Monday, July 6, 2009

Gordon Street? Ah yes...

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not really much going on with me...just some reminiscing about that one perfect day of Gordon I'll get to the news...

Steve McNair - He earned the respect of his fellow NFL players for shaking off defenders and injuries. That same blue-collar playing style won the love of fans amazed at how the quarterback kept showing up for work—and winning. He endeared himself more with his charity work. Not just from the checks he handed out, but for throwing himself into the efforts, like he did when loading boxes onto tractor-trailers bound for Hurricane Katrina victims...knowing the hard times of growing up in rural Mississippi himself. Publicly, McNair was a happily married man and proud father of four sons who split his time between his Mississippi farm and a home in Music City, where celebrities are cherished, not hassled. But when he was found shot to death on the Fourth of July with his 20-year-old girlfriend dead nearby, a darker side of his private life was suddenly thrust into the spotlight. Now, speculation is out there...and the police are investigating, though no suspects have been mentioned, which leads to the distinct possibility of a murder-suicide...but in the meantime, my condolences go out to his wife, children, family, friends and anybody who has ever been touched by this man's story. A small town kid from a small town college, going against all the odds and becoming a sports hero to millions, helping others along the way...and now regrettably may be remembered for the way he died more than the way he lived. Well, in the meantime, I say that we remember the myth that this fellow $teve, a hard working guy who always toughed it out despite the odds stacked against him. Memories of that last Super Bowl drive a few years ago where he led his team down the field, breaking tackles, launching pinpoint passes, and coming LITERALLY within inches of a championship ring...but alas, just short of victory. Yeah, that's the image that I want to keep in mind. Always striving for better. Giving to those in need. Always helping those around you become better. Die as part of a crazy torrid love affair with a woman half your age. That's the way of a true $teve.

Signing Your Soul Away - Do you need a loan? Can't get approved? Are you willing to do ANYTHING to get that money that you so desperately need? Are you willing to give your soul for a loan in these difficult economic times? In Latvia, where the crisis has raged more than in the rest of the European Union, YOU CAN. Such a deal is being offered by the Kontora loan company, whose public face is Viktor Mirosiichenko, 34. Clients have to sign a contract, with the words "Agreement" in bold letters at the top. The client agrees to the collateral, "that is, my immortal soul." Mirosiichenko said his company would not employ debt collectors to get its money back if people refused to repay, and promised no physical violence (pinky swear?). Signatories only have to give their first name and do not show any documents (Rusty Schackleford). "If they don't give it back, what can you do? They won't have a soul, that's all," he told Reuters in a basement office, with one desk, a computer and three chairs, wearing sunglasses, a black suit and a white shirt with the words "Kontora" (office) emblazoned on it, he reaches into his pocket and lays out a sheaf of notes on the table to show that the business is serious and not a joke. Latvia has been the EU nation worst hit by economic crisis. Unemployment is soaring and banks have sharply reduced their lending, meaning that small companies offering easy loans in small amounts have become more popular. Mirosiichenko said his company was basically trusting people to repay the small amounts they borrowed, which has so far been up to 250 lats ($500) for between 1 and 90 days at a hefty interest rate. He said about 200 people had taken out loans over the two months the business was in operation. That's right. Louie Cypher has assumed the name Viktor Mirosiichenko (the consecutive I's are a dead give away) and is collecting his souls in the most desperate of financial situations in Europe. Soon his army of the gigantic Latvian damned will move westward...and we will all be doomed. This is perfect...and it might fly in the States too. I've always wanted to be a peddler of human souls. Also, I would really throw the fear into them once they've signed. "Here we go, my signature is there at the bottom...and when can I get my money." "Here is your $200, Mr Smith. (Muffled laughter)" "Are you okay?" "I'm outstanding. How are you feeling...WITH NO SOUL??? Bwahahahahaha. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AHAHAAHAHAAHAH!!!" Smoke bomb thrown to the ground...and I mysteriously disappear leaving behind only a serving dish of mints and a man with filthy drawers who just signed over his soul to what can only be a wizard or demon of some sort. It would almost be worth the $200 if the surveillance video would make me laugh. Possibly instead of mints have fortune cookie that when they open them up read "NO FORTUNE FOR YOU!!! YOU HAVE NO SOUL!!!" You know, it's the little touches that make it work. So yeah, what's your soul worth to you???

Wife Carrying Championships - You may be asking yourself, "Really? Wife Carrying Championships?" That's right. Finland put an end to Estonia's 11-year reign and took gold and bronze on Saturday at the annual Wife-Carrying World Championships held in Sonkajaervi, Finland (hometown advantage?). Taisto Miettinen raced through a 250-meter (273-yard) course with two hurdles and a pool in 62 seconds, carrying Kristiina "What's" Haapanenon his back. The winners beat Estonia's Alar Voogla and Kristi Viltrop by a mere tenth of a second. Miettinen has been attending the competition for a decade now and said he was pleased to finally win. "A couple of times I have lost by 0.1 seconds and I have stumbled. Our win tastes now really good," Miettinen said in a statement. Although Estonia's long chain of wins in wife-carrying was brought to an end, Voogla said he was happy with silver and added the cool and cloudy weather had an impact on their race. "It was not our day, in the cool weather it was slightly difficult and the run did not go as planned," he noted. Finns Heikki Hannukainen and Heini Rauhamaa came in third and were some six seconds slower than the victors. Sonkajaervi village, located some 490 kilometers (302 miles) north of Helsinki, has in the past 14 years made its entertaining wife-carrying competition known around the world and this year competitors came from eight countries including Australia, Ireland and Czech Republic (GO CZECHS!!!). The race was inspired by the legend of a local thug, Herkko Rosvo-Ronkainen, who lived in a forest and is said to have snatched food and sometimes ladies from villages in the region. So yeah, this could be bigger in the United States. Easily bigger than soccer. Just imagine it. Teams from Los Angeles, Detroit, Tuscaloosa, Boston, all meeting in one find out who can carry their wife the fastest...maybe even a precursor match where the wives can carry their diminutive husbands. The ratings would be incredible. Maybe even bring in celebrities like football legends and their wives. My God, I have to call Spike TV. Patent Pending!!! Also, am I the only one was thinking of a lot of "Finnish Line" jokes with this one?

Class of 2009: Director's Cut - A Northern California elementary school teacher sent her students home for the summer with a video of class memories, only the DVD included six seconds of her having sex on a couch (that's right, I said elementary school teacher). Officials at the Elk Grove Unified School District asked families of the teacher's 24 students (Only 24? What the heck? Must be a private school) to get rid of the DVD after the unintended clip was found spliced in a scene where children were sharing stories in class. "Just destroy them," said spokeswoman Torrey Johnson. Johnson said the teacher, whose name isn't being released, sent the DVD home with her students from Isabelle Jackson Elementary on the last day of class Friday. She learned of the mistake after a parent called her (" you swing?"). She then called all the parents to ask them to destroy the DVD (check YouTube). The school district, located just south of Sacramento, initially sent a letter home to parents asking them to return the DVDs (you know...for research) but then asked parents to simply destroy them. Parents!!! I implore you. Why destroy the memories of your children just because of a few seconds of unintentional nudity? What is Life but a grand mixture of the good & the bad? Glorious highs & dirty dirty lows? Please, don't destroy your children's memories. I say...enjoy them. Share those memories...especially when they're older and can be completely embarrassed (or aroused depending on the teacher). Also, who edited the videos? I'm assuming it was the co-star / writer / director of this masterpiece...but yeah, sounds intriguing. I would absolutely LOVE to (in the distant hypothetical future in lalaland) watching a boring video with my school age children and have this happen, "Oh look sweetie, there you are making pictures with macaroni & glue and...what the? (Looking around to see if a child has a hold of the remote and switched to the VCR) Is that...NO!!! Miss Johnson? HA, I knew I had seen a tattoo there during teacher conferences. Hey honey, you owe me five bucks!!! Wait, that it? Lelu (future daughter's name) did you touch daddy's remote?" "Daddy, what was that?" "Nothing sweetie. Hey, wanna watch Jungle Book again? Alright, let's get that going...and daddy's going to check this video out to make sure it's appropriate for kids. If you need anything, ask your mother. Daddy's got a teacher to a few minutes." Don't worry, I'd show her mother too. What's the point of having amateur pornography if you can't share it with loved ones? Don't act like you're not intrigued either. Now, as stated before, I never really had a teacher that I had a crush on...but I have seen my share of Van Halen videos...and Bubbles knows how much I enjoy "Hot for Teacher" from a songwriting yeah, I'm intrigued. Parents, please...even if you don't want to share with your children...share your children (and more importantly their teacher) with the world...and send me the link. God bless.

Chimps Take Over London Zoo - Well, in my continuing coverage of the forthcoming Apocalypse, here's another tidbit...but without snakes this time around. Chester Zoo, Britain's most popular wildlife attraction, was evacuated on Sunday after 30 chimpanzees escaped from their enclosure. The animals made their escape at lunchtime and found their way into a keeper area where their food is normally prepared. Visitors were asked to leave the 110-acre zoo as keepers rounded up the chimps. A spokeswoman said, "We had an army of chimps eating their way through the keeper's kitchen and the decision was taken, quite rightly, to evacuate. By around 4 pm we had managed to get all the chimps back in their enclosure, some of them with very full bellies." There were no injuries to members of the public or staff and the zoo said the decision to evacuate was taken as a precautionary measure. It apologized for the incident and an investigation was underway into how the animals escaped. Chester Zoo, in Cheshire, north west England, is home to more than 7,000 animals and attracts more than a million visitors each year...and just think, this was only 30 monkeys...and they house THOUSANDS of animals. I'm thinking there may be a crackdown at that zoo to show who's in boss. I'll keep you posted. I expect that an investigation will uncover an elaborate escape plan worthy of the Birdman of Alcatraz status. I'm thinking a trench coat & hat involved in the lead chimp's wardrobe to fool one lazy security officer. "(Over an intercom) Forget your badge again, Roger?" Chimp in disguise shows palms and shrugs shoulders. "(Buzz) Last time, old chum." Then a dozen chimps charge the open gate, destroying security cameras, utilizing crude weapons to set traps, fecal projectile weaponry, it could seriously be a CGI movie in the future...but until then, just let your imagination run wild. I know I will.

That'll do it for today. Feel free to check out yesterday's post (below) for pictures of my fantastic 4th of July weekend. You won't regret it. There's dinosaurs, cute kids and wet cheerleaders. Something for everybody. Have a great day everybody!!!

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