Mmm Raccoon Meat

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Just another day in Paradise. Still no word on Denver but the sky is blue and all the leaves are green. My heart's as full as a baked potato. I think I mean exactly what I say when I say that it's a schpedoinkal day. My family's doing a little better than this weekend. They're still going through the recovery process...and my sister-in-law isn't communicating much and when she does, it's not communicating effectively (no answers, showing up hours late, not really answering the question that's asked, blowing smoke, etc) so they're basically just doing whatever. Good times. Had a dream last night...but had basically forgotten it the instant I woke up. My apologies. Really hadn't had an original memorable one in a while, just the frustrating ones. It's shaping up to be an awesome weekend with my buddy's wedding coming up...and after today, I have a four-day weekend. YAY!!! Other than that, not much to blab about right now...so here's some news...

Sherlock Holmes Movie Update - The guy bangin' Madonna / director Guy Ritchie ("Snatch" & "Lock, Stock, & Two Smokin' Barrels") is heading up the next interpretation of the stories of detective "Sherlock Holmes" soon and he has announced his chief actors. For the role of the detective, the great American actor Robert Downey jr. For the role of his apparently very British pretty boy assistant Watson, because Hugh Grant has previous engagements, that part will be played by Jude Law. I'm sure that it's still going to be a great movie. I just like to give Jude Law a hard time. Somebody has to. Robert Downey though, that guy's awesome. He's on my A-list for actors…like the Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Gary Oldman level. Always been a big fan…even during the coke years. So yeah, keep an eye out for that movie.

This Week in BLING - Miners in the southern African kingdom of Lesotho have found one of the world's largest diamonds, a near-flawless white gem weighing nearly 500 carats. The diamond was discovered in the Letseng Mine on September 8, the company said in a statement (probably trying to be smuggled in some worker's anus). It has been analyzed by experts in Antwerp and found to weigh 478 carats (over three ounces) with very few inclusions and of outstanding color and clarity. "It has the potential to yield one of the largest flawless D color round polished diamonds in history," the company said. Letseng is one of the most productive mines in history -- four of the world's 20 largest rough diamonds have been found at the mine, including the three largest found this century. Before it is cut into gems it is hard to value the diamond, but a spokesman for Gem Diamonds said a similar weight stone with lesser-quality color and clarity had recently sold for $12 million. That's right, soak in the picture, ladies. Look at that glistening chunk of compressed carbon. Gentlemen, I'm going to let you in on a little secret that I might use later on in life when/if the time comes for an engagement in the search for Mrs. Doctor Love. Shortly before you plan to pop the question, watch the movie "Blood Diamond" with your lady. You may have to really play the Leonardo DiCaprio romance angle…but don't worry, Jennifer Connelly's in it too.

Anyway, watch the movie…and see a mild interpretation of what goes on in Mother Afrika for the sake of the diamond trade. You all know the horror stories so I'm not going to bore you with them…but it's really bad stuff. Then…a few days later, when you're on bended knee…and gazing into the already-tearing eyes of the most amazing woman you could ever hope to be with, recite that cheesy speech that you've been practicing since the first time you saw her about Love and beauty and truth and children and puppy dogs and all that other stuff, and then reach into your pocket…and as you ask her "Will you marry me?" you reveal a beautiful shiny purple plastic spider ring from the local Nickelcade. "What the f**k is that?" "You see sweetie (or other pet name), after watching that movie last week about the diamond trade…and seeing you tear up at points, I wanted this symbol of our Love to be more than just a sparkling piece of rock found and paid for with blood, sweat, tears, and misery. I wanted it to be about our Love…and all the good times that we've had together…playing games, making each other smile, expressing ourselves to one another our innermost desires & dreams, and I want that to continue. So in lieu of spending two months' salary, or whatever the standard is nowadays, on a flimsy piece of jewelry causing suffering to children half the world away…I've decided to spend a few tokens at a Skee Ball machine to get this…because I know that purple is your favorite color, it's pretty, it reminds me of our first date back at Dave & Buster's, you don't love me because I'm rich…but because I'm fun & kooky, I know you don't like spiders…but you won't have to worry because I'll always be there to protect you, and as for our hopes and dreams, I thought that the two month's salary that would otherwise go to this ring, we can put towards the down payment of our home…with a white picket fence…and your painting room (adjust to your lady's dreams) and start our family instead. So (insert name), will you marry my silly ass?" If she's not laughing & crying at this point, then I say abort…but chances are she'll be caught up in the moment too…and hopefully say yes. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

This Can't Be Right!!! - Apparently, in Portland Oregon, construction workers called in complaints about a naked woman skater interfering with their work. The skater, Gennifer Moss a.k.a. Earth Friend Gen, asked organizers for permission this summer to skate naked in the city of Ashland's Fourth of July parade (mentioned here on my blog). She didn't get it. Police told her to tone it down after the construction workers complained. Moss donned a string bikini bottom for the nonce and skated on. Police say most callers are concerned about her safety. I'll bet. Imagine the kind of road rash she could get if she slipped…and it's always raining in Portland…much like it's always sunny in Philadelphia. Oh by the way, you can skate in the nude in Oregon. The occasional nude bike rides draw police only for crowd control...and shows featuring live sex acts are protected as free speech. Don't worry, I've already looked into the job market in that area. I'll keep you posted. Still, construction workers called and complained? Maybe I'm just stereotyping construction workers…but that just doesn't seem right. It was probably the foreman (foreperson, not sure what the PC term is) that called because of all the gawking. Those foremen can be real Gawk Blockers sometimes. Not sure what kind of children are raised in an environment like that where live sex acts are protected by the first amendment…but I'm sure they're great, well-rounded kids...and I have a feeling this picture came from one of them…

Have a great day everybody!!!