Delta Family Reunion 2009

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Friday

STILL no word on job. Just thought that I'd get that out of the way to begin with...and bid you the courtesy that I was denied this day. Yeah, so I spent most of the day around the house packing (again) and not really doing much. I did watch a movie that I wanted to for a while...but the planets never aligned or something. It's "S1MONE" with Al Pacino & Catherine Keener. The story is a down & out movie director (Pacino) is making a film when his spoiled brat of an actress (Winona Ryder) quits on him, leaving him to take the fall with the studio. Well, as Fate would have it, that night a computer geek (Elias Koteas?) gives him a computer program where he can CG a replacement actress. Of course, being the sexy cyber puppet of an artistic genius, she delivers an Oscar worthy performance...and the nation, if not WORLD is captivated by her performance. So the director uses her again, in his next film...which was his artsy fartsy pet project that the studio wouldn't let him do before Simone signed on. Yet another incredible performance. Then she (or rather the director) decides to break into music and go on tour (lots of smoke & mirrors for a hologram) and so on...and along the way, the director starts going a little schizo and starts kind of thinking of Simone (hotchuma hotchuma Rachel Roberts) as a real person...and well, it goes from there. I don't want to spoil the ending. Basically, it's just a great little movie about...well, image is everything in Hollywood, not substance...and it's just kind of funny to see how people react...and know that it would really go down that way when/if it happens. I think I briefly mentioned this movie a few months ago when I was telling you that I (and several others) was fairly certain that Rihanna was a robot. They have yet to work out the kinks in the system to get her into movies...but really, has anybody out there actually physically touched Rihanna? If so, let me know...and I'll let this rumor die...for now.

Later in the day, I finally got picked up for the drive to Delta for my family reunion at a piece of property they have in the middle fo the desert. See, it's my mother's side family reunion...and she's one of seventeen children...and they each had an average of about four children...and now those kids are having grandchildren...and so there's several hundred people in the family...and I know about half of them because they meet on holidays...and for the last twelve years or so, I've worked holidays, so anyone that doesn't have a driver's license then I've probably never seen them before or know their names. Regardless of that, all the older ones remember me...and the younger ones want to play with me because I'm a lot of fun (even though usually start off by saying, "Oh hi there little guy, whose kid are you?"). Here's some pictures of the drive...

My family is a bunch of drunken hillbilly fun. That's really all that can be said about that. We got there just around nightfall so we (my brother & I) had to deal with the mosquitoes while putting up the trailer and tents for all the ladyfolk while they traded babies to oogle over. I was really the odd man out...because I had no baby nor significant other...so why was I doing all the work for the trip? Because I'm a sucker...and it's family I guess. I mean...who else was going to set my mom up with a bed? My stepdad didn't come (we wouldn't have done anything anyway) because he was judging a model train contest. I'm not joking. Anyway, lots of fun around the campfire. Here are the pictures...

Fire + Alcohol = Shenanigans

This is how you chop firewood...

and yes, the part he's standing on was in the fire earlier

After a few alcoholic beverages, I made my way to quite possibly the worst sleeping arrangments in a long, long time. I had a sleeping bag made for a five-foot-six man, a pillow covered in baby vomit, and some of the coldest & most jagged ground that you would imagine for a mattress. Again, I guess I was the odd man out...because everybody else got little mattresses...except for me. Even the alcohol didn't help with my comfort level. I slept for MAYBE two hours...and that was when the sun came up.

Saturday

I woke up sore all over...and I was hungry...so fried up some hash browns & bacon (mmm bacon) and basically did whatever was asked of me...because again, being an able bodied man who won't tell his family to go f**k themselves, they decided to ask me instead of everybody else whose responsibility it was...just because they didn't want to cause a fuss. By the way, this was on no sleep, with a sore everything, and running off a handful of browned taters and three strips of bacon. I basically felt horrible all day, still did everything asked...and as I've mentioned before, I don't handle heat well. Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't get a job in Vegas. I'd probably hibernate in summer except to go to work. At the very least, turn nocturnal. See? It all happens for a reason.

Kairi loves to help

Kelaudri always poses for Uncle $teve's Pics

"Show me ferocious. You're a Tiger!!!"

Vinny eating a banana

Blackmail for when he's a bratty teenager

This heartbreaker doing his Uncle $teve impersonation

Maybe Kairi watches too much Grand Theft Auto

"Get outta the f**king car!!!"

Later on, my brother, sister-in-law, niece Kairi, and I ventured into the city of Delta...which a shopping list and absolutely no directions. Not that we didn't ask (a few dozen times) but my mother and everybody else get easily distracted by shiny things...and there was a lot of them when the sun was out. "Hey mom, how do we get into town?" "Oh you just take this road back the way you came and then you turn...OOOOH, look at that baby!" Repeat for about an hour and then just say f**k it and drive towards trees...because where there are trees, there's water, and where there's water there's usually a city. I was unable to get pictures of this mystical river of glowing green water, but I just wanted to mention it because it was either runoff from all the pesticide or the nearby power plant...but it seriously looking like a river of that ooze from the TMNT movies. Anyway, here are the rest of the pictures...

Frank the Rabbit?

Delta Drug from a moving vehicle

After stopping at Subway for some real food (spicy italian with chipotle sw & pepper jack & banana peppers), we headed back to camp just in time for Bingo, a spaghetti dinner and Halloween dress up. Here are more pictures...

We may be hillbillies...but we're gonna watch

BYU destroy UCLA!!!

Congratulations to the Utes too!!!

That's a fully loaded golf cart

Mom, Captain Adorable, and the Fairy Princess

Big deal Spidey, I shoot a sticky web too...

Grandma as Bob the Builder

Ashley as On-The-Raggedy Ann

HIDE THE CHILDREN!!!

Need I say more?

The Candy Cannon

Though we tried for several hours (kept getting asked to do other things) to pack up our stuff so that my brother & I could take my niece & nephew home (no sleep either and therefore also cranky), we finally drove home around sunset. I was not feeling well at all by this point...because I hadn't slept in a long time...and was basically my family's gopher all day...and that sucked...but whatever, it was good fun at times. We stopped in Nephi to get some food...and my brother talked afterwards about hallucinating while driving (though I offered to drive). It's a good thing that he told me afterwards, I guess. Oh...then he basically kidnapped me so that he wouldn't have to watch his kids & clean up his van alone. Oh and he has no other friends to hang out with...and I may be moving away soon. Anyway, at least I got to take a shower and I slept in HIS bed while he slept on the couch. So I got that at least. Slept for a long time...probably ten hours...and it was good.

Sunday

I woke up fairly refreshed but still a little sore. I basically watched football until the kids woke up around noon...and then watched them after that. We also went to see my buddy since 2nd grade, Isaiah. He's getting married in less than two weeks (again) and I also told him about Denver...and the possibility of moving there. "You're still coming to the wedding, right?" "Of course! You're just going to have to come visit me in Denver now...you know, when you can cut off the ball & chain." I'm just playing. I like his wife much better this time around. She's really good for him. Anyway, here are some pictures from that visit...

Proof that we Loves make big, beautiful babies...

Then I was released from my kidnapper's hold by driving back to my Uncle Doug & Aunt Missy's house to pick up my sister-in-law (didn't come back with us the night before). Doug & Missy are a lot of fun. They're about ten years older than I am...and have kids that I used to babysit...but are now bratty fifteen year old girls. We basically just caught up on football and shot the sh*t for a few minutes while there. See, my Uncle Doug has been a huge Raiders fan for a while (poor guy). He was even at the Raiders Monday night game last week (where they were embarassed by the Broncos) but he was overjoyed to hear that they had beaten the Chiefs earlier in the day...so they are officially NOT the worst team in the NFL. It was very reassuring to him and his loyalty. Oh by the way, the Eagles are the best team in football. It doesn't matter that they're undefeated and are going to beat the Cowboys tonight...but both Bone Junior & I can't possibly be wrong. So statistically & morally, it's true. Just deal with it.

After finally making it home, I was a little bored, so I invited JL Clyde over to hang out and watch some bad movies On Demand. The first caught our attention because it involved zombies. "Fido" is set in an alternative 1950's world where there was the Great Zombie War...and in the aftermath, they found a way to domesticate zombies...and basically use them as nannies, paperboys, gardeners, and other medial task jobs. Now, this centers around the story of a family (parents are Dylan Baker & Carrie Anne-Moss and a little boy) who get a zombie housekeeper (Billy Connolly) and basically, he's like the family pet...and helps the boy out with bullies, becomes his friend, and has "feelings" for the mother. Oh yeah, there's implied zombie nookie with one of the neighbors Mr. Theopolis (Tim Blake Nelson) and his young undead housekeeper Tammy. It's a great little flick...like a mix of Pleasantville, Lassie, and Dawn of the Dead. Definitely one of the best zombie movies ever, in my personal opinion...and I would have never looked past the title. "Fido? That sounds like a lame Disney show about a courageous cocker spaniel or something. What? Zombies?" Check it out.

We also decided to watch another movie...and this one had werewolves and was called "Ginger Snaps 2" starring...who the hell knows, it was a low budget horror flick. Now, we were a little worried that we hadn't seen the original Ginger Snaps...but then we realized it was a werewolf movie...and exactly how much backstory could you possibly need? In the original, her sister was turned into a werewolf...so she had to kill her...but she's a werewolf now...and the original werewolf is chasing her down to mate with her (oh yeah) and has to shoot wolfsbane to keep from changing. However, her sister (either in spirit or a kind of delusional schizophrenia) keeps telling her that she's changing (and giving us some insight into the backstory). Anyway, while shooting up the wolfsbane at a motel, somebody stumbles upon her and thinks that she's doing drugs...then the main werewolf chasing her shows up, she gets knocked out or something...and wakes up in detox. Of course, they keep her from shooting up the wolfsbane...and it has negative consequences as you can probably guess. She befriends a crazy little blonde girl named Ghost and she tries to help her out...but she's just a little kid...and the male werewolf is getting closer. It's actually a very well done movie for the budget...and it was kind of intriguing at times...and crazy at others. However, the only actor in the movie that I was able to identify was the "bitchy teenager crack whore" named Beth-Ann. Her real name is Pascale Hutton and she played the superhottie Katrina in the pilot of "Psych" which I love like a fat kid loves cake. Anyway, great werewolf flick...and I would highly recommend it to anybody who likes those good low budget horror movies.

Well, hope that you enjoyed the pictures of my trip...and analysis of bad horror flicks. I'll keep you posted when/if I hear anything on the job in Denver...but I've basically given up waiting so it'll be a pleasant surprise when/if I hear from them. I mean...as long as it's in the next few months, it's better than Vegas, right? Have a groovy day everybody!!!