Friday, February 5, 2010

Back Up Off My Boy!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I ranted a bit yesterday. I apologize for that…unless you found it hilarious or thought-provoking…and then I meant every word of it. Today I pinky swear that it’s going to be sexier…and more of what you’re used to. Why? Because it’s Friday night, the fireplace is crackling, the wine is chilled, the music’s rumbling low, your lips taste like strawberries & you like the feel of tiger fur on your bare thighs. So come have a picnic with me & we’ll read the newspaper before our torrid love affair kicks off…

Vegas Update – Ah, my sweet mistress is going through some rough times, both financially & personally. Not only are people not giving her the attention that she needs to sustain her lavish and fancy-free lifestyle…but now, politicians are talkin’ smack on her…and not just any politicians, but one I actually respect a little bit. President Barack Obama is known for having a way with words, but some lawmakers from Nevada wish he would pipe down about trips to Sin City. After sparking a firestorm of criticism from Nevada's elected officials for suggesting that people saving money for college shouldn't blow it in Las Vegas, Obama told U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in a letter that he wasn't saying anything negative about Las Vegas. It was the second time since taking office that Obama singled out Las Vegas as a potential example of spending excessively. "I was making the simple point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country's great destinations." Obama said he always enjoys his visits to Las Vegas (yeah baby). Perception and reputation are sensitive issues for Sin City as it struggles to find footing amid a two-year meltdown of foreclosures, bankruptcies and unemployment. Tourism is the Silver State's backbone, and several lawmakers said they were shocked that Obama singled out Las Vegas again after commenting last February that bailed-out banks shouldn't go to Las Vegas using taxpayer money (honestly they shouldn’t be going to Detroit either, they should be focusing on not running us into a depression but hey, tourism needs a financial boost too). "When times are tough, you tighten your belts," Obama said, according to a White House transcript of his appearance Tuesday at a high school in Nashua, N.H. "You don't go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don't blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college. You prioritize. You make tough choices." The comments quickly sparked a flurry of reaction in the Silver State, which supported Obama in the 2008 election. Nevada had an unemployment rate of 13% in December. Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman said during a hastily called news conference that Obama is no friend to Las Vegas and would not be welcomed here if he visits. "I'll do everything I can to give him the boot. This president is a real slow learner." Goodman and others are worried that Obama's words will discourage visitors from coming to Las Vegas and depress the industry further. "Enough is enough!" Democratic Congresswoman Shelley Berkley said in a statement. "President Obama needs to stop picking on Las Vegas and he needs to let Americans decide for themselves how and where to spend their hard-earned vacation dollars." Reid, one of Obama's closest allies, issued a statement headlined "Reid to Obama: 'Lay off Las Vegas'" and was unusually blunt in his reaction. "The President needs to lay off Las Vegas and stop making it the poster child for where people shouldn't be spending their money. I would much rather tourists and business travelers spend their money in Las Vegas than spend it overseas." One year ago, Obama commented during a town hall meeting in Elkhart, Indiana, that corporations shouldn't use federal bailout money for trips to Las Vegas, the Super Bowl or corporate jets. Tourism and casino officials said the comment hurt the city as companies canceled meetings in Las Vegas and rescheduled them elsewhere (like Orlando. That’s right, Disney. I’m coming after your dime now!!!). Obama later said during a May 2009 trip to Nellis Air Force Base outside of Las Vegas that it was nice to get out of Washington and "there's nothing like a quick trip to Vegas in the middle of the week." (Hahahahaha yeah, I remember those…back when I could afford gas & not work during the week just to get by) Mayor Goodman said he thought Obama had a "psychological hang-up" of using Las Vegas as an example of excessive spending, and that this time, an apology wouldn't be enough. "He has to step up right away and say, you know, he wasn't thinking. Sometimes when he's not using his monitors and reading what he says, he doesn't think. And this is one of those times he didn't think, and he should straighten out the record because he's been here, he knows Las Vegas is a great place."

Look Goodman, I like you...but you need to back up off my boy Barack. We all make mistakes. Sure it might be a little better if he had mixed up the central cities where business meetings are popular like Orlando, St. Louis, Denver, Dallas and others…and we all know that he’s never going to single out Chicago or Hawaii (that’d be like me going against Utah). Why does he bring up Vegas then? Because Vegas is constantly on his mind. It’s more than a city. It’s a state of mind. Granted that state is about excess, entertainment, gambling, glitz, glamour, makin’ it rain, shopping both name brand & outlet store variety, all-you-can-eat buffets, hooking up with drunk chicks, dancing fountains, volcanoes, giant black pyramids, like eight Cirque de Soleil shows now and Wayne Newton…but it’s not based on financial responsibility by any means. Mayor Goodman, you and your friends with the Mafia can agree with me on that. We all love Vegas. We all love lobster tails. However, both are usually obtained through discretionary income, which many of us no longer have enough. I loved being able to just fly down for the weekend and live it up Rat Pack style every few months. Now I’m down to about twice a year…and Barack’s hard at work trying to get things squared away so that the middle class, businessmen, even those c**ksuckers on Wall Street can return to those times when they can visit your lovely city & hand you their money by the fistful at the craps tables. We’ve all been hit by this recession. The city of Las Vegas just grew too big for its own damn good (hence why it’s hardest hit by the recession) but we’ve got your back. God knows I want to visit you every weekend. F**k, I even tried to move there for about six months last year. You know I love Las Vegas…and the President does too. He’s just trying to help the country prioritize…and not waste money (like a $10 billion “city within a city” or a few more towers to the Wynn when you’re already struggling to fill rooms?). So should the President apologize? Hell no. If anything, you should apologize for making him release a statement. He’s got more important things to do. You need to focus on getting Pacquaio & Mayweather in the ring…or bringing other industries into the area to keep people employed and help out your economy. We all need to adjust our habits. The only constant is change. Barack & I hope to see you again soon in the High Roller Suite under my nom de plume, Dr. Mookie Love…and we’re bringing our constituents with us…and the first round’s on this guy. One Love. Sorry, was that a rant again? I just want what’s best for my boy & my lucky lady…and for them to get along. Sometimes words can mean different things to different people…and there’s no reason to hold a grudge because of it. Especially when you’re both great, progressive, funny & charismatic people who would normally get along & have fun over a few drinks. Anyway, this next story is pretty good.

Justice for Strippers? – A Jefferson County jury has awarded a former stripper $100,000 in a lawsuit in which she claimed the club that employed her failed to stop her from driving home after her on-the-job drinking (wow, as if being a stripper didn’t have enough job perks). Patsy Hamaker of Bessemer, Alabama was injured in a wreck after leaving work at The Furnace on October 17th, 2007. She said she can no longer dance because of her injuries. Hamaker said the club disregarded its own safety rules when it let her drive home that night. Attorneys for the club argued that employees tried to keep Hamaker from driving away. The Birmingham News reported that the jury award made Tuesday is for compensatory damages. No punitive damages were awarded. Is that justice? Could you have gotten her more? The real question that I have is…do they have to pay her in singles? That might fill a suitcase. Anyway, just needed a reason to post a picture of a stripper wearing a confederate or daisy dukes or something…and you know why.

“Not the Doll, She’s My Friend!!!” – One of the greatest lines from one of the greatest shows in television history, Duckman. Sigh… I miss that ring tone. Anyway, a New Yorker faces a $135 traffic fine for using a mannequin as her "plus one" in the high-occupancy vehicle lane of the Long Island Expressway. An alert sheriff's deputy on Long Island became suspicious this week when he saw the "passenger" wearing sunglasses and using the visor. The problem: The sky was overcast. When he stopped the vehicle, he found the mannequin, fully dressed with a long dark wig, blazer, shirt and scarf. The 61-year-old driver left with a summons…and maybe a stern talkin’ to. I was actually kind of half hoping to hear that the driver of the car was Andrew McCartney. “You don’t understand, officer. I wasn’t trying to break the rules. You see, when nobody else is around, the mannequin is alive…and she wanted to go really fast…and there was traffic in the other lanes…and as long as nobody was looking, I was technically carpooling. Oh, why won’t anybody believe me? Wait, maybe if you turn off the camera in your car…and turn around, I could have her tap you on the shoulder or something. Would that prove it?” “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Would you rather I had her drive? The instance somebody looks in our direction, boom, she goes stiff and we wrap around a tree.” I smell another sequel. Anybody else?

Supermodel to the Rescue - A red-faced banker has been caught looking at racy near-nude photographs on his computer, with his actions broadcast live on Australian television. The Macquarie Private Wealth employee clicked up the images of Australian model Miranda Kerr, unaware a colleague nearby was doing a live television interview about the Australian economy. Australia's Seven Network broadcast the news item on Tuesday, with the photographs clearly showing on a computer screen in the background. At one stage, the man turns and looks directly at the television camera and realizes his actions have been caught on camera. The incident has become a global internet hit with over 200,000 views and a 5-star rating on YouTube. It was reported widely in Australia's newspapers Wednesday. Macquarie Bank, known locally as the "millionaire's factory', said it was taking the matter seriously. "Macquarie has strict policies in place surrounding the use of technology and the issue arising from today's live cross on Seven News is being dealt with internally," the bank told local media. So he’s probably going to get fired then, right? Well, not if one Wonder Woman has anything to say about. Miranda Kerr herself says the banker shouldn't be fired. Again, Macquarie Bank said it was investigating…and Kiely is expected to meet with his bosses soon to learn his fate…but Kerr, a 26-year-old Australian-born model engaged to "Pirates of the Caribbean" star Orlando Bloom (Really? Wow), said she hoped the banker would not lose his job. "I am told there is a petition to save his job, and of course I would sign it," quoted her as saying. London-based financial news-based Web site Here is the City set up an e-mail campaign to help Kiely, saying he should not get fired because he has suffered enough and the pictures weren't hardcore porn. Well, I hope so mate. I’m gonna go to the site and sign the petition myself. Just save that stuff until you get home. Maybe check the news or something if you’ve got a moment to take a deep breath but, come on man. There are ladies around. Show some respect. Focus on your work. And if you feel the urge to check out pictures, just remember…there are ladies around…and an imagination is a terrible thing to waste. Glad that Miss Kerr is sticking up for you too. Good show. Now, if we could just discuss the kind of pirate that you’re engaged to…

That’s a discussion for another time. I hope you enjoyed our ever so brief time together. Did you enjoy the wine? I picked it up in Sonoma. Too much? We split a bottle. Well, I guess you did have a little more than I did. You don’t have a headache, do you? That’s good. What’s that? Dennis Quaid? Really? Wow, you must be a little tipsy. Just lie back and I’ll get you some water or something. Ice? Sure thing. Oh, separate? Why would you want that? Oooh… Well, if that would make you feel more comfortable. Of course I have whipped cream. Yea, chocolate syrup too. Why yes, I would love that. Just one moment. Have a great night everybody!!! Enjoy the Big Game!!!

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