Don't Hit On Telemarketers

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, happy birthday to my Uncle Doug!!! This is my third time mentioning his birthday on this blog...but he's a cool cat & I hope that I get to get drunk with him very soon...even though he's inexplicably a Raiders Fan...but hey, whatraya gonna do?

Today was my day off...and though I know that you hope I was out entertaining myself in some manner, it wasn't exactly that way. First off, I'd been getting a few calls from a credit bureau for some reason...but they wouldn't give me details as to what it was about...just an automated message to call them back...and enter my account number for assistance. "Ugh...don't know what it's about. How about you get me a human being in a third world nation please?" After a few more messages, the machine gave up on me (advantage human) and put me in contact with a loveable lady with an accent. After much clarification of words used, she was able to let me know that it was Men's Wearhouse that wanted my money...but she couldn't tell me why. Not gonna fly. So I went to nearest Men's Wearhouse, asked the gentleman at the front desk what was on my bill...and there was nothing. Really? Okay, so I call back the credit company and inform them of this new finding. They now said that there was a fee double what I was quoted earlier...and at least the gentleman on the line now, we'll call him Derka Derka, explained that it was because WHEN I PAID MY BILL IN FULL BACK IN MARCH, the check wasn't processed until three weeks after I sent it in (not my fault it had to go to India by boat to get processed) so there was a late fee of like ten bucks. Then...because I had updated my address...but the person (even after extensive clarification) came up with some address like 188 Arakttkohphiboe Street in Denver, CO 90202. There was a notice of this sent...somewhere between Colorado & Vladivlostock I would think...but not to me.

Well, blissfully unaware of all of this nonsense and thinking my account was paid up since I hadn't used my card since then, imagine my surprise when there was now an eighty buck charge on my account. "So let me get this straight, because you took three weeks to cash a check, can't spell, even phonetically, don't allow people to check their accounts online, or pay at the store, I have to give you $83.21?" "Yes sir." "(Sigh...) Super. Do you accept Visa card (you heartless clucksocker)?" "Yes. There is a $15 fee for using a credit card." "Really? For the convenience to both you and me...to avoid any other further f**kups on your part about cashing a check...that I would have to send to an address, that you would first have to send to me...when you can't even spell my address...there's a fee of fifteen bucks? Is that right?" "Yes sir." "Whatever. I hope you make more than fifteen cents an hour. My Visa number is..." I've worked these jobs before. I know it's not their fault that I get screwed...at least directly. They're just trying to put food on the table...and I think that I figured out why other nations hate Americans so much. Think about the contact that we have with them. I'd say 90% of the direct contact that we have with third world nations isn't Green Peace or humanity services...but some prick like me calling up angry as hell because there was a charge on my credit card for God knows what...or my computer's broken and I have a big report due to my boss the next morning...or I had no idea those 900 numbers are routed through Egypt. We cuss and talk down to them in fits of anger...and just think about it. Can you spell the names of their streets? God knows I can't. I couldn't even begin to tell you how to pronounce most things correctly...in English. I guess my point is...take a minute to see it from their point of view too. After giving my credit card info, I did say, "I'm sorry to talk down to you a bit there. I just...this was just a hundred bucks that I didn't plan on spending today because I thought this was all taken care of months ago. That's all. It caught me by surprise. I didn't mean to take it out on you." "Is no problem sir. At least you did not swear or insult my mother. (He must've blocked out my swearing)" "Hey, I've moved since the last statement that I got, would you mind updating my address for me so this doesn't happen again (at least for another few months)?" "Yes sir." Then we ended it with a thank you, have a nice day...and I'm sure he immediately went to another call from another prick mad about paying too much to talk to a bunch of hot coeds. Anyway, then I went grocery shopping, did some laundry, took a dip in the pool at the apartments, basked in the sun and told everybody the news...

The Gate Remake - Remember that horrible hilarious 80's flick starring an incredibly young Stephen Dorff called "The Gate"? Well, like any other flick that has ever existed, they're remaking it. H20 Motion Pictures is proceeding with a low-budget 3D remake of 1987 horror cult classic "The Gate" after financing finally got locked into place reports Bloody Disgusting. The original followed three young children who accidentally release a horde of nasty, pint-sized demons from a hole in a suburban backyard. The best part though...is that the OTHER GUY from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is going to direct it. Not Keanu. Actor turned director Alex Winter (a.k.a. Bill S Preston, esq.) will helm the project which will shoot at MMC Studios in Cologne later this Summer. MMC & H20 previously collaborated on Stephen Frears' "Cheri" currently in theaters. Pixomondo ("2012," "Ninja Assassin") will handle the film's effects. So there you go. Keep an eye out for what can only be a masterpiece.

MacGyver Remake - Okay, so it's not a MacGyver movie...but let's face it, Richard Dean Anderson is getting up there in the years...and the mullet doesn't fill up theatres (see "Joe Dirt"). However, Ryan Phillippe and Val Kilmer are in talks to star in a big-screen adaptation of the 'MacGruber' sketch from "Saturday Night Live" says Reuters. SNL alum Will Forte and Kristen Wiig are reprising their roles from the skits which are a comedic riff of 80's action show "MacGyver". In the skits, Forte plays MacGyver's son and Wiig as his assistant. The pair usually find themselves, and the week's guest star, stuck in a room with a ticking bomb which usually goes off due to MacGruber getting caught up in his own personal issues. The feature film takes a different tack though. In it, the much decorated MacGruber is pulled out of retirement as a monk in Ecuador by a colonel, who needs him once more to fight on behalf of his country. This time the mission involves going up against the evil Cunth (Kilmer), who has a nuclear warhead. The mission is personal because Cunth killed MacGruber's bride. Phillippe would play Piper, an Army officer forced to pair up with a reluctant MacGruber. Jorma Taccone will direct and co-wrote the script with Forte and John Solomon. Production begins next month in New Mexico. So...we may never see a MacGyver movie...or even an A-Team the way things are going...but at least we'll have a comedic parody...and that'll put asses in theatre seats...and that's what's important.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Sorry I ranted a little bit about my bills...but hey, we've all been there. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to try to take a hundred bucks off this month's rent somehow...and I'm hoping that Mitzy's down there willing to negotiate...over a bottle of wine and a three-pack. Have a great day everybody!!!