Joey, Have You Ever Seen A Grown Man Naked?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I've finally been able to stop by the DMV and register my car for yet another year this morning (f**king taxes for nothin') and though I was a little irked...I was also in a great mood...and then it happened. The time had come again to pay rent for the upcoming month, so I went to the office to hand in my check. I was greeted by the two blonde girls who show off the rooms. The one who gave me the original tour and says "like" and "totally" all the time...and describes everything as "supercute", we'll call...Ditzy, and the other who seems a lot more intelligent and has an ample bosom, which she likes to display fortunately, we'll call her Mitzy. Well, Mitzy had seen me work out a few times (the bathroom is adjacent to the universal weight machine) so she greeted me by name, "Hey $teve, how can I help you?" "I just needed to pay rent before you ladies kick me out." I pull my check out of my pocket and a few pennies fall out onto the carpet. We both go down to pick up the change...and BOOM! I'm face-first in her love pillows. I'm talking skin on skin contact (and she may had been wearing perfume). Now, my instinct is to do certain things with my mouth...but I resist the urge...and we both kind of shoot back to an upright position, staring at each other stunned for a second...then slowly turns to smiles. "Wow!!! I ugh...I'm sorry, I...I'll get the change." Ditzy says from her desk, "OMG!" (Told you, she's a f**king cliché) and Mitzy is just laughing at my awkwardness, "$teve? How dare you? What kind of girl do you think I am?" I'm blushing (and wearing a sh*t-eating grin at the same time), "I'm sorry, I...honestly couldn't have planned that any better." We had a good laugh...and I got my ass out of there before they could change their minds about the situation (been to a few too many sexual harassment trainings in my life). So yeah, great way to start the day...with accidentally motorboating a beautiful blonde that I pay monthly. I can just see it now. Every time we see each other, we'll just start laughing...and nobody else will know why...except Ditzy but she'll probably forget...by lunch tomorrow.

Last night, I hung out with my dad for a few hours and we watched "Aliens" and "Airplane!" and cooked some burgers. Apparently my step-uncle's getting married on Saturday (yes, the 4th of July). Why? Because when else can you have a parade & fireworks for your anniversary? My dad & stepmom were married on the 4th of July too. Not a bad time for a wedding either. Everybody will be in town for family gatherings and what have you, the weather's usually pretty good (maybe a little on the warm side), it's easy to remember (gentlemen) and most people can get that day off work. What's not to like about celebrating your Dependence on Independence Day? Not one darn thing. Something for all the future Mrs Dr Loves out there to think about...and if you don't like that idea, then you don't like America. Here's some news...

Most Dangerous Sport - What is the most dangerous sport to participate in? Football? Basketball? Wrestling? Rochambeau? Dodgeball? Bullfighting? Sharkwrangling? Cockteasing? You may be surprised...and strangely aroused at the answer. Cheerleading safety efforts have led to modest reductions in the number of serious injuries in recent years, according to a new report about college and high school sports and cheerleading mishaps...but cheerleading continues to cause more serious and deadly injuries by far than other sports. Researchers have long known how dangerous cheerleading is, but records were poorly kept until recently. An update to the record-keeping system last year found that between 1982 and 2007, there were 103 fatal, disabling or serious injuries recorded among female high school athletes, with the vast majority (67) occurring in cheerleading. The next most dangerous sports: gymnastics (nine such injuries) and track (seven). Today, the National Center for Catastrophic Sports Injury Research at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill released its 26th annual report on the topic. The latest figures are from the 2007-2008 academic year for college and high school sports, male and female. The report defines catastrophic injuries as any severe or fatal injury incurred during participation in the sport. The new numbers are for the 26-year period from the fall of 1982 through the spring of 2008:

• There were 1,116 direct catastrophic injuries in high school (905) and college sports (211).


• High school sports were associated with 152 fatalities, 379 non-fatal injuries and 374 serious injuries.


• College sports accounted for 22 fatalities, 63 non-fatal injuries and 126 serious injuries.


• Cheerleading accounted for 65.2 percent of high school and 70.5 percent of college catastrophic injuries among all female sports.
  

The number of cheerleading injuries fell slightly in the 2007-08 academic year. "Progress has been slow, but there has been an increased emphasis on cheerleading safety," said the study's author Frederick O. Mueller. "Continued data collection on all types of cheerleading injuries will hopefully show that these safety measures are working to reduce injuries." That's right! Cheerleading is more dangerous than bullfighting. Basically, it's more dangerous than all other sports...COMBINED!!! The statistics don't lie. It can't possibly be that they're just permanently injured more because they're in skimpy outfits being tossed into the air and doing back flips over a parquet floor hundreds of times and it takes just one screw-up by any of the people involved. That is why I propose that we do something to help them out. They put their lives on the line every day (or at least those with pep rallies) and I say that when they go home...they should have somebody there to watch over them...and protect them...at all hours of day & night...even when taking a shower...or in the kitchen fixing a snack...because 73% of all accidents happen in the home...because the last thing anybody wants is for a cheerleader to slip and fall in the shower...and you're not there to catch her, hold her slippery body that's firm in all the right places, and help to stand her up...and comfort her in her state of shock. "It's okay. It's okay." "Wait, where did you come from? Why are you in my shower?" "Sssh, there there. It's okay. Just relax now, the important thing is that I'm here for you." "Who are you?" "Sssh, relax. I'm just a guy who saves cheerleaders from slipping in the shower using my ninja powers. Save the cheerleader. Save the world." "What?" "Don't you watch Heroes?" "What? You're a superhero?" "What? Sure. Look, just...sssh, it's okay. Oh, you're shivering. We have to keep you warm. Let's dry you off and get you in bed. Don't you worry. I'll be in bed next to you the whole time." So yeah, cheerleading's dangerous...and ladies & gentlemen, please don't shower alone. The risks are simply too high. If you find yourself needing a shower companion, just leave me a comment. I'm surprisingly affordable.

Never Wake A Sleepwalker - Since I'm all for giving out advice, here's another tidbit. A sleepwalking episode led to a stabbing. The Kansas City Star reported on its Web site Wednesday that the 24-year-old victim suffered a stab wound to his face and shoulder. Police said the victim's girlfriend awoke around 1:30 a.m. Wednesday to find her boyfriend urinating in the closet (we've all been there). He was intoxicated when he arrived at his apartment several hours earlier (surprise, surprise). Police said the man had a history of sleepwalking and ignored his girlfriend's repeated efforts to wake him up. He pushed her out of the way as he walked toward the kitchen, and she reportedly became scared that he might hit her. Police said she grabbed a knife and held it up as he approached. He sustained injuries that are believed to be non-life threatening. So...allegedly, he was sleepwalking...while intoxicated...and urinating in the closet...and got stabbed by his girlfriend. Sounds like one hell of a night...and a touching story to bring up at their wedding reception. "Honey, remember that time you stabbed me because I was drunk and you feared for your life...and then you found out I was just sleepwalking. Hahahahaha, I love ya sweetie...and that love will last longer than these scars on my face and neck." Aaaaaw...what can I say? I'm a romantic.

Monkey Pees on President - Speaking of Urination (no, not a small country in Eastern Europe), a monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he spoke to journalists at a news conference on Wednesday. Banda softly shouted: "You (monkey) have urinated on my jacket," and paused as he looked up to see the animal playing in a tree just above his chair. "Perhaps these are blessings," he said continuing his address amid laughter from the audience of journalists and diplomats at the State House presidential offices. Several monkeys play around the grounds of Banda's residence and his office. There are also many species of antelope and birds in the State House grounds. Very professional attitude and great charisma under attack. Kudos President Banda...but that sh*t wouldn't fly in $tevonia. The news article would read a little something like this.

"A monkey urinated on our magnificent and omnipotent $tevonian President, His Lord Grace Chancellor $teve Love as He spoke to minions at a news conference on Wednesday explaining why 'everybody needs to chill the f**k out about this whole prostitution ring thing' that the President has been implicated in. The President paused as he looked up to see the animal playing in the tree just about His throne surrounded by His beautiful cabinet of advisors. He then softly shouted (if you can actually do that): "Haha, you cheeky bastard" as He pulled a nickel-plated Desert Eagle out of His baby seal robe and fired, scattering monkey parts all over the minions as He exclaimed "MACAQUE, mother lover!!!" and handed the weapon to a nearby cabinet member, "Now the rest know who is boss. If any of the others start urinating, send out the flying monkey death squad to eliminate his family. Nobody pisses on my parade. NOBODY!!! This news conference is over!!!" Then He and the cabinet members retreated to his private chambers disrobing along the way...and all the minions were gracious for the precious moments where He graced us with His presence. So say we all. Praise $teve."

Anyway, that'll do it for today. If you'll excuse me, I have to tend to the flying monkey death squad and make sure that they are practicing their enhanced interrogation techniques properly. It's very difficult to teach a monkey to speak Russian...in French...but somehow I pull it off. Sorry, my head's still between Mitzy's breasts. Figuratively, of course. Have a great day everybody!!! BOOBS!!!