The Most Interesting Athlete in the World

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Wednesday night, I watched “Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer” starring Michael Rooker on Netflix. I had this sitting in my disc queue for a while as I had heard it mentioned a few times before as kind of an underground slasher flick. So, here’s the story that I gathered. The movie was shot in Chicago in 1986 on a budget of like… $100,000. However, the movie was considered so dark & violent & graphic at the time… that it took almost three years of appeals to make it releasable to the public after its initial screenings at some festivals. The story is based on the confessions of serial killer Henry Lee Lucas (Rooker) and is directed by John McNaughton (also directed the legendary “Wild Things” & another movie I’ve been interested in checking out called “Mad Dog & Glory”). The plot is that there’s this guy Henry who becomes a roommate with an ex-con part-time gas station attendant named Otis & his sister Becky. They’ve all fallen on hard times, but make ends meet somehow (usually selling drugs) but Otis soon finds out that Henry… has a dark side. Sure, he knew before that he killed his mama & that’s why he was in jail… but apparently… it’s even darker. Henry kills… almost randomly… and never the same way twice… basically just for the thrill. Well, Otis is intrigued… and gets off on the rush of his first kill… and the movie goes from there. The movie is… basically just a cold, exact, calculated telling of Henry’s killings with no real need for reasoning as to why he does it. He just enjoys doing it… and even has a bit of a code… or does he? It’s actually done fairly well if you’re into creepy stories with seedy underbellies… you know, as opposed to stories with morality conflicts& happy endings. Even the awkward soundtrack that’s a mix of slow score, coupled with some synthesizers… and inserting some screams of terror or something along with it… really helps to create that atmosphere of just awkward observation, but with a little glimpse into the twisted mind of a serial killer. Michael Rooker (aka Merle from “Walking Dead”) acts the sh*t out of this… and yeah, I really liked it… but it’s definitely not for everyone. Watch with caution. Also, as far as the violence… yeah, it’s bloody & there are a LOT of slow establishing shots of murder scenes… but if you’ve seen any horror movies in the past 20 years, it’s nothing compared to those.

 

Thursday night, I watched a movie from last year called “Phantom” starring Ed Harris, David Duchovny, William Fichtner, Lance Henriksen (briefly) & Sean Patrick Flanery and written-directed by Todd Robinson (“White Squall” & “Lonely Hearts”). The movie is “inspired” by true events… but not really sure how much of it is real… but whatever. In the late 60’s, an epileptic Cold War Soviet submarine captain (Harris) is sent on a top secret mission on a moment’s notice. Along with his crew, there are a few extra “specialists” (led by Duchovny) who are testing a cloaking device known as “The Phantom” (title). Well, once they get out there… the specialists turn out to be KGB… and they take over the submarine, complete with a nuclear payload, and head towards the U.S. Naval Base at Midway to start WWIII… unless the captain and his crew can regain control of the submarine… and not die in the process. If you’re a big fan of “Hunt for Red October” or “U-571” or any of those kind of movies, then you’ll probably love this. Ed Harris gives an amazing performance as he’s prone to do. I like that they’re supposed to be Russian, but they all have the standard American accents, which is good… because I’m sure they’d all be awful to listen to. I love that David Duchovny is my elder doppleganger (hope to look like that in 20 years when I’m 53 as well) but… you know his acting style is… very muted. You’ve seen the X-Files and/or Californication. He delivers lines almost monotonically… with occasional yelling, but always maintaining the stoic face and immediately returning to almost utter boredom. Perhaps that’s his secret to eternal youth & banging cocktail waitresses… but aside from that, not the greatest actor in the world. Sorry, Filly! Overall though, the movie was decent… not great or anything… but like I said, if you like that kind of movie, check it out. If not, you’ll probably pass.

 
 

The Real Life Most Interesting Man in the World – So… I was watching the Today Show this morning… and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see a story that was just ridiculously awesome to me. Did you know there’s a 55 year old Olympian in these Olympics? His sixth? Oh… it’s more than just that too. His name is Hubertus von Hohenlohe-Langenburg… excuse me, PRINCE Hubertus von Hohenlohe-Langenburg… and he’s obviously skiing for Mexico. Obviously, right? Because he is… skiing… for the country of Mexico… in these Winter Olympics. Fact. More facts that you might find interesting (and possible straight out of a future Dos Equis commercial):

 

·         Born in Mexico City in 1959 (dual citizenship)

·         He’s a descendant of German royalty (hence the Prince)

·         Heir to a Volkswagen fortune

·         German pop singer under names Andy Himalaya and Royal Disaster

·         Gallery-level photographer & artist

·         Businessman

·         Six-time Olympic Alpine skier (1984, 1988, 1992, 1994, 2010 & 2014)

·         Flag-bearer for the country of Mexico

·         Wore a Mariachi-inspired outfit during his latest run (previously Goucho)

·         Currently resides in Liechtenstein

·         Speaks five languages fluently

 

Anyway, check out a few interviews with this guy… I think he’s on Piers Morgan soon & he’s been running the gamut the past few days. I’m just saying… he seems like he’s going to be okay when he decides to retire from skiing. Now he’ll have more free time to take pictures, bang 20-year old model-actresses, pick up another language (Swahili?) and release a few albums before living the quiet life. What? Ladies… he’s single… and here’s another article about the guy that takes a little different turn courtesy of the great writers at Grantland.

 

Anyway, that should do it for this entry. I should definitely have some more stories to share after this weekend… which includes a trip to Sacramento & beyond. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Love Stinks

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

What a beautiful weekend! Since we left off, I went for a wonderful drive down by Squaw Valley & the west shore of Lake Tahoe…and I think it got up into the sixties here. Gorgeous!!! Sorry I didn’t really take any pictures along the drive but trust me, it was nice. When I got back home, I watched the NBA All-Star Game, which was actually pretty good. I watched LeBron, D-Wade, Dwight Howard & others do their thing…and then remembered the Slam Dunk Contest the night before…and then grew a little angry that they weren’t a part of it. Here’s the thing about the game, it was held at Cowboys Stadium…and allegedly had over 108,000 people in attendance…but whenever it showed the crowd, there were a LOT of empty seats. I think somebody may have been blowing smoke…and that angered me a bit.

However, any resemblance of anger was quickly eliminated by the halftime show which featured two of my favorite artists to both look at & listen to, my friend Shaky (Shakira) and Alicia Keys. Happy Valentine's Day, $teve!!! The performances were great…but I had a few thoughts during them (don’t worry, not too dirty). The first was… I wondered what it was like to be in the same room with over a hundred thousand people who wanted to f**k me. I’m sure these two performers have gotten used to it over the years…but it’s kind of an odd situation one would think. The second one was when Alicia sang “Empire State of Mind” which of course, is about New York…and she was in Dallas. Now, I’ve heard enough of that song to last me a long time…but I just thought, you know, if you REALLY wanted to get the crowd into it, there’s only one thing you need to do. “The stars at niiiiiight are big and briiiight” and you’d get a hundred thousand people to clap in perfect unison followed by “Deep in the heaaaart of Texas.” Anyway, just a few thoughts (among others) while watched the halftime show. Giggidy.

The Olympics have been okay too. Nailbiting excitement in speed skating, the moguls were fairly entertaining, so far so good. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason for the delays in the downhill have nothing to do with rain & everything to do with a certain hottie American gold medal winner with a bruised shin. I’m not one to start a conspiracy about the Olympics when there’s nothing to it…but it’s odd that a luger can DIE (tragic in many, many ways) in a sport where you literally slide balls first down an icy track with nothing more than a helmet & an ice skate up your ass and there’s no delay in their competition whatsoever, yet when there’s a little rain (in mid-February), all the skiing competitions are cancelled until further notice. What? Oh, that’s the only one? The ski jump, moguls, even the biathlon where the competitors carry rifles continue on as normal in the rain…but the downhill skiers can’t? Weird. Don’t get it twisted, I like Lindsey Vonn (and not just because she’s gorgeous) and think she deserves a shot & hopes she brings home the gold again…but it’s just fishy is all I’m saying. Anyway, that’s enough of that.

Fortune Cookie of the Day – “The Respect of Influential People Will Soon Be Yours…in bed” – Hmm, what influential people could the cookie be referring to? Work? The movie business? Blog syndication & advertising? Could I soon be getting my own show on cable? Once again, I ask, is Hollywood ready for Dr. Love? Or maybe just my hard work & amazing work ethic & skills will be respected…and therefore greatly exploited by others of influence. Wouldn’t be the first time, probably won’t be the last. Thanks for the warning, cookie. Now here’s the news…

Love Stinks – Ah, the bitter cry of a cynical man who spent Single Awareness Day Weekend traveling to wonderful cities and walking the romantic riverwalk of Old Sac alone (except for when he was picking noble fights with teenage douchebags)? No, not at all. Simply stating that Love is all around us…and it can bear a pungent aroma. For example, nothing says "I love you" like a half-mile wide heart made out of manure, right? Well, a southern Minnesota man created the Valentine's Day gift for his wife of 37 years in their farm field about 12 miles southwest of Albert Lea. Bruce Andersland told the Alberta Lea Tribune that he started the project with his tractor and manure spreader Wednesday and finished Thursday. That’s right, ladies. He spent two full days spreading sh*t all over his field in the dead of a Minnesota winter…just to let his wife (and any alien life forms) know that he still loves her after all these years & she’s the greatest thing to ever happen to him. His wife, Beth, said it's the biggest and most original Valentine she has ever received. She said some people might think it's gross, but she says it's cute and "Why not do something fun with what you got?" She said the heart would be darker except for the recent heavy snowfall that mixed with the manure. That’s right, when life gives you sh*t, make a gesture of Love. Kudos Bruce. May your Valentine keep you warm in the Great White North for 37 more years to come.

Vegas Update – Ever wondered why police officers call their badge a shield? Well, they ain’t bullsh*tting. A police officer's badge may have saved his life when it stopped a bullet during an exchange of gunfire in North Las Vegas this weekend. Police say the 31-year-old officer was patrolling just before 10 p.m. Saturday when he heard shots being fired in an apartment complex. While investigating, the officer came upon a person with a gun and opened fire. The officer returned fire and was hit…but the bullet hit the badge, and the officer suffered only minor injuries. The person with the gun fled. Police continued to search Sunday for the suspect, who might also be injured. The injured police officer's name was not immediately released…but since it’s Las Vegas, we’ll call him Officer Nasty. Anyway, glad you’re okay & can keep drunk drivers off the streets. I worry about my friends who live down there, especially if they’re out past ten. That’s when I’m sure more than half of the drivers on the road are legally drunk…and some of them are completely plastered. How about another Vegas update?

Vegas Hugs Update – What do you think would be the funnest world record to break? A 51-year-old Ohio man has embraced the Valentine's Day spirit faster than anyone before, giving 7,777 hugs in 24 hours for a new world record. Jeff Ondash, who sought the squeezes under the costumed alter ego Teddy McHuggin, broke the record Saturday night outside the Paris Las Vegas hotel-casino on the Las Vegas Strip. "When you hug somebody, they all walk away from each other smiling. They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away; a hug a day — it's just fun." Ondash said he wanted to become the world's hugging champion to raise money for the American Heart Association during American Heart month. The cause is important to him because his brother and father both died relatively young because of heart problems. His daughter Carlie, who tallied her father's hugs with a manual counter at the start of his attempt on Friday, came up with his pseudonym to make his spectacle a bit more fun. As Teddy McHuggin, Ondash sports a red NASCAR-style driver's suit with hugging logos and a wrestling-style championship belt. "Jeff Ondash breaking a record really doesn't mean a lot. Teddy McHuggin on the other hand, he's the reigning world speed hugging champion, now going after the world marathon hugging champion. No one on earth has ever attempted something like that before," he said. Ondash, of Canfield, Ohio, already held the record for most hugs in one hour with 1,205, according to Guinness World Records. The previous record of 5,000 hugs in one day was set last year by Siobhan O'Connor in Dublin, Ireland, Guinness spokesman Philip Robertson said. To break O'Connor's mark, Ondash needed more than 208 hugs per hour, or a hug about every 17 seconds (a.k.a. every third sexual thought for me). Ondash logged just over 700 hugs during his first hour of embraces on Friday night. He said he embraced all kinds of people throughout Friday night and Saturday and was tired from being on his feet and not eating. But Ondash said he wasn't planning to go to sleep right away. "I'm going to go and enjoy the town tonight," he said Saturday. Ondash said he did not expect Guinness World Records to certify his record for several weeks. The organization did not have a judge present at his attempt. Instead, independent judges who tracked Ondash in shifts were to submit affidavits to the organization. Ondash says he, as McHuggin, is now eyeing both the world's longest single hug (currently 24 hours and 1 second) and breaking his current two records consecutively, which he said was "unheard of." "I don't even know if I can do that but I'm going to attempt it. It's like climbing Mount Everest twice — same thing." One question remains for me though. Why is the guy next to him dressed as a Jedi? Silly me, I would much rather hold a loved one in warm embrace for an entire day than climb Mount Everest. That being said, I think I’ve found a way to get people to touch me. Free hugs from a tall good-looking gentleman? Who would refuse that? So what if he appears to have a hard-on? It’s only a half-chub. He’s been hugging people all day. Blood flows. Sorry I missed out on the festivities, McHuggin. I really would’ve like to have been in Vegas this weekend anyway…even without the free hugs…but I did alright. Some people just have personal space issues.

Apartheid’s Still Worse – A South African minibus taxi driver five times over the legal blood alcohol limit at breakfast time was arrested on Wednesday for transporting 49 children in a 16-seat vehicle. Repeat of key terms: Taxi driver, five times over the legal limit, at breakfast time, 49 kids, 16 seats, arrested. The 26-year-old man was pulled over at a routine check-point in KwaZulu-Natal province, where traffic officials found the children, aged between three and 13, crammed on top of each other for the morning ride to school. "The man is now behind bars," Colin Govender of the Road Traffic Inspectorate said. The driver is due to appear in court on Thursday. With the soccer World Cup just months away, police are cracking down on rogue taxi operators in the hope that foreign visitors will use minibuses to get around the country. Millions of mostly black South Africans use minibus taxis to travel between townships and cities, although many of the vehicles are barely roadworthy and fatal accidents are common. Also, remember that he was stopped at a routine checkpoint, not pulled over for swerving or having kids hanging out the sunroof or anything like that. Just wanted you to have an image of this situation. What would’ve really been awkward is if among the 49 children, there was one adult. “Seriously, I was just trying to get to the office. The driver asked if it was okay if another fare came on, I said cool, little did I know a f**king preschool was going to hop on the magic school bus. Also, I don’t wanna be a dick…but I think the driver may have been drinking.”

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Glad you could all stop by and listen to me babble on about Love and hugs and lusting for halftime entertainment and Vegas and snow bunnies and whatever else comes to mind. Supposed to be a beautiful week and the sun actually stays up for about an hour once I get off work, so I’ve been more willing to go to the gym. Still haven’t really met anybody there…but hey, the ladies get to see the goods. It’s only a matter of time before someone between the ages of 18 & 40 gives me the eye. Have a great day everybody!!! Happy President’s Day!!!

Nobody Pouts Into a Jiggy

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I've been chilly for the first time in six months...and I love it. Left the windows open all night...and apparently it dropped into the 30's. Glorious under the covers though. Does that make me a freak because I like the cool crisp smell & feel on my face...yet snug as a bug in a rug (as your mom might say) under the covers? I didn't think so. Yeah, not much to talk about with me about yesterday. Passport renewed, tuning up the car in the rain (just fluids & stuff), a few loads of laundry, making some wonderful grilled chicken nachos for lunch and chicken parmesan for dinner, watching some more "Dexter" & "Supernatural" and just relaxing. Not a bad way to spend a day off...but yeah, boring to you guys. My apologies. I'll try to work on that. My life seems to have its peaks & valleys when it comes to exciting adventures...but I think I'm about due for another one...which may be great...or frustrating (fingers crossed on another Day of Infamy). In the meantime, here's the news...

Olympics Go Full Brazilian - Well, Rio de Janeiro is going to host the 2016 Summer Olympic Games...and I think it's awesome. I love to root root root for the home team...but I hadn't been to any of the four cities in the final bid for the Olympics...so I based my views purely on speculation of what could be. I was pretty sure that Chicago wasn't going to get it because...well, I'm sure it's a great town and I can't wait to visit it...but the world pretty much hates the United States...and Kanye West...so that's two strikes going against the Windy City from the get-go. That's why I think they were axed in the first round. Next city to be kicked off the island was Tokyo...and I was really excited about the possibility of Tokyo hosting the Olympics. I mean...think about the opening ceremonies being FULLY ROBOTIC!!! It would've been a technological marvel of the world...but then again, you'd have people stacked on people & a bunch of crazy sh*t like square watermelons and it would distract from the sports, I would think. I think the only reason that Madrid lasted to first runner-up was because a former IOC chairman basically begged for them to be considered...and because all of this is political anyway (there I said it) then arguably the second coolest city in Spain (behind Barcelona, who hosted 1992 of course) was rated the second coolest in the world. So then that leaves us with Rio de Janeiro, the crown jewel of South America...and I'm really excited because it's the first time the games have gone to South America...and it's a beautiful city...full of beautiful people (perhaps the Victoria's Secret supermodels were involved to sway their decisions) and there's a rich sports history in the country. The world LOVES soccer...and this is the land of Pele...and Ronaldo...and Ronaldhino...and Nene (basketball) and a bunch of other one-named athletes. The only downside that I can see...is that this was a once-affordable dream destination...and now the Olympics might destroy that and make everything incredibly expensive...so hurry and book your fairly-inexpensive vacations while you still can. Or perhaps after the Olympics you may be able to afford to visit for Carnivale (opening ceremonies should be amazing) since some host cities of the Olympics seem to have a MAJOR drop-off in tourism revenue...like maybe that own city that hosted the 2002 Winter Olympics...so I've heard. Anyway, congratulations Rio!!! Continue dancing in the sand & I hope to meet you very soon.

Dinosaur Updates - About 125 million years ago a tiny version of Tyrannosaurus rex roamed what is now northeastern China. Tiny, that is, by T-Rex standards. You still wouldn't want to meet it face to face. Described by paleontologist Paul Sereno as "punk size," this early predator would have weighed about 150 pounds. It just seems small compared to the giant T. rex that evolved millions of years later and was as much as 100 times more massive. "It really is the blueprint for the later (T-Rex) dinosaurs," Sereno said, "it was a blueprint that was scalable." Described for the first time in Thursday's ScienceExpress, the online edition of the journal Science, the new dinosaur has been named Raptorex kriegsteini ("King War Stone Bird"? I'm not joking either, that's really what it mean I think...but there's more on that). Sereno reports that Raptorex has all the hallmarks of T-Rex, including a large head, tiny arms and lanky feet — just in a smaller size. "What we're looking at is a blueprint for a fast-running set of jaws," Sereno said at a briefing arranged by the American Association for the Advancement of Science. The giant T-Rex dominated much of the planet from about 90 million years ago until the great extinction 65 million years ago. Raptorex would have stood a lanky 9 feet tall, said Sereno, of the University of Chicago and also a National Geographic explorer in residence. The newly described remains were found by fossil hunters in northern China, smuggled out of that country and offered for sale to collector Henry Kriegstein of Higham, Mass., Sereno said. Kriegstein, for whom the animal is now named (makes some sense now), donated the materials to science and they will be returned to China. The fossil was encased in a single block of stone (hmm, the name really does fit a bit). That stone allowed the researchers to trace the find to its original location. So there were mini-me's of T-Rexes in China back in the day. Mildly interesting...but then it gets really interesting with regards to T-Rexes and the mass extinction...

Dinosaur Bird Flu? - The famous dinosaur known as Sue - the largest, most complete and best preserved T-Rex specimen ever found - might have been killed by a disease that afflicts birds even today, scientists now suggest. The remains of Sue, a star attraction of the Field Museum in Chicago, possess holes in her jaw that some believed were battle scars, the result of bloody combat with another dinosaur, possibly another T-Rex. Now researchers suggest these scars did not result from a clash of titans, but rather from a lowly parasite. The infection in Sue's throat and mouth may have been so severe that the 42-foot-long, 7-ton dinosaur starved to death. The ailment the scientists propose felled Sue and other T-Rexes is trichomonosis. In birds, the disease is caused by Trichomonas gallinae, a single-celled protozoan. Although some birds, such as pigeons, commonly host the parasite but suffer few ill effects, in birds of prey (meat eaters? coincidence?) such as falcons and hawks, the germ causes a pattern of serious lesions in the lower beak that closely matches the holes in the jaws of Sue and occurs in the same anatomical location. "It's ironic to think that an animal as mighty as 'Sue' probably died as a result of a parasitic infection. I'll never look at a feral pigeon the same way again," said researcher Steven Salisbury at the University of Queensland in Australia. The researchers investigated the jaws of Sue and 60 other tyrannosaur specimens. Nearly 15% of them possessed lesions that had previously been attributed to bite wounds or, possibly, a bacterial infection. These holes were roughly 0.2 to more than 1 inch wide (0.5 to more than 2.5 cm), extending through roughly a half-inch (1 cm) of bone. As a former teacher of mine would have said, "What does a bird disease have to do with dinosaurs? They're reptiles, right?" Well...yeah that's kind of up for debate too...

Four-winged Dinosaurs Now? - Chinese researchers have unearthed the fossil of a bird-like dinosaur with four wings in northeastern China, which they suggest is a missing link in dinosaurs' evolution into birds. In a paper in the journal Nature, they said they found the well-preserved fossil of the "Anchiornis huxleyi," which roamed the earth some 160 million years ago, in a geological formation in China's northeastern Liaoning province. About the size of a chicken, the fossil has a total body length of less than 50cm (20 inches) and a skull about 6cm long, lead researcher Xing Xu at the Chinese Academy of Science in Beijing told Reuters in an email. "This finding suggests that birds are likely to be descended from a kind of small-sized four-winged dinosaur about 160 million years ago. It is a link between more typical theropods (dinosaurs which moved around with two rear limbs) and birds. It lived around a time period ... that we expected for birds' ancestor." In a statement, the researchers said: "Long feathers cover the arms and tail, but also the feet, suggesting that a four-winged stage may have existed in the transition to birds." The transition from dinosaurs to birds is still poorly understood because of the lack of well-preserved fossils, and many scientists say bird-like dinosaurs appear too late in the fossil record to be the true ancestors of birds. The Chinese researchers believe the fossil is the oldest bird-like dinosaur reported so far, and older than Archaeopteryx, the earliest known bird. "The presence of such a species at this time in the fossil record effectively disputes the argument that bird-like dinosaurs appeared too late to be the ancestors of birds," they wrote. I'll take it one step further. I don't know of any birds with four wings...so I'm gonna say that it's a step between dinosaurs...and birds...and dragonflies. There you go scientists. Work with that. A lot of crazy stuff is being found in China with regards to dinosaurs and missing links...and me being a bit of a dino geek, I love it. Evolution is an amazing thing (sorry Kansas Board of Education...but it is) and it's incredible to think of how over the course of say 100 million years that species can evolve. I mean...humans have evolved tremendous amounts in less than a million or whatever the going theory is. Perhaps in a few million more, we'll be the size of T-Rexes...with wings...and fish gills...like some kind of dragon drawn by Tim Burton or something. Only (lots of) time will tell. Anyway, that's your Dino Update for the next little while.

Cannonball!!! - Yes, this story was cleverly positioned within seconds of reading about human evolution. A Florida man is facing charges after authorities said he was naked and covered in feces when he broke into a resident's backyard and jumped into the pool. A Martin County Sheriff's Office report shows 21-year-old Robert Stark Higgins was charged with burglary to an occupied dwelling, disorderly conduct and misdemeanor theft. The resident told deputies he heard Higgins crash through the screen of his pool and take a splash Saturday night. Authorities said Higgins took a towel and fled. Deputies used a K-9 to track Higgins to a home (they apparently couldn't pick up the smell on their own when mixed with the chlorine). Higgins told deputies he had been drinking (Nooooooo, really?). He was being held at the Martin County Jail on $10,500 bail. Jail officials said he did not immediately have an attorney. Human evolution at its best...but perhaps there's more to the story than we know. Sure, he was drinking...but where did all the feces come from? Perhaps we need to analyze the fecal remnants from the pool (trust me, there'll be at least a ring around the tub) to find out the source...and then...oh my gosh. Why must I turn everything involving poop into a damn mystery? Okay, so I do it with just about everything...but specifically with pooh. Why? Am I that hard up for a good caper? Maybe a septic tank overflowed and he stumbled into it on his way home and that was the closest pool that he knew of. Maybe an airplane accidentally released its cargo over a residential area. Maybe his pig waste silo malfunctioned in a Homer Simpson style blunder. Who knows? More importantly, who besides me really cares? "Excuse me miss, I just need to ask you a few questions about the break-in the other night." "Who are you?" "$teve Love, PPI. Now from what the police report says, the suspect Mister Higgins, around 12:15 AM..." "Wait, PPI? Like a private investigator?" "Private Poopy Investigator. Now the report says that he entered through the gate on the north side of...if you don't mind my asking, what's so goddamn funny? A man's life may be at stake." "It's just...poop? Really? Is this some kind of joke?" "A joke? Do you think Justice is a joke ma'am? DO I LOOK LIKE I'M JOKING? JUST PLEASE ANSWER THE QUESTIONS!!! Now...what kind of lock was on the north entrance?"

Britain Calls on the Governator For Help - You thought I was mad when I told you that Arnie would be President by 2012. Well perhaps my prediction wasn't even close...as now it seems that the World is calling on his help...in what may be a precursor to a future bid for President of the Earth. A British government minister asked California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Wednesday to shut down a U.S. website that allows men to rate prostitutes, including many working in London. Harriet Harman, minister for women and equality, told the ruling Labour Party's annual conference that "Punternet" (yes Lilie, PUNTernet) fuels the demand for prostitution -- a vice she said degrades women and puts them at risk. She said the website was a "very sinister development" in the trade and exploitation of women and allows guests to compare and rate services in the same way as they would a restaurant, a hotel or a holiday (now what I'm checking out when I get home). Pimps put women on sale for sex on the site then clients offered their comments on line, she said. "Punternet has pages and pages of women for sale in London," said Harman, who is deputy leader of Prime Minister Gordon Brown's Labour Party. She said she had raised the issue with the U.S. ambassador to Britain and asked California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to close it down as it is based in that state. "Surely it can't be too difficult for 'The Terminator' to terminate Punternet and that's what I am demanding that he does." Hmm, that's ballsy to be demanding of Arnold...but hey. The Punternet site describes itself as "The Online Community for Patrons and Providers of Adult Personal Services in the UK" and says it was "created to facilitate the exchange of information on prostitution in the UK." A U.S. Embassy spokesman could not immediately be reached for comment. Prostitution is not illegal in Britain...but associated activities, including soliciting, advertising using cards in telephone boxes and curb crawling, are criminal offenses. The minister also used the speech to say the government would make it a criminal offence to have sex with a prostitute who is being controlled by a pimp (So freelance only? That could be dangerous.). The government was also stepping up action to tackle human trafficking in the run up to the 2012 Olympic Games, most of which will be hosted in London. "We're determined to ensure that, especially in the run-up to the Olympics, international criminal gangs don't trick and abduct women from abroad and sell them for sex in London." Okay, the cause is noble. Sure, prostitution is the oldest profession and in these economic times who am I to try and deprive these women of a source of income...but human trafficking & forced prostitution, not cool at all. Chemical castration comes to mind when I think of that. However, if I'm looking to make a purchase of...well, anything. I'd like to have a few commentaries of satisfied customers & those who felt they were ripped off. Whether it's for a television set, a hotel stay or temporary companionship. What am I gonna do? Ask her pimp? "Best f**k in town." "Really? Can I see some kind of certificate or money back guarantee?" "How about this? If you ask for your money-back, I guarantee I'll f**k you up." "Hmm, I think I'm going to shop around, Pepper Jack. Thank you for your time." It's not like you can ask for the Carfax or anything...so they provide a service...and for a legal operation. I fail to see the problem with that. However, there is one problem in all this. Why are they asking the Governator to do it for them? And honestly, I don't care if he does it to me even...but I want to see him snap on somebody who brings up his acting career in a political format. "Leesen you moron. It was a falking moovie. I am a MAN. I have my own mind. I am not some robot sent from da foooture. In fact, it's quite rideeculous that I haave to tell you that. IT'S A MOOVIE!!! AAAAaaarrraaagh..." and that would be awesome. Alas, we'll just have to wait until he starts campaigning in about a year on the Republican ticket. Let's face it. He's pretty much the most respectable candidate in the party...and that's saying a lot for a womanizing, Hitler-admiring bodybuilder-turned-action movie star who married into the Kennedys and hasn't looked back. That being said, I'd REALLY like to see him & Obama get into a debate. And my imagination wanders...

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Tomorrow I'm heading to the Fortress of Solitude to hang with my mom & my niece & nephew so that should be fun & relaxing, right? We shall see. Also, being my brother's only friend, he's been bugging me to "hang out" which basically means watching him play video games while I'm bored out of my f**king mind. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Congratulations JJ!!!

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Congratulations to JJ!!! Yesterday, she told me that she got a new job back here in Slick City...which means a few things. First & foremost, she has a great job that she wanted (just like I told her) and she can be with her family. Secondly, it means we're probably not going to see each other in Denver since her last day there is Thursday and it'll be next week at the earliest for me to move there. Thirdly, I told her that it would be okay as long as her replacement in Denver is a young, single, sexy blonde too...and apparently she just might be. Awesome for everybody!!! Congratulations JJ!!! I'm glad that everything worked out for ya.

So I got a call last night saying that my Official Interview would be this morning at 9 AM. Working until well after midnight last night, I made a distinct effort to get up early, have a hearty breakfast, and be ready & waiting for that call at 9 AM. Even Boss Lady D called to make sure that I was awake...and Lilie wished me luck. 9 AM came and went...and went...and went. To tempt the interview Fates that seem to like to toy with me, I went number two...and nothing happened. I burned a DVD...and another...then a little after 10 AM, I get a call from an HR manager. Apparently the Interviewer tried to call...but couldn't get a hold of me. "No, I've been waiting here for over an hour and nobody has called." She verified the phone number (keep in mind that she called me) and rescheduled for 10:30 with a different interviewer...and if I didn't hear from them, to call her back again...I guess to reschedule again...because I figure that since I had to apply for the position four times, they have to allegedly attempt to interview me four times. Ridiculous. So guess what I did? Blogged while waiting...and here it is. A lengthy entry too.

Big Daddy - Remember last year when I reported the world's tallest man getting married? Well, this week, 7-foot-9 inch Bao Xishun of China became the world's tallest daddy with the birth of his first child, a boy whose initial height seems a compromise between his gigantic dad and average-sized mother (she's about 5-foot-6 inches). Bao's son measured 22 inches long and about nine pounds at birth. Although slightly taller than average for newborn children, Bao's boy came up well short of the 29.5 inches (that poor vagina) claimed as a record birth length last year. "Bao is quite happy. The baby is healthy and a normal size," the hospital's senior doctor Zhang. 57-year old Bao said last about his wishes for children, "I hope he or she can be about 2 meters tall. Then he or she can play basketball." Good news Bao, my brother and I came out that size...and we're about two meters tall. I think the really impressive thing…as that he's 57 and a daddy. Congratulations to the happy new parents!!! May our children meet in the 2032 Summer Olympic Games, hosted in lovely Buenos Aires, Argentina. (Just trust me on that one)

Fifty-Part Bruce Lee Biography - Bruce Lee is getting a belated hero's welcome in China, with the country's state broadcaster set to air a 50-part prime-time series on the late kung fu star. Lee became a chest-thumping source of nationalistic pride to Chinese around the world with his characters who defended the Chinese against oppressors in a series of movies in the early 1970s. But his influence wasn't felt immediately in China, which was then a closed communist country. Lee's films started surfacing in China on video in the 1980s — years after his death in 1973 from swelling of the brain. China's official China Central Television hopes to fill the void with the exhaustive 50 million Chinese yuan (US$7.3 million) biography, "The Legend of Bruce Lee" — the country's first movie or TV series on the actor, according to producer Yu Shengli. Shot in China, Hong Kong, Macau, the U.S., Italy and Thailand over nine months, the series, starting Sunday in prime-time, will air daily on the CCTV's flagship channel, with two episodes airing consecutively every night in a two-hour slot. Unlike past films about Lee, "The Legend of Bruce Lee" is unusually detailed in tracing Lee's life, from his teenage years in Hong Kong to his move to the U.S., where he studied and taught martial arts, to his movie career and early death at 32, the Hong Kong actor who plays Lee told The Associated Press in an interview Tuesday. "We've only seen the glorious side of Bruce Lee — he comes out all guns blazing, his films are entertaining. But very few people know what injuries he suffered and what grievances he suffered," Danny Chan said, noting the series even reveals that Lee was afraid of cockroaches.

The 33-year-old actor Chan, whose best known work is Stephen Chow's "Kung Fu Hustle" and "Shaolin Soccer," makes up for his lack of star power with his uncanny resemblance to Lee with his thick eyebrows and slender body. Lee's message of Chinese strength in movies like "The Chinese Connection" and "Return of the Dragon" also matches that of the Chinese government. "Lee had strength, agility, pride, intelligence, not to mention charisma to burn, which coupled with the pro-Chinese rhetoric in his films have made him a potent symbol for the powerful new China that is now rising," said Michael Berry, a professor in contemporary Chinese cultural studies at the University of California at Santa Barbara. Lee is shown bursting with Chinese pride in a trailer shown at the news conference, bellowing "I am Chinese" to spectators after defeating a foreign opponent. In an apparent effort to boost racial pride, the series was originally scheduled to be aired before the Beijing Olympics in August, but was pushed back in keeping with the period of mourning for the deadly earthquake in China's central Sichuan province on May 12, which killed 70,000 people. The series was authorized by the Lee family. Producer Yu said Lee's daughter, Shannon Lee Keasler, approved the script and is credited as an executive producer. It's unclear, however, how Lee himself, who spent his time in the U.S. and then-British colony Hong Kong, felt about the communist Chinese regime. All I can say is...when does this 50-part series hit DVD in the States? I'm curious how this is a 50-part series (because that averages out to about seven months of his life per episode...and I'm assuming there's a lot of teething and breastfeeding in the second episode) but it's Bruce Lee, so it has to be awesome. Sorry if I babbled on too much about this thing that might very well be Chinese propoganda...but it's Bruce Lee. I know my buddy Jody understands. He's a huge fan too.

Ig Nobel Prizes Awarded - The Ig Nobels honor real research, but are meant as a funny alternative to next week's deadly serious Nobel prizes for medicine, chemistry, physics, economics, literature and peace. A researcher who figured out that Coke explodes sperm and scientists who discovered that people will happily eat stale chips if they crunch loudly enough won alternative "Ig Nobel" prizes Thursday. Other winners included physicists who found out that anything that can tangle, will tangle and a team of biologists who ascertained that dog fleas jump farther than cat fleas. Awarded by the editors of the Annals of Improbable Research, a scientific humor magazine, the prizes are based on published research, some intended to be humorous but often not. Usually the "honored" researchers go along with the joke. Deborah Anderson of Boston University Medical Center and colleagues were awarded the chemistry prize for a 1985 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine that found Coca-Cola kills sperm. She said she was serious in testing the soft drink because women were using it in a douche as a contraceptive and later to try to protect themselves from the AIDS virus. She said, "It definitely wouldn't work as a contraceptive because sperm swims so fast." She went on to say Coke made with sugar quickly kills sperm, probably because sperm soak it up. "The sperm just kind of explode." It kills the AIDS virus too, she said. Personal favorites - The economics prize went to researchers at the University of New Mexico who learned that a professional lap dancer earns bigger tips when she is most fertile…and David Sims of Cass Business School in London won the literature prize for his written study titled "You Bastard: A Narrative Exploration of the Experience of Indignation within Organizations" For more little experiments that were inexplicably awarded grant money, feel free to check out the link. Good stuff. Past winners include the creator of the plastic pink flamingo, a researcher who recorded a mallard duck sodomizing a dead drake and a doctor who cured hiccups by applying digital rectal massage (it wasn't me, though I have tried similar experiments on an amateur level).

Thai Politics Update - Okay, so last week an overzealous campaign manager drowned during a publicity stunt in Bangkok. This week, another underdog in the election for governor of Bangkok punched and kicked a television journalist Thursday, saying he was provoked by tough questions during a live interview. Chuvit Kamolvisit, dubbed Bangkok's massage parlor king (hells yeah) by the Thai press, later apologized for losing his temper and assaulting host Visarn Dilokwanich after the interview. "I admit I did it. I couldn't stand it when he humiliated me on air," said Chuvit, a stocky former bodybuilder who owned a strip of girly bars before entering politics a few years ago. "What I did was a petty crime and I am happy to pay the fine for elbowing him and kicking him." Visarn said, "He was very upset when I told him during the show that what he said off-air and on-air was totally different." That's politics, baby! I'm actually quite impressed that elbowing and kicking is considered a petty crime in Thailand. As my buddy Billy Madison once said, "That's assault, brutha! Do ya double dare me?" I guess that's just the Muay Thai culture. I would actually like to see a little bit of kicking and elbowing in our Presidential Debates. Instead of the usual point - counterpoint - useless banter - pandering - issue tap-dance routine, I'd prefer to see some point - counterpoint - low block - spinning back kick - judo chop - leg sweep - sleeper hold - suplex action. I'm not one that likes to see folding chairs and the like brought into the mix…but if one of the candidates finds themselves stumped, I'd like to think that they would be able to adapt to the situation. That's the sign of a true leader.

Do You Respect Your Boss? - According to an online survey released on Friday, almost half of U.S. workers do not respect their boss and only half believe they are competent. The study by Randstad USA, a unit of the world's number two staffing company Randstad NV, found that the growing financial crisis has seen companies focusing more on their bottom line at the expense of relations with employees. "Employees' professional development and morale should always be a priority for employers and especially in an economic slowdown when employees may feel additional burdens," said Randstad director Eric Buntin. The Internet survey of 2,337 people also found only 43 percent think their boss is open to new ideas and only 47 percent were willing to work overtime to impress their boss and create more job security for themselves. Less than 30 percent believed their bosses were fulfilling their roles as motivators, role models or mentors. Now, maybe some of these employees were just in the middle of an HR fiasco when the survey was presented to them so their opinions were a little low…but these numbers are still a little surprising. Not a lot…but a little. I don't know, what do you ladies & gentlemen think about your bosses? I've had the pleasure of having a LOT of great bosses even when the jobs were questionable…but I've heard some horror stories out there where if I were in the situation, I mighta smacked somebody…but luckily that wasn't the case…and I can keep my pimphand fresh for a gubernatorial race in Bangkok when I move there. Anyway, anybody wanna give a shout-out to their boss? That's why I have a comments section, so that I can keep my ear to the people. Vote Love in '08!!!

Stay tuned tomorrow for the (hopeful) conclusion to the Denver Interview story...and hopefully having some kind of answer to this absolute fiasco that makes me think twice (okay thrice) about accepted the position that was offered to me well over a week ago...but rescinded a week ago...and will more than likely be offered again soon. A few people have commented that I seem really chill and relaxed about the whole situation...and they wonder why. Well, it's for a few reasons. I'm confident in my abilities both as a professional and a human being, so I don't sweat the small stuff. I just like to comment about it on my blog so other can learn. I have a very analytical mindset...so I have backup plans already in place for worst-case and best case scenarios. I have a wonderful support network to encourage me and at the very least...listen to me complain...and then we'll all laugh about it. Most importantly though, I'm well-endowed...and when everything else seems to be a whirlwind of BS and nothing seems to be going right, I can always say to myself, "It doesn't matter...because my mama & daddy love me...and that's ALL me." Have a great day everybody!!!

Birds Do It, Bees Do It

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I really didn't do much except walk around in the rain in the early day then watch TV (mostly "Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe") until Filly showed up around 5:30 PM. She stopped by just as I was watching a "Tank Girl" starring Lori Petty (as Gwen Stefani?), Ice T, Naomi Watts (I know, Naomi Watts? Really?) and Malcolm McDowell. My brother used to watch this movie incessantly when it first came out. I think he had a crush on Lori Perry (whereas I liked the nerdy turned sex kitten Naomi Watts) but he watched it A LOT so I became a little numb of it...and hadn't watched it since the mid-90's. The story is set in 2033 in a post-apolocolyptic world (watch a lot of movies with that setting) and a comet hit the Earth making water a scarce commodity. One megacompany headed by an evil man (McDowell) owns a vast majority of the water and has a dictator-like grip over the rest of the world. Alas there are a few rebels (Perry) who try to live free. Honestly though, this is just a wild & crazy movie based on a comic book and it's actually kind of a fun story involving a lot of one-liners, kangaroo men, reincarnation, "some British guy", remote control tanks, interspecies erotica, a musical number of "Let's Do It" and just overall craziness. I would recommend it if you haven't seen it...but just remember that it's based on a comic book and meant to be ridiculous...like Ice T as a half-man / half-kangaroo in an attempt to make the perfect soldier. Intrigued? Thought so.

Filly hung out for a few hours before everybody else came for my Labor Pains Rock Band Party to celebrate Labor Day. We watched some TV and babbled about this and that. Then JL Clyde, E*Star, Cat, Casanova, and even Lilie showed up after midnight and we had an awesome time. Casanova is truly a spirited performer...and hilarious. Thanks to everybody for stopping by!!! Here's some news...

Huge Shout-Out to the Mayor of Mitchieville for his Shout-Out on his (and his minions) award-winning blog. Thank you for the kind words, Mr. Mayor. Check it out...but only if you like hilarity. Otherwise, it's kind of boring and wordy...oh wait, just like me. You're gonna love it. As far as the nude Polaroids of our wives posted on the web, I'm afraid you are mistaken. She's not my wife...but I'm glad that you've done your research.

Malaysian Nut Wrap - No, not the Tuesday Special at your favorite exotic deli...but rather the story of a man who wanted more. A Malaysian welder had to have a nut removed from around his penis after an attempt to lengthen it before he gets engaged next week went embarrassingly wrong. The nut got stuck on his penis following an erection, forcing him to seek help at a hospital in southern Johor state. Staff from the Sultanah Aminah hospital had to drain some blood from the penis and cut away a top layer of skin before the object could be removed. It said the fire and rescue department were also involved in trying to remove the nut from the unnamed welder ("WE'VE GOT A BLEEDER!!!") who is in his 20s and hoped the nut would weigh down his penis to make it longer. "The patient is now recovering and we hope to discharge him today (Sunday)," hospital director Daud Abdul Rahim told the Star. On August 25, another young man in Kuala Lumpur had tried to increase his sexual prowess by slipping a steel ring around his penis, forcing the fire department to cut off the ring after doctors were unable to remove it. Boy, am I glad that I don't have to worry about that kind of stuff. I'm actually a little surprised he was able to fit it in there...but it's a stereotype, I guess. Like all Asian being good at math. Even Asian elephants. Check out the link. It's quite entertaining. Anyway, see, ladies? Some guys'll do whatever it takes. However guys, keep this in mind. How do you think his honeymoon is going to go now that he had to be through such a traumatic experience to his Wang? The physical and emotional scarring, I don't dare to imagine. Then again, maybe the scars give it a more natural ribbing action... (shiver) ah, probably not. Just get a pack of Trojans. They're safer...and 99.9% effective (allegedly).

Shot Through the Heart - South Korea's top male and female archers capped gold medal performances at the Beijing Olympics by announcing wedding plans just as the games ended. Park Sung-hyun, 25, who led the women's team to a gold medal and won an individual silver in Beijing, is to marry Park Kyung-mo, 33, (no relation...yet) who had similar success at the Games. "The exact date hasn't been decided yet but, yes, they are dating each other and planning to get married," said an official from the Korea Archery Association. The two, known for their cool composure in competition, struck up a relationship while training for the Olympics. They surprised team mates and coaches by announcing at a Beijing restaurant that they were engaged. South Korean archers have dominated the sport at the Olympics for years. The two Parks have won a total of five Olympic gold medals and two silvers from Beijing and the 2004 Games in Athens. Groom-to-be Park Kyung-mo was quoted by the association as telling reporters: "Now that it's known to everyone, I hope people will welcome the news. Please give as much attention to archery as you give to us." Good luck with that. You know, I was thinking during the Olympics (as I usually do) of how to make some sports more appealing...and archery could use a tune up. Sure, it's cool that you can hit a stationary target at x-hundred yards. Oooh, good for you. Let's say we keep that an event...for tradition's sake...but then add a few other events. "But $teve, what other archery events would you suggest to the IOC?"

• Moving Target Shoot - Automatic rolling targets going by at x-hundred meters and competitors try to hit them. Simple enough, right? Honestly, they may already have this event there...but if not, they should.


• Trick Shooting - We've all seen the YouTube videos & America's Got Talent where hot, flexible archers shoot arrows with their legs. How about competitive trick shooting? Extra merit for incorporated gymnastics, flexibility, rolling, badassery, a ricochet or two ("Off the wall, off the 2nd judge, nothing but bull's eye"), maybe split an arrow or two in half, whatever. The only limit is your imagination...and maybe your abilities...and some laws of physics.


• Duck Hunt - I hate to bring animals into dangers way for the sake of my amusement...but it's about the ratings...and paying homage to a classic video game. We release two to three birds at a time, giving the archers three arrows to hit as many as they can (we can use roboducks if it makes you feel any better). Point awarded for hits...and unlike the video game, you can shoot the laughing dog, you just won't get any extra point...but probably a round of applause from the crowd.


• Hunt Medley - Okay, so I honestly don't know a good name for this event...and I like the word "Medley" but don't completely understand it's meaning...but this is a slightly better name than "Archery Deathmatch" or some other working titles. Basically, you can have individuals or a team event...where there's an environment...possibly in the woods or some kind of location with hiding places or whatever. It's a single-elimination tournament, where if you get tagged with an arrow, you're out. Last person standing (or rather hiding in a corner) gets the gold. It's like paintball...but with bigger balls...with pointed ends traveling at incredible speeds. No need for judges to determine whether it was a hit or not. The scars tell the tale. Anyway, these are just a few suggestions. Oh yeah...and congratulations to the Parks for finding Love in the workplace.
  
  

Panda Update - Remember Lun Lun, the Atlanta Panda in labor for Labor Day? Well, the little hairless bundle of joy was born Saturday. Zookeepers won't know the sex of the cub for a few weeks until Lun Lun lets them touch her baby, said Megan Wilson, assistant curator of carnivores at the zoo. For now, the proud mom is cradling and nursing her cub just as she did with Mei Lan. the zoo's first cub born almost two years ago. Anyway, just an update to let you know that everything smoothly. As usual, the naming will be in a hundred days...and my suggestion is Ling Ling...but nobody else seems to think that's cool thanks to "Drawn Together", oh well. Eventually they've gotta run out of other names, right?

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Busy day at work...so typing three words a minute between jobs makes my stagnant thoughts less readable. Hope everybody's having a groovy day!!! If not, holla. Hopefully I'll be able to cheer ya up a little bit. Reverend Al Green tomorrow. Peace...

Nun Of Us Should Feel Alone

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As mentioned yesterday, I watched a movie…another 80's movie called "Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man" starring Mickey Rourke and Don Johnson…along with Tom Sizemore and Tia Carrere & Vanessa Williams in small yet hot roles. The story is about a nomadic motorcycle rider named Harley Davidson (Rourke) and his buddy, a cowboy born & raised in Las Vegas (Johnson with a scruffy beard) who meet up again after being apart for two years due to…well, their nomadic nature. They find out that a friend's bar is in danger of being taken over by a bank and decide to rob the bank for the $2.5 million needed to save the bar. Along the way, they find out that they're stealing from drug runners (running a new drug called Crystal Dream…which looks like clear blue soap bars) and they're out to kill them & get their money back. There's a few loose love stories involved…and some 80's tough guy moments of longing…but that's basically an attempt to show character development and draw the movie out to full length feature status…but then you remember, "Oh yeah, it's called Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man…and has Mickey Rourke on a motorcycle & Sonny Crockett as a cowboy." It's still an okay 80's movie. It was free on demand and I watched it while doing dishes and picking up around the house. Check it out if you want. You're not missing a whole lot though. It's an 80's action-comedy like "Lethal Weapon", "Beverly Hills Cop", "Die Hard", and all the others that made money…but didn't.

Also on Sunday, apparently the Olympics ended…and the United States had the most medals with China getting their fair share (mostly in judged events…but I'm just saying) and now we can just wait two years for the icy version in Vancouver and four years for the London edition. I enjoyed my fair share of the Olympics (as you might have noticed) but I just have to say…that the announcers kind of sucked. Now, I realize that they have to keep talking at all times, otherwise they prove that they're not necessarily needed (especially three or four at a time) but I'd like to have at least one of the announcers be somebody with...let's say, a soul. Maybe soul isn't the right word. Personality, we'll go with that. "It's a do-or-die moment for them. This is what it all boils down to." No kidding! It's the Olympics. They only get one shot every four years. Just ask Lolo Jones (heartbreaking). I know they're supposed to be impartial and observant and document what they see in a context befitting that of a news anchor or something…but what if that's not what I want. What if I want somebody to say "BULLSH*T!!!" instead of "Hmm, that was a questionable score from the judges" or "I don't care what you say, that chick's twelve years old AT MOST" instead of "There has been some controversy that perhaps some of the athletes from the People's Republic of China may be underage…" I do like it when an announcer says something like "Look at the way the Speedos fit. There was some controversy about that heading into the games" or "She has a very long, slender, athletic look about her which the judges like" or "Her form greatly effects her splash at the end of the dive" but couldn't they just say, "Check out that guy's package" or "She's a skinny 5'2" where all these other pre-teens are stocky four-footers" or "I'd hate to say it, but those rockin' tatas are gonna hurt her…at least during the competition." Oh the moments watching Rhythmic Gymnastics and watching five identical athletic girls play with whips or balls or whatever, show off their grace & incredible flexibility, and work as a team...and think out loud "Man, if these girls were 18, this'd be really hot." Oh well, I guess I'll just have to settle for conversation with family & friends within earshot. Bye bye Olympics!!! You were fun while you lasted…now for some other important world news. Where to begin? The collapse of government in Pakistan, Zimbabwe, Iraq, and possibly America? The Invasion of Georgia by Mother Russia? Genocide in Mother Afrika?

American Idol Adds a Judge - Now, I don't watch American Idol…but I know that the judges are Paula Abdul (still funny to me), Randy Jackson (of the Jackson 5?), and Simon Cowell (who can even make a British accent a bad thing) but now there's going to be a new addition to the Emotional Wash-up, the Black Guy, and the Brit Prick, Welcome Grammy-nominated songwriter Kara DioGuardi a.k.a. the Hippie Chick? Okay, so she's really a pop songwriter for the likes of Gwen Stefani, Kylie Minogue, and others...but I honestly have no idea who this lady is…and frankly, I don't care because I still don't plan on watching it…but this is what people are talking about…so here it is. I'm told that she's perky and fun by the Media...but I don't trust them. Best of luck to you, Kara!!! May you not become the next Dunkelman…and Paula, you had a great run. Enjoy your retirement next year.

New Dancing with the Stars Lineup - Well, the new "celebrities" have been announced for the next season of Dancing with the Stars. Now, my prediction didn't come true last season (more of a hopeful dream) but this season includes the likes of Toni Braxton (who still makes me high…and has a show at the Flamingo), Lance Bass (first gay astronaut?), Susan Lucci (soap star), Ted McGinley ("Revenge of the Nerds" & Jefferson D'Arcy on "Married with Children"), Cloris Leachman (80-something year old comedian…but still hilarious), Jeffrey Ross (another comedian usually on those Comedy Central Roasts), football player Warren Sapp, volleyballer Misty May-Treanor, sprinter Maurice Greene, chef Rocco DiSpirito, Cody Linley ("Hannah Montana"), and the real reasons to watch…superhotties Brooke Burke (playboy & E!) & Kim Kardashian (of sex tape fame). Not a bad lineup (except for the comedians) but my prediction - Kim Kardashian wins…and f**ks her dancing partner. Is it because I think she's the most talented? Of course not. I just know what the viewers like…and they can't get enough of that ass.

Miss Sister 2008 - Now for a pageant that I would watch. An Italian priest and theologian said Sunday he is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight the stereotype that they are all old and dour. The "Miss Sister 2008" contest will start in September on a blog run by the Rev. Antonio Rungi and will give nuns from around the world a chance to showcase their work and their image. "Nuns are a bit excluded, they are a bit marginalized in ecclesiastical life. This will be an occasion to make their contribution more visible." Rungi, a theologian and schoolteacher from the Naples area, said that visitors to his site will have a month to "vote for the nun they consider a model." Nuns will fill out a profile including information about their life and vocation as well as a photograph. It will be up to them to choose whether to pose with the traditional veil or with their heads uncovered. "We are not going to parade nuns in bathing suits...but being ugly is not a requirement for becoming a nun. External beauty is gift from God, and we mustn't hide it." Rungi said the idea was first suggested to him by nuns with whom he regularly prays and works. He hopes there will be dozens of submissions once the Web site is started. The contest drew criticism from the association of Catholic teachers (sarcastic gasp). "It's an initiative that belittles the role of nuns who have dedicated themselves to God," the group's president, Alberto Giannino, told Italy's ANSA news agency on Sunday.

I like the cut of Reverend Rungi's jib. In my humble opinion, a Holy Man can't be a Holy Man without appreciating the work of the Holy Father. I'm obviously curious about how this website is going to turn out…but not because I want to see nuns in their swimsuits (that's beside the point) but because it's a chance for these recluse women to get out there and know that (possible sexual deviant and/or virgin) men & women around the globe are checking on them…and they have that (wireless internet) connection to the outside world. As for the opposition, I can see their point too…because these women are supposed to be recluse…and cut off from the world…and basically pray all day and do God's work…but isn't it a great way to expose the devout Christian lifestyle to the world…and show that though these women are cut off from the world, they're still women…and have souls…and dreams…and passion…and ambition…and have basically given their lives to the service of the Lord for His Glory? I've always been interested what a blog of somebody like that would be like…whether it's a hot Fritalian nun, a Tibetan monk, a missionary in Vanuatu, a hermit on a mystical journey in the woods (though probably no internet service), or an Apache shaman. Spirituality interests me to no end. People fascinate me. So people completely immersed in spirituality would be thoroughly enthralling to me. Granted, I'm sure that somebody trying to find spiritual creaminess isn't sitting at a computer a few hours a day…but still, this could be interesting. Worst-case, I get to see some lovely, well-mannered Fritalians with goals, strong moral values, and a steady career that she loves. What's not to like about that? Maybe instead of eHarmony, I could to eTrinity or something and move to Italy. I'm sure they'd LOVE to have me on their basketball team. I mean…I've seen "Life if Beautiful" like a dozen times, that's all I'll ever need to have a conversation. "Bon giorno principessa!!!" and I don't know the Italian yet…but I love his confessional rant about how he wants to make love to her constantly…because I'm always wanting to say stuff like that…but it's creepy in English for some reason. Also, I have JL Clyde's Italian Pick-Up Lines from my European trip last year to study. It could work…well. At the very least, they're intrigued by my quirky Canadian charm (because Americans apparently are frowned upon in Europe, eh?) and lengthy yet solid build. By the way, today would have been Mother Teresa's 98th birthday. Just thought that I'd throw that in there for ya.

Speaking of JL Clyde, she stopped by last night and we spent a few hours watching the first season of "Fraggle Rock" and I forgot how much those little guys sing...about everything. Oh to spontaneously spring into song and have it make sense to somebody other than yourself. That would be awesome. I would highly recommend the adventures of Gobo, Wembley, Mokey, Red, Boober, Uncle Traveling Matt, the Doozers, the Gorgs, Convincing John, Sprocket the dog, the All-Knowing Trash Heap, the King & Queen of the Universe, and all the rest to anybody...but especially those with children. People will make less fun of you if you use them as an excuse to watch those kinds of shows. Check 'em out.

Well, today is the "big" interview that I guess will determine whether I'll be a manager one day or not. Do I feel pressure? Not really. I'm extremely confident in my abilities...and I know that everything happens for a reason (Right, Lilie?) so I've even set up a quick little get-together with friends tonight to celebrate my impending masterpiece of an interview. I may give you details of it tomorrow...but it'll probably be really boring, so we'll see. Until then, I'm actually just kicking back watching specials about dinosaurs on the History Channel. I have to check out the Utah Museum of Natural History now to see some of these crazy dinosaurs that I've never heard of like Therezinosaurus...which is like a Raptor...but with GIANT claws on its hands too...and a pot belly. Anyway, google it or visit your local museum yourself. Those kinds of places are fun to me...but I'm a bit of a nerd...a sweet, charming nerd.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Be sure to stop by my little celebratory get-together tonight if you're not doing anything. You all know the digits. Filly, JL Clyde, Lis, D, and even little Crosby have already RSVP'd and many more are surely on the way (delusion). It's gonna be fun. Talk to you tomorrow with details about...well, whatever interests me at the time. Have a great night everybody!!!