Friday, February 26, 2010

Foxy Zombies with Dr Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s the end of the workweek once again. You’ve got a few days off (hopefully) and you’re in a good mood. Sure, work was rough this week. All the monthly reports with March starting on Monday, same old problems but new ways of wording it, memos going unread and leading to bigger problems, that guy that smells like burnt cheese & onions and never learned the art of peripherals, the lady with too much cheap perfume, meeting after meeting after meeting, yet another sexual harassment training (seriously, should I be concerned that I seem to be in one of those classes every few weeks?), but now… you can sleep in, watch TV in your undies (or robe if you’re married I guess), maybe catch a flick, go have a few beers, go for a walk, shoot some hoops, maybe catch up on some chores but at your pace, whatever. It’s your weekend. What’s that? Oh, a storm is coming? Well that’s okay. More reason to kick back at home, do a few chores, then relax by the fireplace in your undies watching whatever. What? You don’t have a fireplace? Tragic. Well then, let me see if I can’t warm you up by the end of this post…

Free Speech for Zombies? – Okay, we’re off to a bad start with warming you up…but trust me, it’s interesting…and more reason to bundle up in a blanket by the fireplace…maybe with a machete or a shotgun nearby, just in case. They're said to utter little more than an occasional groan and “braaains”, but zombies (the blood-drenched monsters of Hollywood "B" movies) still have a right to free speech, a US court ruled this week. An appeals court in the northern US city of Minneapolis, Minnesota on Wednesday allowed a group of zombies -- or rather, several protesters costumed as such -- to press ahead with their lawsuit against police who arrested them for disorderly conduct. The appeals court overturned a lower court in finding that the group of seven "zombies" had been wrongfully detained during a 2006 shopping mall protest against consumerism (makes sense in a way). The three-judge panel, by a two-to-one vote, ruled that Minneapolis police lacked probable cause to arrest the demonstrators for disorderly conduct. At the time of the protest, the plaintiffs were wearing makeup that gave them a "living dead" look: white face powder, fake blood and black circles around their eyes (I’ve seen worse on girls with too much makeup at the mall). They lurched stiff-legged through the halls of the mall urging shoppers to "get your brains here" and "brain cleanup in aisle five." (Wait, so…were they at a grocery store? I’m confused now. My brains hurt) In various bags, the protesters carried audio equipment including loudspeakers and wireless phone handsets, which police had described as "simulated weapons of mass destruction." (Really?) The judicial panel upheld the lower court in dismissing the plaintiffs' claims of "false imprisonment" and "First Amendment retaliation" by Minneapolis police after being put in jail for two nights. But the appeals court sided with the protesters in ruling that police had no reason to imprison them simply for "dressing as zombies, and walking erratically in downtown Minneapolis," the court decision said. "An objectively reasonable person would not think probable cause exists under the Minnesota disorderly conduct statue to arrest a group of peaceful people for engaging in an artistic protest by playing music, broadcasting statements (and) dressing as zombies," the appeals court ruled. The decision allows the protesters to revive their lawsuit against Minneapolis and its police, which according to the Star Tribune newspaper seeks damages of at least $50,000 per person arrested. Well, good luck with that, zombies. This kinda would’ve went into yesterday’s post about the law…but I think we’re missing the big picture here. Zombies have access to all the rights that we do. This is a slippery slope. Today it’s Free Speech and Habeas Corpus (or Corpses?). Tomorrow, maybe it’s the right to bear arms and property ownership (such as cemeteries). Then marriage, adoption, voting, etc. Then before you know it, we have our first Zombie President (though Bob Dole was pretty close to beating all of this). You think Health Care’s a hot button now? Just wait until you’re trying to put your brains back into your skull and your family’s all infected with the Rage (or whatever the plot for most zombie movies are nowadays). There’s a lot more dead people than live people. It’s bound to happen. Hopefully the Supreme Court can stop this…but then again, they’ve made some questionable decision recently too. Do zombies have a lobbyist group? I’m surprised this hasn’t been on the Daily Show. Or even Fox News. Unless… nooooo. Could Fox News be secretly backing the Zombie Party? And more importantly, with this whimsical rambling of random conjectures and slanderous hearsay, why don’t I have my own show on that network?

Robbin’ Old Folks Then We Makin’ the Daaaash – Who doesn’t love Slick Rick? Seriously? Well, it’s a little different…because instead of robbing old people, it’s better put old people robbing. An 80-year-old woman with a criminal record stretching back to 1955 (“GREAT SCOTT!!!”) has been sentenced to three years in state prison for ransacking and stealing cash from a Southern California medical office. Doris Thompson thanked a judge Wednesday for not sending her to Los Angeles County jail, which she doesn't like (few do), and said she deserved a longer sentence (they probably just don’t expect you to last too long). She also told the judge, "God bless you" (probably adding three months to her sentence for bringing church into the state…though they still make you swear on the Bible, what’s up with that?). State records show Thompson, who has used 27 aliases (that she remembers), has repeatedly been arrested during the past 55 years, mainly for petty theft and burglary. She's gone to jail several times. Thompson slipped into the medical office on December 19th and stole money from drawers. She pleaded guilty to burglary and was ordered to pay about $1,400 in restitution. She will be eligible for parole in about 18 months. It’s gonna be really difficult for her to relax by the fireplace for the next year or so. So be thankful that you’re not an elderly kleptomaniac.

Drunken Ninja – Okay, so I’m really not doing too well with this getting you all warmed up…but trust me, it’ll get better. This is just a little bit of a scare tactic to get closer to you. You know, like watching a scary movie…then we embrace each other in a cocoon of safety…and then one thing lead to another…and then police say the mother of an elementary school student drank a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor (Colt 45?) before brandishing a sword in her child's school. The woman, 32, apparently intended to confront the parents of another child who had been in a spitting match with her child the previous day. According to court records, an employee at Riverview Elementary School in Memphis reported a drunk woman armed with a sword was running through the halls of the school and had threatened to cut her. Officers who arrived on the scene retrieved a black cane that concealed the blade. The woman was charged with aggravated assault and having a weapon on school property (thanks to Beale Street, public drunkenness isn’t an offense apparently). Man, kids are real p***ies nowadays. A spitting match? Really? That’s it? Not even a black eye or a bloody nose or so much as a torn shirt? Spitting? I think mom had the right idea. “You expelled my child for spitting? Now I have to find a babysitter? I don’t play that.” “Ma’am it’s school policy to expel any student that’s involved…” Sword is unsheathed, “I’ll cut ya, b**ch.” Then the chase ensues. It’s okay, you’re safe. Here, share this blanket with me. Now that’s we’re close enough to get a deep whiff of each other’s pheromones, I’m gonna crank the heat up a bit…

Paris Too Hot for Brazil? Really? - Paris Hilton is giving blondes a bad name (and the sky is blue). So says Brazil's Secretariat for Women's Affairs, which wants a sultry beer commercial starring the hotel heiress, model and actor off the air (like those Carl’s Jr commercials that made me almost vomit…which I didn’t think was possible with a burger commercial). The ad features Hilton in a short black dress preening and rubbing a can of Devassa beer on herself, to the delight of onlookers watching through her window (frat boy lube?). The commercial isn't very explicit — especially in a land where postage-stamp-size bikinis are ubiquitous. But Brazil's regulations say beer commercials cannot treat women as overtly sensual objects. "It's an ad that devalues women — in particular, blond women," according to a spokeswoman for the Women's Secretariat who said it received numerous complaints. She spoke Thursday on condition of anonymity because she was not free to discuss the case. Many Brazilian beer ads feature women in bikinis — but a key difference is that those are set on the beach, said Eduardo Correia, a spokesman for the regulator Conar, which has opened three separate investigations into the campaign. "The problem with the ad isn't a lack of clothing, but its sensual nature. A woman in a bikini on a beach isn't necessarily sensual; it depends on the context." Conar is a private agency that cannot legally force a company to remove an ad…but Correia said that in 23 years of existence, Conar has conducted more than 7,000 investigations and not one of its recommendations has been ignored. Devassa, which means "naughty" in the most gentle of translations, is made by Grupo Schincariol. Calls to the company were not immediately returned Thursday. Devassa's "Bem Loura" ("Very Blond") beer also features an Internet campaign with Hilton wearing lingerie and high heels. Hilton was in Brazil last week during Carnival for the opening of the ad campaign. Photos in local newspapers showed her crawling on the floor in a VIP room during the extravagant samba parades. Okay, she must just like being the stereotype of a rich slut. That’s all I can figure. I mean…you’re rich. Like RICH!!! Why go to Brazil to crawl around & star in beer commercials? Maybe she wants to make it on her own & not use daddy’s money…and she’s just using what God gave her…and I can respect that. Still though. If you have enough dignity to not live off your parents, then maybe… I don’t know. Go to school. Be a role model or something. I don’t know. Oh…and I have no problem with sensual beer commercials or advertising. You all know this. (blbrrr…) Oh God, I just threw up a little again thinking of Paris eating a burger & rubbing herself down with naughty beer. Excuse me…

Angel Update – Remember Vanessa Angel? From “Kingpin” and the “Weird Science” TV series? How about Christina Applegate from “The Sweetest Thing” and “Married with Children”? Of course you do. And how could you possibly forget Alyssa Milano from “Fear” and “Charmed” (and “Who’s the Boss?”)? Well, what if I were to tell you that all three of them were going to star in another grotesquely funny Farrelly Brothers movie? You’d probably crap yourself with excitement, right? Well, Christina Applegate, Alyssa Milano and Vanessa Angel have all joined the Farrelly brothers comedy "Hall Pass" at New Line and Warner Bros. Pictures says The Hollywood Reporter. The story revolves around two couples with both wives giving their husbands permission to engage in extramarital encounters. When the wives begin exercising the same privilege for themselves, things get complicated (remember the whole jealousy study from the other day?). “So $teve, who else is going to be in this sexy romp?” I’m glad you asked…because Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis (“SNL”), Jenna Fischer (“The Office”), Amanda Bynes (“Big Fat Liar”), Stephen Merchant, J.B. Smoove, Larry Campbell, Nicky Whelan and Derek Waters also star. Shooting kicked off this week in Atlanta. So yeah, there you go…and enjoy these while I throw a few logs on the fire…

Angelina Update - The "Wanted" sequel has apparently been cancelled after Angelina Jolie pulled out (tehehe, sorry) of the project reports Vulture. According to the column, Universal decided to pull the plug on the film instead of recasting the role. The first film's helmer Timur Bekmambetov was set to direct and James McAvoy was going to return as Wesley Gibson in the film which was to shoot later this year. Instead Jolie is now expected to star in the space thriller "Gravity" which Alfonso Cuarón ("Children of Men") is helming for Warner Bros. and Legendary Pictures. Jolie would play the sole survivor of a space mission gone wrong who desperately tries to return to Earth and see her daughter again (so “Changeling” meets “2001: Space Odyssey”?). David Heyman, who worked with Cuaron on "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban", will produce. Cuaron co-wrote the script with his son Jonás. Jolie is currently shooting the Johnny Depp-led thriller "The Tourist" in Paris. You know, I’m not one to ask stupid questions for no reason…and spoiler alert for anybody who didn’t see the first “Wanted” movie…but didn’t Fox (Jolie) DIE in the original? Was there going to be a Zombie Fox? Which leads me to my next question…and I’m sure it’s been asked around a few campfires…but would you still want to f**k a Zombie Angelina? I thought so…and that’s why the sequel was planned for a few moments. Anyway, no big loss…because now, we get a sexy space thriller to follow up a steamy Parisian thriller with her & Johnny Depp. More sex, less violence. I like it.

Fox Update – Not Zombie Fox…but the real Fox. Mickey Rourke has had some great things to say about his costar Megan Fox…but first, it’s been a pretty good week for Mickey in other news too, so we’ll get to that first. Filming on "Conan", the upcoming new adaptation of Robert E. Howard's fantasy epic about the sword-wielding barbarian (you remember the Arnie movies), kicks off in Bulgaria on March 15th so some final elements are now being locked down. First up, an early report that first surfaced at Latino Review, and has now been confirmed by Heat Vision, states that Mickey Rourke is in negotiations to play Conan's father in the adventure. The film follows Conan (played by Jason Momoa) as he embarks on a quest to avenge the murder of his people. Leo Howard stars as the younger incarnation of the character who will be the one most likely to interact with Rourke's father character. Meanwhile a reliable source has revealed that scribe Sean Hood has been hired to rewrite Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer's script. Hood penned "Hercules", a screenplay with similar themes for producers Joe Gatta and Boaz Davidson at Millennium Films who are also working on "Conan". "Conan" director Marcus Nispel (also did “Pathfinder” which kicks ass & the sh*tty “Friday the 13th” remake) and Hood previously worked together on the script for sci-fi/thriller "Subterranean" which may shoot later this year. So you may get to see Mickey swing an axe or two in a few flashbacks. Good for him. Some ladies find him attractive, I’m told. But now to the real news…and why this is a Fox Update.

While working together on the movie “Passion Play”, Mickey Rourke has discovered the reason that Megan Fox doesn't get the props she deserves. "People say bad stuff about her and how she can't act, but they only say that because she's beautiful. She's the most talented actress I've worked with. When she cries in a scene, I get emotional." I hear ya, buddy. How about that? Hollywood leading man for the past three decades (okay the 90’s weren’t the best time for him) says that Megan Fox is the most talented actress that he has ever worked with. That holds a lot of clout. Not a tremendous amount as if a Tom Hanks or Marlon Brando said it…but still, kudos for sticking up for my girl while the media bashes on her. What? You want to know why it doesn’t hold as much clout. Well, I hate to say it…but if you’re to look at the specifics of his statement, you realize that she doesn’t have a whole lot of competition. She’s talented in my opinion…and not just fantastic eye candy…but you also have to look at actresses that Mickey Rourke was worked with over the years. Here are some of the highlights…and yes, these are the best that I could find…

Marisa Tomei - “The Wrestler” (2008) – “But $teve, she’s an Academy Award winning actress?” Really? Have you ever seen “My Cousin Vinny”? I have absolutely no idea how to constitute an Oscar being given to her for that. She played an annoying (yet hot) stereotype with an annoying accent and a love for muscle cars (again, hot). That’s like Rosie Perez getting an Academy Award for “White Men Can’t Jump” in my opinion. (“But Beeeelly, I want to make love” shiver). Still she was pretty good in this movie for what was ultimately a bit of an awkward role.

Jaime King & Carla Gugino – “Sin City” (2005) – “But $teve, there were a lot of good actresses in that movie?” Yup…and Mickey didn’t work with them. Hell, there’s so much CGI in that movie, I’m not sure if anybody was in the same room at the same time. I love this movie. There’s no denying that…and I really like Carla Gugino as a tough-ass actress…but they had two scenes together…and Carla was (thankfully) naked for both of them. Go ahead, call my bluff. Watch it again. Jaime King’s a model…and that’s why she barely talks in this movie…and it’s probably best that way. Sorry Goldie.

Keira Knightley – “Domino” (2006) – Keira Knightley is a socialite turned bounty hunter. That is all you need to know about this movie really. I didn’t even watch it until the end. Based on a true story.

Salma Hayek & Eva Mendes – “Once Upon a Time in Mexico” (2003) – I’ll have to watch the movie again to see if he’s in a scene with either of these two. It’s been a while. I’m pretty sure he was bummed that he had that Chihuahua on his arm the whole time rather than either of these chicas. And yes, I know that he loved his Chihuahua...but come on, nobody can love their dog more than those two. Really.

Mimi Rogers – “Desperate Hours” (1990) – Sir Anthony Hopkins was in this movie. Now if he were to say Megan Fox is the most talented actress he’s ever worked with, then you’ve really got something to hang a career on. However, if you’re comparing her with Mrs. Kensington from “Austin Powers” instead of Jodie Foster… Sigh… I hate dissecting things like this…but it’s what I do sometimes. I’d make a great lawyer.

Ellen Barkin – “Johnny Handsome” (1989) – An ironic title given that this was just after the horrific motorcycle accident that almost killed him…but hey, Ellen Barkin’s got some clout. “Ocean’s 13”, “The Big Easy” (with my doppelganger Dennis Quaid), “Wild Bill”, “The Fan”, how about as the waitress in “Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas”? No? Nothing memorable for ya? Okay.

Lisa Bonet – “Angel Heart” (1987) – GOD!!! This movie was horrible…yet I can’t seem to forget it. So the girl from “The Cosby Show” is this gorgeous, wholesome young woman…and then in this movie, she spends half of it bucky naked, half Mickey’s age and among the many memorable scenes (like the first time you see a cow slaughtered) is a gory sex scene & what I like to call “The I Love Chicken Dance” (and the ladies love for me to act out).

Kim Basinger – “Nine ½ Weeks” (1986) – NOW we’re getting somewhere. Remember this movie? Mmm… And Kim Basinger? Star of “LA Confidential”, “8 Mile”, “Cool World”, “Wayne’s World 2” (Horn-eh, it’s French), & “Batman”? Sigh…okay so in those movies she’s basically just playing hot (and doing it well) but I think she got a nod from the Academy for “LA Confidential” opposite Russell Crowe. Great flick by the way. Then again, she wasn’t at her best in “Cool World” so that kinda maybe negates that. Okay, so oddly enough, she’s basically the Alec Baldwin of actresses, so what? I’m trying to help.

Summary: Okay, so basically he’s just saying that at the current time he feels that Miss Fox is a better actress than Kim Basinger or Keira Knightley, which isn’t a bold statement at all. I like that Mickey’s backing her though…because she seems too humble (at least in the interviews) to say anything back to her critics (probably a good move too). So, I’m probably going to watch Passion Play…but I may have to wait for the DVD because well…they probably won’t even have it in Reno for more than opening weekend, which is unfortunate. Oh well, Jonah Hex, The Crossing and others will probably be widespread (mmm… wide spread…) releases so I may be able to get my Foxy Theatre Fix this year. Or worst-case, I get to enjoy her acting skills on my own big screen at home…next to the fireplace…maybe with you.

Woo, it’s getting a little sweaty up in here. Sorry about all that. Oh my, you’re taking all of your clothes off because it’s so warm. Here, have some more chilled champagne. That’ll help. What’s that? You like it hot & sweaty. Well okay then. Come again? Oh okay, we can go into the other room if you’d like. Of course I do. Swords, knives, a few blunt objects strategically placed throughout… OH, you mean THAT kind of protection. Oh yes, I have that as well…and a big gun. Well ladies & gentlemen, if you’ll excuse me, I have to try to keep this sweet thing warm in this harsh weather. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Snuggle up with somebody you Love.

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