Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
So the game was a tease last night. The Magic were doing good...and then they sucked...and then were kind of good again...and then sucked again...and that damned Derek Fisher was left WIDE open (I'd much rather have Kobe hit a three pointer to tie it up than that guy) to send it into OT...and the Magic decided to not even show up for that. (Sigh...) Anyway, the NBA Draft's in less than two weeks and my favorite, the WNBA just started up again. So at least that's cool. Sue Bird's still playing, right? She hasn't retired to a cabin in the woods with her burly mountain man Dr Mookie Love yet? Good good good. I still have time to build the cabin and buy some flannel. Speaking of burly men in flannel, the Utah Scottish Heritage Festival starts today as well in Thanksgiving Point in Lehi, Utah...and continues tomorrow. I may go check it out...but I'm not going alone...so we'll see. Also, tomorrow's the Revival of the One Day Photo Project, so anybody else interested in contributing, let us know. Without further ado, here's some news...
Signs of the Apocalypse, Part 2 - (Yes Filly, the picture's for you) This is a continuation of what may soon become a series on this blog. A few months ago, I noticed these trends...and it's getting worse. Though a hot abortion activist once told me, "You really shouldn't joke about the Apocalypse" I am going to bring up a few signs...and it's really not a joke...but it's a defense mechanism. Apparently the David Carradine "suicide" at first reports REALLY DID turn out to be involved in some crazy sh*t in Thailand. The first statements were "we can confirm that he was hanging by his neck in the closet" but they didn't mention that he was hanging by his neck...and his genitals. That's pretty important information. If you're going to kill yourself, why would you hang by your wang too? Are you mad at him? Is he always running the show...and it has to stop? Are you two going out like Thelma & Louise? So yeah, apparently it's shady and the Carradine family is trying to get the FBI involved. I hope they get to the bottom of it...but it's not gonna be easy, I wouldn't think. So yeah, Grasshopper was assassinated. We also have our first official pandemic in over forty years with this Swine Flu, so please stay healthy out there. I'd hate for the Pig Cold to wipe out humanity. If only there was a more...dare I say...manly way to go out...yet not a nuclear holocaust or something like that. If only there was a way for humanity to flame out naturally in an epic battle of some sort...
SNAKES TAKE HOSTAGES!!! - Police in Sierra Leone have called in the army and fire brigade to try to take back control of a police station which has been overrun by hundreds of venomous snakes. Snake charmers have tried in vain to lure the beasts, mostly cobras and vipers, out of Gerihun police station in the southern district of Bo (perhaps soon to be renamed Boa). Attempts to smoke them out also failed...only pissing them off further. Officers and residents wanting to report crimes have grown too afraid to come to the building. "Even during work time when statements are being taken, these snakes can come out in dozens. Inhabitants have found it difficult to report cases to the police," station spokesman Brima Kota said. Soldiers and fire fighters had been dispatched from the capital Freetown and would try to flood out the snakes, believed to number as many as 400, he said. (Ugh...THEY CAN SWIM) Wild animals have regularly had run-ins with villagers in remote, thickly forested parts of Sierra Leone, particularly in settlements where humans have only recently returned after fleeing the country's 10-year civil war. Paramilitary police were drafted in to protect villagers in Bo from wild bush cows (really?) after a farmer was gored to death a few years ago, while rampaging elephants killed eight people and chased 600 from their homes in the east not long before that (okay, that one I can understand). Hundreds of snakes have taken a police station hostage...sending this nation rich with diamonds into complete chaos...and forcing them to retreat to the wilderness with the wild bush cows & elephants...possibly to form an alliance to fight back. SNAKES!!! Taking over a Police Station!!! It's "Snakes on a Plane" meets "Precinct 13" meets a creepy dream. Oh...and don't think that it's just happening in third world countries either...
SNAKES ON A GLADE!!! - The population of Burmese pythons in Florida's Everglades may have grown to as many as 150,000 as the non-native snakes make a home and breed in the fragile wetlands, officials said on Thursday. How did this happen? Wildlife biologists say the troublesome invaders were dumped in the Everglades by pet owners who no longer want them (and also pet shops destroyed in storms) and have become a pest and pose a significant threat to endangered species like the wood stork and Key Largo woodrat. "They eat things that we care about," said Skip Snow, an Everglades National Park biologist, as he showed a captured, 15-foot (4.6-meter) Burmese python to U.S. Interior Secretary Ken Salazar, who was on his first fact-finding mission to the Everglades since the Obama administration took office. With Snow (snake-hater & woodrat enthusiast) maintaining a strong grip on its head, the massive snake hissed angrily at Salazar and the other federal officials who gathered around it at a recreation area off Alligator Alley in the vast saw grass prairie. It took two other snake wranglers to control the python's body. "A snake this size could eat a small deer or a bobcat without too much trouble," Snow told Salazar before the secretary boarded an airboat for a tour of the Everglades. Everglades biologists have been grappling with the growing python problem for a DECADE. The snakes are one of the largest species in the world and natives of Southeast Asia, but they found a home to their liking in the Everglades when pet owners started using the wetland as a convenient dumping ground. "They're fine when they're small but they can live 25 to 30 years. When they get bigger you have to feed them small animals like rabbits, and cleaning up after them, it's like cleaning up after a horse. People don't want big snakes."
So the game was a tease last night. The Magic were doing good...and then they sucked...and then were kind of good again...and then sucked again...and that damned Derek Fisher was left WIDE open (I'd much rather have Kobe hit a three pointer to tie it up than that guy) to send it into OT...and the Magic decided to not even show up for that. (Sigh...) Anyway, the NBA Draft's in less than two weeks and my favorite, the WNBA just started up again. So at least that's cool. Sue Bird's still playing, right? She hasn't retired to a cabin in the woods with her burly mountain man Dr Mookie Love yet? Good good good. I still have time to build the cabin and buy some flannel. Speaking of burly men in flannel, the Utah Scottish Heritage Festival starts today as well in Thanksgiving Point in Lehi, Utah...and continues tomorrow. I may go check it out...but I'm not going alone...so we'll see. Also, tomorrow's the Revival of the One Day Photo Project, so anybody else interested in contributing, let us know. Without further ado, here's some news...
Signs of the Apocalypse, Part 2 - (Yes Filly, the picture's for you) This is a continuation of what may soon become a series on this blog. A few months ago, I noticed these trends...and it's getting worse. Though a hot abortion activist once told me, "You really shouldn't joke about the Apocalypse" I am going to bring up a few signs...and it's really not a joke...but it's a defense mechanism. Apparently the David Carradine "suicide" at first reports REALLY DID turn out to be involved in some crazy sh*t in Thailand. The first statements were "we can confirm that he was hanging by his neck in the closet" but they didn't mention that he was hanging by his neck...and his genitals. That's pretty important information. If you're going to kill yourself, why would you hang by your wang too? Are you mad at him? Is he always running the show...and it has to stop? Are you two going out like Thelma & Louise? So yeah, apparently it's shady and the Carradine family is trying to get the FBI involved. I hope they get to the bottom of it...but it's not gonna be easy, I wouldn't think. So yeah, Grasshopper was assassinated. We also have our first official pandemic in over forty years with this Swine Flu, so please stay healthy out there. I'd hate for the Pig Cold to wipe out humanity. If only there was a more...dare I say...manly way to go out...yet not a nuclear holocaust or something like that. If only there was a way for humanity to flame out naturally in an epic battle of some sort...
SNAKES TAKE HOSTAGES!!! - Police in Sierra Leone have called in the army and fire brigade to try to take back control of a police station which has been overrun by hundreds of venomous snakes. Snake charmers have tried in vain to lure the beasts, mostly cobras and vipers, out of Gerihun police station in the southern district of Bo (perhaps soon to be renamed Boa). Attempts to smoke them out also failed...only pissing them off further. Officers and residents wanting to report crimes have grown too afraid to come to the building. "Even during work time when statements are being taken, these snakes can come out in dozens. Inhabitants have found it difficult to report cases to the police," station spokesman Brima Kota said. Soldiers and fire fighters had been dispatched from the capital Freetown and would try to flood out the snakes, believed to number as many as 400, he said. (Ugh...THEY CAN SWIM) Wild animals have regularly had run-ins with villagers in remote, thickly forested parts of Sierra Leone, particularly in settlements where humans have only recently returned after fleeing the country's 10-year civil war. Paramilitary police were drafted in to protect villagers in Bo from wild bush cows (really?) after a farmer was gored to death a few years ago, while rampaging elephants killed eight people and chased 600 from their homes in the east not long before that (okay, that one I can understand). Hundreds of snakes have taken a police station hostage...sending this nation rich with diamonds into complete chaos...and forcing them to retreat to the wilderness with the wild bush cows & elephants...possibly to form an alliance to fight back. SNAKES!!! Taking over a Police Station!!! It's "Snakes on a Plane" meets "Precinct 13" meets a creepy dream. Oh...and don't think that it's just happening in third world countries either...
SNAKES ON A GLADE!!! - The population of Burmese pythons in Florida's Everglades may have grown to as many as 150,000 as the non-native snakes make a home and breed in the fragile wetlands, officials said on Thursday. How did this happen? Wildlife biologists say the troublesome invaders were dumped in the Everglades by pet owners who no longer want them (and also pet shops destroyed in storms) and have become a pest and pose a significant threat to endangered species like the wood stork and Key Largo woodrat. "They eat things that we care about," said Skip Snow, an Everglades National Park biologist, as he showed a captured, 15-foot (4.6-meter) Burmese python to U.S. Interior Secretary Ken Salazar, who was on his first fact-finding mission to the Everglades since the Obama administration took office. With Snow (snake-hater & woodrat enthusiast) maintaining a strong grip on its head, the massive snake hissed angrily at Salazar and the other federal officials who gathered around it at a recreation area off Alligator Alley in the vast saw grass prairie. It took two other snake wranglers to control the python's body. "A snake this size could eat a small deer or a bobcat without too much trouble," Snow told Salazar before the secretary boarded an airboat for a tour of the Everglades. Everglades biologists have been grappling with the growing python problem for a DECADE. The snakes are one of the largest species in the world and natives of Southeast Asia, but they found a home to their liking in the Everglades when pet owners started using the wetland as a convenient dumping ground. "They're fine when they're small but they can live 25 to 30 years. When they get bigger you have to feed them small animals like rabbits, and cleaning up after them, it's like cleaning up after a horse. People don't want big snakes."I happen to know more than a few ladies that would actually like a big trouser snake at home...but that's not the argument here. Ladies & gentlemen, I hate to say that I told you so...but again, I am proven correct. If you're going to just give your pets away...give them away to somebody who wants them. In this case, instead of thousands of you dropping off your Burmese Python to either die by natural causes or doom the human race...why not donate him to your local belt maker or cobbler? Two problems are solved...and at no cost to you...or the environment. The same goes with those extra puppies, kittens, turtles, guinea pigs, whatever. Have you ever worn guinea pig slippers? They feel MAGNIFICENT!!! Almost as good as eating fried guinea pig with a little red pepper reduction sauce. Okay, maybe that's taking it a little far...but yeah, don't just leave your pythons randomly in the wild to destroy an ecosystem, people. If you don't want them, wear them. Take responsibility for your actions...and be fashionable. Now, if I'm one of those guys that are irked that I can't pelt alligators due to federal regulations and whatnot, I'd be talking to Mr Salazar & see if I can get some kind of license to hunt these pythons...and then sell their hides off to Prada & Gucci and whoever to make some nice purses. This could be a blessing in disguise...or the damnation of all Christians to the Power of the Serpent!!! What now, PETA???
Be A Man Day - Two Indiana men have declared Monday "National Man Day" only to find there's already a romantic holiday that falls on that date. Nineteen-year-old Joel Longanecker (barely a man himself) and his 26-year-old brother Aaron have for months been rallying thousands to their masculine cause on Facebook. More than 260,000 people have pledged to "stand up and do manly things" on Man Day...but it turns out June 15 is also "Sneak a Kiss Day," a day for sweethearts to steal smooches from their sweeties. The Man Day organizers urge participants to take part in "manly" activities such as football, hunting or watching Rocky movies. They claim real men don't "sneak" kisses. True, real men don't sneak kisses...but we'll thieve the sh*t out of them & take what we can get. We'll pillage those kisses like Vikings sweeping across the globe. To the young men (I say because they're technically younger than me) who are leading this movement, Kudos!!! I will be sure to join your cause later today on Facebook...and do manly things on Monday. For example, I plan to wake up with a raging hard-on (and I mean RAGING!!!), scratch appropriately, take a morning deuce...with the door open, shower without a luffe, dress in manly attire, go to work for at least eight hours, admire the eye candy accordingly, buy lunch (as opposed to cook it), drive home, grill up a steak on the balcony (care to join me...ladies?), eat some potato chips with the fattiest dip that I can find, watch an R-rated movie starring some lady that I fantasize about having sex with, while drinking an alcoholic beverage...possibly simple rubbing alcohol...and maybe finish the day off with the clubbing of a baby seal. You know, just to show who runs this planet. Sorry, did I say baby seal? I meant hunt down some of these Burmese pythons and save the human race...again. Does that sound like a plan?
What's the number one sign that the Apocalypse is upon us though? Well, I may have a budding social life in the romantic nature. Fingers crossed and all...but if all goes well, this will certainly be a sign that humanity is lost and the heavens will rain fire and serpents will swallow the Earth whole in a completely non-sexy manner. However, maybe that's just me being a little pessimistic...and maybe I'll just have a fun time with a beautiful lady...and who knows from there? Worst case, it falls through and I can grab me a haggis at the Scottish Festival tomorrow...or some fresh produce at Farmers Market. Have a great day everybody!!!
Be A Man Day - Two Indiana men have declared Monday "National Man Day" only to find there's already a romantic holiday that falls on that date. Nineteen-year-old Joel Longanecker (barely a man himself) and his 26-year-old brother Aaron have for months been rallying thousands to their masculine cause on Facebook. More than 260,000 people have pledged to "stand up and do manly things" on Man Day...but it turns out June 15 is also "Sneak a Kiss Day," a day for sweethearts to steal smooches from their sweeties. The Man Day organizers urge participants to take part in "manly" activities such as football, hunting or watching Rocky movies. They claim real men don't "sneak" kisses. True, real men don't sneak kisses...but we'll thieve the sh*t out of them & take what we can get. We'll pillage those kisses like Vikings sweeping across the globe. To the young men (I say because they're technically younger than me) who are leading this movement, Kudos!!! I will be sure to join your cause later today on Facebook...and do manly things on Monday. For example, I plan to wake up with a raging hard-on (and I mean RAGING!!!), scratch appropriately, take a morning deuce...with the door open, shower without a luffe, dress in manly attire, go to work for at least eight hours, admire the eye candy accordingly, buy lunch (as opposed to cook it), drive home, grill up a steak on the balcony (care to join me...ladies?), eat some potato chips with the fattiest dip that I can find, watch an R-rated movie starring some lady that I fantasize about having sex with, while drinking an alcoholic beverage...possibly simple rubbing alcohol...and maybe finish the day off with the clubbing of a baby seal. You know, just to show who runs this planet. Sorry, did I say baby seal? I meant hunt down some of these Burmese pythons and save the human race...again. Does that sound like a plan?What's the number one sign that the Apocalypse is upon us though? Well, I may have a budding social life in the romantic nature. Fingers crossed and all...but if all goes well, this will certainly be a sign that humanity is lost and the heavens will rain fire and serpents will swallow the Earth whole in a completely non-sexy manner. However, maybe that's just me being a little pessimistic...and maybe I'll just have a fun time with a beautiful lady...and who knows from there? Worst case, it falls through and I can grab me a haggis at the Scottish Festival tomorrow...or some fresh produce at Farmers Market. Have a great day everybody!!!
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