The Rockford Files: Love 'Merican Style

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

If you’ve read my blog for a few years now… you know that Hollywood needs me. Everything is a reboot of a reboot of a prequel of a sequel… and dare I say that more than half of it just isn’t that good without a few beers in your system. All the while… some great source material is out there that… for whatever reason, Hollywood just won’t jump on to tackle the real issues facing our society… like the Judicial System, Corruption, the role of the Police in Society, Gun Control Laws, and of course Concussion Awareness. It is for that reason, I figured that I would save casting directors in Hollywood some time in bringing forth a story that should… nay, MUST be told… I’m of course referring to…

 

The Rockford Files - Coming 2016

(queue 2^nd season’s funky version of the intro music)

 

Basic plot outline: Jim Rockford is a former felon turned private investigator who lives in a trailer on a beach in Malibu… and it seems about every week he ends up finding a dead body, getting a concussion & then having to solve some sort of crime to avoid staying out of jail for the rest of his life. Helping him along the way are his dad “Rocky”, his best friend/police contact Dennis, apparently the world’s greatest lawyer Beth Davenport… and then there’s his “friend” Angel who 90% of the time seems to be actively trying to put Jim away in jail or get him killed… yet he’s still around because… you know, plot convenience. Anyway, the show was amazing by 70’s & early 80’s standards… won a bunch of Emmys… and the overall feel while being obviously an action series, was also just dripping with humor… and occasionally a few “very special” episodes that spoke out about problems in society. Now, Izzy & I have spent the past few months watching all six seasons of the show on Netflix (and yes, even four of the TV movies that popped up in the early 90’s) so we’re essentially experts in the world of all things Rockford. So with that in mind, here are my thoughts for who should play the key roles in a modern retelling… and of course Izzy helped immensely… so anything that you don’t agree with the choices, blame her…

  

 

Main Characters

 

Jim Rockford – Vince Vaughn – This one is pretty easy… and apparently he’s been part of a project to make a “Rockford Files” movie for some years now… just nobody seems to really care about it except a small group of badasses. Jim is cool as the other side of the pillow… incredibly witty… has apparently f**ked just about every woman he’s ever met… a Vietnam vet (maybe Gulf War in this retelling) whose somewhat physically imposing… but knows when he’s outmatched physically (or they have guns) & then resorts to fast talking, distractions and often horrible fighting… or just making a dash for his golden Pontiac Firebird, pulling a “Rockford” (reverse 180) and getting the f**k outta there. Brilliant, resourceful, but ultimately realistic. I can totally see Vince rocking this role.

 

Joseph “Rocky” Rockford – Tommy Lee Jones - Rocky is a retired truck driver who checks in with his son just about every day to go fishing or do some maintenance to either home. He’s the ultimate old school father who works with his hands, loves his son with all of his heart & questions every decision that his son makes… especially on his seemingly permanent bachelorhood. He also has to conceivably play the father of Vince Vaughn… and have some dry comedic chops. Jones fits the bill pretty nicely. There are plenty of other actors that I would really like for this role ranging from my doppleganger Dennis Quaid (tall, maybe too young & good-looking?) to former truck-driver actor Kurt Russell to somebody like Jeff Bridges… or I really like the idea of Michael Keaton or Steve Martin in a role that doesn’t usually take center stage in the story, but is there for a bit of comedic voice of reason.

 

Sgt. Dennis Becker – Joe Pantoliano - Becker is Jim’s best friend and key contact within the police department to help him out with privileged information, whether information on a case, legality of certain issues, or information like license plates & criminal backgrounds. When they’re not working, they’re usually barbecuing or fishing. He’s funny in a sarcastic sense usually… but his Italian-American mannerisms come out as he’s definitely a force to be reckoned with. He is a good cop after all. In the series, Becker was played by legendary cop actor Joe Santos (“Last Boy Scout” among others) and it’s really one of the highlights of the show. Also, obviously Jon Favreau was considered playing the role being a Vince Vaughn led movie and all… but Becker isn’t there just to be funny… and I don’t want the audience waiting for Jim to say “You’re so money” or something like that. Who else do I like? John Cusack & Steve Buscemi don’t seem like they could be cops… but I like their work. Gary Oldman isn’t funny usually. Mark Ruffalo might work. Josh Duhamel is too distractingly similar to Vince I think… and I basically had to talk myself out of casting Nicolas Cage just because of the mix of the receding hairline & you literally have no idea what could come out of his mouth at any given time.  

 

Beth Davenport – Charlize Theron/Diane Lane – Beth is apparently the GREATEST LAWYER IN THE HISTORY OF LAW!!! Nearly every week, her client / occasional boy toy Jim stumbles upon a dead body or two… unwittingly gets involved in somebody else’s con (“ANGEL!!!”) or involved in some sort of assault… and will barely spend a night in jail while waiting for paperwork to be filed… because Beth is to the rescue… and unlike most lawyers, apparently she accepts payments in sweet lovin’ as opposed to wire transfers. She’s tough. She’s brilliant. She’s gorgeous. She’s a career woman… but she has a soft spot for Jim’s charms… but also, Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn… especially a woman who plays the Law like a f**king violin. Charlize is in high demand since she starred in “Mad Max” and other great flick… so that’s why I have Diane Lane as my 2^nd choice there. Both have that aura of a beautiful, strong, independent, yet vulnerable female. If both are busy… then I’m down with bringing back Ashley Judd or Neve Campbell… but absolutely not Jennifer Aniston… who again I’m sure is who the studio would pick. Nothing really against her… it’s just that I don’t everybody thinking that this is a sequel to “The Break Up” or anything.

 

Evelyn “Angel” Martin – Mel Gibson – Okay, here me out! First off, Angel is probably my least favorite part of the show. If I had a friend like Angel… I would be mourning my friend Angel. Jim met the lifelong confidence man & hustler named Angel during his time in jail and apparently there’s a lot of brotherly comradery based on events that took place in prison. Maybe Angel saved his life a few times from getting shiv’d or becoming property of the Aryan Brotherhood or something like that… I don’t know the details & it’s probably better that way… so I get the sense of loyalty that Jim feels for Angel. We all have friends like that to a certain extent. However, after the first… I’d say dozen times that he acted maliciously in an attempt to get me killed or take the rap for his wrongdoings… I’d dump his ass… or maybe turn him in to my best buddy Lgt. Becker for a decent collar. I’m just saying. Regardless, in this version, I really like the idea of Mel Gibson playing this erratic con man buddy of Jim’s as kind of a step above a cameo. He’s in a few scenes… a few laughs are involved… and he may come into play later in the movie as a kind of wild card member of the team. Is he going to come through for Jimbo? Or is he just going to leave him high & dry in his time of need, or when the going gets hot? Gibson has been on the outskirts of Hollywood for a few years now, but I also really like the idea of a megastar like Tom Hanks or Edward Norton in this smaller role… but I would assume that in a real life version of this movie, Owen Wilson gets the role to get some “Wedding Crashers” reunion going. Here, you be the judge... try to tell which is which...

 

Supporting Cast

 

Lgt. Doug Chapman – Alec Baldwin – Chapman is Becker’s boss… and they don’t like each other… mainly because Chapman knows that Becker is helping Jim to do what he sees as kind of vigilante police work… and that’s just not acceptable. Baldwin has a commanding presence… and some comedic chops & timing if needed. A close second for me in taking this small but vital (for conflict & turning the story) role… Viggo Mortensen. You want a commanding presence who can strike fear in the Hulk (Ruffalo)? Have you seen “History of Violence”? Ooh… Ed Harris would be good too… anyway, the options are there.

 

Lgt. Thomas Diehl – Adam Carolla - Although I really liked the idea of Becker being the breakout acting role for Adam Carolla, unfortunately I just don’t think it’s realistic for me to get it signed off with the studio. However, I think that I can get them to sign off on a 2-3 day shoot with the Ace Man as the stern & angry boss of Lgt. Chapman… who may not particularly care for Rockford… but is okay with him as long as the results are there. Otherwise, in the slammer for interfering with police work like anybody else… stern but fair. You know what, you can switch Carolla & Baldwin for all I care, Hollywood… Carolla as Chapman, Baldwin as Diehl… they’d both be small parts in the movie I would think anyway.

 

Officer Todd – David Duchovny – Officer Todd was the only recurring character on the show that actually dressed like a cop, in full uniform… and he would just kind of show up in the scene, hand off some paperwork to Chapman or Becker, occasionally make a wiseass remark, and then exit stage left. It made me wonder who the actor that played him in the series (Luis Delgado) knew to get that role? Is he related to a producer? Anyway, Duchovny may be a little old to just be a standard officer rank… but then again, maybe he has a history that has restricted him to what amounts to full-garb secretary status. Did he used to date Chapman’s sister? Who knows? Maybe keep it for the sequel…

 

John “Coop” Cooper – Kevin Bacon – Around Season 5 of the show, Jim meets this disbarred Southern lawyer… and he helps him out (while Beth Davenport is off opening her own firm somewhere else?) with both legal advice AND the occasional grunt work. This may be more of a character for the sequel after my movie pulls in $500 million worldwide on a modest budget (mostly stunt cars & retro digs) and then you could pull in a bigger name like Matthew McConaughey in a small role (2-3 days of shooting) or maybe even Woody Harrelson for a larger role… but I’m going with Bacon.

 

Gandolph Fitch – Wesley Snipes – One of the great names in fictional history, Gandy is… a “friend” of Jim’s from the joint. That right there should kinda tell you why I picked Snipes for this role… but he was originally portrayed by the late great Isaac Hayes in the original series. Additionally, they don’t really go into depth about their relationship other than Gandy was a bit of an enforcer while on the streets& even in the joint… and would absolutely destroy people in prison who crossed him… and Rockford was a “friend” of his who felt that he owed him. Do you see what I’m getting at here? I kinda think that Jim Rockford was Gandy Fitch’s bitch in the joint. Think about it… that’s why he constantly refers to him as “Rockfish” too. It gets even more twisted when you realize that Jim ends up proving that Gandy went to jail for a crime that he didn’t commit. What does that mean? The justice system once again f**ked Jim Rockford. Literally. Anyway… I think Snipes would be great for the part even though he’s not a towering figure (especially 5’10” compared to 6’5” Vaughn) but I think it could still work… and since the death of Michael Clark Duncan, the other well-known actors are either Will Smith, too small (Terrence Howard, Blair Underwood, Denzel Washington, etc) but you could also put an mid-40s athlete in there… like Shaq (shudder) or maybe more appropriately somebody like LeBron James (between his other movies) or a towering out of work football player… ah hem… Lawrence Taylor is still around, right? Nah, let’s go with Blade! Passenger 57 in the house! NINO BROWN!!!

Lance White – Matt Damon – Tom Selleck played this role in a few episodes of the original series… and that was the inspiration for Magnum P.I. Fun fact: The Rockford Files basically ended on a high note because James Garner was getting too old to do his own stunts… and nobody else is James Garner… and at the same time, Hawaii Five-O was wrapping up… so the producers basically decided to combine the two to make the 80’s magnificence that is Magnum P.I. Anyway, in the Rockford series, Lance White is… basically the perfect private investigator. He’s tall, good-looking, intelligent, suave, successful, award-winning in fact, a fighter, a lover, a true gentleman in every sense… he even marries a f**king heiress… and he’s so perfect that you can’t even f**king stand him. There are plenty of alternative actors in their late 30’s/early 40’s like Leonardo DiCaprio, Jude Law, Hugh Jackman, Patrick Dempsey, Orlando Bloom, hell… maybe Justin Timberlake or Tom Brady that could come in as the super successful version of Vince Vaughn to irk him while helping him out… but I think Matt would do it with a moustache a la Selleck… and that’s really the selling factor for me.

 

The Movie Plot - Now, I don’t really have the story for the first movie exactly plotted out just yet… but let’s be real, this initial movie will be the starting point for a series on the Fast & Furious level. Typically the episodes / TV movies go one of a few ways. Sometimes there’s a damsel in distress who looks up a private eye in the phone book & sees Jim’s picture so they call him first and they end up crying in his trailer. Honestly, there’s a LOT of episodes that start with “I saw your picture in the phone book” as he was picked at random for some twisted deed. It’s kind of hilarious. Other times Angel will somehow get Jim involved in some kind of con and lets him take the fall… those sometimes involve the Mafia too… the Italian one, not the Gay Mafia. Other times there’s a big evil business man doing big evil stuff (again usually involving the Mafia) or some kind of real estate scam where dead bodies end up. Other times it’s usually a family member of somebody’s suspicious murder where an inheritance is involved (doesn’t sound familiar at all). You can go a lot of different ways with it… and depending on what characters you want to work into the first movie, you can plot it out pretty easily. Maybe focus on the main characters & establishing the world of Rockford with the first… then bring in Gandy for the sequel… and then cap the original trilogy with a little help from Coop and/or Lance White involving some terrorist plot. Escalation!!! Oh wait… as long as the plot is tight & there’s some character development, you don’t need an epic “Heat” style shootout or intergalactic war involved in the movie’s finales. Huh… great box office returns AND saving on budget. That’s why you can cast stuff like…

 

The Bad Guy – TOM HANKS – YES!!! I want Thomas Jeffery Hanks to be the Bad Guy in the first movie!!! Okay, here we go, just off the top of my head… I’m thinking something along the lines of there’s a damsel (played by Elisabeth Shue) who shows up at Jim’s trailer with the story of a suspicious death of her father… Jim would love to help, but it’s an open police case… and he doesn’t do open police cases… besides, he’s got this big fishing trip up at Lake Arrowhead that he’s been planning with his dad. Damsel starts the waterworks… “well, maybe I can help you out a little bit… tell me more…” Damsel lists a few suspects, Jim offers to look into their activites & see if anything odd… “$200 per day plus expenses (adjust for inflation)” He goes to the police station to get some info on the suspects… including one well-respected businessman (Hanks) who’s even on the board that the police answers to… “Rockford, if I catch you bothering Mr. Sprockets I’ll jerk your ticket!” (or some other outdated ambiguous homoerotic threat Chapman often makes) and the story goes from there. Twists & turns, Jim gets knocked out near a corpse, spends a night in the slammer, Beth breaks him out, he gets some “word on the street” from Angel, maybe has to protect Damsel at a motel, bing bang boom, underlying plot threads are unraveled, final confrontation with bad guy… who ends up flying out of a window somehow… SPLAT! Wise ass remarks, quick resolution, drive off into the sunset with damsel in his Firebird… roll credits… top it off with a sequel beg Easter Egg. You’re welcome, America!!! Worst case, if Hanks doesn't want to be the bad guy (with a Walt Disney moustache mind you) then just insert Nicolas Cage, Christophe Waltz or Bryan Cranston... but I like the idea of Tom Hanks being the evil CEO of Bubba Gump Shrimp or something.

 

Anyway, just give me a screenwriter’s credit… More of these to come… you’ve been warned… coming soon… have a great weekend everybody!!!

Thin Man & Bacon Girl

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

There have been a few recent posts on the Terrible Lizard Brewing blog about our SF Beer Week adventures… but now it’s time for the more journal-ish part of the blog… about just my silly ass. So here’s what you might have missed. Ugh… One night, Dizzy & I watched “The Ladies Man” starring Tim Meadows, Will Ferrell, and the ageless one Billy Dee Williams. Seriously… did you know that Lando is in his mid-70s? Which means that he was about 65 when “The Ladies Man” came out… and 43 when he was f**king Lando in “Empire Strikes Back”!!! Mack fact, Jack! Black don’t crack. Anyway, I’ve reviewed this movie before (go see it if you haven’t) so I won’t bore you with it right now. Check out the archives.

 

Courtesy of Netflix, we watched “The Croods” starring the voice talents of Nicolas Cage, Emma Stone, Catherine Keener & others. The Croods are a family of Neanderthals who basically spend their days hunting & their nights hiding in a cave to avoid getting eaten. Until one day, their curious older daughter (Stone) goes out into the night… and finds a slightly more evolved young man (Ryan Reynolds) who tells her that the world is going to end in a great destruction that’s coming. Well, it comes… and now this family must escape dangerous creatures and make it to… I don’t know, the Great Valley (for all you “Land Before Time” fans out there). It’s a kid’s flick… and it has some funny moments… but yeah, fairly predictable. The weird thing is that I remember this show having a poster at my bus stop for… I don’t know… four months leading up its release… and then I didn’t see it anywhere. Maybe that’s how the kids shows are nowadays. If they don’t have $100 million the first week, then they’re fast tracked to DVD sales to make way for the next one that will… but yeah, good to see Nic Cage still getting work. He’s the father Ugg by the way. Check it out if you have kids… or if you don’t, you’re not really missing much. Whatever you do… don’t be a dinosaur / ice age nerd and be looking for anything resembling scientific fact or reason though. Just remember, it’s a kid’s flick. There will be farts.

 

Thursday night, Dizzy & I had a little bit of a Valentine’s Movie Night and were going to the El Cerrito Theatre to watch “The Thin Man” which is the original of the Nick & Norah series… but that showing was sold out… so we decided to just swing by Silver Screen Video & pick up their copy. Oh, you haven’t heard of the Nick & Norah series? They’re from the 1930’s is probably why… but it may sound familiar. It’s a former detective husband Nick Charles (William Powell) and his playful heiress wife Norah (Myrna Loy) and they investigate murder cases… basically because they’re bored… and usually have cocktails in their hands while doing it. Also, this movie was directed by W.S. (stands for Woodbridge Strong) Van Dyke… who get this, from 1917 to 1942, directed 91 films. That’s almost four films per year… so basically the opposite of directors nowadays who direct one every four years. Also, this movie also had one of the great suave Latin lovers of the day… Cesar Romero. What’s that? Oh you’ve heard that name somewhere? Because he was the f**king Joker in the 60’s Batman TV series… but before that, he was even MORE awesome. Anyway, the movie is kind of a Hitchcock detective flick meets the Marx Brothers as Nick & Norah are always quick with the witty remarks & impeccable comedic timing… and I absolutely loved it. They movie was fun, intriguing (if just to see the separate beds in the master bedroom & the jargon of 80 years ago when the movie was made) and just a good ol’ time at the movies. Sure, it would’ve been cool to see on the big screen but… oh yeah, I have a big screen at home. Problem solved. Now we’ll probably have to see some of the other Nick & Norah movies… and I’m perfectly okay with that. Now for some news…

 
 

Jersey Bacon Festival - Get ready for bacon like you've never eaten, drunk or worn it before. Bacon milkshakes. Chocolate-covered bacon shaped like roses. Bacon-flavored toothpaste, dental floss and lip balm. Bacon bourbon, margaritas, beer and vodka. Bacon ice cream sundaes. A BLT sandwich with a full pound of bacon. They're all on the menu this week as one Atlantic City casino stretches the bounds of good taste and cardiovascular health with Bacon Week. The festival at the Tropicana Casino and Resort gives new meaning to the term "pigging out." The idea of a bacon festival is not as far-fetched as it might sound. Americans eat about 1.5 billion pounds of bacon a year, according to the National Pork Board. And the website bacontoday.com counted nearly 30 bacon festivals around the country from late April through December 2013, many of whose tickets sold out in minutes. "Bacon is like heaven," said Nadina Fornia, of Egg Harbor Township. "If you're going to die, die with bacon on your lips and a BLT in each hand." Perhaps a little dramatic… but she was drawn to the casino Monday by the promise of bacon in far-out forms, including milkshakes and beer (not in the same glass, thankfully.) She also heard about the bacon-infused vodka. "That is my quest today," she said. Fornia tried a bacon bloody Mary mixed with a smoky bacon beer. Despite the overwhelming salty taste and the small strip of bacon floating in the glass, it tasted mostly like sharp tomato juice, she said. Nearby were chocolate covered pretzels with crumbled bacon bits; chocolate-drizzled potato chips with bacon, two kinds of pasta dishes with bacon, bacon cupcakes, and bacon wrapped around a fake green stem to form roses, which were then dipped in chocolate. "The first taste is chocolatey, then it's all bacon," said Melissa Ehrke, of Egg Harbor Township. "I was a little surprised I liked it, 'cause I was afraid to try it. It's that whole sweet and salty thing." While bacon-flavored grooming items are sold at festivals around the nation, they were encountering some skepticism at the Tropicana this week. "There are people that are just crazy for bacon," said Denise McGrath, of Neptune City. "But bacon toothpaste or floss? I'm not that crazy." James Sanders, of New York City, was in heaven trying as many free samples of bacon-flavored items as he could get his hands on. "I love me some bacon!" he exclaimed between bites of ... something. "I don't even know what this is, but it's got bacon in it. And it's good!" Sanders said eating bacon is a multilayered experience. "You keep chewing it and chewing it, and the flavor comes out the more you chew on it," he said. "And then you get to the fat and that floods into your mouth. I just love it." Carrie Jorgenson and her husband, Mike, were downing the bacon bloody Mary beer concoctions, while channeling celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse. "I love pork. All things pork," she said. "That's what Emeril used to say, that pork fat rules, and it does." So… in other words… it’s like our Bacon Day parties… but over in on the Jersey Shore. Good to know but… I’ll stick to the West Coast… cuz you and I know it’s the Best Coast.

 

Anyway, again, be sure to check out the Terrible Lizard Brewing blog for some of the fun recent events in the world of $teve & Dizzy. Some of the things coming up from SF Beer Week include us helping with a 200+ gallon batch of IPA, a Barleywine festival, a big homebrew party with the SF Homebrewers Guild, and a bunch of our own homebrew things like starting a new batch (Oktoberfest), bottling another (Winter Warmer)& sampling a few others (Bourbon Barrel Porter & Quick Mead). Have a great weekend everybody!!! And Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Bacon & Beer Day

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well, Saturday was our first official Beer & Bacon Day at the apartment. In the past we had a few Bacon Days… and drinks are always readily available… but this was our first joint venture with our own Homebrew as a featured player. Why now? Well, Wednesday January 22^nd was the 453^rd birthday of Sir Francis Bacon… former Lord Chancellor of England… and an accomplished philosopher, statesman, scientist, and author who’s probably best known for his work in helping to establish the Scientific Method. Don’t worry, Kevin Bacon’s birthday is in July (probably when our next one will be) and National Bacon Day is during Labor Day Weekend… so there are other reasons for such events even if they’re not directly related to each other. Basically, Dizzy & I like to cook delicious things and make beer… and Bacon is probably our favorite food that isn’t on the endangered species list (I assume Panda taste like meaty pumpkin pie… and that’s why they’re almost extinct) so we like to have a gathering of friends & family, make some delicious dishes, and now… we’ve included our incredible homebrew options as well.

 

Now, I want to say from the get-go… that basically everybody that attended was Dizzy’s family & friends because… all my family is back in Utah… and apparently I have no friends here in the Bay Area besides those I’ve acquired through my association with her… but hey, it’s all good… they’re great peeps. Guests started arriving around 3 PM… which was perfect because we had food ready & waiting for them… BEHOLD!!!

 

Drink Menu:

·         Irish Red Ale

·         Pumpkin Ale

·         Bavarian Hefeweizen

·         Nut Brown Ale

·         Honey Root Beer

·         Adam Carolla’s Mangria (both red & white peach)

Food Menu:

·         Bacon-wrapped chicken breast rolled in brown sugar & Cajun seasoning

·         Bacon-wrapped cheddar jalapeno poppers

·         Bacon fried in pumpkin pancake batter

·         Bacon Turtle Brownies

·         Spent Grain Bread (a HUGE hit)

·         Bacon Quiche (two kinds)

·         Bacon Pecan Brittle

 

We also made some sourdough & bacon grilled cheese...

and blue cheese or cheddar for the melty goodness...

The guests came in waves… first was Dizzy’s aunts and they brought a few quiches with bacon in them… and then a few of her friends from Sacramento showed up… and then as the evening progressed, some of her coworkers stopped by after their shifts. It started with talking about the food, and a few times we answered questions about the homebrewing process and the differences between the different beers… and basically why they were so much better than they were expecting… even showing off our batches that were almost ready for bottling (Mead & Porter) and our newest batch (Winter Warmer) that were off to the side in the living room. They seemed really interested (or at least feigned it well) and REALLY liked the beer. They tried everything… and I think our biggest hits were the Pumpkin Ale and the Hefeweizen. Now that the Hef has aged a bit, it may actually be a Dunkelweizen. We may have been sent the darker malt extract, because it tastes more like one & is still pretty dark for a hefeweizen. Regardless, it’s pretty delicious now.

 

Preparing for the next event...

Skele-Pig watches over the food & accepts your donations...

"... cuz I'm fly... that's why..."

 

We also played board games like Toc Toc Woodsman (kind of like Jenga, but with an axe chopping down a tree), Avalon (a King Arthur based game of strategy) & Cards Against Humanity (R-Rated Apples to Apples if you haven’t heard of it), all of which were hits & helped to keep everybody entertained… and let’s face it, the drinks helped.

 

The last guests departed a little after midnight… and we had gone through about four pounds of bacon, two pounds of chicken, a 40-pack of jalapeno poppers, over a case of homebrews, and various other ingredients… but well worth it. We had a FANTASTIC Saturday night with great people… and we also have some HUGE fans of our offerings so it’s good feedback to carry into our next batches and beyond. Maybe our next stop will be offering to the SF Homebrewing Guild so that they can critique our beers. I’m excited about that prospect. They could definitely help us take our “hobby” to the next level to make sure that we’re making fantastic product… and not just stuff that we think is awesome because we made it & our friends won’t tell us that it sucks… but I doubt that’s the case. It’s really good.

 

Stay tuned for other big things this week… we have new batches to bottle, transfer and/or start anew… there’s the possibility of another Brew Day at Elevation 66… and just a host of other things coming your way thanks to our borderline obsession with things beer-related. There’s also a visit this week from friend of the blog Jackie D… and SF Beer Week is just around the corner. So much going on!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Behold A New Blog - Terrible Lizard Brewing

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

This weekend was pretty relaxed… and surprisingly chilly for the Bay area. That being said… the temperatures were still in the 40’s & 50’s during the day… and frosty in the 30’s for overnight… but compared to the -15 stuff back home in Utah… or the torrential downpour of snow & sleet at NFL games on the East Coast, we’re pretty f**king lucky out here. Here’s the version of SF Snow from the coldest it has been in my three-year tenure here…

 

Saturday, we moved our Mead to 2^nd fermentation carboy… pretty easy & standard stuff… but just thought that I’d share with ya…

 

We followed it up with a lunch consisting of Bacon & cheddar burger patties that I found at Safeway… they were pretty good…

 

Last week, the Wingman introduced us to a fun horror parody movie on Netflix called “Tucker & Dale vs. Evil” starring Tyler Labine & Alan Tudyk as two rednecks on a fishing trip at their dilapidated cabin in the woods… and then through a few acts of confusion… a group of preppy college kids think they’ve abducted one of their classmates… so now they attack Tucker & Dale to get her back. It’s actually REALLY hilarious& plays on all the usual horror clichés… but adds a little real world application… but not a whole lot of common sense… I would highly recommend this to anyone who enjoys a good horror parody… but without all the grotesque, sexual references that you get from all the “Scary Movie” episodes… though I enjoy those as well. Think of it as a cross between “Shaun of the Dead” and “Cabin in the Woods”. Not shabby company if you ask me.

 

A non-parody horror flick that I saw the other night was “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane” starring Amber Heard and directed by Jonathan Levine (“50/50” & “Warm Bodies”). Apparently this movie was made back in 2006… but wasn’t widely released until September 6^th, 2013… so that… might indicate the kind of movie that it was right off the bat. If they thought they were going to make a lot of money… or any money given the shoestring budgets of horror flicks, they would’ve released it. However, I was still curious… and let’s face it… Amber Heard is HOT!!! Anyway, the premise is that a group of “cool kid” high school kids invite good girl Mandy Lane (Heard), who got REALLY HOT junior year, to a party at their secluded ranch in Texas. All the guys (and maybe the girls) are planning on popping that sweet virgin cherry of hers… but there’s one problem… partygoers start disappearing… and then reappearing as corpses. I won’t lie… it’s a pretty standard horror flick, though it might’ve been intriguing if it was released 7 years ago… but there’s really no surprises or anything. The only thing really unique about it is the way that it’s shot… but it’s mostly just the use of lens flares (not quite JJ Abrams, but noticeable) and some of the scenes are really dirty & grotesque to a point you almost feel like you can smell it… but that’s kinda what you expect. Anyway, it’s okay… but not great by any means. Did I mention that Amber Heard is hot? She’s in other movies like “Drive Angry” and “Rum Diary” though if you wanna see her… or my personal recommendation, the underrated “The Joneses” opposite David Duchovny & Demi Moore. You’re welcome.

 
 

Last night, I was able to get in on a preview screening of “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” starring… well, you know, everybody from the first Hobbit movie. This was the 2^nd of three movies in the Hobbit trilogy… and it picks up were the 1^st movie leaves off… with a bunch of dwarves, a wizard & a hobbit named Bilbo on their way to the Lonely Mountain to take back the dwarvish homeland from a fire-breathing dragon named Smaug (voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, sorta). Along the way, they battle giant spiders, orcs, elves (then join forces), and are thrown in a dungeon a few times yet always miraculously escape. Then they come to meet up with Smaug… and he’s basically invincible. Fun fact: That description I gave you… was for a 161 minute movie. That being said… it did NOT feel like it was that long. When it ended, I was expected a lot more given the run time that I knew going in… but it leaves off on a cliffhanger of course… because there’s a third movie to be released next holiday season. Now for this portion, the movie is exactly what you would expect. Magic, dark forces, lots of talk of honor & vague phrases, walking, sword play, arrows, axes, more walking, scenery of New Zealand, hot elvish chicks (Evangeline Lilly), talk of weed, more walking, etc. The fight scenes are pretty epic… but it seemed weird that at times they were almost too fast to pay attention to… and then would slow down quite a bit (specifically the barrel chase scene where it goes all over the place defying all logic & physics) but overall the pace of the movie seemed a little off at some points. However, I know it’s tough to keep people interested for five minutes let alone 160… so yeah, I would definitely recommend this if you liked the first four such movies. I’m excited to see the last movie too. Besides, there’s a f**king dragon voiced by KHAAAAAAAN in this one. How bad could it really be?

 

By the way, if you haven’t already, check out our (Dizzy & mine) new blog about our homebrewing adventure entitled Terrible Lizard Brewing. That blog is specifically made for basically anything beer-related… including our homebrewing updates, reviews of breweries, books, TV/movies, festivals, and various other adventures all regarding BEER!!! There’s also some of our artwork, design ideas, hilarious photos & stories, and all the other stuff that you’d expect from this blog… just with a higher ABV. Coming up this weekend… we go on a bus-driven brewery tour across the Bay with the SF Homebrewers Guild on Saturday… and then we will start our first all-grain batch of beer on Sunday… and it’s a Bourbon Barrel Aged Porter, which should be quite epic AND amazing.

 

That should do it for today. After next week’s update, there may be a slight hiatus while I go back home to Utah for the holidays… but I assure you that I’ll be back in time for early 2014. That reminds me… I’d better start on the $tevies for this year. LOTS of competition in a few categories… so we’ll have to see how those turn out. Have a great week everybody!!!

Chapter 3: Modeling Clay... er, Bottling Day

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Sorry, been really busy the past few days… but more on that later. First up… BEER!!!

 

Chapter 3 – Modeling Clay… er, Bottling Day

 

Yes, it was finally time to bottle our first batch of Irish Red Ale… which means in less than two weeks, we’ll have about 50 bottles (of various shapes & sizes thanks to our scavenging of empty bottles & luxurious taste for brew variety) ready for consumption… and of course, sharing. Pictures…

 

An extra pale ale... just playing, it's a carboy with cleaner...

 

The next step was transferring our 2^nd batch, the Pumpkin Ale, from the 1^st carboy to the 2^nd carboy for secondary fermentation. The transferring gives the beer a cleaner appearance by taking out the stuff on the bottom… and then allows it to continue Science for another two weeks before bottling…

 

Now, because we were a little pressed for time on Sunday, we didn’t get to start our 3^rd batch, Hefeweizen. However, it’s okay because the batch doesn’t take as long to ferment being a bit of a lighter beer… so we’ll be back on track before you know it making another batch in sequence. Now for the rest of the week that was…

 

Last week, Dizzy & I finally watched “Iron Man 3” starring Robert Downey jr, Don Cheadle, Sir Ben Kingsley, Guy Pearce & Gwyneth Paltrow and directed by Shane Black (“Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”). This installment in the Marvel’s “Iron Man” series was set shortly after “The Avengers” and apparently Tony Stark/Iron Man (Downey) is having a little PTSD after nearly dying in the previous movie’s climax (spoiler alert?). At the same time, there’s an extremely Osama-like terrorist (with some kind of ridiculous accent like Walter Cronkite) named The Mandarin (Kingsley) bombing all over the world & sending threatening messages to the United States. Well, Tony pokes the hornet’s nest… and the threat comes to his front door… or more specifically, through his floor-to-ceiling windows facing the ocean on his Malibu home dangling over a cliff. You’ve all seen the previews. Then after he narrowly escapes from that attack… he randomly finds himself in the middle of BF-Tennessee (seriously passed out & woke up there in the snow), befriends a kid, and has to piece together what’s happening. There was a LOT of… disbelief involved in this movie… and there are still a LOT of questions to a LOT of scenes but… I’m not going to give too much away. It’s what you expected… and not in a particularly good way… but still worth a watch I guess if you’re into the genre. The whole climax & ending is just… pretty bad. I place this one by “Thor” as a “eh… I might watch it a second time… if I’m in the mood” but Thor at least had Natalie Portman every so often. My big question… what’s the deal with his suit shutting down every time somebody touches his wrist? It goes into complete paralysis… I feel like Iron Man’s suit can be rendered inept by reaching into an oven to get a plate of brownies or something. Anyway, it’s… okay.

  

Saturday, Dizzy & I went to the 1^st annual San Mateo Bacon & Brew Festival in their Central Park. They had live entertainment by way of a 70’s rock cover band named Dutch Uncle (actually pretty good), plenty of food… and of course… dozens of local & regional breweries with a few of their staples. Since it’s late September, it only makes sense that about half the beers were Oktoberfest brews (wait, does that make sense?) but there were also plenty of light ales to compliment the gorgeous weather… and we got some Pork fries that were quite amazing. We ate & drink like kings for about $40 total… and that’s with souvenir mugs. Maybe we’ll see you at the 2^nd annual B&B festival next year.

 

Afterwards, we attempted to see Devil’s Canyon Brewery… but apparently it was bought out for a ten year high school reunion… so instead we tried Anchor Steam… and they were closed… so we went a block away to the Whole Foods Steep Brewery and tried a few things there. We actually had our first experience with sour beers… and Biere de Garde… and I think we’re going to investigate making those very soon… definitely a batch or two by summer.

 

Next was heading over to J-Mo’s apartment for another “Bomb Squad” Gaming Party… and this one was a lot of fun as well. We ended up staying about six hours, eating pizza, drinking beer, ordering hot wings, just having a fabulous time. Not a bad Saturday at all… followed up by a beer making Sunday (discussed earlier), watching a little football, laundry, and all that other stuff.

 

Tuesday night was our Softball team’s Playoffs & Championships. I played leadoff hitter & right fielder the first game and we won something like 19-6… and then it was the championship against the only team that had beaten us earlier this year… and honestly, the only team have beaten us the past three years that I’ve been with the club… so I would say OUR RIVALS!!! Well, we had the rest of our usual team (you know, guys that played in high school, college & still play in tournaments outside of work) so I was moved to Designated Hitter… but basically for the day I was 4-for-5 with a run & 3 RBI… and of course a walk. In the championship game… we got out to a great lead of 9-0 after the first four innings & basically shut them down defensively with some great field play (and cheering on my part). Then they started to score a few… and I’m not one for drama… but we ended up crushing them 9-4… so now we’re back-to-back champions… and we went to Friends Bar in Portero Hill to celebrate for a bit. WAY TO GO TEAM!!!

 

Well, that should do it for today’s update. Quite a big one… hope you enjoyed it… until next time, which I’m sure will be awesome… have a great day everybody!!!

Chapter 2: Pumpkins, Dragons & WAR

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

This weekend was pretty awesome… except for the Eagles losing but… let’s face it, we can have high expectations all we want but we had the #4 pick this last year and “improved” by signing… a college coach… and a 3^rd string quarterback in Matt Barkley. So yeah, back to realism in that regard.

 

Saturday, Dizzy & I went to the Dragon Boat Festival on Treasure Island to see our good buddy Bubbles compete for the first time here in her home town (she did Vancouver a few months ago). After the series of races, her team finished in 3^rd so that was pretty impressive, she got a medal & everything!!! The festival itself was also very nice… a few booths for selling things, the usual carnival style food offerings with an Asian emphasis, some fairly traditional ceremonies… but yeah, here are some pictures…

 

This was in the kid's area...

BEHOLD! Your tax dollars at work!!!

After the festival, we ran some errands, ate some Nation’s with her mom & Uncle Ed, then went back to my place to start batch number two of our Homebrewing Adventure – Smashin’ Pumpkin Ale!!! Here are some pictures of that…

 

We start by taking the Red Ale from Chapter 1

and siphoning it into a 2nd fermentor...

Then we clean out all this stuff from the first

carboy for the next batch...

Pumpkin Ale - Sh*t smelled like pumpkin pie...

Now they ferment for about two weeks side by side...

or until Chapter 3 if you prefer that terminology

A little something to hold you over...

Maple Bacon kettle chips

Anchor Steam's Autumn Maple Red

Afterwards, we went upstairs & watched a few documentaries. First up was “Chasing Ice” about a man who has been photographing & documenting the scary decline of glaciers in the Arctic circle from Alaska to Iceland & Greenland. Basically he tracked it by going to some of the most remote & dangerous climates in the world… set up some cameras to take pictures every hour of daylight… and then when you set it to the usual 24 frames per second you basically see these glaciers just break off & disappear. Over the course of like six months, it basically looks like a river of ice just flowing out to the ocean. The photography & cinematography were absolutely breathtaking for this movie & I recommend it just for that… but the point of the documentary is to show that… basically global warming IS a concern & the glaciers are basically evaporating before our very eyes.

 

 

Next up was “Beer Wars” which of course struck us personally. The documentary was made by a former CEO of Mike’s Hard Lemonade (Anat Baron) who basically showed the back-story of the cutthroat world of the nearly $100 billion industry of American beer. Obviously the direction of the movie is a little biased, but the main theme is that there are the BIG BOYS of Anheuser Busch (about half the market share) and the new Miller-Coors-InBev conglomerate (over 40%) and then all of the other little guys (including Samuel Adams, Blue Moon, Sierra Nevada & all the other microbrews and “supermicrobrews” COMBINED) make up the remainder (about 4-6%). Of course, because they’re the big boys, they increase profits by cutting down on the quality of beer, increasing advertising to compensate & muscling out the little guys making the quality stuff by having a major lobby in congress & using still illegal tactics of cutting out the wholesaler distribution options whenever possible… so basically it’s just another big business in America! It’s a very interesting story complete with interviews with some of the CEO’s & owners of other small guys like Jim Koch with Samuel Adams, Sam Calagione of Dogfish Head, Kim Jordan of New Belgium & others. Basically what I pulled from it is that if I’m looking to get into the industry, I have to focus on my product & keep my expectations realistic… because it’d be like opening up a Ma & Pa shop next to a Walmart… with even more government regulations & restrictions. I’d recommend it for anybody interested in the subject of Beer & seeing how it gets from the brewery to your fridge.

 

Oh & we've won the past few softball games. My batting stats for the year thus far as the designated hitter & right fielder are: 2-4 with a double... and I believe eight walks now. That's an on-base percentage above 80% & I can definitely deal with that. If they don't want to pitch it to me, that's their choice. We're hitting a good stride and have one more game before the playoffs I think.

 

Sunday was mostly football & cleaning up around the apartment… but yeah, pretty fantastic weekend overall. How was yours? Please leave a comment & let me know. I’m not sure who all actually reads this stuff anymore so it’d be nice to know who’s interested in this jibber jabber. Have a great day everybody!!!