Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
My brother went to the Pearl Jam concert the other night (and apparently Ben Harper opened) so when I called to tell me how awesome it was, I suggested that he go make love to himself...but I'm glad that he had fun. Sounds like it would've been a sweet concert to attend. Then again...I've been to THE Al Green, THE Smokey Robinson, THE Bacon Brothers and THE Ingrid Michaelson in the past year or so...so I'm doing pretty good. Oh...and a few performances by THE Spitsofrantic and Incubus and Birthquake. Other than that, not much going on. I had a lot of trouble sleeping Monday night...and as you may know, that rarely happens...but it usually means that somebody I care about has been having a rough time. Then again, maybe it really is me. My mind has been a little more frantic than usual with decisions concerning my whereabouts having to be made by Halloween (if not sooner) and the year's already 3/4 of the way gone...and it just flew right by. Time does that though. Occasionally I do the reflective mode where I'll reminisce about this or that...and sometimes it makes me giggle with happiness...and then sometimes it doesn't. The important thing is that I remember...and learn the lessons whatever they may be...and I move forward. I slept like a baby last night because I was a little exhausted...but I rarely have the two nights in a row like that...and I have today off work...and it's raining buckets, which is awesome. You all know how I feel about the rain. The windows are all open in my apartment and letting the smell in, I walk around in it, even worked on my car Brandy a bit...and all before noon. More time to do...nothing. I applied for a new passport finally (old one expired in January) but no plans to use it quite yet. I also gave Brandy a tune-up before the nights start getting colder. See, that sounds like a metaphor for sex (or at least masturbation) but it's really not. My mind just does that to everything...so I'll quit yapping and just start with the news...
Wiener = Slammer - Yes, I'm resorting to penis jokes. I should be writing Hollywood movies. A Massachusetts man who stole a hot dog from another man sitting under a tree in a park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. Antonio Judd pleaded guilty Monday in Worcester Central District Court to charges including larceny from a person. Police said Judd grabbed the hot dog in August after flashing what appeared to be a gun in Elm Park in Worcester, New England's second-largest city (behind New Londontown?). Police reports say Judd began to devour the hot dog, spilling mustard all over his shirt. They say when he was arrested later he was carrying a pellet gun and a pocket knife. Records show Judd has been sentenced to prison at least three times for offenses including assault and vandalism...but this was his first theft of another man's wiener. Ridiculous. A prick of a man snatches a two-dollar hot dog...and will spend the next 18 months in prison smuggling sausages. Sigh...maybe that's his thing. Why else would you threaten somebody for a hot dog? I don't understand it...unless he was deathly hungry or something...but then, he can just pawn his gun. Ridiculous...and now...for a classic joke.
What's Long, Hard & Full of Seamen? - Ladies, you may soon be able to find out firsthand. Top Pentagon officials are calling for an end to the U.S. military's historical ban on allowing women to serve in submarines. Admiral Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the top U.S. military officer, advocated the policy change in written congressional testimony distributed by his office to reporters on Friday. "I believe we should continue to broaden opportunities for women. One policy I would like to see changed is the one barring (women's) service aboard submarines." Navy Secretary Ray Mabus said he was "moving out aggressively on this" "I am very comfortable addressing integrating women into the submarine force," Admiral Gary Roughead (an incredible movie name for an admiral), chief of naval operations, said in a statement. Women account for about 15% of the more than 336,000 members of the U.S. Navy and can serve on its surface ships. But critics have argued that submarines are different, pointing to cramped quarters where some crews share beds in shifts. Nancy Duff Campbell, an advocate for expanding the role of women in the U.S. armed forces, said it would be easy to resolve problems associated with so-called "hot-bunking." (Sigh...it's been I while since I hot bunked with someone...) "They say, 'How could we have the women sleeping in the same area as men?'" said Campbell, co-president of the National Women's Law Center (NWLC). "But they already separate where the officers sleep from the enlisted, so it's not like it can't be done." (By the way, I'll draw you a diagram...and then read you a book about sharing) Roughead said the problem of sorting out accommodations on the U.S. fleet of 71 submarines was not insurmountable. Allowing women on submarines would be another step forward in expanding the role of women in the U.S. military. Last year, a woman was promoted to the rank of four-star general for the first time. Women are still barred from traditional frontline combat roles in the U.S. military...but female soldiers often run the same risks as men in Iraq and Afghanistan, where bombings and other insurgent attacks can happen almost anywhere and target any U.S. unit. Sorry, I'm still thinking about hot bunking. As you might have guessed, I am FOR allowing women into submarines. Why not? Have any of you been on a submarine? That's some confining quarters. Women are statistically smaller...so they're able to move about more freely. Not only that...but women are usually smarter. There, I said it. In fact, I'm going to take it one step further. I'm thinking...an all-female submarine. Mmm...yes. I really like that idea. Hard-working, sweaty, physically fit women in their late teens and early twenties...forced to share tiny living quarters and double up on bunks...keeping quiet so as not to alert the enemy...that just SCREAMS a torrid combination of catfights, experimentation and everybody's favorite...SHORE LEAVE!!! Oh my God...and those uniforms...and those sailor mouths...and those tattoos...and the wild & crazy stories behind them. F**k me runnin' it's like an entire military transport full of Foxes.
Speaking of which, read the Rolling Stone article about Megan Fox...and yeah, nothing too major. The more I read about her, the more she seems like a hot female version of me. We even have the same stupid things about how we sleep - Enjoying the company of others & their body heat...but not too hot, spooning's great, when nobody's around, lots of pillows to take their place, can't sleep if it's too quiet, mind always racing about other things, no one night stands...but love to spread & escalate rumors about our sex lives for basically no reason other than our own amusement. I'll bet she enjoys the rian too. Surprise surprise, she's also conflicted just like all of us...and she's not a whore like the Media makes her out to be. Check it out. Oh...and by the way, you read that correctly. I READ SOMETHING ALL ON MY OWN!!! And it wasn't an assignment either. Wanna know what else I'm mildly interested in reading?
Doing It Rogue Style - Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor, Republican vice presidential candidate, SNL star and political running gag has finished her memoir just four months after the book deal was announced (let's face it...how much does she really have to say?) and the release date has been moved up from the spring (when she would already be forgotten) to November 17th, her publisher said. "Governor Palin has been unbelievably conscientious and hands-on at every stage, investing herself deeply and passionately in this project," said Jonathan Burnham, publisher of Harper. "It's her words, her life, and it's all there in full and fascinating detail." Palin's book, her first, will be 400 pages (Really? With or without pictures?), said Burnham, who called the fall "the best possible time for a major book of this kind." The book now has a title, one fitting for a public figure known for the unexpected — "Going Rogue: An American Life." Harper, an imprint of HarperCollins, has commissioned a huge first printing of 1.5 million copies. Senator Ted Kennedy's "True Compass," published by Twelve soon after his August 25th death, also had a 1.5 million first printing. As with the Kennedy book, the digital edition of Palin's memoir will not be released at the same time as the hardcover. "Going Rogue" will not be available as an e-book until December 26th (boxing day) because "we want to maximize hardcover sales over the holidays," Harper spokeswoman Tina Andreadis said Monday. Publishers have been concerned that e-books, rapidly becoming more popular, might take away sales from hardcover editions, which are more expensive. Palin, who abruptly resigned (quit) as Alaska governor over the summer with more than a year left in her first term, has been an object of fascination (like a four-car crash on the freeway) since Senator John McCain, the Republican presidential candidate in 2008, chose her as his running mate, effectively destroying his credibility and making an instant celebrity out of a once-obscure public official. During last year's campaign, pundits questioned whether Palin hurt McCain's presidential bid by "going rogue," or defying his campaign's control. Although Democrat Barack Obama easily won the election and Palin was criticized even by some Republicans for being inexperienced, she remains a favorite among conservatives and is a rumored contender for 2012...as does Arnold Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus and Oscar the Grouch. Interest in her is so high that a fan recently paid $63,500 to have dinner with her, part of an Internet auction for a charity that aids wounded veterans. Palin, 45, spent weeks in San Diego shortly after leaving office and worked on the manuscript with collaborator Lynn Vincent. Why on God's partially green Earth would I want to read the ramblings of Sarah Palin? Because I'm hoping, thinking, praying that she will answer the question that I first brought into the American Mainstream over a year ago. That's right. I want to, once and for all, without any kind of political filter, and being of fairly sound mind & body (at least from a legal standpoint) to tell everyone who sees her as a role model...what her first time was like. Yes Sarah, the People demand...that you tell us how your "experience" began. Did you take the initiative? Were you in Love? In Lust? Were you a giving lover? Where? When? How many times? We've all speculated...now is the time to set the record straight...like a real rogue leader would do. Wait, rogue leader, why does that sound so wrong to me? Anyway, we shall see...probably about the time somebody prereads that book of hers and tells what page number to read...because I'm not reading the other 390 pages of useless babble about...whatever. I've got my own blog for that.
Anyway, that'll do it for today. I've got some rain to go play in...and since I have the day off, I should at least cook one fine meal, even if it's just for me. Oh hey, I'm also doing the Torch Relay on November 5th for the Children's Miracle Network if any of you would like to sponsor me...or come on down and walk with me. That'd be even better...and it'd be for a great cause. It's the first time coming to Salt Lake City so it'd be great if we raised a lot of cizzash and showed the world that Slick City knows how to represent for the kids. Have a great day everybody!!!
My brother went to the Pearl Jam concert the other night (and apparently Ben Harper opened) so when I called to tell me how awesome it was, I suggested that he go make love to himself...but I'm glad that he had fun. Sounds like it would've been a sweet concert to attend. Then again...I've been to THE Al Green, THE Smokey Robinson, THE Bacon Brothers and THE Ingrid Michaelson in the past year or so...so I'm doing pretty good. Oh...and a few performances by THE Spitsofrantic and Incubus and Birthquake. Other than that, not much going on. I had a lot of trouble sleeping Monday night...and as you may know, that rarely happens...but it usually means that somebody I care about has been having a rough time. Then again, maybe it really is me. My mind has been a little more frantic than usual with decisions concerning my whereabouts having to be made by Halloween (if not sooner) and the year's already 3/4 of the way gone...and it just flew right by. Time does that though. Occasionally I do the reflective mode where I'll reminisce about this or that...and sometimes it makes me giggle with happiness...and then sometimes it doesn't. The important thing is that I remember...and learn the lessons whatever they may be...and I move forward. I slept like a baby last night because I was a little exhausted...but I rarely have the two nights in a row like that...and I have today off work...and it's raining buckets, which is awesome. You all know how I feel about the rain. The windows are all open in my apartment and letting the smell in, I walk around in it, even worked on my car Brandy a bit...and all before noon. More time to do...nothing. I applied for a new passport finally (old one expired in January) but no plans to use it quite yet. I also gave Brandy a tune-up before the nights start getting colder. See, that sounds like a metaphor for sex (or at least masturbation) but it's really not. My mind just does that to everything...so I'll quit yapping and just start with the news...
Wiener = Slammer - Yes, I'm resorting to penis jokes. I should be writing Hollywood movies. A Massachusetts man who stole a hot dog from another man sitting under a tree in a park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. Antonio Judd pleaded guilty Monday in Worcester Central District Court to charges including larceny from a person. Police said Judd grabbed the hot dog in August after flashing what appeared to be a gun in Elm Park in Worcester, New England's second-largest city (behind New Londontown?). Police reports say Judd began to devour the hot dog, spilling mustard all over his shirt. They say when he was arrested later he was carrying a pellet gun and a pocket knife. Records show Judd has been sentenced to prison at least three times for offenses including assault and vandalism...but this was his first theft of another man's wiener. Ridiculous. A prick of a man snatches a two-dollar hot dog...and will spend the next 18 months in prison smuggling sausages. Sigh...maybe that's his thing. Why else would you threaten somebody for a hot dog? I don't understand it...unless he was deathly hungry or something...but then, he can just pawn his gun. Ridiculous...and now...for a classic joke.
What's Long, Hard & Full of Seamen? - Ladies, you may soon be able to find out firsthand. Top Pentagon officials are calling for an end to the U.S. military's historical ban on allowing women to serve in submarines. Admiral Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the top U.S. military officer, advocated the policy change in written congressional testimony distributed by his office to reporters on Friday. "I believe we should continue to broaden opportunities for women. One policy I would like to see changed is the one barring (women's) service aboard submarines." Navy Secretary Ray Mabus said he was "moving out aggressively on this" "I am very comfortable addressing integrating women into the submarine force," Admiral Gary Roughead (an incredible movie name for an admiral), chief of naval operations, said in a statement. Women account for about 15% of the more than 336,000 members of the U.S. Navy and can serve on its surface ships. But critics have argued that submarines are different, pointing to cramped quarters where some crews share beds in shifts. Nancy Duff Campbell, an advocate for expanding the role of women in the U.S. armed forces, said it would be easy to resolve problems associated with so-called "hot-bunking." (Sigh...it's been I while since I hot bunked with someone...) "They say, 'How could we have the women sleeping in the same area as men?'" said Campbell, co-president of the National Women's Law Center (NWLC). "But they already separate where the officers sleep from the enlisted, so it's not like it can't be done." (By the way, I'll draw you a diagram...and then read you a book about sharing) Roughead said the problem of sorting out accommodations on the U.S. fleet of 71 submarines was not insurmountable. Allowing women on submarines would be another step forward in expanding the role of women in the U.S. military. Last year, a woman was promoted to the rank of four-star general for the first time. Women are still barred from traditional frontline combat roles in the U.S. military...but female soldiers often run the same risks as men in Iraq and Afghanistan, where bombings and other insurgent attacks can happen almost anywhere and target any U.S. unit. Sorry, I'm still thinking about hot bunking. As you might have guessed, I am FOR allowing women into submarines. Why not? Have any of you been on a submarine? That's some confining quarters. Women are statistically smaller...so they're able to move about more freely. Not only that...but women are usually smarter. There, I said it. In fact, I'm going to take it one step further. I'm thinking...an all-female submarine. Mmm...yes. I really like that idea. Hard-working, sweaty, physically fit women in their late teens and early twenties...forced to share tiny living quarters and double up on bunks...keeping quiet so as not to alert the enemy...that just SCREAMS a torrid combination of catfights, experimentation and everybody's favorite...SHORE LEAVE!!! Oh my God...and those uniforms...and those sailor mouths...and those tattoos...and the wild & crazy stories behind them. F**k me runnin' it's like an entire military transport full of Foxes.
Speaking of which, read the Rolling Stone article about Megan Fox...and yeah, nothing too major. The more I read about her, the more she seems like a hot female version of me. We even have the same stupid things about how we sleep - Enjoying the company of others & their body heat...but not too hot, spooning's great, when nobody's around, lots of pillows to take their place, can't sleep if it's too quiet, mind always racing about other things, no one night stands...but love to spread & escalate rumors about our sex lives for basically no reason other than our own amusement. I'll bet she enjoys the rian too. Surprise surprise, she's also conflicted just like all of us...and she's not a whore like the Media makes her out to be. Check it out. Oh...and by the way, you read that correctly. I READ SOMETHING ALL ON MY OWN!!! And it wasn't an assignment either. Wanna know what else I'm mildly interested in reading?
Doing It Rogue Style - Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor, Republican vice presidential candidate, SNL star and political running gag has finished her memoir just four months after the book deal was announced (let's face it...how much does she really have to say?) and the release date has been moved up from the spring (when she would already be forgotten) to November 17th, her publisher said. "Governor Palin has been unbelievably conscientious and hands-on at every stage, investing herself deeply and passionately in this project," said Jonathan Burnham, publisher of Harper. "It's her words, her life, and it's all there in full and fascinating detail." Palin's book, her first, will be 400 pages (Really? With or without pictures?), said Burnham, who called the fall "the best possible time for a major book of this kind." The book now has a title, one fitting for a public figure known for the unexpected — "Going Rogue: An American Life." Harper, an imprint of HarperCollins, has commissioned a huge first printing of 1.5 million copies. Senator Ted Kennedy's "True Compass," published by Twelve soon after his August 25th death, also had a 1.5 million first printing. As with the Kennedy book, the digital edition of Palin's memoir will not be released at the same time as the hardcover. "Going Rogue" will not be available as an e-book until December 26th (boxing day) because "we want to maximize hardcover sales over the holidays," Harper spokeswoman Tina Andreadis said Monday. Publishers have been concerned that e-books, rapidly becoming more popular, might take away sales from hardcover editions, which are more expensive. Palin, who abruptly resigned (quit) as Alaska governor over the summer with more than a year left in her first term, has been an object of fascination (like a four-car crash on the freeway) since Senator John McCain, the Republican presidential candidate in 2008, chose her as his running mate, effectively destroying his credibility and making an instant celebrity out of a once-obscure public official. During last year's campaign, pundits questioned whether Palin hurt McCain's presidential bid by "going rogue," or defying his campaign's control. Although Democrat Barack Obama easily won the election and Palin was criticized even by some Republicans for being inexperienced, she remains a favorite among conservatives and is a rumored contender for 2012...as does Arnold Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus and Oscar the Grouch. Interest in her is so high that a fan recently paid $63,500 to have dinner with her, part of an Internet auction for a charity that aids wounded veterans. Palin, 45, spent weeks in San Diego shortly after leaving office and worked on the manuscript with collaborator Lynn Vincent. Why on God's partially green Earth would I want to read the ramblings of Sarah Palin? Because I'm hoping, thinking, praying that she will answer the question that I first brought into the American Mainstream over a year ago. That's right. I want to, once and for all, without any kind of political filter, and being of fairly sound mind & body (at least from a legal standpoint) to tell everyone who sees her as a role model...what her first time was like. Yes Sarah, the People demand...that you tell us how your "experience" began. Did you take the initiative? Were you in Love? In Lust? Were you a giving lover? Where? When? How many times? We've all speculated...now is the time to set the record straight...like a real rogue leader would do. Wait, rogue leader, why does that sound so wrong to me? Anyway, we shall see...probably about the time somebody prereads that book of hers and tells what page number to read...because I'm not reading the other 390 pages of useless babble about...whatever. I've got my own blog for that.Anyway, that'll do it for today. I've got some rain to go play in...and since I have the day off, I should at least cook one fine meal, even if it's just for me. Oh hey, I'm also doing the Torch Relay on November 5th for the Children's Miracle Network if any of you would like to sponsor me...or come on down and walk with me. That'd be even better...and it'd be for a great cause. It's the first time coming to Salt Lake City so it'd be great if we raised a lot of cizzash and showed the world that Slick City knows how to represent for the kids. Have a great day everybody!!!
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