Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm Not ONLY Happy When It Rains

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

My brother went to the Pearl Jam concert the other night (and apparently Ben Harper opened) so when I called to tell me how awesome it was, I suggested that he go make love to himself...but I'm glad that he had fun. Sounds like it would've been a sweet concert to attend. Then again...I've been to THE Al Green, THE Smokey Robinson, THE Bacon Brothers and THE Ingrid Michaelson in the past year or I'm doing pretty good. Oh...and a few performances by THE Spitsofrantic and Incubus and Birthquake. Other than that, not much going on. I had a lot of trouble sleeping Monday night...and as you may know, that rarely happens...but it usually means that somebody I care about has been having a rough time. Then again, maybe it really is me. My mind has been a little more frantic than usual with decisions concerning my whereabouts having to be made by Halloween (if not sooner) and the year's already 3/4 of the way gone...and it just flew right by. Time does that though. Occasionally I do the reflective mode where I'll reminisce about this or that...and sometimes it makes me giggle with happiness...and then sometimes it doesn't. The important thing is that I remember...and learn the lessons whatever they may be...and I move forward. I slept like a baby last night because I was a little exhausted...but I rarely have the two nights in a row like that...and I have today off work...and it's raining buckets, which is awesome. You all know how I feel about the rain. The windows are all open in my apartment and letting the smell in, I walk around in it, even worked on my car Brandy a bit...and all before noon. More time to do...nothing. I applied for a new passport finally (old one expired in January) but no plans to use it quite yet. I also gave Brandy a tune-up before the nights start getting colder. See, that sounds like a metaphor for sex (or at least masturbation) but it's really not. My mind just does that to I'll quit yapping and just start with the news...

Wiener = Slammer - Yes, I'm resorting to penis jokes. I should be writing Hollywood movies. A Massachusetts man who stole a hot dog from another man sitting under a tree in a park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. Antonio Judd pleaded guilty Monday in Worcester Central District Court to charges including larceny from a person. Police said Judd grabbed the hot dog in August after flashing what appeared to be a gun in Elm Park in Worcester, New England's second-largest city (behind New Londontown?). Police reports say Judd began to devour the hot dog, spilling mustard all over his shirt. They say when he was arrested later he was carrying a pellet gun and a pocket knife. Records show Judd has been sentenced to prison at least three times for offenses including assault and vandalism...but this was his first theft of another man's wiener. Ridiculous. A prick of a man snatches a two-dollar hot dog...and will spend the next 18 months in prison smuggling sausages. Sigh...maybe that's his thing. Why else would you threaten somebody for a hot dog? I don't understand it...unless he was deathly hungry or something...but then, he can just pawn his gun. Ridiculous...and now...for a classic joke.

What's Long, Hard & Full of Seamen? - Ladies, you may soon be able to find out firsthand. Top Pentagon officials are calling for an end to the U.S. military's historical ban on allowing women to serve in submarines. Admiral Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the top U.S. military officer, advocated the policy change in written congressional testimony distributed by his office to reporters on Friday. "I believe we should continue to broaden opportunities for women. One policy I would like to see changed is the one barring (women's) service aboard submarines." Navy Secretary Ray Mabus said he was "moving out aggressively on this" "I am very comfortable addressing integrating women into the submarine force," Admiral Gary Roughead (an incredible movie name for an admiral), chief of naval operations, said in a statement. Women account for about 15% of the more than 336,000 members of the U.S. Navy and can serve on its surface ships. But critics have argued that submarines are different, pointing to cramped quarters where some crews share beds in shifts. Nancy Duff Campbell, an advocate for expanding the role of women in the U.S. armed forces, said it would be easy to resolve problems associated with so-called "hot-bunking." ('s been I while since I hot bunked with someone...) "They say, 'How could we have the women sleeping in the same area as men?'" said Campbell, co-president of the National Women's Law Center (NWLC). "But they already separate where the officers sleep from the enlisted, so it's not like it can't be done." (By the way, I'll draw you a diagram...and then read you a book about sharing) Roughead said the problem of sorting out accommodations on the U.S. fleet of 71 submarines was not insurmountable. Allowing women on submarines would be another step forward in expanding the role of women in the U.S. military. Last year, a woman was promoted to the rank of four-star general for the first time. Women are still barred from traditional frontline combat roles in the U.S. military...but female soldiers often run the same risks as men in Iraq and Afghanistan, where bombings and other insurgent attacks can happen almost anywhere and target any U.S. unit. Sorry, I'm still thinking about hot bunking. As you might have guessed, I am FOR allowing women into submarines. Why not? Have any of you been on a submarine? That's some confining quarters. Women are statistically they're able to move about more freely. Not only that...but women are usually smarter. There, I said it. In fact, I'm going to take it one step further. I'm all-female submarine. Mmm...yes. I really like that idea. Hard-working, sweaty, physically fit women in their late teens and early twenties...forced to share tiny living quarters and double up on bunks...keeping quiet so as not to alert the enemy...that just SCREAMS a torrid combination of catfights, experimentation and everybody's favorite...SHORE LEAVE!!! Oh my God...and those uniforms...and those sailor mouths...and those tattoos...and the wild & crazy stories behind them. F**k me runnin' it's like an entire military transport full of Foxes.

Speaking of which, read the Rolling Stone article about Megan Fox...and yeah, nothing too major. The more I read about her, the more she seems like a hot female version of me. We even have the same stupid things about how we sleep - Enjoying the company of others & their body heat...but not too hot, spooning's great, when nobody's around, lots of pillows to take their place, can't sleep if it's too quiet, mind always racing about other things, no one night stands...but love to spread & escalate rumors about our sex lives for basically no reason other than our own amusement. I'll bet she enjoys the rian too. Surprise surprise, she's also conflicted just like all of us...and she's not a whore like the Media makes her out to be. Check it out. Oh...and by the way, you read that correctly. I READ SOMETHING ALL ON MY OWN!!! And it wasn't an assignment either. Wanna know what else I'm mildly interested in reading?

Doing It Rogue Style - Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor, Republican vice presidential candidate, SNL star and political running gag has finished her memoir just four months after the book deal was announced (let's face much does she really have to say?) and the release date has been moved up from the spring (when she would already be forgotten) to November 17th, her publisher said. "Governor Palin has been unbelievably conscientious and hands-on at every stage, investing herself deeply and passionately in this project," said Jonathan Burnham, publisher of Harper. "It's her words, her life, and it's all there in full and fascinating detail." Palin's book, her first, will be 400 pages (Really? With or without pictures?), said Burnham, who called the fall "the best possible time for a major book of this kind." The book now has a title, one fitting for a public figure known for the unexpected — "Going Rogue: An American Life." Harper, an imprint of HarperCollins, has commissioned a huge first printing of 1.5 million copies. Senator Ted Kennedy's "True Compass," published by Twelve soon after his August 25th death, also had a 1.5 million first printing. As with the Kennedy book, the digital edition of Palin's memoir will not be released at the same time as the hardcover. "Going Rogue" will not be available as an e-book until December 26th (boxing day) because "we want to maximize hardcover sales over the holidays," Harper spokeswoman Tina Andreadis said Monday. Publishers have been concerned that e-books, rapidly becoming more popular, might take away sales from hardcover editions, which are more expensive. Palin, who abruptly resigned (quit) as Alaska governor over the summer with more than a year left in her first term, has been an object of fascination (like a four-car crash on the freeway) since Senator John McCain, the Republican presidential candidate in 2008, chose her as his running mate, effectively destroying his credibility and making an instant celebrity out of a once-obscure public official. During last year's campaign, pundits questioned whether Palin hurt McCain's presidential bid by "going rogue," or defying his campaign's control. Although Democrat Barack Obama easily won the election and Palin was criticized even by some Republicans for being inexperienced, she remains a favorite among conservatives and is a rumored contender for does Arnold Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus and Oscar the Grouch. Interest in her is so high that a fan recently paid $63,500 to have dinner with her, part of an Internet auction for a charity that aids wounded veterans. Palin, 45, spent weeks in San Diego shortly after leaving office and worked on the manuscript with collaborator Lynn Vincent. Why on God's partially green Earth would I want to read the ramblings of Sarah Palin? Because I'm hoping, thinking, praying that she will answer the question that I first brought into the American Mainstream over a year ago. That's right. I want to, once and for all, without any kind of political filter, and being of fairly sound mind & body (at least from a legal standpoint) to tell everyone who sees her as a role model...what her first time was like. Yes Sarah, the People demand...that you tell us how your "experience" began. Did you take the initiative? Were you in Love? In Lust? Were you a giving lover? Where? When? How many times? We've all is the time to set the record a real rogue leader would do. Wait, rogue leader, why does that sound so wrong to me? Anyway, we shall see...probably about the time somebody prereads that book of hers and tells what page number to read...because I'm not reading the other 390 pages of useless babble about...whatever. I've got my own blog for that.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I've got some rain to go play in...and since I have the day off, I should at least cook one fine meal, even if it's just for me. Oh hey, I'm also doing the Torch Relay on November 5th for the Children's Miracle Network if any of you would like to sponsor me...or come on down and walk with me. That'd be even better...and it'd be for a great cause. It's the first time coming to Salt Lake City so it'd be great if we raised a lot of cizzash and showed the world that Slick City knows how to represent for the kids. Have a great day everybody!!!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Or We'll Cut It Off

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday morning, I didn't feel too well waking up. Think it might've been the late night chimichanga...but all better now. Watched a bit of college football with my dad...and apparently Tim Tebow IS mortal...but I've also been thinking a lot about the future, as I'm sure just about everybody does at one time or another. So many questions out there...and it really doesn't help that my lease is almost up at my apartment and they want to know in less than three weeks what's going on. "Wish I could tell ya where I'm going to be." The bit of good news is that if I renew my lease, they're going to throw in wireless I theoretically shouldn't be "borrowing" internet if I'm here for another six months. Then again, when they mentioned the hot tub, they also told me it was 24 hours...and forgot to mention that it's basically solar powered with regards to the heat. Sigh...rabble rabble.

That night, we watched the Vitali Klitschko / Chris Arreola heavyweight boxing fight. Now, since I assume most of you don't watch boxing nowadays (like I usually don't) I'm going to give you the back-story in the only way that I know how...with movie references, mostly Rocky. Now, Vitali is probably my favorite boxer from the past 30 years. Why? Here's his story...the way I see it. Born & raised in Kiev, Ukraine, I'm assuming that he was a teenager just before the Wall came down in Berlin...and he watched a movie called "Rocky IV" where he watched a story of an elderly tiny American underdog beating the great Soviet champion Ivan Drago...and he probably thought, "This movie is the horse manure. Drago would never expose himself to Italian Stallion like that. His technique is flawed. Russia would win." So from that point on, he decided to prove it to the world...and pretty much did. He originally trained as a kickboxer...but then focused on the "sweet science" of boxing...and basically just destroys opponents with jabs while keeping his head away from danger...and then when the time is right, he just destroys his opponent with the strength of a cyborg and the precision of a surgeon (which he also well as an accomplished chess player). He has only "lost" two fights...and both were complete horse manure...because they were to Lennox Lewis & Chris Byrd...and the referee stopped the fight because of a cut over his eye while he was far & away ahead on points. I watched the Lewis fight...and it was rigged...but it's boxing so what do you expect. Also, Vitali has a younger brother Wladimir who was his ringside with him...and is also a heavyweight champion. They always sit in each other's corner...and I just always thought of what would happen if...let's say, there's a rabbit punch delivered...and the trainers run into the ring to protect their fighter...and Wladimir ran in there too...and punches were thrown. That could be a messy altercation for the 73-year old, 118-pound cutman who got within the tremendous reach of the reigning champion who doesn't even have gloves on to protect...others. Anyway, just a random thought that I I usually do.

Chris Arreola played the role of a mix of a Rocky underdog...and "The biggest Mexican I've ever seen" image from Desperado. Born and raised in East L.A. and finally given the chance to fight for a championship before his home crowd at the Staples Center, the first Mexican-American to fight for a heavyweight championship in over forty years, a man who months ago looked like a tanner version of Butterbean but slimmed down somewhat (though still loves Coronas & chimichangas...but who doesn't?), covered in tattoos, a fighting style eerily similar to Rocky too - come in with a wailing assortment of combinations and just destroy his opponent with brute force & grit. "YOU'RE A WRECKIN' MACHINE!!!" The stage was PERFECT!!! The crowd was on his side. He was going against a guy who was ten years his senior. He was ready to prove to the world...that he was a force to be reckoned with...and he was representing his people. The fight started...and everything went as planned. Klitschko was keeping him at a distance, using his four inch reach advantage & technique to wear away at Arreola...who was in turn trying to get inside and work at the body a bit, trying to get the Ukrainian champion to slouch his posture and expose his head to violent combinations. That being said, Klitschko's strategy was working...and Arreola was getting blasted with those explosive jabs...round after round after round. Around the 7th, Arreola started getting a little desperate...and had to make a move. When he got close, Klitschko would lock him up...but exposed the body a bit...and Arreola tried some short-range hooks before the referee separated them. The champion was unphased. Then he tried coming in with some wild combinations...only to find a defensive jab, usually followed by a right hook. When he would get locked up, the challenger would try to rub the blood from his face onto the champion to maybe confused the referee to stall the fight. It was getting late into the fight...and Klitschko had barely broken a sweat...and Arreola was bleeding fairly profusely from his nose and lip...and his face was swelling like a balloon over Megan Fox's head (she's THAT hot). Now, it seemed, it was just a matter of going the distance against the champ...and after twelve hard-fought rounds, it went to a unanimous decision to Klitschko. Arreola was devastated. This had been his big chance, millions of people across the world were watching, the crowd had been cheering him on the whole time...and he felt that he had let them down. He burst into tears right there in the ring and buried his shame-ridden face into a nearby towel. Klitschko, being a true champion, was quick to say, first & foremost, that Arreola was a great fighter and will be around for years to come...and he certainly will. Perhaps a rematch in Arreola II? We shall see. It was a great fight (by today's standards). An even better one though, would've been two spectators that I saw sitting next to each other when they were showing the crowd - Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now THAT would be worth the price of Pay-Per-View.

Saturday, I also watched "Dance Flick" which is a parody of all those dance flicks like "Save the Last Dance" "You Got Served" "Step Up" "Honey" "Flashdance" but "Dirty Dancing" references. It was pretty funny and exactly what you would expect from the Wayans Brothers. It's basically the story of "Save the Last Dance" where a snotty white high school ballerina chick (played by Shoshanda Bush who looks a lot like a hot mix of Jessica Alba & Julie Stiles) who moves to Da Hood and meets the street dancer guy (played by Damon Wayans JUNIOR who looks exactly like his dad back in the In Living Color days) and there's a whole story about a street battle...and some owed money...and pop culture references. It's a Wayans Brothers flick. The plot doesn't really matter...just the execution of the jokes...and most of them are done pretty well. I would highly recommend it. Also, don't be concerned if you haven't seen any of the movies that it's referring to...because if you've even been forced to see the previews a few thousand times, you'll get most of them. Of all the movies referenced, I have only seen "Honey" (mind your own business, that's why) but it was still pretty good. Oh...and there was a "Twilight" reference...and it pretty much summed up the entire movie of Twilight, "Frankly I'm a bit disappointed." If you liked the Scary Movies, Don't Be A Menace... or any others, I say check them out...and support all those Wayans kids...because apparently they have kids & grandkids now too.

Go for the Gusto - Dalton Chiscolm is unhappy about Bank of America's customer service -- really, really unhappy. Chiscolm in August sued the largest U.S. bank and its board, demanding that "1,784 billion, trillion dollars" be deposited into his account the next day. He also demanded an additional $200,164,000, court papers show. Attempts to reach Chiscolm were unsuccessful. A Bank of America spokesman declined to comment. "Incomprehensible," U.S. District Judge Denny Chin said in a brief order released Thursday in Manhattan federal court. "He seems to be complaining that he placed a series of calls to the bank in New York and received inconsistent information from a 'Spanish womn,'" the judge wrote. "He apparently alleges that checks have been rejected because of incomplete routing numbers." Chin has experience with big numbers. He's the judge who sentenced Bernard Madoff to a 150-year prison sentence for what the government called a $65 billion Ponzi scheme. Bank of America Corp faces real legal problems, including New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo's threat to sue its chief executive and a judge's embarrassing rejection of a settlement with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission. Yet the money Chiscolm wants could dwarf all the bank's other problems. It's larger than a sextillion dollars, or a 1 followed by 21 zeros. Chiscolm's request is equivalent 1 followed by 22 digits. The sum also dwarfs the world's 2008 gross domestic product of $60 trillion, as estimated by the World Bank. "These are the kind of numbers you deal with only on a cosmic scale," said Sylvain Cappell, New York University's Silver Professor at the Courant Institute for Mathematical Sciences. "If he thinks Bank of America has branches on every planet in the cosmos, then it might start to make some sense." Judge Chin gave Chiscolm until October 23rd to better explain the basis for his claims, or else see his complaint dismissed. Personally, I would like to hear his claim...and then laugh squarely in his face. "Really? Emotional damage? For more than a BILLION TIMES the world's gross domestic product? You couldn't just...go for a million and settle for a few thousand? You got greedy sir...and for that, you get nothing. I bid you good day." In fact, were I a judge, it's a good thing that I don't live in Poland.

Polish Pedophiles Beware - On Friday, Poland approved a law making chemical castration mandatory for pedophiles in some cases, sparking criticism from human rights groups. Under the law, sponsored by Poland's center-right government, pedophiles convicted of raping children under the age of 15 years or a close relative would have to undergo chemical therapy on their release from prison. "The purpose of this action is to improve the mental health of the convict, to lower his libido and thereby to reduce the risk of another crime being committed by the same person," the government said in a statement. Prime Minister Donald Tusk said late last year he wanted obligatory castration for pedophiles, whom he branded 'degenerates'. Tusk said he did not believe "one can use the term 'human' for such individuals, such creatures. Therefore I don't think protection of human rights should refer to these kind of events." His remarks drew criticism from human rights groups but he never retracted them. "Introducing any mandatory treatment raises doubts as such a requirement is never reasonable and life can always produce cases that lawmakers could never have even dreamt of," said Piotr Kladoczny from the Helsinki Foundation of Human Rights. "If somebody is of sound mind, we punish him. If he is sick, we try to cure him. That's how it works in Polish law. This bill introduces both approaches. As far as I know, this makes our law the strictest in Europe on this issue," Kladoczny said. The bill, which also increases prison sentences for rape and incest, must still be approved by the upper chamber of parliament. This is seen as a formality as Tusk's Civic Platform party holds a majority of its 100 seats. I like it. I'm not sure of the details of "chemical castration" but my image is of sulphuric acid being poured on a pedophiles genitalia...and I'm not opposed to it. Okay, so I'm sure it's a little more humane than that...but still, I don't like pedophiles & rapists. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they don't like themselves either. Perhaps I should write my congressman and get the paperwork started on something like this here in the States. Anybody else feel me? I'm really into the idea of creating a website for this cause. Both for the cause...and for the absolute absurdity that it might actually work...and being a spokesperson for the matter, I might get to go on some respectable pundit shows and debate this with real experts...or at the very least be on Fox News (rim shot). I'm liking this idea more and more the more I think about it. Yeah...

Larry King: "Welcome back. I'm joined by Doctor Mookie Love, President of the group this right? I'm being told this is correct. The group is called 'Or Else We'll Cut It Off!!!' which is backing legislation towards the castration of pedophiles and rapists. Thank you for joining us, Doctor Love!"
$teve: "Please, call me Mookie, Larry."
Larry King: "Thanks...but I'd rather not."
$teve: "Doctor Love it is. Sah da tay."
Larry King: "And also with us is Miss Gretchen Smith, spokesperson of the Human Rights Group TRAPT which stands for 'Technically Rapists are People Too' Welcome to the show, Miss Smith."
Miss Smith: "Thank you, Larry. Please call me Gretchen."
$teve: "Sine yo pitty on the runnie kine, Gretchen. My damie."
Miss Smith: "Ugh...that was directed at Larry. You can refer to Miss Smith."
$teve: "Ah, so you are nasty. Whatever you'd like, Miss Smith...and whenever you'd like..."
Miss Smith: "Larry? Really? Is this guy even a doctor?"
$teve: "I'll have you know I'm a gynecologist...and I work with kids...but not at the same time like the people you're defending."
Miss Smith: "WHAT? I'm not defending their actions. I'm merely stating that the Constitution..."
Larry King: "Dr Love, I'd hate to jump in here but..."
Larry King: "'s my show. That's why my name is on it."
$teve: "Oh yeah. Sorry sir. Pedophiles just make me SO ANGRY!!!"

It'd be great television viewing for all...especially when I purposely throw out meaningless factoids...and basically try to turn Larry King Live into a mix of Jerry Springer & Loveline...and pick fights with guests who would only show up via my Randy Savage voice. I am totally going to see what I can do to get this off the ground. Let me know if you'd like to be a part of this movement. Also, if you have any ideas for names better than "Or Else We'll Cut It Off!!!" it would be greatly appreciated as well. Sure, I like it...but it may be kinda confusing on a T-shirt...and it doesn't have the same appeal as those breast cancer awareness shirts with "Save the Tatas" or "I Love Boobies" or something. Have a great day everybody!!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Watching SNL Tonight?

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Haven't been updating this thing regularly...but it's mostly because the internet connection has been extremely hit or miss (damn password security, why can't people just share the web with the world?). Last night, JL Clyde & I went to an art show in Park City for a very talented artist by the name of Joseph Taylor. He has some amazing work...and because he's a student, you can get it at discount prices. Get them quick though. Remember that back in the day, Picasso would sell you one of his paintings for beer money...but when it went to the collectors, the price skyrocketed. Just letting you know.

I'd hate to bore you with the non-activity concerning my possible job position change...but basically, nothing has happened with regards to Lake Tahoe (like not even a callback yet...but they did post for a few other positions so that may be happening next week) and I'm getting to the point where I might just say "F**k it" and continue my career re-progression here with my current employer. I mean...honestly, it's a great job, great benefits, great people, they have no problem with training me consistently (rather than the situation of "Here's the problem, what do we do?" that I'm used to...and flourish in), and I don't know. I guess I'm just saying that if Lake Tahoe doesn't work out, I won't be heartbroken. Besides, the family & friends are (mostly) here...and you really can't replace that, right? Well, you can...but it's just not as good. Anyway, enough about that. To be continued.

So just before I went to Lake Tahoe, I was hanging with the Wingman...and we watched "Adventureland" starring Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart & Bill Hader. It was billed as one of those movies "From the director of Superbad" so I was expecting something hilarious like that. The story is set in 1985 I think...and is about a recent high school graduate (Eisenberg, though I'm pretty sure that Michael Cena was supposed to play this guy) whose parents have fallen on hard financial he doesn't have money to move to NYC and go to NYU to be the next great American writer or instead, he has to get a job to save up...and so he gets a summer job at a carnival because...he can, I guess. While there he meets an interested group of characters (okay, so interesting is a strong word) and then he meets this cute brunette (Stewart in her typical moody teenager role) and then it just drags on from there. Basically, the movie has a few brief moments of hilarity...and the other 95% is just stupid teenage drama crap. My suggestion? Don't waste your time with this one.

Last night, the Wingmans visited with their new puppy Sheba...and we ate at Buca di Beppo (okay...but pretty expensive) and then we watched "Observe & Report" starring Seth Rogen, Anna Farris & Ray Liotta. As I'm sure you've seen from the previews, it's about mall security guy (no, not Paul Blart, the other one) played by Seth Rogen who longs to be more. He takes his job seriously (somewhat) and when a serial flasher infiltrates his perimeter & exposes himself to the makeup girl that he lusts over (Farris), a detective is sent to investigate (Liotta) and he doesn't like competition. From there, he decides to apply to be a real cop...but he has some fairly obvious bipolar issues...and I'd like to say that it's funny...but there's actually a scene in the movie that I think sums up the movie incredibly well. He shows up to a meeting thinking that he's going to become a cop...and Liotta's character breaks the news to him that he's been rejected...and a fly-on-the-wall steps out of his office closet and says, "Sorry, I thought this was going to be kind of funny...but it's just really sad." There are a few parts where even I was like, "Wow!!! This is...really not...funny" and I find humor in just about everything, as you know. Anyway, it does have a few funny moments here & there...and I'm a sucker for potty humor...but I feel like towards the end they just got to the point of "Okay, how do we end this?" "I don't know let's just (completely quick & ridiculous wrap-up with no real world consequences)" "Sounds good." Personally, I'd say pass...but I can see where a few might like it. Now for some news...

The Naked Gun - Yet another reason to fear the elderly. Authorities say a 91-year-old South Florida man jumped out of bed naked and held an intruder at gunpoint until deputies arrived. The Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office said Robert E. Thompson woke up Saturday morning after a would-be burglar climbed his backyard fence and was met by his charging dog, Rettt, a Rottweiler and Doberman pinscher mix. Thompson heard the commotion, grabbed his .38-caliber revolver and phoned police without ever getting dressed. Deputies said Thompson fired a warning shot as 26-year-old Jose Pasqual started to come toward him. Thompson kept his gun trained on Pasqual until deputies arrived. Pasqual was booked in the Palm Beach County Jail on a burglary charge and did not immediately have an attorney. By the way, if you're going to rob a place, at least case it first. See if there's...I don't know...a bloodthirsty mutt...or maybe an old guy packing heat. Come on guys, if you're going to do something stupid like rob somebody, at least do it smartly. Is smartly a real word? I don't care. You get the idea. Just thought that was a funny image...and brought back memories of when my dad caught somebody trying to steal my Carmen back in the the the nude...and he let him go after an HOUR and cops didn't show (but we put the fear of God in him before we let him go). When the cops showed up FOUR HOURS LATER, they wondered why we let him go. "We didn't want to get in trouble for kidnapping, torture or anything else. Besides, you're four hours late. He ain't coming back though." "How do you know?" "Because we told him that if we ever saw him again, you're not getting called." Good times.

Speaking of Cops - As you know, I enjoy certain things...such as stories that may or may not involve reverse racism. Well, here's one. Police in Philadelphia say a white officer who came to work with cornrows was ordered by a black superior to get a haircut because the braids violated department standards (even Beckham can't pull them off). The Philadelphia Daily News reported Monday that Officer Thomas Strain was put on desk duty this month because of the braids, even though the paper reported dozens of black officers wear cornrows. Police spokesman Lt. Frank Vanore says Strain's boss told the officer to cut his hair to look more "professional." Vanore says officers' hats must fit "in a military manner" over their hair, and that Strain's hat did not. Strain got a haircut; he declined comment to the paper (and therefore remains employed). Vanore recalled only one black officer with braids in the past several years. He says that officer also was told to get a haircut. Awesome. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Do with it what you will. It's always funny in Philadelphia.

Oh...and speaking of reverse racism in Philly, did any of you catch that late hit Week 1 on Donovan McNabb that bruised his ribs and gives him yet another nagging injury for the rest of his career? It was a late hit by a Panthers linebacker after the touchdown had already been scored. All I'm saying is...if it had happened to Tom Brady or either of the Manning brothers, there would've been a hefty fine, possible suspension and/or a rule change to protect the quarterbacks. However, oddly enough, it was Donovan McNabb...and it's just regarded as "Oh well, football's a contact sport. People get hurt. At least they have Vick or Kolb or Garcia to back him up now." Just something I'm throwing out there...because I can. You know what, I'm not about causing controversy...or talking about brushes with the law...or reviewing bad movies...especially after such a hiatus. I'm gonna end this on a positive note...

Megan Fox Update - The hot pants, leather biker suit and sweaty tank top that Megan Fox wore in the Transformers sequel are to be auctioned off as part of a massive film prop and costume sale. More than 100 items from "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" will go under the hammer at a Profiles In History sale in California next month. As well as Fox's clothing items, the highlights will include a 17-foot Bumblebee Autobot, the film's Bumblebee Camaro vehicle and the original Optimus Prime CGI head (ugh...the computer image?). The Bumblebee robot is expected to be the auction's big seller, with estimates starting at $60,000. Fox's short shorts, tank top and black leather motorcycle costume are expected to fetch between $3,000-5,000 each (yeah...and "Jennifer's Body" was supposed to be a hit too...but I expect them to be about right with the clothing. If they threw in a kiss from the starlet though, the price would easily TRIPLE). The Transformers sequel items will go under the hammer at the same auction as Michael Jackson's iconic illuminating white glove, which the late King of Pop wore on the Victory Tour. Should be an interesting day at the auction...but I'm afraid that outfit's a little out of my price range. The reason that I mention this...isn't just so that I can show the photos of the outfit being completely filled out in all the right ways...but also, think of this potential buyers, underneath this outfit...she was completely naked. That's right, hot sweet stanky Fox sweat...and I doubt the outfit has been thoroughly laundered...and when cloning is as popular as iPods, you'll have her DNA. Just throwing that out there...and let the imagination wander...

You gotta know how to sell it. Best of luck to her on SNL tonight. I'm sure she'll slay ' way or another. Anyway, just had to end this on a positive note...and things are definitely looking up right now. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Terribly sorry for the delay. The 'borrowed' internet connection has been troublesome the past few days...but I finally got the pictures loaded. You're welcome. So here's the details of the Lake Tahoe trip...and long story short, I want to move there. We started out early Thursday morning...and by we, I mean my mom & I. We had about an eight hour drive across the beautiful open nothingness that is northern Nevada...but we made the most of it. Like most people, we stopped in Wendover to...get gas. We also stopped in Elko to...stretch our legs. Then it gets really we had to make our own entertainment. So when we saw the signs of approaching cities, the imagination wandered a bit. My mom would say something like, "Golconda? I wonder where that name came from." and I would respond with, "You've never heard of Golconda?" "No. What is it?" "Oh, I figured you would know more about it than I would. It's been on the History Channel...but basically, it's a giant golden snake that was worshipped by the settlers here in the Nevada wastelands. Legend has it, that thousands of years ago, there was a giant snake that was ravaging the landscape and the Shoshone Indians asked King Midas himself to come and stop him by touching him and turning him into solid gold." "The same King Midas from ancient Greek mythology?" "Oh so you have heard the legend? Well, to this day, the inhabitants of this town worship this snake, much like those snake kissers in Appalachia...only without the whole Praise Jesus's straight golden idol worship." "$teve, you need help." "I know." Then we would pass the road sign that says "Golconda / Midas" and just look at each maybe I'm not that crazy...just creepy psychic. Then I googled it...and Golconda's actually named after one of the leading diamond mines in India...and is where the Hope Diamond was found. Go figure. I wasn't THAT far off (that's my story & I'm sticking to it). You can probably guess the kind of story I came up with when we passed the "Deeth / Starr Valley" sign. "Hmm, so this is where the Emperor's rebuilding it..."
The random tree sculpture between Slick City & Wendover
If you have to ask why this picture's here...
Poke & Peek?

Another town that I was forced to resort to this kind of entertainment was Winnemucca. See, we took the business loop to find a pisser, so I had plenty of time to explain to my mom the story behind Winnemucca...which had been passed down from generation to generations purely through my own anus. "Winnemucca is a Paiute word meaning 'Yellow Mud' because...Winne means Winnie the Pooh...and they used to call mud Mucca...because the children would would pick it up to play with it and say eww mucca." "Really?" "Okay, I'm just pulling some BS out...but it probably means Yellow Mountain or something because of that yellow hill over there." "Hmm, maybe...but I like your explanation better." "Me too." So I googled that sh*t...because I was curious and despite the city's motto being "There's More Than Meets the Eye" which is an obvious Transformers reference, Winnemucca doesn't mean Optimus Prime. Rather, there's a far more interesting story about Chief Winnemucca, which loosely translates to "One Moccasinsin" and his daughter Sarah who was the first Native American woman to secure a copyright & publish in the English language. Far more interesting than the drive through the business loop, I assure you.

We stopped in Reno rather suddenly because we saw an In-N-Out Burger (technically in Sparks) and we had to have some lunch. I am of the opinion...that if I were to live near an In-N-Out Burger...that I would probably be well over 300 pounds within a month. That stuff is just delicious. After getting lunch there, we continued on to the Northstar-at-Tahoe ski resort area near the northern shore of Lake Tahoe. This may be where I work in the future. Enjoy the pictures during the Mud Season...but I'm sure Ski Season's even better.

Then we drove around Lake Tahoe to the southern end where our hotel was. This lake is HUGE!!! It's 22 miles long & 12 miles wide and averages about 900 feet deep. That's enough water to flood all of California about 14 inches deep. Hot, right? Well, it's also cleaner than the water that comes out of your tap. Here are some of the pictures...
Car Show at Harvey's Casino
This is where I said, "Yeah, I could live here"

The next day, we set out to check a few apartments in the northern part. Now, I won't bore you with pictures or details about the places we checked out...but it's definitely doable...and combined with the simply gorgeous surroundings of this happening mountain town, I'm really excited to see if this'll be my future habitat. The area's we looked into were the northern shore of the lake called King's Beach (very nice...and looks like a lot of former campgrounds turned into homes) and north up to the town of Truckee. So remember Sarah Winnemucca from earlier? Well, her grandfather was named Tru-ki-zo ('Good' in Paiute) or what was translated to Truckee (so not the truck stop that I thought it was originally). This area was a nice little historic town right along the train tracks...and we had lunch there...and here are the pictures to prove it.
It's no Rocky vs Apollo
because Bacon ALWAYS wins
This only cost five dolla in Vietnam...
"Tehehe...blow your own..."
Elvis' ki

Now, at this point, I want to share a little thing that I noticed about the ladies in this region. Being a male in his twenties, I was very keen to the appearance of the ladies that I encountered who were also in their twenties. There were basically four that I actually had a conversation with...and they all had one thing in common. The girl that checked us into the hotel, the clerk at beverage store, the young lady who showed us around the Sawmill Heights apartments, the sweet thang that served us paninis in downtown Truckee, all four had facial piercings. You know, like the little piercings that look like chrome-plated zits on the upper lip or the corner of their nose? Every girl that I met in their twenties had these piercings. I just found it odd. I don't have anything against them (though as mentioned, I do think they look like cyber-acne) but I just found it out of the ordinary...being from Utah where I could count the girls I've met with such piercings on one hand (and don't mind what the other is doing). Anyway, back to the trip.

The next day, we boarded a boat cruise for a four-hour tour of the lake (and where I gathered a few of those factoids from earlier). It was simply gorgeous...and they made us a fine meal of kabobs. Here are some pictures...including the Corleone estate from Godfather Part Two. Oh yeah...
"Shall you the bedroom madam?"
This water is cleaner than what's on bottles...
Emerald Bay

That night we wandered around the casinos and had some dinner...but nothing really out of the ordinary. Then the next morning, we drove home through Carson City, the state capital. Here are some pictures of the drive home. There was more napping and hits from the 70's than on-the-spot mythology about city names on the return trip. So yeah...that was it...and now I just have to see if my future employer wants to call for that first interview soon. It's an absolutely gorgeous place...and I hope that you all get the chance to check it out in your lifetime...if not just for a quick romantic trip (ladies...) or if for some reason you're in the neighborhood. Anyway, I'll keep you posted on the possible move there...but in the meantime, have a great night everybody!!!

Where Should I Go Next?