What a Twist!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

(Deep Sigh…) So still no word on the Denver job…but I did get a lovely email saying that the hiring manager didn't forget about me. It has just been really busy (good for the company) and he still had a few interviews to do…so he should be letting me know by the close of business today. Again, I'm sorry that I can't spread the knowledge…but believe me, nobody wants to know more about this job than I do. Patience, my pretty pretties. Patience.

Other than that, last night I downloaded "Jeopardy!" onto my PS3 so now I can show Alex Trebek who's boss before I take his job. That's right you crazy Canuck!!! It's easy to be condescending when you have all the answers at your fingertips. You legendary Geraldo-lookin' sum'bich!!! I'm just kidding. I love Trebek. Who doesn't? Probably Pat Sajak...maybe Wink Martindale too. Chuck Woolery is just too cool to care. Anyway, I'll let you know how it is.

This morning, I'm watching one of my favorite movie from when I was a kid, "Necessary Roughness" with Scott Bakula, Hector Elizondo, Sinbad, former presidential nominee candidate whatever Fred Thompson, and hotchuma hotchuma Kathy Ireland. It's about a university football team that had a majority of the team suspended...so they replace them with an eclectic bunch of characters including a quarterback in his thirties, crazy Marines for linebackers, and the sexiest placekicker EVER (sexier than Beckham). Have you seen "The Replacements" with Keanu & Gene Hackman? It's pretty much like that...but about a decade earlier and in college. It's pretty good. Now for the news...

What a Twist! - Of all the No. 1 songs in the 50 years of the Billboard Hot 100 chart, Chubby Checker's "The Twist" ranks as the most popular single. Elvis, Led Zeppelin, and the Beatles didn't even make the top five. Checker's ranking may come as a surprise to some, but not to the classic rocker. "I'm glad they've finally recognized it," said Checker of his early 1960s hit. He compared "The Twist" to the creation of the telephone as a groundbreaking moment because he said it was the first time people were dancing "apart to the beat." "Anyplace on the planet, when someone has a song that has a beat, they're on the floor dancing apart to the beat, and before Chubby Checker, it wasn't here, and I think that has a lot to do with me being on the charts." A little conceited…but whatever gets him through the day. Congratulations Chubby!!! You may be saying, "Really? The Twist? I wonder what else made the list." Well, here’s the top 10:

1. "The Twist" by Chubby Checker - Tell me, does he say "Come on little bitch…and do the twist" in the chorus? I've honestly tried to analyze that song for a long time to find out…and there's really nothing else that I could come up with.


2. "Smooth" by Santana & Rob Thomas - Loves this song because you can cha-cha to it…but #2? I do a mean karaoke of it too…while doing the cha-cha


3. "Mack the Knife" by Bobby Darin - Wow!!! Would have never guessed.


4. "How Do I Live" by Leann Rimes - Trisha Yearwood's version gets no love. I personally blame my "Catcher in the Rye" for this, the movie "Con Air" for its popularity


5. "The Macarena" by Los Del Rio - Actually thought this would be number one


6. "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John - There is simply no f**king way that this list is legit. There's not a person alive that likes this song. Olivia even says it's crap…and she was in Xanadu. She knows what she's talking about.


7. "You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone - Can't hate on this song. Can't even try.


8. "Hey Jude" by the Beatles - I think this song makes every Top 10 list ever made about music…but it's actually not one of my favorite Beatles tracks at all. Just my opinion though. Still a great song.


9. "We Belong Together" by Mariah Carey - Really? Of all Mimi's record-breaking seventeen #1 hits, this song gets it?


10. "Unbreak My Heart" by Toni Braxton - Watch the next Dancing with the Stars…and I really like this song
    

Now for the explanation of the list - Geoff Mayfield, director of charts at Billboard Magazine said, "This is simply a chronicle of how each of these songs performed in their era on the Hot 100. We're not saying these are the most memorable songs of your life. That would be something that's almost impossible to determine. Everyone has a subjective frame of reference." So it means nothing except to stir controversy among the readers…and it is an intriguing eclectic mix of songs. Seriously though, "Physical"? I'll be five bucks that somebody dared somebody to put it on the list just to see what would happen…and then somebody higher up on a Bluetooth said, "Hahaha. I love it. Roll with it."

The City that Runs on Crap - The city of San Antonio (clap clap clap clap deep in the heaaaaaart of Texas) unveiled a deal on Tuesday that will make it the first U.S. city to harvest methane gas from human waste on a commercial scale and turn it into clean-burning fuel. San Antonio residents produce about 140,000 tons a year of a substance gently referred to as "biosolids," which can be reprocessed into natural gas. The city approved a deal where Massachusetts-based Ameresco Inc will convert the city's biosolids into natural gas, which could generate about 1.5 million cubic feet per day. (Just think about that visual for a moment…over a MILLION cubic feet…of distilled farts) Methane gas, which is a byproduct of human and organic waste, is a principal component of the natural gas used to fuel furnaces, power plants, and other combustion-based generators. "The private vendor will come onto the facility, construct some gas cleaning systems, remove the moisture, remove the carbon dioxide content, and then sell that gas on the open market," said COO of the city's water system Steve Clouse. Now, this is an incredible project and I wish San Antonio nothing but the best in this venture. It's simply ground-breaking and can only do good for the environment. Kudos to you. I'm just stuck on the fact that…if my math is correct, that's a MILLION POUNDS OF SOLID FECES EACH DAY. That's a lot of Tex-Mex and steaks powering the city. I wonder if jalapenos help in the process. Would Nebraska be able to do this kind of project with all the corn that they eat? That's right, I'm resorting to poop jokes now. Simply amazing…and I think more cities should hop on this…pending of course that it actually works. I mean…it's recycled food…like Judge Dredd. Remember?

Good Thing About Global Warming - In the meantime, until other major cities recycle their dung, there is one good thing about Global Warming. Some 5,000 years ago a prehistoric person trod high up in what is now the Swiss Alps, wearing goat leather pants, leather shoes and armed with a bow and arrows. The unremarkable journey through the Schnidejoch pass, a lofty trail some 9,000 feet above sea level, has been a boon to scientists but it would never have emerged if climate change were not melting the nearby glacier. So far, 300 objects dating as far back as the Neolithic or New Stone Age (4,000 BC) to the later Bronze and Iron Ages and the Medieval era have been found in the site's former ice fields. They have allowed researchers not only to piece together snapshots of life way back when, but also to shed light on climate fluctuations in the past 6,500 years and hopefully shed light on what is happening now. See? Life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Life gives you unusual high temperatures across the globe resulting in rising water levels and melting glaciers and polar caps, you enjoy the new oceanside property a few miles inland. It's like when spring comes and the snow melts in your front yard…and you find that Frisbee that you lost back in November…and maybe those car keys that you lost so you had to break into your own house and the cops were called and you spent a night in jail because you didn't have your ID on you and the cops didn't believe who you were until they ran your fingerprints but you had already spent the night in jail with your new friend Willie and you're completely ashamed of yourself because he told you dance the Macarena but you tried to say that you didn't know it and he yelled "Bullsh*t!!! Everybody knows the Macarena" and he and the rest of your cellmates beat your ass for about ten minutes before that douche officer showed up because your wife confirmed your identity. It's kind of like that. Discovering lost things when the snow melts…and this is much better for historians than those other scenarios that I described.

Well, that'll do it for today. Tune in next week, same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel, when we find the thrilling answer to "Will $teve Join the Mile High Club and/or Move to Denver?" I'll also have some pictures of my drunken family reunion in the middle of the desert (so you KNOW there'll be explosions and possibly nudity), more stories of everyday things told in a silly and absurd manner, and a declaration of where I shall be employed for the next little while…whether here in Slick City…or in the Mile High City of Denver, which is where I believe the story of Hamlet is set…but I could be wrong. Have a great weekend everybody!!!