I've Lived the Life of a Man

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Sunday after blogging last time, I watched yet another ESPN 30 for 30 documentary entitled “No Mas” about the historically awkward boxing match in November 1980 between Sugar Ray Leonard & Roberto Duran. The movie is the story of Ray (and everybody else) looking for answers as to exactly what happened 33 years earlier. A little background for you… in 1980, Sugar Ray Leonard was seen as the pretty boy champion of boxing with his flashy moves, incredible smile & marketability. Then along comes this Panamanian boxer by the name of Roberto Duran whose nickname is “Hands of Stone” and just has a gruff, determined underdog look on his face the whole time… and basically with some tutelage from promoter Don King… he starts talking a LOT of sh*t leading up to their inevitable match. Think the premise of “Rocky III” with the great Clubber Lang talking sh*t to Adrian at a press conference for Rocky’s statue… cuz that kinda happened between Duran-Leonard in real life. Anyway, they fought… and Roberto Duran won the EPIC first fight in a decision… and was the champion of the world & Panama’s favorite son. So the inevitable rematch came just a few months later (different times back then), but Duran was living the high life in Panama & New York City, was rumored to be out of shape, Leonard had the “Eye of the Tiger” as it were… and basically in the 8^th round, with Sugar Ray out to a comfortable lead on points& just showing off pretty much… Roberto Duran did the absolutely unthinkable… he said “No mas” (“No more”) and just QUIT in the middle of the fight… and the boxing world LOST THEIR F**KING MINDS!!! You don’t quit!?! Fighters don’t just quit?!? QUIT??? WHAT??? Anyway, if you’re interested in boxing history, check it out… I ugh… it’s not for everybody. I’m not going to lie. It’s one of those 30 for 30 that’s primarily for sports fans… where they have the ones that are more for everybody (like “Survive & Advance”). It was pretty good though.

  

Sunday night, Izzy & I watched one of her mom’s favorite movies of all time that we stumbled upon on Netflix from 1947 entitled “The Ghost & Mrs. Muir” starring the legendary Rex Harrison (“Doctor Doolittle”, “Cleopatra”, “My Fair Lady”, “Agony & the Ecstasy”, etc) & “Heaven Can Wait” hottie Gene Tierney. The story is set in 1900 near London where a young widow (Tierney) rents a beautiful seaside cottage in the countryside… and finds out that it’s haunted by a salty sea captain (Harrison). Now, instead of getting scared off by the captain’s shenanigans… she’s intrigued by him… and they start to form a relationship… and she writes down his life story for a biography (where the term “ghost writer” comes from?) to sell to a publisher to help her afford & stay at the cottage. I don’t think I need to tell you that… she starts to fall in love with the full apparition… but alas, she is a young supple widow… and he is a floating pile of charismatic ecoplasm, so they can never be… or can they? I thought this movie was a great little treat & I can see why Izzy’s mom loves it… and I’m probably going to using my Rex Harrison voice for the next week or so because… why the hell not? I highly recommend this movie if you can handle black & white as well as stirring dialogue.

 

Okay, so one of my favorite things about watching old movies… is not only listening to the writing because… it’s SO completely different that most of what you hear in movies today. The characters & actors actually seem educated. I know… mind blown. On top of that though, I like to think how it would be if they tried to release this movie nowadays… and whether it’d work. For this one, I could just see the trailer in your head… and start rolling my eyes almost immediately. Picture if you will… a beautiful isolated seaside cottage, waves crashing, a motorcar pulls up and out steps Olivia Wilde (with an English accent) in turn of the century garb gazing up this vision of a cottage with those giant eyes of hers… then the real estate agent played by Chris O’Dowd takes her through the house, giving the details of the estate in a nervous manner… and then it happens, the ghost BELLOWS… sending Chris O’Dowd in a cowardly jaunt, shutting the door behind him with the lady inside (fun fact: pulled straight from the movie). She then follows him outside… and he spills the beans about the previous owners… including the captain who allegedly committed suicide. Wake up… the sh*t gets good in a minute! After the warnings, she looks at the cottage… smirks… and says “I’ll take it (or the proper English alternative)” Then she’s arranging her belongings in her new home, maybe a shot of her daughter prancing around… and then, the ghost bellows again. “I’m not afraid of you! We’re just going to have to learn to live with one another!” Then the ghost reveals himself… HUGH LAURIE!!! That’s right, I’m starting Hugh Laurie’s return to movies… in the role he was BORN to play. It doesn’t care where the movie goes from there… that’s your trailer… and the title… wait for it… “Ghost Writer.” You’re welcome, Hollywood! By the way, I didn't realize that they were on "House" together until I tried to find a picture of them together... incredible coincidence. I never watched "House" but it's still a great idea...

 

“But $teve, what is this movie that you’re pitching? Is it a stupid ass rom-com across dimensions & time like “The Lake House”? Or just a comedy about a ghost who helps out a family like “Ghost Dad” was supposed to be? OH!!! I know… it’s a supernatural thriller where Mrs. Muir helps the Ghost Captain to find his murderer!!! HOLY SH*T WE’RE MAKING A PERIOD PIECE REMAKE OF “GHOST” WITH OLIVIA WILDE & HUGH LAURIE!!! Quick!!! See if Kerry Washington is available to play the carnival medium who can communicate with… oh wait, shoot, she can already see & talk to him… we gotta work a black woman in here somehow for demographics… OOH!!! She has a servant, right? (hiss) Wait, never mind… that’s not going to work… we don’t need that kinda guff from the NAACP…” Hold on, Hollywood!!!! Stop right there. You’re jumping the gun on this awesomeness… and this is why I kinda like older movies, it’s actually about the story… and it’s open for interpretation. Yes, this movie will seem a little dated in many ways… but it’s nothing incredibly awkward (except maybe one scene where there was a guy at the beach standing awfully close & behind Mrs. Muir’s daughter Anna after carving her name in a plank) just a little slower pace, there’s a complex relationship going on with seeds of simplicity that everyone can relate too, a complete & utter lack of explosions… it’s just a good story, probably based on a play or something since there’s only like 2-3 locations, but it’s weird to think how movies like this was completely BOMB at the box office for the most part. Oh well, that’s what Netflix is for I guess. Good luck with this one, Hollywood!!!

 

Monday night, we watched “Halloween III: Season of the Witch” starring… well, the only guy that I really recognized was the evil CEO/President from “Robocop” playing… well, spoiler alert, an evil CEO/President. The main guy (played by Tom Atkins) seemed to be a poor man’s Dennis Farina but pretty good… and it was written/directed by Tommy Lee Wallace, the guy who brought us “Stephen King’s IT” (insert Tim Curry clown joke). It’s the 3^rd installment of John Carpenter’s classic “Halloween” movies… except this one doesn’t have Michael Myers, the unstoppable killing machine from the first two. No… they just went completely separate from this one. Why? Apparently John Carpenter wanted to stop making the pseudonymous slasher flick & get back to the title… Halloween. No more drunk teenagers being stupid & getting chopped in half… no, this time around it’s getting back to what makes the season of Halloween so special… commercialism. Oh, and mass murder of course. The main story really starts out with a man brutally murdered as he lay in his hospital bed by a mysterious silent assassin, who then casually walks out of the hospital, goes into his car, pours gasoline all over himself, lights a match, Michael Bay explosion! The doctor wants answers! The hot daughter of the victim wants answers too! So they team up to find answers… and what’s their clue? A Halloween mask… and the man’s dying words, “They’re going to kill us all!” Who? Who’s going to kill us? Why? How? When? I’ll stop it right there… and please feel free to check it out. It’s not a great movie… but it’s a good little Halloween flick… and it’s really fitting for the season too. It seems to be John Carpenter’s stab at the commercialism of Halloween, mocking the whole materialism of the holiday vs. it’s original meanings (or at least one interpretation of it) and it’s even complete with the catchiest jingle you’ll ever hear & some masks that… frankly I kinda want one… they look like top quality stuff, especially compared to most of today’s masks. You missed this year’s Halloween screening… but maybe put it on the list for next year.

 

I’m not going to spoil anything about this movie because I think you should check it out with some friends for a few laughs… but there’s one part in particular that really gets me. Around the end of act two, the Doctor & the Hot Daughter pose as a married couple at one point… and check into a motel room. Yes, immediately I heard the washboard from the bow-chicka-bow-wow music as they drove the car into the parking lot too… but they kinda gave it a decent amount of time for their relationship to develop (about 45 seconds) before they hit the skins. Normally that doesn’t bother me… but it’s just when you really think about the context that it really starts to get to me. “Oh doctor old enough to be my father with an ex-wife & 2.3 kids of his own, I know that my father died from his face being ripped off because I had to identify the body earlier today (wait, how did she do that again?)… and I know that we’re looking for his killers in an entire city filled with possible company agents… but you I should’ve told you when you brought me to this horribly designed motel room that nothing gets me hotter than the combination of family tragedy, gore, 80’s moustaches, floral pattern bedspreads, imminent danger & fairly wealthy replacement father figures… get inside of me!” You probably don’t even need a flashback to know her backstory… the real question is when’s her next shift at the Hungry I Club? Or was it the father or creepy uncle that molested her? Too far? Maybe… but yeah, that’s just how my mind goes in ridiculous situations… to ridiculous conclusions.

 

Tuesday night, I FINALLY watched "Sin City: A Dame to Kill For" after... well, it flopped at the box office & I think only had one showing in the Bay Area when it came out in September... but yeah, it stars a lot of people including Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Josh Brolin, Eva Green, Jessica Alba, Mickey Rourke and others. This is the long awaited (like... nine years) prequel to the original "Sin City" directed by Robert Rodiguez & graphic novel creator Frank Miller. I could tell you the plots... but honestly, it's a healthy mix of odd noir storytelling with plenty of narration, superstrong mythical figures with obvious weaknesses, bad guys that keep drilling in the fact that they're pure evil incarnate, and the real star of the show... VENGEANCE!!! If you haven't seen the original, go check it out... like right NOW!!! As for the sequel, I'd saw check it out if you liked the original... that being said...

 

What I Liked:

• Straight out of the Comics - The movie is beautifully shot (yes, I know it's green screen) and looks like it's ripped right out of the graphic novel that it's based on. It's essentially black & white... with a few accents of color (more than the original) but overall... absolutely beautiful.
• The Cameos - There are some great cameos in this movie... Powers Boothe is a pretty prominent role in this movie but there's also a day or two of shooting from Jeremy Piven, Christopher Lloyd, Ray Liotta, Dennis Haybert, Juno Temple, Lady Gaga, Christopher Meloni, Jamie King, Jamie Chung, and the great Bruno (Bruce Willis) among others.
• Rated R - Now, the movie is rated R... and for good reason as nobody under 18 should see this movie probably... but for as ultra violent & strong in adult themes & situations as it is... the blood is just white splotches... the language isn't nearly as bad as it probably could be... lots of language degrading to women but it's no Scorsese production.

 

What I Didn't Like:

• The Whole Johnny Storyline - Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Johnny... a gambler who can't lose... and not to spoil the whole storyline... but I think it was just 20 minutes of filler that means absolutely nothing to the rest of the movie... or really anything of interest or art noir or anything really... other than "Hey its JGL in this movie & sh*t happens.
• Stacy Keach Cameo - When I saw Stacy Keach's name in the intro sequence... I was totally hyped. Then... he was allegedly in the movie... at least his voice was... and a SH*TTON OF FLUFFY!!! Think Fat Bastard + the whole Klump family and movie it all into the face like he's a Carnivale float... pretty disappointed. Oh... and it's for less than a minute I think. If it's the only way to get Stacy Keach into this movie then... ugh... I hope he made a lot of money.
• Not as Enthralling as the Original - Now, I know the original has its flaws & I can accept that... but this prequel just was not enthralling. It seemed like... even the music was turned down... all of the male characters in the movie as complete idiots & all of the women are evil and/or stupid tricks... I almost kinda want to root for the incredibly despicable evil bastards that apparently run Sin City. Overall, I'd say check it out... but not as good as the original & obviously has it's flaws.

Anyway, that’ll do it for this entire of movie reviews… hopefully you find them informative… or at the very least entertaining. Later this week, more beer related activities… so until next time, have a great day everybody!!!

Sweetest of the Sweet Science

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

So… I kinda hafta get this out first & foremost because… well, you’ll see…

 

RETURN OF DMX – Yes… the multi-platinum rap GOD, star of Season 1 of “Couples Therapy”, and occasion Christmas carol enthusiast is returning to the limelight… and it’s even better than you think. This time, he'll be stepping into a boxing ring… against everybody’s favorite neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman. Yes… Hate Crime will be coming to your TV set in the near future… with commercials. Although no contract has been signed, a promoter is negotiating the bout as we speak. "DMX has promised to 'beat his ass,' but no contract or paperwork has been signed or agreed to yet," DMX spokesman Domenick Nati told CNN Wednesday. Best part: Zimmerman said the celebrity boxing match was HIS IDEA!!! Boxing was his hobby, he told Radar Online last month, even prior to the "incident." The incident, of course, is the February 2012 encounter in which he shot dead an unarmed 17-year old Trayvon Martin. He stood trial for murder but was acquitted last year. "Prior to the incident, I was actually going to the gym for weight loss and doing boxing-type training for weight loss," he told Radar. "A mutual friend put me in contact with Damon and provided me with an opportunity and motivation to get back in shape and continue with my weight loss goals and also be able to help a charity out." Damon is Damon Feldman, owner of Celebrity Boxing and a self-described opportunist whose claim to fame is putting together bizarre matchups. Think Tonya Harding, Michael Lohan. He said last week that he was accepting offers for someone to step into the ring for a three-round, pay-per-view fight with Zimmerman. "The news has been out for an hour and my e-mail is overloaded with 8,000 people wanting to fight George," Feldman told CNN on Thursday. Early Wednesday morning, he said he'd picked the contender. Out of more than 15,000 e-mailed requests, he's going with DMX. Praise Jesus! "The match will be one of the Biggest Celebrity Boxing matches of all time," his news release said (uppercase emphasis his). But in order to find out where and when it will take place, we'll have to wait until next week. Feldman said Wednesday he was shooting for March 15^th. Of course… if you’re looking for a fair fight… DMX is who you want in the ring. He's out for blood, he told TMZ. Not only will he break every rule in boxing, he said, he'll "beat the living (expletive)" out of Zimmerman. Not everyone welcomes the chance to see Zimmerman taking punches… even if it’s HIS IDEA!!! Rev. Al Sharpton told a Los Angeles group Wednesday that he was concerned "about the precedent that it sets." Yes… Rev. Al Sharpton doesn’t like the idea of grown men getting paid money to fight. I wonder how he feels about boxing in general… or the predominant denomination of athletes who make their living at it professionally. You know, Tommy Morrison and such. Too soon? "We must be very careful not to glorify or in any way sidestep the implications of making someone whose only claim to fame was killing an unarmed young man named Trayvon Martin into a cultural celebrity or hero," Sharpton said. A petition has been launched on Change.org calling for the planned boxing event to be canceled. "This is a blatant show of disrespect and nothing positive or righteous would come from such a stunt," it reads. Yes… it’s horrible… but George Zimmerman wants to do it… Earl Simmons wants to do it (DMX)… they’ll both be compensated… whatever. Let it be, Reverend. Besides… who doesn’t want to watch a man who’s overcome everything from child abuse… to crack addiction… to a top rapper… to a Hollywood leading man… in & outta jail… and now, he’s going in the ring against a guy who’s famous for doing stupid sh*t that the laws in Florida condone. THERE WILL BE BLOOD!!! And I want to see it spilt. More to come…

 

Tuesday night, I watched “You’re Next” starring… well, it’s a horror flick so you may recognize a few faces… but the only I did was a guy I knew from a few Farrelly Brothers flicks in the mid-90’s. The story revolves around a very well-to-do family who meet at their isolated summer home in the woods to celebrate their parents’ wedding anniversary… but then some unexpected visitors start picking off family members with crossbows… and machetes… and it goes from there. That’s really the whole story… and yes, it’s VERY predictable, even the “twists” that they throw in… but overall, not horrible for a horror flick… just that it’s been done over & over again. Better than most I’d say though. There are a couple parts that are just really cheesy… but hey, that’s half the reason that you watch, right? Yeah… pretty standard… that’s about all I gotta say about that.

  

Wednesday night, I was invited to a special screening of “The Monuments Men” starring George Clooney (also directed & co-wrote), Matt Damon, John Goodman, Bill Murray, Cate Blanchette and a host of others. This tells the true story (by Hollywood standards) of a group of art professors, architects, etc. who braved WWII to find & return countless pieces of incredible art during the final days of WWII. See, as the History Channel will confirm, Hitler’s plans were to take almost all of the art in Europe (and eventually the world) and move it to his epicly massive Fuhrer Museum that we planned to build in his hometown of Linz, Austria as a symbol of his Third Reich being the epicenter of all culture in the world. So while he was invading & taking over countries… he would then send in specialists (similar to the Monuments Men) in to get the art and send it back to Germany for storage until construction was completed. Well, then they ended up losing ground… and so then they started storing the works of art in secret locations… and then when their defeat seemed imminent, the orders were to simply destroy the art and wipe away a very large part of European culture along with it. Literally MILLIONS of pieces of art were involved in this epic snatch-and-grab job. So that’s where these Monuments Men come in… and try to find & take back all of the art before it’s destroyed. The problem is not only the Germans burning the art… but the Russian have their own team doing the exact same thing, looking for the art in order to start paying reparations for the 20 million people who died in the war. So then it’s a race against the clock… and by the way, it’s a bunch of middle aged art nerds in the middle of WWII.

 

I really enjoyed this movie… but it’s exactly what you would expect. There’s a few surprises but no real major twists. Americans & Brits are the good guys… the Germans& Russians are bad… the French are arrogant & so on. Some of the jokes may be a little high brow than I’m used to… and others were just… not that funny… but you know, it didn’t really drag on until a little towards the end. It’s a full two hours… you’ll have a few laughs… you’ll see a great historical story… it’s what you want it to be. No more, no less. Another special treat of this screening was that it was hosted or something by The Legion of Honor Museum (they have a few of the recovered pieces by the way) and one of the actual Monuments Men was able to attend… which by my calculations would’ve made him like… 95 to 125 years old. They presented him… and I’m pretty sure that he had no idea what was going on… but still, kinda cool. I’d recommend checking the movie out… but not necessarily in a theatre where they’re going to charge you $15 a pop… unless maybe you’re a well-to-do art student. I think Dizzy would really like it… and maybe get some of the jokes that missed with me.

 

Thursday night, Dizzy, Jackie D & I went to Brainstormer Trivia Night at Rogue Ales Public House in North Beach. It’s exactly what it sounds like… drunk people form teams (some are veterans there every week) and compete with trivial knowledge & offensive team names. Our team name of “Harry Seaward” was tame considered to some others… like “Philip Seymour Hoffman – Five Days Sober” and “Putin, Eat My P**sy Riot”. Anyway, six rounds of questions running the gamut of popular culture… and basically rounds of beers to accompany them in order to win fabulous prizes. Well, despite my suspicions that some of the teams were blatantly cheating by using their phones… we finished 4^th on our first time staying until the end. I’m proud of us… and I feel like we can do better in the future… but we’ll see if I can afford it. We were there for about four hours so that we’d have a table so… drinks were had.

 

That’ll do it for tonight… join us next time when we’ll share all the adventures of SF Beer Week, starting today & running until next Sunday. It should be quite interesting… or at least I’ll try to make it seem interesting. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Don't Let Go

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

It’s been a very busy few days… but I’ll catch you up briefly. First & foremost, Dizzy & my first batch of homebrew is going along splendidly thus far through it’s first fermentation process… and it seems to have so much SCIENCE going on the first few days… that we may be able to move to 2^nd fermentation this weekend (to give it that crisp, clear, clean appearance). Obviously we’ll keep you posted… since we’re both pretty excited about it.

 

My newest roommate Red Sox has just been a beast going through & getting the apartment cleaned up and ready to go in her first few weeks with us. She’s already arranged for a decently priced cleaning lady, we’ve gone through the living room & kitchen to clean up as best we can in preparation for her, and we’ve been establishing some ground rules for picking up after ourselves with the other roommates… and I already like it because she’s very proactive & doesn’t really hold back, whereas I’m a little more chill & “don’t want to step on anybody’s toes” but I’m quickly getting over that. I like this way better. Sh*t gets done! So yeah… it’s nice having a clean apartment & not have to passive-aggressively tell somebody to pick up their shoe collection that has gathered in the living room. Yay!

 

Both my niece & nephew are in school now, Vinny’s in kindergarten & Kairi’s in the 1^st grade (so actual full 7-hour days now) and they both seem to be loving it… and even my brother seems to enjoy it when I chat with him. Of course he’s still telling me that I need to get a PS4 & all the newest games on the PS3 so that we can blow up cops & rob banks or whatever… but yeah, he seems to be doing okay. Now if he could just get a job & stop living off my mom that’d be REALLY awesome.

 

My dad is needing his knee replaced… finally. The mixture of a life full of strenuous physical activity, above average height & age has finally caught up with him… and all the cartilage & tendons in his knee have been pretty shot for a while… but the doctor basically said there was no more that he could do… so he should be getting one of his knees replaced soon… and I assume the other isn’t too far behind. I’ll admit… it really sucks to see my dad (and other men that I respect in my life that are older than me, like uncles, Wingman, etc) who have their bodies starting to fail them… and it’s a kinda grim reminder that we’re all mortal (believe it or not) but you just have to appreciate the things that you have now & enjoy them while they last. Don’t worry, not going to get all sentimental & that jazz… but yeah, hopefully it all works out for them… and can’t wait to seem my dad or the others again as soon as possible, preferably by Christmas.

 

On Netflix, I stumbled upon this documentary called “Klitschko” about the heavyweight champion boxing brothers Vitali & Wladamir Klitschko from the Ukraine. Now, I didn’t really get into boxing until after Mike Tyson had lost his f**king mind, Evander Holyfield & George Foreman were well past their prime… and basically Lennox Lewis & Nasim Hamed were the key figures with this guy Roy Jones who was coming up… so not the greatest time ever. However, I watched this guy named Vitali Klitschko a few times on HBO… and it blew me away. It seemed so effortless for him… it was like watching Ivan Drago from Rocky IV but just with pure precision in his jab, very patient & kept his head away from his opponent (didn’t hurt he was a fellow Eastern European giant), almost instinctual dodging of … and then once he got his wore his opponent into a haze, he would just destroy them with jab/hook combos & they’d fall down. Then there was the Lewis-Klitschko fight where it was a bloody mess (and Lewis definitely helped by dragging his laces on an open brew wound) but yeah, always respected him as a fighter. Then his younger brother Wladamir came to be a champion as well as Vitali was succumbing to age.

 

This documentary basically follows them from growing up in the Ukraine (apparently near Chernobyl) behind the Iron Curtain of communism… and then being introduced to Western life via kickboxing tournaments in Miami & the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta… and then how they went into the pros & enjoyed the highest highs and lowest lows… all backed by a strong family bond. It’s really an incredible story & I highly recommend that you check it out. Warning: There will be a lot of subtitle reading because they speak a lot of German. Yes, German. Not Russian. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.

 

However, I think my favorite movie so far this year was one I watched last night called “Gravity” starring Sandra Bullock & George Clooney, directed & written by Alfonso Cuaron (“Children of Men”). I’m sure that you’ve all seen the previews for the premise… and I’ve been anticipating this movie since I first heard of the premise a while back. Basically, a team of astronauts is aboard a space station when a satellite thousands of miles away is destroyed… but the resulting orbiting debris heads their way like giant bullets and destroys their space station… and now they’re essentially marooned in space & have to find their way back. The tone of this movie was amazing is just establishing the atmosphere of the isolation, physical discomfort, your senses being shot, and just constant dangers in every aspect of being in the cold vacuum of space. I don’t want to spoil anything but the effects, sound, everything seemed almost perfect to keep the theme alive, keep the audience entertained & enthralled. The only part I thought was odd was one part where Sandra’s character says the thing she likes best about space was the silence… and that basically cued a musical score, which I thought was odd… but hey, it still worked. Oh… and I’m pretty sure that Sandra Bullock will be nominated & probably win her SECOND Academy Award. It still feels weird to say that for Ms. Wildcat from “Speed” but… yeah, great movie. Go see it… in 3D if you can. It’s amazing… and only like 80 minutes too. Other than that, not much else going on… so here’s some news about the Apocalypse…

 

Apocalypse Solution? - Florida officials trying to eradicate the Giant African Land Snail, one of the world's most destructive invasive species, plan to deploy a new weapon in the battle - Labrador retrievers. State agriculture authorities say they hope the dogs will add to their success in fighting an infestation of the slimy snails, which were first spotted by a homeowner nearly two years ago and quickly swept through the Miami area. On Wednesday, officials said that since the start of an aggressive extermination campaign they have collected 128,000 of the snails, which can grow as big as rats and devour plants as well as stucco and plaster in a hunt for calcium they need to grow their big shells (which can probably also be sold to finance other projects). In large numbers, the snails can cause extensive structural damage to buildings. "We see a lot of strange things in Florida and this one makes the top of the list," said Florida Agriculture Commissioner Adam Putnam. "It is a very serious pest." Putnam said $6 million has been spent so far to eradicate the munching mollusks, which may have been introduced to Florida by a Miami Santeria group, a religion with West African and Caribbean roots that was found in 2012 to be using the snails in its rituals. That’s right… they’re blaming Africa… get used to the idea. The snails can carry a parasitic rat lungworm that can cause illness in humans, including a form of meningitis, although no such cases have been identified in the United States… but it COULD happen, therefore panic. To stamp out the snails, a team of 45 people regularly fans out across Miami, sometimes using rakes and getting down on their hands and knees to hunt for them. The snail fighters are also using bait, chemical treatments and experimental traps to root out the mollusks, helped by phone calls from local residents who report sightings. Joining them soon will be canine detectors, including a Labrador retriever being trained to sniff out the snails. "They're very good at detecting the Giant African Land Snail," said Richard Gaskalla, the head of plant industry at the Florida Agriculture Department. "So we're building four-legged technology into this program as quickly as we can." The Giant African Land Snail has no natural predator (salt?), posing a challenge to eradication efforts. But it can give off a strong odor that dogs can be trained to detect. Officials showed off a black Lab named Bear who is expected to soon wrap up his three-month training and start accompanying the snail hunters. Two other Labradors are also expected to be trained, they said. Officials say they believe they have contained the snails to the Miami area. Gaskalla said the program was showing success, with a sharp drop in numbers found. "The number of detections this last year were in the thousands; now they are down to around 200 to 300 a week," he said. So why haven’t they started doing this earlier? And for the snake species that threaten our very existence? Perhaps the dogs aren’t strong enough or can’t traverse the swamps? Perhaps they don’t have the amount of large mutts able to take on this load? Perhaps they’re afraid that their new army of trained canine assassins could turn on their masters? In either case, at least they can use them to hunt down giant snails.

 

Saturday, Dizzy & I will be probably doing beer stuff… then going to see Bubbles race with her dragon boat team at Treasure Island… and then probably more beer stuff (cleaning & preparing bottles for our first batch of wholesome goodness). So yeah… should be a good little time… and the weather’s supposed to be gorgeous as usual out here. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Spanish Lotto Story

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Just a few more days until Super Bowl XLVI (pronounced “xil-vee” almost like Sylvie) and I’m ready for a party even if nobody else shows. Hell, I may even strike up the grill in the backyard if the mood sets me right. Let’s see, what’s happened the past few days? Bubbles & I had a nice Italian dinner at Il Borgo, a really nice place for a first date… hence why she knew of the place after a bad first date… but liked the restaurant & wanted to enjoy it with a REAL man. The atmosphere was very nice, the food was pretty good though the raviolis were a little firm & the service was pretty good too. Bubbles made a comment afterwards that the waitress was really focusing on me whenever she said anything… and my response was “Of course she was… She assumed it was our first date or something & she knows where her tip is coming from… the one paying the bill 99% of the time in that restaurant.” Overall, a great dinner with great company… and we got to catch up a bit & talk about things.

Fun fact: The other week when I loaned Gretchen to Bubbles for the weekend, on the drive back from Tahoe she ran a toll booth so I got the ticket. She said of course that she would pay for it & just let her know how much when it comes in. Well, this is San Francisco with their ridiculous prices on parking tickets, registration, etc so I thought I’d play a little joke. The notice came in the mail… and I sent her a text “Jesus! $230 for a toll violation?” and that was it. I pictured her on the other end frantically asking the other guests in the jeep to chip in, worrying a bit about how she was going to pay that on such short notice, probably having a few drinks to help her think… so after a few hours, I sent “Sorry typo, it’s just $30.” Yes, I’m an a$$ from time to time. Well, she mentioned that that was exactly what she did for the few hours leading up to that. I apologized but she’s got a sense of humor… and she’s known me forever… so it’s always a little expected.

Wednesday night marked the first time in a LONG time that all four roommates were in the same room at the same time. Literally months since that happened… so we celebrated by ordering pizza, drinking a bottle of wine & watching the news (Daily Show & Colbert Report). Just thought that I’d share that with everybody. Here’s some real news…

RIP Don Cornelius – In one of the worst possible ways to start Black History Month, the great Don Cornelius, the silken-voiced host of TV's "Soul Train" who helped break down racial barriers and broaden the reach of black culture with funky music, groovy dance steps and cutting-edge style, died early Wednesday of an apparent suicide. He was 75 years young. Police responding to a report of a shooting found Cornelius at his Mulholland Drive home around 4 a.m. He was pronounced dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound about an hour later at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, according to the coroner's office. Police Officer Sara Faden said authorities have ruled out foul play. Detectives have not found a suicide note and are talking to relatives about his mental state. His death prompted many to speak of the positive influence he and his show had on pop culture, music and the black community. "God bless him for the solid good and wholesome foundation he provided for young adults worldwide and the unity and brotherhood he singlehandedly brought about with his most memorable creation of 'Soul Train,'" said Aretha Franklin, an early performer on the show. Franklin called Cornelius "an American treasure." The Rev. Jesse Jackson told KNX-Los Angeles that Cornelius "was a transformer." "'Soul Train' became the outlet for African-Americans," Jackson said, adding that he talked to Cornelius a few days ago and there were no signs Cornelius was upset. Others also expressed their grief. "I am shocked and deeply saddened at the sudden passing of my friend, colleague, and business partner Don Cornelius," Quincy Jones said. "Don was a visionary pioneer and a giant in our business. Before MTV there was 'Soul Train,' that will be the great legacy of Don Cornelius. "His contributions to television, music and our culture as a whole will never be matched," he said. "My heart goes out to Don's family and loved ones." Clarence Avant, former chairman of Motown Records, said, "Don Cornelius' legacy to music, especially black music, will be forever cemented in history. 'Soul Train' was the first and only television show to showcase and put a spotlight on black artists at a time when there were few African-Americans on television at all, and that was the great vision of Don." "Soul Train" began in 1970 in Chicago on WCIU-TV as a local program and aired nationally from 1971 to 2006. You read right, it didn’t STOP until 2006. It showcased such legendary artists as Franklin, Marvin Gaye and Barry White and brought the best R&B, soul and later hip-hop acts to TV and had teenagers dance to them. It was one of the first shows to showcase African-Americans prominently, although the dance group was racially mixed. Cornelius was the first host and executive producer. My sincere condolences to his family & friends.

Boxing Trainer Angelo Dundee Dies - The biggest fight in boxing history might not have been nearly so big were it not for the cunning and quick thinking of trainer Angelo Dundee. Long before Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier met for the first time in their iconic heavyweight title bout at New York’s Madison Square Garden in 1971, Dundee saved Ali from a near-certain defeat in a fight against Henry Cooper. On June 18, 1963, when Ali still was known as Cassius Clay, Dundee noticed a tear in one of Clay’s gloves before the fight in London. Rather than say anything, Dundee filed away the information for future use. Clay was one win away from challenging Sonny Liston for the heavyweight title when Cooper decked him with a devastating hook near the end of the fourth round. Clay arose but was in bad shape and needed time to recover. That’s when Dundee, who died Wednesday in his Florida home at 90, used the information he had gleaned earlier. It was only after the fourth round, when a woozy Clay needed a longer break than the 60 seconds he’d get, that Dundee brought to the attention of referee Tommy Little the tear in Clay’s glove. Little immediately called time and ordered that Clay be given a new glove. The respite was all Clay needed to regain his bearings, and in the next round he stopped Cooper, continuing his march toward the heavyweight title and the ultimate showdown with Frazier. The bout with Frazier, which forever became known as “The Fight of the Century,” might still have occurred, but it wouldn’t have pitted two undefeated champions and thus would never have become as massive a sporting event as it did without Dundee’s quick thinking at the end of the fourth round of the Cooper fight in 1963. “As a trainer, Angelo was OK; he was good, but not great,” said promoter Bob Arum, a close friend of Dundee’s for five decades. “But as a cornerman, he was great. There was never anybody nearly as good as he was in the corner. He’d pick up things during the round, he communicated very well with his fighter in between rounds, and nobody, and I mean nobody, ever could motivate a fighter during a fight as well as Angie.” Dundee was instrumental in wins for many of the sport’s top stars, including Ali, Sugar Ray Leonard and George Foreman. In 1981, it was Dundee’s now-famous line, “You’re blowing it, son. You’re blowing it!” which helped motivate Leonard to rally and knock out Thomas Hearns in the 14th round of their mega-fight at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. In Leonard’s autobiography, “Sugar Ray Leonard: The Big Fight,” he credited Dundee’s exhortations for helping him to win the bout, writing: “The way Angelo said it was as important as what he said, with the perfect mixture of urgency, encouragement and affection. Angelo was no Knute Rockne, but, with the exception of the Dick Ecklund fight (see “The Fighter”), he knew precisely how to get through to me at the most pivotal moments, and no moment in the fight, or in my career, was more pivotal than this.” Dundee wrote about the same incident in his book, “My View from the Corner,” and though he said, “It wasn’t a battle cry that would wake the echoes,” he, too, believed his encouragement played a role in Leonard’s turnaround. “It didn’t take a brain surgeon to see that the moment had gotten away from us, that there were no more Sundays, no more tomorrows, and no title at the end of the road,” he wrote. “Something had to be done. Now, there are certain rules for trainers in corners: There’s no time for hand-wringing; and no time to get preachy. You’ve got to give your fighter stripped-to-the-bone advice, just as Manny Seamon had given Joe Louis in the second Jersey Joe Walcott fight when he told him simply, ‘You’ve got to knock him out,’ and Louis, heeding his advice, did.” In total, Dundee trained FIFTEEN World Champion boxers in his career including obviously some of the all-time greats. He was elected into the Boxing Hall of Fame long ago but his legacy will hopefully live on now that boxing has kind of hit a really sad time in the sport (seriously, I don’t know what’s going on with Mayweather-Pacquaio but if the biggest event POSSIBLE is to put two little dudes in a ring & let them duke it out… or dance around in a way that’ll never live up to all the hype… then that’s bad).

Such a horrible way to start off the month with news like that… and if I were in Pennsylvania, I’d keep an eye out on Puxatawny Phil tomorrow for Groundhog Day. You never know, he may have a heart attack seeing his shadow… and then what? Winter would never end? Kind of a reverse global warming? “Oh $teve, you crazy! That’d never happen.” Really? Then how do you explain this?

Manneken Pis Update - The Manneken-Pis, a bronze statue of a young boy urinating that is a symbol of Brussels and a major tourist attraction, has had to stop peeing because of sub-zero temperatures, Belgium's tourist office said on Wednesday. Officials turned off the flow of water through the statue, which has stood on a Brussels corner since the 1600s, out of concern the cold might damage its internal mechanism (bladder). Temperatures in the Belgian capital were set to fall to minus 10 Celsius (14 degrees Fahrenheit) Wednesday night, far below the average minimum for February. "It all depends on the weather, if the temperatures go up again it will work again," a tourist office spokeswoman said. The statue, which is on the site of a 15th Century drinking fountain, has more than 800 specially made outfits which city officials use to dress it up during the year. It is one of Brussels' most popular attractions… because we are all weirdos. It makes perfect sense though… because if it’s too chilly outside to whip it out, even for a few moments to relieve one’s self… then it should be turned off… and I don’t anticipate too many people are going to be particularly offended if there’s not a lemon flavored piss-sicle off the statue in the heart of winter. I’m just always looking for an excuse to mention obscure things that people find fascinating for really no reason other than… it’s a statue of a boy pissing… that people dress up throughout the year. It’s not exactly as quirky as say… having your national symbol be a tower with a horrible foundation surrounded by pickpocket gypsy hordes like Italy & the leaning tower of Pisa. Don’t get too high & mighty America! Two of the great symbols of Freedom, Independence, Hope & most of all LIBERTY in our country… are a bell that we cracked, tried to fix & cracked again… and a gift statue of a lady in a toga that was made & designed in France… and they’ve got one just like it in Paris. Just a little food for thought…

Spanish Lotto Story – Back in December, the tiny Spanish village of Sodeto collectively won a major stake in the annual $950 million Spanish national lottery. Today, the village of farmers and construction workers is enjoying a minimum payout of $130,000 per resident. CHA-CHING!!! And yet for all of the new wealth making its way around Sodeto, one villager came away empty-handed (wah-waaaah…). Costis Mitsotakis, a Greek filmmaker who moved to the village for a woman (it’s always a woman’s fault), is the only resident of Sodeto who did not purchase a ticket. Mitsotakis says he is no longer with the woman and now lives in a barn he is restoring just outside the village. Mr. Mitsotakis said it would have been nice to win. But he has benefited nonetheless. He had been trying to sell some land without much success. The day after the lottery a neighbor called to say he would buy it. The next day another neighbor called. But Mr. Mitsotakis refused to get into a bidding war. "This is a small village," he said. "You don't want bad feelings." Spain's national lottery, known as "El Gordo" (the fat one), was first established in 1812 and operates somewhat differently than most American lotteries. For example, this year there were 1,800 first-prize winning tickets, each with the same winning number of 58268. Each winning ticket was awarded a cash-prize equaling $520,000. But since each ticket costs $26, Spain allows them to be divided into as many as six "participations." As for the other residents, they've found that with the newfound wealth comes distractions and fortune seekers. The village has reportedly been bombarded with sales representatives of all forms, each trying to cash in on the nearly $150 million infusion of wealth. More from the New York Times: “On a recent morning, the vendors just kept showing up: bankers in suits offering high interest rates, car salesmen talking up BMWs and furniture dealers going door to door. Like many other local farmers, José Manuel Penella Cambra, who had recently invested in more efficient irrigation techniques, worried about how he would meet his payments. But his wife bought two tickets, worth $260,000, and his son found two more she had bought earlier and had forgotten about, bringing the total to $520,000. "I kept saying: look for some more, look for some more," he joked in the village cafe, a shabby establishment with a few Formica tables and a ripped black leatherette sofa.” Of course, in a town where everyone is rich, who serves the wealthy? As Mayor Rosa Pons notes, "Some of the ladies talked about going to the hairdresser. But the hairdresser won, too. And she said, 'I'm not working today.' So that ended that." Ah the inconveniences of having too much money… what a shame it must be. How’s that for a nice little tale? Some hardworking farmers & construction workers finally get a nice chunk of change to hopefully set themselves for life & not have to worry about The Man taking their homes & livelihood. Kind of sad that the mere working hard doesn’t take care of that for everybody but… hey, that’s the Game.

What would you do with $130,000 that just popped up overnight? I’m curious, please leave me a little note.

By the way, let me ask y’all another quick question if I might. Well, you know, really a series of questions. Let’s say that you had a dream job as a kid. I’m sure it differs from firefighter to archeologist to princess to whatever… but let’s just say it’s a pretty average job like… an engineer. You’re good at math as a kid… like real good… and you REALLY enjoy doing it. You study hard, you do all kinds of extra projects, join the various school teams to compete against others that are also into engineering. You approach your senior year of high school… and you have an important decision to make about where to go for college. There are even places like MIT, Harvard, all the big names coming out and actively recruiting you based on your performance in the competitions & offering you scholarships and full access to their facilities to further your studies. Then again… there are also companies telling you that college would be a waste of time because you’ve already read all the books that they’re going to be teaching from & you’ve already got your own theses & experiments going & idea ready to go. Plus… they’re going to offer you a starting wage of $350,000 a year because they feel that you’re already in the top percentile of engineers. You’re working part time at a grocery store to get gas money to go to all your classes and have a little fun on the weekends… and within a month’s time, you’d be making six digits a year for something that you love to do… and they’re going to be teaching you along the way too, with their state of the art facilities. You’d take that mutha f**king job in a heartbeat, right?

No? You still want to go to a university for the “college experience” with your peers? By the way, the “college experience” regularly involves stuff like dropping out, barely making ends meet, unexpected pregnancy, STDs, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, sex addiction (if that’s a real thing), and then after four years… you can hope that you didn’t f**k things up along the way… but let’s say for the sake of the example, you didn’t succumb to any of that… you’ll get a similar offer for that six digit salary you passed on years earlier… or maybe something along the lines of $500,000 a year. Do you take it now? Of course you do, right? You’re in the real world.

Add this other twist four years earlier: Let’s say that instead of $350,000 a year right out of high school graduation… they offered you $1,000,000 a year. Would you take the job then? Of course you would. You’d be a Goddamn fool not to, right? How about if you had no say where you’d be working from other than it would be in one of their offices in the United States (and one in Canada)? Would you take the job then? Absolutely! Even Detroit has gated communities that would welcome you with open arms with an annual salary of seven digits. Okay… do you see the point that I’m getting around to? If not, let’s say instead of being an engineer… you play basketball… or football… or some other sport. Do you still think those teenage kids who jump straight from high school to the pros are foolish? Then perhaps you’re being a little foolish. Oh… and the $350,000 a year, I think that’s still the minimum salary for a 15th player on the bench in the NBA but that was a few years ago so it may be more… and the average salary isn’t $1 million, it’s more around $5-6 million per year… or basically over a hundred times what I make in a year & I’m doing pretty good, I think. The point is… Don’t hate the Playa, hate the Game.

Anyway, that’ll probably do it for tonight. Excited for the forthcoming Super Bowl Party!!! The game shouldn’t be too bad either, but we shall see. Kinda want both of them to lose… but I’d rather go for the Patriots than the Giants. Sorry Jersey!!! Have a great weekend!!!

Or We'll Cut It Off

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday morning, I didn't feel too well waking up. Think it might've been the late night chimichanga...but all better now. Watched a bit of college football with my dad...and apparently Tim Tebow IS mortal...but I've also been thinking a lot about the future, as I'm sure just about everybody does at one time or another. So many questions out there...and it really doesn't help that my lease is almost up at my apartment and they want to know in less than three weeks what's going on. "Wish I could tell ya where I'm going to be." The bit of good news is that if I renew my lease, they're going to throw in wireless internet...so I theoretically shouldn't be "borrowing" internet if I'm here for another six months. Then again, when they mentioned the hot tub, they also told me it was 24 hours...and forgot to mention that it's basically solar powered with regards to the heat. Sigh...rabble rabble.

That night, we watched the Vitali Klitschko / Chris Arreola heavyweight boxing fight. Now, since I assume most of you don't watch boxing nowadays (like I usually don't) I'm going to give you the back-story in the only way that I know how...with movie references, mostly Rocky. Now, Vitali is probably my favorite boxer from the past 30 years. Why? Here's his story...the way I see it. Born & raised in Kiev, Ukraine, I'm assuming that he was a teenager just before the Wall came down in Berlin...and he watched a movie called "Rocky IV" where he watched a story of an elderly tiny American underdog beating the great Soviet champion Ivan Drago...and he probably thought, "This movie is the horse manure. Drago would never expose himself to Italian Stallion like that. His technique is flawed. Russia would win." So from that point on, he decided to prove it to the world...and pretty much did. He originally trained as a kickboxer...but then focused on the "sweet science" of boxing...and basically just destroys opponents with jabs while keeping his head away from danger...and then when the time is right, he just destroys his opponent with the strength of a cyborg and the precision of a surgeon (which he also is...as well as an accomplished chess player). He has only "lost" two fights...and both were complete horse manure...because they were to Lennox Lewis & Chris Byrd...and the referee stopped the fight because of a cut over his eye while he was far & away ahead on points. I watched the Lewis fight...and it was rigged...but it's boxing so what do you expect. Also, Vitali has a younger brother Wladimir who was his ringside with him...and is also a heavyweight champion. They always sit in each other's corner...and I just always thought of what would happen if...let's say, there's a rabbit punch delivered...and the trainers run into the ring to protect their fighter...and Wladimir ran in there too...and punches were thrown. That could be a messy altercation for the 73-year old, 118-pound cutman who got within the tremendous reach of the reigning champion who doesn't even have gloves on to protect...others. Anyway, just a random thought that I have...as I usually do.

Chris Arreola played the role of a mix of a Rocky underdog...and "The biggest Mexican I've ever seen" image from Desperado. Born and raised in East L.A. and finally given the chance to fight for a championship before his home crowd at the Staples Center, the first Mexican-American to fight for a heavyweight championship in over forty years, a man who months ago looked like a tanner version of Butterbean but slimmed down somewhat (though still loves Coronas & chimichangas...but who doesn't?), covered in tattoos, a fighting style eerily similar to Rocky too - come in with a wailing assortment of combinations and just destroy his opponent with brute force & grit. "YOU'RE A WRECKIN' MACHINE!!!" The stage was PERFECT!!! The crowd was on his side. He was going against a guy who was ten years his senior. He was ready to prove to the world...that he was a force to be reckoned with...and he was representing his people. The fight started...and everything went as planned. Klitschko was keeping him at a distance, using his four inch reach advantage & technique to wear away at Arreola...who was in turn trying to get inside and work at the body a bit, trying to get the Ukrainian champion to slouch his posture and expose his head to violent combinations. That being said, Klitschko's strategy was working...and Arreola was getting blasted with those explosive jabs...round after round after round. Around the 7th, Arreola started getting a little desperate...and had to make a move. When he got close, Klitschko would lock him up...but exposed the body a bit...and Arreola tried some short-range hooks before the referee separated them. The champion was unphased. Then he tried coming in with some wild combinations...only to find a defensive jab, usually followed by a right hook. When he would get locked up, the challenger would try to rub the blood from his face onto the champion to maybe confused the referee to stall the fight. It was getting late into the fight...and Klitschko had barely broken a sweat...and Arreola was bleeding fairly profusely from his nose and lip...and his face was swelling like a balloon over Megan Fox's head (she's THAT hot). Now, it seemed, it was just a matter of going the distance against the champ...and after twelve hard-fought rounds, it went to a unanimous decision to Klitschko. Arreola was devastated. This had been his big chance, millions of people across the world were watching, the crowd had been cheering him on the whole time...and he felt that he had let them down. He burst into tears right there in the ring and buried his shame-ridden face into a nearby towel. Klitschko, being a true champion, was quick to say, first & foremost, that Arreola was a great fighter and will be around for years to come...and he certainly will. Perhaps a rematch in Arreola II? We shall see. It was a great fight (by today's standards). An even better one though, would've been two spectators that I saw sitting next to each other when they were showing the crowd - Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now THAT would be worth the price of Pay-Per-View.

Saturday, I also watched "Dance Flick" which is a parody of all those dance flicks like "Save the Last Dance" "You Got Served" "Step Up" "Honey" "Flashdance" but surprisingly...no "Dirty Dancing" references. It was pretty funny and exactly what you would expect from the Wayans Brothers. It's basically the story of "Save the Last Dance" where a snotty white high school ballerina chick (played by Shoshanda Bush who looks a lot like a hot mix of Jessica Alba & Julie Stiles) who moves to Da Hood and meets the street dancer guy (played by Damon Wayans JUNIOR who looks exactly like his dad back in the In Living Color days) and there's a whole story about a street battle...and some owed money...and pop culture references. It's a Wayans Brothers flick. The plot doesn't really matter...just the execution of the jokes...and most of them are done pretty well. I would highly recommend it. Also, don't be concerned if you haven't seen any of the movies that it's referring to...because if you've even been forced to see the previews a few thousand times, you'll get most of them. Of all the movies referenced, I have only seen "Honey" (mind your own business, that's why) but it was still pretty good. Oh...and there was a "Twilight" reference...and it pretty much summed up the entire movie of Twilight, "Frankly I'm a bit disappointed." If you liked the Scary Movies, Don't Be A Menace... or any others, I say check them out...and support all those Wayans kids...because apparently they have kids & grandkids now too.

Go for the Gusto - Dalton Chiscolm is unhappy about Bank of America's customer service -- really, really unhappy. Chiscolm in August sued the largest U.S. bank and its board, demanding that "1,784 billion, trillion dollars" be deposited into his account the next day. He also demanded an additional $200,164,000, court papers show. Attempts to reach Chiscolm were unsuccessful. A Bank of America spokesman declined to comment. "Incomprehensible," U.S. District Judge Denny Chin said in a brief order released Thursday in Manhattan federal court. "He seems to be complaining that he placed a series of calls to the bank in New York and received inconsistent information from a 'Spanish womn,'" the judge wrote. "He apparently alleges that checks have been rejected because of incomplete routing numbers." Chin has experience with big numbers. He's the judge who sentenced Bernard Madoff to a 150-year prison sentence for what the government called a $65 billion Ponzi scheme. Bank of America Corp faces real legal problems, including New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo's threat to sue its chief executive and a judge's embarrassing rejection of a settlement with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission. Yet the money Chiscolm wants could dwarf all the bank's other problems. It's larger than a sextillion dollars, or a 1 followed by 21 zeros. Chiscolm's request is equivalent 1 followed by 22 digits. The sum also dwarfs the world's 2008 gross domestic product of $60 trillion, as estimated by the World Bank. "These are the kind of numbers you deal with only on a cosmic scale," said Sylvain Cappell, New York University's Silver Professor at the Courant Institute for Mathematical Sciences. "If he thinks Bank of America has branches on every planet in the cosmos, then it might start to make some sense." Judge Chin gave Chiscolm until October 23rd to better explain the basis for his claims, or else see his complaint dismissed. Personally, I would like to hear his claim...and then laugh squarely in his face. "Really? Emotional damage? For more than a BILLION TIMES the world's gross domestic product? You couldn't just...go for a million and settle for a few thousand? You got greedy sir...and for that, you get nothing. I bid you good day." In fact, were I a judge, it's a good thing that I don't live in Poland.

Polish Pedophiles Beware - On Friday, Poland approved a law making chemical castration mandatory for pedophiles in some cases, sparking criticism from human rights groups. Under the law, sponsored by Poland's center-right government, pedophiles convicted of raping children under the age of 15 years or a close relative would have to undergo chemical therapy on their release from prison. "The purpose of this action is to improve the mental health of the convict, to lower his libido and thereby to reduce the risk of another crime being committed by the same person," the government said in a statement. Prime Minister Donald Tusk said late last year he wanted obligatory castration for pedophiles, whom he branded 'degenerates'. Tusk said he did not believe "one can use the term 'human' for such individuals, such creatures. Therefore I don't think protection of human rights should refer to these kind of events." His remarks drew criticism from human rights groups but he never retracted them. "Introducing any mandatory treatment raises doubts as such a requirement is never reasonable and life can always produce cases that lawmakers could never have even dreamt of," said Piotr Kladoczny from the Helsinki Foundation of Human Rights. "If somebody is of sound mind, we punish him. If he is sick, we try to cure him. That's how it works in Polish law. This bill introduces both approaches. As far as I know, this makes our law the strictest in Europe on this issue," Kladoczny said. The bill, which also increases prison sentences for rape and incest, must still be approved by the upper chamber of parliament. This is seen as a formality as Tusk's Civic Platform party holds a majority of its 100 seats. I like it. I'm not sure of the details of "chemical castration" but my image is of sulphuric acid being poured on a pedophiles genitalia...and I'm not opposed to it. Okay, so I'm sure it's a little more humane than that...but still, I don't like pedophiles & rapists. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they don't like themselves either. Perhaps I should write my congressman and get the paperwork started on something like this here in the States. Anybody else feel me? I'm really into the idea of creating a website for this cause. Both for the cause...and for the absolute absurdity that it might actually work...and being a spokesperson for the matter, I might get to go on some respectable pundit shows and debate this with real experts...or at the very least be on Fox News (rim shot). I'm liking this idea more and more the more I think about it. Yeah...

Larry King: "Welcome back. I'm joined by Doctor Mookie Love, President of the group called...is this right? I'm being told this is correct. The group is called 'Or Else We'll Cut It Off!!!' which is backing legislation towards the castration of pedophiles and rapists. Thank you for joining us, Doctor Love!"
$teve: "Please, call me Mookie, Larry."
Larry King: "Thanks...but I'd rather not."
$teve: "Doctor Love it is. Sah da tay."
Larry King: "And also with us is Miss Gretchen Smith, spokesperson of the Human Rights Group TRAPT which stands for 'Technically Rapists are People Too' Welcome to the show, Miss Smith."
Miss Smith: "Thank you, Larry. Please call me Gretchen."
$teve: "Sine yo pitty on the runnie kine, Gretchen. My damie."
Miss Smith: "Ugh...that was directed at Larry. You can refer to Miss Smith."
$teve: "Ah, so you are nasty. Whatever you'd like, Miss Smith...and whenever you'd like..."
Miss Smith: "Larry? Really? Is this guy even a doctor?"
$teve: "I'll have you know I'm a gynecologist...and I work with kids...but not at the same time like the people you're defending."
Miss Smith: "WHAT? I'm not defending their actions. I'm merely stating that the Constitution..."
$teve: "HOW DARE YOU??? THE CONSTITUTION DOES NOT DEFEND RAPISTS!!! I'VE READ IT!!! TWICE!!!"
Larry King: "Dr Love, I'd hate to jump in here but..."
$teve: "YOU'RE OUTTA LINE, KING!!!"
Larry King: "Ugh...it's my show. That's why my name is on it."
$teve: "Oh yeah. Sorry sir. Pedophiles just make me SO ANGRY!!!"

It'd be great television viewing for all...especially when I purposely throw out meaningless factoids...and basically try to turn Larry King Live into a mix of Jerry Springer & Loveline...and pick fights with guests who would only show up via satellite...in my Randy Savage voice. I am totally going to see what I can do to get this off the ground. Let me know if you'd like to be a part of this movement. Also, if you have any ideas for names better than "Or Else We'll Cut It Off!!!" it would be greatly appreciated as well. Sure, I like it...but it may be kinda confusing on a T-shirt...and it doesn't have the same appeal as those breast cancer awareness shirts with "Save the Tatas" or "I Love Boobies" or something. Have a great day everybody!!!