Still Just a Rad-a-Nic Cage

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Nicolas Cage is an American treasure. Let’s be honest. He’s an Academy Award winning actor (“Leaving Las Vegas”) and has had iconic roles & legendary freak-outs. His movies have been colossal blockbusters and incredible flops… and his acting has ran the gamut of award-winning to a meme maker’s wet dream. However, can you recall the last big, good movie that he has starred in? “Kick Ass”? “Sorceror’s Apprectice” maybe? Those were five years ago… and he’s been in a LOT of movies since then. We’ve already reviewed a few of them (“Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance”, “Drive Angry”, “Outcast”, “The Frozen Ground”) but there are a LOT more… and you’ve probably never even heard of them. So thanks to Netflix… here are a few movies from Nicolas Cage’s last five years that you might have missed…

 

First up was his latest movie, “The Runner” starring himself, Sarah Paulson, Connie Nielsen & Peter Fonda from director/writer Austin Stark’s feature length directorial debut. The story is about a Louisiana politician (Cage) who is ferociously fighting for his constituents in the aftermath of the 2010 BP Oil Spill… and just when he’s getting traction… get involved in a sex scandal because he’s been banging a fisherman’s wife while his trophy wife is the hot sister from “Devil’s Advocate” (Nielsen). Well, on the advice of his advisors (including Paulson) & his father who was a somewhat disgraced mayor of NOLA (Fonda), he decides to resign from his post… wait it out… and then start fighting BP again… and then has a relationship with his advisor (whose still married) and… okay, it’s a movie about politics and how it’s all kind of screwed up… and it’s called the runner because he runs every morning… and he’s running for office… and he’s running from himself & his own stupid decisions I guess… but it’s an okay movie. It’s really tough to root for the guy when he keeps making HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE decisions constantly throughout… but you’ll notice that’s a trend in a LOT of Nicolas Cage’s recent movie roles (and personal life). If you like political non-thrillers & wanna see some New Orleans, check this movie out… if not, pass.

 

Now, if you want a more exciting New Orleans-based Cage movie, then check out 2011’s “Seeking Justice” starring Sir Nicolas, January Jones & Guy Pearce from director Roger Donaldson (“The Recruit”, “World’s Fastest Indian”, “Species”, “Cocktail”, so he’s got some range).This movie is about a high school English teacher named Will (Cage) whose wife (Jones) is violently assaulted… and while he’s in the waiting room, he’s approached by a man named Simon (Pearce) who says that he sympathizes for his situation… and the city has gone to sh*t… and the Justice System is flawed… but he knows who attacked his wife… and if Will would like… then Simon & his group of fellow-minded vigilantes can exact VENGEANCE and make it look like a suicide. The cost? Sometime down the road, they will ask him to do a favor for them. That’s all. What happens after that… is a bit of a twisted tale of corruption, lies, counter-lies, VENGEANCE and more. I really enjoyed the movie… even though there were a few decisions made along the way that didn’t make a whole lot of sense… but I’m surprised that I didn’t hear much about this movie. The performances are good. It’s set in New Orleans. It’s a Vigilante Vengeance movie. Yeah, check it out!

 

Next up was a bit of a throwback with 2005’s “The Weather Man” because it was on Netflix… and Izzy & I hadn’t seen it. This was the movie that Gore Verbinski directed between “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies… and is about a Chicago weatherman (Cage) who wants to be the weatherman on “Hello America” in New York with Bryant Gumbel. His father (Michael Caine) was a Pulitzer Award-winning author… but he’s dying of lymphoma. His wife… is divorced & marrying another guy. His kids… pretty much don’t want anything to do with him. People throw food at him in the street because… people are dicks. The movie is about whether he can get his life together… and basically he’s a bit of a selfish prick… but also doesn’t use his words well (odd for a weatherman) and ends up just screwing things up along the way. Now… it’s an okay movie despite my horrible summary… but it’s also kind of boring at times, not going to lie. There’s a lot of things about choosing between your career & your family… maximizing your short, short life… all that stuff… but you may want to follow it up with an action movie. Check it out!

 

 

Okay, back to the last five years… and remember when I mentioned ‘incredible flops’ earlier? Well, “Trespass” was #1 on my list. This movie stars Sir Cage, Nicole Kidman, and is directed by legendary filmmaker Joel Schumacher (mostly legendarily bad for “Batman & Robin” but he also directed “Phantom of the Opera”, “The Client”, “A Time to Kill”, “The Lost Boys” and others). The budget was $35 million. Any guesses what the total box office for this movie was? No, seriously, guess. About a million? Lower. About half a million? LOWER!!! Fifty grand? LOWER!!! Total box office was $24,094 and it broke the record for theatre-to-home-video speed by going from nationwide release to DVD in only 18 days. “From Justin to Kelly” took 29 days. That being said… I actually liked this movie. The story is about a diamond dealer (Cage) and his family (wife Kidman) are in their home when it’s attacked by robbers… who want to get the diamonds in the vault… but then betrayal rears its ugly head. I don’t want to spoil anything, so I’ll just stop it there. Yes, some of the acting is… annoying. Overall though, it wasn’t a bad way to spend 90 minutes. You could kind of see what was going to happen… but the way it unraveled was pretty interesting. Check it out!

 

Next up was one called “Pay the Ghost” starring Sir Nicolas and the mom from “Walking Dead” as the parents of a young son who… well, they lose at a Halloween carnival (no, his name isn’t Carl). After a year without any leads… the couple has divorced… and Halloween approaches again… and some things start to suggest that their son may not have been abducted by a pedophile at a public place… but some ancient evil ghost. Yeah… the premise is… shaky. It’s not a horrible movie though. Not a great movie either. Not even really that memorable to be honest. It’s… very blah. Fun fact though: the kid in the movie is the kid who’s the star of the Academy-Award nominated movie “Room” and he does a pretty good job. Cage does well too. The mom not so much… she kind of just has the creepy waif neck muscles that are mildly disturbing… but yeah, check it out. It’s free. Why not?

  

We also watched “Rage” starring Sir Nicolas, Rachel Nichols as his completely age-appropriate wife & Peter Stormare. Cage plays a reformed criminal / construction foreman… and his daughter is kidnapped… and killed. So now he rounds up some of his old buddies for some good old fashioned VENGEANCE and finding out who killed his daughter… and maybe why… he has plenty of reasonable reasons from his past indiscretions though. This movie… was probably my favorite of all the ones reviewed this entry. I mean… it’s Vengeance… it’s twists & turns… it’s gritty… and honestly, I think the best performance in this whole movie is from the head of the Russian Mafia (No, NOT Peter Stormare, he’s Irish in this movie) played by Pasha Lynchnikoff. He really does a great job for such a small part… and I REALLY liked the ending. Crazy stuff… check this movie out!

 

Last up was a little movie called “Stolen” starring Nic, Malin Akerman, M.C. Gainey & Josh Lucas… and directed by Simon West, probably best known for the modern classic “Con Air”. This movie is about a bank robbing foursome who get pinched by a New Orleans detective (Danny Huston) during their big $10 million heist… well, just Nicolas Cage does, but he’s not found with the money… so he serves an 8 year stint in jail. When he’s released… he’s under constant surveillance since the police think he still has the money… as does his old crew… in fact, one of them kidnaps his now teenage daughter and holds her ransom in exchange for the money. One problem though… he burned it to get a reduced sentence when they found him. He’s got 12 hours to get $10 million dollars… or his daughter’s dead. What do you do? Well… I think Nicolas Cage has really made it a point to have every movie over the past few years be in New Orleans, which I’m all about… even if it’s probably because of house arrest and/or probation. That being said… I’d say check this movie out. There are a few questions that will come up… but overall, not a bad little flick. It’s pretty much what you expect.

 

Oh, there are a few more movies like “Joe” and “Left Behind” that… well, really I’ll probably get to another time… but Christ Almighty, that’s SEVEN Cage Movies in a week… my penis can only get so erect. Until I’m in my refractory period… have a great weekend everybody!!!

Kreed: Jenesiz

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Over the weekend, Izzy & I watched a summer blockbuster that got some scathing reviews… and that’s the fifth movie in one of the most iconic movie franchises in history, “Terminator: Genisys” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Emilia Clarke, Jason Clarke (no relation in real life… but apparently mother-son in this movie) & Jai Courtney (homeless man’s Channing Tatum). Okay, so I’m going to assume that you’re all up to date with at least the first two Terminator movies… and the whole Judgment Day in 1997… Skynet being a computer system that essentially becomes self-aware and starts eliminating humans… and there’s this whole humans vs. robots war that rages on for a generation-plus… and then Skynet builds a time machine to send a robot (Arnie) to go back to 1985 to kill the mother (E. Clarke) of the human rebellion leader (J. Clarke) and avoid this whole war thing… but then the humans find out about it, assault the facility and then the humans send back a soldier named Kyle Reese (Courtney) to protect the mother. I’m also going to kindly remind you to forget many, many other plot points from previous movies in order to push this movie’s logic forward. Trust me, it’s just easier. So in this movie, it’s essentially a reboot of the first movie with sending Kyle back in time to protect the mother Sarah Connor… but apparently this has already been done a few times so by the time he goes back to 1985 there’s a reprogrammed Arnie robot sent back to protect her… and apparently a T-1000 liquid metal version from Terminator 2 sent back… and a whole lot of other sh*t going down… hell, even the leader of the future resistance John Connor gets sent back… but as long as you don’t think about it too hard, it can make sense. Okay… here’s a quick breakdown… and I want to start off with I actually recommend checking this movie out… but I’ll be brief.

 

The Good: The action is pretty good and the visual effects are decent… there’s plenty of throwbacks (or direct ripoffs) of past movies, and the essentially frame for frame remake of the original movie’s first 15 minutes or so is particularly entertaining to me as I’ve seen that movie literally thousands of times, so that was a treat. J.K. Simmons shows up too… and that’s a treat. Aside from Jai Courtney, the acting was even pretty good… though I kept expecting Kyle Reese to be revealed to be the robot as he had reactions similar to Arnie’s character. This is an action movie… so with good action gets good reaction from me.

 

The Bad: First & foremost, the previews for this movie REALLY f**ked them over!!! First, there was the preview that showed Arnie jumping out of a helicopter to kamikaze dive bomb another helicopter to completion… or in other words, THE CLIMAX OF THE F**KING MOVIE!!! Secondly… in the other previews… sigh… I don’t even want to say it as some people might really enjoy this twist & haven’t seen the preview. If so… please move along to the next paragraph… heck, maybe to the next movie where you see an ancient Sylvester Stallone & the other Michael Jordan (with a B.) Okay… so in the other previews, including those aired during the f**king Super Bowl months earlier… they reveal that the John Connor sent back in time… is actually a robot… and sent back to kill Sarah Connor and everybody else. Now, would this had been a better movie if that MAJOR TWIST wasn’t given away months before people even saw the movie? I’d like to think so… but alas, somebody in marketing really f**ked up this movie for most moviegoers before it even came out to the public. Would it have put this movie on the money-making level of “Furious 7” or “Jurassic World”? Probably not… In fact, I’d say I’m about 90% sure it wouldn’t have made much difference.

 

Overall: Unfortunately I think people were kinda f**ked out of the Terminator franchise a while back… but I still think that this movie was not nearly as bad as everybody made it out to be. You’ll probably find that most of the people talking sh*t on it… actually haven’t even seen it. They heard it was bad from the critics and/or other people who hadn’t seen it. This is one of those movies that scores like 22% on Rotten Tomatoes with the critics… but around 60% with people that watched the movie. Not great… not horrible… just kind of in the middle. However, I’m a fan of the series… so I enjoyed it… except Jai Courtney… and with him & the recent announcement that “Suicide Squad” is going to be PG-13 I’m looking less & less forward to it… but you know I’m still going to check it out.

  

Now for a special treat!!! Monday night, Izzy & I were invited to a special preview screening of another long-awaited (by some?) continuation of an iconic movie franchise… the Rocky Balboa franchise… and this movie is called “CREED” starring Michael B. Jordan and Sylvester Stallone… and this movie was NOT written and/or directed by Stallone… but rather by Ryan Coogler who did “Fruitvale Station” last year and was even on hand to introduce the movie at the theatre. Now… again, I’m going to basically assume that you’ve seen the other SIX Rocky movies as well… and really knowing anything past halfway through Rocky IV is really just going to be little snippets & one-off jokes in this movie… but I’m going to assume that you know all about the story of Rocky Balboa… who was a semipro boxer in 1976 who through a fluke incident involving a training injury, got the once in a lifetime to chance to square off against the reigning heavyweight champion Apollo Creed… and he trains hard with a former boxer named Mick and spoiler alert… goes the distance with the champ. That movie won Academy Awards… and then there was the sequel rematch with Apollo (Rocky II)… and then in the 3^rd installment, Rocky’s trainer Mick (Burgess Meredith) dies during a match with a younger, hungrier opponent named Clubber Lang (Mr. T, and there’s an entire post about his character from years ago)… and now-retired Apollo Creed steps in as his trainer to help him win & regain his eye of the tiger. Then in the 4^th installment, Creed comes out of retirement to fight a new Russian champion named Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) but is killed in the ring after Rocky doesn’t throw in the towel (by Apollo’s request but drama…) and then Rocky has to come out of retirement to blah blah blah… but you already know all of this… I don’t even know why I mention it.

 

Well, this movie is centered around what happened shortly before Apollo Creed’s fatal last fight. Apparently he had a son… with a woman who was not his wife (Phylicia Rashad). Well, this encounter gave birth to a young man named Adonis Johnson (Michael B. Jordan) who bounces around group homes after his mother’s death… but then is adopted by Apollo Creed’s wife Marianne when he’s about ten & rowdy… but then raised in the lap of luxury. Fast forward a few years… Adonis is boxing in Tijuana. WHY? Because he has the itch… he’s a fighter… and he doesn’t have a constructive way of utilizing that itch apparently. Well, this leads to drama with his mom who obviously doesn’t want him to fight… especially after he quit his newly promoted job at a financial firm (WHAT???) to essentially leave the mansion he was raised in… and go to Philadelphia to train to be a boxer. Why Philadelphia? Why not? Anyway, all these poor decisions aside, Adonis runs into (stalks) the former champion Rocky Balboa (Stallone) and through hard work & guilt convinces Rocky to help train him… throw in a love story with a neighbor girl (Tessa Thompson) and the story basically writes itself from there. Now, my telling of the story is pretty basic & sarcastic… but you get all of this from the trailer… and it’s the story of a man who has a lot of rage and needs a place to direct it… and it just so happens to tie into the Rocky cinematic universe. That being said…

 

I REALLY liked this movie! If you enjoy boxing movies (probably have to do a Movie List for these soon) then you’re probably going to also REALLY like and/or LOVE this movie. The story is basic… but the acting is pretty fantastic, the cinematography is beautiful, and there are these continuous shot fighting scenes that are some of the greatest that you will ever see. Seriously, there’s one in particular that’s a two-round prize fight… that’s a continuous shot… with dialogue and all the action of a boxing match to make it feel like you’re the referee standing in the ring with them & eavesdropping in the corners. It’s very impressive. Though there are some sapping subplots… they’re not done in the usual sappy way. There’s drama… that some might say is completely unnecessary… but you’ll say that about life as well. Life is drama some of the time… but it pushes the plot forward and has some meaning to it… so yeah, go check this movie out. Also… write this down…

 

Michael B. Jordan… is going to be the next Will Smith. He’ll basically be offered ever major role for a young African-American actor and they’ll be his to turn away. He’s got the skills, he’s got the charisma, soon he’ll have the paparazzi all over his ass… but he’ll also have the big paychecks. I know that his star has slipped a bit with the forced entry in superhero films that was “Fantastic 4” (don’t want to judge too harsh since I haven’t seen it yet but seriously, nobody asked for this movie, right?) but overall… I think he’s going to be huge. I was right about Megan Fox (to a point) and I’ve learned as a young child… to never doubt somebody named Michael Jordan.

 

So is this going to be the start of a new Rocky/Creed Trilogy? Well… I’ve had some thoughts about sequel of course… so here are some of my ideas for further movies in the Balboa Cinematic Universe… and I’m gonna warn you, some small spoiler alerts from the first Creed:

 

Creed vs. Lang – In this first Creed sequel, Adonis is moving up the ranks… and the champion that he faced in the first movie to the final bell (“Pretty” Ricky Conlan) is currently serving time for a weapons charge (seriously, it’s in the movie) and they have a series of fights to determine who will take over the championship belt during his sentence. I’m guessing probably a Final Four scenario involving the newcomer who pushed Conlan to the limit, Adonis… some iron-fisted Ukrainian stereotype (NOT Drago, this is lightweight) that he has to go against in the first match… and then he moves on to the winner of Token Black vs. Gunner Lang, one of the many out-of-wedlock children out of Detroit from mysteriously reclusive former champion Clubber Lang (Rocky III) and of course… Gunner is a sh*t talkin’ mastermind of the boxing game… I’m thinking somebody like Brandon Jackson or O’Shea Jackson if they bulked up… or Chadwick Boseman if he wanted to break out of being typecast as legendary sports/music figures in the mid-20^th century and wants to be the 2^nd coming of Mr. T. Anyway, we skip ahead to him KILLING (or crippling) challenger Token Black in the first match… and then it’s leading up to the showdown between Creed & Lang… and Gunner talks about how he’s going to kill him in the ring, take his woman & eat his child as the promotional press conference… wiping the seed of Creed from off the face of the Earth. Yup… Iron Mike ain’t got sh*t on Gunner Lang.

 

Oh yeah, for personal drama, he finds rich life comfortable now that he’s getting endorsement money ON TOP OF ALREADY BEING RICH FROM APOLLO’S CAREER so he gets a little soft… his girlfriend (not wife) is preggers with a child… Rocky is not doing well at all after the chemo, but he’s still around… until he passes on while training for the big match… but not before giving a few big speeches about family, fire in your belly, tiger’s blood in your veins & their eyes in your ocular sockets, all that stuff… and then the Final Match… well, I don’t want to spoil it…

 

Creed vs. Creed – So after Lang cripples Adonis in the final match, punches his woman in the stomach forcing a miscarriage & then bedding her like nobody’s business… No seriously, that’s what happens in my movie! Gunner Lang goes on to have a wonderful boxing career unlike his father and the title Creed vs. Creed is symbolic of Adonis’ long journey back to eating solid foods, communicating with apparatus and perhaps walking again. This is Oscar winning sh*t right here! What? Do you want him to win the final match against Lang, is the undisputed lightweight champion of the world, but then there’s YET ANOTHER BASTARD CREED CHILD who is only a few months older than Adonis… but raised in England (played by David Oyelowo BTW), is good friends with the still-incarcerated Ricky Conlan, but also has his promoter from the first movie… and his trainer is none other than the legendary Luther Mandela (played by Idris Elba). Essentially it’s what everybody really wants in a boxing match… Klitschko vs. Klitschko… except they’re both in their prime… and they’re actually very similar genetically… though one “started from the bottom now we here!” while the other… no, they’re both going to have the EXACT SAME backstory. Yeah, Apollo knocked up a woman in Liverpool or some sketchy off-shoot of London’s underground… he was raised in the system but was educated in school, eventually becoming a Rhodes Scholar AND athlete… but there was always this itch that only bashing a man’s skull could scratch… and so he started boxing… and then when Adonis made it big, he started looking into his own lineage… pictures of Apollo & his mama at Studio 54 or the English equivalent… boom, we have essentially the same vs. same… except Samson Creed (did I mention that’s his name & he was going to have dreadlocks a la Lennox Lewis? Cuz he is & that was pretty f**king important!) is actually taller, stronger & more adept to the sweet science… apparently his mom was an athlete too… and hell, they can’t say something like “My mama wouldn’t allow us to fight” like the Klitschkos because… for one, different mamas… for two…

 

Personal drama this movie – Marianne Creed passes away… Rocky Balboa passes away… Adonis’ dog Mercury passes away… his now wife is still around, but she makes a lot of trips out to Detroit on business in an effort to resurrect Motown Records and punctuate her sagging music career… leaving Adonis to train without Rocky’s direct influence… but then there’s a new trainer / promoter to help him out, Nick Naylor (Aaron Eckhart) who’s the champion’s mouthpiece and can inspire whales to walk on land… but does he have a hidden agenda? Can Adonis regain the family that he’s lost? Why is he promoting cigarettes & Colt 45 now? How did Nick Naylor convince him to do it? All this will be revealed and more… and then… the final fight… which leads to…

 

Cult of Clubber – This is the harrowing tale of a fallen boxing superstar Gunner Lang returning to the backwoods of Michigan to join his reclusive father Clubber Lang, who for the past 30+ years left his champion boxing career to start a fundamentalist cult of people who believe that only the strongest humans will survive the End of Days or any scientific apocalypse scenario… so they’ve been breeding generations of Langs with VERY few men and gaggles of women. Gunner tried to leave this life behind for fear that his father would betray him… but in his advanced age, Clubber is realizing that his baby batter isn’t as potent as it used to be… and he must help to teach his son Gunner to take over the group and lead his family into the dark days. This movie looks into religious/cultural beliefs and norms vs. natural selection… and could potentially finally give Mr. T the Academy Award that he so desperately deserves from his long underappreciate career as a thespian… you know what? I’m totally in love with the idea of this movie. I’m starting the script TONIGHT!!! Spoiler alert: Adonis’ wife is part of the Cult of Clubber, that’s why she’s going to Detroit “on business”.

 

Creed vs. Drago – Back on the Adonis Creed tangent… I’m not even going to tell you how Creed vs. Creed ends… but I think this one writes itself… he has to bulk up to go Super Middleweight or something since anything coming out of Ivan Drago’s sack is going to be half bull anyway… and after the dwindling box office return of “Cult of Clubber” and its ultra-controversial material, I think this one is going straight to DVD like “Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift” only to be resurrected by…

 

Creed vs. Predator – Need I say more? Intergalactic boxing… in an environment similar to the Thunderdome! Two being enter, at most one being leaves.

 

Anyway, that’s my thrilling reviews of some major blockbusters that came out six months ago or will be coming out in a week or so… and some great ideas for future movies, Hollywood! You’re welcome! More fun stuff on the way! Have a great day everybody!

Prince of Punishment

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Tuesday night, Izzy & I went to the San Francisco Homebrewers Guild Monthly Meeting at Chez Poulet… previously most meetings had been held at Anchor Brewing but due to our group growing beyond their capacity, we’ve had to start moving around venues… which has its own pros & cons… but let’s focus on the pros, which is creating a different atmosphere & experience with each meeting as well as keeping the main core values in spreading the good word of homebrewing and the cooperative community that the group provides. At this meeting, we also unveiled our new trophy for Homebrew Club of the Year from the California State Fair Homebrew Competition… because we had far & away the most award-winning beers this year!!!

 

 

 

 

 
 

After discussing events coming up in the next few months (more to come in future entries), one of the Guild’s founder Mr. Kevin Inglin gave a great talk about Mash Temperatures and how they’ll effect your beer on a chemical level, including all the various enzymes, malt sugars, and even various strategies for stabilizing & controlling the temperature during the mashing process. It was a great talk from a man who’s been homebrewing for almost twenty years now & will hopefully have his nanobrewery/homebrew shop open soon. Here are some pictures…

 

Also Monday night, Izzy & I had a little bit of a John Carpenter marathon with movies that we hadn’t seen… starting with 1987’s “Prince of Darkness” starring Donald Pleasance and… well… Alice Cooper is in it briefly as “Street Schizo” but that’s really about it. Egg Shen & Wang Chi from “Big Trouble in Little China” are in it but… yeah, not a lot of star power. The story is about a team of researchers who found this giant cylinder that… looks like it contains a green tornado in it… in this old deserted church… and basically in trying to figure it out & open it, they very well may release the Devil / Satan / Prince of Darkness and bring about the end of the world. That’s the one liner about it… but it’s really more like this. A bunch of stupid science nerds who aren’t particularly good at what they do, an old priest & some crazy Asian liberal arts professor meet up at a church where there’s this cylinder holding… what they can only even fathom is either a nuclear core, the worst plague imaginable, or according to their limited research… a 7 million year old harbinger of Death. Oh… and before they even enter the church, a small army of homeless people led by Alice Cooper basically surround them like zombies to keep them in the church. When the researchers take their naps while doing research, they all share the same dream consisting of an 8 mm film snippet complete with a warning that they’re going to unleash some sort of dark angel… yet they still continue. Well, spoiler alert… but something comes out of it… but it’s basically green ooze (the Devil’s semen?) and basically it’s shot into a girl’s mouth… and then she projectile vomits into another girl’s mouth… and then she vomits into another guy’s mouth… all the while, nobody seems to know where anybody is… but it doesn’t mean they’re going to really do anything about it… or they’ll see that one of their people are acting weird like a zombie… or slashing their own throat… or turning into beetles… and still they’ll do absolutely nothing. Seriously, I was getting frustrated during this movie… because nobody… f**king… did… any… thing… ever. It was sooooo f**king slow… and sooooo f**king stupid… and the dialogue was ridiculously bad… and I basically couldn’t stand it. I wanted them all to die. Well, except Wang Chi… but by the end, I was even willing to part with that if it meant an end to the movie. Oh… and the ending… ugh… who f**king cares? I did not care for it… sorry John, not your best by any means. Waste of two hours… and not even in the kitschy kind of way that I love… just f**king boring and stupid… with all due respect.

  

 

Next up was his most recent full scale production “The Ward” starring Amber Heard (Depp? Really?), Lynsey Fonseca and Jared Harris. This movie is about a crazy hot arsonist (Heard) who is sentenced to a psychiatric ward after burning down a house. Now… right away you’ll notice that the ward is a little different because… it’s basically filled with f**king supermodels. No joke. Every single person in this particular ward is an 18-29 year old superhottie… with various mental issues… but not the serious kind… the more like… it’s as if the cast of “Mean Girls” were on the set of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” but they wore… well, most of the time they wore exactly the same things they would’ve if they were in a high school… incredibly form-fitting blouses & jeans… occasionally a gown but… yeah, odd. Anyway, shortly after getting there (like I think this all takes place over the course of a few days?) she starts to realize that girls are being killed off… and then she learns about a killer ghost of a former patient… except the main doctor (Harris) thinks it’s all in her head… so even as girls are being killed off, they seem to do nothing. Why? What are they hiding? Yeah, the movie has a pretty good “Shutter Island” kind of vibe to it once you get past the fact that it’s a psych ward for starlets… and I actually enjoyed it, definitely a lot more than “Prince of Darkness.” As for the ending, you can kind of see it coming… but it’s pretty well done… except that it’s completely unfeasible in all reality. Maybe I’ll have to do a top ten list of those… Movie Endings that are absolutely ridiculous & unfinished though allegedly based in reality. Anyway, maybe down the road… that’ll take a lot of research to get the good ones for you. Not going to spoil this one though… go check it out… help support a decent, independent filmmaker like John Carpenter.

 

Wednesday night, we watched a movie that had somehow slipped through the cracks for me when it first came out, “Punisher: War Zone” starring Ray Stevenson & Dominic West. This is a re-reboot of the famous Marvel comic book “Punisher” which had originally been brought to the screen in the late 80’s with Dolph Lundgren as the star, then in 2004 with Thomas Jane (and John Travolta as the bad guy), and this movie was released in late 2008. For those who don’t know the basic story, Frank Castle is a former cop/war hero who was trying to lead the good life… until his family is brutally murdered (in this version, apparently during a picnic at an Old Navy commercial backdrop) and he then becomes a vigilante who exacts justice for criminals who slip through the cracks in the justice system. No, he’s not Daredevil. He doesn’t have superpowers & he’s not blind… nor is he Batman because although he apparently has a full arsenal at his disposal, he’s not a billionaire who dresses up in a rubber suit… basically he’s Batman if Bruce Wayne just loaded up on bulletproof vests, machine guns, rocket launchers & frag grenades and just decided that instead of putting criminals in Arkham Asylum to be released/escape a month later, he just did a quick double tap followed by evisceration of the corpse. He doesn’t even wear a helmet while he does it. Basically he’s a bit of an 80’s badass in the Rambo, Commando mold… but in this day & age (especially with the last decade’s shoot-em-up news stories) it’s not nearly the same appeal as it once was.

 

In this edition of the Punisher, after the Jane-Travolta movie didn’t do so well with audiences because it was either too dark for the PG-13 crowd that it tried to get or too weak & predictable for comic book fans, this version was meant as a full R-Rated version that wanted to be dark, violent, sickening, basically what the newer versions of the comic books were… and it pulled it off pretty tremendously. This is kind of a sequel to the Jane-Travolta version in which it takes place 4-5 years after the events of that movie… and the Punisher has been “takin’ care of business” and cleaning the streets of wrong doers… until he almost singlehandedly takes out the local crime syndicate… but accidentally takes out an undercover federal agent. Now the Feds have to take him down… and also, one of the few generals left in the crime syndicate is still alive (even after being ran through… some kind of glass pulversizer machine?) and emerges as the villain… JIGSAW!!! Jigsaw (West) then breaks his brother Looney Bin Jim out of… I assume another wing of the asylum from “The Ward” (same kind of super lax security) and they want revenge… and to get $12 million for facilitating the transfer of some dirty bombs to local terrorists. Who can save us? The Punisher!!! Okay, that’s the story… or at least the first act or so… but it’s all about the execution of the story… and I’ll admit… everybody in this f**king movie sounds like they have a weird Irish twist to their respective accents. The Punisher doesn’t speak much… so it’s hidden well… but Jigsaw sounds like an Englishman doing his worst Italian-wopdago stereotype (and I love Dominic West, don’t get it twisted)… and there’s even a Jamaican parkour guy who sounds like Bobby O’Marley… but aside from that, the movie is spot on. It’s extremely unabashedly violent… the mood is always dark… there’s always hues of red & green to almost every frame… even the sound effects sounds like the engineers were having a field day with KY jelly, grapes, mac & cheese, breaking glass and all kind of other muted breaking noises… HE PUNCHES THROUGH A GUY’S FACE!!! I read a little bit about this movie on IMDb… and there are WELL over a hundred DIFFERENT KINDS of guns used in this movie… and the death toll is probably in the Top 10 Movie Death Tolls of all time... but I enjoyed it. If you’re down for a total Man Movie, then I’d say check it out! You could do a LOT worse! There are some scenes where you’ll just go “F**K!!! Hahahaha… that was pretty awesome!”

 

It also got me thinking… about how the Punisher hasn’t been in the Marvel Universe. This movie came out a few months after the first Iron Man movie… and was under the “Marvel Knights” company… which apparently is separate from the more financially successful Marvel team (as it’s composed of this movie & the 2^nd Ghost Rider abortion a few years later) and is apparently for the more… let’s say EXTREME Marvel Universe where you can have gun-toting vigilantes & minions of Satan where there’s actual death tolls (as opposed to one character being killed off in “Avengers” movie and then brought back for a TV series later that year). If it’s the only way to get some of these characters & storylines brought to the screen, then so be it. Other characters in this universe are Black Panther (at least until next year), Black Widow and the Inhumans… and some of the darker storylines from other staples like I feel the Netflix Daredevil series is trying to do… but it got me thinking… “What if Punisher were in that extended Marvel Universe?” And here are some of my favorite Punisher Crossover Movie possibilities… starting with the most ridiculous to one that MUST happen…

 

Avengers: Infinity War Part Two – Let’s face it… there’s already enough characters in this movie… but I wouldn’t mind a quick cameo of The Punisher locking& loading as like a special general with S.H.I.E.L.D., giving a quick speech about finding the gumption to face impossible odds, charging into battle, and then maybe being quickly pimpslap-vaporized by Thanos. Maybe even follow it up with a snarky Tony Stark one-liner… You’re welcome, Hollywood.

 

X-Men: Apocolypse/Punishment Day – Basically the same as Avengers, but replace S.H.I.E.L.D. with Stryker’s armed forces… and Thanos with Apocalypse… and Tony Stark with Wolverine rattling off a Bad Pun… … …isher.

 

Punisher vs. Ghost Rider – Honestly the only reason that I want this movie to exist is to see Nicolas Cage do his crazy thing… you’d think that I’d be over it by now but… it’s just absolutely mesmerizing. As for the plot, they’re going after the same baddies… “This is my turf, punk!” Battle ensues… the only drawback is… honestly it’s not really a fair fight. Guns don’t even phase the Ghost Rider… in fact… from what I can tell in the movies… the only things that can slow down the Ghost Rider is either a dwindling return on investment… or Nicolas Cage’s schedule. That’s why this next one is much better…

 

Punisher vs. Daredevil – I’ve actually read this is already going to happen in the 2^nd season of the Netflix Daredevil series… and I basically got a woodie. Full chub. They even cast Jon Bernthal (“Walking Dead” & “Fury”) as the Punisher… and I’m perfectly okay with that. Also, you may be wondering why I don’t care about him going against fellow New Yorker Spiderman… and it’s because Spiderman is a f**king p**sy who couldn’t lick Frank Castle’s boot. Face!

 

Blade vs. Punisher – What? Blade gets top billing over the Punisher in this one? You bet he does! Wesley Snipes reprises the role that he was born to play… it’s the 4^th movie in both quadrilogies… and you can even have them meet up & battle the first time they meet because… you know, Punisher got wind that vampires are terrorizing the city… and Blade is half-vampire… but then after a battle, they begrudgingly join forces to try & take down Satan himself… played by Nicolas Cage with a full Fu Manchu… you’re welcome, World!!!

 

Punisher vs. Predator: Dusk of Justice – Okay, so I was trying to keep this all in the Marvel Universe… and I know that I might as well be saying Punisher vs. Jesus / Rambo / Batman / Superman / Lobo / Jason / Freddy /  The Devil / The Devil’s Rejects / Time / Barb Wire / Beavis & Butthead / Jurassic World or something like that. However… this would be f**king amazing on every level!!! You could even have Dolph Lundgren back as an aging Punisher (though I’d prefer Jason Statham or Ray Stevenson) following the trail of this mysterious killer whose… basically doing his work, taking out the trash of New York City. However, as he gets close… he realizes that it’s all for sport… and there’s only one man who can actually give Predator a challenge. “PUNISHER VS. PREDATOR: DUSK OF JUSTICE… coming this December…”

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for this entry… I hope you all enjoyed it… now if you’ll excuse me, I’m probably going to watch some of that Netflix Daredevil so that I can get ready for the 2^nd season… have a great weekend everybody!!!

San Andreas: Rock Quake

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Tuesday night, Izzy & I were invited to a special screening of the new blockbuster disaster movie “San Andreas” starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Carla Gugino, Paul Giamatti & Ioan Gruffudd. The long and the short of it is that there’s a helicopter rescue pilot (Rock) who lives in L.A., is in the middle of a divorce (from Gugino) and whose daughter (eyecandy Alexandra Daddario) is flying out with her mom’s wealthy boyfriend (Gruffudd) on a private jet to go to school at Berkeley. How could things possibly get worse? Well… apparently California isn’t just going to have a series of strong earthquakes… it’s basically going to slide off into the f**king Pacific Ocean. Remember that movie “2012” that came out in 2009? Well… replace the limo driver/writer with a helicopter pilot… and put all the ridiculous global upheaval events and localize it to California (and the Hoover Dam briefly)… and the Rock is going to save his family, despite being HUNDREDS of miles away. Add “from the director of Journey to the Center of the Earth 2” and you’ve got this movie… okay, here’s the breakdown.

 

What I Liked About the Movie:

 

·         Sound Effects – The special effects are pretty good too (in spite of things later on) but the sound effects in particular were pretty incredible, especially in the theatre screen format where we saw it. Usually you just got a lot of loud booms & rumblings and… just noise to create a sense of danger. However, a lot of this movie has everything from like the bending of steel, crumbling of concrete, crashing of glass, thuds of skull on various things, squishes, all that stuff… and a lot of it happening in a pretty organic way to what’s actually happening on screen. Do I think they’ll be nominated for anything? Probably not… but I wouldn’t be surprised. Kudos to sound!

 

·         The Rock > John Cusack – I like the Rock. This has been known for a while. Sure, there’s what I like to call the “Arnie Syndrome” where… he’s an absolute movie star with all the looks, charisma & skills necessary to be a movie star. However, it’s basically impossible for him to blend into 99.9% of anonymous roles. Seriously, would somebody built like the Rock… be a helicopter pilot? Basically anything except a bodybuilder, football player, Greek demi-God or comic book character? However, he’s basically everything that Arnie was in the 80’s… but can actually speak English well. He can actually act too… and he actually has some brief moments which evoke caring & concern… which even the great John Cusack couldn’t do in “2012”. I know it’s not a direct parallel but… it’s the same f**king movie. Let’s be real.

 

·         Tracking Shots – There are a few scenes where I have to give it up to director Brad Peyton & everybody involved. Yes, the special effects don’t hold completely throughout… but one scene in particular that I really liked, in spite of how ridiculous it was, is the one where The Wife (Gugino) was in a high-rise restaurant in L.A. having a bitchy brunch with Kylie Minogue (I think she was boyfriend’s sister?) when a giant quake hits while she’s talking to The Rock on her cell phone… and she has to meet him at the top of the building… because he’s coming for her. What follows is a pretty interesting scene where it zooms into the building, you see her & other patrons running around the restaurant while all hell breaks loose at every turn, explosions, flames, ceiling falling, wings of the floor shearing off, all types of sh*t, made to look like a continuous shot… and it’s not half bad for what it is.

 

What I Didn’t Like About the Movie:

 

·         Physics – The usual suspect when it comes to these grandiose epic movies with Biblical proportions. Tucking a helicopter mid-air under a cliff with absolutely no wiggle room to save somebody? Building falling on it & it just flies away? Fluid dynamics of waves and/or debris? Didn’t you just say that all the phones were down? So what good is a ground line? Is a Tsunami only one wave now? Lots of others but those are the ones that I haven’t completely shunned from my mind for the time being… or give away too much plot.

 

·         Evil Stepfather Character – Completely unnecessary! Okay, so rich Stepfather (Gruffudd) & The Daughter are in a parking lot very near where I work in San Francisco when the initial quake hits… and long story short, the limo driver is crushed, The Daughter is trapped (though I’m skeptical how) & Stepfather can’t move a rock (unlike The Rock) so he goes off to get help leaving her behind. Not at all a horrible thing… if he follows through. The alternative is… he stands there & they both die, right? Well… he tells the security guard that she’s down in the lot while everybody’s running around, death crunch right in front of him, he’s absolutely demoralized by it (though the driver was no big deal minutes earlier), so he just kinda runs off leaving her behind. Now… initially I was like “Okay, PTSD trauma… he’s outside of his mind… he’s just not thinking straight & leaves.” Over the course of the next hour or so, you keep up with him… and he’s basically fine… just wanting to get the f**k outta town… and don’t worry, it’s an obvious setup for “The Come-up’ns” but it’s absolutely unnecessary. Disaster strikes… you don’t really need a bad guy. Mother Nature is the bad guy. Circumstances are the conflict. Why everybody gotta hate on Mr. Fantastic? Which leads me to a few more questions…

 

·         Is the Protagonist Actually a Villain? – Here me out… The Rock is kind of a villain in this movie. Yes, it’s all in the vain of saving his family and all of that but… when the quake series starts… he’s flying a helicopter to base to get refueled or something, so that he can go help survivors of the Vegas/Hoover Dam quake. 1^st Quake hits… “F**k Nevada survivors, I’ve gotta get my soon-to-be-ex-wife whose 100 miles away atop a teetering skyscraper!” Okay, I understand the off to LA to help there, got it… and he tells his wife to get as many people to the roof as possible (not knowing that they’re crumbling). I get it. After the ridiculous rescue of The Wife, they get the call from The Daughter trapped in a basement… in San Francisco… 400 miles away! I’m not sure what the mileage is on a helicopter… but I’ll let it go. Then they have to crash land in Bakersfield 100 miles away… and long story short, in order to go the next 300 miles… they steal a truck (which I half expected them to try to jump a giant canyon in), a plane (which they then jump out of midflight to land at AT&T Park… letting the plane crash land in Oakland I assume), a boat (which they really gloss over) and while boating through the canals of San Francisco… and every step of the way, there are THOUSANDS of people in need of assistance. I can only imagine how many victims clinging to life that they literally have to kick off the sides of the boat in order to find (the corpse of) their daughter. So is he a Villain for not helping everybody along the way? No, you say? Then how about Evil Stepfather?

 

·         Why Does It ALWAYS Have to Be San Francisco? – Many movies over the half-century have destroyed the City of St. Francis… the City by the Bay… to the point where it gets ridiculous and almost cliché… if it weren’t such an awesome city! So why are more than half of all disaster movies set in San Francisco? Easy. It’s always in movies… because it’s aesthetically pleasing… even when all of its iconic images are being destroyed. More on this later…

 

·         …and Paul Giamatti as… Exposition!!! – Academy Award nominee (winne?) whose job in the movie is basically to tell you that earthquakes are bad, throw in some bullsh*t science jargon & easily-disputable explanations, and basically keep narrate for the audience how the Quake is doing in its slow& methodical demolition project of turning Nevada into shoreline property. There’s one point in the movie where he talks directly to the camera (and the city of San Francisco, which was odd actually BEING there) and gives a speech basically saying “You’re all f**ked… God help us all!” Half expected the theatre to start shaking & every bowel in the theatre to be voided…

 

Overall Summary: You know… I enjoyed it… it’s campy but there’s actually some pretty poignant spots (drowning scene, The Rock’s clip for academy consideration, etc) but it’s EXACTLY what you expect. No more, no less… maybe more… it’s your money. Check it out if you’d like… but don’t go into it thinking it’s going to be nominated for Best Picture or anything. That would be ill-advised & disappointing.

 

San Francisco Disaster Movies

 

When I started thinking about it… it’s pretty ridiculous how often the city of destroyed on film. Not just movies like “Book of Eli” where it’s post-apocalyptic future and everything is destroyed & set in San Francisco… but it’s the jump-off point for global catastrophe. I’m going to put some of this in scope… from least destructive to “are you kidding me?”…

 

A View to a Kill: Now, Zorin’s plan is to flood all of the Bay Area & Silicon Valley so that he’ll be a sole supplier of microchips (Really? Has he not heard of Asia? I’m pretty sure they actually make the microchips) and there’s a pretty major explosion in a far off tunnel with many fatalities… and an “epic” blimp battle between two rich white guys on Golden Gate Bridge… but yeah, not much here in the actual destruction. I can see this as an “also-ran” on local news the next day.

 

The Birds: Birds go nuts and try to take out people’s eyes & cause mass chaos… but overall, pretty sure a few SWAT helmets and batons can put this Hitchockian sh*t to rest.

 

The Rock: There's an epic car chase (excuse me, Ferrari vs. Hummer chase) that derails a street car, dozens/hundreds of car wrecks, I'm guessing more than a few pedestrian deaths... there's also the explosion of an iconic landmark called Alcatraz... and Candlestick Park almost got lit up like the 4th of July by nerve gas missiles... but it didn't happen... so they get this spot.

 

Rise & Dawn of the Planet of the Apes: Super-smart simians escape a laboratory, a catastrophic virus is released in said lab, there’s a fairly major battle on Golden Gate Bridge but it’s left standing as the apes go to live in Muir Woods… virus takes over eventually… but the next battle with apes is a decade later. City is pretty intact save for eventually the power goes out (not even going to get into all the BS) but yeah, low death toll in the movies.

 

The Towering Inferno: I feel like this movie happened hundreds of times in "San Andreas"... no exaggeration.

 

The Core: Ugh… f**k this stupid movie… but I have to put it in because of the “Magnifying Glass” sunbeam that cuts directly across the Golden Gate Bridge melting it in half… and we get to see it from the point of view of Buster from Arrested Development. Seriously… don’t see this movie. You can read my review here.

 

X-Men: Last Stand: The Golden Gate Bridge is completely destroyed, Alcatraz is a mutant & military killing field, but I assume spectators in the city are watching the fireworks of the Phoenix’s final burst from a safe distance.

 

Pacific Rim: Transdimensional Kaiju travelers pop up out of the Pacific Ocean… and their first stop is through the Golden Gate Bridge and into the East Bay to eventually be taken down by I assume ALL of the human military. Thus ends the original battle that unites the World in conflict with these Kaijus to build Gundam suits & a giant wall to keep them out. It changed the world as we know it… but it looks like they only made it a few miles onto land before being taken down.

 

Star Trek Into Darkness: Spaceship of epic scope is crashed directly into the heart of downtown San Future-isco… definitely a lot of fatalities… but hundreds, perhaps thousands… only decent for this list. By the way, "Star Trek IV: Voyage Home" doesn't count because they go back in time to (spoiler alert) save San Francisco from being destroyed by aliens by saving humpback whales... so drop it.

 

Godzilla (2014): Of course, the first Kaiju/MUTO’s HAS to cut through San Francisco to get to Nevada to lay eggs or something… and then come back to destroy the city to have hanky-panky with another Kaiju/MUTO, lay its eggs in Chinatown… and then basically destroy the town in a fight with a THIRD giant Kaiju gets to town to clean house. Several neighborhoods are destroyed (SOMA, Chinatown, Nob Hill, FiDi) and of course Golden Gate Bridge but overall… rents in the Mission, Richmond & Sunset would f**king SKYROCKET!!!

 

Contagion: This movie just scares the f**k out of me… and without explosions or falling skyscrapers… because it could really happen… like pretty easily. Seriously. Plague wipes out humanity… starts like anything else & then within a month… downfall of civilization… f**k you Steve Soderbergh! Yet well done…

 

Terminator: Salvation: I almost didn’t want to include this one as it’s the whole post-apocalyptic thing… but then again, Skynet starts & sets up their major production center in San Francisco… really the only change is replacing humans with robots & nuclear winter has made recycling a moot point.

 

San Andreas: Every building crumbles, tsunami turns the streets into canals, even a collection of survivors in the flooded remains of Oakland was taken out by an airplane that crashed into their compound… complete annihilation… property values instantly fall from record highs to New Orleans levels. Complete & total destruction.

Anyway, check out this movie if you'd like... I enjoyed it for what it was... and now I kinda want to watch a bunch of these other movies too. Have a great day everybody!!!

The Greatest Year in Movie History

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Wednesday night, Izzy & I watched “22 Jump Street” starring Channing Tatum, Jonah Hill & Ice Cube… and yes, this is the sequel to the parody of a dated & preposterous TV show that they turned into a movie last year… so it has a LOT of things going against it. That being said… it’s actually pretty f**king hilarious. For those who don’t know the premise, two policemen in their late twenties/early thirties pose as high school kids in the original to bust a drug ring… and this movie picks up right after the last, except this time… they’re going to college. What changes? Well… not much really… except the students are even less willing to accept that these guys are students (which is odd cuz… yeah, you don’t need to pretend to be younger in college). Yes, the plot is pretty thin. Yes, the humor is a tad sophomoric & ultimately self-deprecating… but that’s exactly what you expect from this movie. There will be no Oscar nominations… students of stage & screen will not marvel at the precise emotions of the main actors… nor will thespians who fancy the Bard quote Ice Cube’s character during the next Shakespearian-inspired performances at Carnegie Hall… muthaf**kas… but it exists to create laughs… and it does that pretty damn well. If you’re into laugher, I’d definitely say check it out… you won’t be disappointed unless you’re expecting Channing Tatum to win an Academy Award (2017 will be his year, mark it now).

Later that night, we watched a movie that I hadn’t even heard of that came out last year called “Oculus” starring… well, Katee Sackhoff from “Battlestar Galactice” is in it… and Rory Cochran from “Empire Records” all grown up… and apparently the main girl was Nebula in “Guardians of the Galaxy” under all the makeup (Karen Gillan) but yeah, pretty exclusive & little known cast in this one. Anyway, the story is about a young 21-year old man who is recently released from a mental institution that he’s been in for 11 years since the bizarre killing of his parents in 2002. His sister (Gillan) picks him up… and basically takes him straight from the institution to the house where it all happened… and who else is there but the one they all blame for killing their parents… a 400-year old mirror. Needless to say, apparently mental health issues run in the family… but the man has been in the institution… and has learned that what he perceived to have happened, could not have happened. It was all in his ill mind. The sister, apparently hid her convictions a lot better, and is adamant to PROVE that the Mirror killed their parents… and has set up a “Ghost Adventures”-esque documentation area to observe it. Now, from this point in the movie, where it’s just the two of them, in this house, with the mirror, and their own perceptions of what’s real, and blurred lines between the past, present & reality in general… the movie is pretty f**king amazing. Honestly, it’s one of the best horror movies that I’ve seen in a long, long, long time. You’re genuinely intrigued as to what’s going on. Is the Mirror haunted? Possessed? Or is this just the delusions of two schizophrenics? Is one sane & the other isn’t? Then why are they seeing the same things? Is the Mirror controlling their minds? You don’t know what’s going to happen because it plays with perception & perspective… how they remember the past & how their present is manipulated by their senses… I just highly recommend that if you enjoy a good scare (and don’t worry, it’s actually pretty low on gore, though a few spots have blood) then go rent this movie as soon as possible. GREAT horror flick!!!

Thursday night, Izzy & I finally watched “X-Men: Days of Future Past” which is the latest installment of the X-Men movie series and the return of director Bryan Singer (first two & “Usual Suspects”). In this edition, it’s the year 2023 or so… and the world is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad place where these giant, adaptable, basically unstoppable robots called Sentinels are used to eliminate mutants… and not only that… but they wipe out anybody with genetics that could possibly produce mutants in the future… so basically everybody since that’s the nature of evolution. Mankind is basically doomed. Roll credits. No, wait! One of the mutants is able to… okay, go with me on this one… send somebody back through time using their own memories… wait… and then through their memories, they can change the past & save the future. However, to do this, they have to go back to “the beginning” which conveniently enough… begins in 1973, right in between the generations of the original trilogy… and the younger “First Class” version… sigh… f**k me, it’s “Star Trek: Generations” but with X-Men… and the time travel concept from “Butterfly Effect”. Awesome, right? Okay, so they send Wolverine back because… well, the reasoning is that he’s the only one that can physically withstand having his mind stretched back 50 years… but I was kinda raised on the whole point that Wolverine’s main weakness is that his mind is kind of a jumbled mess of horribleness that causes him to basically flip out at any moment… let’s be honest, it’s because Hugh Jackman is the star & he’s basically f**king timeless and can be the “anchor” for our frame of reality… so he’s sent back to change the past & save the future. Okay, seriously… as silly as it might sound… go check this movie out.

What I Liked:

• Overall, Just a Decent Comic Book Flick / Crossover / Reboot – That pretty much says it all… and let’s be honest, the whole point of this movie in essence… was for Bryan Singer to pull a Richard Donner. What’s that mean? Richard Donner directed the first two Superman movies (the good ones) and then was brought back to produce “Superman Returns” after a few sh*tty movies were made in between… basically to say, “You know what? Those bad movies… never happened in this universe now. We can continue & forget about that alternate dimension of hogwash.” Basically there was X-Men & X2… and then Singer went off to do… oh yeah, “Superman Returns” and there were a few bad X-Men movies made (X3, Origins: Wolverine & The Wolverine) but with the events of this movie… they kinda go, “Nope, never happened now. All better. You’re welcome.”

• Working Everybody into the Movie (except Rogue) – The cast of main characters is a tremendous amount. Something like two dozen or more… but they also did a decent job of giving the big names the majority of the scenes (Hugh Jackman, Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Patrick Stewart, etc) while keeping a lot of the others to little more than cameos… and actually keeping some of the more annoying characters from the first movie as half-scene cockblockers (Cyclops) or out of the movie entirely (Rogue). Not an easy feat I’m sure.

• Quiksilver Steals the Show – Evan Peters (“American Horror Story”) plays the character Quiksilver who was always a favorite as a kid… and as the name might infer, he can run really, really, really fast… like the Flash… but if the Flash were a teenage smartass. He’s basically in the movie for two scenes… and they’re probably the most memorable ones of the whole movie… then for some reason, they send him back home because there’s no possible way that he could help them later on… you know, moments after he just broke one of the three most powerful beings on Earth out of the Pentagon almost single-handedly.

• Peter Dinklage – It’s really a shame that this guy can’t be in more movies or shows. It’s hard out there for a little person trying to make it in the average sized Hollywood game. However, it seems whatever he’s doing… he acting the sh*t out of it… and I’m glad that they were able to get him in this movie as the pivotal character Bolivar Trask (creator of the Sentinels) and actually give him some character depth.



What I Didn’t Like:

• Professor Xavier’s Legs – “WHY THE F**K ARE YOU WALKING AROUND???” That was my reaction to James McAvoy doing his best impression of The Dude when he first comes into the scene as 1973 Professor X… and it was kind of hard to focus on whatever they were talking about for the next ten minutes. Oh sorry, in case you didn’t know, Professor X is without the use of his legs… it’s the whole angle of having the most powerful mind in the world… but the flesh is weak & spongy… and at the end of “First Class” is the scene where he is crippled by a stray bullet. So to have him just gingerly walking into frame… you might see the reaction justified. Oh… and the reason for his walking? So… he’s an addict for the serum that makes it so he can’t use his mutant mental powers… and apparently what happens is when he’s taking hits of that, he can walk just fine… even run from time to time… but as soon as his powers come back, THAT’S what cripples him & makes him wheelchair bound. F**k you, movie! Too much going on upstairs to control the legs? Okay, I’ll take that. Then don’t throw in the f**king serum that makes it all better. Okay… done with that.

• Brutal Deaths – So… this is a PG-13 movies… but YOOOOOOOO!!! Some of the death scenes set in 2023 involving the unstoppable Sentinels & the last of the mutantkind… are pretty f**king brutal. Lots of stabbing through the torsos like shishkabob… bodies exploding… decapitations… and there’s quite a few occasions where somebody is choked the f**k out. Granted, there’s not a lot of blood… but still, pretty brutal… and because of the time travel component… it kinda happens a lot as they “reset” and play again.

• Bishop Cameo – In the 2023 scenes, we get our first glimpse at one of the biggest badasses in X-Men lore, the gigantic & thoroughly mullet-dreadlocked Bishop… and he doesn’t really disappoint… except you don’t really know who he is unless you’re a nerd or you think his superpower is dying epicly (see previous point). My big question though is… Where the f**k is CABLE??? It’s not really a complaint for this movie as there’s already a LOT of things going on… but Cable is a badass & he hasn’t been in a movie yet (queue “X-Men: Apocalypse”?). If you don’t know who he is… google it… but I can’t wait to see him played by Arnie? Or Stephen Lang (“Avatar”)? Or Mickey Rourke? Or Robert Patrick maybe (Izzy’s suggestion)? Anyway, good movie check it out.





Movies of 1994 (20th Anniversary)



As we come to year’s end… and I’m obviously watching a lot of movies from this year… I can’t help but think back to… what may hands-down be the greatest year in movie history – 1994. Twenty years ago now, all of these movies were made & released… and I think you’ll agree that they’re all quite EPIC… and probably all of them that you’ve seen have shaped your life in some way. Heck, if you’re a teenager, and you haven’t seen this movies, check ‘em out… well, most of them anyway. Anyway, here’s just a sampling of movies from that year that you might remember fondly…



Drama

• Pulp Fiction – Probably my favorite movie of all time… and the one that really put Quentin Tarantino, Uma Thurman, Ving Rhames & Samuel L. Jackson on the map… and rejuvenated John Travolta’s career. Yes, it was snubbed repeatedly for awards… but whatever, that’s Hollywood.

• Forrest Gump – Does it hold up? Yeah, I think so. Funny, tugs at the heart strings, a unique & memorable tale of a dumbass who apparently was involved in nearly every facet of American history from 1955 to the late 80’s… and then begat Haley Joel Osment with the crack-fiend version of Buttercup. In all honesty though, I love this movie & I don’t care what you say, nor should you care what I say.

• Shawshank Redemption – Morgan Freeman’s incredible narration career begins…

• The Client – Susan Sarandon, Tommy Lee Jones & the late great child actor Brad Renfro among others… is it bad that the first thing I remember about this movie is “Hey Ricky, how does an eskimo take a piss?”

• Above the Rim – Basketball + 2Pac’s role as Birdie = Movie gold in my opinion

• Immortal Beloved – Gary Oldman is Beethoven… that’s all you need to know… go watch it!!!



Action

• True Lies – Arnold at his finest! No, not Schwarzenegger… Tom Arnold! Okay, maybe both… and jailbait Eliza Dushku

• Clear & Present Danger – Jack Ryan: American Badass takes on Willem Dafoe… also starring jailbait Thora Birch

• Leon: The Professional – Luc Besson begins his oddly intriguing grip on action cinema… and Gary Oldman turns from Beethoven to a Badass… and jailbait Natalie Portman… hmm… a lot of legitimate jailbait in this year’s action movies…

• Natural Born Killers – Oliver Stone… Woody Harrelson… Juliette Lewis… coked-out Robert Downey jr… Tom Sizemore… Rodney Dangerfield cameo… and Tommy Lee Jones comes in & plays probably the craziest of all them… f**king classic movie

• Speed – Ladies & gentlemen, Academy-Award winner Sandra Bullock stars as the comic relief / love interest in this Keanu Reeves action behemoth

• Stargate – James Spader… Kurt Russell… Those badass Anubis warriors… Admit it… you f**king love this movie too… and probably the TV series… serieses? What’s the plural for series?

• Timecop & Street Fighter – Jean-Claude Van Damme had probably his finest year… time traveling cop & the leader of the American forces set to take out a Thai terrorist leader played by the late great Raul Julia… hmm… wasn’t his second in command Kylie Minogue in that movie?

• The Specialist – Sylvester Stallone also existed… as did Sharon Stone & James Woods… not their finest flick but it was Sly’s follow-up to the classic Demolition Man & let’s be honest… the only reason anybody went to see this movie was to see the sex scene where Sly gets up in the Family Stone… or see a lot of sh*t get blown up

• Blown Away – Speaking of sh*t getting blown up…

• On Deadly Ground – Steven Seagal also existed during this time… and he even DIRECTED this classic where the synopsis is… I sh*t you not, this is straight from IMDb “Mystical martial artist/environmental agent takes on a ruthless oil corporation.” Not only that… it also stars Michael Caine, Billy Bob Thornton, John McGinley, R. Lee Ermey & the great Sven Ole Thorsen

• The Shadow – Alec Baldwin vs. KHAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!

• Star Trek: Generations – Mentioned above in the X-Men review, but yeah, this movie brought Picard & Kirk together via wormhole (Nexus?) instead of sillier time travel ideas like thinking really hard about it

• Highlander: The Final Dimension – So remember that whole “Highlander II: The Quickening” thing? Yeah, forget about it… just add magic. Also, Mario Van Peebles is an underrated actor (not in this movie, just overall), Mako had a cameo, and Debra Unger was REALLY hot. That’s all I really remember about this movie…

• Double Dragon – Not the worst video game movie ever made (Super Mario Bros is still #1) but pretty close… Alyssa Milano is in it… Robert Patrick… but it’s really odd when the Lee brothers are played by Scott Wolf from “Party of Five” and the Iron Chef (“Brotherhood of the Wolf” is badass though).



Comedy

• Dumb & Dumber – This was the year that made Jim Carrey LEGEND!!! He started off with the underground classic “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”, followed up with this movie that’s regarded as one of the top of all time… and then finished it up with “The Mask” which was larger budget & launched the career of Cameron Diaz (and a few sh*tty sequels). Has any actor had a better year of work than Jim Carrey had in 1994? Especially from a comedy perspective?

• Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult – The finale of the great Naked Gun trilogy… and just to show you how much can change in twenty years, this movie starred both O.J. Simpson AND Anna Nicole Smith… and the main plot centered around terrorists plotting to destroy the American way of life… by blowing up the Oscars… and it was totally tongue-in-cheek. Fantastic!!!

• Addams Family Values – Okay, officially it was released November of ’93… but f**k it, this is my list & I’m including this masterpiece because I probably watched it a few dozen times in 1994. Deal.

• Maverick – Mel Gibson before he went f**king crazy… Jodie Foster before she went f**king crazy… Alfred Molina before you had to mention he was in a movie… and James Garner is all that is Man. Damn I wanna watch this movie now.

• Ed Wood – Tim Burton & Johnny Depp telling the story of probably the worst director in the history of cinema (before Uwe Boll). Great flick… lots of awards… Martin Landau… go see it!

• Don Juan DeMarco – Speaking of Johnny Depp, f**k you I love this movie… and the song! I am not ashamed.

• Clerks – This was one of the first really big indie films… and of course started Kevin Smith to being the living punchline/social icon that he is today. Keep an eye out for “Clerks 3” coming out next year I think… and “Clerks 2” really wasn’t that bad… I miss my donkey…

• Priscilla: Queen of the Desert – General Zod, Agent Smith & Guy Pearce are drag queens on a road trip across the Australian landscape… sigh… it’s actually pretty damn good

• Beverly Hills Cop III – Eddie Murphy was still funny twenty years ago… this is the one at the amusement park though.

• Milk Money – Watching this family film as an adult… is a thousand times more disturbing than watching it as a teenager. The premise is a kid (maybe 12 yrs old?) goes into town to see a naked woman with his friends (odd). While there he meets V (Melanie Griffith) who takes their money for a quick flash of her tatas. Moments later, she’s on the run from her pimp’s pimp (Malcolm McDowell) and goes home with this kid to hide out in his treehouse… but then she meets the widower father (Ed Harris) and the kid tries to hook them up. Trust me… it only gets worse from there really… but still fond memories

• Junior – “Okay Mr. Producer, so my idea for a movie… Arnold Schwarzenegger is pregnant…” “When can we start filming?”

• Cabin Boy – I f**king LOVE this movie… and can’t believe that Chris Elliott wasn’t a bigger thing. Fun fact: David Letterman’s best performance to date

• Wagons East – John Candy’s last movie… and he had to share top billing with Richard Lewis… sigh… it’s actually still pretty damn funny, an anti-Western

• Airheads – Today: “Okay Mr. Producer… Brendan Fraser, Adam Sandler & Steve Buscemi are…” “I’m out!”

• The Ref – Denis Leary + Christmas = “Holy sh*t is that Kevin Spacey???”

• PCU – The underground launching pad for future star Jeremy Piven… and George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic are essentially main characters… you really can’t beat it

• A Low Down Dirty Shame – Written & directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans as “In Living Color” stars were splitting off to take over Hollywood, a really underrated black detective comedy that should be mentioned more with the likes of “Undercover Brother” & “Black Dynamite”

• Blankman – Damon Wayans as an unlikely superhero… David Alan Grier as the voice of reason… Robin Givens as the love interest… and Jason Alexander in a wheelchair… hilarious

• Duckman (TV) – Yes, I know it’s not a movie… but this show is f**king awesome and I just mentioned Jason Alexander so… WATCH IT!!!

• Due South (TV) – Izzy would feel a little gipped if I didn’t mention that her favorite TV Show of all time didn’t start in ’94 too… about a lovely & infallible Mountie named Benton Fraser in the mean streets of Chicago… and I’m told that I’m very similar to Benton



Horror-ish

• Interview with the Vampire – “Legends of the Fall”

• Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein – Kenneth Branaugh stars & directs the classic story with Robert DeNiro as the monster & Helena Bonham Carter as his bride… that’s right, Helena Bonham Carter in a horror movie NOT directed by Tim Burton

• The Crow – RIP Brandon Lee… seriously though… the son of Bruce Lee would’ve been Keanu Reeves if not for the mishap… think about it

• The Stand – I mention this 45-hour mini-series only because my uncle’s arm is apparently in a scene unloading bodies into a dump… I’ve actually never seen this… but it came out the appropriate year

• Wes Craven’s New Nightmare – This was actually my first introduction to the “Nightmare on Elm Street” series (remember, I was 13) but after watching it… my dad basically told me, “Okay… let’s watch the original… it’s better” but still… as far as #6 or 7 in a horror series goes, actually not that bad

• Wolf – Jack Nicholson is an aging publisher who gets bitten by a wolf… and he slowly but surely turns into a werewolf over the course of this movie. Michelle Pfeiffer is hot. James Spader is the master of playing the pricky young publisher moving in on Jack’s turf… but yeah, this movie is just a good reason to watch Jack play Jack… and it’s basically symbolic of two guys trying to mark their territory… love it

• In the Mouth of Madness – The year after Jurassic Park came out, Dr. Grant (Sam Neill) was in this John Carpenter movie about an insurance adjuster looking into the fans of a horror writer and… it just gets really weird & satanic… check it out… Jurgen Prochnow is cast perfectly

• Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation – Ladies & gentlemen, starring Academy Award-winner Matthew McConaughey & Renee Zellweger… the first of MANY Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboots… and if you’ve seen it… you know why I’m laughing about robot legs.



Family

• The Lion King – Still probably the best Disney movie…

• The Little Rascals – F**k I love this movie too… in spite of Whoopi’s cameo

• D2: The Mighty Ducks – Team Iceland… you don’t like them either…

• The Jungle Book – Why isn’t Jason Scott Lee in more movies?

• The Flintstones – I mean… for a Flintstones movie… eh…

• The Return of Jafar – HELL YEAH!!! The straight-to-VHS sequel to “Aladdin” which was actually okay…

• Richie Rich – Macaulay Culkin headlined this movie and “Pagemaster” this year… does it piss you off sometimes that a 13-year old can make a sh*t ton more money than you ever will?

• Angels in the Outfield – TONY DANZA!!!

• The Next Karate Kid – Ladies & gentlemen, starring TWO-TIME Academy Award-winner Hilary Swank as the more effeminate Daniel-son (Danielle-son?) in the fourth movie of the legendary series… hmm… do you think if there was a twist ending where she died at the end, would she be a THREE-TIME Academy Award winner?



The Rest

• Four Weddings & a Funeral – Yeah… no comment…

• It Could Happen to You – No… no, it couldn’t… but Nicolas Cage!

• Reality Bites – Ugh… I wanted them all to die when I saw this for the first time last year…

• Hoop Dreams – 13 year old me decided to watch this three-hour documentary about William “Bill” Gates & Arthur Agee, two kids from Chicago trying to make it to the pros… instead of “Billy Madison” & another movie that my brother decided to go see instead (early 1995)… he won that round… but still, great documentary… it’s tough to cover something like 15 years in less than three hours

• Quiz Show – Haven’t seen it… heard good things… directed by Robert Redford… won awards…

• Exotica – I just remember this trailer a lot… because it had Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) and it was the saddest, creepiest strip club that I had ever seen at the time…

• North – So while Bruce Willis was also revitalizing his career in “Pulp Fiction”, he also played a guy in a pink bunny suit in this flick… and with a ridiculously star-studded cast… directed by Rob Reiner… but just to put it in perspective, Bruce Willis was in a pink bunny suit… and Kathy Bates was an Eskimo mother… even though the first role of a ten-year old jailbait Scarlett Johannsen, one of the worst movies ever made…

• Exit to Eden – But not even the worst movie made that year… Dan Aykroyd & Rosie O’Donnell undercover at a sex resort… the best part about this movie… my mom picked it out when I was a kid. “Hey, this one has the guy from Ghostbusters & that girl from A League of Their Own! I’ll bet it’s hilarious!” She was wrong… but I still love her…



Seriously though, if you can think of a better year for movies… please share. I enjoy these little trips down memory lane… and now I’m gonna have to watch half of the above list again. Have a great weekend everybody!!!