Easter Funny Kill Bill!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

It’s been a little bit of a busy week wrapping up the 1^st quarter of 2016 and getting wedding / honeymoon information taken care of for August… but I’ve gotten a few movies in to share with you.

 

First up is the movie that was originally going to be featured on the Everything I Learned From Movies Podcast, 2006’s “Easter Bunny Kill Kill!” starring… nobody you know, it’s a very small independent film. We were going to watch this movie & review it… but based on the preview on the DVD, Izzy decided that it was too gory for her… so we switched it up to “Night of the Lepus” which turned out to be for the better. This movie follows a jerkass named Remington (first scene is him sticking up a convenience store in an Easter Bunny mask, then blasts him with a shotgun) who has sleazed his way into being the boyfriend of a single mom whose raising a special needs 16-year old (and I was trying to determine whether her occupation was a nurse or a stripper who wore a nurse’s outfit). Well, he’s all nice when she’s around… but once she goes to work, Remington is verbally abusive to her son… and threatens to kill his bunny… and then one night while he goes off to snort blow & f**k some hookers, he rents out her special needs son’s sweet virgin ass to a child molester. Yeah, this movie gets really dark, really quick. Well… as the title would imply, there is one person who can save his innocence… and that’s the Easter Bunny… who comes to save the day with a power drill, hammer & other assortments from a tool belt. I’m not going to spoil the ending… but yeah, this is a pretty low budget slasher flick. I mean… the acting was pretty bad, but not horrible. Given the movie that they were doing… who am I kidding? It was pretty bad. The “kill scenes” are interesting though a little sloppy on the editing… the music was pretty good for the atmosphere… but yeah, the dialogue was horrible… there’s a lot of “why would you do that?” moments… but yeah, it had an Easter Bunny. I don’t know… I give it 3 out of 10 stars or something like that. I liked Remington’s 10-second “Coke & Hookers” song that he sang in the mirror… and there was some stray titties… but that’s about it.

 

I followed that up with a movie that actually made me a little scared, the 2015 documentary “The Nightmare” which talks about sleep paralysis and is from the director of “Room 237”. Essentially the movie is a series of interviews with people who suffer from sleep paralysis, a condition in which people go to sleep… but then have lucid dream-like situations where they all seem to have the same experience… where the shadows seem to come alive and torment them, yet they cannot speak, move or even so much as close their eyes or look away while feeling absolutely terrified, sometimes with their breathing and other functions shutting down on them.  Think of it as an incredibly deep sleep where you’re in a dream that you can’t escape… basically the kind of stuff that Wes Craven turned into the “Nightmare on Elm Street” franchise and the more recent “Insidious” horror franchise is based on… and basically most people who suffer from it think it’s bordering on the line of demonic possessions, even the atheists. This documentary pairs these interviews with some pretty good reenactments of their stories… and apparently there’s really no cure (except for one instance I won’t spoil) and the sleep paralysis gets progressively worse as you get older. I’d highly recommend checking out this movie… it’s very well done & interesting.

 

One reason that it scared me a little bit… is I’ve had a few dreams where there was a form of this (Oct 4^th, 2010 – “Wave of Killers” for one) especially when I’ve had a few to drink, but even when completely sober. No, it’s not a major thing in my life… but it’s happened before… and most of their stories started out like “Yeah, it happened a few times as a kid… and then it just got worse… and now I can’t even go to sleep, hold a relationship, find meaning in my life.” Okay, not that bad… they’ve actually all done pretty well for themselves considering the constant torment of sleep paralysis that they have… but yeah, just a little scary. Don’t worry, I won’t let it get to me. Does anybody else have these kind of dreams occasionally?

 

Saturday night, Izzy & I went to a swanky event known as the Sea Otter Soiree at the world famous San Francisco Zoo, and hosted by the Museum of the Farallones. At this event, we met with likeminded individuals who are interested in all things otter… and listened to a speech about the research being done in the area concerning the migration patterns, ecological benefits & everything else otter-related. Oh… and there was beer, of course… it’s a swanky event. Here are some pictures, including probably one of the best pictures of us ever taken…

 

 

 

Last little update… the next episode of Everything I Learned From Movies (eilfm.podbean.com) will be… drum roll… Day of the Dolphin!!!

 

But $teve, didn’t you already tell us about this wonderful movie months ago?” Yes, Izzy & I watched it a few months ago… but we wanted to elaborate… and share our vocal skills in recreating dolphin noises (well, Izzy anyway). It’s a great flick… and may contain the greatest scene in film history towards the end. Watch it! Let us know what you think! Then we can give you a shout out on the podcast! Until then, have a great day everybody!!!

CHAPPiE, Trippy Dreams & Quiet Lightning

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Monday night, Izzy & I went to a “literary mix tape” called Quiet Lightning at the WeWork Building in Mid-Market. First & foremost, I just want to give a shout out to the WeWork Building… it’s pretty sweet. This seven-story building is apparently one of a network of similar office buildings around the nation that offer part-time office spaces to companies in need of a meeting room… but doesn’t really have a presence in the city yet, so more like emerging small businesses (usually tech companies in this area). The spaces are all cleaned, organized, appropriated & handled by WeWork… and there’s usually like a little common area if needed… and apparently they have craft beer available on every floor. For this instance, there was a keg of Lagunitas IPA, Anchor Steam & Anderson Valley Boont Amber… all included with the event. F**king awesome if you ask me… yeah, it’s basically a hipster’s paradise.

 

Anyway, Quiet Lightning, the aforementioned “literary mix tape”, is basically where writers of different genre, backgrounds, subjects all come together to share their short stories or poetry… usually about five minutes per person. This instance was led by the writing class that Izzy has been a part of the past few months… and it was pretty good. Each writer had a very separate & distinct style and prose to their works… and it was pretty entertaining… and the beer was plentiful for the not-so-uplifting stories. I highly recommend it if you ever are in the neighborhood. Heck, you can check their schedule online. See ya there! I’ll probably be the tall guy in a suit dispensing beer…

 

So that night… I had one of my fairly crazy dreams. I know, it’s been a long time since I shared one of these weird dreams with you… mostly because within about ten minutes of waking up I usually forget about it… but I remembered a few weird things about this one. Anyway, it was apparently set back in Feudal Europe… or maybe those Time Before Time settings like “Conan” or “Beastmaster”. There was the usual knights & serfs… but also barbarians. The first thing that I remembered was there was some kind of epic battle going on outside of a small rural village (no castle that I remember)… with broadswords slashing & screaming and all that mess… and probably the reason that stuck was that with every decapitation… the heads would still be moving about and barking out orders or something to the other men. Some of them were even moving slowly along the ground by moving their lower jaw & chin about to kind of wiggle like a slug or something, occasionally tipping over & then just kinda roll around on their scalp… oh but WAIT, there’s more!!!

 

Another part I remember is there was some super-hot redhead barbarian chick in full sexy regalia (think “Heavenly Sword” but with a spear) and she was in a home fighting off a half-dozen knights and dudes with pitchforks or whatever they could grab… and she was basically wasting them. Shank one guy, shank one the other way, pull out the spear and twirl a bit, cracking open a cookie jar while clearing out the way, followed by a pole vault kick sending one dude throw the front door, all that stuff, just destroying these dudes… and when they were all down, she left. Back in the house though, a little serf guy slowly comes out from behind a staircase… “Whew… that was intense.” He then sees a few cookies lying on the dresser top, takes one out of the porcelain shards, bites into it, “Hmm… that’s good” and then drops it down behind the crack of the dresser… and almost instinctively goes after it, grabbing it ALMOST immediately when it hits the ground… and then takes a self-congratulatory bite for his quick reflexes… and then realizes there are still 5-6 other cookies on the dress that… well, hadn’t touched the floor… and then he looks around at all the dead men on his floor… and then shrugs it off & takes another bite. “Whatever.” By the way, if you’re looking for any kind of deep meaning in my dreams, then I kinda pity you…

 

Back outside, the barbarians seem to be winning & there are only a few local soldiers still around. The rest have ran off with their families from the battle leaving behind their homes & such. Then up walks this giant barbarian lord (basically looks like me… if I had the body of Jason Momoa covered in blood & ritual face paint) and he’s breathing deep, savoring the victory. Then Red Sonya or whoever comes flying out of nowhere and still covered in God-knows-what, wraps her legs around him. “I must have… Him!” Him of course referring to his codpiece which she is now gyrating upon… but being the badass that he is, just kind of brushes her off and looks around, “After the Feast! Now… battle.” He then runs after a few of the stragglers who appear to be clergymen in the distance (about 50 yards off), they notice, and with a collective “NyoooOoOoOof**k!” they start running off… and then the dream end with my alarm. You’re welcome everybody!

 

 

Wednesday night, we went to a special preview of “Chappie” starring Hugh Jackman, Sigourney Weaver, Dev Patel & from the director of “District 9” & “Elysium” Neill Blomkamp. Now… when I saw the preview on TV for this movie… I instantly went into sarcastic mode & posted on Facebook something along the lines of “Didn’t they already do a RoboCop reboot last year?” Then someone suggested that I see the full 150-second trailer… and my thought was “Oh! So it’s ‘Short Circuit’ meets ‘RoboCop’… I love both of those movies, right? So why am I not excited?” Have I grown that cynical when it comes to big budget movies? Everything is recycled BS so what’s the point anymore? I like to think not… but at the same time, there’s very little out there to make me think otherwise. Need proof? Name one nomination for Best Picture last year that made money / was a financial success. “American Sniper” right? Literally had to have ‘American’ in the title, Bradley Cooper starring & Clint Eastwood directing to even get a passing glance here in the states. Regardless, this post isn’t about the state of big budget movies (or is it?) but just a passing glance at my first impressions going into this special preview… at least it was free & I wasn’t wasting $30 to see it… let’s check it out.

 

Now, I’m going to tell you right now… GO SEE THIS F**KING MOVIE!!! Okay, so the story is set in Johannesburg, South Africa (did I mention the director Neill Blomkamp?) in the far distant future of 2016… and the city is 1980’s Detroit meets f**king Afrika the past two hundred years! Hundreds of murders & violent crime each day, riots, all that jazz… so a company called Tetravaal comes in with a solution… robotic police officers, basically soldier drones to come in & clean up the town… and it works incredibly well. Meanwhile, the lead designer (Patel) is working on an artificial intelligence program in his spare time… and thinks he has it down, but is turned down by the CEO (Weaver) for funding. So… he kinda steals a robot that was on its way to the scrap heap… and before he can do his own experiments on it, he’s jacked by a few pretty sinister fellows (Ninja, Yo-Landi Visser & Jose Pablo Cantillo) who take him to their hideout because they want to program a robot cop to help them pull a major heist. Well, as luck would have it… they now have the lead designer & a robot almost ready to go… but they basically have to input this AI program and teach the robot… as if it were a supersmart child. Okay, now it’s time for the breakdown:

 

What I Loved About This Movie:

 

·         The Not So Subtle Context - What follows in the movie is basically a whole discussion on nature vs. nurture, what life is, what constitutes it, what it’s all about, what makes us human, why can’t a robot be human too, dealing with mortality, conflicting morality, can technology save us, can we be immortal through technology, all that kind of stuff… and oddly enough, despite it being pretty blatant (the lead designer is called “My Maker” and the thugs who basically raise him are “Daddy”, “Mommy” and “America”) that whole angle is actually VERY well done. It’s like a compilation of every Philip K. Dick novella or short story rolled into one… set in our current timeframe… and played out. There’s really a whole lot to talk about this with regards to this movie… but I’m just going to recommend that you check it out. It’ll be easier to discuss later. I don’t want to spoil anything.

·         The Acting AKA Who the f**k are Ninja& Yo-Landi? - The acting throughout… top notch. The Character Arcs are extremely good. The thugs that start out kidnapping the lead designer & raising Chappie (the robot by the way) as an evil tool… eventually warm up to him and fill their basic parenting and/or creepy uncle roles. Yes, the dialogue gets a little cheesy at times, but yeah… no idea who Ninja & Yo-Landi were before this movie… wouldn’t be surprised if they blew the f**k up after this. I’ve already seen Mr. Cantillo in a bunch of bad movies that I loved (both “Crank” movies & “Disturbia”) so he’s already half way there, but these guys were out of nowhere. I thought they’d just be bit caricatures of street punks or something. Also, as usual, Dev Patel, Hugh Jackman & Sigourney Weaver are powerhouses… but we already knew that.

·         Music – Throughout this movie, the music is great at striking the notes needed… whether a bombastic house music explosion during the action scenes and slow-mo shots (that may or may not be made by the aforementioned Ninja, I just know I heard the artist say “Ninja” like a dozen times) to the hearttouching ballad moments, it all fits, is consistent, and doesn’t take you completely out of the movie. I think it also helps that with it being set in South Africa (basically could be Mars to most of us Westerners) it’s really good for it to have its own distinctive soundtrack like this movie provides.

·         The Carjacking Scene – Okay, so there’s a scene in this movie the thugs basically trick Chappie into stealing cars for them… saying that they’re his “Daddy”s cars. It’s just f**king hilarious. There are a few scenes like this one throughout… but this stood out to me. Just a mix of innocence, savage brutality, stunned reactions, teenage awkwardness and all that jazz… that’s all I’m going to say.

·         This Movie has F**king Heart – For being a movie about robot police officers, this movie had touching moments. Now, I’m not saying that original “RoboCop” director Paul Verhoeven doesn’t know how to build real & believably touching moments in his films (“Showgirls”, “Starship Troopers”, “Basic Instinct”, etc)… oh wait, never mind. What I’m saying is… primarily because the robot has the mentality & morality of a child in the most horrible of situations, you totally feel for it… like… maybe even more than if it were a real child, as sad as that thought may be, because the robot is exactly what we program it to be in that short amount of time, as opposed to a child not constantly being under supervision, so it could’ve learned traits from anywhere. It’s a weird little conundrum that this movie builds… but I like it. The lessons learned mean something… the pain means something… the loss means something… the little joys mean something… and at times you have to remember, it’s a f**king robot! Or is it? You end up seeing his world through the eyes of a child.

 

What I Didn’t Like As Much

 

·         I Keep Thinking About Other Movies – There’s really not a lot to knit-pick about this movie as I obviously loved it. One thing was… it seems to borrow a LOT of key elements from some pretty major motion pictures. Granted, most of them are the best parts of those other movies… but here’s just a brief list: The entire plot, main characters, character voices, HELL almost the set design & all key locations from the “RoboCop” movies, but with the titular character as Johnny 5 from “Short Circuit” with the willingness to learn & adorableness of “Wall*E” but with guns & throwing stars. Not enough for you? How about if we had the star of “Real Steel” (Jackman) basically playing the same character (super athletic computer engineer) but instead of making him the hero of the movie… he’s the jealous adversary? And instead of a giant Rock-em Sock-em robot, we give him the ED-209 from “RoboCop”? Wait… do you think we’re taking too much from that movie? Are they gonna sue us?

·         The Use of Hugh Jackman – Don’t get me wrong, Hugh Jackman is Hugh Jackman in this movie… and he’s great. I like seeing him as the bad guy from time to time. Here’s the character’s story arc as far as I can tell though: An ex-soldier / rugby player / world-class robotic engineer has a pretty sweet R&D job with the world’s most prominent robotics company (already imagining how much a$$ this guy gets). Well, his robotics project (ED-209, basically a robo-tank with everything from rockets to machine guns to cluster bombs to F**KING JET PACKS!!!) is considered too expensive to mass produce because the Chappie program is so much more cost effective & overall effective. By the way, these would totally be on the field in war… even if you had Chappie-like soldiers, this is the equivalent of bringing in those giant orcs in the Lord of the Rings movies… but with gats & a jet pack! It’ll clear the f**king room… and it’s basically operated by a guy wearing a helmet thousands of miles away. Anyway, because of this jealousy with the lead designer (I guess), he not only pulls the worst f**king office prank in the history of mankind (actually funny how horrible it is with absolutely no repercussions) but then he puts THOUSANDS of lives in danger by shutting down all of the Chappie robots across Johannessburg, just to prove that his robot is better… but by going to destroy the only Chappie still working? Instead of bringing peace to the city (I assume by hellfire)? This is also on top of a bunch of other things that happen throughout the movie that I’m sure will pop up on Cinema Sins in about six months but… yeah, well done but… kind of a weird, illogical story arc. “I’ll show them mine is better by destroying the city! Then I’ll… completely forget to show them while I kill the other lead designer! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!”

·         Subtitles – Basically the accents in this movie were so bad at times that they had to use subtitles… but you could still really make out what they were saying (mostly the character Hippo & when everybody is talking at once). Really this is a warning that you’ll be listening to that Afrikaans / South African patois accent for two hours… but it’s not that bad.

·         Deon Wilson? Nope… Not Buying It – The only other thing I’ve got… is Dev Patel’s lead designer character name is Deon Wilson… and I’m not buying it. You show me a person of Indian descent with the name Deon Wilson… and I’ll show you a blond-haired, blue-eyed Deepak Nahasapetaminijad. Makes me wonder who was originally going to play Deon… before they realized they could pull Dev Patel.

 

Overall Synopsis: Again, go see this f**king movie!!! Like right now!!! Or at least some time this weekend!!! Also, before I go... I'd better add something about beer... so here's some Beer Lacing... I see the Roadrunner right before he meep-meeps outta here...

 

Anyway, big busy weekend coming up… but I’ve bored you long enough… have a great weekend everybody!!! GO SEE CHAPPIE!!!

Transcendent Thoughts

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

First & foremost, a big happy birthday to The Wingman earlier this week. It’s been a big year with everything from his marriage to the passing of his father… his son getting married to still ongoing courtroom custody battles across the state… all kinds of stuff in between, and I feel sorry that I haven’t been there to, I don’t know, share a beer with him to vent it out or anything like that living a thousand miles away… but yeah, he’s a good strong dude & he can pull through… and he’s got his family there to support him. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing him in a few weeks when I go to Utah though. He’s been itching to try my beer ever since he heard about it so, hopefully it’s not disappointing. I’ve missed ya bro… happy birthday!!!

 

Speaking of legends, I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that comedic icon Robin Williams took his own life a few days ago… and it’s just sad as f**k any way you slice it. For over forty years, the guy was almost ALWAYS on stage. From summer blockbusters to the most meaningless interview, every time that he knew there was a camera around… and from interviews even when they weren’t, he was there just trying to make people smile & keep it light and airy. I’m sure those closest to him know the darker side with the drugs, addiction, depression & all that mess… but it was never a huge thing in the public light, so most are shocked. Whenever I hear about somebody taking their own life, it’s rough for me. Like most of you out there, I’ve known a few people who have taken their life… and it’s always incredibly sad & seemingly selfish at the same time. There’s always the sudden feelings of “Oh my God! How did this happen? I had no idea they felt this way” to “F**k them for taking the easy way out! P**sy!” and reflecting on the good times and trying to search for answers in the bad times… but yeah, it’s just tragic all around. So because that’s the way I am… let’s focus on the good stuff. His comedy was hilarious, relevant, inspiring & just plain ridiculous… his “real” acting was even pretty decent. I mean… sure there was some bad movies over the years, but show me an actor or actress who has not been in a bad movie & I’ll show you a waitress at a diner or parking valet in Hollywood. However, he was also in some great ones… and he always seemed to give it his all. He also had lots of philanthropic work going on… and especially here in San Francisco, he was just one of those living legends walking amongst the commoners from time to time… but at the same time, never really put himself on a pedestal above others. You could go on for days & days about all the complexities of his character (and believe me, you’ll hear plenty of it for the next month or so on TV) but the world is truly a sadder place without Robin Williams. Hopefully you’ve found peace…

 

Tuesday night, I watched “Transcendence” starring Johnny Depp, Rebecca Hall, Morgan Freeman, Cillian Murphy & Paul Bettany… and directed by Wally Pfister, who was the cinematographer for all those great Christopher Nolan movies from the past decade. The story is about a scientist & his wife (Depp & Hall) who are on the forefront of creating artificial intelligence to help solve all of the world’s problems from the environment to the economy to war to hunger to dropped cell phone calls to girls who won’t call back to that stuff that forms in your eyes when you sleep… you get the idea. Well, there’s an ecoterrorist organization that blows up a bunch of labs across the U.S. to stop them from doing so (Why? You know why… religion, fear of technology, they cancelled Firefly, change, blah blah blah) and so the only lab left is theirs… and they have to go into hiding because… you know, cops & FBI are pointless. Well, because the attempt on the scientist’s life left him with radiation poisoning (apparently it was on the bullet) he only has a month to live… and so he downloads himself into the artificial intelligence… the wife is like “Oh my God, you’re alive! I’ll totally hook you up to the internet!” while their friend (Bettany) is a little more “Wait, this might not be a good idea to give THIS access to EVERYTHING!” Well, of course he gets hooked to the web… and they have all the resources they would ever need to do their research… but is it really the scientist in the machine? Or is it the machine playing as the scientist to get what it wants? Now, all I heard about this movie from the few people I know that saw it… is that it was horrible. Now, the pacing… is extremely slow for most parts of the movie. It may not really be… but it certainly does feel that way & that’s what really matters. For all the talk about technology being able to cure everything in mere minutes & flashing screens of everything happening almost instantaneously, there’s a LOT of slow mo, whimsical, you know… shots like a cinematographer is jerking himself off. Aside from that though, the characters are fairly interesting (though the wife is a little too… overly wifey?) and the overlying theme is that technology can be great but it can also be very dangerous if unchecked… and all the moral components of what’s right, wrong, weird, better for all, better for the individual, free will, tactical thought, all that stuff… it was a LOT better than I was led to believe. I wouldn’t say a great movie but definitely a good one. I’d say check it out if you’re into a lot of Philip K. Dick novel concepts about reality vs. perception and all that.

 

Wednesday night, I had dinner with Bubbles at a place in the Dogpatch area of town called Poquito. It was a nice little tapas & Latin cuisine place… and they had a happy hour, so we were sold. The portions were actually pretty good for a tapas place too & at reasonable rates. Because Bubbles is vegetarian I was a little worried, but the food was good… and they had things like patatas bravas, potato pancakes, corn pancakes, beet salad & Portobello mushroom empanadas that hit the spot. Go check them out if you’re in the area. As for the chit-chat, she’s looking to move to Vancouver… so we’ll see how long that takes. I offered to introduce her to Doug from the Alaska cruise… oh wait, you still haven’t heard about him have you? Well, she declined… for now.

   

Okay, so Wednesday night, possibly fueled by tapas, I had a weird little dream. The main part that I remember was towards the end where I was basically walking through the desert… with a little rat dog (Pomeranian?) on a leash in one hand… and carrying a gun in the other… behind me is the burning wreckage of a car… and walking in front of me… is Britney Spears in a black leotard kinda thing. Stop! I don’t know why… not even a huge fan of blondes, not even sure if it was her but just a busty blonde. Did I mention that I had a gun & a b**ch on a leash & there was a car on fire? Let’s focus on that! Anyway, we’re having some sort of stupid rom-com conversation straight outta those stupid bounty hunter flicks like “One for the Money” or more like that one with Gerard Butler & Jennifer Aniston “The Bounty Hunter”. Something like she was on the run… and I was trying to find her before the REAL bad guys find her… and because we apparently had a thing, I knew where she’d be… but now I had to walk her back to her car against her will because my car blew up or something… maybe there was a shootout or something beforehand that I don’t remember. Anyway, after a few minutes of that BS and tugging on the little dog to keep up, we come to a town & I holster my weapon.

 

“Okay, where in town are you parked at? Back at the motel?” “Yeah.” “Okay, hand me your keys to the room & your car. You stay over here (by the fence separating a gas station from a canyon) and I’ll check the place out. If the coast is clear, I’ll grab your things, hop in the car & swing by to pick you up. If not, we’ll improvise. Sound good?” “I’m going to jail…” “No, you’re NOT getting SHOT repeatedly until you die. If you turn state’s evidence or whatever, you’ve at least got a shot. I don’t do this for a living & I found you. I was actually kind of surprised that I found you first, let’s not lose that advantage. Keys please.” She hands me the room key… and as she’s handing me the car keys, she flicks them to her right over the cliff edge. I see the keys fall down… down… down… bouncing off the rocks… look back towards her… and basically give her a shrug & say “Okay… good luck… nice knowing ya…” and start walking away. “Where are you going?” “Ugh… I’m going home. I don’t need to be here. 10% of your bail… not really that huge of a thing. Just thought it’d be nice to help you out AND make a few bucks… but I’m done. My skill set, my anonymity to your pursuers, my kind heart towards your disposition, my willingness to allow you & your f**king dog to continue living after you blew my f**king car up, all that is no longer available. Obviously you've got this all figured out.”

 

I throw the leash at her and the dog starts barking… so I do the only rational thing & aim my gun at it. “NO!” She jumps at me to stop, I raise the gun up into the air and she jumps and stretches to grab it… but I’m really tall so… you know, breasts bouncing all about, grinding up on my sh*t, obviously she starts falling for me, feeling all up on my pecs, blah blah blah, you’ve seen this kind of movie before. I reach down with one arm & reach around her, lean over her backturned posture as she’s just waiting for my embrace… and then I push her away having pulled the REAL keys out of the back pockets of her leotard. “Thank you!” “What? How did you…” “I’ve been walking behind you through the f**king desert for the past four miles… and you’re wearing a leotard. I also know that your cash & ID are placed against your left thigh but I wasn’t going to go after that too since I also noticed what appeared to be a frayed string. That time of the month?” “How…? DAMN IT!!!” “Look, it happens. Now, just let me know now. The offer still stands if you want to head out of here with me… or you can do this by yourself & I’ll wish you the best of luck.” I never found out her decision since that was about the time my alarm went off. Yeah… that’s right, I had among the world’s most unsexy dreams involving Britney, a black leotard, leashes, a motel & gunplay ever. What does it all mean? Don’t know… don’t care… just thought I’d share.

 

Anyway, that's it for this entry I guess... next time there'll of course be homebrewing updates & other FUNTASTIC activities as always. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Make It Happen, Hollywood!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

This last week, Izzy & I watched “Manhunter” starring William Peterson (“CSI”), Brian Cox & Joan Allen among others. For those who aren’t familiar with this movie… it’s from 1986 and was basically the first “Hannibal Lechter” movie. Basically, this movie directed by Michael Mann (“Heat” & “Collateral”) came out… and basically bombed at the box office despite decent reviews. Then it wasn’t until 1991 when Joe Dante’s “Silence of the Lambs” came out & awards followed that Anthony Hopkin’s character Hannibal Lechter became a household name. Then, ten years later, Ridley Scott directed “Hannibal” which was basically the sequel… and then the next year Brett Ratner directed “Red Dragon” which is basically an almost word-for-word reboot of this movie “Manhunter.” Does everybody got that? Good… okay, so in this original telling… an FBI Specialist (Peterson) is called “out of retirement” to help find a serial killer known as “The Tooth Fairy” who is kidnapping & killing women seemingly at random. The killer is incredibly meticulous though… so in order to do find him… the specialist must ask a brilliant & legendary criminal that he put away for assistance… that man of course is Dr. Hannibal Lechter (Cox). From there, the search goes on… now, I’ve seen all four of these movies based on Thomas Harris’ characters… and I REALLY liked this movie. Especially given that it was in the mid-80’s before hard-hitting, suspenseful & intelligent cop dramas weren’t really all the rage (more blast & shoot-up kind of cop flicks) this movie really did a great job. Sure the lead character seemed a little… too lacking in emotion at times… but when it seems more to emphasize when he does show emotion. By the way, Brian Cox as Lechter… though only for like three scenes the whole movie… kinda remarkable. I just love Brian Cox in movies. Period. He’s really good… but will probably never win anything except a paycheck. Now, the movie is not without its flaws (like most movies involving blind people unfortunately) but overall, it’s a great, gritty little flick that if you enjoyed the three newer Hannibal movies, I’d definitely recommend that you check this out. You’ll see that despite the dialogue being almost word-for-word with “Red Dragon” at some spots… it’s a different interpretation. Check it out.

 

Another reboot from the 80’s is the new “Robocop” movie starring Gary Oldman & Samuel L. Jackson. Now… as you know… I’m a HUGE fan of the original Robocop (and to a lesser extent the ridiculous sequels) and director Paul Verhoeven in general. When I heard that they were doing a reboot… I was instantly excited… and then reality set in that it could very well suck. As the little tidbits like the costume design came out… that feeling only got worse. Gary Oldman’s going to be in it? Cool! Samuel L. Jackson? Michael Keaton? F**king BATMAN is going to be in this? ALRIGHT!!! Who the f**k is Joel Kinnaman? Answer: Still pending. Director is Jose Padilha? Never heard of him… what has he done? Oh he’s Brazilian… sigh… okay. Maybe he’s one of these Alfonso Cuaron or Guillermo del Toro guys who knows what he’s doing… I’m optimistic. Who’s playing Robocop’s partner Officer Lewis? Michael K. Williams? That’s a funny name for a chick. Anyway, that was before the movie was released… and then it came out… and then it went away… and then nobody ever spoke of it again. Not a good sign. Okay, now for the movie, it’s set like 10-15 years in the future I think… and basically robotic drones are policing areas in the Middle East… and there’s both a push & a pull to doing the same in the United States… replacing police officers with drones. However, the concerned half feel that drones lack the human emotion & decency required to be a police force (having never met most of those a-holes first-hand I assume). So to find a solution, the creator of the drones (Keaton) works with a renowned physician (Oldman) to create a hybrid cyborg. As luck would have it, a young policeman (Kinnaman) is recently blown the f**k up… so they have a fresh corpse to work with… and viola, you have RoboCop. The original from the 80’s was basically a Jesus-resurrection story ripe with subtle political commentary set to somewhat campy action & one-liners… and this remake was basically a full-fledged piece about using drones overseas. Plain & simple. There were a few lines from the original that carried over (though most were obviously forced in & out of place… and the best one was left out “Bitches leave…”) and the action scenes were kind of cool if not a little on the ridiculous side… I especially liked the training scene with legendary rock track “Hocus Pocus” by Focus playing in the background… but aside from that, the story just really wasn’t that good. The villain was… not very villainy. Red a.k.a. Kurtwood Smith in the original… was a villain. He had presence. I feel like too much was played on the human side of RoboCop and the whole “something else” that was interfering & overriding the controls over RoboCop… which I guess is supposed to be a soul or free will or something… but really it just ended up being a big confusing & unnecessary mess to the story. There were just a LOT of points where I had to stop thinking for the movie… so that the plot could move along… and that was frustrating. Also, I think Sam Jackson showed up for a day or two to yell out a few monologues in front of a green screen the same day he was doing some Capital One commercials… and that was another seven digits in the bank. Good for him… but as the legendary line from The Great Muppet Caper goes “It’s plot exposition. It has to go somewhere.” Anyway, check it out if you want… but I’d rather watch the original for the thousandth time…

 

 

So… a few months ago, I was primed & ready to see two movies on opening day - “The Protector 2” & “The Raid 2”. Both didn’t show here in the entire bay area except I think Raid 2 had one showing during a weekday in San Jose or some ridiculous stuff like that. Regardless, they were still on my Netflix queue… and the first to arrive was “The Raid 2” last week, written & directed by Gareth Evans… and starring a bunch of Indonesian martial artists that you’ve never heard of unless you know the Jakarta movie business pretty damn well. Now, the original “Raid: Redemption” follows an Indonesian cop named Rama with an elite SWAT team as they attempt to take down a drug lord in this heavily fortified 30-story building… and basically the entire movie is a video game with intense fighting & craziness for a little over two hours & there’s really no backstory or plot necessary. Did you see the “Dredd” remake earlier this year? It’s basically that but more exciting & a LOT better for a multitude of reasons. The sequel picks up after the original… sorta. Spoiler alert: They took out the drug lord in the original… but he was small fries… and now the big boys are after him. To protect his family, Rama has to go undercover & infiltrate the criminal underworld himself (don’t ask why?) to bring down the big boys. So that’s that… and the next 2.5 hours is a lot of gritty fight scenes with massive amounts of violence, gunplay, ligament tearing, betrayal, backstabbing, LITERAL backstabbing, facial reconstruction, and basically… they take this “video game” kind of movie out of the building and all over the rest of the city, complete with distinctive boss characters who… frankly probably have a more interesting backstory than any other character in this movie… but they don’t even scratch the surface on them. Probably makes them more menacing… but just an observation. Of course, I enjoyed this movie for the martial arts aspects… and seriously questioned a lot of the plot devices& elements… and I feel like it was at least 30 minutes too long… but hey, if you liked the first one, check out the second one. For a martial arts movie, it’s pretty good & interesting… but obviously if it’s not your thing then you’re probably not going to care for it. I heart Martial Arts movies.

 

How much do I heart them? I watched the directorial debut of Keanu Reeves “Man of Tai Chi” last week as well. That’s right. He directs now too. You know… it’s weird to think that Keanu’s career has gone from the laughable buffoon of “Babes in Toyland” & Ted “Theodore” Logan… to ridiculously quotable action star in “Point Break” & “Speed”… and then has made a career in being absolutely expressionless in ridiculously crazy circumstances for the past 20 years in movies like the “Matrix” trilogy, “Constantine”, “The Day The Earth Stood Still” remake and even really in “Sweet November”, “The Lake House” & “Hard Ball” if you wanna get technical. “Devil’s Advocate” was… sigh… and I even really liked “The Replacements” but… yeah, typically about the most acting you’ll really get out of him was when the three vampire chicks are sucking him dry in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” as he’s trying to scream at Gary Oldman’s hair before passing out / blood cumming. You all know the scene, don’t lie. Anyway, now he’s directing… and even plays the villain role in this movie about underground fighting rings… but it’s the usual Keanu performance of the past two decades. Cold. Emotionless. That intense look on his face… like he’s a robot trying to compute emotion. Seriously, if it came out next week that Keanu Reeves decided to retire in 1997 and since then the studios have been using a fairly advanced robot in his place, would anybody really be THAT surprised? It’d be like finding out Rihanna was a robot… or Drake likes LeBron… like… more than a friend. Anyway, back to this movie, Keanu is not the focus, it’s this guy named Tiger who has mastered the martial art of Tai Chi (wait, what?) and wants to unleash his power upon the world in the ring… but his master says it’s not a good idea. Well, evil mastermind Keanu steps in, forecloses on the temple, and now Tiger has to make some money, Keanu offers him money to fight in his worldwide semi-illegal online pay-per-view gambling conglomerate tournament or something… and Tiger is good… but he fears that there are ulterior motives… and his life may be in danger. If you like martial arts movies & making fun of Keanu, check it out. Otherwise, you’re not going to like it. It’s not particularly well crafted or anything.

 

In this Hollywood realm of reboots, prequels, sequels twenty years late, blatant rip-offs & such… I thought I’d share a few that I’d like to see in the near future…

 

Reboots/Prequels/Sequels that Need to Happen

 

·     Ghostbusters III – This may drop into the sequels 20 years late thing like “Dumb & Dumber To” and with the passing of Harold Ramis, there’s a real odd twist to it all but… then again, in walks Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the son of Egon (or maybe Louis & Janine… with a twist that they used Egon’s sperm?) and a few others with tutelage from the original cast… and boom, you’ve got a good start to a movie. “The script is tricky… and timing for all the actors… and blah blah blah…” please, you mean to tell me if there was a lot of money on the table it couldn’t happen? What has Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson, Rick Moranis… or even Annie Potts or Peter MacNicol really been up to the past few years? Of all those Bill Murray has been the busiest and… aside from a few Wes Anderson movies, the greatest cameo in history in “Zombieland”, “Monuments Men” and whatever “Passion Play” was… he’s probably got some free time if only for a small role. It can happen… and it should happen. Make it happen, Hollywood!

 

·     Escape From Cleveland – John Carpenter’s classic “Escape from New York” and even the sequel set in L.A. (a few years late?) were all well & good… but both movies referenced events that happened years earlier in Cleveland… and that’s basically the best way to start a Snake Pliskin reboot. Kurt Russell is not necessarily needed (though he has to be involved, right?) but you get a young Snake in there… boom, you have a new badass franchise you can then lead on to New York, L.A., Vegas, Paris, Mars, wherever. You’re welcome!!!

 

·     Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future – If you don’t know about this show (or the comics it’s based), then find out about it and you’ll join me. Okay, so 30 years ago, there was this obscure Canadian TV show that $teve fell in love with… and was immediately followed by his favorite game show at the time, Animal Crack-Ups. It’s a show set in the future… an evil overlord named Lord Dread (“I AM THE LAW!”), no not that one… but… hmm… Stallone could play the part… anyway, he controls everybody with a robot army… and there’s a human resistance led by Captain Jonathan Power and a collection of others with “super suits” that always seem to not work properly at the most inopportune times. 22 episodes of amazingness… and ends on a cliffhanger… and then never heard from again. The effects were state-of-the-art CGI by 1987 standards (so not really that good & they repeated a LOT) but overall, decent show… and can easily be rebooted nowadays since better graphics can be done on your average smartphone.

 

·     Masters of the Universe – From the same director as Captain Power, this little nugget of 80’s is the movie version of the He-Man cartoons… and it was okay. I rewatched it recently… and it still holds up as kitschy… but since the Conan reboot didn’t really work out as well, maybe we could get one of the Hemsworths in here as Dolph Lundgren 2.0 to play He-Man. Skeletor will be played by… THE ROCK!!! Okay, Dwayne Johnson’s probably busy… but it was played by Frank Langella in the 80’s so it could be played by a hologram & voiced by Vincent Price with today’s technology so we should make this happen. Just leave Gwildor out of this one… and maybe Courtney Cox too…

 

·     Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – I already have the opening few minutes courtesy of a dream…

 

·     The Last Boy Scout – Down-on-his-luck former secret service agent turned private investigator… down-on-his-luck football has-been with a girlfriend’s corpse shaped like early 20’s Halle Berry… criminal conspiracies that seem to go all the way to the top… of the owner’s box. BIG shootout of a finale during Monday Night Football (or whatever it was) that ends in a Irish jig… and then NOTHING??? I don’t know about you… but I’d kinda like to see Bruce Willis & Damon Wayans team up again for another bout of badassery & one-liners.

 

·     Serenity – Everybody’s not going to be young & amazing forever… since nobody is apparently going to commit to an entire TV series… you can at least have a few kick-ass movies following the adventures of the “Firefly” crew (by the way, not a rip-off of Outlaw Star at all) on fantastic voyages across the galaxies. Sure, Joss is out being Joss with Marvel right now but… it can still happen & I think it should. You can only watch the episodes & one movie so many times before you start watching the actors in other shows & thinking “When is Inara going to tell her terrorist husband that she’s been cheating on him with Mal?” or “When is Mal going to tell that detective chick about Inara?” or “Why the f**k can’t I see Kaylee in anything ever?”

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. I’m sure I’ve bored you enough… have a great day everybody!!! MAKE THIS HAPPEN, HOLLYWOOD!!!

Zoo, Sutro & MACHETE

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Thursday night, Dizzy & I went to a special screening of “Machete Kills” starring Danny Trejo, Sofia Vergara, Alexa Vega, Mel Gibson, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, and introducing Carlos Estevez (Charlie Sheen). For those who haven’t seen the original… or fake trailer in “Grindhouse” that started it all… basically Machete (Trejo) is a legendary Mexican federale who in the original, was thrown out of Mexico after the cartels killed his family & he stumbled into an assassination on a senator turned into a setup… and long story short, he’s now a leader of an underground revolution along the U.S.-Mexico border. In this sequel, now a mysterious group has killed the woman he loves (Alba) and he’s on a vengeful quest… while also hired by the President himself (Estevez) top go into the heart of Mexico and kill another revolutionary with a split personality… and a few nukes… but things are not what they seem… and Machete has to cut his way back to America & through a few thousand bad guys to get the truth… and exact revenge… but will it be even too much for Machete to bear? Spoiler alert: There’s a preview for the 3^rd chapter in the trilogy before the movie even starts. Still, the movie is GREAT fun if you’re into those super-cheesy action movies from the 80’s, there’s a lot of eye candy, decapitation, one-liners, and just a great time. It’s basically up there with “Gravity” as my favorite movie of the year so far… but for obviously completely different reasons.

 

Also, after the movie, Machete himself Danny Trejo came out & had a little Q&A session with us… and I got to ask him a questions. “Given your past (check Wikipedia), how does it fell to be a leading man in Hollywood?” Technically it’s true… even though I had to explain to my coworkers who he was repeatedly when they asked me who he was & what he has been in. His response: “I’m just waiting for somebody to pinch me, it’s a dream, man!” Basically he seems like a cool dude who grew up in the gangs of LA back in the 70’s but then turned his life around in late 80’s and has been going good ever since.

 

 

Saturday night, Dizzy had homework to do, so while she was doing that we watched a few documentaries. First was “Through the Exit Door” which comes from a director named Banksy, whose a pretty infamous graffiti / street artist all over the globe. The movie starts out with an eccentric French shopkeeper in LA named Thierry Guetta, who basically videotapes everything around him… and has for many years. Well, he finds himself intrigued by street artists like Shepard Fairey & seeks them out to film them & document their art’s creation from conception to execution in the night like a kind of art ninja or international cat burglar… but leaving behind street art instead of stealing jewels. Then the world is introduced to the art of the ever-mysterious Banksy (tagged the West Bank Wall, etc) and Thierry seeks him out. Banksy admires his passion & lets him into his world… but then discovers that Thierry is… a little out there… when he makes this 90-minute flash-fest of his footage… so Banksy offers to help him out with his ROOMS OF FILM & suggests that Thierry go out & make some of his own art. What follows is… pretty f**king hilarious. The documentary in general is very interesting & I enjoyed it immensely… and watching it with an artist looking to make money in the field… and myself being a bit of a cynic of the whole art community… made it all the more enjoyable to see eccentric people doing crazy sh*t. Very intriguing movie though. I highly recommend it.

 

Next up was “Room 237” which is a 2012 documentary about some of the fanatics & their wide-ranging and interesting interpretations of the Stanley Kubrick film “The Shining”. Now, I’ve seen “The Shining” twice in my life… and it’s a very intriguing, unsettling horror film based on the novel by Stephen King (even though the movie is definitely Kubrick’s take on it in many ways). I enjoy it… and it’s quite iconic. The theories & ideas presented in the movie range from the interesting & philosophical… to some things that may just be some unlikely editing errors… but they’re all rooted in the basis of those interviewed seeing Stanley Kubrick as an extremely intelligent man & gifted director… and depending on the person interviewed, either they felt that Stanley was bored while making this movie & just wanted to mess with people… or he was implying that he was the director that filmed & orchestrated the moon landing in 1969. In either case, this movie is also an interesting look into the minds of various people who may or may not be eccentric, like “Exit Through the Gift Shop” but I definitely wouldn’t watch it if you haven’t already seen “The Shining” once or twice. Otherwise it’d just be pointless… but there are some interesting topic points that you can kind of judge for yourself. Again, I’m a little cynical… but I do believe that Stanley Kubrick was a genius director & a master of unsettling an audience to get them immersed into his films… and it seems to have works on these interviewees to the Nth degree.

 

Sunday morning, we headed out to the San Francisco Zoo to see the animals. Dizzy hadn’t been since she was a young’un & I hadn’t been in over a year since the kiddies came to visit last year… so it was going to be fun. Here are the pictures…

 

STOP!!! Hammer-kop...

Is it racist?

Now you know where to find them... South America...

Next stop was the abandoned Sutro Baths of Ocean Beach. The Baths were the world’s largest indoor swimming pool complex when built towards the end of the 19^th century… but burned down in 1966 and was abandoned afterwards. Today, the ruins are located near the legendary Cliff House restaurant but can be examined firsthand… but be careful, there’s a lot of steep paths and… the water is pretty nasty if you were to fall in. However, since it was a beautiful sunny day, it was pretty amazing to think that 50 years ago this was a pretty prestigious water complex. Enjoy!!!

 

Ooooh... a cave adventure...

Back in its heyday...

After the Baths, we went to a private tour of Speakeasy Ales & Lagers in the “Dog Patch” area of town. The guide Tyler gave us a wonderful quick 20-minute glimpse around the facilities… and of course, we picked his brains a little bit about the process. Their size is still fairly small, just a few thousand barrels per year… but they specialize in lagers (cold fermented) and have, in my opinion, a pretty solid “noir” look to their labels, marketing, and just the overall appeal with the Prohibition/Speakeasy theme… and most importantly, the beer is pretty darn good. We sampled a few & relaxed in their lounge area, which was fairly small, but intimate & great for the space allowed and designed appropriately. I recommend checking it out if you get the chance.

 

This is what blow-off looks like on a larger scale...

Dream – So, I had a little bit of a crazy dream that I though I’d share with you. I was unloading a bunch of boxes into a one-bedroom apartment, pretty standard, nothing to special about it, living area was the whole kitchen/living room all together with a small corner bathroom & a back door leading to the bedroom. I’m just about finished unloading all of the boxes& moving the furniture in… when a lady in a blazer walks up with a young couple and a sleeping baby in a stroller. They look in the door and the realtor lady says, “Excuse me, what are you doing?” “I’m… moving in…”

 

“This family is moving in. Did you register with the leasing office?” Of course since it was a dream & I had no memory of doing this… I immediately felt into a feeling of “Oh God, I don’t believe I did… then why the hell would I be moving all of my stuff? I hate moving… why would I do it willy nilly? Oh f**k me, I’m going to have to move again… and these guys are going to have to wait for me because it’s dark outside and… oh crap…” Anyway, the realtor lady ran off… and I was there with the young couple and the baby was just sleeping away. “Sorry for the confusion, I ugh… I’m not sure what’s going on but I thought that this was my new apartment.” I talked to the guy & got to know them a little bit while the mom took her baby into the bedroom to set her down.

 

Long story short, they didn’t have a whole lot of furniture, basically just the bed, the stroller & a crib… so they said it was no issue really if I had to crash there for the night. Then I noticed that there were bunk beds that I guess came with the apartment, so I asked “Hey, it may actually take a few days for me to find an apartment if everything’s out of whack… what if I helped out with rent for this month & we can share the furniture, y’all can use my pots & pans & stuff… and I’ll just crash on this bunk bed out here since I guess you three won’t be sleeping on it. I’m usually working all day anyway & when I’m not, I’ll be looking for a place. Would that be cool?” “Sure, I don’t see why not…” and that was about the time the dream ended with… my alarm going off for an early day at work.

 

Anyway, that should do it for today. Big day coming up this weekend with our first batch of homebrewed Irish Ale ready for tasting… as well as volunteering with Meals on Wheels & a Pokémon Tournament! Wish us luck! Have a great day everybody!!!