Friday, January 30, 2015
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Thursday night, Izzy & I watched the 80’s high school comedy classic “Three O’Clock High” filmed at the beautiful Ogden High School (though called Weaver High in the movie) about two blocks from where I grew up when it was made in 1987. Yes, I remember movie crews being there & driving by on Harrison Boulevard as a young boy. Basically the story is about a nerdy kid Jerry Mitchell (Casey Siemaszko aka 3-D in the “Back to the Future” movies) who gets in trouble with the new bully at school Buddy Revell (Richard Tyson aka poor man’s giant Val Kilmer) who challenges him to a fight at 3 o’clock when class is over… so being a nerdy puss, he tries to get out of it. Pretty simple premise, right? That being said… it’s actually a fairly decent comedy for the 80’s so I highly recommend checking it out. There’s also some great cameos from Yeardley Smith (Lisa Simpson), Philip Baker Hall, Jeffrey Tambor, Paul Feig (director of “Bridesmaids” and the potentially horrible “Ghostbusters 3”) and Mitch Pileggi (Skinner from “X-Files”). Again, check it out for your 80’s fix. The thing that always got me about the movie… yes, even as a child… was the “bully” Buddy Revell. So I’m going to go a little more in-depth into the plot so you know my issue. Okay, so Jerry is with the school newspaper (not dated at all) and he’s given the assignment to interview the new kid Buddy, who apparently is rumored to have killed and/or maimed students, teachers & police officers at his past school. This implies that… I don’t know… certain precautions should be taken in handling this interview. Well, a few scenes later, Jerry is utilizing the urinal… when stone-faced Buddy saddles up to a urinal next time him… and Jerry breaks the first rule of Guy Code… he tries to start a conversation with Buddy right there while he’s taking a leak… Jerry even turned to face him after he’s wrapped up his business. Buddy is still peeing… and after inquiring on Jerry’s sexuality given the current circumstances (happens a few times this movie, and kind of appropriately too), proceeds to tell Jerry that he doesn’t want people to know about him. Basically, Buddy pulls a Marshawn Lynch on Jerry… but explains it better. Yet Jerry PERSISTS!!! “I want you to understand something, Jerry. I don't like people knowing about me, in fact I don't like it when ANYONE knows about me. So you can take that paper of yours and wipe off your dick with it! You made me mad, Jerry... now I'm gunna have to do something to work it off.” Which I always kinda thought meant Buddy was gonna go do some pushups or jerk-off or something (he’s a teenage boy). Then… immediately after all of this, Jerry smiles, and in a buddy-buddy gesture puts his hand on Buddy’s shoulder. Now, the implication in movie is something like “OH MY GOD!!! HE JUST TOUCHED THE BULLY!!!” but honestly… what Jerry did… and just put his unwashed possibly piss-covered hand on Buddy’s well-worn leather jacket (possibly his dead father’s jacket, you don’t know) and basically wipes his hand off on it. Now, does Buddy overreact a little bit by picking up Jerry and throwing him against the bathroom window & challenging him to a gentlemen’s duel with proper notification? Possibly. Again we don’t know enough about Buddy at this time to know what he’s going through… but violence is rarely the answer. Alternatively, he could’ve just beat his ass right then & there. However, you can kind of see where there’s a potential conflict between the two. “I don’t do interviews. I’m an isolated soul. Leave me alone. I’m just taking a leak.” “Oh come on, Buddy. Please? Here, let me wipe my dick drizzle on your jacket.” “What the F**K???”
This leads me to the Buddy Revell character, who I think is the real star & the movie’s rarely explored best feature. Sure, Jerry has “coming of age” moments where he finally kisses one of his best friends (and I think turns her lesbian with one kiss based on her reaction?), makes a pass at his surprisingly hot, possibly Irish teacher (and succeeds), STEALS $450 FROM THE SCHOOL STORE TO HIRE A HITMAN & TECHNICALLY DOESN’T RETURN IT (that’s f**king theft any way you look at it), and ultimately stands up to this Goliath of a bully instead of retreating (only after many, many failed attempts to imprison and/or expel Buddy for absolutely no reason mind you)… but let’s look at this movie through the eyes of its true star. Now, I don’t know Buddy Revell’s backstory… and I’m okay with that. He’s like Smith from “Shoot ‘Em Up” or any of those iconic figures that are usually the protagonist. He’s an unknown. What happened before the credits started up? No idea… there’s some hearsay exposition thrown out by students… but that’s hardly anything to go on. All we know is that he’s showing up at a new school… and potentially just trying to start a new life, turn a new leaf, just get used to his new surroundings. He could potentially be a cold-hearted killer who is only out of prison because he’s technically a minor. He could have a horrible home life with an abusive alcoholic stepfather who’s beaten him for years while his stripper mother earns what little money she can while they’re waiting for that settlement check, a la that Rob Zombie “Halloween” reboot. Maybe his father was a decent, hard-working mechanic who died tragically in a house fire recently… so his mother & he had to move… and the only thing that he really had to remember him was his jacket that he had left in the car. He could be an honor student who just had to move schools like in “The New Guy”. Later in the movie, he proves that he’s not just a lumbering oaf, but that he’s pretty handle with at least basic algebra when put on the spot… so he’s no slouch in the brains department.
Regardless, it’s his first day at school, there are rumors circling around about him, and he just wants to get through class, maybe learn something & get an education at this beautiful new school. Eventually maybe he’ll warm up to those around him… but it’s the first day, he’s got enough on his already weary mind. During first period, that cup of orange juice he had for breakfast starts to kick in… and he has to use the restroom. Insert the scene above where some guy just won’t let him take a piss in peace… and he sees it as a veritable challenge. He’s surprisingly calm in his explanation of the events that will take place. Why? Has he done this before? Is it part of his Man Code instilled on him by his father? Who was just disrespected by Jerry wiping his f**king piss hand off on his father’s beaten jacket? There’s a momentary lapse when he resorts to violence… and then he remembers the lessons of his father - “Don’t act violently out of Passion. Take some time. Think it through. Make a plan. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Hopefully there will be a resolution that comes from it in the end.” Then, he lays out the groundwork. 3 PM, seven hours or so from now, we will duel, settle it like gentlemen. Just you and me. Prepare yourself, Gerald Evelyn Mitchell (I’m assuming that’s Jerry’s real full name). Of course, the exact wording is something like “You and me, we're gonna have a fight. Today. After school. Three o'clock. In the parking lot. You try and run, I'm gonna track you down. You go to a teacher, it's only gonna get worse. You sneak home, I'm gonna be under your bed.” Slightly more aggressive... but still dignified nonetheless.
There’s a few scenes where Jerry tries to call off the fight with Buddy at his locker… and they’re surrounded by other students, waiting for his response. Again, he’s just trying to go to school & bought some time to cool off. He’ll probably even forget about Jerry unknowingly disrespecting him by wiping him with his piss hand & hitting on him in the bathroom. I mean… he knows he’s attractive. Well, it’s right in front of everybody… and so he can’t just back down with everybody watching… so the fight’s still on… for now. What does Jerry do? Well, he asks his friends for help. Not a bad start… except his friend’s idea is to plant a weapon in Buddy’s locker & get him expelled… without telling Jerry until it’s pretty much too late. The only thing is… from Buddy’s perspective… Jerry just planted a f**king switchblade in his locker to try to get him expelled… and probably like a punk at his last school will say something afterwards to all his friends like “Yeah, that Buddy what’s-his-name was too scared to fight me man-to-man! He even tried to bring a switchblade to even the score! F**king pussy!” Say what you will, it infuriates a man to know that there are assholes out there like that in the world… and they do exist. Sh*t, you probably know several of them! Anyway, that plan is thwarted… and you can kind of see why Buddy REALLY wouldn’t mind beating the sh*t outta this twerp… but still, he doesn’t really do anything. He’s still contemplating the idea of just… letting it go. Maybe. Not likely… but possible. He DID just try to get you kicked out of school on your first day…
Later, we find out even more about Buddy. He’s a man of a certaiBUDDY WAS JUST READING IN THE F**KING LIBRARY WHEN JERRY SENT HIRED MUSCLE. Buddy dispatches of the situation accordingly. See, he now knows that Jerry apparently has the means to send hired goons to dispatch of him. This time it’s one, but there’s possibly more on the way. Buddy doesn’t know Jerry other than he wears a f**king sweater& is possibly a closeted homosexual just when AIDS is becoming a major thing. Jerry could have limitless funds & not a lot of time on this Earth. He is pretty pasty… wait, no… he would’ve totally played the “You can’t fight me. If you do, my blood will infect you & everybody within earshot” (as was the understanding at the time) so no AIDS. Still, potentially limitless funds… and a life of ridicule at the very least? This assailant must be made into an example… otherwise there could be more, MANY MORE. So he breaks the guy’s finger, restructures his face with one punch, and then sends him flying into bookshelves causing quite the scene… maybe even more than expected. Then in an absolutely WWF (it’s 1987) style of exhibition, calmly stares down his attacker, puts his BLOODY index finger vertically to his lips and whispers “ssssssh.” Drop mic… walk off stage… message transmitted.
Later on, Jerry tries to just outright pay Buddy $350 to not destroy him at 3 o’clock. Buddy is at first perplexed. He’s a man whose integrity can’t be bought… but he & his family could really use the money… and he just got accepted at Brown… and Ivy League schools aren’t cheap (F**k you, I’m filling in my own backstory). He denies Jerry, the fight stands, but Jerry persists… so now it’s moral decision time. There are other variables too though. It’s his first day… and everybody at school knows that this fight is going down now… so if it were to be called off, then what? All of Buddy’s credibility as a Man goes out the window… or at least a good part of it. That stoic persona of a man not to be trifled with… gone. The man who can’t be bought… will have named his price. Other challengers will come… and would Buddy take a dive for the right price so that some other kid can get credibility? It’s a slippery slope. Right now, he’s a tall, handsome man of mystery… and chicks dig that sh*t. There was that obviously mid-20’s blonde “student” that was kinda hitting on him earlier & invited him to her party this weekend (yes, the same one that she invited Jerry too, probably hoping for a rematch) but that’s the same night he’s supposed to watch Nana while Mom goes to work. There’s also that surprisingly hot redheaded teacher who was giving him the “f**k me eyes” earlier… and plenty more women that would obviously be all over his sh*t within a week’s time… unless he proves himself to be some sort of typical brute… and then maybe those horrible rumors are true. He doesn’t want to have to be the Bad Boy and only mess with damaged goods. On the other hand, there’s the other side. If he accepts this money that his family so desperately needs, they could have gas & groceries for like six months (again, 1987?) and best of all, the whole violent act could be averted. He’s obviously superior to Jerry in just about every way as the day’s events have proven… so what’s the real point of destroying him? It’s a lose-lose situation. Again, he would be seen as a savage brute for destroying this pip squeak… or worse yet, he could somehow lose & forever become a pariah of the schoolyard. Let’s not forget, that in his eyes JERRY PLANTED A KNIFE IN HIS LOCKER TO GET HIM EXPELLED EARLIER IN THE DAY. He may be absolutely desperate… and do something rash like bring brass knuckles… or a gun! So what’s he to do? He’s in a no-win situation… so he does the lesser of two evils… and takes the $350… but not before making an attempt to help Jerry learn a lesson in the whole ordeal… in one of the greatest moments in cinema history. “You know what, Mitchell? You're the biggest PUSSY I've ever seen in my life. You didn't even try. How does that feel?” It’s both a calling out of Jerry’s moral ambiguity, lack of self-confidence & using money as an answer for everything… as well as a note of longing for knowledge of how somebody can be so comfortable with themselves for making the decisions that Jerry has throughout that day. Buddy may seriously be wondering “How does that feel? How can I find peace within myself in this twisted social experiment of high school? You’re obviously a horrible, manipulative human being (again in his eyes) and yet… here you are, pretty much at peace with your decisions. I want to know how that’s possible? How can you call yourself a Man?” Jerry doesn’t answer… maybe he doesn’t have any answers to give… so Buddy walks away with the money, contemplating his own decisions throughout the day… and questioning his father’s teachings & his own moral code. It’s an insanely deep moment… and no, I haven’t been drinking. I’m also assuming that Buddy has seen a LOT of big pussies in his day… but on ladies.
Well, as luck would have it, Jerry did think over the lesson that Buddy was trying to teach him… and becomes enraged… so while Buddy is going on with his day, putting the recent disagreement behind him & moving on with his life, Jerry confronts him at his locker and says that the fight is still on! He even punches a locker as he leaves! Jerry has grown a backbone! However, now this puts Buddy back in a worst-case scenario. Not only has he accepted $350 to break his moral code… but now he’s made this psychopath who has already tried to destroy this man’s character repeatedly… but now accepting the money has done nothing towards avoiding violence. The fight that he can only lose will continue… OH SH*T!!! JERRY HAD A SWITCHBLADE!!! He tried to plant it on me earlier today… so I know he has it… and he probably knows that I’d destroy him physically… so the only way would be to cheat & bring the knife! Sh*t… I’d better take my brass knuckles (I assume that he’s had for his own protection since the incident in his old neighborhood where he saved a girl from being raped by a bunch of guys… who had brass knuckles, those things aren’t a f**king joke, they DESTROY faces, ribs & lives). Anyway, that’s why he brings the brass knuckles for the big fight at the end… so don’t even get me started on that. So then… Buddy goes to his execution… and just hopes that he doesn’t kill Jerry accidentally & never see the light of day again. What a f**ked-up first day of school!
Now for the final fight… they’re both there (as well as the ENTIRE student body). FINALLY the school administration does SOMETHING about ANYTHING to do with this situation (the school seems like it’s 2015 in that respect) and the principal steps up and says that there’ll be no fight… move along… nothing to see here! Thank God, the principal has stepped in… but Buddy still has to be tough & stoic to maintain that mysterious element lest others challenge him at a later date, so he acts like he wants the fight to continue knowing that surely an adult will separate them. Then the principal… wait for it…touches Buddy’s jacket… his father’s jacket… and Buddy had seen him cough phlegm directly into it not 45 seconds earlier as he came through the sea of students surrounding them on this Island of Manhood. He’s wiping snot on his father’s jacket… and then things get RED!!! Buddy loses it!!! This entire day has built up to this release!!! Vengeance takes control!!! Punching the principal, tossing women off with fierce shoves, assaulting police officers, leaving grown ass men in his wake… and then he sees the reason for all of this… Jerry Mitchell!!! I’m assuming Buddy can’t even tell you what happens after that… until he regains consciousness after being right hooked in the head with a brass knuckle fist… all red… then lights out & wakes up during the confusion of Jerry’s victory in the fight… and F**KING DISAPPEARS LIKE A NINJA before the police can presumably take HIM into custody! Jerry gets no punishment for this fight!
You may be saying to yourself, “$teve, you’re f**king insane!!!” There is absolutely no way that ANY of this is true. Your backstory is assumed, you know nothing really about his character or moral code… because he is just a ball of mystery… but presumably a big bad mother f**ker… I mean… the kids at school know what’s up so everything they said at the beginning of the movie must be true… and Buddy did have a few brief moments of violent fury. He’s OBVIOUSLY just a big bully in every sense of the (constantly redefining) word. To that, I bring to your attention the end of the movie. So Jerry wins the fight… and should be getting in some serious sh*t for getting in the fight AND STEALING $450 FROM THE SCHOOL STORE!!! There’s a whole bullsh*t scene where the other students basically pay a dollar for each piece of paper to help repay the $450… and then… Buddy Revell, who is on the lam & has somehow escaped the police and everybody else, returns to confront Jerry… in front of the entire school… and returns the $350 that he was given… thus completing his full character arc. He’s learned the lesson that his angry nature will get the best of him… Jerry has at least started to learn to become a Man… he’s repaid the penitence on his Soul AND assisted a possible new friend in the process… and in that gesture, he has borne a little of his own Soul upon the rest of the student body… and shown a softer side to his gruff exterior… so basically an avalanche of jailbait pussy is going to wash over him as soon as (more like IF) he gets out of juvenile hall for assaulting a police officer & all that jazz. As the credits roll, the high school kids start up with their nonsense & embellishment of the events that happened that day… and you see the whole story coming full circle… and $teve’s theories of Buddy Revell being just another new (26-year old?) kid at school BEING ABSOLUTELY CONFIRMED!!! Let’s be honest though… we were all kinda surprised that Jerry didn’t serve any time for his involvement in the events of that day, right? Oh what’s that? You haven’t seen the movie? Well, I think you just did through the eyes of its REAL main character… and for that, you’re welcome! Now go check it out for yourself in the version that everybody else seems to see… a tortured, tragic, conflicted enigma wrapped in an incredibly complex performance by Sir Richard Tyson.
Now, you may also be asking yourself if I’m sympathizing with the “bully” in this story for some reason. Obviously I’m a Man of above average size, athleticism, intelligence & self-confidence now. Was I always that way? Pretty much… the confidence waned a little in high school years… but yeah, I’ve always been big. So was I a bully then? Is that why I’ve always looked at the story through his eyes? No. Never actually. Well… I mean… being a large man certainly has its advantages in avoiding certain confrontational situations, no doubt. But no, I was never a bully & used that influence on others for any kind of real gain. No, it’s more that I can empathize with the new kid in school… and I try to empathize with most other people whenever a situation comes up where there’s conflict. Even in Bond movies I’m like “Why does that guy want to destroy the world? Money? Just because? Why does he not long for this world anymore? Also, why doesn’t he just cap him in the f**king head & call it a night? That’s just sloppy! He’s OBVIOUSLY just insane!” But yeah, it’s not a bad practice. I highly recommend it. Even if it’s some ass-hat who’s cutting you off in traffic. Are they in a hurry to get somewhere? Are they just being a douche? Or is just that they see themselves in invulnerable in their vehicle? Certainly they wouldn’t just push their way through a crowded subway like they’re trying to do in their car… because they’d be b**ch slapped by somebody bigger enforcing the societal code… yet while in their car… the only person who would even think of doing that is the police… and f**k it, there’s no money in it for them, right? Anyway, just a way that I enjoy this movie on a level different from most. I suggest that you watch… and then watch it again from the other side. It’s actually quite good in that regard.
Have a great weekend everybody!!! BUDDY REVELL RULES!!!
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
I caught my attention the other day that I hadn’t done a lot of movie reviews since Christmas… so here are a few that I’ve seen while catching up with everything else the past month or so…
First up is “The Equalizer” starring Denzel Washington, which is basically a pseudo-reboot of the Ed Woodward TV series from the 80’s… but it brings Denzel back together with “Training Day” director Antoine Fuqua to establish him as a veritable badass in a day where the biggest action stars of our day… are in their golden years (yes, Denzel is 60, and black don’t crack). Robert McCall (Washington) is a quiet man who works at a Home Depot knockoff and is trying to put his mysterious past behind him… but then he stumbles upon a young Russian prostitute (Chloe Moretz) and before you know it… he’s up to his eyeballs in badass Ruskie gangsters. Luckily, his mysterious past involves Mr. McCall as some kind of super CIA agent or something… or in other words… he has a certain set of skills to help him destroy his newfound enemies. Basically the movie is kind of what you expect, lots of slow-mo action between long bits of tense moments… and a lot of jabbering in between too… you know, gotta fill in the full two hours-plus. Denzel is awesome of course… and I actually want to give a shout-out to Marton Csokas… who you probably know from a bunch of other movies, but he’s basically got the evil Russian badass typecasting on lock (he’s in “XXX”, “Aeon Flux”, “Bourne Supremacy”, “Kangaroo Jack”, and a few others that you probably wouldn’t recognize him… but you know him). Aside from that though, there are quite a few points in this movie where… they basically just lost me with a LOT of things that simply wouldn’t happen in real life. Overall though, I’d say check it out if you like the genre… of either secret agent stuff, or badasses of a certain age, or just action directors trying to be artsy. Check it out.
Next up was “The Interview” starring Seth Rogen & James Franco as a TV show host and his producer who stumble upon the opportunity to interview the most reclusive world leader in the world, Kim Jong-un… and then are recruited by the U.S. government to assassinate him… apparently because he has nukes at his disposal & they thought this was their best bet. Now, a lot has been made about the Sony hackers getting a hold of this movie… and then the threats… and essentially all the free marketing that came from it… and the (alleged) loss of millions in revenue from the fallout of it… but let’s be real. Sony didn’t lose money on this movie… and if so, somebody is fudging the numbers. Even with a very limited theatre release, basically everybody I know has seen it… and it’s already on Netflix about a month after it was officially released… so stop with that. The movie is obviously not supposed to be taken seriously… but you can see where some might take offense to the material. I don’t care. I think that if there was a North Korean team of stoner stars that could come up with a funny enough script, they’d probably fire back with their own spoof on action films… but they don’t. This movie was actually a LOT better than I was expecting. Yes, Seth & James play their usual kind of loveable f**k-ups with plenty of poop jokes & all that… but beneath all that, there’s actually a little bit of miniscule character development… and the guy who played Kim Jong-un (Randall Park) was probably the best part of the whole movie. At times, he’s absolutely loveable & heartfelt… and at other times, he flicks the switch onto evil… and through it you sense a little bit of the character… and that’s kinda what acting is, right? Then he sh*ts himself & you’re back to the movie… but overall, I’d say check it out on Netflix… and I really liked the soundtrack too (especially the Isaac Hayes intro as they approach Kim’s palace).
Aside from that, I’ve been basically playing catchup the past few weeks/month. You know… trying to come from behind like the f**king Seahawks in that NFC Championship game a few weeks back. So on that note, I thought I’d help break down the Super Bowl for you. Now, I know that a LOT of my readers don’t know a whole lot about football… and care even less… but basically in the end there’s a prediction… but before that, the reasoning… behind my Super Bowl XLIX pick of the defending champions Seattle Seahawks (still sounds weird) and the New England Patriots!!!
Coaches: You REALLY have the two ends of the spectrum here. Patriots coach Bill Belicheck is the grumpy-looking, short-answering three-time Super Bowl Champion coach who will apparently do anything to win, even if it means bending the gentlemen’s agreements rules a bit. He’s the Gregg Popovich of the NFL, except I’m pretty sure Popovich has a soul. Why is Bill so willing to bend the rules? Well… probably because HE GOT KICKED OUT OF CLEVELAND!!! Seahawks coach Pete Carroll will also do what it takes to win… as he’s proven by throwing out the rulebook while coaching the USC Trojans dynasty a decade ago… and with all the PED suspensions the past few years… and basically daring the NFL to change every rule in the book defensively. However, he’s also charismatic, fun-loving & boisterous… and basically lets his other coaches & players kinda do what they feel to build a team… which may be the future of the NFL, where the players have more pull than the coaches… and Bill actually replaced Pete in New England shortly before the championship rings started coming… hmm… Advantage? I’ve gotta go with three rings over one (and anybody can coach USC to a national championship, let’s face it… you’re convincing the best 18-year olds in the nation to go to Hollywood to f**k starlets during their prime f**king years… and you can throw cash at them? Come on, son).
Advantage: New England (but close)
Quarterbacks: Sigh… these mother f**kers are just too damn handsome. I mean… let’s be honest, the good-looking quarterback has been around since the beginning… but these guys are both literally GQ model handsome… and supremely talented at the most difficult position in the most difficult sport in the world… and from what I can tell they’re both f**king SAINTS!!! Patriots QB Tom Brady is the late round draft pick from the Bay Area with a chip on his shoulder for the past 15 years… whose married to a Victoria’s Secret supermodel… has sired progeny… and from what I can tell is pretty f**king nice to everybody who’s not talking sh*t on him. Then you have Seahawks QB Russell Wilson… who’s a 3rd round draft pick… who’s too small to play in the NFL (under six feet tall) so he’s also got the chip on his shoulder… but he’s also the nicest guy you’ve ever met… and literally visits hospitals every Tuesday to say hi to kids… and currently makes about 3% the salary that Brady makes… for the reigning NFL champions. He’s almost TOO perfect. Basically, Wilson is what Brady was 12-13 years ago when the Patriots had their dynasty. He’s the “game management” QB who does what he can, but not too much, just avoiding turnovers if at all possible to give his team the best chance to win. Brady has kinda morphed from that into the pass-first superstar that he’s paid to be… and has done it well… but is he on the downhill of his career? Is Wilson the next Brady? Is this game the 2015 Patriots vs. the 2003 Patriots if they had twitter? Maybe… but that’s not the question… or is it? No it’s not. Wilson may be the future… but is he this Sunday?
Advantage: New England (3 rings versus 1 again, though dollar-for-dollar, obviously Seattle)
Running Backs & Receivers: Seattle RB Marshawn Lynch has become the most dominant running back in football (even if by default thanks to Adrian Peterson& Ray Rice taking the year off for… personal reasons). He works hard, he plays hard, he doesn’t do interviews. Over the next year, if the NFL makes him speak, I want him to transform into Clubber Lang from “Rocky III” and make a pass at Roger Goddell’s wife during Media Day at the next Super Bowl. I love his silent treatment… and the self-promotion that he’s doing… but the NFL can’t have things being promoted that they’re not getting a cut (or a monopoly) on… so that has to go. The Seattle receivers though… I can only tell you that Doug Baldwin is one because of his hilarious press conference… no real stars, mostly role players. Patriots backs? Basically a running back by committee but LeGarrette Blount is a bulldozer… and he’s almost made me forget when he sucker punched that guy after losing a game in college. The Patriots receivers… they’re marginally better than the Seahawks… but Rob Gronkowski pushes them well above.
Advantage: Seattle (BEAST MODE!!! Stop the run if you can…)
The Big Guys: Football games are won in the trenches… at least they were until every passed 75% of the time. Every single play you have 5-7 men averaging about 300 pounds each, lined up against 5-7 men of similar size… basically playing tug-of-war but with a football & no rope. Sadly, most people don’t even pay attention to it unless they’re checking the replay for “holding” or watching NFL Films’ super slow-mo battles on a documentary… but it’s literally half the people on the field all jammed up in the middle while we’re fixated on the people with the ball. It’s quite remarkable.
Advantage: Draw… until one of them gets to do an awkward Big Man touchdown dance, it’s just an unsung integral part of the game.
Secondary: Seattle of course has been called “The Legion of Boom!” which I love as an old wrestling fan… and they don’t disappoint. Is Richard Sherman too cocky for his own good? Well, he got f**king paid… and he probably wouldn’t have unless he was… so I’ll allow it. Earl Thomas & Kam Chancellor have been boss since college. New England though… they only have probably the best corner of our generation Darrelle Revis& last year’s legion member Brandon Browner, who signed on this year specifically to try to strengthen their secondary is this pass-happy league.
Advantage: Seattle (but don’t sleep on New England, pick sixes win championships)
Special Teams: The kickers in this game… are Steven Hauschka & Stephen Gostkowski… need I say more?
Advantage: STEVES IN GENERAL!!! WE F**KING RULE!!!
Experience/Luck: The NFL is weird… because as soon as you gain enough experience to be taken as an undeniable force of nature, you’re a 30-year old has-been and you’re inevitable going to end your career in a year or two. Basically experience = destruction. The trick is finding that sweet spot… and a LOT of luck. As much as I love to give the coach & quarterback props for being three-time champions… the last one was a decade ago… and I think Vince Wilfork is the only other Patriot from those teams (see big guys). Seattle has almost everybody from last year… neither team really has any glaring injuries… they both seem to be on incredible streaks at the right time in the right circumstances… and that’s all through teamwork & preparation… so what’s the deciding factor then?
Advantage: Seattle (Did you SEE how they won the NFC championship?)
Cities They Represent: Both are beautiful cities that I’ve had wonderful vacation at these links (Boston) (Seattle). I can’t stand the Bostonian accent, but they’re tough blue-collar people that I respect… and they have guys like Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and half the comics in the world representing them… very loudly. Seattle is the clean, progressive hippie metropolis of the future… but they lost their basketball team to Oklahoma City just before they peaked. As far as representatives of their city, they have… like… Dave Grohl, Ed Begley jr & Macklemore. Hmm… maybe a push isn’t too far off.
Advantage: Seattle… because the games are actually played in the city of Seattle, not 30 miles away in a suburb
Media / Public Relations: “DeflateGate” is the latest for the Patriots… Marshawn Lynch doesn’t want to talk to reporters, but apparently has to, but even when he does, the NFL fines him… is it really that slow of a newsweek? Isn’t there a missing airplane or war we’re not supposed to know about going on? What’s that? Only a fairly-bad storm on the East coast far away Arizona? Okay… I guess you can keep talking about footballs being a little flat or an athlete not wanting to go through the motions with the press…
Advantage: Katy Perry is going to be the Halftime Show… with “special guest” Lenny Kravitz… and everybody’s going to watch in hopes of a “wardrobe malfunction” that will never come… thanks America!!!
Overall: God I hope this is a good game… last year’s was supposed to be & it made me hurt to watch… thankfully my buddy beer was there to help Jackie D & myself through that debacle. Basically, my breakdown above has a final tally of 4 for Seattle, 2 for New England and 3 as basically a draw. So with that in mind…
Prediction: Seattle 24, New England 27 (thanks to a Darrelle Revis pick-six) What’s that? It doesn’t make sense? It doesn’t f**king have to!!! This is American Football, baby!!! Yes, Seattle looks like it has the makings of a veritable dynasty!!! So did Denver!!! So have the Patriots for the past 15 years!!! So have the Colts for just about as long (except that one year where they kinda pulled a Spurs in ’96 drop to get that #1 spot)!!! So with that in mind, I gotta go with what my gut tells me… and my gut tells me that Seattle may have some nice microbreweries like Elysian or Pike or Pyramid… but Boston has the ORIGINAL CRAFTBREW JUGGERNAUT in Samuel Adams!!! So that’s what I’m going with…
Have a great weekend everybody!!!
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Friday, my brother & my friend C-Rock drove in from Utah to see what was going on in the Bay… and basically this first afternoon, we wandered around the Presidio and showed off a few things… but the sun set about two hours after they arrived so we really didn’t do much before returning home… and playing my PS4. Remember? I got a PS4 for Christmas but… long story short, it didn’t make the trip back with me after certain things happened… but they brought it with them & helped me get it set up with my “home entertainment system” in the living room (it’s about 12 years old now, but works pretty damn well). The weird thing is… they made the trip out to the Bay… and they mostly wanted to play video games, which you know, if it’s what they want to do, that’s cool… but I was determined to show them at least a little bit of the area. They saw most of the touristy stuff when they visited a few years ago… and didn’t have a whole lot of scratch… but that didn’t stop us…
Saturday, for outdoor activities, we headed out to Fairfield to see the Budweiser Brewery Tour. Why? Sigh… I don’t really know… it seemed like something to do… and it was probably a bad idea. The drive was beautiful, which was half the reason… and their website said that there were complimentary tours every 15 minutes throughout the day. Well, it f**king lied… because it was $5 per person… and every hour. So f**k you, Big Beer! Anyway, since we were out there, we of course did the tour… because seriously, what the f**k else where we going to do? The tour was… well, we sat in a room for a half hour watching videos about how cool Budweiser is… and then they showed us the giant lagering tanks… and some of the beechwood that they use to age… and God help them, they actually even bragged about using rice as a key ingredient in their beer… so obviously this was a tour meant for people who didn’t know any better… but hey, the tour guide was pretty nice & the mere scale of this industrial behemoth is pretty f**king staggering. Here are some pictures…
Afterwards, we headed back to my place… and played video games…
Sunday, we went down to Pier 45 to see the submarine U.S.S. Pampanito, which is an old diesel class sub… and it’s pretty f**king awesome… and pretty small for my brother& I… here are pictures…
Then we also wandered around the Museum of Mechanics or something… which was basically a free museum next door that had old arcade games & fun house machines from the past 150 years… and it’s an absolute must see for anybody who likes free cool sh*t…
Monday, my brother & C-Rock left in the morning around the same time that I left for work… and they made great time across California, Nevada & Utah getting home in less than 12 hours… I’m sure they were going the speed limit the entire time. Anyway, I miss those guys… but I’m sure I’ll see them soon enough. Have a great day everybody!!!