Birds Do It, Bees Do It

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I really didn't do much except walk around in the rain in the early day then watch TV (mostly "Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe") until Filly showed up around 5:30 PM. She stopped by just as I was watching a "Tank Girl" starring Lori Petty (as Gwen Stefani?), Ice T, Naomi Watts (I know, Naomi Watts? Really?) and Malcolm McDowell. My brother used to watch this movie incessantly when it first came out. I think he had a crush on Lori Perry (whereas I liked the nerdy turned sex kitten Naomi Watts) but he watched it A LOT so I became a little numb of it...and hadn't watched it since the mid-90's. The story is set in 2033 in a post-apolocolyptic world (watch a lot of movies with that setting) and a comet hit the Earth making water a scarce commodity. One megacompany headed by an evil man (McDowell) owns a vast majority of the water and has a dictator-like grip over the rest of the world. Alas there are a few rebels (Perry) who try to live free. Honestly though, this is just a wild & crazy movie based on a comic book and it's actually kind of a fun story involving a lot of one-liners, kangaroo men, reincarnation, "some British guy", remote control tanks, interspecies erotica, a musical number of "Let's Do It" and just overall craziness. I would recommend it if you haven't seen it...but just remember that it's based on a comic book and meant to be ridiculous...like Ice T as a half-man / half-kangaroo in an attempt to make the perfect soldier. Intrigued? Thought so.

Filly hung out for a few hours before everybody else came for my Labor Pains Rock Band Party to celebrate Labor Day. We watched some TV and babbled about this and that. Then JL Clyde, E*Star, Cat, Casanova, and even Lilie showed up after midnight and we had an awesome time. Casanova is truly a spirited performer...and hilarious. Thanks to everybody for stopping by!!! Here's some news...

Huge Shout-Out to the Mayor of Mitchieville for his Shout-Out on his (and his minions) award-winning blog. Thank you for the kind words, Mr. Mayor. Check it out...but only if you like hilarity. Otherwise, it's kind of boring and wordy...oh wait, just like me. You're gonna love it. As far as the nude Polaroids of our wives posted on the web, I'm afraid you are mistaken. She's not my wife...but I'm glad that you've done your research.

Malaysian Nut Wrap - No, not the Tuesday Special at your favorite exotic deli...but rather the story of a man who wanted more. A Malaysian welder had to have a nut removed from around his penis after an attempt to lengthen it before he gets engaged next week went embarrassingly wrong. The nut got stuck on his penis following an erection, forcing him to seek help at a hospital in southern Johor state. Staff from the Sultanah Aminah hospital had to drain some blood from the penis and cut away a top layer of skin before the object could be removed. It said the fire and rescue department were also involved in trying to remove the nut from the unnamed welder ("WE'VE GOT A BLEEDER!!!") who is in his 20s and hoped the nut would weigh down his penis to make it longer. "The patient is now recovering and we hope to discharge him today (Sunday)," hospital director Daud Abdul Rahim told the Star. On August 25, another young man in Kuala Lumpur had tried to increase his sexual prowess by slipping a steel ring around his penis, forcing the fire department to cut off the ring after doctors were unable to remove it. Boy, am I glad that I don't have to worry about that kind of stuff. I'm actually a little surprised he was able to fit it in there...but it's a stereotype, I guess. Like all Asian being good at math. Even Asian elephants. Check out the link. It's quite entertaining. Anyway, see, ladies? Some guys'll do whatever it takes. However guys, keep this in mind. How do you think his honeymoon is going to go now that he had to be through such a traumatic experience to his Wang? The physical and emotional scarring, I don't dare to imagine. Then again, maybe the scars give it a more natural ribbing action... (shiver) ah, probably not. Just get a pack of Trojans. They're safer...and 99.9% effective (allegedly).

Shot Through the Heart - South Korea's top male and female archers capped gold medal performances at the Beijing Olympics by announcing wedding plans just as the games ended. Park Sung-hyun, 25, who led the women's team to a gold medal and won an individual silver in Beijing, is to marry Park Kyung-mo, 33, (no relation...yet) who had similar success at the Games. "The exact date hasn't been decided yet but, yes, they are dating each other and planning to get married," said an official from the Korea Archery Association. The two, known for their cool composure in competition, struck up a relationship while training for the Olympics. They surprised team mates and coaches by announcing at a Beijing restaurant that they were engaged. South Korean archers have dominated the sport at the Olympics for years. The two Parks have won a total of five Olympic gold medals and two silvers from Beijing and the 2004 Games in Athens. Groom-to-be Park Kyung-mo was quoted by the association as telling reporters: "Now that it's known to everyone, I hope people will welcome the news. Please give as much attention to archery as you give to us." Good luck with that. You know, I was thinking during the Olympics (as I usually do) of how to make some sports more appealing...and archery could use a tune up. Sure, it's cool that you can hit a stationary target at x-hundred yards. Oooh, good for you. Let's say we keep that an event...for tradition's sake...but then add a few other events. "But $teve, what other archery events would you suggest to the IOC?"

• Moving Target Shoot - Automatic rolling targets going by at x-hundred meters and competitors try to hit them. Simple enough, right? Honestly, they may already have this event there...but if not, they should.


• Trick Shooting - We've all seen the YouTube videos & America's Got Talent where hot, flexible archers shoot arrows with their legs. How about competitive trick shooting? Extra merit for incorporated gymnastics, flexibility, rolling, badassery, a ricochet or two ("Off the wall, off the 2nd judge, nothing but bull's eye"), maybe split an arrow or two in half, whatever. The only limit is your imagination...and maybe your abilities...and some laws of physics.


• Duck Hunt - I hate to bring animals into dangers way for the sake of my amusement...but it's about the ratings...and paying homage to a classic video game. We release two to three birds at a time, giving the archers three arrows to hit as many as they can (we can use roboducks if it makes you feel any better). Point awarded for hits...and unlike the video game, you can shoot the laughing dog, you just won't get any extra point...but probably a round of applause from the crowd.


• Hunt Medley - Okay, so I honestly don't know a good name for this event...and I like the word "Medley" but don't completely understand it's meaning...but this is a slightly better name than "Archery Deathmatch" or some other working titles. Basically, you can have individuals or a team event...where there's an environment...possibly in the woods or some kind of location with hiding places or whatever. It's a single-elimination tournament, where if you get tagged with an arrow, you're out. Last person standing (or rather hiding in a corner) gets the gold. It's like paintball...but with bigger balls...with pointed ends traveling at incredible speeds. No need for judges to determine whether it was a hit or not. The scars tell the tale. Anyway, these are just a few suggestions. Oh yeah...and congratulations to the Parks for finding Love in the workplace.
  
  

Panda Update - Remember Lun Lun, the Atlanta Panda in labor for Labor Day? Well, the little hairless bundle of joy was born Saturday. Zookeepers won't know the sex of the cub for a few weeks until Lun Lun lets them touch her baby, said Megan Wilson, assistant curator of carnivores at the zoo. For now, the proud mom is cradling and nursing her cub just as she did with Mei Lan. the zoo's first cub born almost two years ago. Anyway, just an update to let you know that everything smoothly. As usual, the naming will be in a hundred days...and my suggestion is Ling Ling...but nobody else seems to think that's cool thanks to "Drawn Together", oh well. Eventually they've gotta run out of other names, right?

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Busy day at work...so typing three words a minute between jobs makes my stagnant thoughts less readable. Hope everybody's having a groovy day!!! If not, holla. Hopefully I'll be able to cheer ya up a little bit. Reverend Al Green tomorrow. Peace...