Friday, March 5, 2010

I've Got The Goods

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

A week from now, I’ll be hanging with my mama…and probably getting ready for the 1st Annual Prohibition Pub Crawl in Tahoe City, which should be epic. The weather should be cooperating for maximum fun-having and I just can’t wait to show off my new home to my mom (who of course is worried about me & misses me…but she’s happy that I’m happy). This weekend, I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to spend it. Probably wander around town & try some new things, maybe check out some online dating service (yet stay as far away from Chat Roulette as possible), work out now that my back’s feeling great. Who knows? Stay tuned for details.

Last night, I watched a few movies. First up was “The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard” starring Jeremy Piven, Ving Rhames & David Koechner. It’s about a struggling car dealership in Temecula, California who has fallen on some hard times and may have to file for bankruptcy. So they call in the big guns, namely the legendary salesman Don “The Goods” Ready (Piven) who can sell anything to anyone (much like myself) and his team to help over a 4th of July weekend sale extravaganza. I liked this movie. Basically, anything where Piven is fast-talking & hilarious, I’m okay with. At heart, I consider myself a salesman…and a master of BS (I mean…I have a degree in it) so watching this movie, I wondered why I wasn’t a car salesman. Oh yeah…because commission-based job are pretty much sh*t in this economy. Anyway, great little film, lots of one-liners, special guest stars, angels, lap dances, Smokey, and DJ Request who will not take your request. If you like to laugh, give it a try. You may just enjoy it. There’s even a scene in the beginning on an airplane…that pretty much brought a tear to my eye, because it’s so true & something that I would do.

After that, I decided to watch “Halloween II” which is the sequel to the Rob Zombie Halloween, not the original Halloween II. Make sense? Okay. Anyway, the story is that Michael Myers is still on the loose. That’s really all you need to know. His sister (Taylor Scout-Compton) is still alive, as is Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) but…yeah, everybody’s getting brutally killed. It’s a sequel to a slasher flick. I mean… what else is going to happen? Now, I like Rob Zombie flicks because they’re pretty over-the-top and I like his fairly unique use of light & different camera resolutions and all that other stuff that keeps the viewer disoriented…so he makes some pretty good slasher flicks. This one wasn’t particularly amazing in any way…but hey, if you liked the first one, it’s more of the same. Here’s some news…

Facebook F**kup – Have you ever posted something on somebody’s wall in Facebook that you regretted later? That’s a mistake. How about poor spelling, grammar, syntax or use of emoticons during a chat? Those are errors. Ever put your life & hundreds of others in danger because of letting everybody know “What’s on your mind” on a status update? That’s a f**kup. The Israeli military called off a raid in Palestinian territory after a soldier posted details, including the time and place, on social networking website Facebook, Israel's Army Radio reported Wednesday. The soldier (since relieved of combat duty) described in a status update how his unit planned a "clean-up" arrest raid in a West Bank area. Facebook friends then reported him to military authorities. The Israeli military spokesman's office had no immediate comment. Israel says raids in the West Bank are aimed at detaining militants suspected of planning attacks on Israelis. Palestinian officials say the incursions undermine efforts by the Western-backed Palestinian Authority to enforce law and order in the territory. Just watch what you put on your status updates. Leave it to stuff that either informative like “$teve needs a drink, today sucked” or humorous like “$teve consists of one part Jaegermeister, one part Peach Schnapps, and two parts cranberry juice” rather than “$teve’s social security number is 529-69-6969” or “$teve will be sleeping alone tonight with the doors unlocked and three Lunesta in his system. Ladies are more than welcome to join him. Please no dudes with knives and/or blunt objects. He is also deathly allergic to peanuts, so please don’t grind them into a fine powder and mix them into his pumpkin pie.” It’s just being smart.

Canadian Anthem Change? - "O Canada," the country's national anthem, has included the line, "True patriot love in all thy sons' command," for nearly 100 years. Ottawa now wants to start a public discussion on whether Canada should adopt a gender-neutral version of the song. As part of a policy speech unveiled on Wednesday, the minority Conservative government said it would ask Parliament to look at the original lyrics to the anthem. Those lyrics, penned in 1908 by Canadian poet Robert Stanley Weir, read "True patriot love thou dost in us command." The version in current use was adopted in 1914. Industry Minister Tony Clement said the government had not taken any firm decisions yet. "I think the appropriate way to deal with this is through some sort of process where we have historical research and learned discussion," he told reporters. Michael Ignatieff, leader of the opposition Liberal party, said if the government was serious about boosting women's rights it could have done something more substantive. One of the first things the Conservatives did after winning power in January 2006 was to cancel a deal the Liberals had struck to provide a national child-care system. I love how in politics something like changing a lyric on the national anthem can be as big a deal & mentioned in the same breath as national child-care system. “I’m sorry that my tie is not to your liking…but you know what I don’t like? Terrorists.” Anyway, wanna change the lyrics to “O Canada”? Go for it. While we’re at it, I want the Declaration of Independence to be changed to “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all OF US are created equal, that WE are WELL endowed by our Creator” and so forth. Why? Why not? Is the Declaration of Independence sexist because it only says men are created equal? It’s kinda the same thing, right? You know what? I don’t care. I just thought it was odd. Geez, universal child-care. Wouldn’t that be interesting?

Snowwoman – Speaking of sexism, why aren’t there more snowwomen made after winter storms? I think we can all agree that the female form is far superior to that of the male. Besides, the popular three-sphered standard makes a lot of sense to the head-torso-badonkadonk figure. So why aren’t there more? I’ll tell you why – Nosy New Jersey Neighbors. Police in New Jersey ordered a snow sculpture modeled on the famous nude Venus de Milo to be covered up after a neighbor complained, the artist said Thursday. Elisa Gonzalez, 44, carved the ancient Greek-style torso from snow on her front lawn in Rahway and says her work was initially a hit. "It looked very beautiful. We got a lot of attention from people in the neighborhood. Some of them got out and took pictures and spoke to us." Not just the perverted teenagers either…but alas, it was not to be. One neighbor clearly felt the snow nude (despite being headless, armless, and cut off above the knees) was too hot. "We had a visit from the local police who told us that a neighbor had complained about the statue and we needed to cover it up or knock it down. We didn't want to have any problem with the police so we covered it up." The original Venus de Milo, which is housed in Paris' Louvre museum, depicts a nude woman. She also is without arms, although her head is intact. I’m thinking if we get another big snow storm here this season, and I have a weekend to play around, I may just make me a nice little snow & ice sculpture. Of what? Whatever the hell I want…and I’ll get some kids to help me make it too. It could be a big-tittied mermaid next to my parking spot, maybe a big Buddha that the neighbor kids can slide down, maybe a naked woman tied to a nearby tree, maybe it’s a scene from Wild Things, maybe badass blaxploitation detective Jackie Frost, maybe Aphrodite coming out of a clam with a mug of beer in each hand, it’s my art. Don’t judge me, I’m not charging admission…and it’ll be gone in a few weeks anyway. Good luck collecting that evidence. “Your honor, as you can plainly see in the photos, that snow was manipulated to represent what appears to be the defendant going down on the figure of an unidentified voluptuous prostitute.” “Your honor, I don’t think I need to tell you that those photographs could be easily manipulated using Photoshop…and even if that were the case, what I see in those photographs…is just a pile of snow. If I look into the sky and see clouds that look like my neighbor slaughtering a horse, do I call the cops & report them? I would think not. Am I to be blamed for what she thinks she saw in a pile of snow next to my apartment? No crime is committed here. Oh…and ma’am, her name is Ginger and I’ll be DAMNED if I allow you to call her a prostitute, you…” This is where I charge at her with my lawyer holding me back. So yeah, I’ll let you know when my snow sculpture comes to be…but it may be next winter. I’m not too worried about my neighbors causing a fuss either. I’m more worried about passerbys getting into accidents or some douche ravishing her in the night…but I suppose the frostbitten junk will be justice.

More Smurfs Update - Jonathan Winters, George Lopez, Katy Perry and Alan Cumming have all joined the cast of "The Smurfs" film for Sony Pictures says Variety. As reported yesterday Neil Patrick Harris will play the lead live-action character. The four additions today will voice various members of the miniature blue-skinned race. Specifically Katy Perry as Smurfette, Alan Cumming as Gutsy Smurf and George Lopez as Grouchy Smurf. Winters, who voiced multiple characters on the original cartoon, will play Papa Smurf. Still no word on who will play Gargomel or what the plot will be. Honestly, I don’t even recall the premise of the cartoon other than Gargomel wanted to eat them or something. Anyway, time will tell.

That’ll pretty much do it for today. Again, no real plans for this weekend…but I’m sure that I’ll find something to do. Even if it’s work out at the rec center and let all the elderly ladies ogle at my sweaty, chiseled form. That’s right, tell your granddaughters, ladies. Anyway, have a great weekend everybody!!!

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