Snatch - It's About Robbin'

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday morning, I was wondering what I was going to do with this lovely weekend. See, I wanted to be a little on the frugal side because of this coming weekend with my mom… so no last minute trip to San Fran or anything (besides, Bubbles already had company for her birthday… and I’m always 3 hours away). So I thought, “Maybe I should call my stepsister and see what her family’s up to. Maybe they’re bored too… and it is Pioneer Day over in Utah, so we should be celebrating… something… right?” Whatever you’ve got to tell yourself, $teve. Well, not minutes after I had the passing thought, did my stepsister call me & invite me to my nephew’s 10th birthday party… and the best part… it was at Wild Island, which is a water park in Sparks apparently. “Yeah, I was just going to call you guys. That’d be awesome.” So yeah, we met up at Scheels first because the kids wanted to ride the FERRIS WHEEL while the parents wanted to check out guns & mountain bikes. You can guess which one Uncle $teve wanted to do. Here are the pictures…

After Scheels, we went across the highway to Wild Island. It was a pretty cool water park… and because it was 103 degrees and a Saturday, the place was PACKED!!! We still had a LOT of fun though with the different slides and of course just being silly in general. After a few hours, clouds started to move in… and then it because a lightning storm… and then a sandstorm, so we basically had to abandon after about 3 hours, but still, good times. Sorry, no pictures of me and my hard, chiseled, bronze body for this part. I had to leave the camera in a locker (not waterproof) but hey, that’s why you should come along next time.

That night, I decided that since it was basically a full moon, I would watch “The Wolfman” starring Benecio Del Toro, Sir Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving. Basically it’s supposed to be a retelling of the Lon Chaney classic Wolfman movie. An actor from London (Del Toro) must return home upon news of his brother’s disappearance. He returns to find his brother has been found… and torn up by what appears to be some kind of a savage beast. Well, he moves back into the family estate until he finds the killer with his father (Hopkins) and now widowed former sister-in-law (Emily Blunt). Well, blah blah blah, he gets bit, becomes a werewolf, Scotland Yard sends in a man (Weaving) to investigate, family “secrets” are revealed, long story short, I didn’t care for this movie at all. It was dull, boring, incredibly predictable, even poor CGI, and believe me… I’m willing to take the leap with believing the whole system of lycanthropy and whatnot… but yeah, this movie was just… pointless really. I say pass if at all possible. Plenty of other werewolf movies out there… and I can’t wait for “Jack & Diane” to this one out of my mind. Here’s the news…

Bank Robbery Monthly: Darkside - Times must be tough back at the Empire after having to rebuild all those Death Stars. A bank robber dressed as "Star Wars" villain Darth Vader made off with an undetermined amount of cash after pointing a handgun at startled tellers inside a Chase bank branch on Long Island. Detectives say the stickup man walked into the bank shortly before noon Thursday wearing a full head mask and a blue cape. The only part of the uniform that was out of place were his camouflage pants. And that handgun — no light saber. Suffolk County police Detective Sgt. William Lamb told reporters at least one customer at the time didn't think the theft was legit. The customer, whose identity was not released, can be seen cowering on the floor in a surveillance camera photo, moments after the holdup man shoved him away. "The customer thought it might have been a joke and not a serious attempt at a robbery," Lamb told the Daily News. The only other description of the suspect was his height: between 6 feet and 6-foot-2. He was last seen running across a parking lot. "I thought it was pretty comical, but I guess this guy was pretty serious about needing some money," Michael Aloisio, who works at a nearby restaurant and saw the bandit run past, told the New York Post. "I think we need more police and more security here," said Louie Lin, 24, who works at a Chinese restaurant in the shopping center where the bank is located and saw the robber. "People need money so bad nowadays ... maybe next time they will come here and steal from us too." Heather Apolo, 36, a Chase customer from Port Jefferson Station, said she was surprised the bank had been targeted. "It really is a good area. They'll probably beef up security and make sure something like this doesn't happen again." Mike Fusco, a Chase spokesman, declined to comment other than to say bank officials were cooperating with the investigation. My grade for this robber – C. I like the whole Darth Vader thing. Definitely would’ve been intimidating because Episodes II & III but still an ominous image. Blue cape? Eh, obviously times are rough & you’ve got to go with what you’ve got. That IS why he’s robbing the bank. Now if the gun were made to look like Han Solo’s blaster or something, definite A- at least… or if there was some sort of Force Chokehold involved… but yeah, a C isn’t too bad of a grade for a nerd in need of some dough. Also, 6’2” is right around the good height to be physically intimidating… but more than 1% of the population can be in the lineup. Anyway, I’m not condoning bank robbing, just to be clear… just judging the methods. The holdup was the 15th in Suffolk County this year; 30 bank heists were reported in 2009. The robbery comes about a week after a so-called bouquet bandit held up a Manhattan bank. Authorities say Edward Pemberton used a flower bouquet to conceal a note demanding cash during a $440 bank heist July 15. They say he used a potted plant as a similar prop in a holdup at another bank earlier this month. There also have been numerous reports around the country of men dressing as women, wigs, sunglasses and all, holding up banks. A New Hampshire man robbed a bank in 2007 wearing tree branches and leaves (damn, hippie thieves now?). Oh wait… it gets better…

BRM: Clowns - Authorities said a Pittsburgh-area man robbed a bank wearing a woman's blond wig, fake breasts under a sweater and clown pants. Swissvale police said 48-year-old Dennis Hawkins of North Braddock was sitting in a parked car covered in red dye from an exploding packet in a bag of money when he was arrested Saturday. Police Chief Greg Geppert said Hawkins robbed the bank at gunpoint, using a toy BB gun he had shoplifted from a store. Geppert said Hawkins then entered a woman's car. She got out, took her keys and alerted police. Hawkins was found sitting in the car. He is being held on $230,000 bail. It's not clear whether he has an attorney. Obviously this robbery was an F in every single facet other than nobody got hurt, which is like signing your name correctly at the top of the test. If you get that wrong, it’s an automatic zero. Okay, step by step. Weapon – Stolen BB gun. It may look real, so I can’t completely rag on it… but if it’s one of those plastic transparent things from Wal-Mart, I’m holding back laughter if I’m stuck up with one of those. The Outfit – Big-breasted blonde lady clown. Too bad the 5 o’clock shadow probably gives it all away. Perhaps thought of in case an insanity plea was needed later on. I’m trying to give this guy the benefit of a doubt. The Getaway – Jack a lady in the parking lot… but she takes the keys & calls the cops… while you check the money & get blasted in the face with a dye pack. Here’s how it goes down… and keep in mind that the carjackee will be in a completely state of confusion because this is all going down with a giant he-she clown. “GET OUT OF THE CAR!!! KEYS!!! Thank you, here’s a little something for a new car.” Drive off. Moments later, when she is no longer stunned from being carjacked by a clown, she glanced down at her stack of hundreds… and it explodes all over her. Heck, if she’s a blonde with big breasts, you may have a patsy. Anyway, terrible robbery all around… and he’s in jail now. Might be worth it though. At least he won’t have to worry where his next meal is coming from. Just if somebody’s going to make him eat a meat sandwich for dessert. Stay in school, kids.

BRM: Undies – So I’m thinking of renaming my new magazine from “Bank Robbing Monthly” to simply “Snatch” to cover all forms of thievery. However, I’m also afraid that there’s more than likely another kind of magazine out there with that title… and is probably handed upon purchase in a brown paper slip. Anyway, this doesn’t even really have to do with banks… but I had to share. An unemployed woman who said she was desperate for money has been arrested on charges she robbed an Oklahoma McDonald's with a white stretch girdle wrapped around her face as a makeshift mask (probably recently used in an Oklahoma heat wave too). Authorities said 51-year-old Sharon Lain of Midwest City admitted to being the underwear-masked bandit who made off with the contents of a cash drawer from the fast-food restaurant around 3 a.m. Tuesday. A surveillance video captured the woman on tape and was broadcast on local television, prompting several tips (“I recognize those undies anywhere!”) that led police to a condemned home on Wednesday night where Lain was found living, said Midwest City Police Chief Brandon Clabes. Police found the underwear - a white stretch girdle known as 'spanx' (no joke) along with illegal drugs, including methamphetamine (gasp of surprise). "She admitted to her role in the burglary," said Clabes. "And we found the clothes she wore. This was a really bizarre disguise. I wasn't sure what spanx was. I've never seen a woman with one on; now I've seen one on someone's face." Police said Lain was a former night shift manager at McDonald's but was fired about a month ago. Lain told investigators she needed money and suffered from a gambling problem (and don’t forget the meth). She is being charged with second-degree burglary, possession of a controlled dangerous substance, possession of paraphernalia and illegal trespass. So yeah, she doesn’t qualify for a grade because it was a McDonald’s but it’s probably for the better because it was a place that she worked at (unless there was another inside man), she has the drug problem, I admire the spirit with the make-shift disguise but… seriously, putting your undies on your head? I can totally see McDonald’s just giving the cash drawer and being like “See ya when you’re hungry” and getting it right back within a month.

Just Plane Robbin’ Folks – Yes, it’s a bad pun. You should be used to them by now. French police have arrested an Air France stewardess (not pictured) on suspicion of stealing thousands of euros in cash, cards and jewelry as passengers slept on long haul flights, a newspaper reported on Tuesday. Police investigating thefts over several months on flights between France and the Far East picked up the 47-year old attendant identified as Lucie R. after she landed from Tokyo on Friday, Le Figaro said. "Her bank accounts showed an absurd gap between her lifestyle and her declared income," the newspaper quoted a police investigator as saying. Police launched an investigation in January after about 4,000 euros' ($5,170) was stolen from five passengers. The robber took advantage of sleeping passengers, taking euros, yen, and Swiss francs as well as watches, jewels, credit cards and even checkbooks. According to the newspaper, the woman, who worked mainly in business class, began her spree in March 2009 to ease financial problems and has confessed to 26 thefts (so obviously done a LOT more). Since January, there have been about 140 thefts, the newspaper said (see?). "The Japanese were ideal prey because they travel with lots of cash -- euros and yen -- instead of paying with credit cards," a police source said. Police found travelers' checks, blank checks and bank card numbers at her home. Just goes to show that you can never trust the French, especially at 35,000 feet.

Crappy Gig – American rock band Kings of Leon (great band, by the way) said they were forced to abandon a concert in St. Louis at the weekend after three songs because pigeons kept pooping on them from the rafters. The band left the stage at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater on Friday after bass player Jared Followill was hit in the face by one dropping. "Jared was hit several times during the first two songs. On the third song, when he was hit in the cheek and some of it landed near his mouth, they couldn't deal any longer," the Nashville band's publicist, Any Mendelsohn, said in a statement. "It's not only disgusting - it's a toxic hazard. They really tried to hang in there." Drummer Nathan Followill apologized on Twitter to fans of the Grammy-winning band which is made up of three Followill brothers and their cousin Matthew who plays lead guitar. "So sorry St Louis. We had to bail, pigeons s****ing in Jared's mouth and it was too unsanitary to continue. Don't take it out on Jared ... Sorry for all who (traveled) many miles. "The band was to continue its U.S. tour in Cleveland, Ohio, on Monday to promote its fourth album "Only By The Night" before heading to Canada and Britain. The country duo Sugarland was scheduled to play the venue on Sunday night. Now I want to go home and listen to their album… but yeah, it was literally raining sh*t on them as they played. It just goes to show how “rock bands” nowadays handle these kind of things. Just think, what would Ozzy have done? Oh yeah, he would’ve bit the heads off a few pigeons… placed their heads on a few drumstick spits… and then yelled, “Let that be a lesson to the rest of you f**king winged rats!!!” Then Oswald’s cousin Louis steps in to keep the peace and lead the pigeons off to a different perch to watch the concert. Apparently watching over others is in their genetic code.

Lettuce Help the World – Okay, last pun of the day I swear. An animal rights activist has caused a stir in Jordan's capital by covering herself in lettuce in a quirky attempt to persuade Middle Eastern meat lovers to go vegetarian (good luck changing anything over there). Crowds quickly gathered to gawk at the lettuce lady, but police were not amused. Officers briefly arrested the Jordanian activist, Amina Tarek, and a colleague from PETA (of course, I KNEW they would be involved with this story… but I didn’t think they allowed them into that region). The pair stood in a square along one of Amman's trendiest streets and held a placard reading "Let vegetarianism grow on you." Tarek says she wanted Jordanians "to turn over a new leaf." Police held them for three hours, saying they had not obtained permission for Sunday's protest. The activists say they had approval. The police responded with “Yeah? Well I burned it, so you’ll agree with whatever I f**king tell you. You’re in Jordan now, hippie scum.” Okay, that last sentence was made up… but seriously, you could see that, right? Yeah, once again, I mention this more for the picture than anything else. Do I think the world needs to go vegetarian? Of course not. I love meat. I think it’s part of a healthy diet. Has been since the times of the caveman. Do I think they should’ve been arrested? Hey, if you don’t have permission to protest, the law steps in. Be happy that you have the right to request permission to protest. Wait, that does sound a little weird now that I think about it. Permission… to protest? “Sure you can get on your soap box or speak out about some injustice… but make sure you fill out the proper paperwork no less than 7 days in advance so that we can anticipate the kind of adverse effect this will have on traffic & parking through that region.” Yeah, kind of silly to get permission to go against the status quo but hey… it’s Jordan, right? It’s not like there’s stuff like that here in the States (unless you look).

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hopefully you enjoyed these tales of snatching… and if not, tomorrow might be different. Maybe there’s more hot chicks. I know you love those stories. Tomorrow’s softball (unless we forfeit again), Wednesday’s a date (oh yeah, can’t wait to see how this one goes), and then Thursday my mom & aunt come to town for the weekend which should be epic. Still plenty of time to take a road trip out here to join us. We’ve got a LOT of activities planned… and even more that we’ll stumble upon along the way. Have a great day everybody!!!

Earth's Most Wanted

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The Madness begins again tonight!!! I’m currently one point behind in the office pool…but I think there are no more upsets on my pool so…I guess I just have to hope whoever’s in the lead picked something really random and it doesn’t come to be. Oh well. Other than that, I heard a cute story from my mom last night that I thought I’d share with you. Kairi & Vinny were staying with her the other night…and they slept in grandma’s bed. Kairi went to sleep right away…but Vinny jabbered on for two hours about whatever (may be genetic?) then fell asleep. Well, apparently shortly after he fell asleep, he started talking in his sleep, “Burger King, French fries, chicken nuggets, mmm Burger King…” and so on for quite some time. Was my nephew having dreams of fast food? Well, I can’t say much. I’m sure I’ve been caught talking in my sleep, “Mmm melons, fish tacos, pumpkin pie, MELONS!!! FISH TACOS!!! (followed by a little motorboat action)” so it’s perfectly natural. What can I say? We Loves love our food.

I’ve also started watching season one of “Breaking Bad” the AMC TV series starring Bryan Cranston. It’s the story of a high school chemistry teacher Walter White (Cranston) who just turned fifty, has a beautiful thirty-something wife, disabled son and a daughter on the way. Then he finds out that he has inoperable lung cancer…and about a year to live. He wants to provide for his family once he’s gone…but how? Teachers make d**k for money (that’s why I’m not in the industry). Well, his brother-in-law is a DEA agent…and he hears about the piles of cash that meth dealers have when they get busted. He goes on a ride-along…and during a bust finds that a former student of his is in the industry…and so he basically says, “Either help me or I’ll turn you in” and they start to cook meth. Oh, by the way, it’s rated M for Mature. I like it thus far…and I’m gonna tell you why.

I’ve mentioned before that it’d probably be a bad idea to give me a negative diagnosis. In fact, I’m pretty sure that everybody has a list of things they would do if they were given (set amount of time) to live. Travel the world, spend time with loved ones, plant a tree, what's on your list? Well, I’m also pretty sure that most of the men that I know, have a slightly different list. More of a “Blaze of Glory” list where, as mentioned before, I’d rob a bank (hoping not to hurt anybody…but don’t get in my f**king way). We’ve all thought about getting into the drug game at one time or another (don’t deny it). That’s where the money is. So why don’t we do it? We don’t want to go to jail. People die all the time in the game. Drugs are bad m’kay. There are moral implications on profiting on the suffering of others (but it’s very easy to convince yourself that you’re providing a much needed service or something). Maybe we just have other options. We all have our reasons…but yeah, if you knew there was a ticking clock…and you only had a few weeks to live the rest of your life and provide for your family, I’m pretty sure you’d do something similar to what Walter White’s doing on this show. God know I would. In fact, in the first few episodes, I was trying to help Walter with some of his moral dilemmas, “Don’t feed that drug dealer. He tried to kill you. What more reason do you need to finish him?” or “What’s the big deal about disposing of a body?” Yeah, it was kind of scary after a while how comfortable I was with some of the ideas presented…but hey, that’s how TV dramas are. You have to drag it out, otherwise there’s no season two. So yeah, let’s all hope I have perfect health until the Apocalypse comes and I’m swallowed whole by a giant snake. Here’s some news…

Bank Robbing Update – Also, if you’re going to do some criminal enterprise, do it wisely. If you’re dealing drugs, don’t get high on your own supply. If you’re gonna sell p***y, don’t pay for it & keep your pimp hand strong. If you’re going to rob a bank, don’t give away the element of surprise. It’s really all you have. Police in Connecticut say they had ample warning of a bank robbery because the two suspects called the bank ahead of time and told an employee to get a bag of money ready. Police arrested 27-year-old Albert Bailey and an unidentified 16-year-old boy on robbery and threatening charges Tuesday afternoon at a People's United Bank branch in Fairfield. Sgt. James Perez says the two Bridgeport residents showed up about 10 minutes after making the call and were met by police in the parking lot. Perez told the Connecticut Post the suspects were "not too bright." It's not clear if Bailey and the teen have lawyers. That had to have been an interesting phone conversation. “People’s United Bank, this is Cindy, how can I help you?” “Yeah, hey Cindy, whattup? This is Al (in the background, “Don’t use your name”) She wouldn’t know it’s my real name if you kept your f**king mouth shut. Sorry, so yeah, we were just letting you know that we’re gonna rob y’all in about ten, fifteen minutes…so it’d be easier for both of us if you just had the bag of money ready to go. You know, standard stuff, non-sequined, unmarked bills (“It’s non-sequential”) Shut the f**k up, you’re just a little kid. Grown-ups is on the phone. Alright, so Cindy, can ya do that for me? Otherwise it’s gonna get really messy up in this piece.” “Ugh…sure, so…you want me to have a bag of money ready to just give to you? Okay. Ugh…do you want me to just bring it out into the parking lot or something?” “(whispers) She says she’ll just bring it out to the car for us. (“Sure, that’s easier, right?”) Good thinking Cindy, make sure to keep a stack for yourself.” “Okay, will do. Ugh…what car should I look for?” “Oh, duuuh. Okay, we’re going to be pulling up in this rust-colored Cadillac with a red fender (“It’s just covered in rust, I think it’s gray”) She’s not gonna notice the gray & rust is a color, for the last time, shut the f**k up. Okay, the license plate number is…” And they wonder how they got caught. Seriously, they didn’t even think to say that they had a hostage or anything? Come on guys. Wait, maybe they’re like this next guy…

Mugshot of the Week - A Florida man has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for violating his probation by trying to break into the Brevard County jail. A judged sentenced 25-year-old Sylvester Jiles of Cocoa on Monday. He was convicted in January of trespassing on jail property and resisting an officer. Authorities say Jiles tried to climb a 12-foot fence at the Brevard County Detention Center in August. He was caught and hospitalized with severe cuts from the barbed wire. He had been released a week earlier after accepting a plea deal on a manslaughter charge. Jiles had begged jail officials to take him back into custody, saying he feared retaliation from the victim's family (as well he should…because if he had killed someone in my family, jail’s the safest place for him). Jail officials said they couldn't take him in and told him to file a police report…so he tried to break back in…and now will be there until he’s forty…or randomly shanked in the shower by a lifer for a pack of cigarettes. Kind of a sad story all around…but hey, the mugshot’s ridiculous. Some people just like being behind bars? I blame the design of playpens for my Uncle Joey’s problem (yes, that’s a “Back to the Future” reference) but it’s not like it’s government funded or anything…

Sing Sing Sing-Along - Complaints have prompted New York City's public housing authority to change a playground jungle gym made to resemble a jail. Workers removed the word "jail" and fake bars on Wednesday from the Tompkins Houses jungle gym in Brooklyn (of course it’s in the inner city). Natasha Godley, who has a 6-year-old son, says she complained because "it was like promoting kids to go to jail." Housing Authority spokeswoman Sheila Stainback (stage name?) says it was part of the original design of the playground, which was erected in 2004. She says no one complained until this week (Really? That’s quite impressive). Stainback said the agency wants to replace that part of the playground and is looking into who ordered the equipment. Changes also were being made to a second fake jail. Stainback declined to divulge its location (so either the Bronx or Harlem). You know, you may be thinking “How could that have passed? A fake jail…in a playground?” but then again, I remember a few things growing up that seemed questionable on this level. Remember Dodgeball? What happened when you got hit? You went to “jail” and stayed there until somebody on your team caught the ball or the next game. Monopoly? You go to jail and play craps (try to roll doubles) until they let you go. And why? Because the card told you so. I’ve always wondered why I went to jail in that game. Did I try to welch on the rent? Tax evasion? Grand theft auto? Did I kill another hooker? Did I run over the dog? Was my thimble found at a coke bust? I mean…we put babies in cages and call them bassinettes, right? Maybe it’s not just silly playgrounds…where you also have the option to jump off a bridge, slide down a garbage chute, dangle from a bar over a surface of recycled tires and mulch and honestly, I don’t know how kids get hurt at these things anymore. They’re all plastic and flubber or whatever…where when I was in the jungle gym years, you know why they were called jungle gyms, because they used trees…and nails…and reinforced steel…and they didn’t even polish it or sand the edges most of the time. Hell, I say if the kids want a playground, let them build it out of Legos…and I’ll bet you it ends up looking like a jail with a sweet little swively satellite on top and a drawbridge. I forget what my point was. Oh yeah, is it Racist? Funny? Ridiculous? All the above? You be the judge. Oh…and don’t think stuff like this only leads to inner-city kids turning to a life of crime…

Slick City Update - Police said a teenager who botched a robbery at a Salt Lake City convenience store asked the clerk not to tell his mom. Salt Lake City police said the teen went into the store early Saturday morning and approached the counter with several items. As the clerk rung them up, the teen tried to sneak behind him and hold a knife to his neck. The clerk spun around with his hands up and smacked the teen in the face, knocking him to the floor. The teen then asked the clerk not to call the police and then added "Don't tell my mom" before he fled. What the hell? Punk ass kids pulling a knife at a 7-11 (how do I know it was a 7-11? Because they have one ever single block in Salt Lake City), gets pimpslapped by the clerk…and then runs home to his mom. I’m surprised the clerk didn’t chase after him, put him over his knee and tan that hide until the cops showed up for child abuse or something. THIS is why spanking your kids isn’t wrong. I’ll tell you what, if Kairi pulls a knife on me for some reason, she’d better be quick with it. “Baby girl, don’t. You won’t like how it ends up…” Grab, twist, break, slap, subdue. Kids nowadays, am I right? They can’t even shoplift right anymore. That’s just lazy. Oh…and speaking of kids…

PETA and the Octomom - Nadya Suleman's octuplets have brought her plenty of fame…but fortune appears to be another story. Her father, Ed Doud, has defaulted on a $450,000 balloon payment on a half-million dollar house he bought last year for the family to live in, mortgage holder Amer Haddadin said Wednesday. Haddadin told The Associated Press he plans to file foreclosure papers in court within days if he doesn't get his money. Although Suleman's lawyer, Jeff Czech, said earlier this week his client's father was hoping to work something out, he was blunt when it came to the balloon payment: "Mr. Doud at this moment doesn't have $450,000 to pay off." In a brief e-mail Wednesday, he added that he was negotiating with Haddadin's attorney for more time to refinance. Not that Suleman doesn't have the opportunity to raise the money quickly, although not in ways she would want to. Wait, it gets good. Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment, one of the world's largest purveyors of adult films, announced this week that his company would pay off Suleman's mortgage if she would make a porn film (get laid AND pay off your parent’s house?). Hirsch assured it would be, well, as tasteful as those things can be with her input on male co-stars and script (I thought this was a porn?). He declined to say whether Suleman had expressed interest in the offer, but Czech indicated she had rejected it out of hand. He did say that Suleman had accepted a much more modest offer from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) which was $5,000 to put a sign in her front yard proclaiming, "Don't Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter." As an added incentive, the animal rights organization had said Wednesday it would throw in a month's supply of veggie burgers and veggie hot dogs (but no real food) for Suleman and her 14 children, who range in age from 1 to 8. "No porn. Just Peta. Nadya prefers animals over men," Czech said in an e-mail exchange with The Associated Press…and if you play your cards right, he could represent you too and imply that you’re into bestiality. When Suleman's children were born in January 2009 it seemed inconceivable that a little more than a year later she might be scrounging up hot dog offers from an animal rights group. The arrival of the longest-surviving octuplets in history was hailed as a medial miracle and it appeared a joyful public was ready to line up to help raise them, providing free diapers, food and other necessities. There was also talk of book and movie deals and perhaps a reality show along the lines of "Jon & Kate Plus 8." So how did this happen? Well, public opinion quickly turned against her when it was discovered she was a single mother who had conceived eight children by in vitro fertilization when she already had six youngsters to raise. What's more she was unemployed and surviving on a combination of student loans, disability checks for other children and workers' compensation checks for an old back injury (that explains why she just lied there…I mean… what?). At the time she was also living with her mother whose own home was in foreclosure. Still, she made some money. The European production company, Eyeworks, whose credits include "Breaking Bonaduce" and "The Biggest Loser," signed a deal under which her children would earn nearly $250,000 over a three-year period. Suleman also struck a deal with RadarOnline.com that came to light after the tabloid site was cited by the state labor commissioner for allegedly failing to get the required permits to videotape her children and for filming too many hours a day and too late at night. But she also spent money, too. She's been photographed shopping at expensive stores, getting manicures and working out. Her father bought her current home in La Habra, a bedroom community of 60,000 southeast of Los Angeles, for $565,000, including a $130,000 down payment. Under the terms of the deal, Haddadin said, he was to receive $4,000 in monthly payments, followed by the balloon payment, which was due March 10. Suleman's attorney has said Haddadin failed to disclose several major defects in the home, including one that leaves it susceptible to flooding during rainstorms (ugh…it’s in California? It’s susceptible to earthquakes & drive-bys too). "Toys were floating around in the garage," during a recent storm, he said. Haddadin angrily denied there were any problems with the house. "It was in good condition. I lived there 11 years and we had no problems." So obviously my favorite part…is where PETA, who normally I think is quite ridiculous, basically gave her money to call her a b**ch in heat…and say that she should be spayed…and then give her & her litter dog food burgers for a month…because she had to shop on Rodeo Drive & despite having 14 kids by various baby daddies, she’s not willing to get f**ked for half a million dollars. You really can’t make stuff like that up. I’m sorry for your financial woes, Octomom…but on the other hand, I really don’t give a sh*t. Thank you for making my day…and like Bob Barker said, “Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets.”

That’ll do it for today. Perhaps the life of crime simply isn’t the life for me…and I’m thankful for that. I’ll just stick to misdemeanor like public indecency, exhibitionism, and the occasional illegal U-turn instead of cooking up drugs, robbing banks & pimpin’ women. Then again, we’ll see how my next doctor’s appointment goes. Keep up the good fight everybody!!! Have a great night!!!

Dear Diary: Jackpot!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, honestly there’s not a whole lot going on with me. Work has been extremely busy…and I’ve found enough time for subtle flirtations and conversations during lunchtime to keep from being bogged down. I found out today that Truckee is basically the coldest place in America during the summer thanks to elevation and a slew of natural wonders…so if any of you are looking to escape the heat this summer, come on up to Truckee…and bring a long sleeved shirt, just in case. Average highs in the 70’s and overnight lows in the 50’s, pretty much perfect right? Anyway, here’s some news…

Dear Diary: Jackpot!!! - Several police officers responded to a 911 report of a naked woman tied to a tree in Point Defiance Park in Tacoma, Washington (God I miss having a girlfriend). Spokesman Mark Fulghum told The News Tribune officers talked with the woman and a man Tuesday in the Owen Beach area and determined it was a "consensual rendezvous" (Or as I prefer to call it, a “Tryst”). No one was arrested…but somebody definitely got laid. Stories like this motivate me to go hiking or jogging. You always see on TV the jogger in the morning stumbling upon yet another dead body in Central Park (thanks Law & Order) but it’s like winning the lottery when you stumble upon a beautiful naked woman tied to a tree. “Excuse me Miss, are you okay?” “Oh! Hey, hi there. Funny story. Ugh…could you help me out?” “Absolutely.” “What are you doing? Put your shorts back on.” I’ll just assume it was some kind of Christian movie Adam & Eve reenactment that was once again interrupted by the boys in blue. Why do they always have to cockblock based on religious beliefs? Also, I just thought of something. Was this done this last week? It gets damn chilly up there in Tacoma this time of year. Thank God there was somebody there to keep her warm. Anyway, I just… come on now. You know why I mentioned this story. Naked girl tied to a tree…and I got to use the word tryst in the proper context.

Doogie & the Smurfs – Speaking of forest people, Neil Patrick Harris will play the lead live-action character in the Raja Gosnell-directed film adaptation of "The Smurfs" at Sony Pictures says Deadline Hollywood. Originally created in 1958 by Belgian cartoonist Pierre 'Peyo' Culliford, the blue skinned miniature villagers started life as a comic book, but eventually became most famous for a hit TV cartoon TV series which ran throughout the 1980's (and eventually the inspiration for the Na’vi of “Avatar”). Jordan Kerner ("Charlotte's Web") is producing. Shooting kicks off in April while Harris is on hiatus from CBS' "How I Met Your Mother". So if you love the 80’s, you love this update. That is all.

Perky Cups – Back to the wholesome female form in all its glory. Officials said a bikini and the First Amendment provide enough coverage for a model advertising a suburban Denver coffee shop called Perky Cups. Aurora City Council member Molly Markert called the picture on the 10-by-20-foot banner "degrading to women" but she says it's legal. Markert said she had city employees measure the banner, and it conforms with city size restrictions (C-cups?). Robert Rogers, a city attorney, said the content is protected by the First Amendment (isn’t everything? I could’ve told you that for half the price). Perky Cups owner Jason Bernal said people have come into the shop to complain, but one stayed to buy a burrito and coffee (“I’m sorry ma’am but if you’re going to b**ch me out for no good reason, you’ll have to buy a coffee”). He said the sign has been great for business but he's not sure how long he'll leave it because of the complaints. Mr. Bernal, keep it up forever. Hell, turn it into a permanent fixture if at all possible. If it’s good for business, you’ve found your niche. You’ll be the favorite coffee shop of the young male demographic at University of Denver…and maybe even UC-Boulder though that’s a bit of a drive. In a flooded marketplace like that of coffee shops (there’s seriously four Starbucks on the 16th Street Mall and another four within a block or so) you need to find a niche…and you sir have perked my interest with your full perky cups. Now, let me tell you my ideas about the baristas…

Shaky Update – Yet another edition of hotties to the rescue. Shakira has received a medal from the U.N. labor agency for her work to help impoverished children. The 33-year-old Colombian pop star has worked as a UNICEF goodwill ambassador. Her Barefoot foundation provides nutrition to more than 6,000 children in Colombia, and she is member of the ALAS foundation that advocates for children across Latin America. At a small ceremony Wednesday in Geneva, U.N. labor chief Juan Somavia called Shakira a "true ambassador for children and young people, for quality education and social justice." Shakira said in a statement Thursday that social, economic and environmental policies must focus on children and their education. Shakira also spoke last month with President Barack Obama about U.S. policy on children (whether we should let them work in factories or not? Kids are spoiled). Congratulations on your award, Shaky. Let me know when you want to hang out in Miami. I’ll let you ride piggy back again.

PETA Update – Some activism, I like. Shakira speaking for the impoverished children, I can stand behind (all f**king day & night). And then there’s PETA, who is looking towards castration. PETA Germany came under fire on Wednesday for saying that Berlin's celebrity polar bear Knut should be castrated because he is related to his love interest Giovanna. That’s right, the bear’s name is Knut…and they’re talking about castration. The PETA animal rights group warned that breeding between Knut and Giovanna, who was moved to Berlin from Munich last year, would carry the risk of depression amongst offspring because both bears have the same grandfather (depression? That’s the best you can come up with? It’s not like they’re their own grandpa). Frank Albrecht, zoo expert for PETA Germany, said the organization wanted to provoke Knut fans that have pressured Berlin Zoo officials to keep the couple together by saying Knut should be castrated. "Fans have to accept the fact that Knut just has to be castrated and then there's nothing wrong with the couple staying together." (Why do I want to cut off this guy’s balls and tell him there’s nothing wrong with it?) The suggestion to castrate Knut, who became famous around the world in 2006 when he was raised by a trainer after being rejected by his mother, angered fans of the three-year-old polar bear. Albrecht said he received many calls, including one man saying he should castrate himself first (I swear it wasn’t me). He added that once he explained the reasoning behind his suggestion, most people calmed down (“Oh, it’s so you can hook up with hippie chicks. I understand”). Zoo officials have repeatedly said that Giovanna's stay in Berlin is only temporary, and that she will return to Munich this summer…so I guess it’s only to keep each other warm during the winter. Sigh… why do I hate PETA so much? Why does this stuff irk me so? Does anybody else feel this? I mean… I love animals. Huge fan. Not just pandas either. Then again, I also feel that they can be delicious and fit well. So when some “zoo expert” for PETA says, “Hey, we should castrate an endangered polar bear because he’s bangin’ his hot Italian sister” then I get a little unnerved. “Why should we do that?” “Because the cubs would be depressed.” “Why is that?” “They’d only have one grandpa.” “….and?” “And what? Don’t you see?” “You’re more concerned about the cubs being depressed because they only have one grandpa than the threat of inbreeding or the small step in repopulating this nearly extinct species?” “They’re not nearly extinct, I see them on Discovery Channel all the time.” “Where did you get your degree in zoology again?” “My what?” Herr Albrecht, I think your random ill-based logic could help in another way. Call for the castration of an animal that if given the chance would kill you and everyone that you hold dear.

Apocalypse Update – Oh yes, I’m talking about snakes. A serpent originally included in a 16th century portrait of Queen Elizabeth I but painted over shortly afterwards has "reappeared," the National Portrait Gallery in London said on Thursday. Degradation over time has revealed that the monarch was originally painted holding a serpent, the outline of which is now visible again in the work by an unknown artist dating from the 1580s or early 1590s. But at the last minute the emblem was covered, and the queen was depicted holding a small bunch of roses instead (not the first time that a snake was hidden in the queen’s rose, I’m sure). The gallery said it was not sure why the change was made, but suggested that it may have been to do with the ambiguity of meaning the symbol carried (“She’s in alliance with the Dark Lord Satan!!! BURN HER!!!”). While a serpent was sometimes used to represent wisdom, prudence and reasoned judgment -- all fitting attributes for a queen -- snakes also symbolized Satan and original sin in the Christian tradition. The portrait, which has not been on display in the gallery for nearly 80 years, is part of a new exhibition titled "Concealed and Revealed: The Changing Faces of Elizabeth I," which runs from March 13 until September 26. It features four portraits which date from the 1560s until just after the queen's death in 1603, all of which have changed in appearance in some way since they were created (thanks to vandals and the use of disappearing reappearing inks). Advanced scientific techniques have helped unlock clues as to how they would have looked originally (in 3-D HD?). The portrait of Elizabeth holding a serpent, for example, was painted over the unfinished picture of an unknown woman, showing how 16th century panels were sometimes re-used and recycled by artists. So why is this an Apocalypse Update? Snakes are popping up EVERYWHERE!!! Even in paintings that have been around for centuries…and they almost magically appear in the hands of quite possibly the greatest matriarch in history. Still think this is just the paranoid ramblings of a Mad Man? (By the way, great show on AMC)

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. We’ve talked about castrating bears, cups of both coffee & breasts, fond childhood television memories and even a little history. I think it was a pretty good day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go for a little jog to make sure that there’s not some poor girl defenseless against the elements and longing for nothing more than the warm, gentle touch of a mighty lumberjack. “I’ve traveled 500 miles to give you my seed!!!” It’s really just a local service that I provide for my community. There’s really no official funding…but Planned Parenthood provides me with what I really need. Have a great night everybody!!!

Bon Bons, Bikinis & Books

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So last night after work, didn't do much except watch a movie that makes me want to see another movie even more. Allow me to explain. The movie that I watched was "Taken" starring Liam Neeson. Now, you've all seen the preview...with the guy from "Love Actually" threatening kidnappers over the phone thousands of miles away...and you think, "I don't know. That guy's like...fifty something, right? Maybe he's just bluffing and hoping they're amateurs." It's a movie. Of course he's not bluffing. Anyway, a retired operative for the American government is trying to establish a relationship with his 17-year old daughter...but she's invited on a trip to Paris by one of her friends...and they get kidnapped...and he's going to get her. This movie is bad-ass. It's intense, fast, brutal...and basically you just think Liam's a bad-ass the whole time. I would highly recommend it if you're into those kind of action flicks. Now, what movie does this make me want to watch more? Lincoln (when/if that ever comes to be). What's "Lincoln"? I've mentioned it a few times...but to refresh your memory, it's about the life of Abraham Lincoln...and Liam plays the title character...and former President Harrison Ford plays bigoted VP Andrew Johnson...and Spielberg's directing it. Now, think of this...there HAS to be an obligatory scene where Lincoln & Johnson (aka Indiana Jones) have a disagreement, which leads to fisticuffs. So yeah, can't wait for it now. Go check this movie out too...again, if you're into action flicks. It's written by Luc Besson and produced by his company...so you know two things have to be true. It's full of action...and it mostly takes place in Paris. Honestly, I'm surprised the final pyramid scene in "Fifth Element" didn't take place at the base of the Eiffel Tower...but that was probably a compromise from the original script. Now for the news...

Dream Job? - Scientists are looking for women willing to eat chocolate every day for a year -- all in the name of medical science. Researchers at the University of East Anglia and a hospital in Norwich, eastern England are trying to find out whether chocolate can cut the risk of heart disease and need 40 women to step forward and help. Most of the women will have to (as in be forced to) eat two bars of "super-strength chocolate specially formulated by Belgian chocolatiers" daily for one year and undergo several tests to measure how healthy their hearts are. The others will have to eat regular chocolate as a placebo. One possible catch, for chocolate fans spotting an opportunity: volunteers for the research should be menopausal but aged under 75 and have type two diabetes. Damn, that's a curveball. Study coordinator Peter Curtis said: "A successful outcome could be the first step in developing new ways to improve the lives of people at increased risk of heart disease." So there you go. Any of you menopausal mamas out there who are looking to score some free chocolate...and live in the United Kingdom, here's an opportunity for you...and in the name of science. How can you go wrong? I'm curious about this super-strength chocolate too. What makes it super-strength? Super delicious? Super chocolaty? Can I bend the fabric of time? X-ray vision? Super noxious gas? Details.

Bikini Banditos - Police in Mississippi say a woman was carjacked by a bikini-clad suspect, who they say later tried to rob an RV dealership. Southaven Police Chief Tom Long said the 24-year-old suspect approached another woman in her driveway and demanded the car on Thursday. The woman gave up the car without a fight, asking only for time to remove her young children from inside. Long said the suspect then drove the car to the business, where she told employees she had a gun and demanded money. The employees did not believe the claim and restrained her until officers arrived. Police said the suspect appeared to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. She was charged with carjacking and assault. Now, it may be a different situation if say...a gentleman like myself were carjacked by a bikini-clad woman (obviously strapped). "Dr Love, can you describe the carjacker for us?" "With pleasure. She was wearing this leopard print number, right? Two-piece, very flattering to the ample cleavage, milky, she had this little birthmark on the left breast. Wait...yeah, her left breast, that's right. Was actually hoping it was chocolate and she needs some help with it...but then she pulled the gun on me." "That's...mildly helpful. Do you recall her eye color? Hair color? Approximate height?" "Her what-now? Eyes? Ugh...something like ugh...well, she had a curvy build, very ugh...like Jane Russell. Remember her? Or kind of a Kim Novak quality to her." "Blonde or brunette?" "She also had a gun. Did I mention that part? I think it was a 9mm. Basic, simple, effective." "Sir, describe her face." Okay, you caught me. I hadn't worked my way up that far. I was sitting in my car, there's these set of double D's thrown in my window followed by a nickel-plated nine, I'm frightened & horny at the same time, my brain shuts down, I remember showing her how to drive a stick & teaching her about the tricky clutch, and then she's off with my car." "Wait, what? You taught her how to drive your car." "I PANICKED, OKAY??? Look, I gave her my number too. Maybe she'll call, you guys can tap the phone, we can triangulate her position or whatever..." "Sir, we just got a call...and she tried to jack an RV dealership." "Oh! Really? Cool, so...should I go identify her or something? How's my car? Did she ask for me?"

Librarians are HOT!!! - So much for the stereotype. Texas librarians are baring their skin and revealing their tattoos — all to raise disaster relief money to help damaged libraries. Photos of the librarians and their body art appear in a new calendar sold by the Texas Library Association. Librarian Shawne Miksa says it's a way to get people to notice library issues. As the model for November 2010, she shows off Chinese characters on her lower back that mean "wisdom" and "desire." The "Tattooed Ladies of TLA" 18-month calendar is a follow-up to the successful "Men of Texas Libraries" calendar, which raised $9,000 to help libraries damaged by hurricanes Katrina and Rita. The TLA says libraries thrive on promoting diversity and free expression and the calendar exhibits that spirit...and a little body art never hurt nobody...after the fact. Not as hot as I was expecting when I heard about a Texas Librarians Calendar...but hey, at least it's for a good cause. I remember when I was asked to be a part of the Eden Firefighters Calendar a few years ago. No, I'm not a firefighter...but apparently they didn't have enough guys (being a small town...and frankly, most of them are a little on the "experienced" side). So yeah, you all missed out on that one...but it never came to pass. Probably a good thing too...then I would've been thrown into the life of modeling, acting, dancing...and basically become a rich douche all based on my outward appearance. Yeah, that would've sucked. Sigh... So yeah, librarians are hot...and I think I'm going to use some of my connections to set up one for Utah libraries...but this will be sexier than tattoos (and better sellers in this state). Think of it this way...librarians reading their favorite books...on their bedspreads...or in their jammies at the breakfast nook. Oh yeah, it'll work splendidly. I'll keep ya posted...and it'll be for a cause, like literacy...or adult education...or at least adult entertainment. Is there any greater cause?

Car Chase in Hometown - Police in Plain City, Utah (GO FREMONT SILVERWOLVES!!!) say a 7-year-old boy led officers on a car chase in an effort to avoid going to church. Dispatchers received reports of a child driving recklessly on Sunday morning. Weber County Sheriff's Capt. Klint Anderson says one witness said the boy drove through a stop sign. Anderson says two deputies caught up with the boy and tried unsuccessfully to stop the Dodge Intrepid in an area about 45 miles north of Salt Lake City. The car reached 40 mph before the boy stopped in a driveway and ran inside a home. Anderson says when the boy's father later confronted him, the boy said he didn't want to go to church. The boy is too young to prosecute and no citations were issued, although police did urge the father to make his car keys more inaccessible to children. The sad thing is...I probably know the father from high school...and that makes this all the more hilarious. That's why I have to mention it.

Also, Filly got a new dog today down in New Orleans...and it was a dog left on her doorstep...not unlike Moses. It's a boxer / pitbull mix...so I suggested to her a few names. Number one was Rocky...of course in honor of the great underdog boxers Rocky Balboa AND Marciano. However, I think she was more happy with my other...and surprisingly clever choice...which was Slobber Lang, which was a tribute to Mister T's character Clobber Lang in Rocky III...and has a more badass quality to it...and the Slobber is just a cute touch that the ladies love. I know. I have a gift for naming pets and children. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Here's a picture...

Anyway, that'll do it for today. It's been a pleasure as always, imagining being carjacked by a swimsuit model, making a calendar of kinky librarians, eating chocolate for a year and so much more. Thank you for sharing this experience with me...and have a great day everybody!!!

Stuffing Boxes with Dr Love

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

This morning, I woke up early to continue my Box Search. No, not the sexy kind either. That usually requires staying up late. This was the unsexy kind...like going to Walmart and liquor stores at 7 AM to get the boxes left over from overnight stalking...er, I mean stocking. Sorry, I've made that mistake a few times before. Usually at interviews. So I arose with the sun around 6 AM and drove out to Walmart...to find that they apparently had already thrown away their boxes or something, despite my telling them my name, phone number, etc. to set up picking them up at 7 AM. Luckily they had a sale on giant closeable plastic bins for $5 a pop, so I bought about four of those, some packing tape & went home to start the real packing. I'm already impressed with how much I've done in the past few hours (and stopping for an hour to watch VH1's Tough Love, which I seriously enjoy for some reason...because it's dating evil at its finest). Anyway, so yeah, I'll be packing the next few days...but am off to a great start.

Last night, I watched "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" starring Sam Rockwell and basically the cast of Ocean's Eleven (Clooney, Roberts, and even cameos by Pitt & Damon). It's the story of TV producer / host of the Gong Show / CIA assassin Chuck Barris (Rockwell) and it's really just a crazy cool funny show to watch. It starts with him as a sly mischievous & devious child...and progressing into a similar adult...and he kind of evolves into this guy who's trying to become famous. Along the way, a CIA operative (Clooney) enlists him to become an assassin while he's being a chapperone on "The Dating Game" to exotic locations like Helsinki & West Berlin. Hot, right? Well, his long-time ladyfriend (Drew Barrymore) and his spy mistress (Roberts) play into the game as well...and who knows how it's going to turn out? Well, I do because I watched the movie...but you should too. It's pretty good. I enjoyed it thoroughly...and Clooney directed it...which may or may not explain why there was so much of Sam Rockwell's ass in it (ladies...) but just thought I'd throw that out there.

Now, I also watched "Lost Highway" starring Bill Pullman & Patricia Arquette...but more importantly, directed by David Lynch ("Dune", "Mulholland Drive", etc). Now, I really wish that I could tell you exactly what the story was...but it's a David Lynch movie...and I guess I just don't get it. Obviously inspired by Fellini with a few more hits of acid, Lynch tells the story of a sax player (Pullman) who...well, crazy sh*t happens...and his wife (Arquette) ends up dead...and he's convicted of doing it...so sentenced to death...but then he magically teleports / transforms into a teenage auto mechanic (Balthazar Getty) who has an affair with a mob boss (Robert Loggia) ladyfriend...who also happens to be Patricia Arquette...and there's this creepy guy played by real life creepy guy Robert Blake (remember? Beretta?) and Gary Busey's the kid's father, so you know he has that working against him...and then there's porn involved starring Marilyn Manson & his guitarist Twiggy Ramirez...and when the movie's over, you basically just go, "What the f**k did I just watch?" So yeah, in typical David Lynch fashion, I just didn't get it. Welcome to the modern art museum of filmmaking. Anyway, here's some other news...

13 Year Old Bank Robber - A 13-year-old boy who police say was caught red-handed a block away was accused on Tuesday of robbing a bank in Peoria, Illinois. The unidentified boy was charged with felony armed robbery in juvenile court, accused of threatening a teller with a gun and demanding cash. He was found hiding in a nearby garage about 30 minutes after Monday's robbery, stained red from a dye pack that had been placed in the bag of money. "It's the youngest person I can remember," said Sheriff Michael McCoy, a four-decade veteran of the sheriff's office. Prosecutors were considering whether to seek to have him tried as an adult and face up to 30 years in prison. At the very least, they considered spanking his ass into a ground beef patty & slapping the taste out of his mouth. For f**k sake, THIRTEEN??? Now, I've had my thoughts of robbing banks before...and okay, maybe I was that age when I started considering it...but to actually do it. He's definitely going to get one hell of a slap on the wrist. What if he had shot somebody? Can you imagine police gunning down a 7th grader? That would be covered more than teabagging on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News & everything else. Well, luckily it was just a kid making a HUGE mistake and nothing like that happened. Just remember to talk to your kids about the importance of a Wheelman. In some situations, they're more important than a Wingman.

Robot Scientists? - Watch out scientists! Your jobs may soon be replaced the same way as the oldest profession...by a robot. Two teams of researchers said last week that they had created machines that could reason, formulate theories and discover scientific knowledge on their own, marking a major advance in the field of artificial intelligence (and the end of mankind as foretold in the Prophecy). Such robo-scientists could be put to work unraveling complex biological systems, designing new drugs (more powerful E?), modeling the world's climate, understanding the cosmos and finding out what exactly women want. For the moment, though, they are performing more humble tasks (like what is the appeal of VH1's reality shows?). At Aberystwyth University in Wales, Ross King and colleagues have created a robot called Adam that can not only carry out experiments on yeast metabolism but also reason about the results and plan the next experiment. It is the world's first example of a machine that has made an independent scientific discovery -- in this case, new facts about the genetic make-up of baker's yeast. "On its own it can think of hypotheses and then do the experiments, and we've checked that it's got the results correct. People have been working on this since the 1960s. When we first sent robots to Mars, they really dreamt of the robots doing their own experiments on Mars. After 40 or 50 years, we've now got the capability to do that." Their next robot, Eve (constructed from a supportive piece of Adam's endoskeleton located in his torso), will have much more brain power (ladies...) and will be put to work searching for new medicines...but for half the pay. (Oh yeah, I've got jokes...) King hopes the application of intelligent robotic thinking to the process of sifting tens of thousands of compounds for potential new drugs will be particularly valuable in the hunt for treatments for neglected tropical diseases like malaria...and whatever that rash on his junk may be. "It's good to be the King." So anyway, there you go. The back-story has been set for the new Terminator: Salvation coming out in a few weeks. All we have to do is wait for Adam & Eve to become self aware, get kicked out of the university Aberystwyth (not a typo), manufacture the new prototypes Cain & Abel, and then within a few weeks, humans will be completely obsolete...and therefore expendable. Just in time for me to start training at my new job.

Boulder B**ch - Police say a Boulder, Colorado woman wrapped her boyfriend's dog in packing tape and stuck the animal upside down to a refrigerator because he wouldn't get rid of it. 20-year old Abby Toll was arrested Tuesday after police say she got into a fight with her boyfriend. She was charged with felony cruelty, drug possession and other counts and is free on $12,500 bond. She has declined to comment. Toll's 21-year-old boyfriend, Bryan Beck, faces lesser charges including a misdemeanor cruelty count. Police say Toll used packing tape to bind the legs, snout and tail of Beck's dog, a Shiba Inu named Rex. She told police she stuck the dog to the refrigerator because she was angry Beck wanted to keep it. Rex was taken to a shelter and will be put up for adoption. Toll was taken to a local vet, spayed so that she could never reproduce & spat upon by the local chapter of PETA for several hours. Okay, she wasn't...but really? Packing tape? That sh*t ain't cool. Even if that dog crapped in your mouth while you slept, you don't mummify it in packing tape and hang it upside down on the fridge like a f**king Post-It.

That'll do it for today. Gotta get back on the grind. Tomorrow I'll be calling around to get quotes for trucks, movers, etc & setting up everything left for my trip to Slick City for Apartment Search '09 (Part 1?). Should be fun to see the old city again. Had a thought a few weeks ago...and basically, over the last six months, I've spent about 150 days in Denver, 9 in California, 8 in New Orleans, 5 in Las Vegas, and 4 back home during Christmas. I have been home the FIFTH most of places that I've visited the past six months. So yeah, not necessarily a bad thing to spend some time there...even if at least for a few months before the next adventure. It'll really be good to see the family and the old friends that haven't made their way out here to Denver. Anyway, I'll keep you posted. Have a great day everybody!!!

Will Work for Bacon

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Let's see, quick rundown of events. Still looking for a job but have applied for a few and inquired on a few others, still no soda during Lent…which will make five weeks tomorrow, three days from now I'll be in California, all but one of my Final Four picks have been eliminated…but North Carolina's still in it and I picked them to win it all back at the beginning of the year, and last night was a lot of fun at the Bacon Brothers concert at the Hard Rock Café.

Last night, my cousin & I went to the show…and the best thing about it really…was the people watching…and making up our own conversations. See, obviously I'd say at minimum 90% of the people at the concert had probably never been to a Bacon Brothers concert before…and were just there because they were huge Kevin Bacon fans (and didn't even know that his brother's name was Michael & not Crispy) or they got free tickets because they're so badass…like I did. So before the show, they set up a line where people could come up and get their pictures taken with the brothers…and Ranae & I just kind of sat upstairs in the VIP section looking down on them and making up conversations that were going on down there…not unlike those two geezers on the balcony of the Muppet Show. Here are some of my favorites…

• "We just TOTALLY skipped the whole six degrees thing."


• "Hey guys, I just wanted to say that I'm a huge fan. Bacon is BY FAR my favorite breakfast meat."


• "LOVED you in Friday the 13th."


• "So on the set of Wild Things…what ugh? Did ya…? You know. Come on! Neve Campbell? You had to, right?"


• "What's it like f**king Elisabeth Shue? What? You guys never…really? I thought that was why you did a movie where you're invisible."


• "So do you REALLY play instruments…or are you just the frontman?"


• "What's it like being fifty? Still lead in the pencil?"


• "When are you gonna remake Tremors?"


• "Will you sign my VHS copy of Footloose?" (This one really happened)


• "Oh my God, Michael you're so talented. I just love your songs and they have such a deep meaning in my personal life and I just can't tell you how excited I am to finally meet you. Oh, is this your brother? What's his name? Did your mom make you put him in the band? Does he play tamborine or something?"



• My favorite…and the one I decided to go with: "LOVED you in Animal House. What do you say we squeeze in the middle here for the picture and we make a Bacon Sandwich?"
  

This is why I'm rarely allowed around celebrities…and just imagine if I ended up moving to Hollywood. The show was pretty good. It was what you'd expect, standard rock & roll with a little back-story to each song…including my favorite about when Kevin's publicist called to say that he got him an interview in Playboy last year…and he was obviously all excited about it, having been a huge fan of the magazine for years. Then he gets the call a day before the interview…and they basically said that the magazine was going for a more youth-oriented interview…which led to the inspiration for the song "Too Old for Playboy." Apparently the Bacons are from Philadelphia too (GO EAGLES!!!) and they told of an apparent New Year's Eve tradition where guys wear feathers & beaks and go door to door saying, "Here we are, at your door, like we were the year before. Give us whiskey, give us gin, open the door & let us in" in exchange for booze or change or beads, I don't know what…but who apparently helped popularize the tradition? George Washington, back when Philly was the first capital of the United States. Neat, right? I may now have to go there for New Year's next year. So yeah, here are some pictures…

Sunrise the other day, gonna miss my apartment

A dusting of snow the other day, that shut the city down

The line to get your picture taken with the Bacons

Entirely too many guitars on stage...

Opening act, Denver's own Matt Morris

Proof that Kevin Bacon blows...his harmonica

...and beats his cowbell with a tamborine

REAL Beef Tenders - The fundraising idea may seem a little nuts (rim shot), but Oakdale's annual Testicle Festival is always a big hit. Today, volunteers with the town's Rotary Club will fry up 400 pounds of the private parts of bulls and serve them to diners who pay $50 apiece for the sit-down meal (oh yeah, they PAY for this). The event, whose proceeds also benefit the Oakland Cowboy Museum, has drawn an average of 450 people and last year raised $28,000. It's common practice on cattle ranches for young male bovines to be castrated into steers, which after the initial loss, eventually makes them more docile and easier to handle (no kidding). Fans of the delicacy, also referred to as "mountain oysters," come from around the state. According to Rotarians, everyone who buys a ticket is guaranteed to "have a ball." Wow, that sounds delicious and nutritious. There is no amount of hot sauce in the world that'll help that. I've tried some strange cuisine in my day…but I have yet to try Rocky Mountain Oysters…and I don't plan on it any time soon. Hmm, unless that $28,000 came into question. Don't look at me like that. I'm gonna be unemployed soon. That would buy me a year of room & board. Don't judge me. You'd do it too. I guarantee it. Anyway, just goes to show what people will do for charity. My God, four hundred pounds of testicle. How many bulls lost their legacy to benefit the Oakland Cowboy Museum (which doesn't sound like a real place)?

Fox Update - Here's something that'll get that taste out of your mouth. So last week, I mentioned that I was considering a pet (before I started considering finding a new job…after being laid off from this one) and now it appears that Megan Fox has been doing the same…only a little more forward about it. The 'Transformers' actress has turned her Hollywood home into a small scale zoo since moving out of the house she shared with ex-fiance Brian Austin Green in February. Megan, 22, reportedly keeps five dogs, two cats, two birds, a squirrel and has recently also brought home a pot bellied pig named Piggy Smalls. She said: "I've just moved to a new place with a huge garden, so all my pets have plenty of room. The garden has become my private animal kingdom and I love it. I can't pass a rescue shelter without hawking a new critter home." A friend of the star revealed she has always been keen on animals, and as a youngster had a habit of playing with snakes (mmm, of course) in her hometown of Rockwood, Tennessee. The source (who may or may not exist) said: "Everyone was scared of rattlesnakes expect Megan. She used to give her parents a real headache by trying to play with the rattlers. Now she's into cuddly creatures. I think she's lost without something to cuddle up to at night, because she can't make up her mind which man to romance." Poor Miss Fox. Well, if you're looking for a cute cuddly creature to cuddle up with…and will be super excited to see you every day when you get home from work…and you can show off to your friends…and speaks on command…and is housebroken…and LOVES peanut butter…then you're in luck. I'm available. There's no adoption fees required, I can sleep in a box in the corner of the living room (though I may try to sneak into bed once in a while) and let's face it, I'm pretty f**king fantastic. I'd be happy to show you my papers…and my resume…and whatever qualifications you may be looking for. Besides, animals love me. I have a certain magnetism with them. I'd get along well with Piggy Smalls and your squirrel Busta Nutt or whatever their names are. I'm also versatile. I can be a monkey, a seal, a snake…but I think you'll be most impressed with me being a horse. Just throwing that out there. Anyway, let me know if you're looking for a large cuddly pet of all trades. Hell, I even feed myself…and live off a diet of Bacon & Love...and can put on those silly outfits. Good luck getting me to fit inside of a purse though.

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. I'll keep you all posted on things are they come along. Have a great day everybody!!!