Monday, February 15, 2010

Love Stinks

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

What a beautiful weekend! Since we left off, I went for a wonderful drive down by Squaw Valley & the west shore of Lake Tahoe…and I think it got up into the sixties here. Gorgeous!!! Sorry I didn’t really take any pictures along the drive but trust me, it was nice. When I got back home, I watched the NBA All-Star Game, which was actually pretty good. I watched LeBron, D-Wade, Dwight Howard & others do their thing…and then remembered the Slam Dunk Contest the night before…and then grew a little angry that they weren’t a part of it. Here’s the thing about the game, it was held at Cowboys Stadium…and allegedly had over 108,000 people in attendance…but whenever it showed the crowd, there were a LOT of empty seats. I think somebody may have been blowing smoke…and that angered me a bit.

However, any resemblance of anger was quickly eliminated by the halftime show which featured two of my favorite artists to both look at & listen to, my friend Shaky (Shakira) and Alicia Keys. Happy Valentine's Day, $teve!!! The performances were great…but I had a few thoughts during them (don’t worry, not too dirty). The first was… I wondered what it was like to be in the same room with over a hundred thousand people who wanted to f**k me. I’m sure these two performers have gotten used to it over the years…but it’s kind of an odd situation one would think. The second one was when Alicia sang “Empire State of Mind” which of course, is about New York…and she was in Dallas. Now, I’ve heard enough of that song to last me a long time…but I just thought, you know, if you REALLY wanted to get the crowd into it, there’s only one thing you need to do. “The stars at niiiiiight are big and briiiight” and you’d get a hundred thousand people to clap in perfect unison followed by “Deep in the heaaaart of Texas.” Anyway, just a few thoughts (among others) while watched the halftime show. Giggidy.

The Olympics have been okay too. Nailbiting excitement in speed skating, the moguls were fairly entertaining, so far so good. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason for the delays in the downhill have nothing to do with rain & everything to do with a certain hottie American gold medal winner with a bruised shin. I’m not one to start a conspiracy about the Olympics when there’s nothing to it…but it’s odd that a luger can DIE (tragic in many, many ways) in a sport where you literally slide balls first down an icy track with nothing more than a helmet & an ice skate up your ass and there’s no delay in their competition whatsoever, yet when there’s a little rain (in mid-February), all the skiing competitions are cancelled until further notice. What? Oh, that’s the only one? The ski jump, moguls, even the biathlon where the competitors carry rifles continue on as normal in the rain…but the downhill skiers can’t? Weird. Don’t get it twisted, I like Lindsey Vonn (and not just because she’s gorgeous) and think she deserves a shot & hopes she brings home the gold again…but it’s just fishy is all I’m saying. Anyway, that’s enough of that.

Fortune Cookie of the Day – “The Respect of Influential People Will Soon Be Yours…in bed” – Hmm, what influential people could the cookie be referring to? Work? The movie business? Blog syndication & advertising? Could I soon be getting my own show on cable? Once again, I ask, is Hollywood ready for Dr. Love? Or maybe just my hard work & amazing work ethic & skills will be respected…and therefore greatly exploited by others of influence. Wouldn’t be the first time, probably won’t be the last. Thanks for the warning, cookie. Now here’s the news…

Love Stinks – Ah, the bitter cry of a cynical man who spent Single Awareness Day Weekend traveling to wonderful cities and walking the romantic riverwalk of Old Sac alone (except for when he was picking noble fights with teenage douchebags)? No, not at all. Simply stating that Love is all around us…and it can bear a pungent aroma. For example, nothing says "I love you" like a half-mile wide heart made out of manure, right? Well, a southern Minnesota man created the Valentine's Day gift for his wife of 37 years in their farm field about 12 miles southwest of Albert Lea. Bruce Andersland told the Alberta Lea Tribune that he started the project with his tractor and manure spreader Wednesday and finished Thursday. That’s right, ladies. He spent two full days spreading sh*t all over his field in the dead of a Minnesota winter…just to let his wife (and any alien life forms) know that he still loves her after all these years & she’s the greatest thing to ever happen to him. His wife, Beth, said it's the biggest and most original Valentine she has ever received. She said some people might think it's gross, but she says it's cute and "Why not do something fun with what you got?" She said the heart would be darker except for the recent heavy snowfall that mixed with the manure. That’s right, when life gives you sh*t, make a gesture of Love. Kudos Bruce. May your Valentine keep you warm in the Great White North for 37 more years to come.

Vegas Update – Ever wondered why police officers call their badge a shield? Well, they ain’t bullsh*tting. A police officer's badge may have saved his life when it stopped a bullet during an exchange of gunfire in North Las Vegas this weekend. Police say the 31-year-old officer was patrolling just before 10 p.m. Saturday when he heard shots being fired in an apartment complex. While investigating, the officer came upon a person with a gun and opened fire. The officer returned fire and was hit…but the bullet hit the badge, and the officer suffered only minor injuries. The person with the gun fled. Police continued to search Sunday for the suspect, who might also be injured. The injured police officer's name was not immediately released…but since it’s Las Vegas, we’ll call him Officer Nasty. Anyway, glad you’re okay & can keep drunk drivers off the streets. I worry about my friends who live down there, especially if they’re out past ten. That’s when I’m sure more than half of the drivers on the road are legally drunk…and some of them are completely plastered. How about another Vegas update?

Vegas Hugs Update – What do you think would be the funnest world record to break? A 51-year-old Ohio man has embraced the Valentine's Day spirit faster than anyone before, giving 7,777 hugs in 24 hours for a new world record. Jeff Ondash, who sought the squeezes under the costumed alter ego Teddy McHuggin, broke the record Saturday night outside the Paris Las Vegas hotel-casino on the Las Vegas Strip. "When you hug somebody, they all walk away from each other smiling. They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away; a hug a day — it's just fun." Ondash said he wanted to become the world's hugging champion to raise money for the American Heart Association during American Heart month. The cause is important to him because his brother and father both died relatively young because of heart problems. His daughter Carlie, who tallied her father's hugs with a manual counter at the start of his attempt on Friday, came up with his pseudonym to make his spectacle a bit more fun. As Teddy McHuggin, Ondash sports a red NASCAR-style driver's suit with hugging logos and a wrestling-style championship belt. "Jeff Ondash breaking a record really doesn't mean a lot. Teddy McHuggin on the other hand, he's the reigning world speed hugging champion, now going after the world marathon hugging champion. No one on earth has ever attempted something like that before," he said. Ondash, of Canfield, Ohio, already held the record for most hugs in one hour with 1,205, according to Guinness World Records. The previous record of 5,000 hugs in one day was set last year by Siobhan O'Connor in Dublin, Ireland, Guinness spokesman Philip Robertson said. To break O'Connor's mark, Ondash needed more than 208 hugs per hour, or a hug about every 17 seconds (a.k.a. every third sexual thought for me). Ondash logged just over 700 hugs during his first hour of embraces on Friday night. He said he embraced all kinds of people throughout Friday night and Saturday and was tired from being on his feet and not eating. But Ondash said he wasn't planning to go to sleep right away. "I'm going to go and enjoy the town tonight," he said Saturday. Ondash said he did not expect Guinness World Records to certify his record for several weeks. The organization did not have a judge present at his attempt. Instead, independent judges who tracked Ondash in shifts were to submit affidavits to the organization. Ondash says he, as McHuggin, is now eyeing both the world's longest single hug (currently 24 hours and 1 second) and breaking his current two records consecutively, which he said was "unheard of." "I don't even know if I can do that but I'm going to attempt it. It's like climbing Mount Everest twice — same thing." One question remains for me though. Why is the guy next to him dressed as a Jedi? Silly me, I would much rather hold a loved one in warm embrace for an entire day than climb Mount Everest. That being said, I think I’ve found a way to get people to touch me. Free hugs from a tall good-looking gentleman? Who would refuse that? So what if he appears to have a hard-on? It’s only a half-chub. He’s been hugging people all day. Blood flows. Sorry I missed out on the festivities, McHuggin. I really would’ve like to have been in Vegas this weekend anyway…even without the free hugs…but I did alright. Some people just have personal space issues.

Apartheid’s Still Worse – A South African minibus taxi driver five times over the legal blood alcohol limit at breakfast time was arrested on Wednesday for transporting 49 children in a 16-seat vehicle. Repeat of key terms: Taxi driver, five times over the legal limit, at breakfast time, 49 kids, 16 seats, arrested. The 26-year-old man was pulled over at a routine check-point in KwaZulu-Natal province, where traffic officials found the children, aged between three and 13, crammed on top of each other for the morning ride to school. "The man is now behind bars," Colin Govender of the Road Traffic Inspectorate said. The driver is due to appear in court on Thursday. With the soccer World Cup just months away, police are cracking down on rogue taxi operators in the hope that foreign visitors will use minibuses to get around the country. Millions of mostly black South Africans use minibus taxis to travel between townships and cities, although many of the vehicles are barely roadworthy and fatal accidents are common. Also, remember that he was stopped at a routine checkpoint, not pulled over for swerving or having kids hanging out the sunroof or anything like that. Just wanted you to have an image of this situation. What would’ve really been awkward is if among the 49 children, there was one adult. “Seriously, I was just trying to get to the office. The driver asked if it was okay if another fare came on, I said cool, little did I know a f**king preschool was going to hop on the magic school bus. Also, I don’t wanna be a dick…but I think the driver may have been drinking.”

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Glad you could all stop by and listen to me babble on about Love and hugs and lusting for halftime entertainment and Vegas and snow bunnies and whatever else comes to mind. Supposed to be a beautiful week and the sun actually stays up for about an hour once I get off work, so I’ve been more willing to go to the gym. Still haven’t really met anybody there…but hey, the ladies get to see the goods. It’s only a matter of time before someone between the ages of 18 & 40 gives me the eye. Have a great day everybody!!! Happy President’s Day!!!

No comments:

Where Should I Go Next?