Kreed: Jenesiz

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Over the weekend, Izzy & I watched a summer blockbuster that got some scathing reviews… and that’s the fifth movie in one of the most iconic movie franchises in history, “Terminator: Genisys” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Emilia Clarke, Jason Clarke (no relation in real life… but apparently mother-son in this movie) & Jai Courtney (homeless man’s Channing Tatum). Okay, so I’m going to assume that you’re all up to date with at least the first two Terminator movies… and the whole Judgment Day in 1997… Skynet being a computer system that essentially becomes self-aware and starts eliminating humans… and there’s this whole humans vs. robots war that rages on for a generation-plus… and then Skynet builds a time machine to send a robot (Arnie) to go back to 1985 to kill the mother (E. Clarke) of the human rebellion leader (J. Clarke) and avoid this whole war thing… but then the humans find out about it, assault the facility and then the humans send back a soldier named Kyle Reese (Courtney) to protect the mother. I’m also going to kindly remind you to forget many, many other plot points from previous movies in order to push this movie’s logic forward. Trust me, it’s just easier. So in this movie, it’s essentially a reboot of the first movie with sending Kyle back in time to protect the mother Sarah Connor… but apparently this has already been done a few times so by the time he goes back to 1985 there’s a reprogrammed Arnie robot sent back to protect her… and apparently a T-1000 liquid metal version from Terminator 2 sent back… and a whole lot of other sh*t going down… hell, even the leader of the future resistance John Connor gets sent back… but as long as you don’t think about it too hard, it can make sense. Okay… here’s a quick breakdown… and I want to start off with I actually recommend checking this movie out… but I’ll be brief.

 

The Good: The action is pretty good and the visual effects are decent… there’s plenty of throwbacks (or direct ripoffs) of past movies, and the essentially frame for frame remake of the original movie’s first 15 minutes or so is particularly entertaining to me as I’ve seen that movie literally thousands of times, so that was a treat. J.K. Simmons shows up too… and that’s a treat. Aside from Jai Courtney, the acting was even pretty good… though I kept expecting Kyle Reese to be revealed to be the robot as he had reactions similar to Arnie’s character. This is an action movie… so with good action gets good reaction from me.

 

The Bad: First & foremost, the previews for this movie REALLY f**ked them over!!! First, there was the preview that showed Arnie jumping out of a helicopter to kamikaze dive bomb another helicopter to completion… or in other words, THE CLIMAX OF THE F**KING MOVIE!!! Secondly… in the other previews… sigh… I don’t even want to say it as some people might really enjoy this twist & haven’t seen the preview. If so… please move along to the next paragraph… heck, maybe to the next movie where you see an ancient Sylvester Stallone & the other Michael Jordan (with a B.) Okay… so in the other previews, including those aired during the f**king Super Bowl months earlier… they reveal that the John Connor sent back in time… is actually a robot… and sent back to kill Sarah Connor and everybody else. Now, would this had been a better movie if that MAJOR TWIST wasn’t given away months before people even saw the movie? I’d like to think so… but alas, somebody in marketing really f**ked up this movie for most moviegoers before it even came out to the public. Would it have put this movie on the money-making level of “Furious 7” or “Jurassic World”? Probably not… In fact, I’d say I’m about 90% sure it wouldn’t have made much difference.

 

Overall: Unfortunately I think people were kinda f**ked out of the Terminator franchise a while back… but I still think that this movie was not nearly as bad as everybody made it out to be. You’ll probably find that most of the people talking sh*t on it… actually haven’t even seen it. They heard it was bad from the critics and/or other people who hadn’t seen it. This is one of those movies that scores like 22% on Rotten Tomatoes with the critics… but around 60% with people that watched the movie. Not great… not horrible… just kind of in the middle. However, I’m a fan of the series… so I enjoyed it… except Jai Courtney… and with him & the recent announcement that “Suicide Squad” is going to be PG-13 I’m looking less & less forward to it… but you know I’m still going to check it out.

  

Now for a special treat!!! Monday night, Izzy & I were invited to a special preview screening of another long-awaited (by some?) continuation of an iconic movie franchise… the Rocky Balboa franchise… and this movie is called “CREED” starring Michael B. Jordan and Sylvester Stallone… and this movie was NOT written and/or directed by Stallone… but rather by Ryan Coogler who did “Fruitvale Station” last year and was even on hand to introduce the movie at the theatre. Now… again, I’m going to basically assume that you’ve seen the other SIX Rocky movies as well… and really knowing anything past halfway through Rocky IV is really just going to be little snippets & one-off jokes in this movie… but I’m going to assume that you know all about the story of Rocky Balboa… who was a semipro boxer in 1976 who through a fluke incident involving a training injury, got the once in a lifetime to chance to square off against the reigning heavyweight champion Apollo Creed… and he trains hard with a former boxer named Mick and spoiler alert… goes the distance with the champ. That movie won Academy Awards… and then there was the sequel rematch with Apollo (Rocky II)… and then in the 3^rd installment, Rocky’s trainer Mick (Burgess Meredith) dies during a match with a younger, hungrier opponent named Clubber Lang (Mr. T, and there’s an entire post about his character from years ago)… and now-retired Apollo Creed steps in as his trainer to help him win & regain his eye of the tiger. Then in the 4^th installment, Creed comes out of retirement to fight a new Russian champion named Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) but is killed in the ring after Rocky doesn’t throw in the towel (by Apollo’s request but drama…) and then Rocky has to come out of retirement to blah blah blah… but you already know all of this… I don’t even know why I mention it.

 

Well, this movie is centered around what happened shortly before Apollo Creed’s fatal last fight. Apparently he had a son… with a woman who was not his wife (Phylicia Rashad). Well, this encounter gave birth to a young man named Adonis Johnson (Michael B. Jordan) who bounces around group homes after his mother’s death… but then is adopted by Apollo Creed’s wife Marianne when he’s about ten & rowdy… but then raised in the lap of luxury. Fast forward a few years… Adonis is boxing in Tijuana. WHY? Because he has the itch… he’s a fighter… and he doesn’t have a constructive way of utilizing that itch apparently. Well, this leads to drama with his mom who obviously doesn’t want him to fight… especially after he quit his newly promoted job at a financial firm (WHAT???) to essentially leave the mansion he was raised in… and go to Philadelphia to train to be a boxer. Why Philadelphia? Why not? Anyway, all these poor decisions aside, Adonis runs into (stalks) the former champion Rocky Balboa (Stallone) and through hard work & guilt convinces Rocky to help train him… throw in a love story with a neighbor girl (Tessa Thompson) and the story basically writes itself from there. Now, my telling of the story is pretty basic & sarcastic… but you get all of this from the trailer… and it’s the story of a man who has a lot of rage and needs a place to direct it… and it just so happens to tie into the Rocky cinematic universe. That being said…

 

I REALLY liked this movie! If you enjoy boxing movies (probably have to do a Movie List for these soon) then you’re probably going to also REALLY like and/or LOVE this movie. The story is basic… but the acting is pretty fantastic, the cinematography is beautiful, and there are these continuous shot fighting scenes that are some of the greatest that you will ever see. Seriously, there’s one in particular that’s a two-round prize fight… that’s a continuous shot… with dialogue and all the action of a boxing match to make it feel like you’re the referee standing in the ring with them & eavesdropping in the corners. It’s very impressive. Though there are some sapping subplots… they’re not done in the usual sappy way. There’s drama… that some might say is completely unnecessary… but you’ll say that about life as well. Life is drama some of the time… but it pushes the plot forward and has some meaning to it… so yeah, go check this movie out. Also… write this down…

 

Michael B. Jordan… is going to be the next Will Smith. He’ll basically be offered ever major role for a young African-American actor and they’ll be his to turn away. He’s got the skills, he’s got the charisma, soon he’ll have the paparazzi all over his ass… but he’ll also have the big paychecks. I know that his star has slipped a bit with the forced entry in superhero films that was “Fantastic 4” (don’t want to judge too harsh since I haven’t seen it yet but seriously, nobody asked for this movie, right?) but overall… I think he’s going to be huge. I was right about Megan Fox (to a point) and I’ve learned as a young child… to never doubt somebody named Michael Jordan.

 

So is this going to be the start of a new Rocky/Creed Trilogy? Well… I’ve had some thoughts about sequel of course… so here are some of my ideas for further movies in the Balboa Cinematic Universe… and I’m gonna warn you, some small spoiler alerts from the first Creed:

 

Creed vs. Lang – In this first Creed sequel, Adonis is moving up the ranks… and the champion that he faced in the first movie to the final bell (“Pretty” Ricky Conlan) is currently serving time for a weapons charge (seriously, it’s in the movie) and they have a series of fights to determine who will take over the championship belt during his sentence. I’m guessing probably a Final Four scenario involving the newcomer who pushed Conlan to the limit, Adonis… some iron-fisted Ukrainian stereotype (NOT Drago, this is lightweight) that he has to go against in the first match… and then he moves on to the winner of Token Black vs. Gunner Lang, one of the many out-of-wedlock children out of Detroit from mysteriously reclusive former champion Clubber Lang (Rocky III) and of course… Gunner is a sh*t talkin’ mastermind of the boxing game… I’m thinking somebody like Brandon Jackson or O’Shea Jackson if they bulked up… or Chadwick Boseman if he wanted to break out of being typecast as legendary sports/music figures in the mid-20^th century and wants to be the 2^nd coming of Mr. T. Anyway, we skip ahead to him KILLING (or crippling) challenger Token Black in the first match… and then it’s leading up to the showdown between Creed & Lang… and Gunner talks about how he’s going to kill him in the ring, take his woman & eat his child as the promotional press conference… wiping the seed of Creed from off the face of the Earth. Yup… Iron Mike ain’t got sh*t on Gunner Lang.

 

Oh yeah, for personal drama, he finds rich life comfortable now that he’s getting endorsement money ON TOP OF ALREADY BEING RICH FROM APOLLO’S CAREER so he gets a little soft… his girlfriend (not wife) is preggers with a child… Rocky is not doing well at all after the chemo, but he’s still around… until he passes on while training for the big match… but not before giving a few big speeches about family, fire in your belly, tiger’s blood in your veins & their eyes in your ocular sockets, all that stuff… and then the Final Match… well, I don’t want to spoil it…

 

Creed vs. Creed – So after Lang cripples Adonis in the final match, punches his woman in the stomach forcing a miscarriage & then bedding her like nobody’s business… No seriously, that’s what happens in my movie! Gunner Lang goes on to have a wonderful boxing career unlike his father and the title Creed vs. Creed is symbolic of Adonis’ long journey back to eating solid foods, communicating with apparatus and perhaps walking again. This is Oscar winning sh*t right here! What? Do you want him to win the final match against Lang, is the undisputed lightweight champion of the world, but then there’s YET ANOTHER BASTARD CREED CHILD who is only a few months older than Adonis… but raised in England (played by David Oyelowo BTW), is good friends with the still-incarcerated Ricky Conlan, but also has his promoter from the first movie… and his trainer is none other than the legendary Luther Mandela (played by Idris Elba). Essentially it’s what everybody really wants in a boxing match… Klitschko vs. Klitschko… except they’re both in their prime… and they’re actually very similar genetically… though one “started from the bottom now we here!” while the other… no, they’re both going to have the EXACT SAME backstory. Yeah, Apollo knocked up a woman in Liverpool or some sketchy off-shoot of London’s underground… he was raised in the system but was educated in school, eventually becoming a Rhodes Scholar AND athlete… but there was always this itch that only bashing a man’s skull could scratch… and so he started boxing… and then when Adonis made it big, he started looking into his own lineage… pictures of Apollo & his mama at Studio 54 or the English equivalent… boom, we have essentially the same vs. same… except Samson Creed (did I mention that’s his name & he was going to have dreadlocks a la Lennox Lewis? Cuz he is & that was pretty f**king important!) is actually taller, stronger & more adept to the sweet science… apparently his mom was an athlete too… and hell, they can’t say something like “My mama wouldn’t allow us to fight” like the Klitschkos because… for one, different mamas… for two…

 

Personal drama this movie – Marianne Creed passes away… Rocky Balboa passes away… Adonis’ dog Mercury passes away… his now wife is still around, but she makes a lot of trips out to Detroit on business in an effort to resurrect Motown Records and punctuate her sagging music career… leaving Adonis to train without Rocky’s direct influence… but then there’s a new trainer / promoter to help him out, Nick Naylor (Aaron Eckhart) who’s the champion’s mouthpiece and can inspire whales to walk on land… but does he have a hidden agenda? Can Adonis regain the family that he’s lost? Why is he promoting cigarettes & Colt 45 now? How did Nick Naylor convince him to do it? All this will be revealed and more… and then… the final fight… which leads to…

 

Cult of Clubber – This is the harrowing tale of a fallen boxing superstar Gunner Lang returning to the backwoods of Michigan to join his reclusive father Clubber Lang, who for the past 30+ years left his champion boxing career to start a fundamentalist cult of people who believe that only the strongest humans will survive the End of Days or any scientific apocalypse scenario… so they’ve been breeding generations of Langs with VERY few men and gaggles of women. Gunner tried to leave this life behind for fear that his father would betray him… but in his advanced age, Clubber is realizing that his baby batter isn’t as potent as it used to be… and he must help to teach his son Gunner to take over the group and lead his family into the dark days. This movie looks into religious/cultural beliefs and norms vs. natural selection… and could potentially finally give Mr. T the Academy Award that he so desperately deserves from his long underappreciate career as a thespian… you know what? I’m totally in love with the idea of this movie. I’m starting the script TONIGHT!!! Spoiler alert: Adonis’ wife is part of the Cult of Clubber, that’s why she’s going to Detroit “on business”.

 

Creed vs. Drago – Back on the Adonis Creed tangent… I’m not even going to tell you how Creed vs. Creed ends… but I think this one writes itself… he has to bulk up to go Super Middleweight or something since anything coming out of Ivan Drago’s sack is going to be half bull anyway… and after the dwindling box office return of “Cult of Clubber” and its ultra-controversial material, I think this one is going straight to DVD like “Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift” only to be resurrected by…

 

Creed vs. Predator – Need I say more? Intergalactic boxing… in an environment similar to the Thunderdome! Two being enter, at most one being leaves.

 

Anyway, that’s my thrilling reviews of some major blockbusters that came out six months ago or will be coming out in a week or so… and some great ideas for future movies, Hollywood! You’re welcome! More fun stuff on the way! Have a great day everybody!

The Rockford Files: Love 'Merican Style

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

If you’ve read my blog for a few years now… you know that Hollywood needs me. Everything is a reboot of a reboot of a prequel of a sequel… and dare I say that more than half of it just isn’t that good without a few beers in your system. All the while… some great source material is out there that… for whatever reason, Hollywood just won’t jump on to tackle the real issues facing our society… like the Judicial System, Corruption, the role of the Police in Society, Gun Control Laws, and of course Concussion Awareness. It is for that reason, I figured that I would save casting directors in Hollywood some time in bringing forth a story that should… nay, MUST be told… I’m of course referring to…

 

The Rockford Files - Coming 2016

(queue 2^nd season’s funky version of the intro music)

 

Basic plot outline: Jim Rockford is a former felon turned private investigator who lives in a trailer on a beach in Malibu… and it seems about every week he ends up finding a dead body, getting a concussion & then having to solve some sort of crime to avoid staying out of jail for the rest of his life. Helping him along the way are his dad “Rocky”, his best friend/police contact Dennis, apparently the world’s greatest lawyer Beth Davenport… and then there’s his “friend” Angel who 90% of the time seems to be actively trying to put Jim away in jail or get him killed… yet he’s still around because… you know, plot convenience. Anyway, the show was amazing by 70’s & early 80’s standards… won a bunch of Emmys… and the overall feel while being obviously an action series, was also just dripping with humor… and occasionally a few “very special” episodes that spoke out about problems in society. Now, Izzy & I have spent the past few months watching all six seasons of the show on Netflix (and yes, even four of the TV movies that popped up in the early 90’s) so we’re essentially experts in the world of all things Rockford. So with that in mind, here are my thoughts for who should play the key roles in a modern retelling… and of course Izzy helped immensely… so anything that you don’t agree with the choices, blame her…

  

 

Main Characters

 

Jim Rockford – Vince Vaughn – This one is pretty easy… and apparently he’s been part of a project to make a “Rockford Files” movie for some years now… just nobody seems to really care about it except a small group of badasses. Jim is cool as the other side of the pillow… incredibly witty… has apparently f**ked just about every woman he’s ever met… a Vietnam vet (maybe Gulf War in this retelling) whose somewhat physically imposing… but knows when he’s outmatched physically (or they have guns) & then resorts to fast talking, distractions and often horrible fighting… or just making a dash for his golden Pontiac Firebird, pulling a “Rockford” (reverse 180) and getting the f**k outta there. Brilliant, resourceful, but ultimately realistic. I can totally see Vince rocking this role.

 

Joseph “Rocky” Rockford – Tommy Lee Jones - Rocky is a retired truck driver who checks in with his son just about every day to go fishing or do some maintenance to either home. He’s the ultimate old school father who works with his hands, loves his son with all of his heart & questions every decision that his son makes… especially on his seemingly permanent bachelorhood. He also has to conceivably play the father of Vince Vaughn… and have some dry comedic chops. Jones fits the bill pretty nicely. There are plenty of other actors that I would really like for this role ranging from my doppleganger Dennis Quaid (tall, maybe too young & good-looking?) to former truck-driver actor Kurt Russell to somebody like Jeff Bridges… or I really like the idea of Michael Keaton or Steve Martin in a role that doesn’t usually take center stage in the story, but is there for a bit of comedic voice of reason.

 

Sgt. Dennis Becker – Joe Pantoliano - Becker is Jim’s best friend and key contact within the police department to help him out with privileged information, whether information on a case, legality of certain issues, or information like license plates & criminal backgrounds. When they’re not working, they’re usually barbecuing or fishing. He’s funny in a sarcastic sense usually… but his Italian-American mannerisms come out as he’s definitely a force to be reckoned with. He is a good cop after all. In the series, Becker was played by legendary cop actor Joe Santos (“Last Boy Scout” among others) and it’s really one of the highlights of the show. Also, obviously Jon Favreau was considered playing the role being a Vince Vaughn led movie and all… but Becker isn’t there just to be funny… and I don’t want the audience waiting for Jim to say “You’re so money” or something like that. Who else do I like? John Cusack & Steve Buscemi don’t seem like they could be cops… but I like their work. Gary Oldman isn’t funny usually. Mark Ruffalo might work. Josh Duhamel is too distractingly similar to Vince I think… and I basically had to talk myself out of casting Nicolas Cage just because of the mix of the receding hairline & you literally have no idea what could come out of his mouth at any given time.  

 

Beth Davenport – Charlize Theron/Diane Lane – Beth is apparently the GREATEST LAWYER IN THE HISTORY OF LAW!!! Nearly every week, her client / occasional boy toy Jim stumbles upon a dead body or two… unwittingly gets involved in somebody else’s con (“ANGEL!!!”) or involved in some sort of assault… and will barely spend a night in jail while waiting for paperwork to be filed… because Beth is to the rescue… and unlike most lawyers, apparently she accepts payments in sweet lovin’ as opposed to wire transfers. She’s tough. She’s brilliant. She’s gorgeous. She’s a career woman… but she has a soft spot for Jim’s charms… but also, Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn… especially a woman who plays the Law like a f**king violin. Charlize is in high demand since she starred in “Mad Max” and other great flick… so that’s why I have Diane Lane as my 2^nd choice there. Both have that aura of a beautiful, strong, independent, yet vulnerable female. If both are busy… then I’m down with bringing back Ashley Judd or Neve Campbell… but absolutely not Jennifer Aniston… who again I’m sure is who the studio would pick. Nothing really against her… it’s just that I don’t everybody thinking that this is a sequel to “The Break Up” or anything.

 

Evelyn “Angel” Martin – Mel Gibson – Okay, here me out! First off, Angel is probably my least favorite part of the show. If I had a friend like Angel… I would be mourning my friend Angel. Jim met the lifelong confidence man & hustler named Angel during his time in jail and apparently there’s a lot of brotherly comradery based on events that took place in prison. Maybe Angel saved his life a few times from getting shiv’d or becoming property of the Aryan Brotherhood or something like that… I don’t know the details & it’s probably better that way… so I get the sense of loyalty that Jim feels for Angel. We all have friends like that to a certain extent. However, after the first… I’d say dozen times that he acted maliciously in an attempt to get me killed or take the rap for his wrongdoings… I’d dump his ass… or maybe turn him in to my best buddy Lgt. Becker for a decent collar. I’m just saying. Regardless, in this version, I really like the idea of Mel Gibson playing this erratic con man buddy of Jim’s as kind of a step above a cameo. He’s in a few scenes… a few laughs are involved… and he may come into play later in the movie as a kind of wild card member of the team. Is he going to come through for Jimbo? Or is he just going to leave him high & dry in his time of need, or when the going gets hot? Gibson has been on the outskirts of Hollywood for a few years now, but I also really like the idea of a megastar like Tom Hanks or Edward Norton in this smaller role… but I would assume that in a real life version of this movie, Owen Wilson gets the role to get some “Wedding Crashers” reunion going. Here, you be the judge... try to tell which is which...

 

Supporting Cast

 

Lgt. Doug Chapman – Alec Baldwin – Chapman is Becker’s boss… and they don’t like each other… mainly because Chapman knows that Becker is helping Jim to do what he sees as kind of vigilante police work… and that’s just not acceptable. Baldwin has a commanding presence… and some comedic chops & timing if needed. A close second for me in taking this small but vital (for conflict & turning the story) role… Viggo Mortensen. You want a commanding presence who can strike fear in the Hulk (Ruffalo)? Have you seen “History of Violence”? Ooh… Ed Harris would be good too… anyway, the options are there.

 

Lgt. Thomas Diehl – Adam Carolla - Although I really liked the idea of Becker being the breakout acting role for Adam Carolla, unfortunately I just don’t think it’s realistic for me to get it signed off with the studio. However, I think that I can get them to sign off on a 2-3 day shoot with the Ace Man as the stern & angry boss of Lgt. Chapman… who may not particularly care for Rockford… but is okay with him as long as the results are there. Otherwise, in the slammer for interfering with police work like anybody else… stern but fair. You know what, you can switch Carolla & Baldwin for all I care, Hollywood… Carolla as Chapman, Baldwin as Diehl… they’d both be small parts in the movie I would think anyway.

 

Officer Todd – David Duchovny – Officer Todd was the only recurring character on the show that actually dressed like a cop, in full uniform… and he would just kind of show up in the scene, hand off some paperwork to Chapman or Becker, occasionally make a wiseass remark, and then exit stage left. It made me wonder who the actor that played him in the series (Luis Delgado) knew to get that role? Is he related to a producer? Anyway, Duchovny may be a little old to just be a standard officer rank… but then again, maybe he has a history that has restricted him to what amounts to full-garb secretary status. Did he used to date Chapman’s sister? Who knows? Maybe keep it for the sequel…

 

John “Coop” Cooper – Kevin Bacon – Around Season 5 of the show, Jim meets this disbarred Southern lawyer… and he helps him out (while Beth Davenport is off opening her own firm somewhere else?) with both legal advice AND the occasional grunt work. This may be more of a character for the sequel after my movie pulls in $500 million worldwide on a modest budget (mostly stunt cars & retro digs) and then you could pull in a bigger name like Matthew McConaughey in a small role (2-3 days of shooting) or maybe even Woody Harrelson for a larger role… but I’m going with Bacon.

 

Gandolph Fitch – Wesley Snipes – One of the great names in fictional history, Gandy is… a “friend” of Jim’s from the joint. That right there should kinda tell you why I picked Snipes for this role… but he was originally portrayed by the late great Isaac Hayes in the original series. Additionally, they don’t really go into depth about their relationship other than Gandy was a bit of an enforcer while on the streets& even in the joint… and would absolutely destroy people in prison who crossed him… and Rockford was a “friend” of his who felt that he owed him. Do you see what I’m getting at here? I kinda think that Jim Rockford was Gandy Fitch’s bitch in the joint. Think about it… that’s why he constantly refers to him as “Rockfish” too. It gets even more twisted when you realize that Jim ends up proving that Gandy went to jail for a crime that he didn’t commit. What does that mean? The justice system once again f**ked Jim Rockford. Literally. Anyway… I think Snipes would be great for the part even though he’s not a towering figure (especially 5’10” compared to 6’5” Vaughn) but I think it could still work… and since the death of Michael Clark Duncan, the other well-known actors are either Will Smith, too small (Terrence Howard, Blair Underwood, Denzel Washington, etc) but you could also put an mid-40s athlete in there… like Shaq (shudder) or maybe more appropriately somebody like LeBron James (between his other movies) or a towering out of work football player… ah hem… Lawrence Taylor is still around, right? Nah, let’s go with Blade! Passenger 57 in the house! NINO BROWN!!!

Lance White – Matt Damon – Tom Selleck played this role in a few episodes of the original series… and that was the inspiration for Magnum P.I. Fun fact: The Rockford Files basically ended on a high note because James Garner was getting too old to do his own stunts… and nobody else is James Garner… and at the same time, Hawaii Five-O was wrapping up… so the producers basically decided to combine the two to make the 80’s magnificence that is Magnum P.I. Anyway, in the Rockford series, Lance White is… basically the perfect private investigator. He’s tall, good-looking, intelligent, suave, successful, award-winning in fact, a fighter, a lover, a true gentleman in every sense… he even marries a f**king heiress… and he’s so perfect that you can’t even f**king stand him. There are plenty of alternative actors in their late 30’s/early 40’s like Leonardo DiCaprio, Jude Law, Hugh Jackman, Patrick Dempsey, Orlando Bloom, hell… maybe Justin Timberlake or Tom Brady that could come in as the super successful version of Vince Vaughn to irk him while helping him out… but I think Matt would do it with a moustache a la Selleck… and that’s really the selling factor for me.

 

The Movie Plot - Now, I don’t really have the story for the first movie exactly plotted out just yet… but let’s be real, this initial movie will be the starting point for a series on the Fast & Furious level. Typically the episodes / TV movies go one of a few ways. Sometimes there’s a damsel in distress who looks up a private eye in the phone book & sees Jim’s picture so they call him first and they end up crying in his trailer. Honestly, there’s a LOT of episodes that start with “I saw your picture in the phone book” as he was picked at random for some twisted deed. It’s kind of hilarious. Other times Angel will somehow get Jim involved in some kind of con and lets him take the fall… those sometimes involve the Mafia too… the Italian one, not the Gay Mafia. Other times there’s a big evil business man doing big evil stuff (again usually involving the Mafia) or some kind of real estate scam where dead bodies end up. Other times it’s usually a family member of somebody’s suspicious murder where an inheritance is involved (doesn’t sound familiar at all). You can go a lot of different ways with it… and depending on what characters you want to work into the first movie, you can plot it out pretty easily. Maybe focus on the main characters & establishing the world of Rockford with the first… then bring in Gandy for the sequel… and then cap the original trilogy with a little help from Coop and/or Lance White involving some terrorist plot. Escalation!!! Oh wait… as long as the plot is tight & there’s some character development, you don’t need an epic “Heat” style shootout or intergalactic war involved in the movie’s finales. Huh… great box office returns AND saving on budget. That’s why you can cast stuff like…

 

The Bad Guy – TOM HANKS – YES!!! I want Thomas Jeffery Hanks to be the Bad Guy in the first movie!!! Okay, here we go, just off the top of my head… I’m thinking something along the lines of there’s a damsel (played by Elisabeth Shue) who shows up at Jim’s trailer with the story of a suspicious death of her father… Jim would love to help, but it’s an open police case… and he doesn’t do open police cases… besides, he’s got this big fishing trip up at Lake Arrowhead that he’s been planning with his dad. Damsel starts the waterworks… “well, maybe I can help you out a little bit… tell me more…” Damsel lists a few suspects, Jim offers to look into their activites & see if anything odd… “$200 per day plus expenses (adjust for inflation)” He goes to the police station to get some info on the suspects… including one well-respected businessman (Hanks) who’s even on the board that the police answers to… “Rockford, if I catch you bothering Mr. Sprockets I’ll jerk your ticket!” (or some other outdated ambiguous homoerotic threat Chapman often makes) and the story goes from there. Twists & turns, Jim gets knocked out near a corpse, spends a night in the slammer, Beth breaks him out, he gets some “word on the street” from Angel, maybe has to protect Damsel at a motel, bing bang boom, underlying plot threads are unraveled, final confrontation with bad guy… who ends up flying out of a window somehow… SPLAT! Wise ass remarks, quick resolution, drive off into the sunset with damsel in his Firebird… roll credits… top it off with a sequel beg Easter Egg. You’re welcome, America!!! Worst case, if Hanks doesn't want to be the bad guy (with a Walt Disney moustache mind you) then just insert Nicolas Cage, Christophe Waltz or Bryan Cranston... but I like the idea of Tom Hanks being the evil CEO of Bubba Gump Shrimp or something.

 

Anyway, just give me a screenwriter’s credit… More of these to come… you’ve been warned… coming soon… have a great weekend everybody!!!