Making Good Better

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Still no word on Denver (just to get that out of the way) but I'm still very optimistic…and may be having a Going Away Party this weekend…so keep your schedules open just in case. There will be booze. Lots of it. I got some reassuring words from my sister-in-law about the move. She asked if I had heard anything…and of course, I hadn't…but I asked her, "You in a hurry to get me outta here?" "No, I just want you to be happier…and make me some nieces & nephews someday. Maybe it'll be with a Denver cheerleader." Very reassuring words…but then again, I am dead sexy and will be wearing suits all the time. If there's one thing that I've learned from my youth, every girl's crazy about a sharp dressed man. Hopefully she's got legs…and knows how to use them as well…because I'm a rough boy…just lookin' for some tush…wearing cheap sunglasses...while my head's in Mississippi. Did I miss any? Ah, that's enough for now. Oh yeah, viva Las Vegas.

After finishing the first season of "Californication" (with still no intention of getting Showtime, I might add), I went to work and had lunch with Lilie at Chubby Toad's (basically just had their mashed potaters with red pepper reduction sauce). While standing in line, I saw somebody that I thankfully hadn't seen in a long, long time. I don't believe I've given him a name on this blog yet…and he's among my least favorite people, so kind of an arch nemesis (though I would destroy him easily) we'll call him…LeDouche. Now, I do a great job of doing the cordial motions of social interaction. "Hello $teve, how are you doing?" "I'm doing good. How about you? What have you been up to?" And as he talks about the company that he works for…I find myself smiling a little bit…thinking to myself, "I was with your little sister in a sexual manner." See? That's just how I roll. What I lack in quantity of sexual partners, I more than make up for in supreme quality. It's just the way that I've always been. Reach for the stars and sometimes you get the moon. Feet on the ground, head in the clouds. Anyway, a few moments later he stopped talking about whatever…so I said b-bye and ordered me some taters. As Lilie & I sat down, I started laughing to myself. Why? Because Billy Idol's "Rock the Cradle of Love" came on the background music…and there was a bit of age difference between his sister and me...and it struck me as funny. That's why. Anyway, enough about my creepy side. Here's the news…

The Quick & The Lead - Speaking of shenanigans with young girls, an angry Deltona, Florida father whacked his teenage daughter's boyfriend with a metal pipe after finding the boy naked in his daughter's room. Authorities say the 45-year old father didn't even know his daughter had a boyfriend or that the youngster had been sneaking into the home for more than a year. When he heard noises coming from his daughter's bedroom Thursday morning and saw a stranger standing naked on the girl's bed, he swung a metal pipe. He then chased the teen out the front door and called police. The boy was taken to the hospital where doctors closed a head wound with staples. The father was charged with aggravated battery on a child and bonded out on $10,000. Over a YEAR? What kind of alcoholic father is this? It didn't say how young the daughter was in the article either...just a teenager. That could be between 13 and 19. That maaaay plan a part in how I feel about the whole situation…but yeah, kind of a messed up situation.

Brings back fond memories of when my stepsister (who was 15 at the time) would bring dates by my dad's house when I was visiting on the weekends. We would always think that was the appropriate time to perform standard upkeep on my dad's weapons. Whether it was cleaning a wide array of handguns and rifles, checking the accuracy of his crossbow, or sharpening his large stabbing devices, it would always seem to fall on a Saturday night…when she had a date. I remember one time in particular, her beau for the evening was 23 years old. Again, she was fifteen. Needless to say, we didn't approve…so we had a LOT of fun with that guy. My dad was showing off his ability to spin a Bowie knife in his hand and then immediately execute a torso slash. After cleaning the barrel and reassembling this 16 gauge rifle he had, I'd point it in his direction…and click the trigger a few times to make sure everything works correctly. My dad would casually mention his extensive training with the military police, covert trips to El Salvador, over a decade as a sharpshooting sheriff (with trophies to back it up), working with the K-9 unit, and then throw in some story about having to exact justice on a rapist that may or may not have been based in fact. We only saw him the one time. My brother has a large array of weapons for this purpose as well. He has daughters now…and he's even crazier than my dad. Just a little warning to all you gentlemen out there looking for the next cute young thang. Stay in your age demographic…and you had better show her the proper respect. The Western Utah desert is a BIIIIIIIIG place…and there's a lot of holes out there…but not as many as there used to be, if you catch my drift. Anyway, we've got a few years before we have to worry about my future heartbreakin' nieces Kelaudri & Kairi. Oh…and Kairi's already learning how to use a knife. She has the skills of a five year old already.

What's Better Than Chocolate? - Police closed down a Berlin sweet shop after discovering the owner was selling chocolates and lollipops laced with hallucinogenic mushrooms and marijuana. The 23-year old owner of the shop in the trendy east Berlin district of Prenzlauer Berg, an area known for its vibrant night life, was taken into custody on suspicion of drug-dealing. "In the shop we found 120 pieces of magic mushroom chocolate and countless cannabis lollipops," said police…and keep in mind that they're German…so "countless" is a LOT for those brilliant engineers. The inventory confiscated includes around 70 sachets containing various drugs, about 20 marijuana joints, a range of pills and some jars of drug-laced honey (and you thought Winnie the Pooh was just naturally lethargic). Police said one customer, who appeared intoxicated, was arrested after trying to buy a bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms from an officer in the shop. Those ingenious Germans. They really like their chocolate. Always looking to make good better and better best. Or I guess, guet gueter und gueter am Besten.

Is Three Better Than Two? - A team of toilet-paper researchers (Haha mom, they do exist!!!) at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah, Wisconsin have come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product. The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time." Industry analyst Bill Schmitz is skeptical. He said extra layers make toilet paper stronger, not softer, although he said Georgia Pacific may have added extra fibers for softness. I may just have to try it out for comparison. I mean…who doesn't like a good firm roll of toilet tissue in their hands? Spend a few minutes in the bathroom bouncing quarters off those lovely flower-patterned sheets of sensuality. However, I've found that when its squeezably soft, it's much more comforting on those tender areas. Still trippin' a bit that there are actual toilet-paper researchers out there. My guidance counselor sucks. Also, any women out there over 45, do you REALLY view your bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time"? I'm pretty sure that if I asked my mom what she thinks about the bathroom, it would be something along the lines of "Why do men have such terrible aim?" or "I shouldn't have had so many tacos" or something along those lines. Hardly a calming experience…but she may be the minority. She usually is.

Last Shot of Guinness - Trafalgar Square in merry olde London hosted some of the stars of the latest edition of "Guinness World Records 2009" which hits stands today. Twenty-year old He Pingping of China, who stands two feet, 5.37 inches tall was in attendance as well as Svetlana Pankratova who sports the longest legs on a woman at 52 inches long (rrrrrrrrr…) and here's a picture of the pair. As for the rest of the record holders, you'll just have to get the book…and be among the millions that get a copy every year. I haven't received my official letter from them notifying me of my title of Sexiest Blogger Alive…but I'm sure it's on the way. Have a great day everybody!!!