Make Sure It's Got a BIG Trunk

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night when I got home from work around midnight (again), my mom was there. She needed a ride to the airport…and her flight was delayed a bit so she stayed up to say hi and read her newspaper. What is it with older people taking HOURS to read a newspaper? I mean…when I read a newspaper (it's happened once or twice), it takes me about an hour maximum…and that's if I find something interesting. Is it just that I'm a fast reader? I sincerely doubt it. I'm certainly out of practice. That's why I watch so many movies based on books. So anyway, while she was doing that, I was watching one of my favorite movies "Sin City" on Spike TV. If you haven't seen this movie, it's fantastic. It's some of the greatest cheesy badass dialogue ever, lots of inner monologue, excellent visually despite being black & white with occasional splashes of color, flawed hero stories, and it's basically four shows in one. It's a fantastic flick. Anyway, watched that, slept a few hours, drove my mom to the airport, and then officially applied for the Denver job…so we'll see how that goes. I have a pretty good feeling about it (because I'm incredibly confident in my work ethic & optimistic at all times) but I have no idea who else applied…so we shall see. Could be the start of something awesome…which is good…because over the past few days, I've seen a few signs of the Apocalypse. Nothing to do with football either…like Tom Brady's knee buckling like a seat belt…or the Eagles well on their way to a perfect season…or the Falcons defying all the critics and getting ONE win this year (Chiefs still remain to be seen). Here are a few signs that peaked my interest...

Signs of the Apocalypse

Hail in Kenya - A huge hailstorm turned parts of central Kenya white, thrilling residents most of whom had never experienced such conditions. Hailstorms are usual in some parts of Kenya, which straddles the equator, but the ferocity of the storm in Busara, 255 km (158 miles) northwest of the capital was unprecedented. Excited villagers pelted each other with snowballs while some ate pieces of the icy sheet that formed over an entire hillside. "We thought a big white sheet had been spread, so we decided to come and see for ourselves. We thought that it was Jesus who had come back," one villager told reporters. That's right ladies & gentlemen. It's hailing at the equator in Afrika. It's been a while since I've seen "The Ten Commandments" but I believe hail was one of the early ones.

David Spade is a Father - David Spade is the father of Playboy playmate Jillian Grace's newborn daughter. The baby girl was born Aug. 26 in Missouri, and Spade plans to visit her on his first break from filming the CBS sitcom "Rules of Engagement," publicist Meredith O'Sullivan said. The 44-year-old comedian told TMZ.com earlier this year that he had a brief relationship with Grace, and would accept responsibility if confirmed to be the father of her child. So not only is David Spade a father…but he impregnated a playmate. I assume alcohol was involved because…well, just look at him. This is a good picture. Sure, I've heard that being funny gets you laid once in a while...but again, this is David Spade we're talking about.

Gary Coleman is in Utah - In Payson UT, Actor Gary Coleman hit a pedestrian with his truck after arguing with him in a local bowling alley, police said. Lt. Bill Wright said Colt Rushton and Coleman got into an argument in the early morning hours Saturday over pictures Rushton had taken of Coleman inside the bowling alley. He said the argument continued outside and that Coleman hit Rushton and a car as he was backing out of a parking space. Neither man was issued a citation, and Wright said it wasn't clear whether Coleman hit Rushton on purpose. He said neither man was giving authorities much information. Why would they? They have no control. Gary Coleman has been out of work except for a few check cashing commercials for twenty years now…and idle hands do the Devil's work. He was possessed. Why else would he be in Payson of all places?

Man in Wheelchair Steals Condoms - A robber rolled into a Dallas convenience store armed with a bat and a knife. Dallas police said Friday that a man in a wheelchair entered a Dallas 7-Eleven Wednesday afternoon, rolled straight toward the cash register and beat it with a baseball bat until it opened…but he didn't grab any cash. Instead, police say he stole 10 boxes of condoms and an energy drink before making his getaway. Police suspect he may have been homeless and was likely intoxicated at the time of the robbery. Sounds to me like he was planning on having a surprisingly good night. Maybe he was hoping to see if the energy drink lives up to its promise…and fly away…perhaps to achieve a life's dream of joining the Mile High Club. By the way, if I do end up moving to Denver…and (God willing) have sex, am I officially a member of the Mile High Club? I would think so…but I don't know if there's a rule book on that sort of thing. Anyway, a guy in a wheelchair is stealing condoms. Does anybody find this a little…confusing? He didn't even go for the cash register…or the Coke slurpees…or something else that he could enjoy.

Polar Bears Go Green - In an incredible act of protest over the destruction of their native homeland, three normally white polar bears at Higashiyama Zoo and Botanical Gardens in central Japan changed their color in July after swimming in a pond with an overgrowth of algae. The sight of green polar bears has prompted many questions from visitors concerned about whether the animals are sick or carrying mold, zoo official Masami Kurobe said Sunday. "Visitors seem to be shocked by the color, and we are asked every day why they are so green," he said. The zoo has been saying that due to high temperatures in July and August and less-frequent water changes because of the zoo's conservation efforts, there has been algae growth in the bear pond and safety moat. Algae that enters hollow spaces in the bears' fur is allegedly hard to rinse off. The bears are expected to return to their natural color when the algae growth subsides in November…or when their arctic tundra is no longer ravaged by oil companies and destroyed by global warming. My guess is that November will come first. The animals are revolting against the establishment. This is yet another sign.

Smokey the Bear - In the lovely city of Panguitch UT, a large black bear has been frequenting a clandestine marijuana growing operation so often that it chased the grower away. Garfield County Sheriff Danny Perkins said, "This bear is definitely law-enforcement minded. If I can find this bear I'm going to deputize him." Deputies found food containers ripped apart and strewn everywhere, cans with bear teeth marks, claw marks and bear prints across the Garfield County camp on Tuesday. Perkins said the operation on Boulder Mountain included 4,000 "starter" sacks of pot and 888 young plants (my God, how did I miss that along the drives to Vegas?). "This particular bear apparently was not going to give up and basically chased these marijuana farmers away. Our county is so tough on drugs that even the wildlife are getting in on the action." Oh really, Sherriff Perkins? Is that what you think? You think that this is some kind of narc hero bear who just stumbled upon an illegal drug operation…and chased off the horticulturists? That's the only possible logical explanation? A hero bear? Ridiculous! I'm going to tell you what happened. Smokey here, was a-walkin' through the forest, when he stumbled upon "The Mother Load" of the stickiest of the icky. Now, being smarter than the average bear…and much larger than the average human, he wanted to have a little pic-a-nic…but I'm sure the farmers had other ideas and tried to shoo him off by banging pans or maybe firing a warning shot (check for shotgun shells). This only infuriated the already blitzed-out-of-his-skull bear…and caused him to go into a murderous rampage of savage attacks. Unfortunately, being really high, to him it was a ferocious berserker attack…but to the farmers, it was a clumsy stumbling bear coming straight towards them. To shoot the bear would bring the fuzz…and an immediate end to their operation…as well as other charges of shooting protected wildlife. So they took the high road (rim shot) and abandoned camp…hoping to return once the bear has had his fill…and wandered off somewhere. Time passes…and the forest service stumbles upon this camp shortly after the bear wanders off (after ravaging the camp for munchies) but before the farmers can return. Obviously that's more likely than some kind of bear with heroic notions trying to save the forest from pot pushers. Agreed? So to summarize what you're saying then, if you found this naturally-violent pothead of a bear, you would deputize him, give him a gun, give him the authority to kill in the name of Justice, and let him loose on the public? You disgust me. Perhaps you misread the Second Amendment. It's the right for Americans to bear arms…not for Americans to arm bears, especially those that enjoy reggae. Ja bless.

Well, that should do it for today. These stories have filled my heart with dread…as I'm sure that have you. Now I must go to my local grocer and stock up on water, dry goods, and toilet paper…or at the very least, paper towels. Huh, a thought just occurred to me. When you're in an underground bunker, like when there's a nuclear war going on outside, where does your waste go? I mean…do you just throw all of it in a corner…or a large Tupperware keeper or something? Perhaps I should take precautions for that. Oh wait, they probably have one of those cool tubes like at the bank where it'll just launch your feces to the surface. That makes sense. Anyway, have a great day everybody!!! The end is nigh!!!