Thursday, March 4, 2010

Dear Diary: Jackpot!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, honestly there’s not a whole lot going on with me. Work has been extremely busy…and I’ve found enough time for subtle flirtations and conversations during lunchtime to keep from being bogged down. I found out today that Truckee is basically the coldest place in America during the summer thanks to elevation and a slew of natural wonders…so if any of you are looking to escape the heat this summer, come on up to Truckee…and bring a long sleeved shirt, just in case. Average highs in the 70’s and overnight lows in the 50’s, pretty much perfect right? Anyway, here’s some news…

Dear Diary: Jackpot!!! - Several police officers responded to a 911 report of a naked woman tied to a tree in Point Defiance Park in Tacoma, Washington (God I miss having a girlfriend). Spokesman Mark Fulghum told The News Tribune officers talked with the woman and a man Tuesday in the Owen Beach area and determined it was a "consensual rendezvous" (Or as I prefer to call it, a “Tryst”). No one was arrested…but somebody definitely got laid. Stories like this motivate me to go hiking or jogging. You always see on TV the jogger in the morning stumbling upon yet another dead body in Central Park (thanks Law & Order) but it’s like winning the lottery when you stumble upon a beautiful naked woman tied to a tree. “Excuse me Miss, are you okay?” “Oh! Hey, hi there. Funny story. Ugh…could you help me out?” “Absolutely.” “What are you doing? Put your shorts back on.” I’ll just assume it was some kind of Christian movie Adam & Eve reenactment that was once again interrupted by the boys in blue. Why do they always have to cockblock based on religious beliefs? Also, I just thought of something. Was this done this last week? It gets damn chilly up there in Tacoma this time of year. Thank God there was somebody there to keep her warm. Anyway, I just… come on now. You know why I mentioned this story. Naked girl tied to a tree…and I got to use the word tryst in the proper context.

Doogie & the Smurfs – Speaking of forest people, Neil Patrick Harris will play the lead live-action character in the Raja Gosnell-directed film adaptation of "The Smurfs" at Sony Pictures says Deadline Hollywood. Originally created in 1958 by Belgian cartoonist Pierre 'Peyo' Culliford, the blue skinned miniature villagers started life as a comic book, but eventually became most famous for a hit TV cartoon TV series which ran throughout the 1980's (and eventually the inspiration for the Na’vi of “Avatar”). Jordan Kerner ("Charlotte's Web") is producing. Shooting kicks off in April while Harris is on hiatus from CBS' "How I Met Your Mother". So if you love the 80’s, you love this update. That is all.

Perky Cups – Back to the wholesome female form in all its glory. Officials said a bikini and the First Amendment provide enough coverage for a model advertising a suburban Denver coffee shop called Perky Cups. Aurora City Council member Molly Markert called the picture on the 10-by-20-foot banner "degrading to women" but she says it's legal. Markert said she had city employees measure the banner, and it conforms with city size restrictions (C-cups?). Robert Rogers, a city attorney, said the content is protected by the First Amendment (isn’t everything? I could’ve told you that for half the price). Perky Cups owner Jason Bernal said people have come into the shop to complain, but one stayed to buy a burrito and coffee (“I’m sorry ma’am but if you’re going to b**ch me out for no good reason, you’ll have to buy a coffee”). He said the sign has been great for business but he's not sure how long he'll leave it because of the complaints. Mr. Bernal, keep it up forever. Hell, turn it into a permanent fixture if at all possible. If it’s good for business, you’ve found your niche. You’ll be the favorite coffee shop of the young male demographic at University of Denver…and maybe even UC-Boulder though that’s a bit of a drive. In a flooded marketplace like that of coffee shops (there’s seriously four Starbucks on the 16th Street Mall and another four within a block or so) you need to find a niche…and you sir have perked my interest with your full perky cups. Now, let me tell you my ideas about the baristas

Shaky Update – Yet another edition of hotties to the rescue. Shakira has received a medal from the U.N. labor agency for her work to help impoverished children. The 33-year-old Colombian pop star has worked as a UNICEF goodwill ambassador. Her Barefoot foundation provides nutrition to more than 6,000 children in Colombia, and she is member of the ALAS foundation that advocates for children across Latin America. At a small ceremony Wednesday in Geneva, U.N. labor chief Juan Somavia called Shakira a "true ambassador for children and young people, for quality education and social justice." Shakira said in a statement Thursday that social, economic and environmental policies must focus on children and their education. Shakira also spoke last month with President Barack Obama about U.S. policy on children (whether we should let them work in factories or not? Kids are spoiled). Congratulations on your award, Shaky. Let me know when you want to hang out in Miami. I’ll let you ride piggy back again.

PETA Update – Some activism, I like. Shakira speaking for the impoverished children, I can stand behind (all f**king day & night). And then there’s PETA, who is looking towards castration. PETA Germany came under fire on Wednesday for saying that Berlin's celebrity polar bear Knut should be castrated because he is related to his love interest Giovanna. That’s right, the bear’s name is Knut…and they’re talking about castration. The PETA animal rights group warned that breeding between Knut and Giovanna, who was moved to Berlin from Munich last year, would carry the risk of depression amongst offspring because both bears have the same grandfather (depression? That’s the best you can come up with? It’s not like they’re their own grandpa). Frank Albrecht, zoo expert for PETA Germany, said the organization wanted to provoke Knut fans that have pressured Berlin Zoo officials to keep the couple together by saying Knut should be castrated. "Fans have to accept the fact that Knut just has to be castrated and then there's nothing wrong with the couple staying together." (Why do I want to cut off this guy’s balls and tell him there’s nothing wrong with it?) The suggestion to castrate Knut, who became famous around the world in 2006 when he was raised by a trainer after being rejected by his mother, angered fans of the three-year-old polar bear. Albrecht said he received many calls, including one man saying he should castrate himself first (I swear it wasn’t me). He added that once he explained the reasoning behind his suggestion, most people calmed down (“Oh, it’s so you can hook up with hippie chicks. I understand”). Zoo officials have repeatedly said that Giovanna's stay in Berlin is only temporary, and that she will return to Munich this summer…so I guess it’s only to keep each other warm during the winter. Sigh… why do I hate PETA so much? Why does this stuff irk me so? Does anybody else feel this? I mean… I love animals. Huge fan. Not just pandas either. Then again, I also feel that they can be delicious and fit well. So when some “zoo expert” for PETA says, “Hey, we should castrate an endangered polar bear because he’s bangin’ his hot Italian sister” then I get a little unnerved. “Why should we do that?” “Because the cubs would be depressed.” “Why is that?” “They’d only have one grandpa.” “….and?” “And what? Don’t you see?” “You’re more concerned about the cubs being depressed because they only have one grandpa than the threat of inbreeding or the small step in repopulating this nearly extinct species?” “They’re not nearly extinct, I see them on Discovery Channel all the time.” “Where did you get your degree in zoology again?” “My what?” Herr Albrecht, I think your random ill-based logic could help in another way. Call for the castration of an animal that if given the chance would kill you and everyone that you hold dear.

Apocalypse Update – Oh yes, I’m talking about snakes. A serpent originally included in a 16th century portrait of Queen Elizabeth I but painted over shortly afterwards has "reappeared," the National Portrait Gallery in London said on Thursday. Degradation over time has revealed that the monarch was originally painted holding a serpent, the outline of which is now visible again in the work by an unknown artist dating from the 1580s or early 1590s. But at the last minute the emblem was covered, and the queen was depicted holding a small bunch of roses instead (not the first time that a snake was hidden in the queen’s rose, I’m sure). The gallery said it was not sure why the change was made, but suggested that it may have been to do with the ambiguity of meaning the symbol carried (“She’s in alliance with the Dark Lord Satan!!! BURN HER!!!”). While a serpent was sometimes used to represent wisdom, prudence and reasoned judgment -- all fitting attributes for a queen -- snakes also symbolized Satan and original sin in the Christian tradition. The portrait, which has not been on display in the gallery for nearly 80 years, is part of a new exhibition titled "Concealed and Revealed: The Changing Faces of Elizabeth I," which runs from March 13 until September 26. It features four portraits which date from the 1560s until just after the queen's death in 1603, all of which have changed in appearance in some way since they were created (thanks to vandals and the use of disappearing reappearing inks). Advanced scientific techniques have helped unlock clues as to how they would have looked originally (in 3-D HD?). The portrait of Elizabeth holding a serpent, for example, was painted over the unfinished picture of an unknown woman, showing how 16th century panels were sometimes re-used and recycled by artists. So why is this an Apocalypse Update? Snakes are popping up EVERYWHERE!!! Even in paintings that have been around for centuries…and they almost magically appear in the hands of quite possibly the greatest matriarch in history. Still think this is just the paranoid ramblings of a Mad Man? (By the way, great show on AMC)

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. We’ve talked about castrating bears, cups of both coffee & breasts, fond childhood television memories and even a little history. I think it was a pretty good day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go for a little jog to make sure that there’s not some poor girl defenseless against the elements and longing for nothing more than the warm, gentle touch of a mighty lumberjack. “I’ve traveled 500 miles to give you my seed!!!” It’s really just a local service that I provide for my community. There’s really no official funding…but Planned Parenthood provides me with what I really need. Have a great night everybody!!!

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