Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Gretchen Gets Gistered

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s official. Gretchen has a license plate…and no, it’s not a sweet personalized plate like “DR LOVE” or “GRETCHEN” or “TO H8R” or “COITUS” or anything like that. It’s standard. Sorry to disappoint…but I figured that would’ve added another 6 months to the struggle…and creditors were getting antsy about the whole thing. Talk to the bailout people if you need my hard-earned cash. I pay taxes. Oh...and if you're wondering about the blog title, it's because she wasn't registered. This is the first time, so she was gistered. That's a word, right? Well it is now. Anyway, other than that, not a whole lot to report…other than there’s a LOT of stupid people doing really stupid stuff. Please enjoy…

“Busted” Update – So, remember last week when I talked about the guy who was caught looking at pictures of Miranda Kerr while at work ON LIVE TV??? No? Well, it happened. Anyway, it’s a happy day because the guy gets to keep his job (with internet restrictions, I’m sure). The Australian banker who became an internet sensation after he was caught on live television viewing images of a scantily clad supermodel on his computer will keep his job, Macquarie Bank said Friday. "He will remain an employee of Macquarie," the bank said in a statement. "Macquarie and the employee apologize for any offence that may have been caused." David Kiely, who works in Macquarie Private Wealth in Sydney, opened emails Tuesday containing pictures of Kerr, unaware a colleague behind him was doing a live television interview about the Australian economy. The incident became a YouTube hit and sparked an online campaign that urged forgiveness. The financial website "Here is the City News" set up a "Save Dave" page encouraging readers to email the public relations department of Macquarie Bank to save Kiely's job. The web campaign listed four reasons why Kiely should be allowed to keep his job: he seems like a nice bloke; the photographs were not hardcore; he has suffered enough, and there's just too much political correctness in this world anyway. Macquarie is known in banking circles as the "millionaire's club" because of the high bonuses earned by some of its staff. Anyway, he’s safe…for now. Methinks it has something to do with Miranda Kerr herself coming to his defense…but what do I know?

The Sight’s A Little Off - A man accidentally shot himself in the leg shortly after leaving a Jupiter gun store (Florida, not the planet). Police said the unidentified man went to Chuck's Guns and Ammo (ah, a name of quality) on Monday afternoon, looking for batteries for the laser sight on a small handgun. When the man was back in his car, the gun accidentally fired, hitting him in the leg. The man was taken to a West Palm Beach hospital for treatment. Always have the safety on, my friend. I really don’t have anything else to say about this story other than…I just imagine the guy checking the laser sight on his hand or something, smiling with the bliss of a child who just got a new Tonka truck, and then frowning after a loud pop and blood gushing through a new hole in his leg. Hope you get well soon, buddy.

Stealing an Ambulance – Have you ever noticed that a funny story usually starts with “Authorities say a drunken man…blank”? Well, I have...and authorities say a drunken man stole an ambulance from a Wisconsin ski area with the patient and paramedics still inside. The Dane County Sheriff's Department says emergency responders were treating a patient in the back of the ambulance at the Tyrol Basin Ski and Snowboard Area in Mount Horeb on Monday night. They say a 24-year-old Illinois man got into the vehicle and drove it around the parking lot. The sheriff's department says deputies arrested the man…but it is unclear how he was stopped (snow bank maybe?). Fitch-Rona Medical Service Deputy Chief Dale Dow says the ambulance's emergency brake was on and paramedics were still in the back when the man got inside. He says he doesn't know what happened after that. No other details were immediately available. Well, here’s my guess since I happen to be an expert in drunken theory. I think they’ll find that the man behind the wheel was actually a friend or extremely concerned passerby of the injured person. After a few minutes of treatment, he thought he’d take matters into his own hands. “Don’t worry, buddy. I’ll get you to the hosssspital.” He hops in the ambulance, knowingly inebriated and putting himself (and others) in danger, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. He drives off…and after a few yards he realizes an odor coming from the vehicle. “Whoa, is that me?” No, it’s the emergency brake that you forgot to disengage. He drives around the parking lot and soon realizes that he’s in a foreign land. “Where the ffffflap is the exit?” He hears a commotion from the back, “Don’t worry guys. We’re almost there.” POOF!!! Snow bank. I’ll let you know if there’s any official update on the story…but I’m sticking with my version.

Sword Swallower – Insert oral sex joke at leisure throughout this story. An Australian performance artist set a new Guinness World Record on Monday by simultaneously swallowing 18 swords, each nearly as long as two and a half rulers (here’s a good spot for a political oral sex joke). Chayne Hultgren, also known by his stage name The Space Cowboy (another good spot, for example, “In space, nobody can hear you coming”), beat the record he had set in 2008 by swallowing the swords, each 72 cm (about 28 inches) long, at an outdoor event in central Sydney. The 31-year-old said he started practicing with swords when he was 16 (wait…) and has used different methods to perfect the art (wait…), including stretching his throat with hoses (NOW!!!). He said that while the stunt was not dangerous, he spent many hours training for it. After setting the record, he said, "Wow, I did it, it feels good, thank you very much, it feels really good actually." (Did anybody else read that with a lisp too?) Congratulations Chayne!!! And my apologies if my jokes offended you. Then again, you are a sword swallower.

Forgetting the Ten Crack Commandments – Can anybody else recite the Ten Crack Commandments? Remember? Biggie Smalls? No? Okay, well…it’s a step-by-step booklet for you to get your game on track (not your wig pushed back) with regards to the crack industry. It’s okay though, apparently there are a few out there who don’t know it…or maybe just forgot it over the years (R.I.P. B.I.G.) Authorities said a man accused of stealing a car, then reporting it stolen remains in custody after telling police he was robbed at gunpoint while trying to buy crack cocaine with a credit card (“That goddamn credit, forget it! You think a crackhead paying you back?”). The Flint Journal said the man reported Thursday night that a 2003 Chevy Malibu had been stolen. Police reports indicated the vehicle was previously stolen out of Lapeer, Michigan (about 50 miles north-northwest of my favorite US city Detroit). The suspect is being lodged (nice way of putting it) at the Genesee County Jail. No further details were released. As the late great Rick James said, “Cocaine’s a helluva drug.” I thought it funny that they said “the suspect is being lodged” especially after this next story.

Rent-A-Cell - Supplementing one's income by renting out a spare room is hardly a novel concept, but the Netherlands took it a big step further Friday when, in an European first, it officially leased a prison to Belgium. With plenty of prison cells to spare (cuz everything’s legal except margarine or stuff like that), the Netherlands has agreed to admit 500 Belgian inmates into its prison in the southern Dutch city of Tilburg. Belgium will pay the Dutch 30 million euros (over $41 million) a year for the favor under a three-year deal. Spearheaded last year by former Belgian prime minister Herman van Rompuy (who is now President of the European Council) the initiative should provide relief to Belgium's overcrowded prisons until new ones come into operation from 2012. Dutch Deputy Justice Minister Nebahat Albayrak delivered the keys of the prison to Belgian Justice Minister Stefaan De Clerck, handing over a hand-sized symbolic key tied to ribbons in the color of the Dutch and Belgian flags in a ceremony also attended by Dutch Justice Minister Ernst Hirsch Ballin (that’s right, ballin’ is his real name). Albayrak said, "We are not making a profit here. Construction of many prisons over a short period combined with lower criminality rates meant that we had overcapacity." The prison, located in Tilburg's outer city districts and surrounded by an electric, barbed-wire fence, will be staffed by both Dutch and Belgian employees, while the director, Frank Schoeters, is also Belgian. The transfer of inmates to Tilburg will take place throughout February, with detainees at risk of flight or a social risk that is not in line with the prison's security level excluded from the deal, the Dutch authorities said. The overcrowded conditions in many of Belgium's 32 prisons (20 of which date back to the 19th century) can often provide a sharp contrast to the Dutch prisons. Belgium caters for 10,400 prisoners by having only 8,400 places, a far cry from the overcapacity of 2,000 places that the Netherlands has. Matching demand with supply can be challenging for many governments when it comes to prison infrastructure. The United States, home to the world's largest prison population, turns to the private sector to accommodate some of its inmates. The Dutch prisoners at Tilburg have already been transferred to other prisons in the Netherlands. The deal with Belgium can be extended or reduced by one year, based on the needs of the two sides. According to Albayrak, "What I understand is that most people that are selected to be placed in Tilburg are quite happy and I also hear some are disappointed when they are not selected." Yeah, that’s gotta suck. Hmm, the Netherlands has too few criminals to put in their prisons…yet I seem to post stories like this every few weeks…

Amsterdam Update – And a VERY Happy Valentine’s Day to you all!!! A week before Valentine's Day, a consignment of cocaine was found hidden among 20,000 roses from Latin America at Amsterdam airport, Dutch authorities said Wednesday. The roses arrived last Sunday on a flight from Bogota, Colombia (renowned for having the best roses in all the world), which stopped over in Puerto Rico, the public prosecutors' office said in a statement. The drug was found in cellophane packets hidden in boxes containing the roses. Three people in the Netherlands were arrested and police found a total of 9 kilos (20 lb) of cocaine in their possession, including the seized shipment, with a street value of about 1.3 million euros. The Netherlands is a major flower trading hub, home to the world's biggest flower auction house and is the source of 60% of the world's flower exports. What tipped off authorities? My guess, there were three things – That the shipment came from Bogota, the shipment was roses & not tulips (a.k.a. Dutch gold) and the last one…is they paid for the shipment in cash (“That goddamn credit, forget it!!!”).

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. I hope you enjoyed today’s run through the funny pages. Glad to finally have a license plate on Gretchen…and it only took a little over two months and more time off work than I’d care to discuss. I’m in a good mood. Have a great day everybody!!!

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