diario de Cadiz newspaper his sister died Saturday, though he did not disclose the cause (we'll just say screaming orgasm leading to cardiac arrest so it's not so tragic). Bousada said in November that she was being treated for stomach cancer. Shortly after her sons, Pau and Christian, were born in December 2006, Bousada reflected on her decision to deceive doctors in order to have a family. "I think everyone should become a mother at the right time for them," she told the British tabloid News of the World, which showed her beaming as she cradled her 1-month-old infants, both dressed in pale blue pajamas. "Often circumstances put you between a rock and a hard place, and maybe things shouldn't have been done in the way they were done, but that was the only way to achieve the thing I had always dreamed of, and I did it." Truly tragic. I guess the bright side is that she got to live out her dream for the last few years of her life...but now those young boys are without a mother...and hopefully her brother or some other family member can take them in.

Well, we can't end today on a sour note like let's see...what do the people want? How about something show you all that dreams do come true? Enjoy.

Have a great day everybody!!!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Happy Birthday Bubbles

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Please don't worry. I'm feeling a LOT better than I did yesterday now that I've gotten some food and basically I had a sandwich over the course of about 42 hours between Saturday night and Monday lunchtime. You know, it happens. You worry so much that you just forget to eat for a while...and it catches up with you...but all better now...and on that note, a happy birthday to Bubbles and Boss Lady K (from Denver) who are both celebrating two different states...that aren't Utah. many of my friends are moving all over the country. As long as they're happy, that's what's important...and if not, they know they can give me a call and I'll cheer them up...and usually come visit.

More big news, the Wingmans will be visiting this weekend...and we're going to hang out, go see my mom up at the Fortress of Solitude, and then go to BB's birthday bash / karaoke jam Saturday night too. It's gonna be a hella fun time...and who knows, you may get to have me sing you a little number and make your panties melt like butter on a muffin. It wouldn't be the first time I've had that effect on someone...ladies. Anyway, yeah, the Wingmans are coming!!! Super excited. They're a little peeved at me for going to Vegas without them this past weekend...but for some reason, they and Bubbles don't get along. That's okay though. They're all good friends of mine...and they don't need to get along to be my long as they get along with me. We'll have our own little Vegas Vacation when I go to check out their new house here in the next little while. It'll be awesome...and hopefully won't end up in the ER like this last one...but we are pretty wild together.

Speaking of wild, does anybody else have fond memories of the sketch comedy show "The Upright Citizens Brigade"? I have it now from Netflix and I think it's just about the funniest & craziest sketch show ever...but I've asked a few friends about it...and apparently they've missed it. It was basically the show that made Amy Poehler a big enough star to join SNL and then do those movies like "Hamlet 2" and "Baby's Mama" but yeah, it's hilarious. I would highly suggest checking it I have been since I got back yesterday.

I also forgot to review a movie that I watched Friday called "Two Girls & A Guy" starring Robert Downey jr & Heather Graham. It's probably because it's not a particularly good movie in my opinion...but here we go. The story is about two girls who met each other waiting outside of an apartment complex. See, they're both waiting for their boyfriend...but then realize that it's the same guy (Downey). So they break into his apartment through the fire escape to surprise him...and basically tear him a new a-hole. However, through the magic of fluffery and talking really really fast (like Juno or something), they start to find out new things about each other...and then it just gets really dumb (again, in my opinion). Personally, I wouldn't recommend it...but if you're into those movies like...I don't know, "Chasing Amy", "Reality Bites" and basically a bunch of other movies that I've never seen about dating drama where they just talk and talk and talk and everybody has neuroses and their communication skills are lacking and they don't know how to express their feelings and all that stuff, then yeah, go ahead and check it out. I thought it was based on a play...and was just pointless...and so I bring you the news...

We've ALL Been Here - One giant steel wiener. An opening that just isn't quite big enough. One southern Wisconsin homeowner is probably not in love with the Oscar Mayer wiener...but it doesn't mean they still can't be friends. The famed hot dog's Wienermobile crashed Friday into the deck and garage of a home in Mount Pleasant, about 35 miles south of Milwaukee. Police said the driver was trying to turn the Wienermobile around in the driveway and thought she was moving in reverse (or pulling out...of the driveway). Instead, she went forward and hit the home. It sat in the driveway as if it were stuck in the garage Friday afternoon. No one was home and no one was injured. No citations were immediately issued. Both the home and vehicle suffered moderate damage, which Oscar Mayer spokeswoman Sydney Lindner says insurance will cover. Police hadn't been able to speak to the homeowner as of early Friday evening. Honestly I just wanted to mention this because...well, it's the Wienermobile...and just look at the picture and tell me that isn't absolutely hilarious. If you're thinking this is low brow, then why don't you check out this commercial that Lilie sent me all the way from Germany. She knows what I like.

95 Feces - A man faces criminal mischief charges after he allegedly defecated on a downtown Elgin, Iowa sidewalk and smeared feces on the door of a building. Authorities said the building houses the Valley Community Coalition. Officials believe the man targeted the organization, but they aren't sure why. Matthew J. Sodoma, 21, was arrested early Thursday and was also charged with defecating on a public sidewalk or building. Fayette County Sheriff Marty Fisher said the man's action defies the basic morals of the community and was unacceptable. Authorities said the charges are misdemeanors and are punishable by a fine between $65 and $650 and up to 30 days in jail. "What're you in for?" "Crappin' on the sidewalk...and then smearing it on a door." "Man! That's hardcore." I understand the whole logic of when you gotta go, you gotta go...and I've been known to protest using my own man-made fecal matter as my medium of justice (thank God, DNA analysis is considered too expensive for misdemeanors) but you don't do it in broad daylight. Even if you do, don't get caught brown-handed. These darn young'uns don't know anything about making a brown marker. So much to learn. Perhaps I shall teach Mr Sodoma. It may help take a few of those community service hours off my record. I mean...what? Community service? That's a ugh...hobby. Yeah. I enjoy picking up trash...and reading to kids. WHAT'S THAT???

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "You Liven Any bed." - Okay, that's just lame. However, on that note, on the Upright Citizens Brigade, they have a nice little skit about the whole " bed" fortune cookie thing with messages like "You always have trouble finishing what you bed" or "You're bed" and "People keep asking you if it's in bed. OH COME ON!!! That one doesn't even make sense unless you add in bed." So yeah, I would again recommend checking out that show if you get the chance.

Anyway, that'll probably do it for today. Very excited for this weekend...and heard that Barbie & Bubbles are doing better that takes a load off my mind. My trips out there seem to end like that a lot. The first half will be awesome fun...and the second half is usually me playing nurse...but it's still a lot of fun...and at least I'm there for whoever's in need of assistance...and I'm usually pretty tired by that point of the trip anyway. What with the late nights & what-have-you. Anyway, glad they're doing well. Have a great day everybody!!!

Monday, July 20, 2009

The First Half Was Amazing

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, as the title will foretell, the first half of the trip to Vegas was super awesome delicious...while the second half kinda sucked...but it could've been a lot worse. Let's see, where to start?

Friday, I watched some movies. While in Utah, it was "Vertigo" starring Jimmy Stewart & Kim Novak...and I think that I really like Hitchcock movies. It's the story of a detective (Stewart) that's afraid of heights and resigns from the San Francisco police after a traumatic experience. Then an old classmate of his contacts him as a private detective to trail his wife and find out the meaning behind her mysterious behavior. Well, what follows is a tale of murder, intrigue, betrayal, Love, Passion, ghosts, obsession, revenge from beyond the grave and a whole lot of other dark, twisted and awesome know, without all the gore and stuff that you see nowadays. I would highly recommend it. Genuinely creepy throughout...and a great nailbiter if you're into that stuff...which I am in this case. Go rent it today.

Later on, I hung out with my dad for a few hours and we watched one of Lilie's favorite movies, "Ratatouille" which I'm sure you all have already been forced to see at least once being within 50 feet of children in the past year. It's a cute little story about a rat who wants to be a great chef...and the busboy who's his little puppet. Just go check it out. It's Disney & you know that you'll love it. Don't even try to deny it. Still say that French food is overrated...but Lilie did promise to make me some ratatouille to prove me wrong. We shall see.

That evening, I finally flew over to Vegas, Bubbles & Harpie picked me up at the airport and we went straight to the Strip to get some jello shots and watch "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" starring Megan Fox and...who the hell cares? Now, when I watched the first one, it surprised me how good it was given the material to work with...and Michael Bay directing (and knew that Megan Fox was going to be HUGE). This one though, pretty much lost me. Now, for an action flick, yeah it has a lot of nice CGI robots kicking some ass and all...but don't even try to comprehend the story because there's so many loopholes and nonsensical character development that it just becomes really cheesy, metaphorical and seems...about 45 minutes too long for some reason. Then again, that may have been the few slow-motion shots of Megan Fox running...which seemed to go on for a while...but I doubt it was 45 minutes. Towards the end, I basically leaned over to Bubbles and said, "Are you sh*tting me?" She agreed...but hey, it was just a little too cheesy for my taste. That's all. I'm sure my brother still thinks it's the greatest movie ever made...but I would strongly disagree. I'd say...not even the best that I watched on Friday. One last thought...

Saturday, Bubbles & I went to a weekend work get-together at one of her boss' cribs (very very nice) and we had a nice selection of food & beverages including pineapple mojitos and mango sangria...and there was Guitar Hero World a good time was had. Afterwards, we went to get my present for Bubbles, a wonderful little lamp that meets her needs ten times better than the one she was currently using - adjustable (dimmer), esthetically pleasing, and best of and no assembly required (to/by her). I also got to see Keanna & Barbie...and Keanna was SUPER excited to see me, her Cookie. Because it was Bubbles' birthday, I didn't get to spend a lot of time hanging out with Keanna...but she got me a present...and you'll get to see it later.

That night, we went to Fremont Street and some of the bars in that area. First up with Hogs & Heffers, which is basically like a biker bar...with with girls in leather bikinis dancing on the bar ala Coyote Ugly...and it was a lot of fun (but the drinks were HELLA expensive). After that, we went to the Griffin, which was a little more low key (even darker than the biker bar but more contemporary per se) and we had a few drinks there too (I cut myself off early being the designated driver). Then we went to PT's and had a good time there until about 3 AM then headed for home. I had made sure that nobody drank TOO much to not enjoy their Sunday...but apparently there were other plans in store.

So, long story trying to be shorter, about 4 AM, Bubbles is complaining about her stomach hurting...but not the usual drunk stuff...and basically for the next ten hours or so, she isn't doing good. Trying to go to sleep but having to get up every thirty minutes or so to pray to the porcelain god...and of course, I'm playing the role of nurse making sure that she has a wet washcloth, ice water and the fan blowing when she's feeling too hot...or covering her in blankets when she's cold...and trying to make her feel better...but obviously after a while it was just beyond my then we went to the ER. Now, for those of you who don't know, the hospital is just about my least favorite place in the world. Not a lot of good memories (other than going to see Vinny for the first time) and it just wears on me. There's a reason that I wasn't a doctor...and it wasn't the memorization of body parts & functions. It was everything else.

How does it wear on me? Well, picture that you've been up for about 30 hours straight at this point...and the last ten or so watching somebody that you care about in horrible pain and there's really nothing that you can do for her...and you feel like it's your fault because you were the one who enabled her to drink...even if you were keeping an eye on her...and of course, the ER is full of similar stories. Whether it's the guy who passed out from dehydration in the 120 degree weather (later found to have certain herbs in his bloodstream) or an elderly man from the VA who hit his head and has no idea where he is or what's going on and has to be restrained because he keeps hitting himself on the bump on his head...and keeps crying out, "Please help me! Please help me! Where am I?" and no matter how many times you answer him or try to keep him focused, it continues...for hours. Meanwhile, I'm there trying to keep an upbeat attitude and making sure that my friend knows that I'm there for her...and everything's going to be okay...and try to put her at ease with some human contact, a gentle brush here, a reassuring word there, yet trying not to be funny because laughing makes everything hurt incredibly. Then they do the blood work, ultrasounds, cat scans, everything trying to find out what her ailment is. It just wasn't the greatest place to be for anybody...but I had to be strong and hope that it helped her somehow in the pain that she was in...and I did it. I held out. What really helped was that I could gradually see the color going back into her cheeks and I even caught a glance of a smile here and there when I rubbed her it was all worth it. Besides, the only reason that I mention how I because it's my blog. In the grand scheme, it doesn't matter how I feel...because it's all about her feeling better. Enough of my ranting on that...

Well, after about five hours, they found out what they think was wrong and gave her some prescriptions to help with the pain and nausea...and she's doing much better. Obviously, we spent the night at home watching "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" marathons after no wild sendoff for $teve or anything...but that's historically how it works out anyway. No bother. I was exhausted anyway. However, through the night I was still a little worried, especially when I would start to doze off and then hear a cough down the hall and would rush to see if she was okay. Basically, to put me at ease, I slept at the foot of her bed right next to her dog Brutus. How sad is that? Anyway, it helped put both of us at ease...and though it wasn't the greatest slumber of my life, I caught a few resting moments here and there.

This morning, we woke up around 7:15 and headed for the airport...but didn't get there until 7:55 AM. No bother, my plane doesn't leave for 45 it should be fine...or so I thought. "Sir, did you know that your flight leaves in about 15 minutes?" "What? I thought it was 8:40." "Nope, it's 8:20. If you think you can make it in that time though, I'll put a rush on this bag." "How's security?" Shrugs shoulders, "Are you a good runner?" "Like O.J. in those Hertz commercials as long as Homeland doesn't tackle me." "You should be fine then." Then what followed was about everything that could go wrong in such a scenario. Families blocking entire hallways, moving walkway construction, old people dropping pockets of change in the security line, no trays to put my pocket stuff in...or my shoes that are painful to take off (by the way, I pulled a muscle in my lower back Saturday night while helping an inebriated woman and not bending at the knees) and just about everything else...but I was jogging like a champ (a stinky champ...but a champ nonetheless) and made it just in time for them to let me on the plane. As luck would have it...the only seat left on the full flight...was on the front row with plenty of leg room. How's that for Karma giving me a high five?

Then I flew home, took a shower, and basically started typing out this thing. Now I'm probably going to go take a nap or something, since you're all caught up. Also, please say a little prayer for Bubbles and Barbie, who was sick this morning when we were it very well may have not been the drinking at all that led to the ER originally suspected. Maybe I was a good watchdog. Who knows? So yeah, please send them well wishes in your thoughts...and send out a few to all the people that you care about too. They deserve it. Have a great day everybody!!!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Number One Super Guy

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I was a little bored and thought that I'd give you a little something something to remember me over this long weekend. Also, remember the other day when I showed those shotty pictures of France that looked like they were taken by in 1880's? Well, I'll have you know that there are better pictures that I have in a photo album at my mom's...but they haven't scanned...but I'm thinking about doing so next time I'm up at her house so that I can share some of the good ones with you too. You're welcome. Play your cards right...and you may also get to see Greece, all sorts of Italy, Switzerland, Austria, Liechtenstein, Germany, Great Britain, Scotland, Jamaica, South Korea, China, and other mystical lands. Until then, here's some news...

Kevorkian Biopic - That's right. You read it correctly. Susan Sarandon (a.k.a. the woman who never sleeps) and John Goodman have joined the cast of the Jack Kevorkian biopic "You Don't Know Jack" for HBO Films says The Hollywood Reporter. Of course, Al Pacino stars as Kevorkian, known as Dr. Death, who assisted in more than 130 suicides. After willingly sending a videotape of himself euthanizing a terminally ill man to "60 Minutes," he was convicted in 1999 of second-degree murder and spent eight years in prison. The HBO film follows Kevorkian's (Pacino) rise as he builds his infamous Mercy Machine and sets out to perform assisted suicides while waging an epic legal battles defending a patient's right to die. Goodman will play Nicol, a friend and co-worker of Kevorkian since 1961 and a steadfast supporter of the right to die. Sarandon will play Janet Good, an activist with the Hemlock Society who becomes one of Jack's staunchest supporters, working side by side with him to make humane suicide available to the terminally ill and suffering. Barry Levinson directs from Adam Mazer's script which is loosely based on Neal Nicol and Harry Wylie's book "Between the Dying and the Dead". Sounds like a real cheer-me-up movie. I simply can't wait for it.

Number One Super Guy - A live-action combined with CG animation feature film based on classic 1970's Hanna-Barbera animated series "Hong Kong Phooey" is in the works at Alcon Entertainment reports Variety. The story follows a police station janitor who becomes a dog with mystical powers, including the ability to do kung fu. Alex Zamm is set to direct from "Family Guy" producer David Goodman's script. Broderick Johnson, Andrew Kosove, Brett Ratner and Jay Stern are producing. I can already hear the preview in the distant future...and I have five bucks that says it sounds like "Everybody was kung fu fiiiightiiiing (na-na na-na na-na na-na-na)" Sad thing is that I'll still watch it. Why? Martial arts...and I was a HUGE fan of the Hanna Barbera cartoon growing up (though not born until the early 80's). He's like Underdog...but with Kung Fu...and I'm curious who'll play Rosemary. Anyway, keep an eye out...and remember that you might owe me five bucks when the preview comes out.

Return of Remo - "The Destroyer", a film version of the Remo Williams vigilante novel series, is in the works over at Sony Pictures says Risky Biz Blog. Producers Charles Roven ("The Dark Knight") and Steve Chasman ("The Transporter") are set to produce while Charley and Vlas Parlapanides ("War of Gods") will pen the script for the project. Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir's books centered on Williams, a New Jersey cop convicted of a crime he didn't commit. Williams is sentenced to the electric chair, but his death is faked so he can be reborn as the vigilante character the Destroyer, joining a top-secret assassin squad set up by the government to operate outside the bounds of the law.With the help of an Asian assassin named Chiun, Williams also then wreaks havoc on the criminal underworld as well as on those who framed him. Fred Ward and Joel Grey starred in a 1985 feature film about the character. It should be awesome...but can they find a Remo more badass than Fred Ward? We shall see.

Machete Update - Do you remember the double feature movie "Grindhouse"? Of course you do. It was a fantastic double feature with some "fake" trailers that would actually make for some great low-brow movies ("Werewolf Women of the SS" is still my favorite). Well, apparently they're finally going to start on "Machete" which is about when happens when "you f**k with the wrong Mexican" and there's some interesting casting rumors going around about this next Robert Rodriguez flick. According to the site Bloody Disgusting, Michelle Rodriguez (TV's "Lost," "Fast and Furious" and several police reports) and Jonah Hill ("Superbad," "Funny People") are set to play Luz and Julio respectively, while the legendary Robert DeNiro has a small role as 'Senator McLaughlin'. The talk is just rumor for now (and I'm still a little bummed that Al Pacino didn't pop up as the head of Spectre in "Quantum of Solace"). Danny Trejo is set to return as the titular gun-toting Mexican while Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis are co-directing the project which begins filming July 29th (so it may be released during summer 2011, a mere four years after the preview was made). So is anybody else excited about "Inglorious Basterds" coming out in a few weeks?

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Just thought I'd catch you up on some movie news. Now I have to get packed and ready for Vegas for the weekend. Can't wait. Wish you could all come with me...but maybe next time. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Where Should I Go Next?