Vince: “That’s not the…”
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Mysteries of the Mind
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Well, today is just going to be a kind of hodge-podge of random things from the past week that I wanted to share but didn’t really fit right in the Oregon posts. There will be dreams… which have become a rarity on this blog of late… but mostly for a few reasons such as:
A) They are unmemorable
B) I don’t think you’d care in the least
C) Dizzy can tell you, if it’s just a bunch of random images that I remember… then it’s probably not worth mentioning
D) A wise man once said that “other people’s dreams are like photographs… if you’re not in them & nobody’s f**king, then who cares?”
So on that note… the mind is a funny thing as I’m sure you know. As I get older, I like to think that my mind is still pretty quick & I do certain exercises to keep it limber because… the last thing that I want to be at the age of 32 is a forgetful old man. I have no childhood drama to repress & I played basketball so only a few concussions from church leagues… but nothing like playing football or boxing or something. Sigh… yes, mild dementia, paranoia, delusion & stuff like that is pretty prevalent in my family tree… but again, doing what I can to prevent that. I do pretty good… and I keep notes, etc handy because I know where my short term memory is pretty weak (I blame my job) but there’s only so much you can do to avoid basically turning into Sammy Jankis (“Memento” reference). On that note, I share this story before my dreams…
So about a month ago, I was thinking about horrible movies… and how a while back I said that I wanted to watch a bunch of the alleged “WORST MOVIES EVER MADE” to see if they really were that bad. Among the list was “The Room” which has been referred to as “The Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” and was written, directed, produced, starring, catered and just about everything else… by Tommy Wiseau. I mentioned to Dizzy that I wanted to watch it & she said “We already did.” What? “Yeah, back when we were first dating you said you wanted to watch this horrible movie called the Room & we did… and it was stupid & nothing happened… and I think you fell asleep… and there may have been drinking involved… but yeah, we watched it.” Really? I know we’ve seen a number of sh*tty movies but… I’ve at least had images stay with me… and basically she could describe no scenes where it was even like, “Oh yeah… I vaguely remem…” NOTHING! So I was skeptical… and thought “I would’ve blogged about it, right?” I’ll search Tommy Wiseau or #worstmovies or whatever and see a review of how horrible it is. Well, I searched… and the only thing that I could find was that I had mentioned wanting to see it. So did we watch it & I had completely forgotten to even mention it? Was it really so boring that I couldn’t recall one fact about it? Had I deprived my loyal readers a review of this monstrosity due to thirst for life & libation? Was I becoming… Mortal? NO!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! PREPOSTEROUS!!! HOW DARE YOU??? There was only one way to settle this… and that was to watch the movie AGAIN!!! See if it would jog my memory & then I could confirm or deny having seen it before.
Well, I watched "The Room" Tuesday night and… Not one scene seemed familiar. Frankly, I don’t see how I could’ve possibly fallen asleep watching this train wreck. So… the story is about this banker named Johnny (Wiseau) who is the “future husband” of Lisa. Apparently Lisa gets bored… so then she seduces his best friend Mark (FYI it’s repeated that he is Johnny’s best friend about a dozen times throughout the movie in case you forget). There’s also a young orphan boy Denny who shows up ALL the time… but Johnny is like a father to him (or something). Anyway, after Lisa & Mark hook up, Lisa talks with her mother & sister about it… only “she doesn’t want to talk about it” and basically… the dialogue is just horrible… like… my niece Kairi could’ve done better. I’m not joking. I think that about 90% of the movie is dubbed (poorly) yet it was all shot in English. I think Tommy Wiseau is French maybe? He puts really weird emPHASis on weird syllABles in every sentence that makes me think it’s not really his first language… and he just kind of rattles it off quickly… and again with the poor dubbing, you think they’d at least get one good take out of a dozen tries or something in the sound room? Lisa’s character is really confusing… because she seems to swing from “Johnny is the greatest & I love him” to “Ugh… I can’t stand being near him” almost in the same sentence. I’d like to cop her out with saying she has a schizoid dual personality or something… but that’d be giving the acting too much credit… and if so, it was done horribly. I also felt like they said “Don’t worry about it” a few dozen times… but I didn’t count. The movie looks like a play where it’s basically people going in & out of only a few locations (hence the name “The Room”?) but there’s also weird scenes where they throw a football around… and wait for it… there are FIVE LOVE SCENES on top of all that… and they seem like they last forever… and they are HORRIBLE!!! I feel like they finished making the movie & because it was poorly spaced & lines were just rattled off & everybody sucked… that it came out to about 45-50 minutes… and so Tommy said in an (I assume) unintelligible French accent “Well, we can basically turn it into a Cinemax late night flick with a bunch of love scenes. What do you think?” and then they shot it anyway & he added them in to get to 90 minutes. Spoiler alert: It’s so bad that I almost want to watch it again… with Dizzy in the room… to see if it’s the same movie that she was thinking of… because it was too horrible to forget… and things do happen. Horrible, horrible things. So maybe I’m not losing my memory? Who knows?
Okay… now for the dreams from my Oregon vacation…
Dream #1: Okay, it’s been a while since I had a dream to share with you all… so here it goes. Basically, this dream was apparently shot by the cameramen of WWE. It starts out with what appears to be a steroided-out Armie Hammer (“Lone Ranger”) meeting up with WWE President Vince MacMahon in an office setting with cubicles, just kind of running into each other… but Armie is of course shirtless, wearing only boots, speedo & what appears to be a championship belt over his shoulder.
Armie says in a semi-pompous tone (think early Triple H days): “Vince! Sorry to spring upon you like this… but I was wondering if you had a chance to consider my proposition?”
Vince: “Oh yes… Look Armie, I’m not sure that I can arrange that match just yet as you’re still new to the…”
Armie interrupts: “Vince, allow me to stop you right there. Don’t the people WANT… to see the best wrestlers?”
Vince: “Well… yes, of course.”
Armie: “And wouldn’t they like to see the best wrestlers… wrestle one another in a championship match?”
Vince: “That’s not the…”
Vince: “That’s not the…”
Armie: “Then wouldn’t it be best… if you put ME, Armie Hammer, the handsome, athletic and dare I say… majestic new face of WWE in the ring… against another legend like… Heavyweight champion Shawn Michaels (who may very well be retired and/or dead by now as much as I keep track of wrestling) as soon as possible? I mean… the ratings from the female demographic alone (he says looking into the camera smiling).”
Vince; “You make a good point… but you only have a few fights under your belt and it takes time…”
Armie: “Oh, you mean… this belt (showing off the belt on his shoulder)?”
Vince: “Yes, that belt from the amateur division that you won against Sylvester St…”
Armie: “I don’t have time for to wait around for you to wise up, old man… I have Academy Awards to win. I want that championship match & I want it NOW!”
Shawn Michaels bursts through a door: “YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, LONE RANGER? COME GET SOME!!!” Then basically there’s a full out brawl with them smashing through cubicles, breaking desks in half with their falls, copiers firing off paper, waste baskets, water buckets & staplers being used as weapons, people fleeing out of the way, some trying to catch the action on their phones… just pure mayhem… and then eventually I wake up. You’re welcome.
Dream #2 (possibly Klamath Falls taco truck fueled): Three Old Guys – Apparently I got a sneak preview at the new “Expendables” movie… only the cast is apparently a little different… so maybe it’s Part 4. Anyway, it starts out at the airport. There’s some kid (maybe the guy from “Slumdog Millionaire”? Dev Patel?) and he’s frantically trying to get through the terminal. “Come on you guys… we have to get there quickly!” He stops, turns to look back… and there’s Team Planet Hollywood (Stallone, Schwarzenegger & Bruce Willis) struggling to catch their breath. Bruce says, “Look kid, we have some serious jetlag going here… and I haven’t had any coffee… and this f**king airport is HUGE!!! I think we’ve got a minute to catch our breaths… especially since you still haven’t told us why we’re running.”
Dev: “I told you… they have my family & we need to save them. Let’s go! No time! You can catch breath in taxi!” So he goes off again… and the three elders keep up with him for the most part… but let’s face it, they’re in their 60-70’s in this dream. Time catches us all. They go outside and try to hail a taxi but they all speed off… probably because they’re old guys screaming unintelligible things at taxi drivers. Arnie & Sly can’t be understood with their winded speech impediments… and Bruce is yelling while trying to catch his breath so he gets like one word out at a time. “Stop… Taxi… Stop…” The kid is trying to get a taxi too but is almost immediately snagged by a large dude & taken away. Not seeing any of this, Bruce does the bold badass thing and stands in front of a taxi… luckily the driver slams on the brakes. “Thank you! We need a ride!” The cabbie gets out & yells a bit… but Arnie pops up behind him, grabs him, turns him around & yells frantically “YOU GATTU COM DOWN! DEES IS AN EMERGENZY!”
They pile in, the cabbie starts driving, Bruce looks around… “Where’s the kid?” The other two look around confused… “Guys! Where’s the kid? Where the hell are we going?” Looks out the back window, “Stop the taxi!” Cabbie: “There is no stopping or turning around on this road until the freeway, we’ll have to do a loop if we’re picking up your friend.”
Flash to the kid, being thrown down in some sand by the feet of a large dude… slow pan up to… Jason Momoa (new “Conan”, season one of “King of Thrones” & “Bullet to the Head”). “You did a good job. Now those three get to witness everything firsthand.” Dev: “No problem at all… please… let my family go! I’ve done all you asked.” Jason: “You sure did… and for that, you’ll see your family soon enough.” Snaps his fingers and two other dudes grab Dev, pick him up & set him in a tub for gutting & cleaning fish at a beach somewhere. Jason pulls out a wicked knife. Dev: “What are you doing?” Jason: “Reuniting you with your family? I killed them all a while ago… don’t worry, it was quick. I’m humane in my treatment of animals.” (Jason Momoa’s character is apparently pretty racist in my dream… or just has a low value for life… I’m gonna go with the latter). Long story short, side view of screaming Dev split down the middle, little blood for like a second, quick cut to…
Bruce back in the cab: “Where the f**k are you going?”
Cabbie: “The highway is closed & this is the detour it’s taking me on into downtown… what do you want me to do?”
Sly: “Ey yo… (indecipherable mumblings that sound like ideas being uttered)”
Bruce: “What the f**k are you saying? It’s amazing that you’ve made it this far when you don’t speak English… AND IT’S YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE!”
Bruce: “Ey my ass! You weren’t a real boxer… why the hell is it more people understand Larry Holmes than you?”
Arnie: “Broos… That is very mean auf you to say… we jus need to COM DOWNNN and…”
Bruce: “YOU WERE A GOVERNOR! Probably could’ve been President if you weren’t banging the f**king nanny during your Kindergarten Cop days… and I think your accent has progressively gotten worse. What the f**k?”
BOOM!!! Everybody looks outside, Bruce: “Pull over! What the hell was that?” Cabbie: “I can’t stop. We’re in the flow of traffic, let me pull over to the…” Bruce: “Slow down then, I’m getting out… (opens the door)” Cabbie: “My friend, don’t…” Bruce hops out of the taxi going about 20 MPH and instead of being all smooth like in “RED”, he basically just rolls in a very unbadass way and lies in a heap when the other get out of the taxi when it stops. Arnie & Sly come to his aid & help him up… Bruce: “Don’t touch me… ooooooh God… I’m pretty f**ked up… oooooh I need some serious medical attention… ooooooh that was really f**king stupid…”
Apparently the noise was a large explosion down the street… there’s random gunfire echoing off the buildings… they look around and it’s basically a pan-around vertical shot of them watching these building on fire, crazy stuff in the streets… and then a helicopter is flying in… but then basically looses control & crashes about a block away from them… Bruce: “Holy sh*t… it’s Armageddon…” and that’s about the time I wake up. Sorry, wish I had more… again, you’re welcome.
Well, that’ll wrap it up for this entry. There are some things that I have planned for this weekend but… I forget what they are. Nyuk nyuk nyuk… see what I did there? With the… post about memory loss and… then I said… forget it. There’s a birthday party in Sacramento that I may be going to… and I’m sure other things. Hope that you all have a great weekend as well!!! Peace!!! By the way... I know my dreams were a little dude-centric this entry so don't even start with all that...