Friday, February 19, 2010

Good Reasons to Get Drunk

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

My mom has sent me her itinerary and she’ll be here three weeks from this morning. I can’t wait. Not only do I get to see my mama for the first time since Christmas…and we get to spend a four-day weekend together…and we always seem to have fun no matter what the circumstances…but we have a great chance to get sh*t faced too. “What? But $teve, she’s not going to be there for St. Patrick’s Day like you & the Mad Scientist spent in Denver last year and you & several of your coworkers developed “strep throat” that next workday.” That is absolutely true…but there’s the 1st Annual Prohibition Pub Crawl the previous Friday night down in North Lake Tahoe as part of Snowfest! So that should be a fun time. I’ve been on Wine Walks with my mother before down at Lake Las Vegas…and it’s always epic when my mom & I are mildly intoxicated. So if anybody would care to join us (and maybe be a designated driver) I promise there’d be a great show. Anyway, that’s about it. Here’s the news…

Chicago Opportunity – The recession has left a LOT of people out of work…and scrambling about the country in search for jobs (as has been well documented on this blog). However, now there’s an opportunity for somebody in the Chicago area that’s rather unique. Help wanted: registered voter with a conscience for position on the Chicago City Council. Salary $110,556 a year (get the f**k out, really?). Ex-felons need not apply (no convictions on my resume). Chicago Mayor Richard Daley decided to take a different approach to fill two vacancies on the city's 50-member city council, posting a notice on the city's website listing qualifications for the job. Candidates should be registered voters, have lived in the ward for a least a year and provide three letters of recommendation attesting to their community involvement. No current politicians, tax delinquents or anyone convicted of any "infamous crime, bribery, perjury or other felony" need apply. One vacancy was created when the previous office-holder pleaded guilty to illegally accepting favors from a developer. The aldermanic appointments will be the mayor's 34th and 35th, and he has indicated he is fed up with the high rate of malfeasance in the council (then again, that’s like being upset about all the allergies when you’re a zookeeper). "You've got to start somewhere," Daley spokesman Lance Lewis said. "We want to encourage residents who are interested to apply." The six-digit civil servant salary is a great start. I wouldn’t think there was a need for a bribe with a paycheck like that (only about four times what I made last year before taxes…and I worked in three f**king states). I wonder if there’s any jobs like that here in Truckee. You know, part time alderman or weekend baby kisser or something. Hell, I’d be Arnie’s court jester if it paid that well. “Bring in da funny man.” “Hey hey hey! How’s it going, Dutch? Long time no understand.” “Enough of de maacking of my ass-ent. Dance for me, monkey!” “Not until you say get down.” “GIT DAOOOWN!!!” “Wit cho bad self, say it loud!!!” “I’M BAACK & I’M PROUD!!!” “SAY IT LOUD!!!” “I’M BAACK & I’M PROUD!!!” I’d be the hardest working man in politics, which isn’t saying much…but it’s saying something.

Livin’ Like Eskimos - It's quite the man cave. Jimmy Grey says he's been out of work for almost a year and needed a project to stay busy. So with the heavy snowfall this winter, the 25-year-old laborer got to work on an extreme igloo in his family's yard in Aquilla, Ohio, about 30 miles east of Cleveland. His four-room creation has 6-foot ceilings (must be an average-sized gentleman) and an entertainment room. He powers the TV with an extension cord plugged into an outlet in the garage. He also ran wires for cable television with surround-sound stereo. Grey says candles help add ambiance for nighttime get-togethers with friends, and the freezing temperatures mean that the beer never goes warm. Not bad. Yet another example of what happens when creative people get bored when they’re unemployed…and this one didn’t involve porn on a billboard (just in the sanctity of his own Fortress of Solitude). Very nice, Mr. Grey.

Bacon Update – Yes, another update on everybody’s 2nd favorite kind of bacon, the Kevin variety. Apparently, he and Djimon Hounsou (“Gladiator”, “Push”, “Blood Diamond”) will team on the action thriller "Elephant White" for Millennium Films says Reuters. Hounsou will play a mercenary and Bacon is an old acquaintance of his with shifting allegiances (“WILD CARD, B**CHES!!! WOOOHOOOOO!!!”). And of course, since there’s an elephant in the title of the movie, Thai director Prachya Pinkaew ("Chocolate" and the "Ong-Bak" movies) will make his English-language directorial debut on the film which Kevin Bernhardt penned. Shooting kicks off March 8th in Thailand. It will probably be a pretty good movie…more along the lines of “Blood Diamond” than “Ong-Bak.” Then again, if Kevin Bacon can turn his footloose moves into half of what Tony Jaa can do…then we may have a real kick-ass movie on our hands. We all know that he can dance fight

Rappers & Romney Rumble – This story was just too good to pass up. A rap singer says former Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney (“Who let the dogs out?”) first touched him (and not the other way around) during a confrontation aboard an Air Canada flight that was preparing to take off from Vancouver, British Columbia. Sky Blu, whose given name is Skyler Gordy, says in a video posted Friday on (so it must be true) that he was trying to go to sleep when he leaned his seat back in the coach section of a the Vancouver-to-Los Angeles flight Monday. He says Romney loudly told him several times to straighten it (and fly right?), as is required until takeoff under commercial flight regulations. Then, he says, Romney reached forward and grabbed his shoulder (oh it’s ON now). "I just react — boom — get off me, you know," Gordy says in the video, taking a swing through the air as he speaks. "And I didn't take it any further than that. I just wanted the man not to touch me; that's it." Gordy says that Romney's wife, Ann, screamed and that the plane returned to the gate before two police officers escorted him off. After being detained briefly, he was allowed to buy a ticket for another flight. Romney spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom had no comment Friday about whether Gordy was the man with whom Romney had the confrontation, but aides said this week that Romney told them he thought the other person was in a band. Christine Wolff at Interscope Records confirmed that Gordy made the video, which also was posted on the group's Web site. Air Canada referred calls to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Sgt. Rob Vermeulen confirmed there was an incident on the flight, but he refused to release the names of those involved because no one was arrested (and it’s none of your damn business). Shortly after the confrontation, Fehrnstrom said the passenger became "physically violent" with Romney, but the former Massachusetts governor did not retaliate and instead let the authorities deal with it. Gordy says in the video that Romney grabbed him with a "condor grip," as a sidekick play-acts the scene and adds: "Vulcan grip." (So which was it? Condor or Vulcan?) Gordy then outlines his objection, saying, "I'm not your prey. I'm not a salmon going upstream. You're not going to rip me up." The rapper says he was on the flight because he and his group, LMFAO, had been performing in Vancouver, where the Olympic Winter Games are being held. The Romneys were also there as special guests after Mitt Romney's (alleged) work heading the 2002 Games in Salt Lake City. Gordy says that after the plane pulled away from the gate, he put a jacket over his head and was trying to go to sleep when he felt "too upright." After he reclined his seat, he says, he heard Romney say repeatedly and loudly, "Sir, sir, put your seat up." Gordy says in the video that he pulled off his jacket, wondered whether Romney was being serious and then thought to himself, "If you ask nicely, I'll put it up." But then things got physical, he says. LMFAO, composed of Stefan Gordy and nephew Skyler, made their debut last year and are known for party music. They are best known for their club hit "I'm In Miami, B**ch" (which I assume is inspired by a true story) They were recently nominated for a Grammy for their debut CD, "Party Rock." Stefan Gordy is the son of Motown founder Berry Gordy…and Skyler is Berry Gordy's grandson. I’m sorry, I just…could you imagine being on a flight, waiting for take off, then all of a sudden you hear “Back up off me, son” and see Lil Jon square up against Al Gore or something. “Now look sir, according to federal regulation…” “HWHAAAT???” “I was saying, according to federal regul…” “HWHAAAT???” “According to federal…” “HWHAAAT???” “Sir, are you aware that you’re frustrating me?” “YEAAAAH!!! Whatchu gon’ do?” “Excuse me, stewardess. This man is not cooperating with…” “GET LOW!!!” “Excuse me?” KA-POW!!! Lil Jon sends Al back into his seat with an overhand right. “I warned ya playa!!! YEAH, YEAH…” Gore gets back up as everybody on the plane now has their video cameras out from under their seat & overhead compartments and cell phones set to YouTube download. “Sir, I am not a man of violence. Perhaps if we discuss this over a glass of Crunk Juice…” “WATCHOUTNOW!!!” Another punch is caught mid-route by the former Vice President, who with a mere flick of the wrist sends the flamboyant writer / producer into his seat in the full, upright position. Security approaches the two men, now seated comfortably, “Excuse me sir. Do we have a problem here?” “I don’t know, Mister Jon. DO we have a problem?” “YE… No sir. I believe we have settled our differences sufficiently. I was out of line. Please forgive me.” “Absolutely. Would you care for another drink?” “No, thank you.” Anyway, just a thought…and I’m waiting for the rematch of Motown versus Beantown (sorry Boston, but Mitt’s allegedly from Massachusetts so I’m pinning him on you) on UFC 112 or something.

Supposedly to snow a bit this weekend so we’ll see if I can find a way to entertain myself. I trust in my abilities though. Really excited about the pub crawl in a few weeks. I may have to start practicing in the evenings…you know, after the workout, do a few 12 ounce curls until I hurl. I’m starting to really plan things out for my road trip in April too so…yeah, getting excited about that too. SO many things that I want to see all along the Pacific Coast…and in Vegas & Utah…and only a few weeks to check them out. Also, if the weather cooperates, I'm going to an all-female Led Zeppelin cover band - Zepperella. Until then though, I’ve just gotta save up the fun fund so that I can afford all of it. Hopefully my tax refund comes in soon. That’d be sweet. Have a great day everybody!!!

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