Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Yesterday I was surprisingly lazy...but then again, I was really tired all day from waking up early for work...even after a Powernap. I think the heat has something to do with it too. You know, being in Vegas and its 115 degrees for a few days...and then coming home to a crisp cool 98 degrees here in Utah for a few days. Summer's awesome. Anyway, enough about all that. Today at work, I had...you guessed it, yet another sexual harassment training. This one had a company video made in 1993 (and the fashion showed) but yeah, it was pretty hard hitting. Then I thought back to my professional career...and the massive amount of innuendo ("in your end-o") and conversations that've gone on at the workplace (you ALL were part of them, I'm sure) and yeah, it's a good thing I'm charming. If I make anybody uncomfortable though, feel free to let me know. I'll stop. I try to keep it PG-13. On that note, here's the news...
Where Do You Like To Stick Yours? - In London, a saucy radio advert for sausages which encouraged listeners to reveal "where you like to stick yours" was criticized by Britain's advertising watchdog on Wednesday. The ads for Mattesons smoked sausages elicited 21 complaints from listeners who said they were offensive because of the sexual innuendo ("in your end-o") and should not have been aired when children were likely to be listening (to the radio?). One ad suggests, "Think about all the things you can stick this tasty, extraordinarily large sausage in. Mmm... Pizza, pasta, stir fry. You have any ideas? Give me a call and tell me where you like to stick it." Kerry Foods, which makes the sausages, said its adverts were intended to be tongue-in-cheek and were not designed to be offensive. The Advertising Standards Authority did not uphold the complaints about the innuendo because it was not sexually explicit, but said the ads could "cause harm to children." It ruled the ads should not be aired at times when they were likely to be heard by children. I'd like to see the Sexual Harassment training film for Kerry Foods...or any other sausage factory for that matter. It's just so...ripe for parody. For that matter, why not plumbers, carpet layers, or an assortment of other trades? I can just imagine the orientation video for a neighbor to my former employer, EVCO - House of Hose. "Here at EVCO, we pride ourselves on making the finest hose in the industry. If you need hose, we've got every kind to meet your needs. Wide hose, narrow hose, flexible hose, sturdy hose, soft hose, ribbed hose, kinky hose, every dimension and color, ready to fill any nook or cranny, whatever your desired need, we can make provide. You are now part of that team that specializes in providing the means to get those fluids flowing, anywhere, anytime. Welcome to EVCO, the House...of Hose. Now, I'll turn the time over to your trainer, Madame Sasha."
Flat Rate Brothels - Speaking of hose, prostitutes in Germany (Schlampen?) are fighting back against attempts by conservative politicians and some irate residents to stop popular "flat-rate" brothels. Officials in the state of Baden-Wuerttemberg launched moves to stop one brothel with a "flat-rate" fee system because they viewed it as inhumane for women to provide unlimited sexual services all day for a one-off 70 Euros (£60) fee (HWWWWWHAT???). But a group of 77 prostitutes bought advertising space in two national dailies to argue that this was simply a ruse to get brothels banned altogether. "Get off our backs -- no ban on brothels with or without 'flat rates'," read the headline in the quarter-page adverts. Under the guise of 'humane working conditions', they are in reality plotting to ban brothels and threaten our livelihood." For a 70 Euros charge customers are entitled to all the sex, food and drink they want between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. The evening flat rate rises to 100 Euros. Pussy Club operator (yes, that's her official title) Patricia Floreiu has said most customers leave after at most two sessions (probably with a huge smile on their face). There are at least four such "flat rate" brothels across Germany, a country where prostitution is legal (oh yeah). Heribert Rech, Baden-Wuerttemberg's Christian Democrat interior minister, has led a campaign against the "Pussy Club" establishment in the town of Fellbach, saying the "favorable price suggests women there are being exploited." But Juanita Henning, the leader of Dona Carmen in Frankfurt, told Reuters that critics want to reverse a 2002 law that gives prostitutes extensive legal rights and protection. "This is nothing more than a moral campaign. If they looked more closely at the offer they'd see a man can get all the sexual services he wants but not from one woman. It's pure ignorance and prejudice against the industry." So there you go...and I think you know which side of the argument I'm with. Let's see, a lunch special of about $100 for all the food, drink & sexual excess with a buffet of frauleins who know how to handle their sausage and their beer for a six-hour period in the middle of the day (or after a long hard one at work, the rate goes up another $50 for a similar situation) or...do I side with a group that's trying to take away these girls' livelihoods and send them to the streets to fend for themselves in a crumbling economy? You tell me. I REFUSE to put these prostitutes on the streets. Wait...yeah. Yeah, that's right. It's cold out there on them streets. Especially in northern Germany...and there are bears out there...and maybe wolves too...and trolls. Are you suggesting that we feed these women to the TROLLS? How DARE you, Heribert Rech!!! For shame. I am going to do my part to show support for these women. Who wants to go to Germany with me? Let's make a stand...or preferably sit down...or even lie back and be fed black forest cake by eine huebsche maedchen while another Bavarian beauty struts holding two frosty mugs of Lowenbrau. Seriously, do you have any idea who much that costs here in the States? Even on your birthday? By the way, ladies, that's another birthday idea...and you have until April to plan it out. Anyway, shame on you, Heribert!!!
Shame on Fort Myers - The mayor of a small southwest Florida town on Thursday defended the town council's decision to fire its city manager...after officials learned his wife is an adult film actress. Mayor Larry Kiker insisted that Scott Janke's termination had nothing to do with his spouse's job, that the town was merely trying to maintain order. "What we were addressing was a situation where we weren't going to be able to govern the town with all the disruption and interruption," Kiker said. The plan appears to have backfired. "I've done over 30 interviews (with media) ... I've gotten hundreds of e-mails, we're getting threatened. Nobody is getting any work done around here." Still, Kiker insisted that Janke wasn't fired because of his wife's job. "We didn't fire him because his wife was a porn star," Kiker griped, adding that the decision wasn't a "knee-jerk reaction." However, the mayor also noted: "It was not his job performance. We all liked Scott ... He's a good guy." Kiker said he learned of Janke's wife's job after receiving a telephone call from a reporter on Tuesday. He said he then spoke to Janke, who agreed "this was going to be a big disruption for the town and he was not going to be able to do his job well." Within a few hours, Kiker had called an emergency town council meeting, and the group voted 5-0 to exercise a "no-cause" clause in Janke's contract, effectively firing him. Councilman Tom Babcock said at a council meeting Wednesday that Janke was fired because his wife's profession brought an inaccurate image to Fort Myers Beach. "When you become a public figure you are held to a different level of scrutiny and ethics," Babcock said at the meeting. Janke told The Associated Press on Wednesday night that he and his wife had their "heads held high." "We have done nothing to be embarrassed about. We've done nothing wrong," Janke said. He said it's too early to think about what's next, and wouldn't comment on any possible legal action. He will get a severance package worth six months salary, which comes to about $50,000, plus health benefits. Janke said he married Anabela Mota Janke, who goes by the stage name Jazella Moore, in October. He began working for the town in March 2008. Diane Duke, executive director of the Free Speech Coalition, a trade association for the adult entertainment industry, said the firing could present legal problems for the town. Duke said even with a "no-cause" clause in Jenke's contract, as a government employee he is still protected by the First Amendment (under the seldom-quoted freedom to f**k whoever I want stipulation insisted upon by Thomas Jefferson). "There may very well be a case here," she said. Meanwhile, the issue is the talk of the town. "Everyone who lives on the island has made comments," said Jaye Duval, owner of the Sole Cafe, who listened to all the gossip as residents gathered for morning coffee and breakfast. "Everybody I've heard has basically thought he should have been able to keep his job. Most people think what his wife does shouldn't matter." George Noakes, manager of the Sunflower Cafe in town, called it "prejudice." "I thought the guy was doing a good job. I don't understand why his wife is even an issue. Whatever she does, that's none of our concern. We shouldn't even be bothered with it." Think of it this way, the Governor of South Carolina still has his job, right? But this guy is unemployed because he married a wonderful woman who happens to make a few dollars in the adult entertainment industry. For shame, Fort Myers. You're now my least favorite city in Florida...passing Pensacola...and that was only because some people insist on calling it P-Cola...and that's just gross. You've passed it though. I can't even look at you. I'm changing the subject back to innuendo & metaphor.
I'd Plow Her Field - Farmers in an eastern Indian state have asked their unmarried daughters to plough parched fields naked in a bid to embarrass the weather gods to bring some badly needed monsoon rain, officials said on Thursday. Witnesses said the naked girls in Bihar state ploughed the fields and chanted ancient hymns after sunset to invoke the gods. They said elderly village women helped the girls drag the ploughs (I'm assuming clothed). "They (villagers) believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains," Upendra Kumar, a village council official, said from Bihar's remote Banke Bazaar town. "This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily." India this year suffered its worst start to the vital monsoon rains in eight decades, causing drought in some states. So to recap, farmers have asked their unwed (so I'm assuming virgin in their culture) daughters...to plough (or plow in the President's English) their dry barren fields...while naked. Why? To EMBARASS the weather gods, who in their obvious embarrassment (which must be the same Hindu word for "arousal") while drench their fields (and their daughters) with their sweet life-giving god juice and make their fields fertile. I may not understand their logic or their culture or their mythology...but I like the end result...and I can understand where it came from. I have ideas like this all the time...but I never share it with the townspeople and try to convince their daughters to run around naked in a field...but perhaps I should from now on. "Okay everybody, I know we've had a rough season...especially on the economic front...but I have a solution. What we need to do...is have our unwed & virtuous daughters, 18 years & older, to spend their evenings dancing around in as little clothing as possible. This will cause dollar bills to be brought forth by passersby...or perhaps falling from the skies...as people in upstairs apartments, as the Bible says, make it rain. Ladies & gentlemen, our economic problems will be over." "That's ridiculous." "I assume you madam, it is not. It has worked in the past for single mothers, college students, crack addicts, club hoppers, fire starters, miller's daughters and every other kind of daughter out there since time was time. I have researched it...thoroughly. And believe me when I say thoroughly. I'm just coming up with solutions here. Please, if you have any better ideas, feel free to share them." "Well, if we put money back into our infrastructure, then the..." "OH YES!!! Put MORE money into our inferstructure. It's worked well so far. I'm sorry madam...but the time has come to stop putting money into inferstructure...and start putting more money in-her-structure." Hmm, maybe I should start doing that...
Apocalypsssssss - So in my ongoing coverage of the forecoming Apocalypse being brought upon by demon snakes, I give you this update...again, from India. A stray snake brought parliament to a standstill for several hours on Thursday in India's Orissa state, officials said. A cleaner spotted the intruder, believed to be a king cobra (or at least was planning to crown itself King Cobra), while sweeping in the morning and called the assembly's watchman. The speaker of the assembly in the state capital Bhubaneswar adjourned the house as security personnel, wildlife officials and a member of a local snake helpline searched unsuccessfully for the creature with the help of a sniffer dog. Snakes are straying more frequently into built-up areas because construction has driven the reptiles out of their habitat, according to wildlife expert Biswajit Mohanty. So yes, they have moved from taking over police stations...and are now going straight to parliament to bring legislation to a standstill...and then vanishing like a ninja...leaving behind a sense of terror and dread. The funniest part...is they're not even sure if it was a king cobra...or really there for that matter. Government was shut down by what might have been a snake caught out of the corner of the eye of a janitor. I feel safe. How about you? Prepare for the rapture.
Well, that'll do it for today. Obviously a little more lighthearted and sexier than the past few entries...but I know that's what you ladies like. My sexual harassment class taught me that earlier today. Please correct me if I've been misinformed. Tonight my friend Spitsofrantic is performing a few blocks from my house at the Hookah Lounge downtown at 268 S Main Street right here in Slick City. Come be part of the Hip Hop Revolution...and I'll buy you a drink. Have a great night everybody!!!
Yesterday I was surprisingly lazy...but then again, I was really tired all day from waking up early for work...even after a Powernap. I think the heat has something to do with it too. You know, being in Vegas and its 115 degrees for a few days...and then coming home to a crisp cool 98 degrees here in Utah for a few days. Summer's awesome. Anyway, enough about all that. Today at work, I had...you guessed it, yet another sexual harassment training. This one had a company video made in 1993 (and the fashion showed) but yeah, it was pretty hard hitting. Then I thought back to my professional career...and the massive amount of innuendo ("in your end-o") and conversations that've gone on at the workplace (you ALL were part of them, I'm sure) and yeah, it's a good thing I'm charming. If I make anybody uncomfortable though, feel free to let me know. I'll stop. I try to keep it PG-13. On that note, here's the news...
Where Do You Like To Stick Yours? - In London, a saucy radio advert for sausages which encouraged listeners to reveal "where you like to stick yours" was criticized by Britain's advertising watchdog on Wednesday. The ads for Mattesons smoked sausages elicited 21 complaints from listeners who said they were offensive because of the sexual innuendo ("in your end-o") and should not have been aired when children were likely to be listening (to the radio?). One ad suggests, "Think about all the things you can stick this tasty, extraordinarily large sausage in. Mmm... Pizza, pasta, stir fry. You have any ideas? Give me a call and tell me where you like to stick it." Kerry Foods, which makes the sausages, said its adverts were intended to be tongue-in-cheek and were not designed to be offensive. The Advertising Standards Authority did not uphold the complaints about the innuendo because it was not sexually explicit, but said the ads could "cause harm to children." It ruled the ads should not be aired at times when they were likely to be heard by children. I'd like to see the Sexual Harassment training film for Kerry Foods...or any other sausage factory for that matter. It's just so...ripe for parody. For that matter, why not plumbers, carpet layers, or an assortment of other trades? I can just imagine the orientation video for a neighbor to my former employer, EVCO - House of Hose. "Here at EVCO, we pride ourselves on making the finest hose in the industry. If you need hose, we've got every kind to meet your needs. Wide hose, narrow hose, flexible hose, sturdy hose, soft hose, ribbed hose, kinky hose, every dimension and color, ready to fill any nook or cranny, whatever your desired need, we can make provide. You are now part of that team that specializes in providing the means to get those fluids flowing, anywhere, anytime. Welcome to EVCO, the House...of Hose. Now, I'll turn the time over to your trainer, Madame Sasha."
Flat Rate Brothels - Speaking of hose, prostitutes in Germany (Schlampen?) are fighting back against attempts by conservative politicians and some irate residents to stop popular "flat-rate" brothels. Officials in the state of Baden-Wuerttemberg launched moves to stop one brothel with a "flat-rate" fee system because they viewed it as inhumane for women to provide unlimited sexual services all day for a one-off 70 Euros (£60) fee (HWWWWWHAT???). But a group of 77 prostitutes bought advertising space in two national dailies to argue that this was simply a ruse to get brothels banned altogether. "Get off our backs -- no ban on brothels with or without 'flat rates'," read the headline in the quarter-page adverts. Under the guise of 'humane working conditions', they are in reality plotting to ban brothels and threaten our livelihood." For a 70 Euros charge customers are entitled to all the sex, food and drink they want between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. The evening flat rate rises to 100 Euros. Pussy Club operator (yes, that's her official title) Patricia Floreiu has said most customers leave after at most two sessions (probably with a huge smile on their face). There are at least four such "flat rate" brothels across Germany, a country where prostitution is legal (oh yeah). Heribert Rech, Baden-Wuerttemberg's Christian Democrat interior minister, has led a campaign against the "Pussy Club" establishment in the town of Fellbach, saying the "favorable price suggests women there are being exploited." But Juanita Henning, the leader of Dona Carmen in Frankfurt, told Reuters that critics want to reverse a 2002 law that gives prostitutes extensive legal rights and protection. "This is nothing more than a moral campaign. If they looked more closely at the offer they'd see a man can get all the sexual services he wants but not from one woman. It's pure ignorance and prejudice against the industry." So there you go...and I think you know which side of the argument I'm with. Let's see, a lunch special of about $100 for all the food, drink & sexual excess with a buffet of frauleins who know how to handle their sausage and their beer for a six-hour period in the middle of the day (or after a long hard one at work, the rate goes up another $50 for a similar situation) or...do I side with a group that's trying to take away these girls' livelihoods and send them to the streets to fend for themselves in a crumbling economy? You tell me. I REFUSE to put these prostitutes on the streets. Wait...yeah. Yeah, that's right. It's cold out there on them streets. Especially in northern Germany...and there are bears out there...and maybe wolves too...and trolls. Are you suggesting that we feed these women to the TROLLS? How DARE you, Heribert Rech!!! For shame. I am going to do my part to show support for these women. Who wants to go to Germany with me? Let's make a stand...or preferably sit down...or even lie back and be fed black forest cake by eine huebsche maedchen while another Bavarian beauty struts holding two frosty mugs of Lowenbrau. Seriously, do you have any idea who much that costs here in the States? Even on your birthday? By the way, ladies, that's another birthday idea...and you have until April to plan it out. Anyway, shame on you, Heribert!!!
Shame on Fort Myers - The mayor of a small southwest Florida town on Thursday defended the town council's decision to fire its city manager...after officials learned his wife is an adult film actress. Mayor Larry Kiker insisted that Scott Janke's termination had nothing to do with his spouse's job, that the town was merely trying to maintain order. "What we were addressing was a situation where we weren't going to be able to govern the town with all the disruption and interruption," Kiker said. The plan appears to have backfired. "I've done over 30 interviews (with media) ... I've gotten hundreds of e-mails, we're getting threatened. Nobody is getting any work done around here." Still, Kiker insisted that Janke wasn't fired because of his wife's job. "We didn't fire him because his wife was a porn star," Kiker griped, adding that the decision wasn't a "knee-jerk reaction." However, the mayor also noted: "It was not his job performance. We all liked Scott ... He's a good guy." Kiker said he learned of Janke's wife's job after receiving a telephone call from a reporter on Tuesday. He said he then spoke to Janke, who agreed "this was going to be a big disruption for the town and he was not going to be able to do his job well." Within a few hours, Kiker had called an emergency town council meeting, and the group voted 5-0 to exercise a "no-cause" clause in Janke's contract, effectively firing him. Councilman Tom Babcock said at a council meeting Wednesday that Janke was fired because his wife's profession brought an inaccurate image to Fort Myers Beach. "When you become a public figure you are held to a different level of scrutiny and ethics," Babcock said at the meeting. Janke told The Associated Press on Wednesday night that he and his wife had their "heads held high." "We have done nothing to be embarrassed about. We've done nothing wrong," Janke said. He said it's too early to think about what's next, and wouldn't comment on any possible legal action. He will get a severance package worth six months salary, which comes to about $50,000, plus health benefits. Janke said he married Anabela Mota Janke, who goes by the stage name Jazella Moore, in October. He began working for the town in March 2008. Diane Duke, executive director of the Free Speech Coalition, a trade association for the adult entertainment industry, said the firing could present legal problems for the town. Duke said even with a "no-cause" clause in Jenke's contract, as a government employee he is still protected by the First Amendment (under the seldom-quoted freedom to f**k whoever I want stipulation insisted upon by Thomas Jefferson). "There may very well be a case here," she said. Meanwhile, the issue is the talk of the town. "Everyone who lives on the island has made comments," said Jaye Duval, owner of the Sole Cafe, who listened to all the gossip as residents gathered for morning coffee and breakfast. "Everybody I've heard has basically thought he should have been able to keep his job. Most people think what his wife does shouldn't matter." George Noakes, manager of the Sunflower Cafe in town, called it "prejudice." "I thought the guy was doing a good job. I don't understand why his wife is even an issue. Whatever she does, that's none of our concern. We shouldn't even be bothered with it." Think of it this way, the Governor of South Carolina still has his job, right? But this guy is unemployed because he married a wonderful woman who happens to make a few dollars in the adult entertainment industry. For shame, Fort Myers. You're now my least favorite city in Florida...passing Pensacola...and that was only because some people insist on calling it P-Cola...and that's just gross. You've passed it though. I can't even look at you. I'm changing the subject back to innuendo & metaphor.
I'd Plow Her Field - Farmers in an eastern Indian state have asked their unmarried daughters to plough parched fields naked in a bid to embarrass the weather gods to bring some badly needed monsoon rain, officials said on Thursday. Witnesses said the naked girls in Bihar state ploughed the fields and chanted ancient hymns after sunset to invoke the gods. They said elderly village women helped the girls drag the ploughs (I'm assuming clothed). "They (villagers) believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains," Upendra Kumar, a village council official, said from Bihar's remote Banke Bazaar town. "This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily." India this year suffered its worst start to the vital monsoon rains in eight decades, causing drought in some states. So to recap, farmers have asked their unwed (so I'm assuming virgin in their culture) daughters...to plough (or plow in the President's English) their dry barren fields...while naked. Why? To EMBARASS the weather gods, who in their obvious embarrassment (which must be the same Hindu word for "arousal") while drench their fields (and their daughters) with their sweet life-giving god juice and make their fields fertile. I may not understand their logic or their culture or their mythology...but I like the end result...and I can understand where it came from. I have ideas like this all the time...but I never share it with the townspeople and try to convince their daughters to run around naked in a field...but perhaps I should from now on. "Okay everybody, I know we've had a rough season...especially on the economic front...but I have a solution. What we need to do...is have our unwed & virtuous daughters, 18 years & older, to spend their evenings dancing around in as little clothing as possible. This will cause dollar bills to be brought forth by passersby...or perhaps falling from the skies...as people in upstairs apartments, as the Bible says, make it rain. Ladies & gentlemen, our economic problems will be over." "That's ridiculous." "I assume you madam, it is not. It has worked in the past for single mothers, college students, crack addicts, club hoppers, fire starters, miller's daughters and every other kind of daughter out there since time was time. I have researched it...thoroughly. And believe me when I say thoroughly. I'm just coming up with solutions here. Please, if you have any better ideas, feel free to share them." "Well, if we put money back into our infrastructure, then the..." "OH YES!!! Put MORE money into our inferstructure. It's worked well so far. I'm sorry madam...but the time has come to stop putting money into inferstructure...and start putting more money in-her-structure." Hmm, maybe I should start doing that...
Apocalypsssssss - So in my ongoing coverage of the forecoming Apocalypse being brought upon by demon snakes, I give you this update...again, from India. A stray snake brought parliament to a standstill for several hours on Thursday in India's Orissa state, officials said. A cleaner spotted the intruder, believed to be a king cobra (or at least was planning to crown itself King Cobra), while sweeping in the morning and called the assembly's watchman. The speaker of the assembly in the state capital Bhubaneswar adjourned the house as security personnel, wildlife officials and a member of a local snake helpline searched unsuccessfully for the creature with the help of a sniffer dog. Snakes are straying more frequently into built-up areas because construction has driven the reptiles out of their habitat, according to wildlife expert Biswajit Mohanty. So yes, they have moved from taking over police stations...and are now going straight to parliament to bring legislation to a standstill...and then vanishing like a ninja...leaving behind a sense of terror and dread. The funniest part...is they're not even sure if it was a king cobra...or really there for that matter. Government was shut down by what might have been a snake caught out of the corner of the eye of a janitor. I feel safe. How about you? Prepare for the rapture.Well, that'll do it for today. Obviously a little more lighthearted and sexier than the past few entries...but I know that's what you ladies like. My sexual harassment class taught me that earlier today. Please correct me if I've been misinformed. Tonight my friend Spitsofrantic is performing a few blocks from my house at the Hookah Lounge downtown at 268 S Main Street right here in Slick City. Come be part of the Hip Hop Revolution...and I'll buy you a drink. Have a great night everybody!!!
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