Kreed: Jenesiz

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Over the weekend, Izzy & I watched a summer blockbuster that got some scathing reviews… and that’s the fifth movie in one of the most iconic movie franchises in history, “Terminator: Genisys” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Emilia Clarke, Jason Clarke (no relation in real life… but apparently mother-son in this movie) & Jai Courtney (homeless man’s Channing Tatum). Okay, so I’m going to assume that you’re all up to date with at least the first two Terminator movies… and the whole Judgment Day in 1997… Skynet being a computer system that essentially becomes self-aware and starts eliminating humans… and there’s this whole humans vs. robots war that rages on for a generation-plus… and then Skynet builds a time machine to send a robot (Arnie) to go back to 1985 to kill the mother (E. Clarke) of the human rebellion leader (J. Clarke) and avoid this whole war thing… but then the humans find out about it, assault the facility and then the humans send back a soldier named Kyle Reese (Courtney) to protect the mother. I’m also going to kindly remind you to forget many, many other plot points from previous movies in order to push this movie’s logic forward. Trust me, it’s just easier. So in this movie, it’s essentially a reboot of the first movie with sending Kyle back in time to protect the mother Sarah Connor… but apparently this has already been done a few times so by the time he goes back to 1985 there’s a reprogrammed Arnie robot sent back to protect her… and apparently a T-1000 liquid metal version from Terminator 2 sent back… and a whole lot of other sh*t going down… hell, even the leader of the future resistance John Connor gets sent back… but as long as you don’t think about it too hard, it can make sense. Okay… here’s a quick breakdown… and I want to start off with I actually recommend checking this movie out… but I’ll be brief.

 

The Good: The action is pretty good and the visual effects are decent… there’s plenty of throwbacks (or direct ripoffs) of past movies, and the essentially frame for frame remake of the original movie’s first 15 minutes or so is particularly entertaining to me as I’ve seen that movie literally thousands of times, so that was a treat. J.K. Simmons shows up too… and that’s a treat. Aside from Jai Courtney, the acting was even pretty good… though I kept expecting Kyle Reese to be revealed to be the robot as he had reactions similar to Arnie’s character. This is an action movie… so with good action gets good reaction from me.

 

The Bad: First & foremost, the previews for this movie REALLY f**ked them over!!! First, there was the preview that showed Arnie jumping out of a helicopter to kamikaze dive bomb another helicopter to completion… or in other words, THE CLIMAX OF THE F**KING MOVIE!!! Secondly… in the other previews… sigh… I don’t even want to say it as some people might really enjoy this twist & haven’t seen the preview. If so… please move along to the next paragraph… heck, maybe to the next movie where you see an ancient Sylvester Stallone & the other Michael Jordan (with a B.) Okay… so in the other previews, including those aired during the f**king Super Bowl months earlier… they reveal that the John Connor sent back in time… is actually a robot… and sent back to kill Sarah Connor and everybody else. Now, would this had been a better movie if that MAJOR TWIST wasn’t given away months before people even saw the movie? I’d like to think so… but alas, somebody in marketing really f**ked up this movie for most moviegoers before it even came out to the public. Would it have put this movie on the money-making level of “Furious 7” or “Jurassic World”? Probably not… In fact, I’d say I’m about 90% sure it wouldn’t have made much difference.

 

Overall: Unfortunately I think people were kinda f**ked out of the Terminator franchise a while back… but I still think that this movie was not nearly as bad as everybody made it out to be. You’ll probably find that most of the people talking sh*t on it… actually haven’t even seen it. They heard it was bad from the critics and/or other people who hadn’t seen it. This is one of those movies that scores like 22% on Rotten Tomatoes with the critics… but around 60% with people that watched the movie. Not great… not horrible… just kind of in the middle. However, I’m a fan of the series… so I enjoyed it… except Jai Courtney… and with him & the recent announcement that “Suicide Squad” is going to be PG-13 I’m looking less & less forward to it… but you know I’m still going to check it out.

  

Now for a special treat!!! Monday night, Izzy & I were invited to a special preview screening of another long-awaited (by some?) continuation of an iconic movie franchise… the Rocky Balboa franchise… and this movie is called “CREED” starring Michael B. Jordan and Sylvester Stallone… and this movie was NOT written and/or directed by Stallone… but rather by Ryan Coogler who did “Fruitvale Station” last year and was even on hand to introduce the movie at the theatre. Now… again, I’m going to basically assume that you’ve seen the other SIX Rocky movies as well… and really knowing anything past halfway through Rocky IV is really just going to be little snippets & one-off jokes in this movie… but I’m going to assume that you know all about the story of Rocky Balboa… who was a semipro boxer in 1976 who through a fluke incident involving a training injury, got the once in a lifetime to chance to square off against the reigning heavyweight champion Apollo Creed… and he trains hard with a former boxer named Mick and spoiler alert… goes the distance with the champ. That movie won Academy Awards… and then there was the sequel rematch with Apollo (Rocky II)… and then in the 3^rd installment, Rocky’s trainer Mick (Burgess Meredith) dies during a match with a younger, hungrier opponent named Clubber Lang (Mr. T, and there’s an entire post about his character from years ago)… and now-retired Apollo Creed steps in as his trainer to help him win & regain his eye of the tiger. Then in the 4^th installment, Creed comes out of retirement to fight a new Russian champion named Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) but is killed in the ring after Rocky doesn’t throw in the towel (by Apollo’s request but drama…) and then Rocky has to come out of retirement to blah blah blah… but you already know all of this… I don’t even know why I mention it.

 

Well, this movie is centered around what happened shortly before Apollo Creed’s fatal last fight. Apparently he had a son… with a woman who was not his wife (Phylicia Rashad). Well, this encounter gave birth to a young man named Adonis Johnson (Michael B. Jordan) who bounces around group homes after his mother’s death… but then is adopted by Apollo Creed’s wife Marianne when he’s about ten & rowdy… but then raised in the lap of luxury. Fast forward a few years… Adonis is boxing in Tijuana. WHY? Because he has the itch… he’s a fighter… and he doesn’t have a constructive way of utilizing that itch apparently. Well, this leads to drama with his mom who obviously doesn’t want him to fight… especially after he quit his newly promoted job at a financial firm (WHAT???) to essentially leave the mansion he was raised in… and go to Philadelphia to train to be a boxer. Why Philadelphia? Why not? Anyway, all these poor decisions aside, Adonis runs into (stalks) the former champion Rocky Balboa (Stallone) and through hard work & guilt convinces Rocky to help train him… throw in a love story with a neighbor girl (Tessa Thompson) and the story basically writes itself from there. Now, my telling of the story is pretty basic & sarcastic… but you get all of this from the trailer… and it’s the story of a man who has a lot of rage and needs a place to direct it… and it just so happens to tie into the Rocky cinematic universe. That being said…

 

I REALLY liked this movie! If you enjoy boxing movies (probably have to do a Movie List for these soon) then you’re probably going to also REALLY like and/or LOVE this movie. The story is basic… but the acting is pretty fantastic, the cinematography is beautiful, and there are these continuous shot fighting scenes that are some of the greatest that you will ever see. Seriously, there’s one in particular that’s a two-round prize fight… that’s a continuous shot… with dialogue and all the action of a boxing match to make it feel like you’re the referee standing in the ring with them & eavesdropping in the corners. It’s very impressive. Though there are some sapping subplots… they’re not done in the usual sappy way. There’s drama… that some might say is completely unnecessary… but you’ll say that about life as well. Life is drama some of the time… but it pushes the plot forward and has some meaning to it… so yeah, go check this movie out. Also… write this down…

 

Michael B. Jordan… is going to be the next Will Smith. He’ll basically be offered ever major role for a young African-American actor and they’ll be his to turn away. He’s got the skills, he’s got the charisma, soon he’ll have the paparazzi all over his ass… but he’ll also have the big paychecks. I know that his star has slipped a bit with the forced entry in superhero films that was “Fantastic 4” (don’t want to judge too harsh since I haven’t seen it yet but seriously, nobody asked for this movie, right?) but overall… I think he’s going to be huge. I was right about Megan Fox (to a point) and I’ve learned as a young child… to never doubt somebody named Michael Jordan.

 

So is this going to be the start of a new Rocky/Creed Trilogy? Well… I’ve had some thoughts about sequel of course… so here are some of my ideas for further movies in the Balboa Cinematic Universe… and I’m gonna warn you, some small spoiler alerts from the first Creed:

 

Creed vs. Lang – In this first Creed sequel, Adonis is moving up the ranks… and the champion that he faced in the first movie to the final bell (“Pretty” Ricky Conlan) is currently serving time for a weapons charge (seriously, it’s in the movie) and they have a series of fights to determine who will take over the championship belt during his sentence. I’m guessing probably a Final Four scenario involving the newcomer who pushed Conlan to the limit, Adonis… some iron-fisted Ukrainian stereotype (NOT Drago, this is lightweight) that he has to go against in the first match… and then he moves on to the winner of Token Black vs. Gunner Lang, one of the many out-of-wedlock children out of Detroit from mysteriously reclusive former champion Clubber Lang (Rocky III) and of course… Gunner is a sh*t talkin’ mastermind of the boxing game… I’m thinking somebody like Brandon Jackson or O’Shea Jackson if they bulked up… or Chadwick Boseman if he wanted to break out of being typecast as legendary sports/music figures in the mid-20^th century and wants to be the 2^nd coming of Mr. T. Anyway, we skip ahead to him KILLING (or crippling) challenger Token Black in the first match… and then it’s leading up to the showdown between Creed & Lang… and Gunner talks about how he’s going to kill him in the ring, take his woman & eat his child as the promotional press conference… wiping the seed of Creed from off the face of the Earth. Yup… Iron Mike ain’t got sh*t on Gunner Lang.

 

Oh yeah, for personal drama, he finds rich life comfortable now that he’s getting endorsement money ON TOP OF ALREADY BEING RICH FROM APOLLO’S CAREER so he gets a little soft… his girlfriend (not wife) is preggers with a child… Rocky is not doing well at all after the chemo, but he’s still around… until he passes on while training for the big match… but not before giving a few big speeches about family, fire in your belly, tiger’s blood in your veins & their eyes in your ocular sockets, all that stuff… and then the Final Match… well, I don’t want to spoil it…

 

Creed vs. Creed – So after Lang cripples Adonis in the final match, punches his woman in the stomach forcing a miscarriage & then bedding her like nobody’s business… No seriously, that’s what happens in my movie! Gunner Lang goes on to have a wonderful boxing career unlike his father and the title Creed vs. Creed is symbolic of Adonis’ long journey back to eating solid foods, communicating with apparatus and perhaps walking again. This is Oscar winning sh*t right here! What? Do you want him to win the final match against Lang, is the undisputed lightweight champion of the world, but then there’s YET ANOTHER BASTARD CREED CHILD who is only a few months older than Adonis… but raised in England (played by David Oyelowo BTW), is good friends with the still-incarcerated Ricky Conlan, but also has his promoter from the first movie… and his trainer is none other than the legendary Luther Mandela (played by Idris Elba). Essentially it’s what everybody really wants in a boxing match… Klitschko vs. Klitschko… except they’re both in their prime… and they’re actually very similar genetically… though one “started from the bottom now we here!” while the other… no, they’re both going to have the EXACT SAME backstory. Yeah, Apollo knocked up a woman in Liverpool or some sketchy off-shoot of London’s underground… he was raised in the system but was educated in school, eventually becoming a Rhodes Scholar AND athlete… but there was always this itch that only bashing a man’s skull could scratch… and so he started boxing… and then when Adonis made it big, he started looking into his own lineage… pictures of Apollo & his mama at Studio 54 or the English equivalent… boom, we have essentially the same vs. same… except Samson Creed (did I mention that’s his name & he was going to have dreadlocks a la Lennox Lewis? Cuz he is & that was pretty f**king important!) is actually taller, stronger & more adept to the sweet science… apparently his mom was an athlete too… and hell, they can’t say something like “My mama wouldn’t allow us to fight” like the Klitschkos because… for one, different mamas… for two…

 

Personal drama this movie – Marianne Creed passes away… Rocky Balboa passes away… Adonis’ dog Mercury passes away… his now wife is still around, but she makes a lot of trips out to Detroit on business in an effort to resurrect Motown Records and punctuate her sagging music career… leaving Adonis to train without Rocky’s direct influence… but then there’s a new trainer / promoter to help him out, Nick Naylor (Aaron Eckhart) who’s the champion’s mouthpiece and can inspire whales to walk on land… but does he have a hidden agenda? Can Adonis regain the family that he’s lost? Why is he promoting cigarettes & Colt 45 now? How did Nick Naylor convince him to do it? All this will be revealed and more… and then… the final fight… which leads to…

 

Cult of Clubber – This is the harrowing tale of a fallen boxing superstar Gunner Lang returning to the backwoods of Michigan to join his reclusive father Clubber Lang, who for the past 30+ years left his champion boxing career to start a fundamentalist cult of people who believe that only the strongest humans will survive the End of Days or any scientific apocalypse scenario… so they’ve been breeding generations of Langs with VERY few men and gaggles of women. Gunner tried to leave this life behind for fear that his father would betray him… but in his advanced age, Clubber is realizing that his baby batter isn’t as potent as it used to be… and he must help to teach his son Gunner to take over the group and lead his family into the dark days. This movie looks into religious/cultural beliefs and norms vs. natural selection… and could potentially finally give Mr. T the Academy Award that he so desperately deserves from his long underappreciate career as a thespian… you know what? I’m totally in love with the idea of this movie. I’m starting the script TONIGHT!!! Spoiler alert: Adonis’ wife is part of the Cult of Clubber, that’s why she’s going to Detroit “on business”.

 

Creed vs. Drago – Back on the Adonis Creed tangent… I’m not even going to tell you how Creed vs. Creed ends… but I think this one writes itself… he has to bulk up to go Super Middleweight or something since anything coming out of Ivan Drago’s sack is going to be half bull anyway… and after the dwindling box office return of “Cult of Clubber” and its ultra-controversial material, I think this one is going straight to DVD like “Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift” only to be resurrected by…

 

Creed vs. Predator – Need I say more? Intergalactic boxing… in an environment similar to the Thunderdome! Two being enter, at most one being leaves.

 

Anyway, that’s my thrilling reviews of some major blockbusters that came out six months ago or will be coming out in a week or so… and some great ideas for future movies, Hollywood! You’re welcome! More fun stuff on the way! Have a great day everybody!

Hercules: The Legendary Barrels

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Saturday morning after some running around, Izzy & I transferred our Scotch Ale & Cider to the barrels (since it got rescheduled from Friday night due to coworkers’ going away party)… so here are those pictures that I promised you last time… but this time, for real…

 

Saturday night, Izzy & I went to her former coworkers’ annual Halloween party and as usual it was EPIC… here are a few pictures… and even a special one of us in our outfits… Ash & Umbreon from Pokemon…

 

 

 

This past weekend, we watched “Age of the Dinosaurs” which was a 2013 TV movie starring Treat Williams & Ronny Cox… but it was on Netflix and has “Dinosaurs” in the title… so you know that I’m down. The story is about a company who has devised some amazing flesh-regeneration technology… so now they can create dinosaurs. That’s all that you need to know. Well, they have a presentation showing off their new creatures (Ceratosaurus, Carnotaurus & Pteradons) and… spoiler alert… they get out of their cages and start running amok through Los Angeles. So… the CGI actually wasn’t that bad. I mean… considering that it’s a horrible Syfy Channel movie… the designs of the dinosaurs were pretty good, though the movements could’ve used some tweaking. The acting was… well, the script was just bad. It’s hard to go from there. Apparently dinosaurs are impervious to bullets and/or rocket launchers… but hey, I’m even willing to let to go towards an explanation like “maybe the flesh-regeneration is just super fast so they recover instantly like Wolverine” instead of “they just couldn’t afford to sway from the original design in any way because we blew our budget” or something like that. Anyway, I wouldn’t recommend it… but it’s pretty good for Syfy.

 

We followed it up with a Halloween movie that was recommended via the internet called “Stake Land” starring Nick Damici (“Late Phases”) and Kelly McGinnis (“Top Gun”). It’s the story of a post-apocalyptic world where these zombie-vampire hybrids have taken over… and human are struggling to get by. A teenager’s family is killed right in front of him… but he’s saved by a mysterious man called Mister (Damici) who then takes the boy under his wing & teaches him to survive in this wasteland full of these zompires, cannibals, militaristic religious zealots, militaristic military outfits, and so on. Basically it's like "Zombieland" but with absolutely no humor whatsoever... which was kind of the best part. Overall though, the movie is really good & gritty (though the narration gets annoying at times) and the action scenes are actually pretty damn good. I'd highly recommend checking it out. Just don't expect it to be funny... it's more of a think piece about what things might be like if the world were overran with zombie-vampires who are impervious to many things...

 

Sunday we watched football… and ate Halloween candy… and then eventually we started watching bad movies like BOTH 1983’s “Hercules” & 1985’s “The Adventures of Hercules” starring Lou Ferrigno and from Cannon Pictures who I mentioned last entry in that documentary. So… we all know the story of Hercules, right? King of the Greek gods Zeus bangs a mortal woman named Alcmene and they have a demigod baby… he grows up to be super strong, Hera (wifey of Zeus) is angered with this bastard child, 12 labours or tasks that he must complete to form Voltron… or something like that… lots of side adventures… basically super tough Greek dude who wears furs & beats down foo’s. Well… in this interpretation of the Hercules mythology… it’s… a little different. This starts out more like Moses in the Bible, where he’s the child of Zeus & a queen… but then there’s a coup and the royal family is slain… except the nanny floats Hercules down the river… and then he’s raised by a regular family (so opposite of Moses?) and then… he just kinda grows up to be a badass… and there’s an evil King Minos who is all about SCIENCE!!! Then there are some chicks in robes… and robot dragons with laser beams… and Hercules can grow big enough to separate Europe & Africa which apparently is one of his labours? And there’s a lot of dubbing… or is there? Yeah, it’s definitely dubbing but nobody gets credit… and then there’s a sequel that we had to watch too… but yeah, if you’re looking for another odd interpretation of the Hercules legend… then definitely check out these movies. They’re not good… but definitely interesting. Made in Italy!!!

 

There have been MANY Hercules movies made over the past… let’s just say 50 years. So how does this one fare? Well…

 

Ultimate Ranking of Hercules Movies:

 

1.       Kevin Sorbo in “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys” (1995-99) – I’m sure that it’s a lot easier to tell the epic tales of this legend when you have six seasons of television to do so (and guest spots with the likes of Bruce Campbell & Lucy Lawless spin-offs) but yeah, easily the best representation thus far… and you’ll see why with the rest of this list. He’s got the Fabio look… pretty well built… the charisma… yeah, he was the 90’s

 

2.       Dwayne Johnson in “Hercules” (2014) – I reviewed this movie a few months ago… and yeah, he’s amazingly well built… he’s got the charisma… yeah, he’s the new millennium.

 

3.       Arnold Strong in “Hercules in New York” (1969) – Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first movie… and it’s horrible… absolutely horrible… but he’s Hercules… and he has no problem with reminding you something like 78 times during the course of the movie. Let’s be honest though… he’s in the Guinness Book for World Records for having the best body ever. That’s something to take into account… and this was the movie that started the American Dream that is Arnie.

 

4.       Lou Ferrigno in 80’s movies – Look, it may not be his voice… but his mannerisms and stuff aren’t bad in this movie… and the youngest Mr. Olympia ever didn’t do half bad… it was the script that was pretty bad. SCIENCE!!!

 

5.       Tate Donovan in Disney’s “Hercules” & TV series (1997) – Look, Disney makes cutesy stuff… and James Woods was Hades… that’s about all I remember from this movie. Had you asked me who did the voice of Hercules, I probably wouldn’t have responded that guy from “Love Potion #9”

 

6.       Ryan Gosling in “Young Hercules” (1998-1999) – Didn’t even know this existed… so it must not have been good, right? You’re welcome for bringing it to your attention, ladies. Enjoy.

 

7.       That Big Dog in “The Sandlot” (1993) – This version of Hercules was just completely ridiculous. He didn’t seem like a mighty warrior at all… more like a slobbering beast. Absolutely deplorable.

 

8.       Kellen Lutz in “Legend of Hercules” (2014) – Well… but still not the worst. This movie was horrible. I feel like this movie was in the spirit of “Oh sh*t, did you hear they’re making a Hercules movie with the Rock?” “Oh man, we should do one first! Who’s available? I’ll work on the script while you find the actor & we’ll start shooting on Monday…” “Ooooh… we got one of the guys from the Twilight movies!” “Which one? You know what… doesn’t even matter… they’re all horrible. Sign him on the cheap & send him a trainer. He’s got four days to get ready!”

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for this past weekend. More fun stuff coming up this week… including new brews… and the California State Homebrewing Competition!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Listen All Y'all, It's ______

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Over the last few days, I’ve been going over some different options for utilizing kegs & bringing them into our homebrewing system. Bottles are cool & all… but they’re fairly bulky… bottle conditioning takes about two weeks… and for parties & gatherings, it’s just pretty cool to come walking in with a big keg of homebrew, set up the tap & let everybody try it at their leisure… and you don’t have to chase down bottles… or explain to them every time what they’re drinking. “This isn’t Bud Light?” You’re welcome. We’re in no rush obviously… but in about five months, we are planning on going to my mom’s big family reunion & we figure that’d be a great place to really let a bunch of avid beer enthusiasts try out some of our brews… and a keg may just be easier for transportation & just the driving around with a bunch of empty bottles on the way back. Some of the options are:

 

·     Keg with a tap – Simple enough, you have a keg or two filled with good stuff, a “cobra” faucet, tap it, CO2 tank hooked up pushes out the liquid gold

·     Picnic Cooler Kegerator – Essentially same setup but you run the liquid gold through a modified picnic cooler with coiled stainless steel tubing under ice to cool it down before drinking. Not a huge fan of this method as I’d just keep the keg in the cooler or something but… it’s an option.

·     True Kegerator – Basically you modify a fridge (or cooler that I’m trying to figure out) that will store the keg in inside, keep it cool, and then you have a tap hooked up on the door or top of the unit to easily dispense your chilled beverage of choice.

 

There are obviously pros & cons with each device ranging from cost of the setup… to whether you need to constantly ice or plug into an outlet to keep it cool… to ease of transportation… to overall esthetic… but like I said, we’re not in a major rush so we may just start with the kegs & a “cobra” faucet for now… and then advance our setup down the road… but yeah, if you have any suggestions, I’m all ears & quite adventurous with building my own units. I’ve looked at a bunch of websites & forums and have some ideas… but also have three roommates and a Jeep, not my own place with a Ford 350 out front to move it around. We’ll definitely keep you posted though.

 

Tuesday night, we took in a screening of “Sabotage” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sam Worthington, Terrence Howard, Olivia Williams & a great ensemble cast really. It’s from director David Ayer (“End of Watch”, “Street Kings” and writer on a bunch of great flicks like “Training Day”). An elite DEA task force led by John ‘Breacher’ Wharton (Schwarzenegger) takes down a Mexican drug cartel stronghold… and secretly stashes away $10 million for their services… but when they go to grab the money, it’s gone… and the rest of the DEA wants answers with them as the prime suspects. After six months, the investigation is called off & the team is reunited to get back to work… but now they’re being killed one-by-one. At first, they suspect it’s retaliation from the cartel… but they soon find out that it very well may be one of them looking to settle a score… or tie up some loose ends. The movie was actually VERY well done. Like most of the movies from David Ayer, it’s very gritty, pretty true to life (okay, about ¾ really good & ¼ Hollywood fluffery) but it’s definitely R-rated for language and extreme gore & intensity. I thoroughly enjoyed it & would recommend it anybody looking for a good, solid guy movie. There’s occasional nudity, adult humor & situations, big guns, plenty of gun butter, even some chicks kicking ass too. Go check it out… but yeah, it’s not your usual fluffy Schwarzenegger popcorn flick… he’s actually acting in this one. You’ve been warned.

 

Sidebar on Schwarzenegger: Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Arnold. You all know this. He IS the American dream. Came to the U.S. of A. in the 70’s with a $20 bill in his pocket, just worked hard, kept himself fairly clean, and he’s gone from Mr. Olympia… to the biggest movie star in the world & cultural icon… to Guinness of World Records for “Most Perfect Body”… to marrying a Kennedy… to starting a chain of restaurants… to Governor of Cali-for-ni-a… to the failed business that was the chain of restaurants… to scandal when he knocked up his cleaning lady… and now back as STILL one of the biggest action stars in the world, even though he’s technically a senior citizen… all the while, he really hasn’t lost that famous accent. Why? Why the hell should he? I predicted a while back that Arnold would be President by 2016 (back before he decided to act again where his every indiscretion isn’t put under a microscope) but there’s really still time… and frankly, taking a look around… he might have a good shot. Regardless, I’m in constant awe of this guy… and I wish him the best of luck with whatever he does, whether more action movies, directing, politicks, brewing, fashion design, computer studies, whatever. I hope to be HALF the man that he is when I’m twice the age that I am now. Kudos sir!

 

Thursday night, I met up with Jackie D to get some drinks at Cellarmaker Brewing and try out their unique selections. They have a lot of the great west coast staples like various IPAs, session pale ales, etc… but one of their more unique offerings was their Coffee & Cigarettes Porter which… well, is exactly what it sounds like. Thanks to the combination of various roasted malts & brewing methods… it basically tastes like you spilled your cold coffee into an ashtray & then drank it. Now, it’s not quite as harsh & disagreeable as that would sound… like, there’s no filters stuck in your teeth or anything… but yeah, taste achieved. They had other porters to try as well that I preferred& frankly the even C&C wasn’t that bad, just not my particular taste when it comes to beer. I’d recommend their IPA & their regular porter. Great atmosphere, we watched a little basketball (Stanford lost) & then we headed over to Extreme Pizza to complete our “beer sandwich” in our stomachs of a good solid beer base, pizza & then beer on top (pitcher of Fat Tire).

 

Also, our hop rhizomes came in the mail...

So we're going to start growing some hops...

but it takes a few years... coming soon...

Well, Jackie D is officially here as a San Francisco resident… and my family is coming to visit on Friday for the weekend, so it’ll be a bundle of fun. We have plans to check out the Zoo & the Exploratorium… but you never know how things will turn out with weather, kids being kids & just deciding to do something else on a whim. We tend to do that from time to time too… but I’ll certainly keep you posted. Until then, have a great weekend everybody!!!

Mysteries of the Mind

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well, today is just going to be a kind of hodge-podge of random things from the past week that I wanted to share but didn’t really fit right in the Oregon posts. There will be dreams… which have become a rarity on this blog of late… but mostly for a few reasons such as:

 

A)      They are unmemorable

B)      I don’t think you’d care in the least

C)      Dizzy can tell you, if it’s just a bunch of random images that I remember… then it’s probably not worth mentioning

D)     A wise man once said that “other people’s dreams are like photographs… if you’re not in them & nobody’s f**king, then who cares?”

 

So on that note… the mind is a funny thing as I’m sure you know. As I get older, I like to think that my mind is still pretty quick & I do certain exercises to keep it limber because… the last thing that I want to be at the age of 32 is a forgetful old man. I have no childhood drama to repress & I played basketball so only a few concussions from church leagues… but nothing like playing football or boxing or something. Sigh… yes, mild dementia, paranoia, delusion & stuff like that is pretty prevalent in my family tree… but again, doing what I can to prevent that. I do pretty good… and I keep notes, etc handy because I know where my short term memory is pretty weak (I blame my job) but there’s only so much you can do to avoid basically turning into Sammy Jankis (“Memento” reference). On that note, I share this story before my dreams…

 

So about a month ago, I was thinking about horrible movies… and how a while back I said that I wanted to watch a bunch of the alleged “WORST MOVIES EVER MADE” to see if they really were that bad. Among the list was “The Room” which has been referred to as “The Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” and was written, directed, produced, starring, catered and just about everything else… by Tommy Wiseau. I mentioned to Dizzy that I wanted to watch it & she said “We already did.” What? “Yeah, back when we were first dating you said you wanted to watch this horrible movie called the Room & we did… and it was stupid & nothing happened… and I think you fell asleep… and there may have been drinking involved… but yeah, we watched it.” Really? I know we’ve seen a number of sh*tty movies but… I’ve at least had images stay with me… and basically she could describe no scenes where it was even like, “Oh yeah… I vaguely remem…” NOTHING! So I was skeptical… and thought “I would’ve blogged about it, right?” I’ll search Tommy Wiseau or #worstmovies or whatever and see a review of how horrible it is. Well, I searched… and the only thing that I could find was that I had mentioned wanting to see it. So did we watch it & I had completely forgotten to even mention it? Was it really so boring that I couldn’t recall one fact about it? Had I deprived my loyal readers a review of this monstrosity due to thirst for life & libation? Was I becoming… Mortal? NO!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! PREPOSTEROUS!!! HOW DARE YOU??? There was only one way to settle this… and that was to watch the movie AGAIN!!! See if it would jog my memory & then I could confirm or deny having seen it before.

 

Well, I watched "The Room" Tuesday night and… Not one scene seemed familiar. Frankly, I don’t see how I could’ve possibly fallen asleep watching this train wreck. So… the story is about this banker named Johnny (Wiseau) who is the “future husband” of Lisa. Apparently Lisa gets bored… so then she seduces his best friend Mark (FYI it’s repeated that he is Johnny’s best friend about a dozen times throughout the movie in case you forget). There’s also a young orphan boy Denny who shows up ALL the time… but Johnny is like a father to him (or something). Anyway, after Lisa & Mark hook up, Lisa talks with her mother & sister about it… only “she doesn’t want to talk about it” and basically… the dialogue is just horrible… like… my niece Kairi could’ve done better. I’m not joking. I think that about 90% of the movie is dubbed (poorly) yet it was all shot in English. I think Tommy Wiseau is French maybe? He puts really weird emPHASis on weird syllABles in every sentence that makes me think it’s not really his first language… and he just kind of rattles it off quickly… and again with the poor dubbing, you think they’d at least get one good take out of a dozen tries or something in the sound room? Lisa’s character is really confusing… because she seems to swing from “Johnny is the greatest & I love him” to “Ugh… I can’t stand being near him” almost in the same sentence. I’d like to cop her out with saying she has a schizoid dual personality or something… but that’d be giving the acting too much credit… and if so, it was done horribly. I also felt like they said “Don’t worry about it” a few dozen times… but I didn’t count. The movie looks like a play where it’s basically people going in & out of only a few locations (hence the name “The Room”?) but there’s also weird scenes where they throw a football around… and wait for it… there are FIVE LOVE SCENES on top of all that… and they seem like they last forever… and they are HORRIBLE!!! I feel like they finished making the movie & because it was poorly spaced & lines were just rattled off & everybody sucked… that it came out to about 45-50 minutes… and so Tommy said in an (I assume) unintelligible French accent “Well, we can basically turn it into a Cinemax late night flick with a bunch of love scenes. What do you think?” and then they shot it anyway & he added them in to get to 90 minutes. Spoiler alert: It’s so bad that I almost want to watch it again… with Dizzy in the room… to see if it’s the same movie that she was thinking of… because it was too horrible to forget… and things do happen. Horrible, horrible things. So maybe I’m not losing my memory? Who knows?

 

Okay… now for the dreams from my Oregon vacation…

 

Dream #1: Okay, it’s been a while since I had a dream to share with you all… so here it goes. Basically, this dream was apparently shot by the cameramen of WWE. It starts out with what appears to be a steroided-out Armie Hammer (“Lone Ranger”) meeting up with WWE President Vince MacMahon in an office setting with cubicles, just kind of running into each other… but Armie is of course shirtless, wearing only boots, speedo & what appears to be a championship belt over his shoulder.

 

Armie says in a semi-pompous tone (think early Triple H days): “Vince! Sorry to spring upon you like this… but I was wondering if you had a chance to consider my proposition?”

Vince: “Oh yes… Look Armie, I’m not sure that I can arrange that match just yet as you’re still new to the…”

Armie interrupts: “Vince, allow me to stop you right there. Don’t the people WANT… to see the best wrestlers?”

Vince: “Well… yes, of course.”

Armie: “And wouldn’t they like to see the best wrestlers… wrestle one another in a championship match?”
Vince: “That’s not the…”

Armie: “Then wouldn’t it be best… if you put ME, Armie Hammer, the handsome, athletic and dare I say… majestic new face of WWE in the ring… against another legend like… Heavyweight champion Shawn Michaels (who may very well be retired and/or dead by now as much as I keep track of wrestling) as soon as possible? I mean… the ratings from the female demographic alone (he says looking into the camera smiling).”

Vince; “You make a good point… but you only have a few fights under your belt and it takes time…”

Armie: “Oh, you mean… this belt (showing off the belt on his shoulder)?”

Vince: “Yes, that belt from the amateur division that you won against Sylvester St…”

Armie: “I don’t have time for to wait around for you to wise up, old man… I have Academy Awards to win. I want that championship match & I want it NOW!”

 

 

Shawn Michaels bursts through a door: “YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, LONE RANGER? COME GET SOME!!!” Then basically there’s a full out brawl with them smashing through cubicles, breaking desks in half with their falls, copiers firing off paper, waste baskets, water buckets & staplers being used as weapons, people fleeing out of the way, some trying to catch the action on their phones… just pure mayhem… and then eventually I wake up. You’re welcome.

 

Dream #2 (possibly Klamath Falls taco truck fueled): Three Old Guys – Apparently I got a sneak preview at the new “Expendables” movie… only the cast is apparently a little different… so maybe it’s Part 4. Anyway, it starts out at the airport. There’s some kid (maybe the guy from “Slumdog Millionaire”? Dev Patel?) and he’s frantically trying to get through the terminal. “Come on you guys… we have to get there quickly!” He stops, turns to look back… and there’s Team Planet Hollywood (Stallone, Schwarzenegger & Bruce Willis) struggling to catch their breath. Bruce says, “Look kid, we have some serious jetlag going here… and I haven’t had any coffee… and this f**king airport is HUGE!!! I think we’ve got a minute to catch our breaths… especially since you still haven’t told us why we’re running.”

 

Dev: “I told you… they have my family & we need to save them. Let’s go! No time! You can catch breath in taxi!” So he goes off again… and the three elders keep up with him for the most part… but let’s face it, they’re in their 60-70’s in this dream. Time catches us all. They go outside and try to hail a taxi but they all speed off… probably because they’re old guys screaming unintelligible things at taxi drivers. Arnie & Sly can’t be understood with their winded speech impediments… and Bruce is yelling while trying to catch his breath so he gets like one word out at a time. “Stop… Taxi… Stop…” The kid is trying to get a taxi too but is almost immediately snagged by a large dude & taken away. Not seeing any of this, Bruce does the bold badass thing and stands in front of a taxi… luckily the driver slams on the brakes. “Thank you! We need a ride!” The cabbie gets out & yells a bit… but Arnie pops up behind him, grabs him, turns him around & yells frantically “YOU GATTU COM DOWN! DEES IS AN EMERGENZY!”

 
 

They pile in, the cabbie starts driving, Bruce looks around… “Where’s the kid?” The other two look around confused… “Guys! Where’s the kid? Where the hell are we going?” Looks out the back window, “Stop the taxi!” Cabbie: “There is no stopping or turning around on this road until the freeway, we’ll have to do a loop if we’re picking up your friend.”

 

Flash to the kid, being thrown down in some sand by the feet of a large dude… slow pan up to… Jason Momoa (new “Conan”, season one of “King of Thrones” & “Bullet to the Head”). “You did a good job. Now those three get to witness everything firsthand.” Dev: “No problem at all… please… let my family go! I’ve done all you asked.” Jason: “You sure did… and for that, you’ll see your family soon enough.” Snaps his fingers and two other dudes grab Dev, pick him up & set him in a tub for gutting & cleaning fish at a beach somewhere. Jason pulls out a wicked knife. Dev: “What are you doing?” Jason: “Reuniting you with your family? I killed them all a while ago… don’t worry, it was quick. I’m humane in my treatment of animals.” (Jason Momoa’s character is apparently pretty racist in my dream… or just has a low value for life… I’m gonna go with the latter). Long story short, side view of screaming Dev split down the middle, little blood for like a second, quick cut to…

 

Bruce back in the cab: “Where the f**k are you going?”

Cabbie: “The highway is closed & this is the detour it’s taking me on into downtown… what do you want me to do?”

Sly: “Ey yo… (indecipherable mumblings that sound like ideas being uttered)”

Bruce: “What the f**k are you saying? It’s amazing that you’ve made it this far when you don’t speak English… AND IT’S YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE!”

Sly: “Ey!”

Bruce: “Ey my ass! You weren’t a real boxer… why the hell is it more people understand Larry Holmes than you?”

Arnie: “Broos… That is very mean auf you to say… we jus need to COM DOWNNN and…”

Bruce: “YOU WERE A GOVERNOR! Probably could’ve been President if you weren’t banging the f**king nanny during your Kindergarten Cop days… and I think your accent has progressively gotten worse. What the f**k?”

 

BOOM!!! Everybody looks outside, Bruce: “Pull over! What the hell was that?” Cabbie: “I can’t stop. We’re in the flow of traffic, let me pull over to the…” Bruce: “Slow down then, I’m getting out… (opens the door)” Cabbie: “My friend, don’t…” Bruce hops out of the taxi going about 20 MPH and instead of being all smooth like in “RED”, he basically just rolls in a very unbadass way and lies in a heap when the other get out of the taxi when it stops. Arnie & Sly come to his aid & help him up… Bruce: “Don’t touch me… ooooooh God… I’m pretty f**ked up… oooooh I need some serious medical attention… ooooooh that was really f**king stupid…”

 

Apparently the noise was a large explosion down the street… there’s random gunfire echoing off the buildings… they look around and it’s basically a pan-around vertical shot of them watching these building on fire, crazy stuff in the streets… and then a helicopter is flying in… but then basically looses control & crashes about a block away from them… Bruce: “Holy sh*t… it’s Armageddon…” and that’s about the time I wake up. Sorry, wish I had more… again, you’re welcome.

 

Well, that’ll wrap it up for this entry. There are some things that I have planned for this weekend but… I forget what they are. Nyuk nyuk nyuk… see what I did there? With the… post about memory loss and… then I said… forget it. There’s a birthday party in Sacramento that I may be going to… and I’m sure other things. Hope that you all have a great weekend as well!!! Peace!!! By the way... I know my dreams were a little dude-centric this entry so don't even start with all that...