Come On Baby, Let Me Know

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s almost Valentine’s / President’s Weekend. Do you have plans? Do you have someone to hold you tight & keep you warm? Well, I hope so…but if not, you know where I’m at. It’s supposed to be a beautiful weekend here in Tahoe so I’ve got to find something (or someone) to do. I’m sure I will though. I’m pretty resilient that way…and let’s face it, I’m charming, adorable, funny, smart, sweet, tall, courteous, and hung like a horse. If the ladies can get past the fact that I’m a bit of a dork, then like Tony Montana said, “With the right woman, ain’t no stopping me. I go straight to the top.” Okay, so time for the funny story of the day…

As I was leaving work yesterday, a male coworker of mine (honestly don’t recall his name…so we’ll call him Fred) asked, “So did you go topless last week?” “Excuse me?” I looked around to see if he was perhaps talking to somebody more amply chested then myself standing behind me. “You drive that red Jeep right? The hard-top?” “Oh yeah, yeah that’s me. Are you the red soft-top that I see out there?” “Yeah buddy. Last week was National Topless Day, February 3rd. You’re supposed to pop your top off, no matter what the weather.” “Oh, I didn’t know that such a thing existed. I’m a fairly new Jeep owner. I’m sure my newsletter’s on the way. Wait, didn’t it snow February 3rd?” “It sure did.” “Hmm, glad I didn’t know about it then.” It was about this time that I noticed that there were two female coworkers standing in a nearby doorjam eavesdropping on our conversation (one of which I think is REALLY cute, we’ll call her Millie), “What are you guys talking about?” Fred said, “It’s a Jeep thing. Don’t worry about it.” So basically, now a girl that I think is really cute knows that I have a sweet red Jeep…and that I have no problem with going topless when the time is right…nor apparently discussing it in the workplace. Anyway, here’s the news with a bit of Valentine’s Twist…

Sexiest Songs? - Just in time for Valentine's Day, Billboard has ranked the 50 sexiest songs by popularity (and, in absolute atrocity, Barry White didn't even make the list). Any guesses on what the sexiest song of all time is? Anybody? You’ll never ever guess. It’s really quit ridiculous. Give up? It's Olivia Newton-John…and that f**king song "Physical" is No. 1, followed by Rod Stewart's "Tonight's the Night (Gonna Be Alright)." Rounding out the top five are Boyz II Men's ballad "I'll Make Love to You," Next's "Too Close" and Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On." (Gaye's "Sexual Healing" is also #35) It's not until No. 10 with Rod Stewart's "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" that sex is mentioned in any song title. Oh yeah, you read that right. There are TWO Rod Stewart songs in the top 10…and no Barry White in the top 50. Billboard's list, released Thursday, is based on the popularity of songs from 1958 until early January of this year. So I blame YOU for this horrible list. Okay, not you specifically…but, for example, people who were alive back when the chick from Grease & Rod Stewart were considered sexy…so probably not too many people reading this sentence. Anyway, the list is crap obviously…but here are a few ditties that I liked…

15. "You Makin' Me High" by Toni Braxton - I would actually place this a little higher on my list. Nothing like a sultry queen appreciating the finer things...

20. "Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band - Greatest dirty song ever...and Ron Burgundy agrees...but sexy?

23. "Do Me" by Bell Biv Devoe - I karaoke the f**k outta this song...

24. “Ignition” by R. Kelly – I love love LOVE that this song is on here…because it is, in fact, on my mix tape that I noted earlier in this blog of mine. Besides, apparently R. Kelly has a bit of a bad reputation now…but you can’t deny the song. And yes, I have sang this song to Baby, Brandy & Gretchen…and they love it. I also like that "Bump & Grind" is #36.

Electric Boogaloo – Music is a pretty important part of “setting the mood” but what’s even better? How about learning to dance a bit? Cut a rug? Impress your woman with your ballroom dancing skills (oh yes ladies, I lika do da cha cha) and then later on the two of you can mambo all night long. Then there’s this douche. A Baraboo, Wisconsin man was accused of repeatedly shocking a male dance instructor with a stun gun, claiming the instructor was a "sinner" who "defiles married women." A Dane County prosecutor said the suspect, 59, hastily arranged a dance lesson at the instructor's Madison home and showed up with a stun gun and sledgehammer (#41 on the sexiest songs list, oddly enough) last Friday. The criminal complaint said the man told a detective that his church does not condone touching while dancing and that he was going to scare the instructor "and tell him to leave the women alone." The Wisconsin State Journal said the instructor told police that the suspect phoned for private dance lessons, and when he opened the door to his home, he began to shock him repeatedly in the neck with the stun gun. Thank God that whack job forgot about the sledgehammer. Speaking of douches…

John Mayer’s Douchedom Revealed – Yeah ladies, I like his songs too…but just read the article. That’s all I’m going to say on that.

Formula for Love? - Romantics looking for everlasting love will swoon over a new love equation released just in time for Valentine's Day and which can calculate the right age to fall in love. The equation nicknamed the "Fiancee Formula" was created by an Australian mathematics professor and works by factoring in the age at which you start looking for a long-term partner and the absolute oldest age you would consider getting married. "Although probability isn't the most romantic basis for a marriage, the formula does seem to fit a lot of couples -- whether through accident or design," said the equation's creator, Professor Tony Dooley at the University of New South Wales. "There's no reason why the science can't be extended to calculate the best moment to marry." However, love birds take note, the mathematical equation for love only has a 37% success rate. The formula is helpful as a guide for the right moment to start getting serious, but could also be used by nervous men to calculate when to avoid the ultimate commitment, said Dooley. Want to know the formula? Yeah? Well, here’s the link for it…and it’s completely founded in random numbers. Why is it the 37% success rate? No idea…but it’s basically taking the age where you first consider the idea of proposing…and the latest age you would still consider it…and picking the point that’s 37% of the way between those ages. So let’s say for example, I would consider marriage now (28, since I can’t go back in time) and the latest would be 40 (by then I’ll just f**k anything with a heartbeat). So that’s 12 years difference, 37% of the way through that would be my prime proposal age…so I would be 32 or so. There’s your formula. Best of luck to all of you…but I’m going to give you some mathematical advice on dating (and no, it’s not the famous nerdy pickup line of “You…plus me…minus our clothes…divide your legs…and we’ll multiply” That was 3rd grade!!!). If you want to increase your odds at finding the right mate, then you have to maximize the potential of MEETING the right mate. You want to find someone with your moral values? Go to a church or charity event or clan meeting or whatever you like to do. Want to find someone who’s smart & shares your love for reading? Go to a library or a Shakespearean festival or an art gallery. Want to meet somebody who’s a crazy alcoholic & will probably forget you within a week? Go to a bar (or a friend’s wedding…or a wake). Will you find what you’re looking for? Maybe…but I know one thing. You’re not going to find the New World unless you have the balls to head West. And gentlemen, you’ll know when the time is right to propose. You don’t have to wait until you’re 32.42 years of age or whatever. Honestly, according to this formula, if I was first considering marriage at 22, then my prime time for proposing would’ve been 28.64 years old…which I believe was during my Christmas vacation to Utah a few weeks back…and I have a 37% chance that the next girl that I go out with will be the Love of my life and all that. Don’t rely on numbers. They can deceive. How do I know this? 73% of all statistics are made up on the fly. 39% of high school graduates know that. Good luck.

Well, that’ll do it for today. I just want to thank you all for reading & hopefully enjoying my little rants here…and big ups to all the family & friends out there who make my life so f**king fantastic. I miss you & love you all madly. My wish is that you are all able to spend time with those you Love and enjoy some of those sexy songs together. Have a great weekend everybody!!!